I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 4, Episode 11 - Lucy Learns to Drive - full transcript

Lucy insists in learning to drive the new car so she can help with the driving on the way to California. After one bad lesson, she tries teaching Ethel how to drive. Ethel ends up wrecking the car before it has insurance.

Oh...

Hi.

Oh, hi.

What you doing?

I'm just checking our
luggage for the trip.

This stuff will never
make it to California.

Did you ever see anything
that looked so awful?

Yeah, Fred.

What's the matter with him?

Oh, he just can't get over

that $400 he lost
buying that old car.



No kidding.

You ought to see him.

He just sits and stares
into space, glassy-eyed.

Well, for heaven's sake, I
know $400 is a lot of money,

but it's nothing to go
into a state of shock over.

Oh, you don't know Fred.

Once he actually
foamed at the mouth

when his penny got
stuck in a peanut machine.

Oh, not really.

I'm telling you, it took
two men and a crowbar

to get his hand out of the slot.

And you won't believe this.

I can't get him to eat anything.

Fred won't eat?



Oh, he is sick.

Gee, honey, there must
be something we can do

to snap him out of it.

Oh, I've tried everything.

You know his friend
that runs the garage

on the next block?

Joe? Joe.

Joe said he'd fix
up the whole car,

so it would run
and only charge $20

and even that didn't make
any impression on him.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Will you see what
you can do, Lucy?

Sure, I'll take a crack at him.

I don't know what I could do.

Well, I'll go get him.

You won't believe this
even when you see it.

Huh.

Hi, Fred, you old rascal you.

How's every little thing, huh?

Fred?

Oh, Fred.

Um, Fred, I made
an apple pie last night.

How would you like a big piece

with a big hunk of
cheese on it, huh?

Does that sound good, Fred?

Oh, boy, he's real gone.

Isn't that awful?

I'll go get the baby,
he'll notice him.

Okay.

Sit down, Fred.

We're going to go
see Uncle Fred, honey.

We're going to say
hello to Uncle Fred, huh?

There he is. There's Uncle Fred.

Say hi!

Say, "Hi, Uncle Fred." Say hi!

Hi, hi. Wave your hand at him.

Give him a kiss.
Give him a kiss.

Well, I give up.

What am I gonna do?

I don't know.

When he doesn't
notice the baby, ugh!

He's still warm.

Lucy, guess what!

Hi. Hi, Ethel, hi, Fred.

Lucy? Where's Lucy?

Uh, what-what is it? What is it?

I want her to hear. Lucy!

Yeah? Come here, honey!

What? I bought a new car.

A new one?!

A brand-new Pontiac.

A new Pontiac! Yeah.

You said you couldn't
afford a new car.

Yeah, I know, I know,
but I started thinking

about the long
trip and everything,

and I think it's a better
investment anyway.

Don't you think so, Fred?

Fred?

What's the matter with him?

He's in a state of shock.

It's that $400.

Oh.

Yeah, it was too much for him.

He's retired from reality.

He can't hear a word we say.

Well, that's too bad

because I got wonderful news.

What?

Well, I used Fred's old Cadillac

as a trade-in

so Fred will get
all his money back.

What's that?

I think we struck a nerve.

What's this about
getting my money back?

Well, welcome back
to the world, Fred!

Fred, I bought a
brand-new car, see?

And I, I used your
old car as a trade-in,

and the guy allowed
me $400 on it.

So, all I got to do
is give you the $400

and everybody's happy.

When do we see the car?

Uh, yeah, where is it?

When do we eat?

He's really recovered.

It's right down at
the curb right now.

Here? Well, come
on, let's go see it.

Oh, the baby. Come on, Fred.

Uh, honey, go get Mrs. Trumbull.

Ask her to come over
for a minute, will ya?

Okay, sure.

We'll see you downstairs.

Oh, no, you don't! Nobody's
gonna see that car before I do.

While we're waiting, how
about something to eat?

Now you waited two
whole days to eat,

you can wait a
few minutes longer.

Hurry up, Ricky!

Oh, Ricky, it's beautiful!

Isn't that dreamy?

Oh, what a pip!
Automatic transmission?

Naturally.

How much horsepower?

180. Oh, great.

Oh, Ethel, smell.

There's nothing like the
smell of a new car, huh?

Wait till you see
the motor, Fred.

I want to see it.

Look in here. Yeah.

Oh... Isn't that beautiful...

Oh! What are you trying to do?

What's the matter?

What's the matter with you?
You crazy or something?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry.

Come on, let's go for a ride.

No, no, no, we can't.

Why not? Because
we're not insured.

Oh. Well, you drove it home.

Yeah, I know, but
I shouldn't have.

I called the insurance man,
and he wasn't in the office.

I just couldn't wait any
longer to show it to you.

Come on, just once
around the block.

Yeah, Come on, Rick. just once.

All right, come on.

Just once. Just once.

Yeah, okay.

We're gonna ride all
the way to California!

Oh, isn't this great?

Oh, come on, honey,
hurry up, give me the keys!

Haven't you forgotten something?

What?

You don't know how to drive.

Oh.

Hey, Fred, there's
some difference in this

and that old relic you bought.

All right, all right.

We shouldn't be doing this.

Oh, well.

We'll go once around the block.

Yeah. Gee, I hope
somebody sees us.

Oh, to California,
sitting like this.

Yeah. Hey, we got a new car!

Look everybody,
we got a new car!

Hey, look!

Lucy.

Yeah?

Listen, honey, I got to
go down to the club...

What are you doing?

Oh, I can't take my eyes off it.

That is the most beautiful
car in the whole world.

It's pretty, isn't it?

Yeah. Take me for another ride.

No. We don't move
that car until it's insured.

Well, call the man again, go on.

All right.

You know, I called
him four times.

He didn't answer
any one of the times.

Maybe he's out of
town or something.

Ricky?

What?

When are you gonna
teach me to drive?

Uh, I got to go to the club.

Uh, I'm gonna take the... the
car and show it to the boys,

so I can't now. Well,
Good-bye, dear.

Now, honey, this is important.

If we're gonna
live in Los Angeles,

I have to know how to drive.

Lucy, please, they got
enough traffic problems

in Los Angeles already.

Now, honey, listen.

Suppose we're
driving across country.

We're in the
middle of the desert,

miles from anywhere,
and you get sick

and then Fred gets
sick, and Ethel can't drive

and there we are...

Miles from civilization.

It's hot, the sun is
pouring down, it's broiling.

We're thirsty, our
throats are parched.

Water! Water! Water!

Water...

Oh, oh, if I had only learned
to drive, I could save us all.

Water! Water! Wa-ater!

Are you getting my message?

No.

Well, then why
didn't you say so?

That hurt my throat.

Come on, Ricky, say that
you'll teach me to drive!

Nope.

You'll be sorry, I'm
gonna nag you about this.

I'm not gonna let you alone
a minute till you promise me...

Okay, okay, okay,
okay, I'll tich you.

Well... those are the
most beautiful words

I ever heard: "I'll tich you."

How come you gave in so quickly?

No, I didn't give up quickly.

I laid awake all
No? night last night,

trying to figure
a way out of this.

There is none.

When can I have
my driving lesson?

This afternoon?

Maybe.

Oh, well, I... you know, I
practically know how to drive.

I took a couple of
lessons in high school.

Well, things have
changed a little since then.

Oh, have they?

Come here.

Here's the name of the
man, his phone number

and the all the information
you got to give him.

Yeah. Now, If you can get

this guy on the phone
before I come back

from the club, I'll give
you a lesson this afternoon.

Oh, wonderful! Okay.

Good-bye. Good-bye, dear.

Oh, boy!

Hi, Ricky, how'd the
driving lesson go?

How'd it go, Ricky?

Es imposible.

Lo que paso es imposible.

No se le puede explicar a
nadie lo que paso hoy en el tunel.

IQue horror!

IQue barbaridad!

Si se lo dice a
alguien, no lo creen.

Where you going?

Huh?

Where you going?

Oh, uh... I'm
going to rehearsal.

Oh, aren't you
gonna take your car?

What was that?

Aren't you gonna take your car?

No, no. I may never drive again.

What's the matter with him?

Oh...

He got mad at me

while I was driving
through the Holland Tunnel.

Ricky let you drive
through the Holland Tunnel?

Well, he didn't mean to.

I got caught in
a stream of traffic

and I couldn't stop.

But you drove all the way
through the Holland Tunnel!

Halfway through.

What do you mean halfway?

Well, Ricky was
late for rehearsal

and I saw an opportunity to...

How was I supposed to know

there wasn't room
to make a U-turn?

You made a U-turn
in the Holland Tunnel?!

Oh, brother, that must
have been something.

Yeah. The policeman said
the cars were backed up

all the way to East
Orange, New Jersey.

I'll bet.

Where's the baby?

Oh, Mrs. Trumbull
took him to the zoo.

Oh, good.

You know, Ethel,

it was awful exciting
learning to drive, though.

You should have seen me.

I was just like a
real professional.

I hung my arm out
the window, you know.

Oh, boy, I envy you.

I always wanted Fred
to teach me how to drive,

but we never owned a car.

Well, you should
learn how to drive.

That way, we could take
turns driving across the country.

You think so?

Sure. This way, you're
just so much dead weight.

Well, maybe I'll
develop other talents

like folding up road maps

and keeping an eye
open for clean restrooms.

Oh...

Now, honey.

No, you really should
learn to drive, though.

You know who's gonna teach you?

Who? Me.

You? Yeah.

You just learned this morning.

Listen, I drove
for a whole hour.

Oh, pardon me, Barney Oldfield.

Come on, come on, I'll
show you how it goes.

Hey, wait! What?

Do you think we ought to drive
that without Ricky's permission?

Oh, we're not gonna drive it.

You just sit behind the wheel

and I'll show you
how things work.

Sort of a dry run, you know.

Okay.

Come on. Oh, listen,
when we get back upstairs,

remind me to call the man

about the insurance
for the car, will you?

You mean Ricky
let you drive this car

and it wasn't insured?!

Well, he sort of
thought it was insured.

He told me to call the
man, but I couldn't get him

and I didn't want to
miss my driving lesson.

Lucy!

Well, he didn't ask me!

Anyway, nothing happened.

There's no harm done. Get in.

All right.

Oh, gee, I never thought
this would happen to me.

Ooh! Oh, boy, I feel so sporty.

Now, what do I do?

Well, if you had
the key, you'd put...

Oh, oh, he left the key in here.

What do I do?

Just turn the key.

Uh-huh. Turn the key.

What was that?

Oh, well, nothing to
get frightened now.

That's just the motor.

Oh.

There, now see this
gidget here? Yeah.

Now, that's neutral,
then you put it in drive,

and then you put it in low.

See? Yeah.

Now, there's
nothing to it really,

Isn't that motor quiet, though?

It isn't even running.

Of course it's running.

No, it isn't.

Sure it is. Step on
the gas, you'll see.

Okay.

That it? Yeah.

Oh, Lucy!

Put the brake on!
Put the brake on!

Oh, Lucy!

What's the matter
with you, Ethel?

I told you not to
take it out of gear.

I don't know what a gear is.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Oh, our beautiful car!

Oh, Ethel, look at that grill!

Oh, and it's all my fault.

Oh, no, it's my fault.

I wanted to teach you to drive.

What are we gonna do?

Let's hop in the car
and head for the border.

No, we got to get
these cars apart.

And then what?

Well, mayeb I can take the
Pontiac down to the garage

and get it fixed before
Ricky comes home.

Come on, jump up on here.

Jump up on here?

Yeah, and bounce up and down.

You up there? Yeah.

All right. Now jump up and down.

What are we doing this for?

I don't know.

Whenever two cars get
stuck together, the men do it.

Oh.

Well, it isn't doing any good.

No, I guess not.

I guess we'll have to
drive both cars to California.

Hey, are the keys
in the Cadillac?

Yeah, They're under the seat.

The man's gonna
pick it up today.

Oh, here they are.

What are you gonna do?

Listen, do you think

if I drove this car to the
garage, that one would follow?

Do you know how to drive this?

Oh, sure. I learned to
drive in a car like this.

This is the gear shift
and this is the brake

and this is the clutch.

Or is this the brake
and this the clutch?

Don't you know?

Well, I'll find out as soon
as I get going, you know.

How?

Well, if I step on the brake,

and it doesn't stop,
it was the clutch.

Let's go.

Okay.

Oh, hey, wait a minute.

You got to stay here.

Stay here?

Yeah, and stall everybody off.

Wh-Wh-What'll I do?

Look. Where's Fred?

He's downtown.

Look, if Fred comes back,

you tell him that the
man came for the Cadillac

and that Ricky has
the Pontiac downtown.

If the man comes
for the Cadillac,

you tell him that Fred has it
out for one last farewell spin.

If Ricky comes home,

you tell him the man
came for the Cadillac

and Fred took the Pontiac
downtown to have it washed.

Okay?

No, you stay here
and tell that story.

I'll drive the car
to the garage.

No, you can't do that.

You haven't even soloed yet.

Oh. Well, I hope you
know what you're doing.

Oh, I hope so,
too. Wish me luck.

Good luck. Okay.

Ah.

Take it easy now.

Yeah, I will.

Be careful.

Yeah. Have I got it?

Yeah, it's coming.

Okay.

Lucy!

What happened?

You won't believe it.

Listen, when you left here,

weren't you driving that
car and wasn't this car

hooked onto the
back of that car?

Well, how did, how
did that car get hooked

onto the back of this car?

It was the most horrible
experience of my life.

And I've had some pretty
horrible experiences.

I'll bet, Ethel,

if I skipped my
next henna rinse,

I'd find my hair is snow white.

Well, tell me what happened.

Well, I went to down to the
garage to ask the mechanic

how much it would
cost to fix the Pontiac.

He said it might be
as much as $150.

Why $150?

Oh, I don't know.
Something's out of line

in the front of the Pontiac.

So, I didn't have
that much money,

so I just decided to
drive the cars back here,

park them in front
of the apartment

and just tell Ricky I didn't
know how any of it happened.

Well, how did the Cadillac get
hooked onto the back of the...

Yeah, I'm coming to that.

You know that underpass
by Grand Central Station?

Yeah.

Well, I was driving on
the downhill side of it

and a car started to pass me

and it was a new
Pontiac just like our car

and the driver was
coming awful close

so I turned to give
him a dirty look...

and no one was driving.

No one was driving?

So I looked back at
our car and it was gone.

It came unhooked, and then what?

Well, it passed me
at the bottom of the hill

and I didn't know what
to do, so I stopped,

and the Pontiac kept
on going up the hill

and it didn't quite
make it to the top.

It didn't?

Not much, it didn't.

It started rolling backwards
and crashed right into me.

You're right, I
don't believe it.

I wouldn't have
believed it either

if it hadn't happened to me.

What are you gonna say to Ricky?

How about good-bye?

No, Ethel, our only chance is
to pretend complete innocence.

Oh, we'll never
get away with it.

Well, we'd better get away
with it, or Ricky and Fred

will be planting their
footprints somewhere

and it won't be Grauman's
Chinese Theatre.

Ethel, I wonder how
those two cars got that way.

What cars?

Here they come. Here they come.

Now, remember, they're
gonna scream and yell at us,

but we just have to
pretend we don't know

what they're talking about.

Just, just act nonchalant.

Oh, hi, fellas.

Hi, fellas. What's new?

How are things down
at the club, dear?

Say something.

Don't just stare at me!

I don't know anything
about those cars!

Aha.

So, it was you.

Us.

Look, Lucy, I am
trying awfully hard

to control my temper,

because this time I
am afraid to lose it.

Yeah, well, look, I
can explain everything.

I wasn't driving the car.

I was just showing
Ethel how things work

and you left the key

and I just showed her
how to turn it on the motor

and all of a sudden,
the Pontiac jumped up

and rammed the Cadillac

and we tried to get the
cars apart and we couldn't.

And so then I drove
the cars to the garage.

I was gonna get the Pontiac
fixed before you came home

and, and well, I
went down a hill

and a car started to pass me

and I stopped and the
car went on up the hill

and, and it didn't
quite get up to the top

and then it came back downhill
and crashed right into me

and I drove the cars home.

That's all there is to it.

What's so funny?

It's so ridiculous.

This could only happen to Lucy.

Yeah, yeah, just to me.

Stupid old me.

How can you laugh?!

What do you think
it's gonna cost us

to have those cars fixed?

Oh, don't worry about
that, Fred, I'm insured.

We've lost Lucy.

What's the matter with her?

Well, she didn't call the man.

Ricky isn't insured.

Well, we've lost him, too.

Don't worry, Fred.

You don't think I was
gonna be so stupid

as to let Lucy do it?

I called the
insurance man myself.

You did?

Well, we got him back.

Now, as far as you are
concerned, young lady...

Lucy?

I don't think you're
getting through to her.

Lucy!

Maybe she's afraid to come back.

Tell her you won't
do anything to her.

Lucy, I won't do
anything to you.

Lucy, I said I wasn't
gonna do anything to you.

All right, all right,
cross my heart.

Hi.

But I didn't promise you

that I wasn't gonna tell
you what I think about you.

Oh. Oh, you're just
gonna tell me, huh?

Yeah.

Pero no-no-no se donde empezar.

Oh.

¿Que te pasa?

¿Se te perdio el sentido?

¿Que tu tienes en la cabeza?

¿No tienes nada
metido en la cabeza?

¿Esta la cabeza muerta?

¿No tienes nada
aqui completamente?

Un dia te voy a coger
como si fueras un pollito

y te voy a coger por pescuezito

y voy a poner
aqui los dedos y...

I Love Lucy is a
Desilu Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next
week at this same time.