I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 25 - Lucy's Club Dance - full transcript

Lucy asks for Ricky's help with her inept all-girl orchestra.

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

(women chattering)

Girls... girls...

(pounding gavel)

Girls, come on.

Girls, let's get on with the meeting.

But, Madam President, Marion hasn't
finished

her story about Jim and Dorothy Winn.

It is not our concern if Jim and
Dorothy Winn

had a knock-down, drag-out fight.



This is the Wednesday Afternoon Fine
Arts League.

We do not meet to gossip.

Since when?

Girls, girls.

Oh, yes.

Is there any unfinished business?

The chair recognizes Lucy Ricardo.

Marion, did Jim really give Dorothy a
black eye?

Oh, Lucy.

Lucy.

Well, that was unfinished business.

Oh, sit down.

Well, if there's no more unfinished
business,

I have an important announcement to
make.



We only have $1.14 in the treasury,

so I hereby declare

the Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts
League

in a state of emergency.

You can say that again.

We have to get some money in the
treasury

and we have to get it there fast.

The chair entertains ideas on just
how to do this.

The chair recognizes Caroline
Appleby.

Well, there's one thing we've never
done

and it usually works pretty good.

What's that?

How about giving a dance?

A dance!

That's a wonderful idea.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

And I am sure I can get Bill to let
us use

his lodge hall for nothing.

And we can decorate it ourselves

and we can all pitch in and make
punch.

And we can charge five dollars a
couple

and make a fortune.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

We have forgotten one very important
item.

Well, I don't know what.

We got the hall, we got the
refreshments,

we got the decorations.

What else do you need for a dance?

An orchestra.

Oh, gee, you couldn't get much of an
orchestra

for $1.14, could you?

Maybe we could buy ten kazoos and
play them ourselves.

Oh, that was a good idea.

What a shame.

Hey! Wait a minute.

We forgot about me.

I'm married to an orchestra.

Oh, but, Lucy, Ricky wouldn't play
for us

for nothing, would he?

Of course he would.
All I'd have to do is ask him.

And you know what he'd say?

Yeah, and I don't want to hear it.

Now, Ethel, you know he'd love to do
it.

And listen, if we get them

we can use a Latin- American theme.

Ooh, we can call it "A Night in
Havana."

With those hats and cucarachas...

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Shh.

Hello, dear.

Hi. Yeah, the meeting's going on
right now, dear.

That's what I called you about.

Listen, the girls are going to give a
big benefit dance.

Well, the benefit is for us.

Yeah. Yeah, well, so I told the girls
that you'd be glad

to play for us for nothing.

(Ricky yelling in Spanish)

Yeah, well, good-bye, dear.

Where do we go to get the kazoos?

Well, that was a nice idea.

Now what will we do to raise money?

Gosh, I didn't think he'd do it,
though.

Wait a minute.

Why can't we form our own orchestra?

Ethel, you play the piano, don't you?

A little.

I can fool around on the drums.

And Neeva Summer plays the violin.

And Marie Deemo plays the trumpet.

Well, we all play something, so why
not?

Oh, do you really think we could form
our own orchestra?

Sure, we could.

We're in great shape.

Uh, nobody mentioned it, but I just
take for granted

that you want me to be star soloist
on my saxophone.

Well, the orchestra idea's out.

Any other ideas Now, Ethel.

on how to raise some money?

Listen, you haven't even heard them
play

and you want them in the orchestra.

Why don't you want me?

I've heard you play.

Well, thanks.

I've never heard her.
How does she play, Ethel?

When Lucy plays the saxophone,

it sounds like a moose with a head
cold.

I heard her play "Glow Worm" once

and no way...

Now, listen, just for that I wouldn't
be in your orchestra

if you begged me.

Ah, you really mean that, Lucy?

Yes, I do.

Good. Now, if you'll get all your
instruments

and come up to my apartment...

(all talking)

(piano playing slow scales)

(stumbling over keys)

(hitting off-key notes)

Hi, Rick.

Hi, Fred.

Here's the light bulb

you wanted for your bathroom.

I was wondering how you stood

Ethel's piano playing.

I said, I was wondering

how you stood Ethel's piano playing!

Yeah, ain't that awful?

She's been going at it since 8:00
this morning.

You know, I may have to soundproof

this whole darn building.

That orchestra they're forming

is liable to set music back 50 years.

(piano playing stops)

Well, she stopped.

She stopped.

Good. Maybe the piano lid fell on her
fingers.

Boy, you ought to be glad Lucy's not
practicing

on that saxophone of hers.

Yeah, and I don't get it.

But I'd be a fool to ask.

Yeah, well, I can tell you why.

The other girls don't want her in the
band.

Oh, that's it, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, hi, Fred.

Hi, Lucy.

I heard your wife practicing on the
piano.

Yeah, you and everybody else in the
neighborhood.

I hope it didn't bother you.

Oh, no, it didn't bother me a bit. I
like it.

You're bighearted considering

Ethel helped kick you out of the
band.

Well, yes, I am bighearted.

I even lent her our piano.

Besides, I'm back in the band.

Oh, Ethel didn't tell me that.

She doesn't know yet.

What do you mean, Lucy?

Well, I have a plan,

and all I need is the help

of my dear, sweet, orchestra-leader
husband.

I knew I should not ask.

Now, Ricky, listen to me.

Hey, you should have told me

about these before.

They work great.

I can't hear a word she's saying.

Now, Ricky, you stop that.

Now, Lucy...

Now, the least you can do

is listen to my plan.

Oh, well, I guess I might as well
listen

to whatever it is I'm not going to
do.

Look, all you have to do

is rehearse our orchestra

for one or two twiddly little hours.

Nothing doing.
Not me.

But, honey, you just have to.

I can make a deal with them.

They get to work with a famous
conductor

and I get to be in the band.

Well, you just deal me out of your
deal.

Oh, now, Ricky, please.

Nothing doing.

Honey, now I'm not asking very
much...

What do you mean?

I'd spend two hours with a bunch of
women...

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

(whistles)

Hold it. Hold it, will you?
Hold it!

Now, listen, kids.

I've known both of you for 13 years

and I've seen and listened to a lot
of discussions.

So?

Now you're going to harangue about
this, aren't you, Lucy?

Yes, I am.

And you're going to nag him.

Well, yes.

And if that don't work, you're going
to wheedle.

Probably.

You might even cry.

If all else fails.

And eventually, Ricky, you're going
to give in.

Oh, I don't know.

Not necessarily.

Oh, you always do.

Now why don't you save

the wear and tear on your nerves,

to say nothing of my nerves.

Why don't you do what she wants?

Yeah.

You know something?

I think you're right.

Good.

Thanks, Fred, for saving me so much
trouble.

That's all right.

Honey, you can rehearse us tomorrow
afternoon.

I'll go practice on my saxophone.

Saxophone...

Give me those!

Now come on, Fred, you had them all
day.

Get your own set.

(saxophone wailing off-key)

(tuning up)

That's it.

(playing note repeatedly)
(playing off-key notes)

That's it, that's it.
Jane?

(playing note repeatedly)
(playing off-key notes)

(playing same pitch as piano)

Ah, I knew you had one there
someplace.

Now... now, we're all tuned up.

Let's start.

One...

two...

(playing slowly and off-key)

(continues playing slowly and
off-key)

ETHEL: Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

(music stops)

"Twelfth Street Rag" never sounded
like that before.

Oh, is that what it was?

Oh, hi, Lucy.
Hi, Lucy.

Well, if it isn't Ethel Mertz

and her makes-you-want-to-stick-
your-fingers-in-your-ears music.

Oh, come on, now, no use being sore

just 'cause we won't let you play
with the orchestra.

Yeah, it's just sour grapes.

Listen, grapes aren't the only thing
that's sour around here.

(all talking over each other)

You know what you need, don't you?

What?

You need a professional orchestra
leader to help you.

And out of the goodness of my heart,

I have arranged for Ricky to come
over here and help you out.

Really, Lucy?

Oh, that's wonderful.

I'll go and get him right now.

Oh!

MARION: Oh!

Oh, boy!

Now I know the newspapers will give
us a lot of space.

Look out for a trick.

Oh, Ethel Mertz, I'm surprised at
you.

I think it's very nice of Lucy to get
Ricky

to come down here and help us,

especially when we're not going to
let her be in our orchestra.

Listen, I know that redhead,

and I still say look out for a trick.

Oh, this will make a wonderful
publicity spread.

Listen, I'm going to run down

and tell the paper.
See you all later!

ALL: Bye, Marion.

Maybe we'd better start this again.

Yeah.

I think with a little more
practice...

(loud, off-key saxophone playing)

(playing loudly and off-key)

Where will I sit?

I told you to look out for a trick.

To get Ricky, we have to take her.

Now, listen, Ethel,

from the way this group sounded a
minute ago,

one more bum note isn't gonna hurt
it.

You know, she's got a point there.

Well, okay.

Where will I sit?

Anywhere at all.

Give me my music.

I'm looking for it.

I didn't know we were going to have a
saxophone.

Oh.

ETHEL: Try to get that just the
way...

Hi, girls.

Oh, hi, dear.

I think you know the girls, don't
you?

Remember Marie, Yeah, sure.

Jane Beebo?
Hello.

How are you?
Hi, Ricky.

Oh, Ricky, it's so nice of you to
come down

and help us like this.

Yeah, well, yeah, I like to help the
women's clubs

as much as I can, you know.

Oh.

(chuckling politely)

Uh, what are you rehearsing?

"Twelfth Street Rag."

Oh, "Twelfth Street Rag." Uh-huh.

Well, that's a nice, bright tune.

Shall we take it Yeah. from the
top?

ALL: Yeah!

Okay, I'll give you the tempo, huh?

All right.
It's right about...

Right in here, see?

All right, okay.
Right about this tempo.

Okay? Here we go.

One, two...

(playing slowly and discordantly)

Girls, girls, girls.

(saxophone playing raucously)

Girls!

RICKY: Please.
What's the matter?

This is supposed to be bright and
with a bounce.

That's right.

It sounds more like a funeral

coming down 12th Street.

Oh, now, Ricky...
Aw...

Look, this is the way it's supposed
to go.

(fingers snapping)
Right in here, see?

ALL: Oh!

We can do that.
Sure.

Okay?

Uh-huh.
Sure.

All right, I'll give you two.
Uh-huh.

(fingers snapping)
One, two...

(playing slowly and discordantly)

(continue playing slowly and
discordantly)

Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait.
(hitting sour note)

Wait...

Lucy, I think you were playing the
wrong note.

I am?

Well, it's kind of hard to tell, but
I think it was you, yeah.

Now, can we all take, uh...

Let's see, the-the first note in the
third bar.

ETHEL: Huh?
Okay.

At the same time.
Now, wait a minute.

Are you ready?

Everybody together.

Here we go.

(Lucy hitting wrong note)

See, it wasn't me.

Lucy...

What?

Are you playing an F sharp?

Well, I'm not sure.

What do you mean, you're not sure?

Well, are you talking about the fat,
little, white note

or the black one with the wiggly
tail?

The black one with the wiggly tail.

Oh.

Well, what about it?

Is it an F or an F sharp?

Oh.

How can you tell?

If it's an F sharp, it has a little
sign by it.

Oh, you mean the lopsided
tic-tac-toe?

Ay, que barbaridad...
lopsided tic-tac-toe.

Yeah, that's an F sharp.

Oh, well, live and learn.

I'm sorry.
I'll do it right next time.

"F" sharp, oh.

All right, now, let's take it all
together, huh?

Try to get this.

I tell you what, look, look.

I got an idea.

You take the first bar on the piano,
Ethel.

All right.
And then you come in

the second bar on the violin.

Lucy, you come in the third bar

and then you finish it, Carolyn, all
right?

Yeah.
Sort of an arrangement.

Yeah, yeah.

Here we go.

One, two...

(piano playing very slowly)

(trombone plays an off-key note)

(playing very slowly)

(plays one off-key note)

(playing slowly and off-key)

(cymbal crashing)

Ah, we did it!

(all chattering excitedly)

Girls, please!

Girls, please, don't stop!

But we were so good.

Yeah, I know, you were wonderful,

but let's, uh, let's try to do the
whole number once,

you know, all the way to the end,

Yeah. just once,

even if it kills us...

and it probably will.

Let's go...
from the top, everybody.

One, two...

(piano, saxophone and trombone
playing extremely slowly)

(plays one off-key note)

(playing slowly)

(plays one off-key note)

(playing slowly and raucously)

Hey!

Oh!

(playing slowly and discordantly)

(band playing lively version of
"Twelfth Street Rag")

(music)

Yeah!

(music)

(music)

(song ends)

Oh!

Oh, wonderful!

Now, girls, you heard that--

my boys-- the way that my boys
played.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Now, that's the way that it's
supposed to sound.

Okay.
Oh, sure!

You think you got it now?

ETHEL: Oh, sure!

Okay, let them try once, huh?

ETHEL: Okay.

Okay.
All right, girls.

You go back and you try it again.

ETHEL: Oh, that was good.

Oh, boy.

ETHEL: Oh, it makes you want to play
it right, doesn't it?

(women chattering)
Okay.

Oh, boy.

All right.

Now, let me hear it just that way,
now.

ETHEL: Yes, sir.

Okay, I'll give you two.

One, two...

(playing slowly and off-key)

(humming "Twelfth Street Rag")

Choo!

Lucy...

Yeah... oh.

Honey, I forgot.

I promise, I will never hum, whistle,
sing or reproduce

in any manner "Twelfth Street Rag"

in your presence as long as I live.

Good.

(telephone ringing)

Hello.

Lucy? Thank goodness, you're still
alive.

What?

Has Ricky read the morning paper yet?

Yeah. Why?

Has he seen the last page?

No. Why?

Don't let him. Grab it.

Kick it out of his hand or something.

What's the matter?

There's a big picture of Ricky

on the last page

and an article, from which I quote,

"Ricky Ricardo, well-known
entertainer

"has formed a brand-new, all-girl
orchestra

and will have its world premiere..."

Oh, no.

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

What's the matter?
What's the mat...

Oh, yeah, I'll tell you what's the
matter.

Well?

Uh... I know.

Um, Ethel just told me about a-a sale
on a dress

that I paid full price for yesterday
downtown.

Let me see the paper.

Wait a minute.
I'm reading about the fights.

Uh...

"Continued on the back page."

Uh, I can't wait!

This is just terrible.

They can't do a thing like that to
me.

I don't have enough money to spend

and they made me pay full prize for
it!

(Lucy grumbling)

Lucy!

Yeah?

You bring that paper back here right
now.

Okay.

It wasn't the same dress after all.

Lucy!

Yes, sir?

Oh, you got your picture in the
paper.

It isn't a very good likeness.

Lucy...

Yes, sir?

Somebody opened a hole in this paper.

Why, so they did.

Did you do it?

Oh, honey, you know, I wouldn't open
a hole in your paper

when I know you haven't even read it.

Well, if you didn't do it, and I
didn't do it

who dood it?

Maybe it was a mouse.

A redheaded mouse?

Well...

Hey, Rick.

Yeah, Fred?

I was reading about the fights

in this paper of mine

and I find that half the back page is
cut out.

Let me have a look at yours, will
you?

Yours, too?

Well, what do you make of this?

That mouse sure gets around, doesn't
he?

I don't know about the mouse,

but I can sure smell a rat.

Fred, would you like to get your coat

and take a stroll down to the corner
newsstand with me?

I will.

We'll find out what's cooking around
here.

Ethel, come over and take care of
little Ricky right away.

It's an emergency.

Hey!

Well, I spoke to Ethel about that
paper

before I went in to see you, but she
just played dumb...

which wasn't too hard for her to do.

Well, we'll find out now what's going
on.

What is this?

I don't know.

They're all the same.

You don't suppose it's some kind of
an ad, do you?

No.

Look, I want to find out what was...

what's been cut out of this paper.

I'll tell you what, let's go down
next block.

There's another newsstand down there.

All right.

Oh, I think that's the afternoon
edition.

Paper! Paper!

Get your morning paper!

Get your morning paper!

Read all about it!

The morning paper...

(Ricky yelling in Spanish)

(yelling in Spanish)

(yelling in Spanish)

Oh, now, Ricky, calm down.

Calm down? Have you read this thing?

Oh, yeah, but it wasn't Lucy's fault.

Marion Strong put that in the paper.

It was Lucy's fault for getting me
involved in this thing

at the very beginning

Well, I won't do it.

Oh, Marion called up

and said they'd sold hundreds of
tickets

ever since that article appeared.

Well, I don't care.

I am not going to be publicly
responsible

for your sour sextet.

(telephone ringing)

Hello.

Yeah.

What?!

(slamming down phone)

Good news, dear?

That was my agent.

LUCY: Oh?

Yes. And he read the paper.

Yeah.

In the paper, he read that I was
going to appear

with an all-girl orchestra,

and he thinks that that is a
wonderful idea.

So, he has arranged it with a
television station

to put it on TV.

TV? Oh...

Oh, TV.

Oh. Oh, TV.

Somebody better think of a way out of
this

if she wants to keep her pretty,
little neck

in one piece.

And think fast.

Well, we sold all the tickets.

This place is jammed.

I know, but do you think it'll work?

We'll find out right now.

I'll make ETHEL: the
announcement. Okay.

(applause)

(applause subsiding)

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts
League takes pride

in presenting Mr. Ricky Ricardo and
his all-girl orchestra.

(applause)

(applause continuing)

(playing "Twelfth Street Rag")

("Twelfth Street Rag" continuing)

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu
Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.