I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 23 - Lucy Is Envious - full transcript
A former classmate of Lucy Ricardo has done very well for herself, and now heads up a charitable drive for their alma mater. She contacts Lucy for a donation, and Lucy attempts to impress her old classmate by exaggerating her wealth and status. Soon Lucy and Ethel both find themselves in debt to this woman by five hundred dollars each, and in their desperation, they take stunt jobs as "women from Mars" to promote a new movie.
(I Love Lucy theme music playing)
Here.
Thanks.
Oh, the opera opened last night.
Will you look at that.
The lobby looks like a field of
waving mink.
Gee, and all the parties they went to
afterward--
21 and El Morocco...
Gosh, I bet they had a good time.
Lucy...
Huh?
Why do you envy those people?
I don't envy them.
I just wish I could dress like them
and live the way they do, that's all.
Honey, the only way to be real happy
is to be satisfied with what you got.
Oh? What have I got?
Me.
My cup runneth over.
Well!
Thank you.
Oh, no.
What happened?
"Cynthia Harcourt just got back from
Europe
and is in town on a charity drive."
So? What's that to you?
Oh, I went to school with her.
Oh.
She had nothing but money, and she
married money.
Seemed like such a waste to me.
Money always marries money.
Yeah. Why doesn't money ever marry
broke?
Who knows?
Well, if she's on a charity drive,
I just won't answer the phone for a
few days.
She always calls up all the girls she
went to school with
and asks for contributions, you know.
So let her call.
She knows you're not wealthy.
Well, I don't know.
Cynthia, somehow, has gotten the
impression
that you lead a band just for a
hobby.
And where, pray say, did she get this
impression?
From the same person that told her
that you really own a big sugar
plantation in Cuba.
Who is that?
Someone we all know and love
who ought to keep her big mouth shut.
Now you see what I mean?
You were envious of somebody.
You tried to be something that you
weren't
and now you're in trouble.
You're right, Ricky.
I'm never gonna be envious of anyone
again.
Good.
What if I'm not sitting in the lap of
luxury?
I'm happy where I am-- on the bony
knees of nothing.
I like bony knees.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Lucy, darling, this is Cynthia,
Cynthia Harcourt.
Cynthia, dear.
Oh, darling, it's so nice to speak to
you again.
I can't believe I'm here.
You know, only last night I was in
Paris.
Oh?
Oh, Paris!
Give me Paris in the springtime.
Isn't that the way you feel, dear?
Oh, oui, oui.
Oh! Vous parlez francais?
Huh?
Parlez-vous francais?
How's that again?
Do you speak French?
Oh, yes. Fluently.
Oh, Lucy, you're so droll.
(Lucy laughing)
Well, tell me, dear.
You know, we're staying in a hotel
now,
but Cyrus is thinking of moving to
New York
and I was wondering--
how's the servant problem?
The servant problem?
Yes.
Oh, frightful, darling.
I just don't know what to do about
it.
Well, do you think that I could get
by with a staff of ten?
Oh, yes, I think you can get by with
a staff of ten.
Well, how many do you have?
Me? Oh, I have, uh...
Well, do you have more than ten?
Well, uh...
frankly, Cynthia.
I think that you should know
we live a very simple life.
We have a tiny little place.
We're just normal, average people.
Oh.
I'm going over to see Fred.
Okay, dear.
Well, how many do you have?
Eight.
Oh. My, you must have a tiny place.
Well, uh, dear, this nasty, old money
business--
you know I really hate it,
but I'm chairman of the charity drive
this year,
and I was wondering how much I could
count on you for?
Well, Cynthia, I've given
to so many charitable things this
year
I've practically nothing left.
Oh, Lucy, darling, I'd hate to print
your name in the book
and put a zero after it.
Yes. I'm sure you would, dear.
Well, surely you can scrape a few
dollars together,
like your classmates did.
Anita gave seven, Adelle gave six
and Hazel gave eight.
Oh, I had no idea
that such a sniggly little bit would
count.
Oh, certainly, darling, everything
counts.
Oh, well, put me down for five.
Wonderful! Should I pop over and pick
it up?
Uh, no. No.
I'm going shopping today.
I'd be glad to drop it by.
Oh, fine. Wonderful.
I'll see you then, dear.
All right. Where are you staying,
Cynthia?
Cynthia?
Oh, darn it.
What's the matter?
Oh... that was an old schoolmate of
mine,
Cynthia Harcourt, and she's here
on a charit...
The Cynthia Harcourt?
Yeah.
Did you go to school with her?
Yeah, and she's in town on a charity
drive.
I promised to drop a check
but I don't know where she's staying.
Well, it told all about it in the
society column this morning.
I was reading it.
That's right.
I forgot.
Yeah. She has a penthouse at the
Waldorf.
Oh, gee. I've always wanted to see
what a penthouse looked like.
Want to go with me?
Can I?
Sure.
Oh, boy, yes. Imagine me in high
society.
Hi.
(loftily): Oh, Frederic, darling,
If you're looking for me this
afternoon, I shan't be home.
I'll be at the penthouse at the
Waldorf.
Well, she finally flipped.
She did not.
She's going with me to see an old
schoolmate
who put the bite on me for a charity
drive.
Lucy?
Yeah?
How much did she bit you for?
Five measly dollars.
I'm taking her a check.
Why don't you mail it to her?
Oh, because I want to see her
penthouse.
I bet it's just fabulous.
There you go again--
wanting something that you haven't
got.
I do not.
I just want to see
what it is I haven't got that I don't
want.
Okay, old man, we're going to go for
a nice walk.
It's a beautiful day.
Say good-bye to Mommy.
Bye-bye, darling.
Give me a kiss.
You be a good boy, now.
Now, honey, remember-- no hot dogs
no peanuts, no popcorn.
All right, how about a glass of beer?
Oh!
Come on, now, you keep him bundled
up, too.
I think it might rain today, dear.
Yes, ma'am.
Well, now, be careful with him.
I will.
Oh, hi, honey.
You going out?
Yeah. He's going for a walk.
Come on, Fred, you want to walk with
us, man?
Okay. Come on, champ.
Come on, we'll take you.
Now, honey, keep him bundled up.
All right, Mother, all right.
Good-bye.
Bye-bye, darling.
Come on. Are you ready?
Yeah, just about. I got the check all
made out here.
I got to take one last look and see
if I'm all right.
I put this flower on my hat.
Do you think it's okay?
ETHEL: Oh, I think you look great.
All right.
You didn't say anything about how I
look.
Lucy, darling!
Oh! Cynthia!
Oh, Cynthia, uh...
Uh, Ethel, this is Cynthia Harcourt.
This is Ethel Mertz.
Oh. Charmed.
Ooh, likewise.
Well, you know, darling, I realized
after I spoke with you on the phone
that I hadn't told you where we were
staying.
So I thought I'd just pop over
myself.
Oh, well, I'm awfully glad you did,
Cynthia.
You'll have to forgive the way the
place looks.
I... well, I-I just flew into a nasty
rage this morning
and fired all the servants.
Didn't I, Ethel.
All of 'em.
You know, dear, I've been thinking.
Really, maybe I shouldn't have phoned
you
to ask you for money.
I mean, you know
with the tiny, little place you have
here
and being a bandleader's wife and
all,
maybe you can't afford it.
Oh, nonsense, Cynthia.
This dump is just a place for Ricky
to hang his clothes.
We spend most of our time in the
country.
Oh, this is your town house?
Well, it's really our town closet.
Yes. We have a beautiful summer
place--
a big mansion, stables, and swimming
pool.
And tennis courts.
Oh, delightful... sounds like our
summer place.
Where's yours?
Um... where's yours?
Bucks County.
Oh, ours is in Westchester.
Oh, wonderful. We must come and visit
you soon.
Oh, well, that would be lovely,
Cynthia,
except that we don't expect
to spend much time there this season.
You're going to Florida.
Why not?
Well, so are we.
Oh.
Where do you go in Florida?
Miami or West Palm Beach?
Uh, you go West Palm Beach, huh?
Miami.
Oh, we go West Palm Beach.
But, darling, the harbor's so small
there.
What do you do with your yacht?
To make it fit, we crank down the
smokestack
and squeeze in the poop deck.
Oh, Lucy, you are droll.
Oh, droll is the word.
Well, really, I hate to be crass
but I suppose we should get down to
business.
Oh, yes.
Do sit down, Cynthia.
Thank you.
Now, I'll get out my little book
here.
Now, let me see.
Yes...
"Lucille McGillicuddy Ricardo."
Now, you said on the phone you were
going to give five.
Is that right?
That's right.
You can put me down for five, too.
Oh, marvelous, Mrs. Hertz.
Thank you.
It's Mertz.
You spell it with an "M."
Oh? Oh, thank you.
"Mrs. Mertz-- five hundred... "
LUCY: Uh...
Oh, uh... Cynthia...
W-W-We didn't really mean 500.
Five thousand?
Oh, no.
Well, you...
you certainly couldn't have meant
five dollars.
Oh, no.
Well, what did you mean?
I... I guess we meant 500.
Well, are you going to give me your
check now, dear?
Oh, uh, no.
No. I'll have to send you the check.
My business manager makes out all my
checks.
Oh, fine. Well, I'm at the Waldorf.
Yes.
Your check, Mrs. Mertz?
Oh, her business manager makes out
all my checks, too.
Oh?
I just love his handwriting.
Oh, well...
very well.
I'll hear from you then.
Oh, yes, Cynthia. Yes.
I'm so glad that you came by, dear.
It's wonderful seeing you again.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
(gasping)
$500... each!
Hi.
Hi.
How'd you do?
All I could find was 76 cents
in one of Fred's old coats.
What are you doing?
I'm checking the local branch of the
first national couch.
You find anything?
51 cents, a button, a nail file
and an old piece of Christmas candy.
Not much of a start toward $1,000, is
it?
No. I even opened the baby's piggy
bank.
What'd you find?
Three IOUs from Ricky.
Oh, fine.
Well, we better just send her
our checks for five dollars
and forget about it.
Forget about it?
Do you want your name in that little
book
with "five dollars" printed after it?
Why not? For me that's good.
Well, for me it isn't.
All the girls I went to school with
will see that book
and I told them all that Ricky's
loaded.
I just got to get my hands on $500.
Hey-- would you be willing to work
for it?
Sure.
Well, Billboard always has a lot of
ads in it
wanting people for different things.
Let's see if there's anything in here
we could do.
Here.
Hey, there's something you could do.
Oh, no, you don't.
Not even for sweet charity
am I going to box three rounds
with a kangaroo.
Let me take that.
(sighing)
"Need two girls with courage
"for publicity stunt.
High pay for right parties."
Ah, no.
What's the matter, haven't you got
courage?
Yeah, I got courage, but it says they
need girls.
Well, we're girls.
We are?
If you divide everybody
into boys and girls, we're girls.
I never thought about it like that.
I'm going to call up and find out
about this ad.
Okay.
This might be something we could do.
Courage for what, I wonder.
Hello? Hello.
I'm calling about your ad in
Billboard--
"two girls with courage."
Yes, sir.
Oh, yes. Yes, we can keep a secret.
Oh, plenty of courage.
Yes, sir.
All right.
623 East 68th Street, apartment 3D.
All right, sir.
Well?
He's coming right over.
(door buzzer)
Hello.
Hi. Al Sparks is the name.
Oh.
Well, where are the girls?
We're the girls.
Oh.
Yes, this is Ethel Mertz.
I'm Lucy Ricardo.
How do you do.
Won't you sit down?
Yeah...
Yeah, I, uh...
I guess you'll do.
I guess it doesn't make any
difference
as long as you're coming from Mars.
Mars?!
Yeah.
So long, Lucy.
Ethel.
Did you say "coming from Mars"?
Yeah, that's right.
You see, tomorrow night, my studio is
having
a premiere of a new picture-- Women
From Mars.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Well, tomorrow afternoon, two Martian
women
are going to land in New York,
abduct an earthman, and disappear.
Now, that's where you come in.
That's where I go out.
Ethel, now sit down.
Now, don't worry.
I got every angle figured.
Well, tell it to her.
Ethel, honey, you've got to do this
with me.
No.
Think of my reputation.
No.
There's 500 bucks in it for each of
you.
Okay.
What do we do?
Now, here's the way I got it figured.
The first thing we do is sneak up to
the top
of the Empire State Building.
The top of the Empire State
Building?!
Well, Martha, we finally made it.
Oh, yes, Henry--
the top of the Empire State Building.
You know, Martha, this is the tallest
building in the world.
Henry, give me a dime.
All right.
Just a minute.
There you are, dear.
Oh, I can't find it.
Well, what are you looking for,
Martha?
Wichita.
Oh, Martha.
Anybody knows Wichita is over that
way.
Oh.
Now point it up.
See anything?
No.
A little higher. Look.
See?
Seen any flying saucers yet?
Flying saucers?
You don't mean there really are such
things?
Well, I don't know.
There've been a lot of rumors lately.
People think spaceships are coming
down from Mars and landing on Earth.
Oh, nonsense.
What's the matter?
Thought I saw something flash by just
now.
It was probably nothing.
Look through there.
See if you can see anything.
Little lower.
Little lower.
SPARKS: That may not be smoke.
Look right through there, look.
I don't see anything either.
SPARKS: Well, I think I saw one.
Look right through here, Martha.
Right out through here.
Little higher.
No, it's a little lower, a little
lower than that.
I can't see a thing.
You can't?
MAN: I don't think there's anything
up there, really I don't.
Certainly looked like I saw
something.
(speaking gibberish)
(laughing)
(laughing)
(speaking gibberish)
What are they?
Th-th-they look like women from Mars.
(chattering)
(laughing and chattering)
(screams)
Now, now, let's not get hysterical.
Maybe we can talk to them.
Pardon me.
Are... are you from Mars?
(speaking gibberish)
Just a minute.
Anybody ready to go down?
Me?
Watch out!
That's a paralyzing ray.
(laughing)
Hey, Rick, where are the girls?
I don't know.
When I got home,
Mrs. Trumbull was with the baby.
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
We're being invaded from outer space.
What?
It's on every radio and television.
A flying saucer landed on the Empire
State Building.
40 Martians got out and captured an
earthman.
I think you've been working too hard.
Come on, come on.
Let's go up on the roof
and protect our home and loved ones.
I'll go get Little Ricky.
He's never seen a flying saucer
before.
And bring your binoculars.
Bring the binoculars.
Now, come on.
Yes, sir.
Come on.
Right away.
(chuckling): Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.
Hey, Little Ricky,
you want to go and see some flying
saucers?
All right, girls
I'm going to get right out of here.
Here you are, here's your money.
$500 apiece.
Thank you very much.
Okay, I haven't got time to wait for
you to change,
so I'll pick the uniforms up later.
Okay.
You were great.
Bye.
Bye.
(both laughing)
(speaking gibberish)
...Sechs, sieben, acht, neun.
How are things on Mars?
Very wealthy.
Change?
Change.
Change.
(speaking gibberish)
"New York invaded by Martian women.
"Hordes of invaders also seen
in New Jersey and Connecticut."
One man in Connecticut saw 20 of us.
(laughing)
Oh, look at those headlines.
Lucy?
What?
You don't suppose this is all
a horrible coincidence, do you?
What do you mean?
Well, all that Martian talk--
people thinking they've seen
Martians.
You don't suppose some real Martians
decided to come down on Earth
at the same time we pulled this
stunt, do you?
Oh, that's silly...
isn't it?
I don't know.
I just wish Fred was home.
Gee, I wish Ricky was home, too.
Oh, why did you have to say all that?
Now I got a spooky feeling about
everything.
Well, all those...
Oh, dear.
(thumping and squealing)
What's that?
What's that?
I don't know.
(thumping and squealing continues)
That's a horrible noise.
(noise stops)
(both screaming)
Call the police.
(screaming)
Get the police.
We can't call the police.
Oh, no.
We'd have to tell them the whole
story.
We can't tell anyone about this.
"...and so, it's been firmly
established
"that most of the reports
"were the result of mass hysteria.
"The only Martians anyone saw
"were two on top of the Empire State
Building,
"and it is suspected
"that they might have had something
to do
"with the opening tomorrow of a
motion picture
"entitled Women From Mars.
"So everybody relax.
There has been no invasion by
Martians."
FRED: Mm-hmm.
Well, I don't know.
Well, why do you say that, honey?
Well, I've just got a funny feeling.
Listen, by the way, you haven't said
much about this.
Where were you when all this
excitement happened?
Oh, we-we-we were out shopping
and we didn't hear anything about it
until we got home, did we, Ethel?
No, no, we didn't hear anything about
it.
Oh.
Well, dinner's ready.
Yes, sir.
It looks good
Fine. Looks good.
I hope that meat
is cooked the way you like it, Fred.
It looks delicious, Lucy.
Looks delicious.
I kind of like to do things
the way you like them, you know.
You're a good cook.
You're the champion hostess.
(speaking gibberish)
(I Love Lucy theme music playing)
ANNOUNCER: The part of Cynthia
Harcourt was played by Mary Jane
Croft.
Al Sparks was Herb Vigren.
The couple on the roof were Dick
Elliot and Kaye Wiley.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week at this same
time.
Here.
Thanks.
Oh, the opera opened last night.
Will you look at that.
The lobby looks like a field of
waving mink.
Gee, and all the parties they went to
afterward--
21 and El Morocco...
Gosh, I bet they had a good time.
Lucy...
Huh?
Why do you envy those people?
I don't envy them.
I just wish I could dress like them
and live the way they do, that's all.
Honey, the only way to be real happy
is to be satisfied with what you got.
Oh? What have I got?
Me.
My cup runneth over.
Well!
Thank you.
Oh, no.
What happened?
"Cynthia Harcourt just got back from
Europe
and is in town on a charity drive."
So? What's that to you?
Oh, I went to school with her.
Oh.
She had nothing but money, and she
married money.
Seemed like such a waste to me.
Money always marries money.
Yeah. Why doesn't money ever marry
broke?
Who knows?
Well, if she's on a charity drive,
I just won't answer the phone for a
few days.
She always calls up all the girls she
went to school with
and asks for contributions, you know.
So let her call.
She knows you're not wealthy.
Well, I don't know.
Cynthia, somehow, has gotten the
impression
that you lead a band just for a
hobby.
And where, pray say, did she get this
impression?
From the same person that told her
that you really own a big sugar
plantation in Cuba.
Who is that?
Someone we all know and love
who ought to keep her big mouth shut.
Now you see what I mean?
You were envious of somebody.
You tried to be something that you
weren't
and now you're in trouble.
You're right, Ricky.
I'm never gonna be envious of anyone
again.
Good.
What if I'm not sitting in the lap of
luxury?
I'm happy where I am-- on the bony
knees of nothing.
I like bony knees.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Lucy, darling, this is Cynthia,
Cynthia Harcourt.
Cynthia, dear.
Oh, darling, it's so nice to speak to
you again.
I can't believe I'm here.
You know, only last night I was in
Paris.
Oh?
Oh, Paris!
Give me Paris in the springtime.
Isn't that the way you feel, dear?
Oh, oui, oui.
Oh! Vous parlez francais?
Huh?
Parlez-vous francais?
How's that again?
Do you speak French?
Oh, yes. Fluently.
Oh, Lucy, you're so droll.
(Lucy laughing)
Well, tell me, dear.
You know, we're staying in a hotel
now,
but Cyrus is thinking of moving to
New York
and I was wondering--
how's the servant problem?
The servant problem?
Yes.
Oh, frightful, darling.
I just don't know what to do about
it.
Well, do you think that I could get
by with a staff of ten?
Oh, yes, I think you can get by with
a staff of ten.
Well, how many do you have?
Me? Oh, I have, uh...
Well, do you have more than ten?
Well, uh...
frankly, Cynthia.
I think that you should know
we live a very simple life.
We have a tiny little place.
We're just normal, average people.
Oh.
I'm going over to see Fred.
Okay, dear.
Well, how many do you have?
Eight.
Oh. My, you must have a tiny place.
Well, uh, dear, this nasty, old money
business--
you know I really hate it,
but I'm chairman of the charity drive
this year,
and I was wondering how much I could
count on you for?
Well, Cynthia, I've given
to so many charitable things this
year
I've practically nothing left.
Oh, Lucy, darling, I'd hate to print
your name in the book
and put a zero after it.
Yes. I'm sure you would, dear.
Well, surely you can scrape a few
dollars together,
like your classmates did.
Anita gave seven, Adelle gave six
and Hazel gave eight.
Oh, I had no idea
that such a sniggly little bit would
count.
Oh, certainly, darling, everything
counts.
Oh, well, put me down for five.
Wonderful! Should I pop over and pick
it up?
Uh, no. No.
I'm going shopping today.
I'd be glad to drop it by.
Oh, fine. Wonderful.
I'll see you then, dear.
All right. Where are you staying,
Cynthia?
Cynthia?
Oh, darn it.
What's the matter?
Oh... that was an old schoolmate of
mine,
Cynthia Harcourt, and she's here
on a charit...
The Cynthia Harcourt?
Yeah.
Did you go to school with her?
Yeah, and she's in town on a charity
drive.
I promised to drop a check
but I don't know where she's staying.
Well, it told all about it in the
society column this morning.
I was reading it.
That's right.
I forgot.
Yeah. She has a penthouse at the
Waldorf.
Oh, gee. I've always wanted to see
what a penthouse looked like.
Want to go with me?
Can I?
Sure.
Oh, boy, yes. Imagine me in high
society.
Hi.
(loftily): Oh, Frederic, darling,
If you're looking for me this
afternoon, I shan't be home.
I'll be at the penthouse at the
Waldorf.
Well, she finally flipped.
She did not.
She's going with me to see an old
schoolmate
who put the bite on me for a charity
drive.
Lucy?
Yeah?
How much did she bit you for?
Five measly dollars.
I'm taking her a check.
Why don't you mail it to her?
Oh, because I want to see her
penthouse.
I bet it's just fabulous.
There you go again--
wanting something that you haven't
got.
I do not.
I just want to see
what it is I haven't got that I don't
want.
Okay, old man, we're going to go for
a nice walk.
It's a beautiful day.
Say good-bye to Mommy.
Bye-bye, darling.
Give me a kiss.
You be a good boy, now.
Now, honey, remember-- no hot dogs
no peanuts, no popcorn.
All right, how about a glass of beer?
Oh!
Come on, now, you keep him bundled
up, too.
I think it might rain today, dear.
Yes, ma'am.
Well, now, be careful with him.
I will.
Oh, hi, honey.
You going out?
Yeah. He's going for a walk.
Come on, Fred, you want to walk with
us, man?
Okay. Come on, champ.
Come on, we'll take you.
Now, honey, keep him bundled up.
All right, Mother, all right.
Good-bye.
Bye-bye, darling.
Come on. Are you ready?
Yeah, just about. I got the check all
made out here.
I got to take one last look and see
if I'm all right.
I put this flower on my hat.
Do you think it's okay?
ETHEL: Oh, I think you look great.
All right.
You didn't say anything about how I
look.
Lucy, darling!
Oh! Cynthia!
Oh, Cynthia, uh...
Uh, Ethel, this is Cynthia Harcourt.
This is Ethel Mertz.
Oh. Charmed.
Ooh, likewise.
Well, you know, darling, I realized
after I spoke with you on the phone
that I hadn't told you where we were
staying.
So I thought I'd just pop over
myself.
Oh, well, I'm awfully glad you did,
Cynthia.
You'll have to forgive the way the
place looks.
I... well, I-I just flew into a nasty
rage this morning
and fired all the servants.
Didn't I, Ethel.
All of 'em.
You know, dear, I've been thinking.
Really, maybe I shouldn't have phoned
you
to ask you for money.
I mean, you know
with the tiny, little place you have
here
and being a bandleader's wife and
all,
maybe you can't afford it.
Oh, nonsense, Cynthia.
This dump is just a place for Ricky
to hang his clothes.
We spend most of our time in the
country.
Oh, this is your town house?
Well, it's really our town closet.
Yes. We have a beautiful summer
place--
a big mansion, stables, and swimming
pool.
And tennis courts.
Oh, delightful... sounds like our
summer place.
Where's yours?
Um... where's yours?
Bucks County.
Oh, ours is in Westchester.
Oh, wonderful. We must come and visit
you soon.
Oh, well, that would be lovely,
Cynthia,
except that we don't expect
to spend much time there this season.
You're going to Florida.
Why not?
Well, so are we.
Oh.
Where do you go in Florida?
Miami or West Palm Beach?
Uh, you go West Palm Beach, huh?
Miami.
Oh, we go West Palm Beach.
But, darling, the harbor's so small
there.
What do you do with your yacht?
To make it fit, we crank down the
smokestack
and squeeze in the poop deck.
Oh, Lucy, you are droll.
Oh, droll is the word.
Well, really, I hate to be crass
but I suppose we should get down to
business.
Oh, yes.
Do sit down, Cynthia.
Thank you.
Now, I'll get out my little book
here.
Now, let me see.
Yes...
"Lucille McGillicuddy Ricardo."
Now, you said on the phone you were
going to give five.
Is that right?
That's right.
You can put me down for five, too.
Oh, marvelous, Mrs. Hertz.
Thank you.
It's Mertz.
You spell it with an "M."
Oh? Oh, thank you.
"Mrs. Mertz-- five hundred... "
LUCY: Uh...
Oh, uh... Cynthia...
W-W-We didn't really mean 500.
Five thousand?
Oh, no.
Well, you...
you certainly couldn't have meant
five dollars.
Oh, no.
Well, what did you mean?
I... I guess we meant 500.
Well, are you going to give me your
check now, dear?
Oh, uh, no.
No. I'll have to send you the check.
My business manager makes out all my
checks.
Oh, fine. Well, I'm at the Waldorf.
Yes.
Your check, Mrs. Mertz?
Oh, her business manager makes out
all my checks, too.
Oh?
I just love his handwriting.
Oh, well...
very well.
I'll hear from you then.
Oh, yes, Cynthia. Yes.
I'm so glad that you came by, dear.
It's wonderful seeing you again.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
(gasping)
$500... each!
Hi.
Hi.
How'd you do?
All I could find was 76 cents
in one of Fred's old coats.
What are you doing?
I'm checking the local branch of the
first national couch.
You find anything?
51 cents, a button, a nail file
and an old piece of Christmas candy.
Not much of a start toward $1,000, is
it?
No. I even opened the baby's piggy
bank.
What'd you find?
Three IOUs from Ricky.
Oh, fine.
Well, we better just send her
our checks for five dollars
and forget about it.
Forget about it?
Do you want your name in that little
book
with "five dollars" printed after it?
Why not? For me that's good.
Well, for me it isn't.
All the girls I went to school with
will see that book
and I told them all that Ricky's
loaded.
I just got to get my hands on $500.
Hey-- would you be willing to work
for it?
Sure.
Well, Billboard always has a lot of
ads in it
wanting people for different things.
Let's see if there's anything in here
we could do.
Here.
Hey, there's something you could do.
Oh, no, you don't.
Not even for sweet charity
am I going to box three rounds
with a kangaroo.
Let me take that.
(sighing)
"Need two girls with courage
"for publicity stunt.
High pay for right parties."
Ah, no.
What's the matter, haven't you got
courage?
Yeah, I got courage, but it says they
need girls.
Well, we're girls.
We are?
If you divide everybody
into boys and girls, we're girls.
I never thought about it like that.
I'm going to call up and find out
about this ad.
Okay.
This might be something we could do.
Courage for what, I wonder.
Hello? Hello.
I'm calling about your ad in
Billboard--
"two girls with courage."
Yes, sir.
Oh, yes. Yes, we can keep a secret.
Oh, plenty of courage.
Yes, sir.
All right.
623 East 68th Street, apartment 3D.
All right, sir.
Well?
He's coming right over.
(door buzzer)
Hello.
Hi. Al Sparks is the name.
Oh.
Well, where are the girls?
We're the girls.
Oh.
Yes, this is Ethel Mertz.
I'm Lucy Ricardo.
How do you do.
Won't you sit down?
Yeah...
Yeah, I, uh...
I guess you'll do.
I guess it doesn't make any
difference
as long as you're coming from Mars.
Mars?!
Yeah.
So long, Lucy.
Ethel.
Did you say "coming from Mars"?
Yeah, that's right.
You see, tomorrow night, my studio is
having
a premiere of a new picture-- Women
From Mars.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Well, tomorrow afternoon, two Martian
women
are going to land in New York,
abduct an earthman, and disappear.
Now, that's where you come in.
That's where I go out.
Ethel, now sit down.
Now, don't worry.
I got every angle figured.
Well, tell it to her.
Ethel, honey, you've got to do this
with me.
No.
Think of my reputation.
No.
There's 500 bucks in it for each of
you.
Okay.
What do we do?
Now, here's the way I got it figured.
The first thing we do is sneak up to
the top
of the Empire State Building.
The top of the Empire State
Building?!
Well, Martha, we finally made it.
Oh, yes, Henry--
the top of the Empire State Building.
You know, Martha, this is the tallest
building in the world.
Henry, give me a dime.
All right.
Just a minute.
There you are, dear.
Oh, I can't find it.
Well, what are you looking for,
Martha?
Wichita.
Oh, Martha.
Anybody knows Wichita is over that
way.
Oh.
Now point it up.
See anything?
No.
A little higher. Look.
See?
Seen any flying saucers yet?
Flying saucers?
You don't mean there really are such
things?
Well, I don't know.
There've been a lot of rumors lately.
People think spaceships are coming
down from Mars and landing on Earth.
Oh, nonsense.
What's the matter?
Thought I saw something flash by just
now.
It was probably nothing.
Look through there.
See if you can see anything.
Little lower.
Little lower.
SPARKS: That may not be smoke.
Look right through there, look.
I don't see anything either.
SPARKS: Well, I think I saw one.
Look right through here, Martha.
Right out through here.
Little higher.
No, it's a little lower, a little
lower than that.
I can't see a thing.
You can't?
MAN: I don't think there's anything
up there, really I don't.
Certainly looked like I saw
something.
(speaking gibberish)
(laughing)
(laughing)
(speaking gibberish)
What are they?
Th-th-they look like women from Mars.
(chattering)
(laughing and chattering)
(screams)
Now, now, let's not get hysterical.
Maybe we can talk to them.
Pardon me.
Are... are you from Mars?
(speaking gibberish)
Just a minute.
Anybody ready to go down?
Me?
Watch out!
That's a paralyzing ray.
(laughing)
Hey, Rick, where are the girls?
I don't know.
When I got home,
Mrs. Trumbull was with the baby.
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
We're being invaded from outer space.
What?
It's on every radio and television.
A flying saucer landed on the Empire
State Building.
40 Martians got out and captured an
earthman.
I think you've been working too hard.
Come on, come on.
Let's go up on the roof
and protect our home and loved ones.
I'll go get Little Ricky.
He's never seen a flying saucer
before.
And bring your binoculars.
Bring the binoculars.
Now, come on.
Yes, sir.
Come on.
Right away.
(chuckling): Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.
Hey, Little Ricky,
you want to go and see some flying
saucers?
All right, girls
I'm going to get right out of here.
Here you are, here's your money.
$500 apiece.
Thank you very much.
Okay, I haven't got time to wait for
you to change,
so I'll pick the uniforms up later.
Okay.
You were great.
Bye.
Bye.
(both laughing)
(speaking gibberish)
...Sechs, sieben, acht, neun.
How are things on Mars?
Very wealthy.
Change?
Change.
Change.
(speaking gibberish)
"New York invaded by Martian women.
"Hordes of invaders also seen
in New Jersey and Connecticut."
One man in Connecticut saw 20 of us.
(laughing)
Oh, look at those headlines.
Lucy?
What?
You don't suppose this is all
a horrible coincidence, do you?
What do you mean?
Well, all that Martian talk--
people thinking they've seen
Martians.
You don't suppose some real Martians
decided to come down on Earth
at the same time we pulled this
stunt, do you?
Oh, that's silly...
isn't it?
I don't know.
I just wish Fred was home.
Gee, I wish Ricky was home, too.
Oh, why did you have to say all that?
Now I got a spooky feeling about
everything.
Well, all those...
Oh, dear.
(thumping and squealing)
What's that?
What's that?
I don't know.
(thumping and squealing continues)
That's a horrible noise.
(noise stops)
(both screaming)
Call the police.
(screaming)
Get the police.
We can't call the police.
Oh, no.
We'd have to tell them the whole
story.
We can't tell anyone about this.
"...and so, it's been firmly
established
"that most of the reports
"were the result of mass hysteria.
"The only Martians anyone saw
"were two on top of the Empire State
Building,
"and it is suspected
"that they might have had something
to do
"with the opening tomorrow of a
motion picture
"entitled Women From Mars.
"So everybody relax.
There has been no invasion by
Martians."
FRED: Mm-hmm.
Well, I don't know.
Well, why do you say that, honey?
Well, I've just got a funny feeling.
Listen, by the way, you haven't said
much about this.
Where were you when all this
excitement happened?
Oh, we-we-we were out shopping
and we didn't hear anything about it
until we got home, did we, Ethel?
No, no, we didn't hear anything about
it.
Oh.
Well, dinner's ready.
Yes, sir.
It looks good
Fine. Looks good.
I hope that meat
is cooked the way you like it, Fred.
It looks delicious, Lucy.
Looks delicious.
I kind of like to do things
the way you like them, you know.
You're a good cook.
You're the champion hostess.
(speaking gibberish)
(I Love Lucy theme music playing)
ANNOUNCER: The part of Cynthia
Harcourt was played by Mary Jane
Croft.
Al Sparks was Herb Vigren.
The couple on the roof were Dick
Elliot and Kaye Wiley.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week at this same
time.