I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 26 - The Black Wig - full transcript

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

Oh, boy, it's been a long time

since I saw a movie that good.

RICKY: Those Italians make great
pictures, don't they?

Yeah, those women were lookers all
right.

But I couldn't understand

what the picture was all about.

If it isn't Donald Duck, it's over
his head.

(chuckles)

Honestly.

Lucy, didn't you think when she...



What's the matter, Lucy?

Are you sick?

Oh, no, no, don't pay any attention
to her, Ethel.

Every time she goes to a movie

she comes out as the heroine.

It will take a couple of hours to
wear off.

Arrivederci, mi amore.

Mi amore, arrivederci.

What's the matter with her?

What do you mean "what's the matter
with her?"

Can't you see that this poor women's
husband

has just been taken to jail?

And she's left there with 12 children

that she has to support.



She has to work in the rice field

to support them.

Thank you, Lucille Magnani.

How can you be so blase?

Don't you feel what she felt?

Oh, I think those Italian actresses
are just wonderful.

They're so sultry and exciting.

They're so... so... Italian.

Oh, I'd like to look like that.

Oh, what I wouldn't give if I looked
like one of them.

What I wouldn't give

if you looked like one of them.

Molto bene.

Bellissimo bambino.

Hey, senora, calma down.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to get an Italian haircut.

Oh, no, you're not.

Why not?

Because I like your hair the way it
is.

But it would look so good short.

Please?

Look, for my son's sake, no.

What do you mean, "for your son's
sake"?

I'll splain.

Okay, "splain."

Look, all people in the world are
divided into two groups--

men and women.

I know. It's a wonderful arrangement.

Right.

Now, men have short hair, and women
have long hair.

That's the difference between them.

Oh?

Now, I don't want my son to be
confused.

He should know whether he should call
you mother

or father.

Oh, you men.

You make me sick.

You know, something, Lucy?

I think I'll get one of those Italian
haircuts.

Now, Ethel, don't get carried away.

Leave bad enough alone.

Now, I looked pretty good last year

when I had my hair cut in a poodle
cut.

People couldn't take their eyes off
of me.

Sure, they thought you were Harpo
Marx.

It doesn't make any difference what
you say.

If I want my hair cut short,

Oh, Ethel, what's the use?
What's the use?
I'll cut my hair...

If we want to stay married

we're going to have to go through
life

with our heads in a rut.

Morning, Doug.

Good morning, Mrs. Ricardo.

How are you this morning?

Fine. Roberta ready?

I think so.
Just a moment.

Roberta, Mrs. Ricardo's here.

Oh, that's the new Italian look, you
know.

Yes, I know.

I'd have the new Italian look except
for a certain Cuban look.

ROBERTA: Good morning, Mrs. Ricardo.

Hi, Bert.
You ready?

Yeah, come on in.

Doug, get me a cup of coffee, will
you?
Sure.

Well, what will it be today, the
usual?

Yeah, I guess so.

My...

You should have come in sooner.

You've got quite a firebreak here.

Now, listen, Bert, no cracks

or I'll take my dark roots somewhere
else.

Oh, you know, I wanted to get one of
those new Italian cuts

but Ricky won't let me.

Oh, that's a shame.

You'd look darling with your hair
short.

Well, I thought so, but he put his
foot down.

He does a lot of that, doesn't he?

Yeah. If you could harness the energy

he uses putting his foot down

you could light the whole city of New
York.

I get so mad at husbands.

They have no imagination about their
wives.

No, but they have...

You know what you should do?

What?

Well, you know, you're just going to
be a knockout

with an Italian haircut.

Surprise him.

Let me cut your hair short and fix it
real cute

and then spring it on him.
He'll die.

Well, one of us will.

No, I don't think that's a very good
idea.

Oh, listen...

Do you think that wig out front would
fit me?

Well, yeah, I think so.

Well, get it and let me try it on.
Oh, sure. Okay.

Just give me an idea of how I'd look,
you know?

Here we are.

This is fun, isn't it?
Yeah.

I don't suppose it'll do much good,
but...

Oh, well, at least you can tell.

It will give me an idea anyway.

Let's see.

Where did I go?

You look wonderful.

Is that me?

Sure.

Paisan!

Mrs. Ricardo, here's your coffee...

Oh, pardon me.

Mrs. Ricardo?

Yeah, it's me.
How do you like it?

Why, you look wonderful in that wig.

I didn't know you at all.

What a difference, huh?

I can't get over the difference.

Hey, Bert, Ricky's going to pick me
up here.

Doug, can I leave this on till he
gets here?

Sure, go ahead.

You know, if he likes it,

maybe he'll let me get my hair cut.

Well, it's sure worth a try.

What do you think he'll say?

I don't think he'll say anything.

I don't think he'll know it's you.

Oh, he'll know it's me...

Well, I don't know.

Gee, if he didn't recognize me

I'm in a dream spot.

What do you mean?

I could find out how my husband would
react

to a little flirting by a strange
brunette

with an Italian haircut.

Oh, hi, Mr. Ricardo.

Hi.

Is this what we have to look forward
to next season?

No.

Is Mrs. Ricardo ready?

Well, uh, we finished a little early

and she went to do some shopping.

She said for you to meet her out
front

and if she's not there by 1:00, don't
wait for her.

Okay, thank you.

Bye.

Gee.

Psst. Psst.
Mr. Ricardo?

Yeah?

Could I speak to you for a moment?

Sure.

Shh. As the owner of this shop

I should respect my customer's
wishes,

but as a fellow husband I have to
tell you something.

What?

You're wife is going to play a very
dirty trick on you.

Oh?

You know the new Italian haircut?

She didn't!
Shh.

No, but she did try on a brunette wig

with an Italian haircut.

Looks like an entirely different
woman.

You wouldn't recognize her.

Oh, I'd recognize my wife.

Now, don't be too sure.

I didn't recognize her

and I've known her for quite a while.

Anyway, she's going to test you with
a little flirtation.

If you recognize her, fine.

If you don't...

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

Mira que esta mujer se ocurra

cosa extrana en la cabesa.

That's exactly the way I feel about
my wife.

You speak Spanish?

No. Those feeling transcend all
language barriers.

Well, I just wanted to be sure that
you'd recognize her.

What do you mean "recognize her"?

I'm not going to recognize her.

Huh?

Look, as long as she's in the
driver's seat

it would be a shame not to take her
for a little ride.

Miss?

(clearing throat)

Oh, uh...

you dropped your glove.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Well... uh, it's possible.

I've been someplace before.

Well, I'm sure we've met.

Have you ever been to the Tropicana
nightclub?

Oh, why, of course, you're Ricky
Ricardo.

That's right.

Oh, well, I should have known.

Well...

Um...

Look, uh, I tell you what, how would
you like

to come down to the club one night as
my guest?

Well, don't you have to work when
you're at the club?

Oh, for you I could find plenty of
time.

You and I could make beautiful music
together.

I could even teach you how to rumba.

What's the matter?

Look...

we can't talk here.
I'm expecting my wife.

Oh, you're married.

Well, everybody makes a mistake once
in awhile.

I tell you what, honey,

call me down at the club.

That old battle-ax is going to be
here any minute.

Well, tell me, what is your wife
like?

I suppose she's very beautiful.

Well, she's...

she's... she's kind of hard to
describe.

Her figure is kind of...

and her hair is all...

She's a good housekeeper.

Look, honey, I think I see her
coming.

Now, will you run along, dear?

All right.

And call me at the club.
Don't forget.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

ETHEL: Is that you, Lucy?

Oh, I beg your pardon, madam,

but you're in the wrong apartment.

It's me.

Who?

Lucy!

Lucy?!

How's the baby?

He's fine. Oh, Lucy!

You died your hair black and cut it
all off short.

Oh! It looks wonderful!

It's a wig.

A wig?

Oh... what a difference.

I honestly didn't know you.

You're not the only one.

Who else?

A certain Cuban with big brown eyes

that are soon to be black.

The details, the details.

Well, Bert tried this wig on me,

and nobody recognized me,

so I figured I'd have a little fun
with Ricky.

You know, I thought if he might like
the haircut,

he'd let me have my hair cut

and everything would be
hotsie-totsie.

Well?

Things were never so coldsie-toldsie.

Why? What happened?

Well, I borrowed these clothes...

Those clothes!

No wonder I didn't know you.

Neither did Ricky.

I flirted with him a little

and what do you think he had the
nerve to do?

What?

He flirted back.

I'll bet he knew it was you all the
time.

He did not.

He leered at me and called me "honey"

in a tone that I haven't heard

since the day before we got married.

And then he told me to call him at
the club.

And get this bit--

Said he wanted to "tich" me to rumba.

And then he said, run along

because his wife was coming along--

or, as I am more commonly known,

"the old battle-ax."

Well, it's a terrible thing to say
about anybody,

but I guess Ricky's just a man.

Yeah, well, I'll get even with him.

What are you going to do?

I'll leave him!

No. That's probably what he wants.

Yeah. Stay married to him.
That'll teach him.

Yeah.

Well, I'll think of something.

Hey, Lucy.

What?

Do me a favor, will ya?

What?

Lend me that wig.

What for?

I want to try it on Fred.

Oh, he'd look great in it.

No, I mean, I want to see if he'd
recognize me with it on.

Look out. That's how I got into
trouble.

That's the kind of trouble I want.

I want something to hold over his
head.

Well...

Come on, loan me the wig, huh?

Okay.

Have you got a dress that will fit
me?

You think he'll recognize yours?

I think so, considering I only have
one.

Come on, I'll find you something.

Okay.

Yeah, Fred, it's the basin.

Well, it's all stopped up.

Would you come over and fix it?

Thank you.

Ethel?

(wolf whistle)

Did you call me, darling?

Wow!

I called Fred.

I told him the basin was all stopped
up.

He's coming right over.

That's great.

Gee, turn around.
Let me look at you.

When I tell Fred who you are,

he's going to beg you to have your
hair cut like that.

You really think so?

Yeah. How you going to act?

Well, I thought I'd sort of flirt
with him.

You know, act coy and bat my eyes.

And then if he responds, I'll lower
the boom on him.

(doorbell buzzes)

Hi, Fred.

Hi, Lucy.

Which sink is it?

The one in the bathroom.

Oh.

Hi, Ethel.

Ethel, what in Sam Hill have you done
to your hair?

It's a wig.

Huh? We've been married for 25 years

and now she tells me she wears a wig!

Oh, go fix the plumbing.

Now I'll never know whether I'm
married to a masher or not.

I wish I didn't know.

I'm sorry.

I brought the wrong wrench.

Ethel, why don't you take off that
silly-looking toupee?

This is that new Italian haircut.

Well, on you it looks like Life with
Luigi.

He'll never fall for another woman.

I just don't have that kind of luck.

Ethel, do you really want to put him
to the test?

Do I?
What do you suggest?

Well, when I arrange my rendezvous
with Ricky,

I'll suggest he make it a double
date.

Yeah?

I'll ask him if he has a friend.

Yeah?

I'll tell him I have a friend

who's looking for an older man.

Older than Fred?

You know what I mean?

He'll bring Fred, all right.

Oh, how we gonna keep him from
recognizing me?

He just did.

Oh, I don't know.

Honestly.

Hey! I know the wardrobe woman in a
Broadway review!

She could let me have something--

maybe an entirely different kind of a
wig

and a...
and another sort of an outfit.

Yeah, maybe you could wear different
makeup or something.

Oh, sure. I'll bet she'll loan me
anything I want.

I'm going to call her and see.

Oh, I hope so.

Gee, that's a wonderful idea.

Hello.

Hello, is Mother Carroll there?

May I speak to her, please?

Maybe she could get me one of those
showgirl outfits,

you know, with a great big hat...

Hello? Mother Carroll?

This is Ethel. Mertz.

Yeah, listen, I'm in an awful jam.

Could you loan me a wig

and some sort of costume, an outfit,
to wear?

Tonight.

Well, just for one night.

No. We wouldn't need it till after
the show.

You could? Oh, fine.

What have you got?

Huh?

What'd she say?

Well, I got three choices:

a Japanese geisha girl

or an American Indian

or an Eskimo.

An Eskimo?

Yeah...

Huh?

Oh, oh, all right, honey.

We'll be down at the theater.

Thanks a lot.

She says to come on down.

She can get some sort of an outfit
together.

Yeah, they got a lot of costumes down
there.

Look, now, I'll call Ricky

and tell him we'll meet him at
Tony's--

the little Italian restaurant.

Yeah, great.

Sit down, please.

Tell me, Fred,

what are you going to be doing about
2:00 a.m.?

Well, snoring my head off.

Why?

Can I talk you out of it?

I don't think so, Rick.

I've been going to bed at 10:00 for
ten years.

Uh, I really need the rest.

(chuckling)

Well, that's too bad.

What did you have in mind?

I could make a date for you with a
beautiful girl.

Where will I meet you?

You changed your mind in an awful
hurry.

What happened to this rest you've
been getting for years?

Well, what do you think I've been
resting up for?

Uh, look, I made a date this
afternoon.

You?

Yeah. I made a date this afternoon

with a beautiful brunette with a
short Italian haircut.

(wolf whistle)

And, uh, she called me at the club

and she said she has a girlfriend

and they want to make it a double
date.

And this girlfriend told me... told
her...

that she prefers the more
sophisticated, older-type men.

(British accent): Well, how do you
do, my dear?

I am delighted to meet you.

(normal voice): Hey, what is this?

You've never done anything like this
before.

Oh, Lucy knows all about it.

Oh... What?!

You see, the brunette with the
Italian haircut

is Lucy with a wig.

Huh?

She borrowed the wig from a beauty
parlor.

Oh... then your date is really going
to be Lucy.

That's right.

And I got a slight hunch

that the girlfriend she's bringing
along is Ethel.

On second thought, Rick, I need my
rest.

Now, since when have you been too
tired

to play a trick on Ethel?

Well, if you're going to put it that
way

I can't hardly resist.

Okay, now, here's what I want you to
do...

Uh, good night, honey.

I got to go to work.

Good night.

Anything you want me to get before I
go?

No.

Uh, something I can bring you?

Just bring yourself home, I'll be
satisfied.

Well, good-bye, dear.

Good-bye.

I just saw Ricky leave.

Fred's getting ready.

Good, then he fell for it.

Oh, he says he has to sit up tonight
with a sick friend.

Well, that "sick friend" is going to
be a lot sicker

when I get through with him.

I wish you could have seen Fred
getting dressed.

I haven't seen him move that fast

since he backed into a hot radiator
in his union suit.

Well, I knew it, Ethel.

He's just as bad as Ricky is.

Oh, I can hardly wait till we meet
them.

Say, what are we going to do till
2:00?

Well, we have to go down to the
theater

and pick up your costume.

I'll go get Mrs. Trumbull to take
care of little Ricky.

Maybe we can go to a midnight movie.

Great.

Now, Ethel, whatever you do, don't...

Come on!

Come on, Ethel.

You look fine.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I'm just not going to go in there.

Now, Ethel, believe me.

You look exotic, exciting.

Now, you look fine.

Only to a Japanese Eskimo.

Well, We're not going to back out
now. Come on.

If I could have just got one complete
outfit that fit.

But you know this is silly.

Come on.
Come on, now, Ethel.

Come on. Come on.

They're not here.

Well, come on, sit down.

Take off your coat.

No.

Take off your coat.

You look more conspicuous with it on

than you would with it off.

That's what you think.

You look like an ad for a trip around
the world.

That does it, brother.

I'm not going any farther...
Now, come on, Ethel,

sit down here.

Now, sit down.

This thing is alive.

Oh, dear, it's 20 after 2:00.

Are you sure they said "Tony's"?

I'm positive.

Oh, waiter, pardon me, please.

Yes, ma'am.

We have an appointment with a couple
of gentlemen.

Have you seen them?

What do they look like?

Well, one is tall, dark and handsome

and speaks with an accent.

And the other is, um...

uh...

the other is, uh...

There's one way to say it-- short,
fat and bald.

Oh, yeah, they were here.

Were here?

There were two young ladies sitting
at that table.

Beautiful-- a blonde and a redhead.

They got talking

and then they all got up

and left together.

Oh, Ethel...

Oh, Lucy...

It's all our fault.

If we hadn't made a date to meet them
here,

they wouldn't have met those other
girls.

Yes.

You know what?

I wish I was dead.

You know what?

I wish you was dead, too.

Me?

Well, you started all of this.

Well, let's not fight each other.

We're all we've got.

Yeah. Well...

(both sniffling)

Come on, let's go home.

All right.

Are you free tonight, girls?

Ricky!

Were you expecting an older man?

Fred!

Listen, let's get out of here, girls,

before my wife shows up-- that old
battle-ax.

Oh, so you were playing a little
trick.

You think you're very clever, don't
you?

Come on, Ethel.

Ricky!
Fred!

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.