I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 5 - Baby Pictures - full transcript

Lucy and Ricky agree that they will not be the kind of parents that force everyone to look at their baby pictures. They find it hard to do when their friends the Applebys come over bragging about their son Little Stevie.

(I Love Lucy theme music plays)

Hi, dear.

I picked up the baby pictures.

Oh, let me see, let me see.

Wait a minute.
Let go.

Honey, I haven't seen them either.

Oh, honey, I don't want you to see
them before I do.

Honey, we'll look at them together.

Well, all right.

Gee, I can hardly wait to see what
they look like

after all we went through taking
them.



What do you mean "we went through"?

I took them, remember.

Oh, sure, but I was the one that had
to stand on my head

to make Little Ricky laugh.

Oh, honey, they gave you the wrong
pictures.

This is a picture of twins.

But they're both Little Ricky.

How did you manage that?

Oh, it's double exposure.

It can happen to anybody.

Oh.

There's only one of him in that shot.

Yeah, but that's so blurry.

You take wonderful x-rays, dear.



Well, I can't help it if he moved.

Oh, look.

Isn't that great?

Hey, I'm a pretty good photographer
after all.

Oh, I'll say you are.

Oh, here's another wonderful one.

Oh, gosh!

Oh, these pictures are good enough

to be on the cover of a magazine.

What magazine, Body Beautiful?

Oh.

Well, even professional photographers
are entitled

to a boo-boo now and then.

Oh, these pictures are much better

than any pictures the Applebys ever
took of their baby.

Well, we have an advantage over the
Applebys.

Our baby's handsome.

Yeah.
Oh!

Wait till they come over tonight

and I show them what real baby
pictures look like.

Wha-bup-bup-bup-bup--

What's this about who coming over
tonight?

Oh, didn't I tell you, dear?

No, you didn't tell me, dear.

Well, uh, Caroline and Charlie
Appleby

are coming over tonight.

Oh, no, they're not.

My house is in no shape for company.

You just call them right up,

Look, honey...
tell them we can't see them tonight.

Charlie wants to talk to me

about a television show,

so I asked him to come over

and he's going to be here at 8:00.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Wait till he pulls the pictures of
his baby out

and I let him have it with these.

(chuckles)

What are you doing?

We're not showing those pictures to
anyone.

Why?

Because of a vow that you and I made.

Vow?

Yes, before we had a baby,

do you remember how bored we always
were

when other people dragged out
pictures of their little darlings

and insisted that we look at them?

Yeah.

And do you remember that we promised
each other

that if we ever had a child

that we wouldn't inflict his pictures
on other people.

I know, honey,

but Little Ricky's not like any
ordinary baby.

I mean, he's so cute

that people want to see his pictures.

Yeah, I know.

Well...

No, now, that's what all parents
think.

Now, we promised, Ricky.

Okay, but I'm not going to be very
happy

when Charlie starts bragging about
his little brat.

Well, so long as we're not boring
people

with pictures of our kid...

Charlie wants you to do a television
show?!

Well, that's certainly a delayed
reaction.

What kind of a show?
When is it going to be?

Who's going to be in it?

Variety, next Thursday, and not you.

Now, Ricky, please.

Look, honey, look...

I'm only the master of ceremonies.

I don't hire the talent,

I have nothing to do with the talent,

so there's nothing I can do for you.

But if you did and you were, would
you?

But I don't, and I'm not.

But if you did, and you were, would
you?

If I did, and I were, I would.

Well, now I don't know what we said.

But I guess as long as you're not,

it doesn't matter.

That's the sensible way to look at
it.

Now, honey, remember we're not
showing those pictures

to anybody tonight.

Okay, okay.

Isn't he cute?

Oh, these are wonderful pictures,
Ricky.

How about that one, eh?

Yeah, I like this one

where he's got the baseball cap on.

He's a cutie, all right.

Hey, that's a pretty good idea for a
picture,

putting a baseball cap on him.

Yeah, I'll say it is.

I thought of that.

Very clever.

Look at this one here.

Oh, he took a picture

of the doll we gave him.

That's his favorite doll.

And Lucy's embroidered his name

on his little suit.

Yeah, Ricky, Jr.

Ricky, what are you doing with those
pictures?

He was showing them to us.

You promised not to show them to
anybody.

Well, the Mertzes aren't anybody.

Well! Thanks a lot.

I didn't mean that.

Lucy made me promise that I wasn't
going to bore people

with the pictures of the baby.

Well, he's certainly not boring us.

We're his godmother and godfather.

Sure, they're the kid's godfolks.

Yeah, watch it, will you?

Well, maybe it's all right for you,
but nobody else, remember.

You mean you're not going to show
them to the Applebys?

That's right.

Oh, come on.
Oh, come on.

Now, somebody has to take them down a
peg.

That's right.

Yeah.

Nope.

Oh, now, that's all they talk about.

The way they act, you'd think they
invented babies.

Exactly, and we don't want to be like
the Applebys.

(doorbell buzzes)

There they are, honey.

Hello.
Hi, Lucy.

The Applebys.
Hi, Caroline.

How are you?

Give me your coat.

Hi, Fred, Ethel.

Gee, I'm sorry we're late,

but just as we walked out the door
tonight,

guess what little Stevie did.

Oh, yeah, it was the cutest thing

you ever saw.
Tell them, honey.

Now, mind you, he's only 13 months
old.

CAROLINE: Well, just as we were
walking out the door,

he looked up at us,

raised his little hand and said,
"bye-bye."

"Bye-bye"?

All by himself, bye-bye.

How about that, huh?

Bye-bye.

Yeah, how about that?

All by himself.

And only 13 months old, gee.

Oh, that certainly is amazing.

Is that a new dress you have on,
Caroline?

This old rag?

Yes.

Oh, goodness, no.

Let me see, What else did I want

to tell you about little Stevie
darling?

Um... um...

Uh, Charlie, how's everything down at
the television station?

Oh, great, Rick, just great.

We've got the newest

moving pictures in town.

You know, I bought a block of films
yesterday,

and I want to tell you

that they're going to make television
stars

out of some of the actors.

No kidding.
Yes, sir.

Now, just remember their names--

Conway Turrell and Mabel Norman.

Yeah, well, we'll catch them.

We never...
we always watch

your television station.

Well, that's what makes a station
popular--

good pictures.

(gasps): Good pictures!

Oh, we've got some new pictures of
Stevie.

Do you want to see them?

They're right here.
They're just marvelous.

You know, Charlie took them the other
day

on his first birthday.

Look at this one--

he's trying to blow out the candle.

(lame chuckle)

CAROLINE: Aw...

Oh, cute.

CHARLIE: Look at the little dickens.

He put his hand in the cake.

I tell you,

that little Stevie's a natural-born
comic.

Natural-born.

CAROLINE: Oh! Oh, this one...

this one is the best one of all.

The hat one.

Oh, Charlie thought of the cutest
idea.

Well, you know, he's just a genius

about these things anyway.

Do you know what he did?

He put a baseball cap

on little Stevie.

Isn't that priceless?

Yeah, priceless.

Ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

(chuckles)

It isn't because he's my child, Rick,

but I ask you, did you ever see

a baby who took a better picture?

Did I, honey?

No, you didn't.

I didn't.

You know, from the moment he was born

little Stevie was perfectly shaped...

absolutely handsome.

That's right.

You know how most babies are--

all red and pinched and
funny-looking.

Yeah. Say, how is Little Ricky,
anyway?

ALL: What?

Lucy, Charlie didn't mean

that Little Ricky was all red and
pinched and funny-looking.

He outgrew that, didn't he?

Now, you want to see a picture of a
baby, look at this.

Now, there's a baby!

RICKY: Look at those eyes.

Lucy!

Oh, I was just on my way over to your
place.

Here's some money for the cleaning.

Will you pay the man when he comes?

Sure, where are you going?

Oh, I just thought I'd drop by

and see Caroline Appleby.

Caroline Appleby?

I thought you were mad at her last
night.

I was and I still am.

Well, then why are you going over
there?

I just decided to take Little Ricky
over there

and show her what a cute baby really
looks like.

Oh, Lucy, honestly.

Well, I don't care.

Little Ricky's twice as handsome

as that scrawny little runt of
theirs.

Of course he's handsomer than their
child,

but you'll have to admit

some of their pictures were kind of
cute.

One more remark like that

and you can turn in your godmother
suit.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Little Ricky's wearing his brand-new
outfit,

but I don't suppose that interests
you.

Oh, isn't he precious?

As precious as little Stevie Appleby?

He's ten times preciouser

than that silly-looking little goon.

You may kiss your reinstated
godmother.

Oh, thank you.

Put on your little hatsy.

Lucy, aren't you being kind of mean

dropping in on Caroline unannounced

with Little Ricky

all dressed up like that?

Yeah.

Oh, I see.

I guess all's fair

in love and motherhood.

That's right, here we go.

Byesie-byesie.

Bye-bye, honey.

Say bye-bye, Ricky.

Bye-bye, darling.

Say bye-bye.
Say bye-bye.

(doorbell buzzes)

Who is it?

Lucy Ricardo.

Lucy...

Oh, Lucy, how nice of you to drop by.

Uh... come on up.

(knock at door)

Come in.

Oh, hello, Caroline.

Why, Lucy, you've got Ricky with you.

Yes, I hope we haven't come at an
inopportune time.

Oh, no, I was just sitting here
relaxing.

Oh.

Uh...

Oh, Lucy,

you'll just have to forgive the mess
the apartment's in.

I just haven't had a chance

to do a thing this morning.

Well, that's all right.

I hope we haven't come at the wrong
time for little Stevie.

He isn't sleeping or all dirty or
something, is he?

No, no, he's all dressed up.

As a matter of fact, I was just
waiting

for his grandmother to come for him.

Oh.

I'll go get him.

Oh, all right.

Take your coat off, baby.

Take your coat off, come on now.

There we go.

Now, you wait for little Stevie.

You wait for little Stevie.

Here we are.

Now...

say hello to Little Ricky, Stevie.

Say hello, Stevie.

There.
Say hello.

Say hello.

Oh, little sweetie.

Uh, my, Stevie's grown a lot since I
last saw him.

Oh, yeah, he's really shooting up.

Oh, yes, when do you think he'll
reach normal size?

He's exactly the size he's supposed
to be.

He just seems small to you

'cause you're so used to looking at
little fatty here.

Fatty?

Oh, yes.

I just love chubby, puffy little
boys.

Oh, Ricky, you're going to have to go
on a diet

or you'll grow up to look like your
mommy.

What's new, Caroline?

Well...

Oh, say, what if I take the children

and put them outside in Stevie's
playpen?

Then they can get acquainted.

Well, all right.

All righty.

There.

There you are.

Now, you be good little boys.

Oh!

Now, what were we saying?

Oh, yes, you were just asking me
what's new.

Yes.

Well, I hate to sound like the doting
mother,

but what do you think little Stevie
did today?

Don't tell me he took a picture of
you for a change.

No, he put two words together for the
first time.

Not until today?

Oh, don't tell me

that Little Ricky has ever put two
words together.

Why, certainly, dear.

I don't mean da-da.

Of course not.

Has he ever said, "Morning, Mommy"?

In English or Spanish?

He speaks Spanish?

Only when he's mad.

Well, Lucy, it certainly was chummy
of you

to drop by like this today.

How long must you stay?

Well, I hate to rush off like this,

but I really must.

Oh, that is a smart suit you're
wearing.

Oh, do you like it?

You know I always have.

I'd like my baby, please.

Where do you keep your child's cage?

Well!

I just hope that little glutton of
yours

hasn't taught my Stevie any bad
habits.

That goes double.

My little Stevie doesn't have any bad
habits.

I hope he doesn't copy any of his
good habits

like scratching himself or peeling
bananas with his feet.

Thanks for a lovely time.

You're welcome.

So I said, "Well, I hope Little Ricky
doesn't copy

"any of his good habits like
scratching himself

or peeling bananas with his feet,"
and we left.

Oh, Lucy, what's this going to do

to Ricky's TV show tomorrow?

Charlie will probably cancel the
whole thing.

Oh, Ricky's going to be furious.

I know, but I couldn't help it.

I felt like a mother bear defending
her cub.

Well, when you tell him,

I'd hate to be in your shoes.

It's not my shoes I'm worried about.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Ethel.

Hi.
Hi.

Ethel, I come over to tell you

I'm going to the market to get a
chicken.

A chicken?

I got one in the oven.

(gasps)

Oh, I forgot all about it!

Never mind, it's too late.

Is it very burned?

Well, if we had three and 20 more,

we could bake them in a pie.

Oh, dear.

Hey, I was just telling Fred

about rehearsal for the television
show.

It was wonderful.
It's going to be

a great show tomorrow night.

Oh?

Oh. Uh-oh.

Well, come on, Fred.
Let's go.

Well, what's your rush?

Well, we got get to the market

and get a chicken right now.
Oh, all right, all right.

Oh, those two.

Uh... Ricky?

Yes, honey.

Uh, I was just thinking

about your television show for
Charlie Appleby.

I don't think that's a very good
thing for you.

Not a good thing for me?

Why, it's my big chance to get in my
own television show.

Well, what do you want with that?

Television isn't going to last.

It's just a fad.

A fad?

Yeah, like flagpole-sitting or
swallowing goldfish.

Lucy, what are you talking about?

Well, besides, Charlie's...

Charlie's station doesn't come in
clear.

You get all distorted.

What?

Yeah, you look all funny like this.

Babalu, babalu, babalu, ay-aye.

Lucy, what are you up to?

Nothing, but I just don't want you
disappointed

if television turns out to be a big
flop.

Well, honey, thank you very much,

but I'll take my chances.

Oh.

I think I'll call Caroline

and see what she's doing tomorrow
night.

Okay.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hello, Charlie?

Oh, Charlie, this is Lucy...

Lucy Ricardo.

Oh, fine, thanks.

Is Caroline th...?

What?

Oh, Charlie, that's terrible.

The cameraman?

Mumps?!

Oh, for heaven's sake.

And the studio's going to be
quarantined?

And you won't be able to make any
shows there

for a couple of weeks, huh?

Oh, well, I'll tell Ricky...

(telephone rings)
I'll...

I'll tell Ricky...

(telephone rings)

Well...

(telephone rings)

Hello.

Oh, hello, Charlie, this is Ricky.

Charlie, I don't...

But Charlie, I...

but...

but...

Charlie, Ch...
Don't hang up, Charlie.

I'll explain.

That was Charlie.

Charlie who?

You know Charlie who.

What did you say to Caroline?

Caroline who?
Oh, Charlie who's wife?

Yeah.

And I don't get the job.

Well, that's show business.

You know, there's no business like
show business.

Yesterday, they told you you will not
go far.

Tomorrow, on your dressing room, they
hang a star?

Lucy, what did you say to Caroline?

Nothing. Nothing that should upset
her.

I just said that little Stevie

was scrawny and little and looked
like a monkey.

Oh, is that all?

Yeah.

What did you say that for?!

What did you say that for?!

What did you have to go over there
for?

Why don't you stay here where you
belong?

What are you trying to do to me?

Well?

I'm still working on what'd I say
that for?

Uno de estos dias te voy a...

(makes cracking sound)

You wouldn't dare.

Okay, now, you started this,

so you're going to finish it.

Well, what'll I have to do?

You're going to get me

back on that television show.

How?

I don't know how,

but if you dun't, All right.

I'll, I'll...
I will, I will, Ricky.

I'll get you back on the show.

Don't even think of what you'll do if
I "dun't."

Ahora, i??que va!

If you're romantic, chum

Pack up your thoughts and come to
Acapulco

You put your cares in hock

And throw away your clock in Acapulco

Where you can be as lazy

As a daisy drifting in a blue lagoon

You're wide awake at night

Because you do your dreaming in the
afternoon.

You'll get a Latin glow way down in
Mexico

Below the border

And in a spot like this, if you
refuse a kiss

You're out of order

And when the moon is new, it's like a
honeydew

Come on and get yourself a slice

And if you can't say Acapulco

Then you can call it paradise.

Yeah!

Look out, look out, look out.

You'll need some new huaraches

When the mariachis start to play
there

And after you depart

You know your crazy heart may want to
stay there

And if the moon is new, it's like a
honeydew

Come on and get yourself a slice

And if you can't say Acapulco

Then you can call it paradise

And if I haven't sold you with the
things I've told you

Then I must repeat it twice

That if you can't say Acapulco

Then you can call it paradise.

(applause)

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

And now I have a surprise for you.

You know, most performers don't like

to have babies with them in their
show

because they say that the babies
always steal all the scenes.

But my wife found such a cute baby
today,

such an adorable child with such
great personality,

so beautiful, so intelligent,

that she insisted that I put this
child on the show tonight.

So now, ladies and gentlemen,

it is my pleasure to introduce to you

my wife, Lucy, with her idea of the
most beautiful baby

in the whole wide world.

And here they are--

Lucy and little Stevie Appleby.

(I Love Lucy theme music plays)

ANNOUNCER: Caroline was played by
Doris Singleton,

and Charlie by Hy Averback.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.

This is the CBS television network.