I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 24 - Lucy Writes a Novel - full transcript
Lucy's novel - a thinly disguised story of her life and the people in it - upsets Ricky, Fred, and Ethel.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing?
Writing a novel.
Oh. I brought back the magazine I...
A novel?!
Yeah. I found this in the paper this
morning.
"Housewife wins $10,000 prize for
first novel."
Need I say more?
Yes.
Well, I'm a housewife.
Oh, well, I think it takes a little
more than that
to write a novel.
What are you going to write about?
I'm writing about things I know.
That won't be a novel, that'll be a
short story.
One more remark like that
and I'll kill you off in chapter one.
Oh, am I going to be in it?
Sure. We all are-- you, Ricky, Fred,
me--
not under our own names, of course.
Now then...
(sighs)
What are you doing?
I'm studying you.
Huh?
Ethel, what makes you tick?
Tick?
What makes you you?
Me me?
Yeah.
Lucy, I don't think I'm going to like
this.
Ethel, you don't seem to realize what
this means.
My novel may turn out to be another
Gone With The Wind.
If it does, that makes you Scarlett
O'Hara.
Me?!
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, if you want to know what I'm
really like,
I'm deeper than most people think.
On the surface, I'm carefree and
happy,
but deep down inside, I'm intense and
moody.
I'm sensitive.
I feel things.
What's the matter, Ethel?
You got a stomachache?
Well, if it isn't Rhett Butler.
Why don't you find out what makes him
tick?
He creaks a little, too.
What's going on in this booby hatch?
"Booby hatch"!
That's good. I'll use it.
Ethel, what is all this?
Lucy's writing a novel, and we're all
gonna be in it!
You mean she's writing a novel this
very minute?
Yeah.
No kidding?
Yeah.
Well, well...
What's going on?
Lucy's writing a novel.
Oh.
What?!
She's writing a novel, and we're all
in it.
Are you kidding?
You're really writing a novel?
Yes, and I'm glad you're up.
There are a few questions I'd like to
put to you.
All right... put.
What was your reaction
when you came to this country for the
first time?
"A lonely immigrant
arriving in New York Harbor on a
cattle boat."
You crazy or something?
You know darn well I came here by
plane--
from Havana to Miami Beach-- and I
wasn't lonely;
I had 14 musicians with me.
Not in my book, you didn't.
"As your leaky Cuban cattle boat
steamed into New York Harbor,
"tears cascaded down your cheeks
"as you saw the Statue of Liberty for
the first time.
"You clutched your knapsack to you--
"your pitiful little bundle
"that contained all your worldly
belongings--
"and you wept unashamedly.
"You made a vow
"that someday you would be a famous
orchestra leader.
"You promised yourself
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait!
"that never...
Wait, wait!
Wait, wait!
never would you..."
Wait, wait, wait.
Is this the kind of stuff you're
writing about?
Yeah. Pretty good, huh?
But, honey, it isn't true.
Ricky, that's what writers do.
They take the truth and twist it a
little.
Well, if your book doesn't sell,
you can always get a job making
pretzels.
I think we'd better take a look
at what she's writing about.
Yeah, I want to see how she's
twisting me.
Yeah.
Just a moment.
A writer's work is sacred.
You can read it when it becomes a
best seller.
And now, if you'll excuse me,
the muse calls, and I must answer.
Yep, it's not here.
Well, I can't find it.
ETHEL: It's not in here.
Well, we looked all over this place
and the other room.
Let's go and look in the kitchen.
All right.
Okay.
It's got to be here someplace.
Fred, if you were Lucy's novel, where
would you go?
Oh, I'd run down in the basement and
jump in the furnace.
Aah, come on, this is silly.
It's got to be here someplace.
RICKY: Look under the sink, will you?
Oh, okay.
I'll give you some light.
FRED: Yeah, that'll help.
I got it!
What?
What?
She had it in the blind!
She had it up there in the blind!
Oh, my heavens.
Oh, God, come on...
In the blind.
Oh, boy.
How cute can you be?
Now we'll get this all straightened
out here.
Listen to this.
I got the title.
Real Gone With The Wind.
Real gone.
(guffawing)
Don't you love that.
Here's the first page.
"Now it can be told for the first
time
"how I, Lucille Mcgillicuddy,
"gave up a brilliant career in the
theater
"to marry a poor and unknown bongo
player...
"This, then, will be the story
"of one of the brightest lights in
show business
and how she dimmed her bulb."
Oh, brother!
(guffawing)
"Dimmed her bulb!"
Wait a minute.
Wait, I got something here.
Listen to this.
"Later, we moved to an apartment on
East 68th Street.
"It was there that I met Ethel Nurtz,
our landlady.
Ethel Nurtz?
That must be misspelled.
No, she said she wasn't gonna use our
real names.
Well, nobody'd know who Ethel Nurtz
is.
Oh, no.
No.
Let me go on here.
Get the rest of it.
"It was there I met our landlady,
Ethel Nurtz.
"We became the very best of friends
"in spite of the great difference in
our ages.
"As the years went along,
"I came to think of her not just as a
friend,
not just as a neighbor, but as a
mother."
A mother?!
It says so!
(laughing uncontrollably)
I don't think that's so funny.
Oh, no, I think it's kind of good.
Go ahead and laugh.
(laughing)
(laughing)
Well, ha-ha-ha, listen to this.
"A colorful character in our
neighborhood
was a funny old coot named Fred
Nurtz."
Shall I go on?
No.
Go on.
"He was really a nice person if you
had the time and energy
"to look beneath his rough and grumpy
exterior.
"The best thing about Fred was that
when you met him,
you understood why Ethel was like she
was."
What does that mean?
I don't know, but I'll bet it's
insulting.
Yeah.
Now, come on, don't be such bad
sports.
You're being too sensitive.
Oh, we're being sensitive.
Sure.
Wait till you get to the part...
Go on, find something about yourself.
Yeah, let's get a page...
We'll see how sensitive you are.
Okay.
"Mother,"
"difference in our ages."
Whoo. Here's something.
Here's something right here.
"The greatest day of my life
"was the day I was married to Nicky
Nicardo.
Nick...
Nicky Nicardo?
I wonder who she means.
Oh, I wouldn't know.
"Although Nicky was an unknown
when I married him..."
(clears throat)
"...he soon became one of the
country's
leading Latin-American entertainers."
That doesn't make me mad.
No, no.
Shouldn't.
"His voice charmed millions.
His guitar-playing made women swoon."
You know, she writes very well.
"His voice charmed millions.
"His guitar-playing made women swoon.
So it was a small wonder that..."
Where's page 12?
Page 12.
Let's find it.
I got it.
I got it.
Good.
What did that say?
"His voice charmed millions.
"His guitar-playing made women swoon.
"So it was a small wonder that...
"...he turned into such a big ham,
you could stuff him with clove."
(guffawing)
Now, that is not funny.
It's not funny at all. No, sir.
I think we'd better read this novel
from beginning to end right now.
I want the whole thing, the whole
thing.
I want to read the whole thing.
Makes a nice fire, doesn't it?
Uh-huh.
Well, hi, everybody.
RICKY: Hi.
Hello.
Hello.
How come you got a fire on a nice day
like this?
Well, it makes it so comfy-like.
There's nothing like a good book and
a roaring fire.
(Ethel laughing)
You mean a good book in a roaring
fire.
That's more like it.
Yeah.
(chuckling)
What are you three up to?
We pulled down the kitchen blind
and changed the name of your novel
to Forever Ember.
You didn't.
Well, the three little snoopers.
I trust you didn't have too much
trouble finding it.
Well, it wasn't easy.
First of all, we had to make
ourselves think the way you do.
That was an accomplishment in itself.
You know, the way that you wrote
about the Mertzes and me is really
something.
"A great difference in our ages."
Huh!
"Funny old coot."
"I'm such a ham, I should go lie down
between two pieces of rye bread."
My book isn't even published yet and
already I'm being misquoted.
Thanks to us, your book will never be
published.
But don't worry, it went out in a
blaze of glory.
Yep, you wrote a red-hot novel.
(chuckling): That's where I got...
"A blaze of glory."
"A red-hot novel."
"A blaze of glory." That's...
You're all very smug, aren't you?
If I'd known the type of people that
I was dealing with,
I'd have made a carbon copy.
Yes, that would have been very
clever.
Yes. Mm.
As a matter of fact, I do know
the type of people that I'm dealing
with.
Pardon me.
Pardon me, please. Pardon.
Pardon me, please.
Pardon.
Pardon me.
Pardon, please.
Let's see.
I think that's all.
One, two, three-- yes.
Not counting the one that I sent
to Dorrance & Company Publishers.
See you around the bookstores.
Oh, darn it!
(door slamming)
Don't tell me you've been down there
looking for that mailman again.
Yes, I have.
You'd think
he'd be early just this once
when he knows that I'm waiting
for a letter from my publisher.
Lucy, you really don't think
anyone's gonna publish that book of
yours, do you?
You don't, do you?
If I had the slightest idea
that anyone would ever consider it,
I'd be down at the publisher's with
my lawyer right now.
You wait.
You'll eat those words.
If anybody ever publishes that book,
I'll eat my hat.
(doorbell buzzing)
Oh...
Registered letter.
Dorrance & Dorrance Publishers!
Will you sign here, please?
Please.
Yeah. Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's here! It's here!
This is it. I got it.
They din't.
Oh, "din't" they?
They're gonna publish my book
and they sent me a hundred- dollar
advance royalty!
Be my guest.
(crunching)
(crunching)
Darlings, wait till you hear!
I had the most wonderful idea for a
sequel to my first novel.
It's all about a little boy
who runs away from a plantation in
Cuba.
I'm calling it Sugarcane Mutiny.
Sweet.
Lucy?
Yes, sir.
We have something to say to you.
Yes, darling?
Fred and Ethel and I just had a
conference.
Oh.
Nothing personal, dear,
but we're suing you for libel.
You're suing me?!
For every cent I've got.
Well, I can't believe it.
You're suing me-- your wife, your
best friend?
Yup. We three are suing
little old loveable, libelous Lucy.
Well, if that's the way you feel
about it.
Too bad, though, considering
I was going to split the royalties
four ways.
FRED: Split the royalties?!
Yes, yes. I was saving that as sort
of a surprise.
Lucy, you know darn well that that
never occurred to you
until you found out that we were
going to sue.
Well, that was a surprise.
ETHEL: I still say sue her.
Sue her!
Oh, sewer, sewer!
Get your mind out of the gutter!
I don't want my name in that book.
Ethel, just think of the money.
Why, your share alone might be
$50,000.
Yeah, what's the matter with you,
Ethel?
It sounds all right to me.
Why, Fred, where's your pride?
Remember, she called you an old coot.
Listen, she can call me anything she
likes for $50,000
Honestly!
I'm in for a fourth, Lucy.
Well, this friend, neighbor and
mother is not.
Neither is the Cuban ham.
(doorbell buzzing)
Well!
Yes?
Mrs. Ricardo?
Yes, sir?
I'm Mr. Dorrance of Dorrance &
Company.
Oh! How do you do, Mr. Dorrance?
Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
Oh, this is Mr. Dorrance, my
publisher.
How do you do?
Mr. and Mrs. Mertz.
How are you?
And this is my husband,
Mr. Ricardo.
How do you do?
Mr. Dorrance, my publisher.
Won't you sit down, sir?
Thank you.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, Mr. Dorrance, this is such a
surprise.
I'm so pleased to meet you.
It certainly is a wonderful thrill
to have my book published for the
first time.
Well, Mrs. Ricardo,
ordinarily, I don't handle these
things myself.
But in your case, I thought I ought
to come out
and talk to you myself.
Oh, really?
Yes. Mrs. Ricardo,
last week my secretary got married.
Oh. Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
Anyway, for the last few days,
she hasn't had her mind on her work,
and somehow, she got your name
on someone else's manuscript.
You mean...
she made a mistake?
That's right.
And when I wrote to you,
asking to publish your novel,
I was referring to someone else's
work entirely.
Oh.
I was just sick when I found out
about it,
so I sat down and read your novel.
I know how disheartening this is
to someone who is just starting to
write,
and I can't tell you how sorry I am
that it happened.
Oh, well, then this means you won't
be publishing...?
I'm sorry,
but it isn't quite
what we're looking for right now.
Oh.
Well, I-I guess you want your check
back, then.
No, please. We'd like you
to keep it for all of the heartaches
we've given you.
Oh, no.
No, I couldn't accept it.
I wish you would.
Oh, no. I couldn't.
Well, I could accept $25 of it.
Well, good-bye.
Uh... thank you for coming over, Mr.
Dorrance.
I'm awfully sorry.
It's all right.
Good-bye.
Thank you.
Oh, honey, don't feel so bad.
What does he know?
Oh, sure.
You wrote a wonderful novel full of
true-to-life characters.
RICKY: Yeah.
Yeah, come to think of it,
I really am a funny old coot.
Sure he is.
Sure. Sure.
Come on, honey, cry or something.
Don't just stand there looking like
that.
I can't take it.
I can't cry.
This is deeper than tears.
Oh, now, wait till you write your
second novel.
Why, Mr. Dorrance will come crawling
to buy it.
Yeah!
FRED: Sure, yeah, sure.
There'll be no second novel.
My voice has been stilled.
Aw, honey, don't cry.
Well, make up your mind.
You want me to cry or don't you?
I mean, it's nothing to get so upset
and sad about.
I'm not sad for myself.
I'm sad for the world.
Mankind will never benefit from these
immortal pages.
It isn't my loss, it's a loss to
civilization.
Too bad, world.
Too bad, mankind.
Sorry, book of the month.
You had your chance, Bennett Cerf!
You'll get no more books from me,
so go watch television!
Ricky, will you write a note to the
milkman for me?
Sure. Why don't you do it?
Please, I'm not writing anything
again as long as I live.
What do you want me to say?
Two quarts of milk and a pint of
cream.
Okay.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Oh, hello, Mr. Dorrance.
You did?
You do?
Oh, yes, sir.
First thing in the morning.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Mr. Mel Eaton. E-a-t-o-n.
Yes, sir.
Plaza 5-2-0-9-9.
Oh, yes. Yes, sir, I will.
First thing in the morning.
Oh, and thank you, sir.
Good-bye.
Ricky, that was Mr. Dorrance, my
publisher,
and he talked to a friend of his
who's a publisher
and he told this friend about my book
and he wants to see it.
He thinks he can use it.
Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
Isn't it great?
Wait a minute.
You tor...
What's the matter?
You tore up every copy you had.
Oh, well, we'll have to glue one
back together again.
Where is it?
I just took the trash down to the
basement.
Oh, Ricky, no!
I didn't know that...
Hey, you want to go to...
What time does Fred burn the trash?
Uh, uh, he's burning it right now.
No! No, Fred!
What's the matter?
Fred, hold everything!
Fred!
Hold everything!
Fred, hold everything!
What's the matter?
Have you burned the trash yet?
I just started.
Which one did you put it in, Ricky?
I-I put it in one of these.
Well, which one?!
I don't know. They all look the same
to me.
Don't just stand there, start
looking!
Okay.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, will
you?
What the Sam Hill's going on here?
Another publisher wants to publish
Lucy's novel,
and it's all in the trash, all
torn-up pieces.
Oh, this is the silliest thing I ever
heard of.
Pawing through trash from all the
apartments
trying to find two or three bits of
paper!
25% of it is yours!
Well, don't just stand there, start
looking!
Come on!
Want to try that there, huh?
RICKY: No, that's not it. No.
Oh, that fits there.
This goes right there.
Another one from here?
These must go over on the other side.
Take a look over there, will you?
Let's try it.
(Ricky grunts)
"Poor thing."
Well, that's 32.
I'm ready for 33.
I've got it here-- everything but one
little piece.
Ethel.
Huh?
See if you can find one that fits
this, will you?
What's it supposed to say?
Oh, right here. I got...
So far, I got "I thought about it at
night
"before going to bed, as I sat there,
brushing my..."
What follows, Lucy?
Naturally red hair.
"Naturally red hair"?
Why, I threw that away.
I didn't think that came from Lucy's
book.
Oh, come on, get it out of there
and bring it over here.
I'll try and find it.
I think I can find it.
Here it is!
ETHEL: He's got it.
Oh, good.
(stifling sneeze)
LUCY: Ricky, don't sneeze!
ETHEL: Oh, no! Oh, no, Ricky.
Ricky, don't sneeze!
Don't sneeze!
No, no!
Honey, don't sneeze.
Whatever you do, don't sneeze.
Okay.
(stifling sneeze)
Oh, hang on.
Take it easy, kid.
Hang on.
Take it easy.
Ah, that's my boy.
I knew you could do it.
Okay, I got that page for you, honey.
You're the wonderful...
Look out, honey!
(loud sneeze)
Oh, honey!
Lucy!
I'm sorry, Mr. Eaton,
but a $10,000 advance will not be
sufficient.
Huh?
Oh, Mr. Eaton.
Why do you have on your pajamas?
Honey, it's me, Ricky.
Wake up.
Oh. Oh.
Haven't you gone to bed yet?
No. I have to retype this so it'll be
neat.
(typing)
Honey, it's 9:30 in the morning!
You said you were coming right to
bed.
Come on, honey.
You got to get some rest.
Come on, sweetheart, honey.
What's the matter?
She's supposed to see Mr.
Eaton early this morning.
Well, she wanted to...
Yeah, I got to call Mr. Eaton.
I have to call Mr. Eaton right now.
ETHEL: What happened to her?
RICKY: Well, she wanted to retype the
novel so it'd look neat,
and she sat up all night
and typed the whole thing over again.
Oh, no.
RICKY: She hasn't gone to bed yet.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Oh, may I speak to Mr. Eaton, please?
This is Mr. Eaton speaking.
Oh, Mr. Eaton, This is Mrs. Ricardo.
I was supposed to bring a novel down
to you this morning.
Can I still come down?
Is it too late?
Why, of course, Mrs. Ricardo.
Come down any time you like.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Oh, uh, Mrs. Ricardo...
Yes, sir?
Did Mr. Dorrance tell you how I
wanted to use it?
How's that?
Mr. Dorrance, did he tell you how I
wanted to use it?
No, sir.
Well, I'd like very much
to print portions of it in a textbook
I'm preparing on how to write a
novel.
Oh!
Oh, he wants to print portions of it
in a textbook on how to write a
novel.
Go on, Mr. Eaton.
Well, I-I wish Mr. Dorrance had
mentioned this to you,
but, uh... it'll head up the chapter
entitled
"Don't let this happen to you."
Uh, it's going to head up the chapter
entitled
"Don't let this happen to you."
(laughing)
(wailing)
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu
Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week at this same
time.
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing?
Writing a novel.
Oh. I brought back the magazine I...
A novel?!
Yeah. I found this in the paper this
morning.
"Housewife wins $10,000 prize for
first novel."
Need I say more?
Yes.
Well, I'm a housewife.
Oh, well, I think it takes a little
more than that
to write a novel.
What are you going to write about?
I'm writing about things I know.
That won't be a novel, that'll be a
short story.
One more remark like that
and I'll kill you off in chapter one.
Oh, am I going to be in it?
Sure. We all are-- you, Ricky, Fred,
me--
not under our own names, of course.
Now then...
(sighs)
What are you doing?
I'm studying you.
Huh?
Ethel, what makes you tick?
Tick?
What makes you you?
Me me?
Yeah.
Lucy, I don't think I'm going to like
this.
Ethel, you don't seem to realize what
this means.
My novel may turn out to be another
Gone With The Wind.
If it does, that makes you Scarlett
O'Hara.
Me?!
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, if you want to know what I'm
really like,
I'm deeper than most people think.
On the surface, I'm carefree and
happy,
but deep down inside, I'm intense and
moody.
I'm sensitive.
I feel things.
What's the matter, Ethel?
You got a stomachache?
Well, if it isn't Rhett Butler.
Why don't you find out what makes him
tick?
He creaks a little, too.
What's going on in this booby hatch?
"Booby hatch"!
That's good. I'll use it.
Ethel, what is all this?
Lucy's writing a novel, and we're all
gonna be in it!
You mean she's writing a novel this
very minute?
Yeah.
No kidding?
Yeah.
Well, well...
What's going on?
Lucy's writing a novel.
Oh.
What?!
She's writing a novel, and we're all
in it.
Are you kidding?
You're really writing a novel?
Yes, and I'm glad you're up.
There are a few questions I'd like to
put to you.
All right... put.
What was your reaction
when you came to this country for the
first time?
"A lonely immigrant
arriving in New York Harbor on a
cattle boat."
You crazy or something?
You know darn well I came here by
plane--
from Havana to Miami Beach-- and I
wasn't lonely;
I had 14 musicians with me.
Not in my book, you didn't.
"As your leaky Cuban cattle boat
steamed into New York Harbor,
"tears cascaded down your cheeks
"as you saw the Statue of Liberty for
the first time.
"You clutched your knapsack to you--
"your pitiful little bundle
"that contained all your worldly
belongings--
"and you wept unashamedly.
"You made a vow
"that someday you would be a famous
orchestra leader.
"You promised yourself
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait!
"that never...
Wait, wait!
Wait, wait!
never would you..."
Wait, wait, wait.
Is this the kind of stuff you're
writing about?
Yeah. Pretty good, huh?
But, honey, it isn't true.
Ricky, that's what writers do.
They take the truth and twist it a
little.
Well, if your book doesn't sell,
you can always get a job making
pretzels.
I think we'd better take a look
at what she's writing about.
Yeah, I want to see how she's
twisting me.
Yeah.
Just a moment.
A writer's work is sacred.
You can read it when it becomes a
best seller.
And now, if you'll excuse me,
the muse calls, and I must answer.
Yep, it's not here.
Well, I can't find it.
ETHEL: It's not in here.
Well, we looked all over this place
and the other room.
Let's go and look in the kitchen.
All right.
Okay.
It's got to be here someplace.
Fred, if you were Lucy's novel, where
would you go?
Oh, I'd run down in the basement and
jump in the furnace.
Aah, come on, this is silly.
It's got to be here someplace.
RICKY: Look under the sink, will you?
Oh, okay.
I'll give you some light.
FRED: Yeah, that'll help.
I got it!
What?
What?
She had it in the blind!
She had it up there in the blind!
Oh, my heavens.
Oh, God, come on...
In the blind.
Oh, boy.
How cute can you be?
Now we'll get this all straightened
out here.
Listen to this.
I got the title.
Real Gone With The Wind.
Real gone.
(guffawing)
Don't you love that.
Here's the first page.
"Now it can be told for the first
time
"how I, Lucille Mcgillicuddy,
"gave up a brilliant career in the
theater
"to marry a poor and unknown bongo
player...
"This, then, will be the story
"of one of the brightest lights in
show business
and how she dimmed her bulb."
Oh, brother!
(guffawing)
"Dimmed her bulb!"
Wait a minute.
Wait, I got something here.
Listen to this.
"Later, we moved to an apartment on
East 68th Street.
"It was there that I met Ethel Nurtz,
our landlady.
Ethel Nurtz?
That must be misspelled.
No, she said she wasn't gonna use our
real names.
Well, nobody'd know who Ethel Nurtz
is.
Oh, no.
No.
Let me go on here.
Get the rest of it.
"It was there I met our landlady,
Ethel Nurtz.
"We became the very best of friends
"in spite of the great difference in
our ages.
"As the years went along,
"I came to think of her not just as a
friend,
not just as a neighbor, but as a
mother."
A mother?!
It says so!
(laughing uncontrollably)
I don't think that's so funny.
Oh, no, I think it's kind of good.
Go ahead and laugh.
(laughing)
(laughing)
Well, ha-ha-ha, listen to this.
"A colorful character in our
neighborhood
was a funny old coot named Fred
Nurtz."
Shall I go on?
No.
Go on.
"He was really a nice person if you
had the time and energy
"to look beneath his rough and grumpy
exterior.
"The best thing about Fred was that
when you met him,
you understood why Ethel was like she
was."
What does that mean?
I don't know, but I'll bet it's
insulting.
Yeah.
Now, come on, don't be such bad
sports.
You're being too sensitive.
Oh, we're being sensitive.
Sure.
Wait till you get to the part...
Go on, find something about yourself.
Yeah, let's get a page...
We'll see how sensitive you are.
Okay.
"Mother,"
"difference in our ages."
Whoo. Here's something.
Here's something right here.
"The greatest day of my life
"was the day I was married to Nicky
Nicardo.
Nick...
Nicky Nicardo?
I wonder who she means.
Oh, I wouldn't know.
"Although Nicky was an unknown
when I married him..."
(clears throat)
"...he soon became one of the
country's
leading Latin-American entertainers."
That doesn't make me mad.
No, no.
Shouldn't.
"His voice charmed millions.
His guitar-playing made women swoon."
You know, she writes very well.
"His voice charmed millions.
"His guitar-playing made women swoon.
So it was a small wonder that..."
Where's page 12?
Page 12.
Let's find it.
I got it.
I got it.
Good.
What did that say?
"His voice charmed millions.
"His guitar-playing made women swoon.
"So it was a small wonder that...
"...he turned into such a big ham,
you could stuff him with clove."
(guffawing)
Now, that is not funny.
It's not funny at all. No, sir.
I think we'd better read this novel
from beginning to end right now.
I want the whole thing, the whole
thing.
I want to read the whole thing.
Makes a nice fire, doesn't it?
Uh-huh.
Well, hi, everybody.
RICKY: Hi.
Hello.
Hello.
How come you got a fire on a nice day
like this?
Well, it makes it so comfy-like.
There's nothing like a good book and
a roaring fire.
(Ethel laughing)
You mean a good book in a roaring
fire.
That's more like it.
Yeah.
(chuckling)
What are you three up to?
We pulled down the kitchen blind
and changed the name of your novel
to Forever Ember.
You didn't.
Well, the three little snoopers.
I trust you didn't have too much
trouble finding it.
Well, it wasn't easy.
First of all, we had to make
ourselves think the way you do.
That was an accomplishment in itself.
You know, the way that you wrote
about the Mertzes and me is really
something.
"A great difference in our ages."
Huh!
"Funny old coot."
"I'm such a ham, I should go lie down
between two pieces of rye bread."
My book isn't even published yet and
already I'm being misquoted.
Thanks to us, your book will never be
published.
But don't worry, it went out in a
blaze of glory.
Yep, you wrote a red-hot novel.
(chuckling): That's where I got...
"A blaze of glory."
"A red-hot novel."
"A blaze of glory." That's...
You're all very smug, aren't you?
If I'd known the type of people that
I was dealing with,
I'd have made a carbon copy.
Yes, that would have been very
clever.
Yes. Mm.
As a matter of fact, I do know
the type of people that I'm dealing
with.
Pardon me.
Pardon me, please. Pardon.
Pardon me, please.
Pardon.
Pardon me.
Pardon, please.
Let's see.
I think that's all.
One, two, three-- yes.
Not counting the one that I sent
to Dorrance & Company Publishers.
See you around the bookstores.
Oh, darn it!
(door slamming)
Don't tell me you've been down there
looking for that mailman again.
Yes, I have.
You'd think
he'd be early just this once
when he knows that I'm waiting
for a letter from my publisher.
Lucy, you really don't think
anyone's gonna publish that book of
yours, do you?
You don't, do you?
If I had the slightest idea
that anyone would ever consider it,
I'd be down at the publisher's with
my lawyer right now.
You wait.
You'll eat those words.
If anybody ever publishes that book,
I'll eat my hat.
(doorbell buzzing)
Oh...
Registered letter.
Dorrance & Dorrance Publishers!
Will you sign here, please?
Please.
Yeah. Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's here! It's here!
This is it. I got it.
They din't.
Oh, "din't" they?
They're gonna publish my book
and they sent me a hundred- dollar
advance royalty!
Be my guest.
(crunching)
(crunching)
Darlings, wait till you hear!
I had the most wonderful idea for a
sequel to my first novel.
It's all about a little boy
who runs away from a plantation in
Cuba.
I'm calling it Sugarcane Mutiny.
Sweet.
Lucy?
Yes, sir.
We have something to say to you.
Yes, darling?
Fred and Ethel and I just had a
conference.
Oh.
Nothing personal, dear,
but we're suing you for libel.
You're suing me?!
For every cent I've got.
Well, I can't believe it.
You're suing me-- your wife, your
best friend?
Yup. We three are suing
little old loveable, libelous Lucy.
Well, if that's the way you feel
about it.
Too bad, though, considering
I was going to split the royalties
four ways.
FRED: Split the royalties?!
Yes, yes. I was saving that as sort
of a surprise.
Lucy, you know darn well that that
never occurred to you
until you found out that we were
going to sue.
Well, that was a surprise.
ETHEL: I still say sue her.
Sue her!
Oh, sewer, sewer!
Get your mind out of the gutter!
I don't want my name in that book.
Ethel, just think of the money.
Why, your share alone might be
$50,000.
Yeah, what's the matter with you,
Ethel?
It sounds all right to me.
Why, Fred, where's your pride?
Remember, she called you an old coot.
Listen, she can call me anything she
likes for $50,000
Honestly!
I'm in for a fourth, Lucy.
Well, this friend, neighbor and
mother is not.
Neither is the Cuban ham.
(doorbell buzzing)
Well!
Yes?
Mrs. Ricardo?
Yes, sir?
I'm Mr. Dorrance of Dorrance &
Company.
Oh! How do you do, Mr. Dorrance?
Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
Oh, this is Mr. Dorrance, my
publisher.
How do you do?
Mr. and Mrs. Mertz.
How are you?
And this is my husband,
Mr. Ricardo.
How do you do?
Mr. Dorrance, my publisher.
Won't you sit down, sir?
Thank you.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, Mr. Dorrance, this is such a
surprise.
I'm so pleased to meet you.
It certainly is a wonderful thrill
to have my book published for the
first time.
Well, Mrs. Ricardo,
ordinarily, I don't handle these
things myself.
But in your case, I thought I ought
to come out
and talk to you myself.
Oh, really?
Yes. Mrs. Ricardo,
last week my secretary got married.
Oh. Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
Anyway, for the last few days,
she hasn't had her mind on her work,
and somehow, she got your name
on someone else's manuscript.
You mean...
she made a mistake?
That's right.
And when I wrote to you,
asking to publish your novel,
I was referring to someone else's
work entirely.
Oh.
I was just sick when I found out
about it,
so I sat down and read your novel.
I know how disheartening this is
to someone who is just starting to
write,
and I can't tell you how sorry I am
that it happened.
Oh, well, then this means you won't
be publishing...?
I'm sorry,
but it isn't quite
what we're looking for right now.
Oh.
Well, I-I guess you want your check
back, then.
No, please. We'd like you
to keep it for all of the heartaches
we've given you.
Oh, no.
No, I couldn't accept it.
I wish you would.
Oh, no. I couldn't.
Well, I could accept $25 of it.
Well, good-bye.
Uh... thank you for coming over, Mr.
Dorrance.
I'm awfully sorry.
It's all right.
Good-bye.
Thank you.
Oh, honey, don't feel so bad.
What does he know?
Oh, sure.
You wrote a wonderful novel full of
true-to-life characters.
RICKY: Yeah.
Yeah, come to think of it,
I really am a funny old coot.
Sure he is.
Sure. Sure.
Come on, honey, cry or something.
Don't just stand there looking like
that.
I can't take it.
I can't cry.
This is deeper than tears.
Oh, now, wait till you write your
second novel.
Why, Mr. Dorrance will come crawling
to buy it.
Yeah!
FRED: Sure, yeah, sure.
There'll be no second novel.
My voice has been stilled.
Aw, honey, don't cry.
Well, make up your mind.
You want me to cry or don't you?
I mean, it's nothing to get so upset
and sad about.
I'm not sad for myself.
I'm sad for the world.
Mankind will never benefit from these
immortal pages.
It isn't my loss, it's a loss to
civilization.
Too bad, world.
Too bad, mankind.
Sorry, book of the month.
You had your chance, Bennett Cerf!
You'll get no more books from me,
so go watch television!
Ricky, will you write a note to the
milkman for me?
Sure. Why don't you do it?
Please, I'm not writing anything
again as long as I live.
What do you want me to say?
Two quarts of milk and a pint of
cream.
Okay.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Oh, hello, Mr. Dorrance.
You did?
You do?
Oh, yes, sir.
First thing in the morning.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Mr. Mel Eaton. E-a-t-o-n.
Yes, sir.
Plaza 5-2-0-9-9.
Oh, yes. Yes, sir, I will.
First thing in the morning.
Oh, and thank you, sir.
Good-bye.
Ricky, that was Mr. Dorrance, my
publisher,
and he talked to a friend of his
who's a publisher
and he told this friend about my book
and he wants to see it.
He thinks he can use it.
Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
Isn't it great?
Wait a minute.
You tor...
What's the matter?
You tore up every copy you had.
Oh, well, we'll have to glue one
back together again.
Where is it?
I just took the trash down to the
basement.
Oh, Ricky, no!
I didn't know that...
Hey, you want to go to...
What time does Fred burn the trash?
Uh, uh, he's burning it right now.
No! No, Fred!
What's the matter?
Fred, hold everything!
Fred!
Hold everything!
Fred, hold everything!
What's the matter?
Have you burned the trash yet?
I just started.
Which one did you put it in, Ricky?
I-I put it in one of these.
Well, which one?!
I don't know. They all look the same
to me.
Don't just stand there, start
looking!
Okay.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, will
you?
What the Sam Hill's going on here?
Another publisher wants to publish
Lucy's novel,
and it's all in the trash, all
torn-up pieces.
Oh, this is the silliest thing I ever
heard of.
Pawing through trash from all the
apartments
trying to find two or three bits of
paper!
25% of it is yours!
Well, don't just stand there, start
looking!
Come on!
Want to try that there, huh?
RICKY: No, that's not it. No.
Oh, that fits there.
This goes right there.
Another one from here?
These must go over on the other side.
Take a look over there, will you?
Let's try it.
(Ricky grunts)
"Poor thing."
Well, that's 32.
I'm ready for 33.
I've got it here-- everything but one
little piece.
Ethel.
Huh?
See if you can find one that fits
this, will you?
What's it supposed to say?
Oh, right here. I got...
So far, I got "I thought about it at
night
"before going to bed, as I sat there,
brushing my..."
What follows, Lucy?
Naturally red hair.
"Naturally red hair"?
Why, I threw that away.
I didn't think that came from Lucy's
book.
Oh, come on, get it out of there
and bring it over here.
I'll try and find it.
I think I can find it.
Here it is!
ETHEL: He's got it.
Oh, good.
(stifling sneeze)
LUCY: Ricky, don't sneeze!
ETHEL: Oh, no! Oh, no, Ricky.
Ricky, don't sneeze!
Don't sneeze!
No, no!
Honey, don't sneeze.
Whatever you do, don't sneeze.
Okay.
(stifling sneeze)
Oh, hang on.
Take it easy, kid.
Hang on.
Take it easy.
Ah, that's my boy.
I knew you could do it.
Okay, I got that page for you, honey.
You're the wonderful...
Look out, honey!
(loud sneeze)
Oh, honey!
Lucy!
I'm sorry, Mr. Eaton,
but a $10,000 advance will not be
sufficient.
Huh?
Oh, Mr. Eaton.
Why do you have on your pajamas?
Honey, it's me, Ricky.
Wake up.
Oh. Oh.
Haven't you gone to bed yet?
No. I have to retype this so it'll be
neat.
(typing)
Honey, it's 9:30 in the morning!
You said you were coming right to
bed.
Come on, honey.
You got to get some rest.
Come on, sweetheart, honey.
What's the matter?
She's supposed to see Mr.
Eaton early this morning.
Well, she wanted to...
Yeah, I got to call Mr. Eaton.
I have to call Mr. Eaton right now.
ETHEL: What happened to her?
RICKY: Well, she wanted to retype the
novel so it'd look neat,
and she sat up all night
and typed the whole thing over again.
Oh, no.
RICKY: She hasn't gone to bed yet.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Oh, may I speak to Mr. Eaton, please?
This is Mr. Eaton speaking.
Oh, Mr. Eaton, This is Mrs. Ricardo.
I was supposed to bring a novel down
to you this morning.
Can I still come down?
Is it too late?
Why, of course, Mrs. Ricardo.
Come down any time you like.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Oh, uh, Mrs. Ricardo...
Yes, sir?
Did Mr. Dorrance tell you how I
wanted to use it?
How's that?
Mr. Dorrance, did he tell you how I
wanted to use it?
No, sir.
Well, I'd like very much
to print portions of it in a textbook
I'm preparing on how to write a
novel.
Oh!
Oh, he wants to print portions of it
in a textbook on how to write a
novel.
Go on, Mr. Eaton.
Well, I-I wish Mr. Dorrance had
mentioned this to you,
but, uh... it'll head up the chapter
entitled
"Don't let this happen to you."
Uh, it's going to head up the chapter
entitled
"Don't let this happen to you."
(laughing)
(wailing)
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu
Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week at this same
time.