I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 4 - Equal Rights - full transcript

Lucy and Ethel demand to be treated as if they were men, so Ricky and Fred do just that.

(I Love Lucy theme music plays)

Those things were always happening to
us.

Oh, you characters.

So anyhow, we went down to Miami

and asked the real estate man

to show us our lot.

He pointed out in the bay

and he said, "You see that row boat?

It's anchored on your lot."

(laughs)

We thought we were going to be
millionaires.



Ah, here's Lucy.

Well, it's about time.

Let's go.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not ready yet.

Well, honey, Mrs. Trumbull is with
Little Ricky.

Let's go.
Honey, it'll only be a minute.

My nails aren't dry.

But I'm hungry.

Come on now, sit down.

Tell another story, Fred.

Oh, well, all right.

Rick, did I ever tell you

what happened to Ethel and me on our
honeymoon?

Not lately.



Oh!

Did I tell you, Lucy?

Yes.

I was there.

Oh, I forgot.

Hey, you know, speaking of funny
things that happen to people,

Lucy, you remember the musicians'
picnic last Fourth of July?

Oh, what a day that was.

What happened?

Oh, well...

I'll tell it, dear.

Oh, okay.

The, uh, the musicians' local was
having a picnic, see...

it was for charity.
You know, you paid so much money

and half of it went for charity

and half of it went for the picnic.

That's right.

And all the boys in the band

wanted to go,

so Marco and Alberto and Pepin

and Joe and Ralph--

everybody was going down there.

So we left about 10:00...

It was 12:00.

No, dear, it was 10:00.

No, honey, it was 12:00.

Well, what's the difference?

Two hours.

I mean to the story.

It doesn't make any difference.

Yes, it does, dear.

That's the reason we were late.

That's why...

Well, it's your story, go ahead.

Thank you.

Well, we got to the picnic grounds...

Don't forget about the cars.

What was that?

I said don't forget about the cars,
dear.

Oh, the cars.
Yeah, that's right.

We took three cars.

Lucy and I were in the first car,

Pepin was in the second car

and Marco was in the last car.

Oh, honey, you're ruining everything.

Would you like to tell the story?

No, dear, you're the storyteller in
the family,

but I just want you to get it right.

Now, Pepin was in the first car,

Marco was in the second and we were
in the last.

Maybe Pepin was in the first car,

and you were in the second

and Marco was in the third.

Fred.

Well, it was the only combination
left.

Okay, I take it all back.

We all took the same bus.

Coward.

Anyway...

we got to the picnic grounds about
2:00.

Don't look at me.

I'm not going to say anything more.

Good.

I'm not going to tell you what you
left out.

Anyway, we got to the picnic grounds
about...

um... what did I leave out?

Nothing, go on with the story.

Well, it feels like there's something

missing there someplace.

You sure?

Positive.

All right, well, we spread the food
out

and it started to rain.

Oh, it poured.

So we took everything and we ran to
the cars

and then when we got there...

Yeah, yeah, what happened?

What's the matter, Ricky?

What did I leave out?

Nothing, I was just kidding you.

Now go on.

Well, I'm telling you, it feels like
there's

something missing there someplace.

Oh, what's the difference?

Go on and finish it.

Well...

Oh, the heck with it.

It's not funny anymore.

Come on, let's go and have dinner.

Well, all right.
My nails are dry now.

Let's go to that place on 45th
Street.

Oh, I hear they have wonderful
steaks.

Well, I don't particularly feel like
a steak.

Steak sounds wonderful.
We'll go there.

Now, wait just a minute, Lucy.

What's the matter?

Well, I just had about enough of
this.

First you keep everybody waiting

while you're fixing your nails.

Then-then you keep interrupting me

while I'm telling the story,

and now you decide all by yourself

where we're going to eat dinner

because you want a steak.

Well, Ricky, I...

Well, I don't feel like eating steak
tonight.

I want to eat spaghetti tonight.

Well, maybe...

So we're going to eat spaghetti.

Yes, sir.

And the next time that I tell a
story,

you stay out of it.

Yes, sir.

And be on time from now on, or we're
going to go without you.

Yes, sir.

We're going to run this house like we
do in Cuba,

where the man is the master

and the woman does what she's told.

Si, senor.

And don't get smart.

Now go get your coat.

Oh, yeah?!

Attagirl, Lucy.

I was wondering what happened to you.

It just sunk in.

I don't know how you treat your women
in Cuba,

but this is the United States,

and I have my rights.

I am not arguing about women's
rights.

I am the first one to agree

that women should have all the rights
they want

as long as they stay in their place.

That's telling her.

Oh, you're just as bad as he is,
Fred.

You men tell us that we have equal
rights,

but you certainly don't give us a
chance

to act like it.

What do you want?

You've got the vote, you wear pants,

you drive buses, you wrestle.

You go every place you please

except the steam room in the Y.M.C.A.

That isn't true.

Equal rights means just what it
says--

equal rights.

Well, that's a good explanation.

Oh, you know what she means.

Yes, and we want to be treated that
way.

From now on, everything is equal.

We want to be treated exactly as if
we were men.

Well, this calls for a little
conference.

Pardon me, mister.

Okay.

From now on you have equal rights.

We will treat you

exactly as if you were men.

Is it a deal?

It's a deal.

What about you, mac?

It's a deal.

Let's get our coats, Lucy.

Listen, what did you say

about this plumber that you...

I phoned him this morning.

He's coming out this afternoon...

Ricky, that's my coat.

I know that's your coat, honey.

This is my coat over here.

...up this afternoon, checked
everything in the house.

Oh, come on, let's put them on
ourselves.

(all talking at once)

Say, I was going to say

when you came in the room,

You like it?
that suit is just beautiful.

Oh, I'm crazy about it.

Thank you.

One of the prettiest ones I ever saw.

Oh!

Pardon me, mister, my fault.

You know this fellow looks familiar
to me.

Reminds me of my father.

This way, please.

Thank you.

The least you could do

is pull out my chair for me.

Never mind, Ethel.
They're just being smart.

Ignore them.

Honey, what are you talking about?

We're just treating you as equals.

Yeah, isn't that what you wanted?

Oh.

May I take your order?

Yes, I think...

I'd like some meatballs,

spaghetti, and some pizza.

Now, what would you like?

Bring me some meatballs

and spaghetti and pizza.

And a little green salad.

Green salad, yes.

Now what would you like?

And some coffee with my meal, please?

Me, too.

Now what will you have?

Are you sure you're quite through?

Yes, dear, go ahead and order.

Don't keep the man waiting.

Uh, I would like...

Oh, dear, now I forgot what I wanted,

you took so long ordering.

Oh, yes, I'd like a steak, medium
rare

and spaghetti on the side.

Certainly, and you?

I'll take the same, well done.

Well done-- thank you.

Oh, I dropped my purse, dear.

Can you see it there?

Yep.

It's right there by my foot.

Uh, would you excuse us a minute?

We'll be right back.

Where you going?

Oh, we're just going to the
drugstore.

We'll be back before the food gets
here.

Fred...

Oh, boy, that was a great meal.

Wasn't that wonderful?

We ought to come back here more
often.

Yes, sir.

Cigarette?

Thank you.

Light?

Thank you.

At least two of us are gentlemen.

How do I look?

Uh, we could both stand a repair job.

Oh, you look all right.

Um, how do I look, Fred?

Pretty bad.

I guess we could stand a repair job,
too.

Always kidding.

(whirring)

Ricky, Ricky!

Oh, now, Fred!

Fred!

This is a terrible thing...

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Oh, fellas, we get your message.

All right, okay.

Oh, now, Ricky, really.

All right.
Equal rights, dear.

Equal rights, equal rights.
All right.

We get your point, we get your point.

You win.

Oh, really, boys.

Oh, no.

Well, I've seen everything now.

All right, let's get the check

and get out of here.

Okay.

Uh... Xavier?

Yes, sir?

Something more for you--

more coffee, dessert...

after-shave lotion?

(laughs heartily)

Just the check, please.

He has a sense of humor.

Pardon me a minute.

LUCY: Honestly, it's getting so you
can expect anything

from these two goofs we're married
to.

ETHEL: That's the first time Fred's
shaved in a week.

FRED: You should've seen the look on
your faces.

Oh, that was a good meal.

Uh-huh.
It really was.

You two.

Thank you, sir.

Characters.

What's this?

Separate checks.

What do you mean, separate checks?

Equal rights, dear.

Fred, aren't you going to pay for my
dinner?

And take away your independence?
Never.

All right, Ethel, we can go along
with the gag.

I'll say. If you want to play it that
way, okay...

Say, Lucy, have you got any...
I don't have any...

What'd you say?

Do you have any money?

I haven't got a cent.

I was going to put the bite on you.

You took the bite right out of my
mouth.

This is a little embarrassing, Rick.

I didn't know we came to dinner

with a couple of deadbeats.

Well, you never can tell, Fred.

Looks like.

See you along...
see you around, gir... fellas.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Come here now, Ricky.

Oh, Fred, now wait a minute.

That's carrying it a little too far.

Ricky, Ricky, come here.

Pardon me.

What are you trying to do--

skip out without paying?

Well, our husbands were playing

a little joke on us.

They said we were going to have to
pay

for our dinner.
Yes.

But we don't have any money with us.

Isn't that funny?

Well, we'll go home

and come right back with the money.

We'll bring it right back to you.

Well, what do you want us to do?

(chuckles)

You know what this is?

It's a dish.

Right.

And we have lots more in the kitchen.

People have been eating off them.

They get so dirty.

Just a minute!

We're not washing any dishes.

We're not washing any dishes, are we?

Uh-huh.
Well, now, look, Xavier,

don't tell them that I called.

See, but as soon as they finish
washing the dishes,

you call me and we'll come down and
pick them up.

Okay, all right.

(chuckles)

Everybody's gone

and they're still working their heads
off down there.

Oh, girls...

if you don't mind, will you let me
know when you're finished?

I'll be in my office.

I'm waiting to lock up!

(mocking Xavier): He's waiting to
lock up.

Oh, we don't mind.

When you finish.

Finish, waiting to lock up.

I hope he never locks up.

No!

Those are clean.

I never worked so hard in my life.

Neither did I.

I wonder where all these came from.

I don't know.
I think he takes in

dirty dishes from other restaurants.

Honestly, every time I think of those
boobs we're married to,

I just get furious.

So do I.

They make me so mad.

Maybe this'll teach you to keep your
big mouth shut.

Me? What do you mean?

Well it was your idea about this
equal rights business.

Just a minute.

You thought it was a good idea then.

Well, it stinks now.

Well, it's nice to know

that you're the kind of a person

who turns on a friend in a crisis.

Oh, listen, Lucy, I've been going
through

this type of thing with you for 11
years.

This is my last crisis.

I'm through.

(whimpering)

Oh, don't cry.

I didn't mean anything I said.

I'm so upset!

I know, so am I.

Lucy, you mustn't cry anymore.

You're right, I'm making the
dishwater cold.

Oh, well, the main thing is

to get these dishes done

so we can get home.

Yeah!

Wait a minute.

We don't have any money to get home
on.

Oh, yeah.

How do you like those husbands of
ours?

We'll have to walk, all that way

through those dark streets alone.

Yeah, and I wouldn't be surprised

if a thug jumped out from behind a
dark building

and pounced on us and said, "Your
money or your life."

And you know where that'll leave us.

Oh, no.

Yeah, and maybe he'll conk us on the
head

and he'll leave us broken and
bleeding in an alley.

And then Ricky and Fred'll be sorry.

They'll be sorry?

Hey, I know how we can get even with
them.

How?

Well, I'll call Ricky

and I'll tell him that the
restaurant's being held up,

and you yell, "Help!"

and make noises like struggling

in the background.

Lucy, how do you think up all these
wonderful things?

Promise me when you die,

you'll leave your brain to science.

Okay.

Coast is clear.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Hello, Ricky, this is Lucy.

It's Lucy.

Where are you, honey?

Oh, we're still at the restaurant.

They made us do the dishes.

No.

Yeah, but we're almost finished,

and we were wondering if you could
come and...

Oh. Oh, now-now you stay away from
me.

You stay away from me with that gun.

(screaming)

What's the matter, honey?!
What's the matter?!

Two masked men just came in with
guns.

What? What's going on?!

FRED: What's the matter?

(with deep voice): This is a stickup.

Don't move or I'll shoot.

Honey, what's the matter?

Help! Murder! Police!

Don't shoot!

Don't come near me with that gun, and
don't hit Ethel.

Don't you dare hit Ethel.

Don't you dare hit Ethel!

(both groaning)

Help! Murder!

Don't shoot!
Don't shoot!

Don't shoot!

(screaming)

Don't shoot.
Save us.

Somebody save us!

Oh, come and save us.

Help! Help!

(scream and groaning dramatically)

(coughs)

(imitates dying)

Honey, what's the matter?

Honey, what's going on!

Please, what's the matter?

Lucy, please.

Two-two-two-two bandits down there
with guns.

They're holding up the restaurant.

I'll call the police.

No, let me call the police.

Wait a minute.

Information.

Information, give me the police.

The police! Police!

P-O-L-S-I-C. Police.

Give me the phone.

I'll talk to the police.

Policia, le habla senor Ricky
Ricardo.

Mi senora esta en un restaurante
alla...

Give me the phone!

What are you doing, calling the Cuban
police?

Hurry up!

Hello! They're holding up a
restaurant

at 39th near Eighth.

Never mind who this is.

Just meet us there.

Meet us there, that's right.

Come on, let's go.

The cops aren't here yet.

We'll have to do it ourselves.

Grab a chair.

How do you like that?

What a dirty trick to scare us half
out of our wits like that.

Oh, boy, they got even with us, all
right.

Yeah.

And they'll never know it.

I'll say they won't.

Come on, now let's get out of here.

No, wait a minute.

This story about the bandits is too
good to pass it up.

Yeah?

You got a handkerchief?

Yeah.

Oh.

Well, that's it.

Just got to move those over there,

and we're finished.

Oh, boy.

Here we go.

What a night.

(screams)

(dishes crash)

Ethel, what's the matter with you?

Are you crazy or something?

What's the matter with you?

(screams)

(both shrieking)

(laughing)

(laughing continues)

Ricky Ricardo.

Fred Mertz.

(mocking Lucy): Two bandits are
holding us up.

Ahh!! Ahhh!

Look at these brave women.

All right, you guys, let's go.

Now, wait a minute, fellows!

What's the matter with you guys?

Are you crazy or something?

This is all a joke.

A joke?

Sure, it's a joke.

These are our wives here.

That's right.

Our sweet, loving, little wives.

Sure.

Well, you see, they acted...

Look, they wanted equal rights,

so we said fine, we give you equal
rights.

From now on we treat you just like
you were men.

So we came down here to this
restaurant,

we said give us separate checks to
the head waiter.

You know, I tell him the whole story.

So the head waiters come and gives us
separate checks.

They don't have any money to pay.

I was in cahoots with the guy.

So he tells them, all right, you have
to wash the dishes.

To teach them a story

we let them go here and wash the
dishes.

Now they called the house, and just
to scare us

they tell us there is a couple of
bandits down here with guns

and they're holding us up.

So he and I, we come down here

like a couple of jerks to save them,

and we realize there's no bandits
around in here.

So we said okay, we can't lose this
chance.

We put the handkerchiefs and the hats
and the stuff

and we come in here with the gun,

and it was, you know, just to scare
them,

and that's all there was to it, for
goodness sakes.

(laughing)

Isn't that right, honey?

We never saw them before in our
lives.

(all yelling at once)

All right you guys, stand up.

The girls you held up

want to take another look at you

before they sign the complaint.

This way, ladies.

Mean looking, aren't they?

Yeah.

Lucy...

Fresh, too, calls me by my first
name.

The young one isn't so bad looking.

He has a certain amount of animal
charm.

I guess this old shriveled up one is
his father.

They're no good, lady.

Anybody can see that.

We'll all be better off

if you could sign the complaint

and we can put them away.

Okay.

Oh, wait a minute.

Uh, you know, the more I look at him,

the cuter he gets.

I wonder how he kisses.

Kisses?

Not bad.

Wonder how grandpa kisses.

Eh...

Close your mouth and open the door.

(giggling)

Equal rights.

Equal rights.

Equal rights.

(I Love Lucy theme music plays)

ANNOUNCER: The maitre d' was played
by Lawrence Dobkin,

and the policemen were Fred Aldrich,
Dick Reeves

and Louis Nicoletti.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.

This is the CBS television network.