I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 18 - Oil Wells - full transcript
The gang buys oil stock from new neighbors who claim to be Texas oil tycoons.
("I Love Lucy" theme song
playing)
Lucy?
Oh, good morning, dear.
Good morning.
Lucy, what are you doing?
Lucy?
Pardon me, dear.
(whistles)
A refrigerator,
a deep freeze
and a chrome dinette set.
Hi, Rick.
Hi, Fred.
Where're you going?
I want to find out
what's going on with her.
She keeps running out into
the back porch,
and then she comes in here
and talks to somebody on
the phone.
Well, I'll tell you
what's going on.
What?
Some new tenants
are moving in.
Oh, who's she talking to on
the phone?
Ethel. There's two
moving vans down there,
one in front
and one in back.
She's hanging out
the living room window
with our phone in her hand.
Ethel's the advance scout and
Lucy's covering the rear.
Oh, those two characters.
Yeah. Nothing gets by
the snoopers' patrol.
Could I have a bite
of breakfast with you?
Ethel's too busy
to make mine.
Sure.
Sit down, Fred.
Help yourself.
Thank you.
(chuckling)
(whistles)
An automatic washer
and an automatic dryer.
A fox stole
and a full-length mink coat?
How do you know it's mink?
Has a Saks label in it, huh?
Ethel must be using
my binoculars.
Uh-huh. A green couch
and a modern desk.
Got it. Over and out.
Lucy.
What?
Don't you think you're
being a little nosy?
Can I help it
if the moving men
happen to be bringing
something in
while I just happen to be
on the back porch?
Besides, a little
friendly inventory
never hurt anyone.
Now, what are
you gonna do?
Don't fight it.
Nosiness is just part
of a woman's charm
like hanging stockings in
the bathroom and nagging.
ETHEL:
Lucy!
There's the other one.
ETHEL: LUCY:
Lucy! Yeah?
That does it. They're all
moved in in front.
Yeah, they're finished
out here, too.
Oh! If I could just have
seen that mink coat.
It was just
gorgeous. Was it?
What do you suppose was
in all those big boxes?
I don't know. Isn't
it sneaky of them
bringing things in
in closed boxes,
so we can't see
what's in them?
I'll say it is.
Honest to
goodness...
Lucy?
What?
How do you feel?
Fine.
Are you all
right, Ethel?
Sure. Why?
Fred, I'd like to report to you
that contrary to what
you've always been told,
curiosity does not kill a cat.
Oh, you think
you're so smart.
What else do you know
about them, Ethel?
All I know is that
their name is Johnson.
I didn't get a chance to
ask her anything else.
Well, let's go up and
give her the third degree.
I mean, pay her a visit.
You know, if I didn't
live here already,
I sure wouldn't move in.
(doorbell buzzes)
I wonder who that is.
Pardon me, could you tell me
where I can find Mrs. Mertz?
She isn't in her apartment.
Yeah, she's here.
Won't you come in?
Oh, thank you very much.
I'm Mrs. Johnson,
the new tenant.
Oh, Mrs. Johnson!
Oh, come over and
sit down, dear.
Why, thank you.
I hate to bother you all,
but I just wondered if
Mrs. Mertz
had an extra set of keys for
our apartment.
Yeah, yeah, I'll get her,
I'll get her.
Ethel,
she's here.
Who?
I got her right in there, Mrs.
Johnson.
Yeah, come on.
Mrs. Johnson?
What?
Lucy!
What are you gonna
do, grill her?
Like a cheese sandwich.
Come on, Rick,
we'd better watch this.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Johnson.
I'm glad to see you.
I'd like for you
to meet Mr. Ricardo.
And this is my
husband, Mr. Mertz.
How do you do?
Charmed, I'm sure.
Mrs. Mertz, honey,
could you let me
in my apartment?
I'm such a cotton-headed ninny,
I locked myself out.
Why certainly, dear.
Fred, go get the other key
to Mrs. Johnson's apartment.
I've got a key right here in
my pocket.
The one that's
in our apartment.
All right.
And don't hurry.
This will give
us a chance
to get acquainted
with Mrs. Johnson.
Yes, Mrs. Johnson,
if you're going to live here, we
should know all about you.
Now, we'll tell you all
about us,
and you tell us all
about you.
I'll go first. What
does your husband do?
Why, he's in oil.
Hair, suntan, cod
liver or castor?
Oh, heavens.
We don't mess with
any of them in Texas.
He's got oil wells.
Oil wells? Oil wells?
Well, just a couple of
those little bitty ones.
Well, uh, those little bitty
ones, they do pump oil?
Well, not as much as
you're pumping her, dear.
Mrs. Johnson, I-I-I must
apologize for my wife.
Apologize?
Oh...
Why, we
in Texas,
just call that
being neighborly.
Oh, yeah.
MAN:
Nancy? Nancy?
Where are you?
Oh, I'm in here, Sam.
Oh, there you are, my!
Pardon me, folks,
I-I don't mean
to-to barge in.
That's all right.
Sam, I want you to meet
the nicest people.
This is Mrs. Mertz.
How do you do?
How do you do,
Mr. Johnson?
And this is
Mrs. Ricardo.
How do you do, How are you, Mr.
Johnson? ma'am?
And Mr. Ricardo.
How are you, sir?
How do you do?
And this is
Mr. Mertz.
It's my
pleasure, sir.
How are you, sir?
Mr. Johnson, your wife tells us
that you dabble in oil wells.
(guffaws)
Now, Nancy, honey,
I told you not
to go around
telling people that.
It's not that I'm ashamed of it,
but it's just that everybody's
always pestering me
to-to buy into my new well.
Well, I can certainly
understand that, Mr. Johnson.
Yeah, I guess
everybody
likes to get in on a
sure thing like that.
Oh, uh-huh.
But I don't like
to-to build up
all those nice
people's hope
and then have to
disappoint them.
You see, I only have
a few shares left.
Oh?
I wouldn't be selling any shares
only, well, doggone it,
I like people.
And as long as we had to go
extra deep for this gusher,
I says to myself,
"Sam, why don't you give
somebody else a chance
to be rich, too?"
Well, come on,
Nancy, honey.
We've got to
start unpacking.
Here's your key, Mrs. Johnson.
Oh, thank you.
You're very
nice people.
Nice meeting you.
Good-bye. Bye,
sir.
Good-bye.
He's got shares
to sell.
(Lucy and Ethel chattering)
Wait a minute,
everybody!
Now, just hold it a
minute, everybody.
Let's not get excited over
nothing.
Nothing? Mr. Johnson
has shares to sell
in his oil well.
So?
So get your checkbook!
Are you crazy or something?
Do you think that I'm
gonna buy oil stock
from a perfectly stranger?
Oh, now listen,
he looks honest.
I can tell.
He has a kind face
and nice eyes.
He's got a kind face and
nice eyes.
Yeah.
Well, he has.
Look, if he's a millionaire,
what is he doing
living in this dump?
Dump?! Dump?!
Yeah, to a millionaire, this
is a dump.
I accept that.
What's he doing
living here?
He already told us
why he's living here.
If he lived in a fancy hotel,
people would pester him.
Nobody'd think of
looking for him here.
Look, honey, I
don't care what you say.
I don't want any part of
any oil stock.
Oh!
Tough luck, Lucy.
Fred, this is our one
big chance.
What are you going to
do about it?
Are you going to be a
dumb bunny, too?
Uh, what's up, Doc?
Oh...
Oh...
Let's face it, Ethel.
This is our one chance
to move on easy street
and we're married to
a couple of roadblocks.
Now Ricky, Now
listen, Fred! listen!
(clamoring)
Where have you been?
Oh, eh, out getting a paper.
Oh.
Ricky?
Yeah?
About that oil well...
Oh, no. I thought
we dropped the subject.
Well, I'm picking it up again.
Listen, I've
been thinking...
maybe that oil stock
wouldn't cost us
as much as we think.
Now, look, you could
take our savings,
then I'll pay you
back out of the money
that I save out of
my household account.
Lucy, with the money you save out
of your household account,
we couldn't buy enough oil for
a salad.
Oh...
Are you gonna sit there and let
this opportunity slip by?
Do you think
I like being poor?
Do you think I like living in
this little apartment
doing my own housework?
Washing and ironing and cleaning and
sweeping and cooking.
(crooning):
La de da da...
I wouldn't mind if
you couldn't help it,
but when I think how
you're throwing away
the one chance in our lives to
become millionaires...
(crooning):
La de..
Well, I don't care.
I think this is a
good opportunity.
Now, look, the subject
is closed.
I don't want to hear
another word.
The man doesn't have
any more stock to sell
and that's the end of it.
Why I can't make
you see
that just maybe...
How do you know
he doesn't have
any more stock to sell?
Oh, yeah, well, uh...
I-I didn't think it would hurt
anything to find out
a little more about the stock,
you know.
So, uh, this morning I-I went
upstairs and I talked to him
and he said that he doesn't
have any more left.
That means he must have sold
those shares to someone
between last night
and this morning.
Now, who in the world
could it have been?
Fred!
Howdy, partner.
Could you all, uh, spare
a dish of coffee
for an oil tycoon?
Well, a fine
friend you are!
Now, what's the matter?
We wanted to buy
that stock.
Well, you didn't sound
like it last night.
You didn't either.
Did you tell them, Fred?
Well, Ethel, I hope you're happy now
that you jumped our claim.
What are you
talking about?
We wanted to buy that stock,
as if you didn't know.
How could we know?
Then why did you rush in
and change your minds
just before we did?
What a sneaky thing to do.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Well, Ricky, when
money comes into it,
you certainly find out
who your friends are.
I wouldn't be surprised if they
refused to split with us now.
Split? Split?
You had just as much chance to
buy it as we did.
Yes, Lucy, Fred is right.
We had just as much chance to
buy it as they did.
We just have to
face it, honey,
the Mertzes will be rich, and
we'll still be poor.
Oh, now, don't go putting
on a poor mouth.
Well, maybe someday
they'll invite us
to their penthouse.
'Course I don't mind
so much for myself.
I was just thinking
about poor little Ricky.
That money could have gone
for his college education.
Well, that's certainly
hitting a rich godmother
below my money belt.
Poor little Ricky.
Yeah.
My son.
Yeah.
Oh, all right, all
right.
We'll split it with
you.
That's
wonderful!
Fred, you're a pal!
That's the least I
could do, I guess.
Now, we've got ten shares, and
we'll give you one.
That really is
the least you can do.
All right, two.
Okay, three.
We have three.
Do I hear four?
Four.
We have four.
Do I hear five?
Five.
Oh, now, just
a minute.
Oh, come on, Fred.
Yeah, Fred.
What's five shares to a
big oil typhoon like you?
That's tycoon.
All right, then, you
can have five.
Do I hear six?
Lucy...
Oh, I'm just kidding.
That's really very
generous of you, Fred.
I wish there were some way
that we could repay you.
Well, there is. You
can pay me for the
five shares.
Oh. Write him out
a check, Ricky.
How much is it, Fred?
$600.
$600?
Oh, what's the
difference, honey?
In a week or so, we'll
all be millionaires.
Sure.
All right, partner!
We'll all be rich.
In a week or so!
(all talking at once)
Good mornin', Lucy-Lu.
Hi, Ethel, honey.
Are those new furs?
No. They're yesterday's.
Oh.
(guffaws)
How much did they cost?
Does Rockefeller tell DuPont?
(chuckles)
I got them on approval just
like you did that mink coat.
Yeah.
How do you like my hat?
Oh, I like it. It's
dreamy.
I got a new hat, too.
Let me see it.
Aw...
Oh, that is
really wonderful.
My, let me see
the top of...
That's great.
Howdy, folks. Howdy.
LUCY: Hi,
Fred.
How do you like
those furs?
Pretty classy, huh?
Oh, yeah.
They're wonderful.
You know, I think I'm gonna like
being a millionaire.
Millionaire, millionaire.
You know, I've
said it so often
that it doesn't mean
much anymore.
You know something?
What?
We might even get
to be billionaires.
Yeah, or even
trillionaires.
Or even zillionaires.
Yeah, or even...
What comes
after zillionaires?
The income tax department.
Oh, Fred.
RICKY:
Lucy!
Yeah, we're in here, Tex.
Tex?
I mean Cube.
FRED:
You drill any more
wells today, partner?
Hiya, partner.
Good mornin', Ricky.
(laughs)
Don't you think
you're going
a little too far?
Well, now, how do you
expect us to dress
if we're going to be
Texas oillionaires?
Well, I don't know,
but my father always told me,
"Never cross your chickens
before your bridges
is hatched."
What was that?
What was that again?
You know
what it means.
It means, tha-that
don't go spending
your money
before you get it.
"Don't go spending your money
before you get it."
(phone ringing)
(mocking tone):
"Don't go spending your money
before you get it."
Hello.
Oh.
Oh, yes, I see.
Oh, yes, I'll tell Mr. Ricardo.
Yes.
Well?
That man wanted me to tell you
that your custom-built,
periwinkle-blue Cadillac
would cost $12,000.
And, yes, they could fix
the horn to play "Babaloo."
Oh, look who isn't
spending his money.
Well, I was just digging up a
little bit of information,
that's all.
You don't see me
spending my money before...
I know, I know.
"...before your bridges
is hatched."
(doorbell buzzes)
$12,000!
Periwinkle blue.
How do you
like that?
Somebody's at the door.
Good afternoon. Oh,
hello.
Say, do you know where
I can find the mana...?
Hi, Fred. Hi.
Oh, hi, Ken.
Say, have you got a fella
living in the building
by the name of Johnson?
Yeah, he's
upstairs in 4-B.
I rang there. I guess
they must not be home.
Well, is there anything
I can do for you?
No, no. I just want
to talk with him
about some oil stock.
Oh?
Yeah. I'll
catch him later.
So long, folks.
So long.
So long.
ETHEL: Hey,
he looks familiar.
LUCY:
Yeah, who is he?
Yeah.
He's a detective.
We must be in on
a pretty good deal.
If he's going to buy
some of the stock,
it must be okay.
Suppose he doesn't want to
see Mr. Johnson
about buying the stock?
Well, what other reason
would he want to see...
We have been
swindled!
Sure!
I knew the minute I
laid eyes on that man
that he was a crook.
You said he had a kind face!
Yeah, I didn't say what kind.
Well, there goes all
our hard-earned money.
How do you
like that?
Wait a minute. Wait
a minute.
There must be some way out
of this.
After all, he promised us
a big gusher
would come in any day.
Yeah.
Well, we don't
have any proof
that he said that.
We have to have evidence.
Evidence?
Evidence?
That's what we got to
get-- evidence.
Oh, that's gonna to be
a little hard to find.
(all muttering)
We got to
get some.
What do I know about oil?
I got to get mixed up with
this character here.
We got to prove what
he said right...
Watch out where you're going!
Well, don't
get mad at me.
I'm in this just as
much as you are.
You are in this
exactly as much as we are.
No wonder you wanted to unload all
those shares on us.
Unload?! Unload?!
Well, maybe unload
is not the right word.
But, after all, Fred,
we all know how you are with
your money.
And it was pretty obvious the
way you begged us
to take the stock off
your hands.
We begged you?!
See, he admits it.
Come on, Fred.
Let's get
out of here.
That's the
thanks we get.
Yeah.
If you're the kind of people
we would have had
to associate with
if we were millionaires,
I'm glad we were wiped out!
Ethel.
I'm not speaking to you.
I know, I'm not speaking
to you either,
but this is an emergency.
Can we have
a five-minute truce?
I know how we can get our
money back.
How? How?
See this tape
recorder?
Yeah.
Ricky said we needed evidence.
Now, I am going to get Mr.
Johnson
to repeat everything
that he promised us
about the oil wells.
Oh, he won't say a word
if he sees that recorder.
Naturally.
You are going to
hide out in the hall
and run the recorder.
Now, look. See
this microphone?
I have it hidden right here.
Yeah.
Look at that.
Uh-huh.
I have the wire run down
inside my slacks, see?
Gee.
Listen, Ethel, Oh.
if this works,
we won't have any reason to
be mad at each other anymore.
(chuckles)
Shall we do it
right now?
Yeah. Come on. I have to carry this
up in the hall...
There. It's
all plugged in.
Now I have to put
this in here.
Now, when I get inside,
you press this button
and turn this to this side.
Okay.
Okay.
And then let the cord out
as I move around
the apartment.
Now, when I get all
the evidence I need,
and I'm ready to leave,
I'll jerk on the cord
twice like this.
Yeah.
See? And then you
reel me in fast because
I'll be ready to come out.
Okay. Okay.
Now, listen.
Keep the cord
very taut
so that you'll know
when I'm ready.
Keep it taut.
Okay, all right.
Don't give me any slack.
No, I won't.
(doorbell buzzes)
(buzzing)
Hello.
Oh, Mrs. Ricardo.
Won't you come in?
Thank you.
Sam, we've got company.
You have to excuse the
way I look.
I was just doing some more of
our unpacking.
Well, that's all right.
Well, well, howdy, little lady!
Hello, Mr. Johnson.
I hope you don't mind my
dropping in like this,
but I wanted
to talk to you.
Glad to have you
any time at all.
Excuse me.
I'll continue my unpacking.
Certainly.
Mr. Johnson,
it's just that
I'm terribly
worried about
the oil stock
we bought from you.
SAM:
Well, honey child,
don't let it bother
your pretty little redhead.
No, sir, that oil stock is
just as safe
as U.S. government bonds.
And in no time at all,
you...
Uh.... would you
repeat that, please?
Huh?
I said, would you
repeat that, please,
just to reassure me?
Well, I said
those oil stocks
was as safe as
U.S. government bonds.
Uh-huh.
And in no time at all,
you'll be rolling in money.
Oh, that's right.
As soon as that
well comes in,
You won't be able
to count the money,
it'll come in so fast.
Have you any idea how much
money we'll be making?
Oh, you ought to get back your
investment,
oh, I would say, a
hundred times over.
Why, the fact of the matter is,
Mrs. Ricardo,
I wouldn't worry none.
After all, I wouldn't let
you invest in a well
that wasn't gonna come in.
Uh, Mrs. Ricardo...
are you all right?
Oh, yes, yes,
I'm all right.
I'm just a little
nervous, I guess,
about all the money
I've invested.
Well, now,
honey child,
you don't need to
worry none.
No?
Mercy no.
You can trust Sam.
Well, I've been in this game a
long time, Mrs. Ricardo,
and I've seen a lot of
wells in my day,
but I look for this well to
be a real lollapalooza.
Why, do you know, Mrs. Ricardo?
Unless I miss my guess...
How's that?
I said unless I
miss my guess,
this little baby is
gonna gush
like no gusher ever
gushed before.
Uh, uh, whoa!
What's going on here?
Well, what's
that cord?
Oh, Ethel,
all right, Ethel!
Ethel, stop!
Ethel!
I'll tell you what's going on.
We have
all the evidence we need
on a tape recorder
out in the hall.
Evidence?
Yes, evidence.
Evidence that you two are
trying to swindle us.
Swindle?!
Now, wait a minute.
Our money, or we are
going to the police.
Now, you're making a
big mistake.
Our money, please.
Why, that well's liable to
come in anytime.
Are you gonna give us
our money
or will we take this recording
to the police?
Now, just a minute,
ma'am.
Down Texas way, a
deal is a deal.
Our money, please.
Sam, if that's
the way she feels,
give her back her
nasty little old money.
All right, honey pot.
Thank you very much.
All right, Ethel,
reel me in!
Uh...
Ethel, slack up a bit.
Well, here's to the smartest,
cleverest, little wife
in the whole world.
Hear! Hear!
It really
wasn't anything.
Oh, let him tell
all about it again.
I like to hear it.
Well, so do I.
Well, I tell you, honey,
that was the greatest idea
you ever had.
Oh, thank you.
We're all out of this mess,
and we owe it all to you.
Well...
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Shh...
What's the matter?
(doorbell buzzes)
Fred, that sounds
like our buzzer.
Go see if somebody's
at our door.
All right.
I didn't know you could
hear our buzzer in here.
Sure. How do we know when
you have company?
(laughing)
FRED:
Oh, Ken.
Oh, there
you are.
We're over here.
Oh, say, I wonder if
I could use your
phone a moment.
Use ours.
Oh, thanks, thanks.
This one can't wait.
I... I just made
the greatest...
greatest buy
in my life
from that... from
that Johnson fella.
You bought something
from Mr. Johnson?
Yeah, yeah. Oil stock.
Honey, honey,
I got it.
Yeah, for
a while there,
I thought it was
going to be too late.
Yeah, but-but Mr. Johnson said
that some dopes returned the
block of stock to him,
and he sold it
to me five minutes
before we got a wire
saying they struck oil.
KEN:
Yeah, you can get
that mink coat now.
Ha, ha, ha!
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
And open up
that champagne.
I'll be right home.
Good-bye.
Thanks a lot, folks.
La de la da
da da de de...
("I Love Lucy" theme song
playing)
ANNOUNCER:
I Love Lucy is a
Desilu production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week
at this same time.
ANNOUNCER 2:
This is the
CBS Television Network.
playing)
Lucy?
Oh, good morning, dear.
Good morning.
Lucy, what are you doing?
Lucy?
Pardon me, dear.
(whistles)
A refrigerator,
a deep freeze
and a chrome dinette set.
Hi, Rick.
Hi, Fred.
Where're you going?
I want to find out
what's going on with her.
She keeps running out into
the back porch,
and then she comes in here
and talks to somebody on
the phone.
Well, I'll tell you
what's going on.
What?
Some new tenants
are moving in.
Oh, who's she talking to on
the phone?
Ethel. There's two
moving vans down there,
one in front
and one in back.
She's hanging out
the living room window
with our phone in her hand.
Ethel's the advance scout and
Lucy's covering the rear.
Oh, those two characters.
Yeah. Nothing gets by
the snoopers' patrol.
Could I have a bite
of breakfast with you?
Ethel's too busy
to make mine.
Sure.
Sit down, Fred.
Help yourself.
Thank you.
(chuckling)
(whistles)
An automatic washer
and an automatic dryer.
A fox stole
and a full-length mink coat?
How do you know it's mink?
Has a Saks label in it, huh?
Ethel must be using
my binoculars.
Uh-huh. A green couch
and a modern desk.
Got it. Over and out.
Lucy.
What?
Don't you think you're
being a little nosy?
Can I help it
if the moving men
happen to be bringing
something in
while I just happen to be
on the back porch?
Besides, a little
friendly inventory
never hurt anyone.
Now, what are
you gonna do?
Don't fight it.
Nosiness is just part
of a woman's charm
like hanging stockings in
the bathroom and nagging.
ETHEL:
Lucy!
There's the other one.
ETHEL: LUCY:
Lucy! Yeah?
That does it. They're all
moved in in front.
Yeah, they're finished
out here, too.
Oh! If I could just have
seen that mink coat.
It was just
gorgeous. Was it?
What do you suppose was
in all those big boxes?
I don't know. Isn't
it sneaky of them
bringing things in
in closed boxes,
so we can't see
what's in them?
I'll say it is.
Honest to
goodness...
Lucy?
What?
How do you feel?
Fine.
Are you all
right, Ethel?
Sure. Why?
Fred, I'd like to report to you
that contrary to what
you've always been told,
curiosity does not kill a cat.
Oh, you think
you're so smart.
What else do you know
about them, Ethel?
All I know is that
their name is Johnson.
I didn't get a chance to
ask her anything else.
Well, let's go up and
give her the third degree.
I mean, pay her a visit.
You know, if I didn't
live here already,
I sure wouldn't move in.
(doorbell buzzes)
I wonder who that is.
Pardon me, could you tell me
where I can find Mrs. Mertz?
She isn't in her apartment.
Yeah, she's here.
Won't you come in?
Oh, thank you very much.
I'm Mrs. Johnson,
the new tenant.
Oh, Mrs. Johnson!
Oh, come over and
sit down, dear.
Why, thank you.
I hate to bother you all,
but I just wondered if
Mrs. Mertz
had an extra set of keys for
our apartment.
Yeah, yeah, I'll get her,
I'll get her.
Ethel,
she's here.
Who?
I got her right in there, Mrs.
Johnson.
Yeah, come on.
Mrs. Johnson?
What?
Lucy!
What are you gonna
do, grill her?
Like a cheese sandwich.
Come on, Rick,
we'd better watch this.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Johnson.
I'm glad to see you.
I'd like for you
to meet Mr. Ricardo.
And this is my
husband, Mr. Mertz.
How do you do?
Charmed, I'm sure.
Mrs. Mertz, honey,
could you let me
in my apartment?
I'm such a cotton-headed ninny,
I locked myself out.
Why certainly, dear.
Fred, go get the other key
to Mrs. Johnson's apartment.
I've got a key right here in
my pocket.
The one that's
in our apartment.
All right.
And don't hurry.
This will give
us a chance
to get acquainted
with Mrs. Johnson.
Yes, Mrs. Johnson,
if you're going to live here, we
should know all about you.
Now, we'll tell you all
about us,
and you tell us all
about you.
I'll go first. What
does your husband do?
Why, he's in oil.
Hair, suntan, cod
liver or castor?
Oh, heavens.
We don't mess with
any of them in Texas.
He's got oil wells.
Oil wells? Oil wells?
Well, just a couple of
those little bitty ones.
Well, uh, those little bitty
ones, they do pump oil?
Well, not as much as
you're pumping her, dear.
Mrs. Johnson, I-I-I must
apologize for my wife.
Apologize?
Oh...
Why, we
in Texas,
just call that
being neighborly.
Oh, yeah.
MAN:
Nancy? Nancy?
Where are you?
Oh, I'm in here, Sam.
Oh, there you are, my!
Pardon me, folks,
I-I don't mean
to-to barge in.
That's all right.
Sam, I want you to meet
the nicest people.
This is Mrs. Mertz.
How do you do?
How do you do,
Mr. Johnson?
And this is
Mrs. Ricardo.
How do you do, How are you, Mr.
Johnson? ma'am?
And Mr. Ricardo.
How are you, sir?
How do you do?
And this is
Mr. Mertz.
It's my
pleasure, sir.
How are you, sir?
Mr. Johnson, your wife tells us
that you dabble in oil wells.
(guffaws)
Now, Nancy, honey,
I told you not
to go around
telling people that.
It's not that I'm ashamed of it,
but it's just that everybody's
always pestering me
to-to buy into my new well.
Well, I can certainly
understand that, Mr. Johnson.
Yeah, I guess
everybody
likes to get in on a
sure thing like that.
Oh, uh-huh.
But I don't like
to-to build up
all those nice
people's hope
and then have to
disappoint them.
You see, I only have
a few shares left.
Oh?
I wouldn't be selling any shares
only, well, doggone it,
I like people.
And as long as we had to go
extra deep for this gusher,
I says to myself,
"Sam, why don't you give
somebody else a chance
to be rich, too?"
Well, come on,
Nancy, honey.
We've got to
start unpacking.
Here's your key, Mrs. Johnson.
Oh, thank you.
You're very
nice people.
Nice meeting you.
Good-bye. Bye,
sir.
Good-bye.
He's got shares
to sell.
(Lucy and Ethel chattering)
Wait a minute,
everybody!
Now, just hold it a
minute, everybody.
Let's not get excited over
nothing.
Nothing? Mr. Johnson
has shares to sell
in his oil well.
So?
So get your checkbook!
Are you crazy or something?
Do you think that I'm
gonna buy oil stock
from a perfectly stranger?
Oh, now listen,
he looks honest.
I can tell.
He has a kind face
and nice eyes.
He's got a kind face and
nice eyes.
Yeah.
Well, he has.
Look, if he's a millionaire,
what is he doing
living in this dump?
Dump?! Dump?!
Yeah, to a millionaire, this
is a dump.
I accept that.
What's he doing
living here?
He already told us
why he's living here.
If he lived in a fancy hotel,
people would pester him.
Nobody'd think of
looking for him here.
Look, honey, I
don't care what you say.
I don't want any part of
any oil stock.
Oh!
Tough luck, Lucy.
Fred, this is our one
big chance.
What are you going to
do about it?
Are you going to be a
dumb bunny, too?
Uh, what's up, Doc?
Oh...
Oh...
Let's face it, Ethel.
This is our one chance
to move on easy street
and we're married to
a couple of roadblocks.
Now Ricky, Now
listen, Fred! listen!
(clamoring)
Where have you been?
Oh, eh, out getting a paper.
Oh.
Ricky?
Yeah?
About that oil well...
Oh, no. I thought
we dropped the subject.
Well, I'm picking it up again.
Listen, I've
been thinking...
maybe that oil stock
wouldn't cost us
as much as we think.
Now, look, you could
take our savings,
then I'll pay you
back out of the money
that I save out of
my household account.
Lucy, with the money you save out
of your household account,
we couldn't buy enough oil for
a salad.
Oh...
Are you gonna sit there and let
this opportunity slip by?
Do you think
I like being poor?
Do you think I like living in
this little apartment
doing my own housework?
Washing and ironing and cleaning and
sweeping and cooking.
(crooning):
La de da da...
I wouldn't mind if
you couldn't help it,
but when I think how
you're throwing away
the one chance in our lives to
become millionaires...
(crooning):
La de..
Well, I don't care.
I think this is a
good opportunity.
Now, look, the subject
is closed.
I don't want to hear
another word.
The man doesn't have
any more stock to sell
and that's the end of it.
Why I can't make
you see
that just maybe...
How do you know
he doesn't have
any more stock to sell?
Oh, yeah, well, uh...
I-I didn't think it would hurt
anything to find out
a little more about the stock,
you know.
So, uh, this morning I-I went
upstairs and I talked to him
and he said that he doesn't
have any more left.
That means he must have sold
those shares to someone
between last night
and this morning.
Now, who in the world
could it have been?
Fred!
Howdy, partner.
Could you all, uh, spare
a dish of coffee
for an oil tycoon?
Well, a fine
friend you are!
Now, what's the matter?
We wanted to buy
that stock.
Well, you didn't sound
like it last night.
You didn't either.
Did you tell them, Fred?
Well, Ethel, I hope you're happy now
that you jumped our claim.
What are you
talking about?
We wanted to buy that stock,
as if you didn't know.
How could we know?
Then why did you rush in
and change your minds
just before we did?
What a sneaky thing to do.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Well, Ricky, when
money comes into it,
you certainly find out
who your friends are.
I wouldn't be surprised if they
refused to split with us now.
Split? Split?
You had just as much chance to
buy it as we did.
Yes, Lucy, Fred is right.
We had just as much chance to
buy it as they did.
We just have to
face it, honey,
the Mertzes will be rich, and
we'll still be poor.
Oh, now, don't go putting
on a poor mouth.
Well, maybe someday
they'll invite us
to their penthouse.
'Course I don't mind
so much for myself.
I was just thinking
about poor little Ricky.
That money could have gone
for his college education.
Well, that's certainly
hitting a rich godmother
below my money belt.
Poor little Ricky.
Yeah.
My son.
Yeah.
Oh, all right, all
right.
We'll split it with
you.
That's
wonderful!
Fred, you're a pal!
That's the least I
could do, I guess.
Now, we've got ten shares, and
we'll give you one.
That really is
the least you can do.
All right, two.
Okay, three.
We have three.
Do I hear four?
Four.
We have four.
Do I hear five?
Five.
Oh, now, just
a minute.
Oh, come on, Fred.
Yeah, Fred.
What's five shares to a
big oil typhoon like you?
That's tycoon.
All right, then, you
can have five.
Do I hear six?
Lucy...
Oh, I'm just kidding.
That's really very
generous of you, Fred.
I wish there were some way
that we could repay you.
Well, there is. You
can pay me for the
five shares.
Oh. Write him out
a check, Ricky.
How much is it, Fred?
$600.
$600?
Oh, what's the
difference, honey?
In a week or so, we'll
all be millionaires.
Sure.
All right, partner!
We'll all be rich.
In a week or so!
(all talking at once)
Good mornin', Lucy-Lu.
Hi, Ethel, honey.
Are those new furs?
No. They're yesterday's.
Oh.
(guffaws)
How much did they cost?
Does Rockefeller tell DuPont?
(chuckles)
I got them on approval just
like you did that mink coat.
Yeah.
How do you like my hat?
Oh, I like it. It's
dreamy.
I got a new hat, too.
Let me see it.
Aw...
Oh, that is
really wonderful.
My, let me see
the top of...
That's great.
Howdy, folks. Howdy.
LUCY: Hi,
Fred.
How do you like
those furs?
Pretty classy, huh?
Oh, yeah.
They're wonderful.
You know, I think I'm gonna like
being a millionaire.
Millionaire, millionaire.
You know, I've
said it so often
that it doesn't mean
much anymore.
You know something?
What?
We might even get
to be billionaires.
Yeah, or even
trillionaires.
Or even zillionaires.
Yeah, or even...
What comes
after zillionaires?
The income tax department.
Oh, Fred.
RICKY:
Lucy!
Yeah, we're in here, Tex.
Tex?
I mean Cube.
FRED:
You drill any more
wells today, partner?
Hiya, partner.
Good mornin', Ricky.
(laughs)
Don't you think
you're going
a little too far?
Well, now, how do you
expect us to dress
if we're going to be
Texas oillionaires?
Well, I don't know,
but my father always told me,
"Never cross your chickens
before your bridges
is hatched."
What was that?
What was that again?
You know
what it means.
It means, tha-that
don't go spending
your money
before you get it.
"Don't go spending your money
before you get it."
(phone ringing)
(mocking tone):
"Don't go spending your money
before you get it."
Hello.
Oh.
Oh, yes, I see.
Oh, yes, I'll tell Mr. Ricardo.
Yes.
Well?
That man wanted me to tell you
that your custom-built,
periwinkle-blue Cadillac
would cost $12,000.
And, yes, they could fix
the horn to play "Babaloo."
Oh, look who isn't
spending his money.
Well, I was just digging up a
little bit of information,
that's all.
You don't see me
spending my money before...
I know, I know.
"...before your bridges
is hatched."
(doorbell buzzes)
$12,000!
Periwinkle blue.
How do you
like that?
Somebody's at the door.
Good afternoon. Oh,
hello.
Say, do you know where
I can find the mana...?
Hi, Fred. Hi.
Oh, hi, Ken.
Say, have you got a fella
living in the building
by the name of Johnson?
Yeah, he's
upstairs in 4-B.
I rang there. I guess
they must not be home.
Well, is there anything
I can do for you?
No, no. I just want
to talk with him
about some oil stock.
Oh?
Yeah. I'll
catch him later.
So long, folks.
So long.
So long.
ETHEL: Hey,
he looks familiar.
LUCY:
Yeah, who is he?
Yeah.
He's a detective.
We must be in on
a pretty good deal.
If he's going to buy
some of the stock,
it must be okay.
Suppose he doesn't want to
see Mr. Johnson
about buying the stock?
Well, what other reason
would he want to see...
We have been
swindled!
Sure!
I knew the minute I
laid eyes on that man
that he was a crook.
You said he had a kind face!
Yeah, I didn't say what kind.
Well, there goes all
our hard-earned money.
How do you
like that?
Wait a minute. Wait
a minute.
There must be some way out
of this.
After all, he promised us
a big gusher
would come in any day.
Yeah.
Well, we don't
have any proof
that he said that.
We have to have evidence.
Evidence?
Evidence?
That's what we got to
get-- evidence.
Oh, that's gonna to be
a little hard to find.
(all muttering)
We got to
get some.
What do I know about oil?
I got to get mixed up with
this character here.
We got to prove what
he said right...
Watch out where you're going!
Well, don't
get mad at me.
I'm in this just as
much as you are.
You are in this
exactly as much as we are.
No wonder you wanted to unload all
those shares on us.
Unload?! Unload?!
Well, maybe unload
is not the right word.
But, after all, Fred,
we all know how you are with
your money.
And it was pretty obvious the
way you begged us
to take the stock off
your hands.
We begged you?!
See, he admits it.
Come on, Fred.
Let's get
out of here.
That's the
thanks we get.
Yeah.
If you're the kind of people
we would have had
to associate with
if we were millionaires,
I'm glad we were wiped out!
Ethel.
I'm not speaking to you.
I know, I'm not speaking
to you either,
but this is an emergency.
Can we have
a five-minute truce?
I know how we can get our
money back.
How? How?
See this tape
recorder?
Yeah.
Ricky said we needed evidence.
Now, I am going to get Mr.
Johnson
to repeat everything
that he promised us
about the oil wells.
Oh, he won't say a word
if he sees that recorder.
Naturally.
You are going to
hide out in the hall
and run the recorder.
Now, look. See
this microphone?
I have it hidden right here.
Yeah.
Look at that.
Uh-huh.
I have the wire run down
inside my slacks, see?
Gee.
Listen, Ethel, Oh.
if this works,
we won't have any reason to
be mad at each other anymore.
(chuckles)
Shall we do it
right now?
Yeah. Come on. I have to carry this
up in the hall...
There. It's
all plugged in.
Now I have to put
this in here.
Now, when I get inside,
you press this button
and turn this to this side.
Okay.
Okay.
And then let the cord out
as I move around
the apartment.
Now, when I get all
the evidence I need,
and I'm ready to leave,
I'll jerk on the cord
twice like this.
Yeah.
See? And then you
reel me in fast because
I'll be ready to come out.
Okay. Okay.
Now, listen.
Keep the cord
very taut
so that you'll know
when I'm ready.
Keep it taut.
Okay, all right.
Don't give me any slack.
No, I won't.
(doorbell buzzes)
(buzzing)
Hello.
Oh, Mrs. Ricardo.
Won't you come in?
Thank you.
Sam, we've got company.
You have to excuse the
way I look.
I was just doing some more of
our unpacking.
Well, that's all right.
Well, well, howdy, little lady!
Hello, Mr. Johnson.
I hope you don't mind my
dropping in like this,
but I wanted
to talk to you.
Glad to have you
any time at all.
Excuse me.
I'll continue my unpacking.
Certainly.
Mr. Johnson,
it's just that
I'm terribly
worried about
the oil stock
we bought from you.
SAM:
Well, honey child,
don't let it bother
your pretty little redhead.
No, sir, that oil stock is
just as safe
as U.S. government bonds.
And in no time at all,
you...
Uh.... would you
repeat that, please?
Huh?
I said, would you
repeat that, please,
just to reassure me?
Well, I said
those oil stocks
was as safe as
U.S. government bonds.
Uh-huh.
And in no time at all,
you'll be rolling in money.
Oh, that's right.
As soon as that
well comes in,
You won't be able
to count the money,
it'll come in so fast.
Have you any idea how much
money we'll be making?
Oh, you ought to get back your
investment,
oh, I would say, a
hundred times over.
Why, the fact of the matter is,
Mrs. Ricardo,
I wouldn't worry none.
After all, I wouldn't let
you invest in a well
that wasn't gonna come in.
Uh, Mrs. Ricardo...
are you all right?
Oh, yes, yes,
I'm all right.
I'm just a little
nervous, I guess,
about all the money
I've invested.
Well, now,
honey child,
you don't need to
worry none.
No?
Mercy no.
You can trust Sam.
Well, I've been in this game a
long time, Mrs. Ricardo,
and I've seen a lot of
wells in my day,
but I look for this well to
be a real lollapalooza.
Why, do you know, Mrs. Ricardo?
Unless I miss my guess...
How's that?
I said unless I
miss my guess,
this little baby is
gonna gush
like no gusher ever
gushed before.
Uh, uh, whoa!
What's going on here?
Well, what's
that cord?
Oh, Ethel,
all right, Ethel!
Ethel, stop!
Ethel!
I'll tell you what's going on.
We have
all the evidence we need
on a tape recorder
out in the hall.
Evidence?
Yes, evidence.
Evidence that you two are
trying to swindle us.
Swindle?!
Now, wait a minute.
Our money, or we are
going to the police.
Now, you're making a
big mistake.
Our money, please.
Why, that well's liable to
come in anytime.
Are you gonna give us
our money
or will we take this recording
to the police?
Now, just a minute,
ma'am.
Down Texas way, a
deal is a deal.
Our money, please.
Sam, if that's
the way she feels,
give her back her
nasty little old money.
All right, honey pot.
Thank you very much.
All right, Ethel,
reel me in!
Uh...
Ethel, slack up a bit.
Well, here's to the smartest,
cleverest, little wife
in the whole world.
Hear! Hear!
It really
wasn't anything.
Oh, let him tell
all about it again.
I like to hear it.
Well, so do I.
Well, I tell you, honey,
that was the greatest idea
you ever had.
Oh, thank you.
We're all out of this mess,
and we owe it all to you.
Well...
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Shh...
What's the matter?
(doorbell buzzes)
Fred, that sounds
like our buzzer.
Go see if somebody's
at our door.
All right.
I didn't know you could
hear our buzzer in here.
Sure. How do we know when
you have company?
(laughing)
FRED:
Oh, Ken.
Oh, there
you are.
We're over here.
Oh, say, I wonder if
I could use your
phone a moment.
Use ours.
Oh, thanks, thanks.
This one can't wait.
I... I just made
the greatest...
greatest buy
in my life
from that... from
that Johnson fella.
You bought something
from Mr. Johnson?
Yeah, yeah. Oil stock.
Honey, honey,
I got it.
Yeah, for
a while there,
I thought it was
going to be too late.
Yeah, but-but Mr. Johnson said
that some dopes returned the
block of stock to him,
and he sold it
to me five minutes
before we got a wire
saying they struck oil.
KEN:
Yeah, you can get
that mink coat now.
Ha, ha, ha!
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
And open up
that champagne.
I'll be right home.
Good-bye.
Thanks a lot, folks.
La de la da
da da de de...
("I Love Lucy" theme song
playing)
ANNOUNCER:
I Love Lucy is a
Desilu production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week
at this same time.
ANNOUNCER 2:
This is the
CBS Television Network.