I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 28 - Tennessee Ernie Visits - full transcript
Cousin Ernie visits the Ricardos and won't leave. Lucy gets creative trying to find a way to get him to go home.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Fred.
This special-delivery
letter just came for you.
Oh, thanks. You're welcome.
Don't you want to know what
it's about? It looks important.
You've got the wrong Mertz.
You're thinking about the
Buttinsky branch of the family.
I'll go tell Ethel to
put on her earphones
and stand by for a news flash.
Okay.
Ricky! Ricky!
Special delivery!
Huh?
Who is it from?
My mother.
Now, Ricky.
It must be important.
It can't be important to me.
She doesn't even know I'm alive.
Oh, honey, she does, too.
She always writes to both of us.
Yeah? Sure.
Who's that letter addressed to?
"Miss Lucy McGillicuddy."
Uh-huh.
Well, honey, you
know how mothers are.
To Mama, I'll always be
her little daughter
Lucy McGillicuddy.
But she knows
who I'm married to.
Yeah? Then why does she
always write: "Dear Lucy,
How are you, and how
is what's-his-name?"
Oh, honey.
"Dear Lucy,
How are you, and how is Xavier?"
Xavier?
Well, honey, she knows
I'm married to a
Latin-American bandleader.
She just doesn't know which one.
Well, that's true.
She's getting
warmer all the time.
"I love the pictures
of the baby,
and I'm relieved to see
that he looks just like you."
Instead of Xavier.
Oh... Now, honey.
"The real reason I'm writing
"is because I went to my
club meeting yesterday.
"You remember Flo Pauline Lopis,
"the club recording secretary.
"Well, it seems that
"Flo Pauline's old college
roommate, Ella Scott Porter,
"has a cousin who
married a man named Ford
and went to live in a
little town in Tennessee."
Wake me up when
you get to the spicy stuff.
"Well, it seems this cousin
has a boy named Ernest.
"She has an older
boy named George
"and a younger boy named Roger.
"Ernest is her middle boy.
Well, to make a
long story short..."
It's too late.
"To make a long story short,
"Ernest is on his
way to New York,
"and I told Flo Pauline
"to tell Ella to tell her
cousin to tell Ernest
that you'd be glad
to entertain him."
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
She just caught my interest.
Uh, "of course I don't
know Ernest personally,
"but any friend of Flo
Pauline's roommate's cousin
"is a friend of mine.
Love, mother."
Now, look, you write to
your mother right away
and you tell her that
we're going out of town.
Oh, honey, sh-she
says he's on his way.
There isn't time to write her.
Oh, great.
Another visitor.
Just what I needed!
That makes three
of them this month.
What's the matter, doesn't
anybody ever stay home anymore?
Now, honey, it won't
hurt us to be nice to him.
After all, it's my mother's
friend's roommate's
cousin's middle boy.
Oh, I didn't realize that.
That's different.
Now, now, honey,
will you be nice to him?
Look, I'll tell
you what I'll do.
I'll take him out
to dinner once,
and I'll have him down at
the club as my guest... once,
and that's the end of it.
Well, that's fine.
I think Mother would
be very happy about that.
There you are.
And that's 12, 14, 15.
15 double.
"L-u-c-k-e-l."
"Luckel."
Luckel? That's not a word.
It is, too!
Well, I never heard
it. Use it in a sentence.
Well, like, uh...
when you take a ride
in a Fifth Avenue bus,
you can either take
the 'spress or the luckel.
That is "local."
That's what I said, luckel.
And for your information,
it's spelled l-o-c-a-l.
Now take that back.
Wait till I get you
in a jai alai game.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Luckel.
Who's that?
I don't know.
Howdy, folks.
How do you do?
I'm Ernest Ford.
I'm looking for the Rickerdos.
Well, uh...
Uh, we're the Ricardos.
Come in.
You must be Cousin Lucy.
And there's Cousin Ricky, too.
How are you?
How are you?
Did you say "cousin"?
Oh, yeah. It's just a habit.
Down in Tennessee, everybody
calls everybody else "cousin."
Oh.
'Course down in Tennessee,
everybody is
everybody else's cousin.
Well, I'm glad...
glad to meet you.
Oh, I'm tired.
Well, you must be,
coming all that distance.
When did you get in?
Well, the bus got here at noon,
and I've been a-tryin'
to find your place.
It took you eight
hours to get here?
We only live ten minutes
from the bus depot.
Not the way I come.
What do you mean?
Well, down on the street,
I asked a fella how to
get to the Rickerdos'.
Well, he said,
"Take the subway."
Uh-huh.
Well, he pointed over
there to a hole in the ground
with some steps
a-going down in it.
Mm-hmm. I went down in there,
and do you know what I saw?
What?
Nothing.
A bunch of people a-standing
there looking in a ditch.
Well, that was the subway.
Oh. Well, here come two
streetcars hooked up together.
Uh-huh.
And I turned around to
ask the fella how to get here
and, boy, somebody
let the gap down then.
All that bunch of people
come a-steamin' up there
pushed me through
that door, shut it up,
and we took off like
a scalded gander.
Well, what happened then?
Well, sir, we drove
and drove and drove
and do you know what? What?
That driver never got
that thing out of that hole.
Well, now... it wasn't so funny.
We stopped once and
they opened that door
and I caught a little
daylight in my eye
and I shot out of
there like a burnt rabbit
and I got up on top
of the ground again
and I was in some
place called Long Island
and I walked here.
You walked all the
way from Long Island?
Yep. Ding-donged if it ain't.
What?
A long island.
Well, you must be tired.
Yeah, I'm a mite tuckered, I am.
Oh, well, that's too bad.
Hi. You ready...?
Oh, hello, Fred and Ethel.
Oh, I didn't know
you had company.
Yeah, this is Fred
and Ethel Mertz.
Ernie Ford.
How do you do?
Oh, how do you do?
How do you do, sir?
Yeah, Ernie came all
the way from Tennessee.
Oh, yes, Lucy told us
she was expecting you.
Yeah, he just
dropped in to say hello.
Wasn't that nice?
Yes. How do you like New York?
Oh, it's all right.
It ain't got much on
Bent Fork, though.
Bent Fork? Bent Fork?
Bent Fork, Tennessee.
That's, that's where I'm from.
It's just a hoe
handle from Nashville.
Oh.
Well, I'll declare.
Do you know what time it is?
It's after 9:00.
I ought to have been
in bed an hour ago.
Oh, well, we sure don't
want to keep you up, Ernie.
Yeah. It was sure
nice of you to stop by
as soon as you got in town.
Where do I sleep?
Uh... where do you sleep?
Yeah. Now, now, don't
you put yourselves out.
I can sleep a-hanging on a nail.
Well, uh, um...
Uh, uh, uh, uh...
Look here, old man.
We'd love to have
you stay here with us,
but, uh, we-we only
got one bedroom
and a little nursery
for the baby.
We don't have a bed for you.
No. I don't need a bed.
Anybody using this davenette?
Well, uh, you
couldn't sleep here.
This is hard as a board.
Oh, no, this is
the cat's pole here.
Just give me a little
kivver and I'll be as comfy
as a wet dog behind
the kitchen stove.
Oh, well, you... you really
can't sleep here, Ernie.
Uh, Fred, do you still
have that rollaway bed?
Sure.
Now, wait a minute.
I don't want to lay down
on anything that's gonna be
a-gallavantin' around
the room all night.
Well, no, you-you
don't understand, Ernie.
You see, they call
it a rollaway bed
because you can roll
it away in the closet.
Well, I'll be sheep-dipped.
Well, do you want me to get it?
Yeah, would you
get it, please, Fred?
I'll help you, Fred.
All right. Thank you.
Well, I may as well get
ready to hit the hay, I reckon.
Where's he going?
I don't know.
Ernie?
Don't call him.
Maybe he's goin'
back to Tennessee.
Oh, honey.
Through the bedroom.
You mean it's in the house?
Well, wait till I write
Mama about this.
Well, your sweet little
mother has done it again.
Oh, well, now, honey,
he's really kind of cute,
and besides, it's
only for one night.
Tomorrow we'll get
him a room in a hotel.
Yeah, on the other side of town.
Now, honey, remember,
he's my mother's friend's
roommate's cousin's...
middle boy. Middle boy.
I know. Yeah. Well, he is.
Here comes the bed.
Where do you want this, Rick?
I guess we'll
have to put it here.
I don't know
where else to put it.
Running a rooming house,
Shh! all of a sudden.
Honey, now be quiet.
He's liable to hear you.
Now just be quiet.
Well, there it is, all ready.
Clean sheets and everything.
Thanks, Fred.
Wait a minute!
I thought we were
going to play cards
with the Mertzes.
Well, honey, that was before
I knew anyone was
sleeping in our game room.
Well, say good night
to Li'l Abner for me.
See you tomorrow.
Good night, Fred.
All right. What, uh, what
are we supposed to do now?
Well, we'll just
have to go to bed.
At 9:15?
Honey, this is
my only night off.
Well, honey, it won't hurt
you to go to bed one night.
Oh...
Now, look, it's
only for one night,
and... and if we're not nice
to one of mother's friends,
you know we'll never
hear the end of this.
Okay, we'll go to bed.
All right.
This my bedstead?
Well, uh... yes, Ernie.
Uh, is there anything
else I can get you?
No. I been a-bedding myself
down by myself for years.
Y'all go on to bed.
Good night, Cousin Lucy.
Night-night, Cousin Ricky.
Good night. Good night.
Good night, honey.
Night-night.
Night-night.
What's the matter, honey?
This night is
never going to end.
What time is it?
10:30.
10:30?!
I feel like I been in
bed for six months.
Lie down and try to go to sleep.
I'm not sleepy.
Listen, honey, is
it getting colder?
Maybe Ernie hasn't got
enough over him out there.
He's all right.
Well... I don't know.
I think you ought to
take him an extra blanket.
Okay.
It'll help kill the time anyway.
Take that extra one of yours
over there on the chair.
All right.
Going to bed at
9:15 at night, ugh!
Psst! Psst!
Lucy?
What?
Come here, will you?
What?
Come here. I want
you to see something.
Come and see what?
Just-just come with
me, will you, please?
Go on.
♪ Listen to the jingle,
the rumble and the roar ♪
♪ As she glides
along the woodland ♪
♪ To the hills
and by the shore ♪
♪ Whoo-hee! ♪
6:30!
The baby's still asleep.
I'll take care of that.
¿Que le pasa que toca el guitar
at 6:30 in the morning?!
Honey, he's our guest.
Now, remember...
♪ As she glides
along the woodland ♪
♪ To the hills and
by the shore. ♪
Oh, good morning, folks.
Do you know what time it is?
Yeah. It's nigh on
to half past 6:00.
I-I don't know
what got into me...
oversleeping like I did.
But I can see that
I ain't the only one
that's been
a-beatin' the sheets.
Uh, did you sleep well, Ernie?
I don't know when I've had
a better night's rest.
Now at home,
generally, I toss and turn,
but not in that thing.
Now, look here, old man.
I want to say something to you.
I know what you're going to say.
It's about the "geetar."
Well, sir, I seen
it a-standin' there
and my eyes bugged out
like a stomped-on toad frog.
Everything just went plukey.
You know, I had
one of these geetars,
but these bus fares to New York
come pretty dear.
You mean you sold your...
geetar to get to New York?
Yep. Fella give me $27 for it
and I come all the way here
and I got a
little bit left, too.
Wait a minute.
There she is.
42 cents right there.
42? Is that all you have
for your expenses here?
Your clothes? Your
meals? Your...?
Your, your, your hotel bills?
Well, I worried some about that.
I don't anymore.
I come here to the big city
alone, no friends,
no acquaintances,
and you took me to your bosom.
You're, you're, you're just
a mama and a papa to me.
You made me feel
like I was wanted
and that I belonged.
I've got a home.
Oh.
Gee, thanks for helping
me home with these, Ethel.
That's all right.
Say, am I wrong
or didn't you buy a big
load of groceries yesterday?
I buy a big load of
groceries every day
since the
bottomless pit arrived.
Can he hear us?
No. He's up on the
roof till the noon whistle.
Up on the roof?
Yeah. I think he's
getting a suntan.
The tactful way he put it was:
"I ain't aiming to get as
fish-belly white as you 'uns."
I just love the way he talks.
Well, he is cute, but oh, gee...
Lucy!
Yes, dear?
What happened to these?
What's the matter with them?
What's the matter with them?
They don't make no noise!
I was rehearsing with them.
I thought I was going deaf!
Who did it?!
Ernie. He was
only trying to help.
Help?!
Well, he thought
they were broken
because they rattled inside.
Ay, dios mio! Dios
mio, que estupido!
My grandfather gave
me these maracas
when I was ten years old!
I know, dear.
Well, that does it. Out he goes.
Now, Ricky...
Out!
Oh! What about my mother?
Never ask me a
question like that
when I'm in this condition.
Ernesto!
Ernesto!
Oh, now, Ricky...
Oh, Lucy,
it's better this way.
Oh, I suppose you're right.
One big explosion
and get it over with.
Cousin Lucy, where are you at?
I'll be right there, Ernie.
I'll see you later.
Okay.
Yes, Ernie?
Oh, here you are.
I'm a-writing to Mama
and as a speller, I ain't
never took no ribbons.
Would you look this over
and get the spelling
bloopers before I mail it?
Sure.
Not that mama can read,
but I just don't want
her to be embarrassed
if she finds somebody
to read it to her.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, Ernie?
Yeah?
Wou-Would you run
down to the corner mailbox
and, and look and see what
time they pick up the mail?
All righty.
We want to make sure
that we get your
mama's letter off on time.
That's a good idea.
♪ Listen to the jingle... ♪
Where is he?
I sent him down to the corner.
What's the matter with you?
You know I want to talk to him.
Honey, I want you to hear this
before you talk to him.
Now sit down a minute.
It's a letter to his mother.
All right. Now
just listen to this.
"Dear Ma,
"How is my hound
dog and how are you?
"Ma, you was all
wrong about New York.
"I ain't seen hide nor hair
"of no wicked city woman
like you warned me against
"with their painted lips
and painted cheeks.
"But if'n I do, I'll
mind what you said
"and hightail it right
back to Bent Fork.
"Cousin Euncey sure
done me a good turn
"when she sent
me to the Ricardos.
"They is two of the
finest critters on this earth.
"They is true blue.
"Ma, they give me a bed
and all the food I can eat
"and every night, before I
crawl between the kivvers...
"and with the bed they
give me, this ain't easy...
"I get down on my knees
and ask the good Lord
"to bless cousin
Lucy and cousin Ricky,
"the two finest people
"I ever did know.
Your son, Ernest."
Now, you still want to
have that talk with him?
Oh, you know I can't.
What are we going to do?
I don't know.
Hey. I got an idea.
Well, I'm so desperate
that I'd like to hear it.
The only thing that would
make cousin Ernie leave
is a real, live, painted-up,
wicked city woman.
"A real, live, painted-up,
wicked city woman"?
Yeah.
♪ She came down
from Birmingham ♪
♪ One cold December day ♪
♪ As she rolled
along the wood line ♪
♪ You could hear
all the people say ♪
♪ She's mighty tall
and handsome ♪
♪ She's known
quite well by all ♪
♪ She's the combination called
the Wabash Cannonball... ♪
Cousin Lucy, somebody's
settin' on your doorbell.
Oh, all right. I'll get it.
Hello, big boy.
Howdy-do, ma'am.
What's your name, handsome?
I'm Ernest Ford from
Bent Fork, Tennessee.
You'll do.
You got quite a
hitch in your git-along.
Do you know who I am?
Who?
I'm a wicked city woman.
No!
Like your mother
warned you about.
Oh, dear.
Have mercy!
What are you fixin' to do?
I'm going to vamp you.
You are?
Are you a-vampin' me?
Uh-huh.
You know what?
What?
I like it.
You do?!
Yeah. This is more
fun than skippin' rocks.
Vamp me some more.
No! Now don't forget
what your mother told you.
Oh, she was wrong about that.
She couldn't have meant you.
Yes, she did! Now
you stay away from me.
Now you go home!
I am home. I live here.
Oh. Well, then,
I'd better go home.
No.
Come back!
Vamp me some more.
No!
City woman!
Come back here!
City woman!
City woman, where
you at, you little heifer?
I'll find you if I
have to stay here
the rest of my born days.
Honey! Honey!
It's me, Ricky!
Oh, Ricky!
What's the matter, honey?
Didn't you chase him away?
No, he chased me away!
He said he was gonna stay
here the rest of his born days.
Well, I'll be ding-donged.
Ernie was played by Ernie Ford.
I Love Lucy is a
Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next
week at this same time.
Oh, hi, Fred.
This special-delivery
letter just came for you.
Oh, thanks. You're welcome.
Don't you want to know what
it's about? It looks important.
You've got the wrong Mertz.
You're thinking about the
Buttinsky branch of the family.
I'll go tell Ethel to
put on her earphones
and stand by for a news flash.
Okay.
Ricky! Ricky!
Special delivery!
Huh?
Who is it from?
My mother.
Now, Ricky.
It must be important.
It can't be important to me.
She doesn't even know I'm alive.
Oh, honey, she does, too.
She always writes to both of us.
Yeah? Sure.
Who's that letter addressed to?
"Miss Lucy McGillicuddy."
Uh-huh.
Well, honey, you
know how mothers are.
To Mama, I'll always be
her little daughter
Lucy McGillicuddy.
But she knows
who I'm married to.
Yeah? Then why does she
always write: "Dear Lucy,
How are you, and how
is what's-his-name?"
Oh, honey.
"Dear Lucy,
How are you, and how is Xavier?"
Xavier?
Well, honey, she knows
I'm married to a
Latin-American bandleader.
She just doesn't know which one.
Well, that's true.
She's getting
warmer all the time.
"I love the pictures
of the baby,
and I'm relieved to see
that he looks just like you."
Instead of Xavier.
Oh... Now, honey.
"The real reason I'm writing
"is because I went to my
club meeting yesterday.
"You remember Flo Pauline Lopis,
"the club recording secretary.
"Well, it seems that
"Flo Pauline's old college
roommate, Ella Scott Porter,
"has a cousin who
married a man named Ford
and went to live in a
little town in Tennessee."
Wake me up when
you get to the spicy stuff.
"Well, it seems this cousin
has a boy named Ernest.
"She has an older
boy named George
"and a younger boy named Roger.
"Ernest is her middle boy.
Well, to make a
long story short..."
It's too late.
"To make a long story short,
"Ernest is on his
way to New York,
"and I told Flo Pauline
"to tell Ella to tell her
cousin to tell Ernest
that you'd be glad
to entertain him."
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
She just caught my interest.
Uh, "of course I don't
know Ernest personally,
"but any friend of Flo
Pauline's roommate's cousin
"is a friend of mine.
Love, mother."
Now, look, you write to
your mother right away
and you tell her that
we're going out of town.
Oh, honey, sh-she
says he's on his way.
There isn't time to write her.
Oh, great.
Another visitor.
Just what I needed!
That makes three
of them this month.
What's the matter, doesn't
anybody ever stay home anymore?
Now, honey, it won't
hurt us to be nice to him.
After all, it's my mother's
friend's roommate's
cousin's middle boy.
Oh, I didn't realize that.
That's different.
Now, now, honey,
will you be nice to him?
Look, I'll tell
you what I'll do.
I'll take him out
to dinner once,
and I'll have him down at
the club as my guest... once,
and that's the end of it.
Well, that's fine.
I think Mother would
be very happy about that.
There you are.
And that's 12, 14, 15.
15 double.
"L-u-c-k-e-l."
"Luckel."
Luckel? That's not a word.
It is, too!
Well, I never heard
it. Use it in a sentence.
Well, like, uh...
when you take a ride
in a Fifth Avenue bus,
you can either take
the 'spress or the luckel.
That is "local."
That's what I said, luckel.
And for your information,
it's spelled l-o-c-a-l.
Now take that back.
Wait till I get you
in a jai alai game.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Luckel.
Who's that?
I don't know.
Howdy, folks.
How do you do?
I'm Ernest Ford.
I'm looking for the Rickerdos.
Well, uh...
Uh, we're the Ricardos.
Come in.
You must be Cousin Lucy.
And there's Cousin Ricky, too.
How are you?
How are you?
Did you say "cousin"?
Oh, yeah. It's just a habit.
Down in Tennessee, everybody
calls everybody else "cousin."
Oh.
'Course down in Tennessee,
everybody is
everybody else's cousin.
Well, I'm glad...
glad to meet you.
Oh, I'm tired.
Well, you must be,
coming all that distance.
When did you get in?
Well, the bus got here at noon,
and I've been a-tryin'
to find your place.
It took you eight
hours to get here?
We only live ten minutes
from the bus depot.
Not the way I come.
What do you mean?
Well, down on the street,
I asked a fella how to
get to the Rickerdos'.
Well, he said,
"Take the subway."
Uh-huh.
Well, he pointed over
there to a hole in the ground
with some steps
a-going down in it.
Mm-hmm. I went down in there,
and do you know what I saw?
What?
Nothing.
A bunch of people a-standing
there looking in a ditch.
Well, that was the subway.
Oh. Well, here come two
streetcars hooked up together.
Uh-huh.
And I turned around to
ask the fella how to get here
and, boy, somebody
let the gap down then.
All that bunch of people
come a-steamin' up there
pushed me through
that door, shut it up,
and we took off like
a scalded gander.
Well, what happened then?
Well, sir, we drove
and drove and drove
and do you know what? What?
That driver never got
that thing out of that hole.
Well, now... it wasn't so funny.
We stopped once and
they opened that door
and I caught a little
daylight in my eye
and I shot out of
there like a burnt rabbit
and I got up on top
of the ground again
and I was in some
place called Long Island
and I walked here.
You walked all the
way from Long Island?
Yep. Ding-donged if it ain't.
What?
A long island.
Well, you must be tired.
Yeah, I'm a mite tuckered, I am.
Oh, well, that's too bad.
Hi. You ready...?
Oh, hello, Fred and Ethel.
Oh, I didn't know
you had company.
Yeah, this is Fred
and Ethel Mertz.
Ernie Ford.
How do you do?
Oh, how do you do?
How do you do, sir?
Yeah, Ernie came all
the way from Tennessee.
Oh, yes, Lucy told us
she was expecting you.
Yeah, he just
dropped in to say hello.
Wasn't that nice?
Yes. How do you like New York?
Oh, it's all right.
It ain't got much on
Bent Fork, though.
Bent Fork? Bent Fork?
Bent Fork, Tennessee.
That's, that's where I'm from.
It's just a hoe
handle from Nashville.
Oh.
Well, I'll declare.
Do you know what time it is?
It's after 9:00.
I ought to have been
in bed an hour ago.
Oh, well, we sure don't
want to keep you up, Ernie.
Yeah. It was sure
nice of you to stop by
as soon as you got in town.
Where do I sleep?
Uh... where do you sleep?
Yeah. Now, now, don't
you put yourselves out.
I can sleep a-hanging on a nail.
Well, uh, um...
Uh, uh, uh, uh...
Look here, old man.
We'd love to have
you stay here with us,
but, uh, we-we only
got one bedroom
and a little nursery
for the baby.
We don't have a bed for you.
No. I don't need a bed.
Anybody using this davenette?
Well, uh, you
couldn't sleep here.
This is hard as a board.
Oh, no, this is
the cat's pole here.
Just give me a little
kivver and I'll be as comfy
as a wet dog behind
the kitchen stove.
Oh, well, you... you really
can't sleep here, Ernie.
Uh, Fred, do you still
have that rollaway bed?
Sure.
Now, wait a minute.
I don't want to lay down
on anything that's gonna be
a-gallavantin' around
the room all night.
Well, no, you-you
don't understand, Ernie.
You see, they call
it a rollaway bed
because you can roll
it away in the closet.
Well, I'll be sheep-dipped.
Well, do you want me to get it?
Yeah, would you
get it, please, Fred?
I'll help you, Fred.
All right. Thank you.
Well, I may as well get
ready to hit the hay, I reckon.
Where's he going?
I don't know.
Ernie?
Don't call him.
Maybe he's goin'
back to Tennessee.
Oh, honey.
Through the bedroom.
You mean it's in the house?
Well, wait till I write
Mama about this.
Well, your sweet little
mother has done it again.
Oh, well, now, honey,
he's really kind of cute,
and besides, it's
only for one night.
Tomorrow we'll get
him a room in a hotel.
Yeah, on the other side of town.
Now, honey, remember,
he's my mother's friend's
roommate's cousin's...
middle boy. Middle boy.
I know. Yeah. Well, he is.
Here comes the bed.
Where do you want this, Rick?
I guess we'll
have to put it here.
I don't know
where else to put it.
Running a rooming house,
Shh! all of a sudden.
Honey, now be quiet.
He's liable to hear you.
Now just be quiet.
Well, there it is, all ready.
Clean sheets and everything.
Thanks, Fred.
Wait a minute!
I thought we were
going to play cards
with the Mertzes.
Well, honey, that was before
I knew anyone was
sleeping in our game room.
Well, say good night
to Li'l Abner for me.
See you tomorrow.
Good night, Fred.
All right. What, uh, what
are we supposed to do now?
Well, we'll just
have to go to bed.
At 9:15?
Honey, this is
my only night off.
Well, honey, it won't hurt
you to go to bed one night.
Oh...
Now, look, it's
only for one night,
and... and if we're not nice
to one of mother's friends,
you know we'll never
hear the end of this.
Okay, we'll go to bed.
All right.
This my bedstead?
Well, uh... yes, Ernie.
Uh, is there anything
else I can get you?
No. I been a-bedding myself
down by myself for years.
Y'all go on to bed.
Good night, Cousin Lucy.
Night-night, Cousin Ricky.
Good night. Good night.
Good night, honey.
Night-night.
Night-night.
What's the matter, honey?
This night is
never going to end.
What time is it?
10:30.
10:30?!
I feel like I been in
bed for six months.
Lie down and try to go to sleep.
I'm not sleepy.
Listen, honey, is
it getting colder?
Maybe Ernie hasn't got
enough over him out there.
He's all right.
Well... I don't know.
I think you ought to
take him an extra blanket.
Okay.
It'll help kill the time anyway.
Take that extra one of yours
over there on the chair.
All right.
Going to bed at
9:15 at night, ugh!
Psst! Psst!
Lucy?
What?
Come here, will you?
What?
Come here. I want
you to see something.
Come and see what?
Just-just come with
me, will you, please?
Go on.
♪ Listen to the jingle,
the rumble and the roar ♪
♪ As she glides
along the woodland ♪
♪ To the hills
and by the shore ♪
♪ Whoo-hee! ♪
6:30!
The baby's still asleep.
I'll take care of that.
¿Que le pasa que toca el guitar
at 6:30 in the morning?!
Honey, he's our guest.
Now, remember...
♪ As she glides
along the woodland ♪
♪ To the hills and
by the shore. ♪
Oh, good morning, folks.
Do you know what time it is?
Yeah. It's nigh on
to half past 6:00.
I-I don't know
what got into me...
oversleeping like I did.
But I can see that
I ain't the only one
that's been
a-beatin' the sheets.
Uh, did you sleep well, Ernie?
I don't know when I've had
a better night's rest.
Now at home,
generally, I toss and turn,
but not in that thing.
Now, look here, old man.
I want to say something to you.
I know what you're going to say.
It's about the "geetar."
Well, sir, I seen
it a-standin' there
and my eyes bugged out
like a stomped-on toad frog.
Everything just went plukey.
You know, I had
one of these geetars,
but these bus fares to New York
come pretty dear.
You mean you sold your...
geetar to get to New York?
Yep. Fella give me $27 for it
and I come all the way here
and I got a
little bit left, too.
Wait a minute.
There she is.
42 cents right there.
42? Is that all you have
for your expenses here?
Your clothes? Your
meals? Your...?
Your, your, your hotel bills?
Well, I worried some about that.
I don't anymore.
I come here to the big city
alone, no friends,
no acquaintances,
and you took me to your bosom.
You're, you're, you're just
a mama and a papa to me.
You made me feel
like I was wanted
and that I belonged.
I've got a home.
Oh.
Gee, thanks for helping
me home with these, Ethel.
That's all right.
Say, am I wrong
or didn't you buy a big
load of groceries yesterday?
I buy a big load of
groceries every day
since the
bottomless pit arrived.
Can he hear us?
No. He's up on the
roof till the noon whistle.
Up on the roof?
Yeah. I think he's
getting a suntan.
The tactful way he put it was:
"I ain't aiming to get as
fish-belly white as you 'uns."
I just love the way he talks.
Well, he is cute, but oh, gee...
Lucy!
Yes, dear?
What happened to these?
What's the matter with them?
What's the matter with them?
They don't make no noise!
I was rehearsing with them.
I thought I was going deaf!
Who did it?!
Ernie. He was
only trying to help.
Help?!
Well, he thought
they were broken
because they rattled inside.
Ay, dios mio! Dios
mio, que estupido!
My grandfather gave
me these maracas
when I was ten years old!
I know, dear.
Well, that does it. Out he goes.
Now, Ricky...
Out!
Oh! What about my mother?
Never ask me a
question like that
when I'm in this condition.
Ernesto!
Ernesto!
Oh, now, Ricky...
Oh, Lucy,
it's better this way.
Oh, I suppose you're right.
One big explosion
and get it over with.
Cousin Lucy, where are you at?
I'll be right there, Ernie.
I'll see you later.
Okay.
Yes, Ernie?
Oh, here you are.
I'm a-writing to Mama
and as a speller, I ain't
never took no ribbons.
Would you look this over
and get the spelling
bloopers before I mail it?
Sure.
Not that mama can read,
but I just don't want
her to be embarrassed
if she finds somebody
to read it to her.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, Ernie?
Yeah?
Wou-Would you run
down to the corner mailbox
and, and look and see what
time they pick up the mail?
All righty.
We want to make sure
that we get your
mama's letter off on time.
That's a good idea.
♪ Listen to the jingle... ♪
Where is he?
I sent him down to the corner.
What's the matter with you?
You know I want to talk to him.
Honey, I want you to hear this
before you talk to him.
Now sit down a minute.
It's a letter to his mother.
All right. Now
just listen to this.
"Dear Ma,
"How is my hound
dog and how are you?
"Ma, you was all
wrong about New York.
"I ain't seen hide nor hair
"of no wicked city woman
like you warned me against
"with their painted lips
and painted cheeks.
"But if'n I do, I'll
mind what you said
"and hightail it right
back to Bent Fork.
"Cousin Euncey sure
done me a good turn
"when she sent
me to the Ricardos.
"They is two of the
finest critters on this earth.
"They is true blue.
"Ma, they give me a bed
and all the food I can eat
"and every night, before I
crawl between the kivvers...
"and with the bed they
give me, this ain't easy...
"I get down on my knees
and ask the good Lord
"to bless cousin
Lucy and cousin Ricky,
"the two finest people
"I ever did know.
Your son, Ernest."
Now, you still want to
have that talk with him?
Oh, you know I can't.
What are we going to do?
I don't know.
Hey. I got an idea.
Well, I'm so desperate
that I'd like to hear it.
The only thing that would
make cousin Ernie leave
is a real, live, painted-up,
wicked city woman.
"A real, live, painted-up,
wicked city woman"?
Yeah.
♪ She came down
from Birmingham ♪
♪ One cold December day ♪
♪ As she rolled
along the wood line ♪
♪ You could hear
all the people say ♪
♪ She's mighty tall
and handsome ♪
♪ She's known
quite well by all ♪
♪ She's the combination called
the Wabash Cannonball... ♪
Cousin Lucy, somebody's
settin' on your doorbell.
Oh, all right. I'll get it.
Hello, big boy.
Howdy-do, ma'am.
What's your name, handsome?
I'm Ernest Ford from
Bent Fork, Tennessee.
You'll do.
You got quite a
hitch in your git-along.
Do you know who I am?
Who?
I'm a wicked city woman.
No!
Like your mother
warned you about.
Oh, dear.
Have mercy!
What are you fixin' to do?
I'm going to vamp you.
You are?
Are you a-vampin' me?
Uh-huh.
You know what?
What?
I like it.
You do?!
Yeah. This is more
fun than skippin' rocks.
Vamp me some more.
No! Now don't forget
what your mother told you.
Oh, she was wrong about that.
She couldn't have meant you.
Yes, she did! Now
you stay away from me.
Now you go home!
I am home. I live here.
Oh. Well, then,
I'd better go home.
No.
Come back!
Vamp me some more.
No!
City woman!
Come back here!
City woman!
City woman, where
you at, you little heifer?
I'll find you if I
have to stay here
the rest of my born days.
Honey! Honey!
It's me, Ricky!
Oh, Ricky!
What's the matter, honey?
Didn't you chase him away?
No, he chased me away!
He said he was gonna stay
here the rest of his born days.
Well, I'll be ding-donged.
Ernie was played by Ernie Ford.
I Love Lucy is a
Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next
week at this same time.