I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 4, Episode 29 - Ricky Needs an Agent - full transcript

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

Lucy, did you see this picture

of Ricky in the paper?

Yeah, I saw it.

Lucy, did I leave my glasses here
last night?

Yeah, Fred.
Right there.

Well, you don't sound very excited.

Ehh, "Ricky Ricardo Crowns Queen Of
The Automobile Show."

That's the third one this week.

Ricky's crowned more queens than the
Archbishop of Canterbury.

Oh, I think it's a very good picture,
don't you, Fred?



Yeah, this automobile queen's

got a nice chassis.

I meant the picture of Ricky.

Ricky?

Hey, here's a picture of Ricky, too.

That's all, brother.

What's wrong with this?

Well, look.

"Ricky Ricardo Dedicates New
Freeway."

"Ricky Ricardo Opens Supermarket."

"Ricky Ricardo Judges Dog Show."

Well, publicity is mighty important.

Yeah. Look at this.

"Mammoth car wash opened."



"Ricky Ricardo, left, tosses in first
soapy sponge."

What's the matter with that?

Well, they had to say he was on the
left

so people could tell which one was
the sponge.

Oh. (chuckling)

Ah, let's face it, Ethel.

You don't win Academy Awards

by patting poodles on the head and
crowning queens.

I don't think that studio

is ever gonna give him a picture.

Oh, sure they are.

Well, it has been a long time.

Now, what does Ricky think about it?

Oh, the poor thing hasn't got time to
think.

He's so busy hopping from one
publicity stunt to the other.

Where's Peter Rabbit now?

He has to dance with 100 young
college girls.

Can you think of anything worse than
that?

Yeah, I can think of a couple of
things.

Well, this just can't go on.

This is not the way to...

LUCY: Oh, here he is.

ETHEL: Hi, Rick.

Hi, Rick.

Hi, everybody.

LUCY: Hi, dear.
How did everything go?

All right, I guess.

Ricky, did you really have to dance
with a hundred girls?

That's what they told me.
I lost count sometime ago.

Aw, he's been dancing since 10:00
this morning.

Honey, honey, come on. Let's
dance.

No, now, honey, stop that.

Come now, now, just sit down there.

Come on now, sit down.

Poor boy.

Honey, I've just been going through
your scrapbooks

and suddenly I got a very objective
picture

of just what's been happening to you

since you came to Hollywood.

Yeah?

This is the last

publicity stunt you are going to do.

It is?

Yes. I've made up my mind.

I'm putting your foot down.

Well, pick it up again

because I'm under contract to the
studio, you know.

They're paying my salary every week.

Yeah.

He has to do what they say.

That's right.

Besides, they've been in the picture
business a long time.

They know what's good for me.

Well, I've been in the Ricky Ricardo
business a long time

and I know what's better for you.

Look, honey, I don't like it either,
but what am I gonna do?

What can he do?

I'll tell you what he can do.

He can march himself right out there

and demand that they give him a
picture to star in.

And suppose they don't?

You tell them they have to give you a
picture or...

or, uh... or, uh...

Hmm...

Or... or what?

Or else.

Or else what?

Oh, you keep out of this.

Can't you just say, "You give me a
picture or else"

and let them worry?

Well, honey, now, look, why don't you
just forget it, huh?

I feel better if I know that

you're not worrying about my career.

I'm awful tired.

I'm going to go lie down for a while.

FRED: Okay.

ETHEL: Take a hot bath, honey.

Yeah, something.

Honestly, I don't know what's
happened to him.

Forget it, Lucy. The studio knows
what's best for him.

They do not. They're letting a great
talent

slip through their fingers.

If only I could get Ricky to do
something about it.

Well, what do you want him to do?

Walk in and say, "you'd better use me

because my wife thinks I'm very
talented."

Well...

Well, the trouble is that

Ricky hasn't got an agent

to go in and fight for him.

Fred, when will you ever learn to
keep your big mouth shut?

Now, what did I do?

ETHEL: You just lit a fuse

that may lead to the biggest
explosion we've seen yet.

An agent!

Of course that's what he needs.

Somebody to go in there and tell them
how good he is

and how many other offers he's had.

FRED: But Ricky hasn't got an agent.

He has now.

Gee, I'm glad you gave me this idea,
Fred.

What idea?

The idea for this whole plan.

What plan?

This plan wou...

What's the matter with you, Fred?

Well, I'm just practicing my answers

for when Ricky asks me if I know
anything about this.

"Oh, what idea, Ricky?"

"What plan are you talking about?"

"Lucy who?"

Oh, Fred.

Lucy, I don't think you'd better
meddle in this.

Now, now, look, Ethel, Ethel,
nothing's gonna go wrong.

I'm just gonna go out there

and light a fire under Dore Schary.

Well, I hope he's wearing asbestos
britches.

Texas-03311.

Oh, now, Lucy...

No...

H-H-Hello, MGM?

I'd like to speak to Dore...

Oh. I just remembered, Dore Schary
knows me.

Uh, yes?

Um, um, I'd like to, uh, speak to the
vice president

in charge of Ricky Ricardo, please.

Ricky Ricardo.

"Who is he?"

He's one of your biggest stars.

"Who is he?"

Uh... yes.

Yes, well, I'd like to discuss his
contract.

Walter Riley? Thank you.

Uh, hello, Mr. Riley.

I'm calling for Miss McGillicuddy

of the (muffled) Agency.

Yeah, this is Miss McGillicuddy's
secretary.

Yes, we just signed a new client, Mr.
Ricky Ricardo.

Miss McGillicuddy would like to come
in

and discuss his contract with you.

Lucy, are you still here?

Yeah. I thought Ricky would never
leave.

I'm gonna be late for my appointment
with Mr. Riley.

Well, your mother wants a little robe
for the baby.

You know where they are, honey.

Yep.

Honey, I thought you'd left.

Well, I went down to the car to get
my guitar.

Oh.

You're not going anyplace, are you?

Hmm?

You're not going anyplace, are you?

Uh...no.

RICKY: Oh, hi, hi, Ethel.

Hi, Rick.

Listen, I've got to sing at the
opening

of a bowling alley this afternoon,

so I thought maybe you...

Will you listen to a song, see if you
think it's all right?

Sure.

Op-Opening of a bowling alley?

Yeah.

It's an old Spanish song, you know.

Como un avanicar de calor real

En el jardin azul de tu extravio

Contremo las angustias musicales

Se asoman tus pupilas el astillo...

Oh, honey, that's just wonderful!

Well, that's just the verse.
This is the chorus.

Oh.

Es que quieren volver

Tus amores de ayer a inquiedarme

Y me quieren robar el divino penar de
adorarte...

Oh, ha, ha, ha! Oh.

Pues que quieres vivir

Y volver a sentir las al dia

De manchar la esmeralda de tus ojos

Ojos-- that's eyes, means eyes.

Vida mia.

Ha, ha!

That's wonderful.

Oh, that's wonderful, honey.

They'll love it. Yeah?

Okay, well, thank you.

Listen, uh, you want to come with me?

Uh... no... no.

No, it's such a lazy day.

I'm just gonna loll around the house.

Okay, well, I'll see you later.

ETHEL: Okay, Rick.

Good-bye, Ethel.

So long.
Thanks for listening.

Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

You really liked it, huh?

Oh, it was wonderful.

It was wonderful, honey, yeah.

Oh, my.

Honey, see you later.

(intercom buzzing)

Yes?

WOMAN: Mr. Riley, Ricky Ricardo's
agent,

a Miss McGillicuddy is here.

Ask her to come in, would you,
please, Miss Klein?

Yes, sir.

How do you do, Mr. Riley?

How do you do, Miss McGillicuddy?

Down, Riley.

I do not believe that women in
business

deserve any special privileges.

As you say.

Now then, let's get down to cases.

Mr. Riley, just what does your
studio, uh,

plan to do with my client?

Well, you see...

After all, he didn't come all the way
out to California

just to crown queens and open
supermarkets, you know.

Well, we understand all that.

We're just trying to keep his name
before the public

until we put him in a picture.

And just when do you think that might
be, Mr. Riley?

Well, to you tell the truth,

we can't seem to find just the right
property...

Uh-huh.

Uh, you see, he's a little difficult
to cast.

Not on Broadway, he isn't.

What do you mean?

Mr. Riley, I just flew in from New
York

where a very famous team of producers

have a big musical they are just
frantic to star Ricardo in.

Famous team of producers?

Yes. Of course, I can't reveal their
names,

but, uh, Oscar and Dick are just wild
about the boy.

They really want him?

Unquestionably.

But I said to them, "You can't have
him, Oscar,

and neither can you, Dick."

Well, this throws an entirely new
light on things.

I thought it would.

This could cause quite a stir around
here.

I'm sure it could.

I'd better call Mr. Schary about
this.

I think you should.

Uh, Mr. Schary, please.

Hello, Dore.

Uh, Walt.

Say, uh, Ricky Ricardo's agent is in
here and...

Well, he has one now.

She's been telling me that Ricky has
an offer

to star in a Broadway show.

Well, that's the way I feel about it,
too.

He's a great talent.

We should have used him in a picture
long before this.

Oh, I agree with you completely.

I think it should be right away.

All right, I'm sure she'll be
delighted.

All right.

Good-bye.

Well, Miss McGillicuddy, I have great
news for you.

Yes?

Yes. We have decided to release Ricky
from his contract.

What did you say?

I say we have decided to release
Ricky from his contract.

But I, uh... if, if...

He's, uh... released?

(chuckling): Surprised?

Yeah.

Boy, am I surprised.

Well, I don't blame you.

You know, we don't do this very
often,

but we're very fond of Ricky

and we don't want to stand in his
way.

Yeah, well, then why, why, why, uh...

He's... released?

He's released.

He's released.

Well, Miss McGillicuddy,

I certainly want to wish you a lot of
good luck.

Yeah, well, I'll need it.

I may be back in New York in time

for the opening of his show.

If I am, perhaps you can send me some
passes, eh.

(chuckling): Yeah.

Yeah...

(sobbing)

Well, thank you so much for dropping
in.

Uh... M-M-Mr. Riley?

Yes?

See you at the opening.

All right. Good-bye.

Will you come in, please, Miss Klein?

Yes, Mr. Riley?

Mr. Riley, I've been thinking it over

and I can't do this to you.

How do you mean?

Well, uh, look at it this way.

Uh, you release Ricky from his
contract,

he goes to Broadway

and becomes a tremendous success.

And then Metro buys the film rights
to the musical

and they want Ricky to play the lead.

Naturally, since, uh, Ricky has
become such a huge success,

I have to demand a huge salary.

Then someone remembers that he was
under contract to you

and he was released.

They demand to know who released him

and every finger points to you,
Walter Riley.

They fire you immediately.

And no other studio will hire such a
dunce.

You become a penniless bum.

Now, I don't want to have to go
through life,

knowing that I was responsible for
making you, Walter Riley

end up in the gutter.

I appreciate your concern, but I'm
afraid

I'll just have to take that chance,
Miss McGillicuddy.

Good-bye.

He's released, huh?

Yes.

Good-bye, Miss McGillicuddy.

Bye.

Come in, Miss Klein.

Yes, sir?

Mr. Riley...

Mr. Riley, you're doing lots of
remakes.

Why don't you take one of your big
hits

and do it over for Ricky?

Tailor it for him.

Well...

Like, uh...
I'm afraid not.

Like Gone With The Cuban Wind?

I'm afraid not.

Or, uh, It Happened One Noche?

I'm afraid not. Afraid not.

Well, it was just a thought.

How about Seven Brides For Seven
Cubans?

No.

The Ricardos of Wimpole Street?

No, thank you.

All right, Miss Klein.

Andy Hardy Meets a Conga Player?

Lock it. Lock it.

Take a letter, will you, please?

Yes, sir.

Uh, it's to A.J.

Uh... Dear A.J.:

Regarding your visit here to us next
month

to discuss plans for the coming year,

I have already set up meetings for
you

with the heads of the various
departments

and arranged a press party for you.

Dore wants you and your wife to spend
the weekend...

Mr. Riley!

(screaming)

How about Ricky...
Ricky, Son Of Flicka?

A... A Streetcar Named Ricardo?

Three Cubans In A Fountain?

Uh...

Meet Me In St. Ricky?

Now, then...

Arsenic And Old Ricky?

ETHEL: Well, Lucy, did you...?

What happened?

Ooh, look how pale she is.

FRED: Look at her eyes.

She looks like a frightened horse.

Lucy?

Lucy, I can't stand it.

What happened?

Are they gonna put Ricky in a
picture?

FRED: Are they just gonna keep on
like they're going now?

ETHEL: Well, there's no other
alternative, is there?

What?

They released him from his contract.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, Lucy, when Ricky finds out you
got him fired,

he'll kill you!

If I could only be sure that's all
he'll do.

How did this happen, Lucy?

Well, I... I went in to talk to Mr.
Riley

and I told him that-that Ricky had a
big musical on Broadway

and he called Dore Schary.

And they said they didn't want to
stand in his way

(blubbering): and they released him
from his contract!

Oh, Lucy, what are you gonna do?

(snuffling): I don't know.

Oh, honey.

(sniffling)

I thought maybe I'd dye my hair black

and move to Mexico.

But first I'm gonna swim to Catalina

to throw him off the scent.

Oh, honey...

There's just one thing I can do,
Ethel.

What?

I'm just gonna have to face him with
what I've done.

Oh, you know Ricky's temper.

Yeah, we've met.

Well, you're gonna meet again.

I don't want to be here for the
reunion.

I've done a terrible thing.

I've ruined his career.

Anything he does to me, I deserve.

Oh, now, honey.

For 14 years Ricky's been

trusting, devoted, understanding

and what have I been?

Thoughtless, selfish, meddlesome

bungling, scheming, conniving

eh...

Irritating,

headstrong,

obnoxious,

self-centered...

Fred!

It's all right, Ethel.

Let him alone. He's right.

Well, as long as it's open season,

how about petty, childish, stubborn,

vain...

All right, let's not get carried
away.

What are we standing here for?

Ricky will be here any minute.

Come on, you'd better hide in our
room.

Yeah, come on.
No, uh-uh. No, uh-uh.

Come on.
Come on now, honey.

You can leave him a note

and then come back when the storm
blows over.

No, I'm gonna stay right here and
face him.

What, with a chair and a whip?

We're not gonna let you do it. Now
come on!

You'd better come with us.

No, I'm not.

It is for your own good.

Come on now, honey.

Hi, everybody!

ETHEL: Hi!

Oh, um, Uh, Rick, uh, Lucy, uh, uh...

Uh, she...

Ricky....

Ricky, I have something to say to
you.

Well, I'll see you later.

So long, Rick.

We have something we have to do.

See you around.

What's the matter with them?

They don't want to watch, and I don't
blame them.

Watch what?

Give me a kiss?

One last farewell kiss?

What's the matter with you, honey?

(stifled sob)

Ricky...

I went out to MGM today and got you
fired.

What are you talking about?

I went out to MGM today

and pretended that I was your agent.

You what?!

Now you're getting it.

I went out to MGM...

I went out to MGM today

and I and I and I said I was your
agent

and that you were wanted for a big
Broadway musical

and Dore Schary said they didn't
stand in your way,

so they released you from your
contract

and thanks to me, you don't work at
Metro anymore.

(heaving)

(fist slapping)
Whoa!

(high-pitched growl)

Well, you don't just stand there.

Throw something!
Throw something!

(growling)

Yeah! Yeah!

Here! Here! Here!

(hollering)

This is worse than the time

you loused up my screen test!

Yeah, yeah, it's worse

than when we got arrested in
Tennessee!

It was all my fault. Yeah!

Yeah, it's worse than

when we were handcuffed together for
48 hours!

Yeah!
Yeah!

It's worse than when I loused up your
nightclub act...

Yeah, yeah!

Here, here, here.

What's this for?

I don't know, but smash it anyway,

and I'll have one coming...

All right!

Give me some more!

Give me some more!

Here.

Oh, no!
Here.

(grunting)

Ay, caramba!

Ay, mira lo que me ha hecho!

You feel better, honey?

Ay, mira lo que me ha hecho!

You feel better?
(grumbling)

Don't you feel better, honey?

Get it all out of your system.

(angry growl)

Ohh!

Oh, boy. Oh...

(muttering)

Oh, boy.

Gee. Ohh.

He killed her and tried to hide

her body under the couch!

Oh, Lucy!

No, I'm all right.

Oh, thank heavens, you're alive!

Yeah, not even hurt.

He took his anger out on the
bric-a-brac.

Where did he go?

I don't know.

Maybe he went out trying to get a job
wrecking houses.

Well, at least it's all over.

I'm not so sure.

I feel that I'll have to live with
this for a long time.

Oh, if only you hadn't gone out there
today.

Yes, but I did.

I have an idea.

How can you stand there in the middle
of all this mess

and utter those four horrible words,
"I've got an idea"?

Now wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Texas 03311.

She's a cool one;

she's returning to the scene of the
crime.

Listen, they don't know that...

Uh, Mr. Riley, please.

They don't know I was the one that
was out there today.

Hello, Mr. Riley.

Mr. Riley, this is Mrs. Ricardo,
Ricky Ricardo's wife.

Yes, Ricky wanted me to call you and
warn you about something.

Yes, it seems there's some woman
going around town

claiming that she's Ricky's agent,
and...

She was in your office today?

Well! How crazy can she be?!

Oh, you don't say.

Mr. Riley, Ricky doesn't have an
agent.

No, she certainly is not, and as for
that nonsense

about Ricky going to Broadway for a
big...

Well... well, I-I know sh-she's been
going around saying that.

Yes, Mr. Riley, Ricky is very happy
working at Metro

and he wishes to continue there a
long, long time.

He will, won't he?

Oh, bless you, Mr. Riley!

I mean, thank you.

Bye.

Bravo!

Bravo!

Housekeeper, please.

This is Mrs. Ricardo in 315.

Uh, we've had a little accident.

Lucy, where are you?

Here I am, honey, and have I got good
news for you.

Yeah, it cost quite a bit, fixing the
place up.

But it really doesn't matter
because...

I'll say, it doesn't matter.

What do you mean?

Well, I got myself an agent, and he
already got me a job

at another studio at three times the
money.

Huh?

You know, getting me out of that
Metro deal was

the best thing you've ever done.

Three times the money, imagine that.

And not only that, but they're gonna
star me

in four pictures in a row right away.

Four pictures!

Here. Here.

Oh, I forgot something else, too.

They're gonna give you a contract.

(screaming)

(screaming)

Wait! Wait!
Hey! Hey!

What's the matter?

What are you laughing at?

I was just kidding you, honey.

I called Metro and they told me
everything was straightened out.

Come here.

Oh, Ricky!

Oh, no!

(laughing)
Oh, Ricky.

ANNOUNCER: Next week I Love Lucy will
be brought to you by

Lilt Home Permanents.

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

Mr. Riley was played by Parley Baer

and the secretary was Helen Kleeb.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.