I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 5, Episode 2 - Lucy and John Wayne - full transcript

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy."

(audience applauding as orchestra
plays theme song)

(song ends)

Hurry up, Ricky!

Your breakfast is here.

I'll be there in a minute.

Uh... uh...
take your time, dear.

It's really too hot to eat.

Operator, give me Room 317.

Hello, Fred?
Let me talk to Ethel.



What's she doing in the coffee shop?

We just made headlines on the front
page--

that's what's the matter.

Listen to this: "Grauman's Chinese
Theatre robbed.

"John Wayne's footprints mysteriously
disappear

"from forecourt.

"Last night

"the footprints and signature of
movie star John Wayne

"disappeared from the forecourt of
Grauman's Chinese Theatre.

"Police are searching for two women

who were seen loitering in the
forecourt around 1:30 a.m."

Lucy!

Uh... yeah?

Where's my brown tie?



Uh... in the top drawer, dear.

Tell Ethel I'll call her back.

Well, good morning, dear.

(gruffly): Good morning.

Well, you're certainly in a bad humor
this morning.

What do you expect after last night?

Oh, now, honey, that wasn't so bad.

I know it seemed terrible last night,

but when you stop to think of it,

it's really kind of funny.

(forced chuckle)

Fred, Ethel and me

lugging that big hunk of cement

all the way from the theater

and then you making us lug it all the
way back

and then us dropping it

It's really hilarious, honey!

(laughing out loud)

(laughter subsiding)

It's not funny.

I just hope it isn't in the morning
papers.

(resumes laughing)

(laughing loudly)

Oh, what a silly thing to say, honey.

Come on now, eat your breakfast.

Where is the morning paper?

What morning paper?

Our morning paper.

Oh, that morning paper.

Uh, well... it must be here
someplace.

Uh, maybe, uh...

Uh...

No, it's not here.

I, uh...

What's that?

Uh, this belongs to the millers
downstairs.

Millers? What are you talking about?

Uh... well, eat your breakfast, dear.

Oh!

This paper doesn't belong to us!

MAN: I saw it come from your balcony.

Well, mind your own business!

Lucy, what's in that paper?

How should I know?

I never read other paper's peepers.

Peepers' papers.
Papel's peepers.

I never have enough time.

Lucy?

Oh, well, what's the difference,
honey?

Tomorrow we'll get two papers,

and it'll all come out even.

Eat your breakfast, honey.

Come on now.

Have you seen the morning paper?

Only as it flew by.

I have seen the morning paper,

but Ricky hasn't.

Oh.

Uh, well, I just dropped in

to say I can't stay.

RICKY: Ethel!

Ethel, you come back here.

Ethel, I want to see that paper.

Come on now.

Well...

"Last night the footprints and
signature

"of movie star John Wayne
"disappeared from the forecourt

"of Grauman's Chinese Theatre.

"Police are searching for two women

"who were seen loitering in the
forecourt around 1:30 a.m.

"by Mr. And Mrs. Irving Massey of New
York City."

That must be that nosy couple.

"Mr. And Mrs. Massey described the
two women

as a middle-aged dishwater blonde..."

Oh! Oh!

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ah, I didn't read that far.

(laughing)

Go on.

"...and a wild-eyed, frowsy redhead."

"Police are throwing out a dragnet

for these two vandals."

Oh.

Well, I hope that you're satisfied.

Well, what are you going to do?

Never mind.

Give me Grauman's Chinese Theatre,
please.

What are you going to do?!

I'm going to tell them everything.

Everything?!

Yes, everything.

May I speak to the manager, please?

Have you gone crazy?

You keep out of this.

Hello? Uh, uh, look, sir, uh, this is
Ricky Ricardo.

Ricky Ricardo.

Well, I just made a picture for MGM.

I'm an actor and an orchestra
leader...

And a stool pigeon.

And a stool pige...

Uh, uh, uh, uh, Mr., uh, Mr. Manager,
look.

I-I want to speak to you

about the disappearance of Mr.
Wayne's footprints.

Yes, well...

(chuckling)

You see, the whole thing was kind of
a... a prank.

You-you see, my-my wife and her
girlfriend went down the...

No, sir. My wife is the frowsy
redhead.

Well... it's, it's really very funny

when you think about it, sir.

You see, they're crazy about
souvenirs.

Yeah.

They went down there

and just pried the cement loose, you
see.

With a crowbar.

With a crowbar.

And then they took it home with them!

Is he laughing?

No.

Oh.

Well... you see, sir, uh, I...

the picture that I made is gonna to
come out pretty soon

and I want to avoid any unfavorable
publicity,

so...

Uh, well, we would bring it back...

That's what I want to talk to you
about.

No, no, no, no.

Don't-don't send anyone over here,
no.

Uh... yes, sir.

Yes, sir, we will bring it back
ourselves.

Yes, sir.
Good-bye.

Have you gone crazy?

How can we take it back?

It's broken in a million pieces!

He says if I bring it back undamaged,
he will protect me.

Otherwise, it's a case for the
police!

Ew...

Oh, what do we do?
How long have we got?

Till tonight.

Tonight?
Tonight?

Yes, tonight.

They're previewing John Wayne's

new picture Blood Alley there
tonight.

Mr. Wayne is making an appearance

and there's no footprints in the
forecourt!

LUCY: Oh, no!

Well, kids, our troubles are all
over.

I just made a duplicate

of John Wayne's footprints.

Now, now, now, now, don't touch it.

It's still wet.

How do you like it?

Oh, it's pretty awful, Fred.

Well, it's terrible, Fred.

That's no good.

What's wrong with it?

Well, for one thing, the feet are way
too big.

Yeah. I guess I shouldn't have used
Ethel's shoes.

Besides, the real footprints

were made with Western boots, not
shoes.

And you don't spell Wayne "W-a-i-n."

W-a-y-n-e.

Oh, I'll go make another one.

Oh, forget it, Fred.

You know, it's dishonest to forge
footprints.

Yeah.

Look who's turning honest

all of a sudden--

Dishwater Mertz and Frowsy Ricardo.

LUCY: Don't use that expression again
if you don't mind.

(phone rings)

I don't like it.
Hello.

Just a minute, please.

It's for you, Frowsy.

Oh...

Hello.

Oh, hi, Irma.

What?! Oh, I'm sorry!

We forgot! We-we-we forgot now.

We'll be right down.

We forgot our hairdressing
appointment.

Oh, my...

Are you kidding?!

You're gonna your hair done at a time
like this?!

If I have to go to jail,

I do not want to be referred to as a
Frowsy Redhead!

What am I gonna do?

Well, you can always shoot yourself.

Well, come on, think of something.

Well...

What's the matter with me?

Why don't I call Duke?

Who?

Duke-- John Wayne.

All his friends call him Duke.

Oh.
He's a wonderful guy!

I had lunch with him at the studio a
couple of times.

I'll bet you he'll help me out.

Yeah, well, what if he won't?

Then I'll shoot myself.

Fred, what do you think of that?

Good. Looks nice and smooth.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.
(phone ringing)

Hello?

Oh! Send him right up, please.

Thank you.

He's here.

He's sure an all right guy.

Say, Rick, is it really true

that John Wayne is as tough as he
appears to be on the screen?

Well, he's pretty big and well-built.

Yeah, well, I heard a fella in the
barbershop said

the other day that when you shake
hands with John Wayne,

it's like putting your fingers in a
vise.

Well, I don't know about that.

Well, I got a pretty good grip
myself, you know.

Fred, you're not going to act like a
cornball, are you?

Oh, now, don't worry.

I'm going over to get Ethel's
autograph book.

She'll want his signature.

All right.

If you annoy him, enough, you may
find out how tough he is.

All right, all right.

Hi, Duke!

Hey!

Hi!

Good to see you.

Nice to see you, Duke.

It-it's sure great of you to help me
out this way.

Oh, well, I'm glad to.

I'm very flattered that your wife is
such a fan of mine,

stealing my footprints.

Is she here?

No, no.

Oh, well, that's too bad.

I've heard a lot about her-- from
Bill Holden.

Oh, yeah. Right.

'Course...

I accused him of making a lot of it
up.

Yeah, well, uh, look, uh, John, uh,
speaking of-of fans,

I have a friend of mine that lives
next door here,

and I think he's gonna come over and
ask for your autograph.

I hope you don't mind.

Oh, absolutely not.

I'm afraid of the day they won't want
it.

Well, I also have an awful hunch

that he's gonna try to shake hands
with you

and try to find out how strong your
grip is.

Oh, another one Yeah. of
those, eh?

Well, if he's a friend of yours,
we'll humor him.

Hi!

Hi, Count!

Not "Count." Duke.

"Mr. Wayne" to you.

John, this is Fred Mertz.

Howdy, pardner!

How do ya do-o-o-o-o...?

Ooh!

I'm sorry.

You've got quite a grip there, fella.

Yeah, well, I used to box a little

when I was a young fella.
Really?

Fred, don't press your luck, huh?

Oh, no, no.
I'm sorry.

Hey, I forgot.

Would you sign my wife's autograph
book for me?

Well, I'd be glad to...

Here's a pencil.

...as soon as I can get some blood
back in this hand.

Rick, Ethel's gonna flip when she
sees this.

Yeah, well, let's get going with the
footprints

We don't want to waste John's time.

Thank ya, Count.

Duke.

I wore the same shoes I had on

when I made this the first time.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, just put them right in there.

That's it.

Now we get the other one.

Here. That's it.

Here, Rick.

Here. That's it.
Attaboy.

I'll take it.

(grunting)

I tell you what--

we'd better get downstairs and get
these boots shined.

All right, Rick.
Fine.

Now for the signature,

let's put it on top of the table,
huh?

All right.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Don't strain yourself.

I'll handle that.

Kinda heavy.

(spitting)

Well, I was just too nervous to sit
there, that's all.

Well, you might have let me take the
curlers out of my hair.

You could. I can think with curlers
in my hair.

Now, for heaven's sake, I got a few
things on my...

Oh, look.

Freddy the Forger strikes again!

No, the writing is different.

I think Ricky did this.

Well, nice try,

but they'll never get away with it.

Oh, dear, what's the matter with
those characters?

They can't forge a thing like this.

Millions of people have seen this.

Everybody knows what John Wayne's
signature looks like.

Look what I got for you, honeybunch.

What?

Oh...

What is it?

"Good luck. John Wayne."

Oh, Fred.

Oh, honestly, Fred.

I'm surprised

you haven't started forging his name
on checks.

What do you mean?!

That's John Wayne's signature.

Oh, sure.

Yes, it is...

Hi.

Hey, Rick, They don't believe

that's John Wayne's signature.

Sure it is.
He signed it

while he was here a few minutes ago.

He wa...

He was... He wa...?

Wha...? Wha...? Wha...?

I thought you'd be surprised.

I don't believe it!

Sure, honey. He's down there in the
lobby

getting his boots shined.

Yeah.
He got them all dirty

when he stuck the boots in th...

No! No!

I'm sorry, honey!

What happened?!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I didn't know!

We thought it was some more

of little Freddy's finger painting.

Oh, no!

Oh, honey, honey, I'm sorry.

Look, you said he's downstairs.

Why don't go get him, ask him to do
it again?

I can't do that.

Well, why not?
He-he'll understand.

He's in movies.
Tell him it's a retake.

Well, all right, all I have to do is
go to jail.

Your whole career will be ruined.

Yes.

All right.

All right.

Mira que tengo que...

Mira que tengo que ir abajo y decirle
al hombre

que ponga el foot en el cemento otra
vez!

Oh, Lucy, that was a great idea.

Gee, we not only get off the hook,

but we get to meet John Wayne in
person.

Right up here.

Oh, John Wayne!

Oh, I can hardly wait.

He's so big and strong

and rugged.

Ha!

What do you mean, "Ha"?

Well, he may be big and strong and
rugged,

but I'm bigger and stronger and
ruggeder.

Oh, Fred, what are you babbling
about?

They say he's got a grip like a vise,

but he was like putty

in the hands of Old Bone Crusher
Mertz!

Oh, honestly, Fred, you're really
gone.

Well, I mean it!

When I gave him the iron grip,

he went right down to his knees!

Here. I'll show you.

Like that?

Yeah, you big bully.

Oh, honestly, Fred.

There we are--

all smoothed out and ready for
another try.

Gee, I hope...

Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha!

What's so funny?

This is your big chance to meet John
Wayne.

You have curlers in your hair.

(gasps)
Yikes!

I'll go home and take them out.

I'll be right back.

Hiya, girls.

I want you to meet John Wayne.

Oh!

Oh!

John, this is Mrs. Mertz.

Oh... Mr. Wayne, how do you do?

And, uh, this is my wife Lucy, John.

How do you do, Mr. Wayne?

How do you do?

I didn't expect you up here quite
like this.

I... I'm so terribly sorry.

I-I wasn't ready for it.

Does she always wear her pocketbook
on her head?

I'm afraid I owe Bill Holden an
apology.

Yeah, well, le- let's get going

with the, with the footprints.

You sit right Yeah. over there,
John.

Oh, my, you really gonna put your
foot...?

Mr. Wayne, this is so nice of you to
do this for us.

Oh, nothing is too much for a fan
like you,

Mrs. Ricardo.

Yeah, well, I certainly am a fan of
yours,

let me tell you that.

I've seen every one of your pictures.

Oh, so have I, sir.

(yelling)

Whose curler is this?

Don't look at me.

I'm just...
I'm just dying

just dying to see you in Blood Alley.

Yeah, I've seen all of your pictures.

You know, every single one of them.

You know, when you were up in that
plane,

in The High and the Mighty,

when your motor conked out,

my motor conked out right along with
it.

That's real acting, you know, real,
real acting.

Lucy.

You always...

Lucy!

Lucy, get the...!

...lots of people who are wonderful,

but you are the best...
Lucy, dear,

get the pen for the signature, honey.

Oh!

Oh, I'm gonna keep this the rest of
my life.

Save me a piece.

Yeah.

We're really gonna get to

see him do it just like...

Oh, what penmanship!

Well, I'm getting to where I can do
it faster each time.

Ah, ha, ha!

Oh, he's so funny.

Oh, a sense of humor.

Well, we'd better get back to the
shoeshine parlor.

Oh, do you really have to go?
Yeah.

Yeah, he has to go, girls.

(Lucy and Ethel clamoring)

John, I promise you.

John, I promise you.

This will be the last time.

Well, I'm afraid it'll have to be.

As much as I love stepping in wet
cement,

I'm afraid I'll be late at the
studio.

Well, you keep making those pictures
for us.

Bye, John. Good-bye.

Don't you quit.

Good-bye!

Good-bye, John.

Oh...

Isn't he a wonderful guy?

He is, Rick.

Well, all we have to do now

is take the block of cement to
Grauman's Chinese

and everything is straightened out.

Eh, Lucy?

Lucy?

Lucy!

Come on, honey, let's get the block
of cement.

We'll take it to the theater, huh?

Come on. Okay.

Oh, no!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, no!

I'm telling you, I walked around for
two hours

before I got enough nerve to come
over here

and ask you to do it again.

(grunting)

My wife doesn't know I'm here.

(straining)

I suppose those things happen.

Pardon me, Ricky.

That's okay.

(knock on door)

Come in.

Is this okay to go on with, Mr.
Wayne?

Looks okay to me.

Better check with Mr. Wellman.

Thank you.

(phone ringing)

Hello!

Oh.

Your wife and her friend are at the
gate.

I tell you what.

Pretend you're mad.

Pretend?

(snickering)

Let them stew for a while,

and then we'll surprise them with
this, you see.

Tell them, "No!"

No!

"Absolutely not!"

Absolutely not!

"Don't bother me with a thing like
that no more!"

Don't bother me with a thing like
that no more!

Ready for your rubdown?

Oh, don't bother with that.
George'll...

Oh, I insist.

This is the least I can do.

MAN: Ready on the set, Mr. Wayne,

for the beach scene!

Okay!

George, you'll have to wait till
after this scene.

Okay.

Sorry, Ricky, I'll have to get on the
set.

Sure, sure.

How can I ever thank you?

Make this the last time.

(chuckling): Okay, sure. Okay.

(door shuts)

(whispering :)
Go ahead. Closer to the...

(grunting)

Wait. That's enough.

Ooh!

There.

Oh, Lucy, are you sure that'll work?

Listen, when Mr. Wayne comes out of
his dressing room,

he must step down there.

That way, we will have his
footprints.

It's that simple.

What about his signature?

Once we have his footprints, how can
he refuse to sign?

I don't see how can he refuse

to punch you in the nose.

(door opening)

(thudding and clattering)

Oh!

Ricky, what are you doing here?

I came... I came...

Aah...

(angry muttering)

He didn't even say good-bye.

Oh, Lucy, look.

He came down here

to get John Wayne's footprints again.

Ethel, we're saved.

The signature, it isn't touched, see?

All I have to do now is go in there,

steal a pair of his boots, make the
imprints

and our troubles are over.

Okay.

I'll get this stuff out of here.

All right.

(footsteps approaching)

WAYNE: Well, give me five...
ten minutes, will ya?

I want to get a rubdown.

Ah...

George?

(gruff voice): Yeah?

Let's get on with the rubdown.

Hurry it up!

I haven't got all day.

Oh, cut the comedy, George.

Get on with the rubdown.

The robe, George!

Harder.

You heard any good stories lately,
George?

Nope.

Oh, I heard a beaut

in the steam room the other day.

It seems there was this traveling
salesman...

(grunting)

...who couldn't find a hotel room

in this town...

but he did find a farmer

who had a beautiful daughter.

Hey! Take it easy, will ya?

Well, anyway, it was raining
outside...

(knocking)

MAN: Mr. Wayne!

Yes?

Mr. Wayne, you're ready on the set!

They want you on the set.

Okay.

George, I'm wanted on the set.

George!

Are you ready for your rub now?

You just gave me one!

I just got here.

I'm beginning to worry about you,
George.

You're getting punchy!

I don't know.
I don't know.

I just ran out of his dressing room

and I was so scared, I just came on
home.

I don't know what happened to Ethel.

Well, let's just hope for the best.

Don't worry, Fred.
She'll show up.

I said let's hope for the best.

Fred, I am worried about Ethel.

Hi.

LUCY: Hi.

Come on in, Duke.

LUCY: Duke?!

I told him what happened and he was
just a doll.

Oh, Mr. Wayne, I'm so...!

Oh, you're so wonderful!

Thank you so much.

John, I don't know how to thank you.

Oh, that's so wonderful of you.

And we're gonna take good care of
that.

Don't you worry.

And I took care of that, too.
Come in here!

I brought you a six-month supply!

(Ricky laughing loudly)

LUCY: Great!

Oh!

Oh, that's great!

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: Mr. John Wayne portrayed
himself.

The man with the poster was Louis
Nicoletti

and the masseur was Ralph Volkie.

Mr. Wayne's latest picture is Blood
Alley,

released through Warner Brothers

and soon to be seen in your local
theaters.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.