I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 4, Episode 22 - Bullfight Dance - full transcript

Lucy blackmails Ricky to get a role on a national TV show, but the part isn't exactly what she expected.

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

(knock at door)

Come in.

Oh, hi, Ross.
Hi, Lucy.

Ricky isn't here right now,

but he'll be back in a few minutes.

That's all right.
I came over to talk to you.

Oh? Lucy, I just set Ricky

for a big spread in Photoplay
magazine.

Article, pictures, the works.

Wow, wonderful. What did you want to
talk to me about?



Well, about the article.

You're a very important part of it.

I am?
Sure.

You see, now that Don Juan is called
off,

we can play up the fact that Ricky is
married,

and the article is going to be
entitled "What it's like

to be married to Ricky Ricardo," by
you.

By me?
That's right.

"What it's like to be married to
Ricky Ricardo."

You think you can handle it?

Handle it? I'm an expert in the
field.

Good.

Hi.

LUCY: There he is.



Hi, Ross. Hi, honey.

Hi, Ricky.
You've been waiting for me?

No. I came over to see Lucy.
Oh.

We were just discussing an article
about you

for Photoplay magazine.

You and Lucy were discussing it?

Yeah, it's called

"What it's like to be married to
Ricky Ricardo"

by me.

Oh, oh, I see.

You gonna write it and then you gonna
put Lucy's name...

No, no, Ricky. We want this to be an
honest, sincere account

of exactly the way Lucy feels about
you.

What's the matter with you?

You crazy or something?

What are you afraid of, Ricky?

Haven't got enough "'sperience."

I've been married to you longer than
anybody.

I don't mean that.
I mean you...

you haven't got enough 'sperience in
writing.

She doesn't need any, Ricky.

They gave me a list of questions.

All they want Lucy to do is fill in
the answers.

See?

Well, uh, I guess it's all right.

Well, fine. Here are the questions,
Lucy,

and send the answers to that address,
huh?

Okay. I'll do it right away.

Well, I'd better be going.

I'm setting up a big television show
for you, Ricky.

Good!
I'll see you later.

All right. Oh, and Lucy,

Yeah.
Don't be afraid of it.

Put it down in your own words. Be
natural.

LUCY: I will. Okay.

Good-bye, Ross.

Bye.
All right, thank you.

Well, what kind of questions are
they?

Well, let's see now.

Question number one: "are you happily
married?"

Question number two: "Does Ricky
snore?"

Question number three:

"What kind of husbands do Latins
really make?"

(chuckling): Oh, this is gonna be
fun.

Yeah, yeah.

Ha, ha, ha.

Uh... listen, uh,

you, y-you sure you don't want me to
help you

with the answers?

No, no, no.

Now, I have to do this all by myself.

Now, you go away and leave me alone.

Go over there and sit down on the
chair

and read your paper.

Yeah, well.
Just leave me be.

(sighing)

Let's see now, first question.

"Are... you...
happily married?"

Had you worried for a minute there,
didn't I?

Yeah.

Question number two: "Does Ricky
snore?"

What's that, all that other stuff
you're writing there now?

I'm just answering the question about
snoring.

Yeah, but weren't the first two
letters, "n-o"?

They were "o-h."

"O-h"?

And the second word was
"b-r-o-t-h-e-r."

B-r-o-t-h...

What's all that other stuff you're
writing there now?

Just a few descriptive passages.

(snorting)

(sputtering)

(sputtering)

(gasping and wheezing)

(whistling)

(whistling)

(chattering)

(jabbering)

Now, just a minute.
Just a minute.

I want to see, I want to see what
you're writing.

No, no, no! Now just go away.
You can't see this.

Go back and sit down in your chair
and leave me alone.

Oh, all right. I'll go in the other
room.

All right.

Let's see now,

"What kind of husbands do Latins
really make?"

(door slamming)

How'd you know I was here?

I heard you breathing.

Now, go on back.
Go on, get out of here!

Now, I got a right to know what
you're writing there.

You have no right to see this

until it comes out in the magazine.

Now I mean it. Now go away and leave
me alone!

RICKY: I got a right to know what
you're hiding.

LUCY: You have no right to see it

and I'm supposed to do the...

Come back here, you two!
I'm supposed to do...

You go on and get out of here.

ETHEL: Hey, what's going on?

I'm supposed to write an article
about Ricky

all by myself and he won't let me
alone.

An article?

Yeah, it's for Photoplay magazine.

It's called "What it's like to be
married to Ricky Ricardo"

and I have a lot of questions I have
to answer.

Oh, boy, what an opportunity.

I wish I'd get a chance to write an
article like that.

Aah, who'd buy it-- True Horror
Stories?

Oh, you funny, funny woman.

All right, everybody,

I cannot create with a crowd around.

Now, look, Lucy, you listen to me...

Look, Ricky, I'll make a deal with
you.

If you'll go away and let me answer
these questions,

I promise I'll let you see them
before I send them in.

You promise?
I promise.

Come on, Ricky.
We'll take you

down to Will Wright's and buy you an
ice cream soda.

Now, Ethel, we're not going there
again today.

Yes, we are now, Fred.

They've got 24 flavors, and I've only
tasted 20.

Come on, Rick.

I'll need you to help me push her
through the door.

Take your time, everybody.

I want to do a good job on my first
big assignment.

Yeah, well, but just watch what, you
know...

Never mind now.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Oh, no, Ross. He just left.

You did?

Oh, that's wonderful.

Wait a minute now.
I'll write it down.

"TV, Coast To Coast.

Ricky's gonna emcee the Heart Fund."

Oh, gee, Ross, that's wonderful.

Say, I don't suppose they might need

a pretty girl to lead the guest stars
up to the microphone, huh?

Yeah, well, I happen to know a
redhead who...

Oh, they have.

Oh, well, okay.

Uh, say, Ross...

(laughing giddily)

I, uh, I just happened to have a
thought.

Ross, instead of my writing that
article for the magazine,

how about you getting someone to
interview me

and ask those questions about Ricky
on that program?

And that way, people all over America
could...

How's that?

Oh, well, all right.

I'll mail it into the magazine.

Okay. Yeah, I'll, I'll give it to him
the minute he comes in.

Ross? Ross, I don't know if I ever
told you,

but, you know, I play "Glowworm" on
the saxophone,

and I have sort of an act built
around it where I...

Ross? Ross? Oh, Ross?

Operator, you cut us off.

Oh, he did?

Okay, thanks.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

How's the article coming?

Fine. I'm all finished.

Good.
Hey, Ross called.

There's a message on the desk there.

Yeah?

Hey, this is great.

Television show Coast To Coast

for the Heart Fund, huh?

Yeah, Ross seemed pretty excited
about it.

Uh, Ricky?

Yeah.

About the television show, I have a
question for you.

Well, I'm pretty sure what it is

and I have an answer for you.

Well, I'm pretty sure what your
answer is

but let me ask it anyway.

All right.

Can I be on the show?

No.

Ten seconds.

That's the fastest we've ever done
it.

That's all you're gonna say?

You're not gonna get mad or anything?

Why should I get mad?

I get a sinkin' filling in my stomach

when you get that look in your face.

Oh, don't be silly.

Why should you get a "sinkin'
filling"?

After all, if you don't want me on
the show,

that's your business.

Well, I must say, you're very
understanding.

Hmm, sure, just forget I asked.

Good.

Now, would you like to see

my answers to these questions?

Yeah, I sure would.

Which set would you like to see?

Which set?

Yes, I made an alternate set.

These are about my dear, darling
husband

who's such a considerate angel,

and these are about the dirty rat

who won't let me be on the show.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, wouldn't I?

But that's blackmail!

Oh, come now, let's not call it that.

That's what it is.

I know, but let's not call it that.

Now, would you like to hear me read
these?

Never mind, never mind.

I know when I'm licked.

Then I can be on the show?

Yes.

Cuban Scout's honor?

Cuban Scout's honor.

Thank you, dear.

Now then, what will we do on the
Heart Fund benefit?

I have a few ideas. Listen...

Now, if you don't mind, uh,

I'll decide what we'll do on the
show, all right?

Well...

After all, blackmailers can't be
shoosers.

I just want to make sure

you "shoose" something that shows me
off.

You just don't worry about that, all
right?

You just mail this thing and leave
the rest up to me.

I'll take care of you.

That's what I'm afraid of.

No, no, really, I got something for
you to do.

Something good.

Scout's honor.

Well, okay.

(piano playing)

Skiddereatheroo

Hey!

Skiddereatheroo

Hey!

Shake hands with all your neighbors

And kiss the Colleens all

You're as welcome as the flowers in
May

In dear old Donegal.

Well, that's fine.

Great.

Yes, sir, that'll be great in the
show.

Hi, everybody.
Hi, honey. Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

What kept you?

Oh, honey, I had to wait for Mother
to get back

from the hairdresser's so she could
take care of the baby.

Oh, that's right.
But I'm here now.

Come on, let's rehearse.

Okay, let's see now.

Let me get your...

Here's your music.

Oh, boy! I get to sing, huh?

La da...

"Humoresque"?

I'm not the "humoresque" type.

Why don't you let me sing a song

that's more of my style, like...

Let me go, let me go

Let me go, lover

Let me go, let me go

Let me go, lover...

Wait. Hey, hey, hold on, lover.

Look, after hearing that,

I'm tempted to really let you go,
lover.

Oh, stop.

Now, this is a very cute bit.

It's kind of a musical trick.

See, we sing two songs at dif... the
same time.

Two songs at the same time?

That's right, but they work out
together all right.

Oh?

Fred, you know the bit, don't you?

Sure.
You to show it to her?

Yeah, I don't mind.
Let Fred do it for you,

then you can see what I mean.

You sing "Humoresque," and I'll sing
"Swanee River."

All right.

(piano plays)

One... two...

Way down upon Song of many joys,

The Swanee River My magic song of
sweet rejoice

Keep ringing Until night is gone

Far, far away.
My humoresque.

There's where my heart Let the music
play,

Is yearning ever And let the smiling
stars display their beauty

There's where the old folks stay.
In a gold arabesque.

Hey, that's wonderful!

I think I can do that.

You think so?
Yeah.

Okay. Here you are, honey.

Now, you sing "Humoresque" and I'll
sing "Swanee River."

(clearing throat): Yeah.

You ready?
Okay.

Give us a key there, Marco.

(piano plays)

Give you two.

One, two...

Way down upon Songs of many joys

The Swanee River My magic song of
sweet rejoicing keep ringing

Far, far away.
My humoresque.

There's...
There's where my heart is yearning
ever...

No, no.

What's the matter?

You started singing "Swanee River."

You got to stick to "Humoresque."

You switched.

Oh, I thought something sounded
funny.

Well, I know "Swanee River" so much
better.

Why don't you let me sing that.

Oh, sure, honey, here.

Okay.

You ready, Marco?
Give us a...

(piano plays)

One, two...

(off-key): Way, way, way, way, way...

Way

Way down upon the Swanee River...

Wait, hold on, wait a minute...

What's the matter?

Honey, you got to wait for me.

We got to do it together.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

(piano plays)

On two.

One, two...

Way down upon Song of many joys

The Swanee River My magic song of
sweet rejoicing keep ringing

Far, far, far, far away Until night
is gone, my humoresque.

There is where my heart

Is turning, turning, turning,
turning, turning

There is where the old folks stay.

You just can't do it.

You can't do it at all.

What do you mean I can't do it?

You said I could be in the show.

Well, honey, I'm sorry, but I tried.

You can't do this and I got the whole
show routine.

There's nothing for you to do.

Well, gi-give me something else to
do.

I'm sorry, honey.

The whole show is already a routine.

There is nothing that you can do.

Oh, isn't there?

It's a good thing I didn't mail this.

I guess I'll have to mail them my
revised copy after all.

I thought you tore that up.

What did you do, paste it together?

No. I just saved a carbon copy in
case of an emergency.

And this, my Latin lover, is an
emergency.

Uh, yeah, well, wute...
wait a minute.

On second thought, I think there is
something

in there that you can do.

Oh. What is it?

It's a Spanish dance number.

Spanish dance number.
I can do that.

Come on, let's rehearse it.

Well, uh, if you don't mind,

I would like to go to the mailbox

and drop the right answers in the box
first.

Okay.

Honestly, did you ever see anybody

stick to an idea like Lucy?

She's a regular human mustard
plaster.

Where did Ricky go?

Oh, he went down to the corner,

but he'll be back in a minute.

Oh, I just wanted to check with him
on this costume.

It's for the Spanish dance-- the
matador number.

I'll catch him later.

Just a minute.

Does somebody's head go in there?

Yeah.

Uh, this isn't by any chance a
Spanish dance

between a lady matador and a Cuban
bull, is it?

No, Ricky's the matador.

I don't know who he's got for the
bull.

Oh, brother! What'll Lucy do

when she finds out she's the bull?

She'll probably gore him.

I think I'd better warn her.

Now, Ethel, do me a favor and keep
your big bazoo shut.

Okay.

Yeah.

(laughing)

What's the matter?

Oh, boy, this is a switch.

For once, the bull will be full of
Lucy.

(laughing out loud)

Shh!

Well, we mailed it.

Let's get on with the rehearsal.

Uh, all right, now, here's how the
way

that the Spanish, uh, dance number
goes, you see.

Uh-huh.
I come out and I sing a few bars

and then you make your entrance.

Uh-huh.

Okay, now, you come from here,

and you come like this.

Like that?

Yeah, that's right. Like that.

Go on. Try it.

Try it.

No, no, no. No, honey.

Don't, don't snap your fingers, dear.

Well, I'm pretending I have castanets
in them.

Well, the part you play doesn't use
any castanets.

No castanets?

Do it again without the castanets.

Go ahead. Go on.

(clearing throat)

Are you sure this is right?

That's right.

I've seen very few Spanish dancers

in this position.

Well, honey, the song explains the
whole thing.

I'm not by any chance a senorita with
lumbago, am I?

No, no. Let me explain it to you,
honey. Look.

You see, at this part of the number,

I go back here and I take out a big
red cape.

And as you come on, I go, "Toro!
Toro!"

Toro?!

Yeah.

Isn't that Spanish for bull?

Yeah.

Ricky Ricardo, you tricked me!

Now, just a minute.

The bull is very important in this
number.

It's a very dramatic role.

Oh, sure.

It is, honey.

Now I'm out here, I'm doing this
number,

and when the bull comes in, you see,
you're just ferocious.

You're just fierce

and you're just stamping the ground

and you're pawing at it

and you're wild with rage.

Your only thought is to kill me.

You can say that again.

Well, look, honey, I have given you
your chance.

If you don't Oh.
want it...

Some chance.

Hey, Ricky.

Yeah.

The prop department wants to know

if this is all right,

or do you want them to make some
changes?

Yeah, this is fine.

It's silly of me to ask, but what is
that?

It's your costume.

My costume?

Yeah.

Oh, she going to wear this?

Well, I thought she was, but I guess
that...

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to wear it.

Well, good girl. Good girl.

Shall I tell the prop department it's
all right?

Well, now, let me see.

Yeah, I think it looks...

You know what I would like, though?

I would like a more ferocious, uh,
fierce look.

You know, like...

Let me see that again.

Could you come along and let them see
that expression?

I could never describe it.

Hey, I'm surprised, Lucy.

I didn't think you'd go through with
it.

Yeah, what made you change your mind?

Well, Ricky's right.

The bull is very important in this
number,

at least he will be, shall we say,

with a slight change of personality.

(trumpet fanfare playing)

(applause)

(upbeat music playing)

Shake hands with your Uncle Mike, me
lad

And kiss your Cousin Kate

She's the one you used to swing a-by
the garden gate

Shake hands with all the neighbors

And kiss the Colleens all

You're as welcome as the flowers in
May

In dear old Donegal

Yi-hee-hee Skiddereatheroo

Skiddereatheroo

Yi, yi, yi, yi

Yi, yi, doo

Shake hands with all the neighbors

And kiss the Colleens all

You're as welcome as the flowers in
May...

In dear... old... Donegal.

(song ends, but musical refrain
continues)

(applause)

(music stops)

(trumpet fanfare)

(waltz playing, applause)

I am Fernando the Matador

I fight the bulls as you see

I'm known far and near, face death
without fear

Fernando the Fearless, that's me

Ole! Ole! Ole!

Fernando the Fearless, that's me

Ole! Ole! Ole!

As fearless as fearless can be

Today I meet Toro the Terrible

He's mean and he's brave and he's
tall

A shiny black hide with a devil
inside

El Toro, the king of them all

Ole! Ole! Ole!

Fernando the Fearless, that's me

Ole! Ole! Ole!

As fearless as fearless can be

(trumpet fanfare)

(slow-tempo music playing)

The trumpets blare

Let the contest begin

The gates open wide

The bull rushes in

Toro!

Toro!

(brisk lively music playing)

The arena is hushed

There is no sound

He lowers his head

And paws at the ground

Toro!

Toro!

Toro!

Closer and closer

He lunges by

With a look of anger

And hate in his eyes

Toro!

The fight rages on

Beast against man

The blood will soon

Run red on the sand

El Toro is weary from my attack

To show who is master

I turn my back

(thump)

I take out my sword

The end is near

The moment for the kill is here

(cymbals clashing)

Toro!

(lively music playing)

(waltz playing)

(cymbals clashing)

(thump)

I am Fernando the Matador

I kill El Toro today

Ole!

(upbeat music playing)

(applause)

(finale playing)

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: Ross Elliott played
himself,

and the prop man was Ray Kellogg.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.