I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 5, Episode 19 - Lucy Meets Charles Boyer - full transcript

(theme song ending)

ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy."

(applause)

Oh, boy, this is good French pastry!

(clears throat)

Ethel, there he is.

There who is?
Charles Boyer.

Where?
Right here.

Oh, not again.

Honey, this is the fifth time

you've seen Charles Boyer today.



That is the back of his head.

I will know it anywhere.

In Hollywood, every guy you passed

in the street was Clark Gable.

In Paris, it's Charles Boyer.

I don't care.

I have seen every picture he ever
made

and if that isn't...

Well, that's the way he would look if
he had a beard.

I'm getting sick and tired of you

and your imaginary Charles Boyers.

I don't want to hear another word
about it.

All right, all right.

You don't have to get mad.



I think he's jealous.

Lucy, are you going to finish that
pastry?

No. Go ahead, help yourself.

(cackling)

Fred, did you get the itinerary for
Europe yet?

Yeah. We're going to stay over here
in Europe

a lot longer than we planned.

OTHERS: We are?

FRED: Here's a list of the places
we're playing.

Well, that's good.

If you want to see someone

who looks more like that man I keep
seeing

than anyone we've seen yet, look over
there.

Lucy!

This time, I'm positive!

Come on.
Come on, let's...

Just a minute.

Quiet down.

Why? What's the matter?

You're not going to go over.

Why not?

Because something awful is bound to
happen.

Oh, don't be silly.
What could happen?

I don't know, I don't know,

but I don't want to be embarrassed.

You somehow or other seem to attract
trouble.

Oh, give me one good example

where I ever attracted trouble.

All right. We arrived in Paris,

you went sightseeing,

and we all wound up in jail as
counterfeiters.

That could have happened to anyone.

All right, in Hollywood,

you went to the Brown Derby for
dinner,

and Bill Holden ended up with a face
full of pie.

That was purely an accident.

Van Johnson.

Well, that...

John Wayne.

That was not my fault.

Come on, let's go. Come on.

Just a minute.

You can't go over there like that.

Why? What's the matter?

Uh, you need lipstick.

Oh, I do?
Oh, you do, honey.

We'd better fix your face up a
little.

He hasn't ordered yet.

It's him.
Yeah.

I just want to get rid of him.

I got an idea. I'm going to go over
there and talk to him.

Yeah, let's go have a chat...

Sit down, will you?

Two cornballs in this outfit is
enough.

Excuse me.
I'm Ricky Ricardo.

Oh, oh, yes, of course.
How are you?

I'm glad to see you.
Sit down.

Thank you.

My agent cabled me about having lunch
with you

sometime this week.

I was going to call you at your
hotel.

Oh.
I think it's about

doing some television shows in the
States

on Four Star Playhouse.

Yes, well, uh, I didn't come over to
talk business with you.

I came over to warn you.

Warn me? About what?

Well...

have you ever heard about my wife?

Oh, yes, yes. Uh, her name is Lucy,
is that it?

That's right, yeah.

Yes, yes, I heard all those publicity
stories about her.

Yeah, well, I got news for you.

Those were not publicity stories.

You mean they were true?

Yes.

Well, she must... she must, she must
be quite a character.

Well, she's, uh... more than just a
character.

She's a... a...

Oh, yes, yes, we have a word for her
in French:

balle de vis.

What does that mean?

Screwball.

That's the word.

That's exactly the word.

Well, look, she's coming over here

to ask for your autograph.

Play it safe-- tell her you're not
Charles Boyer.

Well, she certainly can see that...

I know, but she's already seen ten
men today

that she thought was you.

So, just tell her that she made
another mistake.

All right, Charles?

Charles? But I think you made a
mistake, monsieur.

My name is Maurice, Maurice DuBois.

Thank you very much, Mr. DuBois.

It'll be a pleasure having lunch with
you

later on in the week.

Good-bye, Mr. Ricardo.
Thank you.

(chuckling)

Oh, he's a nice fellow.

I've been watching him, Rick, and I
don't know.

What do dames see in him?

Well, I guess he's...

What's he got that I haven't got?

Nothing.

It's just what you got that he hasn't
got

that louses you up.

We'll be right back.

RICKY: Mm-hmm.

Pardon me.

Uh, I'm Lucy Ricardo,

and this is my friend, Ethel Mertz.

(giddily): Oh, Mr. Boyer, how do you
do?

It's happened again!

What?

I'm terribly sorry to disappoint you,
lady,

but I'm afraid you've made a mistake.

Oh?

Yes. People are always taking me for
Charles Boyer,

but I'm not.

My name is Maurice, Maurice DuBois.

Oh... oh.

Personally, I don't understand

why people make the mistake.

Well, now that I see you up closer,

I can tell that you're not Boyer.

Sorry to disappoint you, ladies.

You know, you don't even sound like
him, does he?

No.

Well, good.

You know, that whole resemblance to
Boyer

has been my downfall.

Oh, how come?

Well, you see I am actor, too.
Oh.

And because I look like him,

producers will not hire me.

And between you and me,

I am a much better actor than he is.

Oh, come now.

I happen to think that Charles Boyer

is a marvelous actor.

He is the greatest.

Ha!

Well, that's sour grapes if I ever
heard it.

Well, huh, you can hardly blame me.

It has changed my whole life.

Oh, well, I can understand that.

Well, sorry we bothered you, Mr.,
uh...

Eh, DuBois.

Oh, yes.
Well, um...

uh, see you, uh, later.

Good-bye. I'm sorry I'm not Charles
Boyer.

That makes three of us.

I could have sworn that was him.

Yeah.
Huh?

Oh.
Come on, let's go.

Oh, you get your autograph?

No. That wasn't Charles Boyer.

Are you kidding?

No.
No, it was some ham actor

named Maurice DuBois.

Oh, what do you know.

He looked so much like Boyer.

Nah, not really.
Come on.

(knock at door)

Oh, come in, Fred.

Hi, Rick.
What do you want?

Listen, did you give out any
publicity

about me having luncheon with Charles
Boyer this week.

Of course not.

That must have been Don Sharp.

What's the matter?
These agents.

See the Paris Tribune?

No.

Listen to this.

"International Note."

"Cuban Ricky Ricardo and French
Charles Boyer

"have a luncheon engagement this week
here in Paris

to discuss a deal for American
television."

Uh-oh.

How am I gonna keep Lucy away from
this luncheon?

Well, you could lock her in the
closet.

Cut it out, will you?

No, you know what I was thinking?

You know, the other day at that
restaurant

when I said to her that I was sick
and tired

of her imaginary Charles Boyer?

She thought I was jealous, right?

Uh-huh.

Well, what if I put on a big act

and make her really think that I'm
jealous?

You're not that good an actor.

Is that so?

Ricky... did you see Buchwald's
column?

Yes.

Are you really having lunch with
Boyer?

Yes, I am.

Can I go with you?
No.

But Ricky!

I said no.

(whining): Oh, why can't I go?

Mr. Boyer is my idol.

He's so romantic.
How can I leave Paris...

(shouting): I said, "No!"

I am sick and tired of hearing you
talk about him.

"Charles Boyer, Charles Boyer,
Charles Boyer."

What is he, the end of the earth or
something?

Well, no, he's just...

Yeeees, you just said what he was!

He's your idol!

"He's so romantic!" (grunts)

Why, Ricky, you're jealous.

Jealous? Ha!

You are.

Fred, will you pardon me?
This is a private matter.

Please.
I'll be glad to.

Thank you.

All right, now you know my secret.

I am jealous-- insanely jealous!

But, honey, you have nothing to be
jealous about.

Charles Boyer, he's just a movie
star.

I haven't even met him.

And you're not going to.

Huh... huh...

Why would I introduce a charming man

like Charles Boyer to a gorgeous
redhead like you?

Well...

You're not even going to get near
him.

Do you hear me?

You're mine, mine, all mine!

Wow! Who needs Boyer?

You don't, that's who.

Darling, I have to leave you now,

but I'll be back to your arms as soon
as I can.

(weakly): All right.

Wait for me, my love.

I will.

Good-bye, my sweet.

Good-bye.

My goodness!

Lucy, Lucy, is it true?

Is he really going to have lunch with
Charles Boyer?

Oh, boy, this is your big
opportunity, huh?

No, Ethel, I'm not going.

Why not?

I have a big problem.

Ricky is insanely jealous of Charles
Boyer.

(cackling)

Oh, Lucy.

He is. You should have seen him.

He was so mad, he was snorting like a
bull,

and his eyes bugged out something
awful.

Worse than they usually do?

Yeah.

What's your big problem?

I should think you'd be delighted.

Well, it's flattering, but it's also
very disturbing.

How would you feel if-if Fred were
smoldering with jealousy?

Fred wouldn't smolder if he backed
into a blowtorch.

I've just got to do something to
prove to him

that Charles Boyer doesn't mean a
thing to me.

What can you possibly do?

Well...

listen, do you remember that actor we
met in that restaurant?

That... that Maurice...

DuBois, the one that looks like
Boyer?

Yeah. Ricky thought he really was
Charles Boyer, right?

He sure did.

Well, I'm going to ask Maurice DuBois
to come up here

and make love to me right in front of
Ricky.

And I won't pay a bit of attention to
him,

see? And when Ricky sees that I'm not
a bit impressed,

he'll realize that he has nothing to
be jealous about.

Oh, boy, this is one of your crazy
schemes

you can leave me out of.

Who asked you in?

Well, you always do drag me into your
crazy schemes.

Well, this is one time I can do
without you.

What's wrong with me all of a sudden?

Well, nothing, but this, I can handle
by myself.

I know this sounds crazy, but I feel
left out.

Well, all right, Ethel, come along if
you want to.

No, I don't want to; I just wanted
you to ask me.

Oh, well...

I'll see you later.
Okay.

Good work.

Okay.

Madame, perhaps, would like another
cafe?

Oh, no, thank you.
I've already had seven.

Listen, are you sure you don't know
Maurice DuBois?

I'm sorry, no.

Funny, I felt sure he hung around
here all the time.

There he is.

Je vous demande pardon, madame.

This is Monsieur Charles Boyer!

Ha, ha. So he fooled you, too, huh?

Well, good, that means he can fool my
husband.

Here you are.

Merci, madame.

Merci.

Monsieur DuBois?

Monsieur DuBois?

You are Monsieur DuBois, aren't you?

Oh, oh, yes, I certainly am.

Oh, it's nice to see you again.

Well, it's very nice seeing you.

I've been waiting for you for hours.

For me?
Yes.

I-I have something very important

to talk to you about.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I have a luncheon
engagement.

This is very important.

I have a job for you-- an acting job.

Oh, really?

Yes.

Yes, it, uh...

(clears throat)

It's a romantic lead.

Do you think you can handle it?

Well, I don't know.

I've never done anything like that
before.

I see. Well, what kind of acting do
you do?

Mostly Westerns.

French Westerns?

Yep.

Well, do you think that you can do

an imitation of Charles Boyer?

(chuckling): Oh... Oh, I doubt it.

Oh, he's so... so corny.

Corny?

My, you are bitter, aren't you?

Well, and that voice of his.

He always sounds like he has
indigestion.

Don't worry about the voice.

That, you can fake; I'll coach you.

All right, I can try,

but what's this all about, anyway?

Well, my husband, Ricky, is insanely
jealous

of Charles Boyer.

No, he is?

Yes. 'Course there's no sense to it.

We've been happily married for 15
years.

But I want to prove to Ricky

that he has no reason to be jealous.

And where do I come in?

I want you to play a love scene with
me

in front of Ricky.

And when he sees I'm not a bit
impressed,

he'll realize that he has nothing to
be jealous about.

Will you do it?

Well, you know, it's a tough
assignment.

I'm a good actor, but I'm not sure
I'm that good.

Well, we'll see.

Now, I'll give you ten dollars.

That's 3,500 francs!

Hey, that's a lot of money.

Yes, it is.

Remember, if you do it well,

you never can tell what might happen.

I know a lot of pretty big people in
Hollywood.

You do? Well, in that case, I can't
afford to turn you down.

Good. Good. Now, can you get out of
this luncheon today?

This-- oh, no, no, I'm afraid not.

No? Well, all right, I'm at the Hotel
Royal.

As soon as you have your little
luncheon,

come up and I'll start coaching you.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Fine. I'll see you later.

Good-bye, Mrs. Ricardo.

Good-bye.
Good-bye.

Hello, Ricky.

Hi, Charles.

I've been just having a chat with
your wife.

What?!

Don't worry. She still thinks I'm
Maurice DuBois.

Good, good.
And, by the way,

she told me you are jealous of
Charles Boyer.

(laughing uncontrollably)

I put on a big act for her the other
day

because I wanted to keep her away

from this luncheon, you know.

What did she want with you?

Wait, wait until you hear the plot
she's cooked up.

She wants me...

Don't do it.

But you haven't even heard what it
is.

It doesn't matter, don't do it.

Ricky, I think it might be a lot of
fun.

She's hiring me to play the part of
Charles Boyer.

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

You see, she is really quite
concerned

about your jealousy, and she wants...

All right, Maurice, now you know what
to do.

Let's pretend that Ricky is seated
over there.

Go ahead.

Oh, no, no, Maurice.

What's wrong?

Charles Boyer doesn't kiss like that.

When you kiss a woman's hand, put
some schmaltz into it.

(smooching loudly)

Silent schmaltz.

Honestly, I don't know

how you ever make a living as an
actor.

I often wonder myself.

Well, for one thing, don't just sit
there

like a bump on a log.
Sit up, sit up.

Try to look romantic, like Boyer.

All right, and how does your Boyer
look romantic?

Well...

for one thing, he gets an expression
on his face

like he just walked into the grand
ballroom

and smelled cauliflower cooking.

Oh, I see.

Like that, huh?

That's it.

That's the look.

That's good. Now, now tell me you
like me.

Madame Ricardo, I like you very much.

No, no, no.

The voice, the voice.
Oh.

When Boyer is being romantic,

he doesn't just talk, he-he growls,
he says,

(growling): "Ah, Lucy, I like you."

Is that the way he sounds?

Yes.

Then I'm surprised he got as far as
he did.

Just never mind.

Now you try it.

(growling)

That's good!
No, no, no, no.

I was just clearing my throat.

Oh. Well, keep it in.
That's good, that's good.

(growling)

(with deep voice): Lucy, I like you.
You're so gor...

No, keep the face up.
Keep the face up.

Huh? What? Yes.
Remember, cauliflower cooking.

(growling)

Ah, Lucy, I like you.

(growling)

You're so gorgeous.

Good, but don't strain your voice
now.

You've got it, you've got it.

You know, that's hard to do.

Whew, that Boyer must have throat
muscles like a horse.

Well, remember the plan now.

You're to come by at 5:00

and tell Ricky you were just passing

and thought you'd drop in.

Of course.

Well, good-bye, Mrs. Ricardo.

Good-bye.

I'll see you at 5:00.

Oh, uh, one more thing.

Don't get too close to Ricky.
He'll know you're a phony.

Oh, oh, I'll remember.

Good-bye, Lucy.

That's good.
That's good.

(phone ringing)

It's the phone, dear.

Oh.

Hello.

Oh?

Uh, yes, ask him to come up, please.

Lucy, leave the room.

Why, what's the matter?

Somebody's coming up here that I
don't want you to meet,

so leave the room go over to the
Mertzes'.

Well, who is it? Who's coming up?
Tell me.

All right, if you must know-- it's
him.

Him?

Charles Boyer, so leave the room. Go.

That won't be necessary.

Lucy!

I am going to stay right here and
prove to you

that Charles Boyer doesn't mean a
thing to me.

(knock at door)

Monsieur Ricardo.

Oh, Mr. Boyer, will you please come
in?

Mr. Boyer, I'd like you to meet my
wife, Lucy.

Lucy, Charles Boyer.

Well, I'm delighted to see you.

Hi, there.

Won't you sit down, please?

Lucy, may I say that you are the most
fascinating,

the most exciting creature I've ever
seen.

Charles.

(growling)

Charles.

(growling)

Charles!

Pardon me.

Charles, would you mind telling me
what's going on here?

I'm sorry, Ricky.

I realize that you must think I'm a
cad,

but when I walked into this room and
saw her,

I took leave of my senses.

I'm not responsible anymore.

Ah, Lucy...

Lucy, I... I know I could never have
your heart,

but at least let me hold your hands.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Lucy, how can you act so indifferent
to me

when you must realize how I feel
about you?

You want some orange?

Oops!

Want some orange, Ricky?

No, thank you.

Delicious.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Lucy? Lucy, this is Ethel.

Ricky is playing an awful dirty trick
on you.

Fred just spilled the beans.

What do you mean?

That Maurice DuBois really is Charles
Boyer.

(choking)

Keep him there now.
I'm coming right up.

Lucy, who was that on the phone?

Nobody!

Lucy, what was I saying before I was
interrupted?

I don't know!

Ah, don't run away from this.

It was meant to be.

Lucy, I am drawn to you like a moth
to a flame.

I cannot help myself.

(screams loudly)

(laughing heartily)

Charles, I think our little game is
over.

That telephone call must have tipped
her off.

I'm afraid so.

Don't be silly. I knew who you were
all the time.

Well, I hope you're not too angry
with us.

No.

Well, I must run along.

I'm supposed to be interviewed on
television.

Oh, that's right.
You told me.

Well, thank you very much

for being such a wonderful sport.

Not at all; it was fun.

Good-bye, Ricky.
Good-bye, Lucy.

(growling)

(Ricky laughing loudly)

Ricky Ricardo, that's a dirty trick!

What are you talking about?

I thought you said

you knew who he was all the time?

Oh.

Well, I did, but if I hadn't, that
was a dirty trick!

So...

So, you weren't even jealous or
anything.

That was all a frame-up, huh?

Right. I just wanted to keep you away
from him

to avert the catastrophe.

I don't trust you with celebrities.

Well, you see, you were wrong.

He was up here and what happened?

Not a thing!
Well...

Oh, oh, I saw him, I saw him!

He was just getting off the elevator.
I was getting on.

I'm goose bumps all over.

What was he like?
What was he like?

Oh, Ethel, he was just dreamy.

He's so French and so...

(growling)

ETHEL: Oh, boy.

He's just the living end.

Oh, was he romantic like we thought?

(knock at door)
I wanted to ask him

for his autograph, but I just
couldn't do it.

Hi, Charles.

I'm sorry, Ricky, I forgot my hat.

RICKY: Oh, come in.
Where is it?

I think I...

Excuse me.

I think... I think I set it down on
the couch.

Your hat?

Yes.
You forgot your hat?

Yes, I did.
Well.

Oh, Mr. Boyer, I'm terribly sorry.

I'm terribly sorry.

That's perfectly all right.

We'll have to get you a new hat.

Oh, are you kidding?

Mr. Boyer, while you're here could we
have your autograph?

Why, certainly.

Oh, yes, please.
I brought my book

Now, Lucy!

(clamoring)

You'll have to write it twice now.

I saw your picture...
I saw your picture

about the Casbah,

where you smoked two cigarettes and
everything.

I afraid it's out of ink.

No ink!

Oh, I filled it this morning!

Have you got a pen?

I filled it this morning.

Oh!

RICKY: Lucy! Oh, no!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Boyer.

Milk... milk will take that out.

All right, then, I'll get some. Thank
you.

Look, you want to borrow one of my
shirts?

Yeah, borrow one of Ricky's shirts.

Oh, no, no.
No, that's all right.

I'll keep my coat on.

Oh, well, let me help you then.

That's all right.

Let me help you put your coat on.

That's all right.

Let me help him put his coat on!

Please, now!

I want to help him put his coat on!

(coat ripping)

RICKY: No!

I'm sorry, Mr. Boyer.

That's all right.

We tore your coat.

Oh, don't think about it.

We'll mend it for you right now.

No, no, no, please.

Would you like for me to get my
sewing kit?

No, that's all right.

Just let me get out of here.

No, no. No, no, that's fine.

Charlie, I'm awfully sorry.

(thud)
Oh, no!

Mr. Boyer, I'm terribly sorry.

Perfectly all right.

It's all right. Never mind.

Au revoir.

No, no, no, no. Don't say au revoir,
dear.

Just say good-bye.

(orchestra playing closing flourish)

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: The part of the waiter was
played by Jack Chefe,

and Mr. Charles Boyer portrayed
himself.

"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.