I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 17 - Fan Magazine - full transcript

(I love Lucy theme music
plays)

Come on, Ricky, time to get up.

I'm out of half-and-half.

Thanks.

(door shuts)

(yawning)

What'll you have--
bacon or eggs?

I'll have some...

What do you mean,
"bacon or eggs"?

Why can't I have both?

Because.



"Because"?

Lucy, you mean
to tell me that

you're over your
food budget again?

Yes, I am, but
it's your fault.

My fault?

Yes. If you'd give
me more money,

this wouldn't happen.

"More money"?

Yeah. You're such
a peso pincher.

¿Mira que tiene cosa de decir
que yo soy un peso pincher?

Se gasta mas... mas dinero
en la casa que ninguna

mujer que yo conozco...

And don't jabber at me in a
foreign tongue.

That is not a foreign tongue,
that's Spanish.



Hi.

Hi, Fred.

Ethel tells me your
faucet's leaking.

Well, you didn't
have to rush over.

I told her two years ago.

I had to make a stop on the way.

(equipment clanking loudly)

Oh, Fred, do
you have to fix it now?

Can't you wait
till after breakfast?

Do you want it fixed or
not?

All right.

What's the matter
with everybody?

Everybody's so grumpy
every morning around here.

Grumpy?!

Who's grumpy?!

Never mind.

You didn't tell me
what you wanted--

bacon or eggs?

What are you
going to have?

Bacon.

I'll have an egg.

Okay.

I'll swap you half of my egg

for half of your bacon.

Well, that's a sneaky way
to get bacon and eggs.

(phone rings)

Hello?
(raucous creaking)

Hello? Who?
(rattling)

Hello, Jerry.
(clattering)

(clanging) What?

Hold it a minute, will you?

I'm trying to talk on the phone.

Will you hold it a minute?

I'm trying...

Hold it, please.

Hold it.

(banging)

(shouting):
Hold it!

Well!

And he says we're grumpy.

Yeah.

Yes, Jerry, what would you like?

I got you all set
for an interview

with Eleanor Harris,
the big magazine writer.

Oh?

Yeah. She wants to do an article

on a really happily married
couple, you know,

like you and Lucy.

Oh.

Yeah, she wants to spend
an entire day with you--

you know, take pictures
and everything--

right from the time you
get up in the morning.

Good idea. When
does she want to start?

Well, how about this morning?

You'd better wait till
tomorrow morning.

We'll be more
happily married then.

Okay. Well, see you tomorrow,
7:00 a.m.

Okay.

Oh, and Rick, she wants
to catch you

just the way you really are.

So, don't make any preparations
for this.

Okay, we'll be just the way
we are all the time.

Good-bye.

(raucous creaking)

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Hey, hey, hey!

A magazine writer is coming over
tomorrow morning

to do an article on you and me.

Oh?

Yeah. She's, she's
gonna do an article

on a couple of
happily married people.

What time is she coming?

7:00.

In the morning?!

Yeah!

Ew...

The idea is that she wants to
come early in the morning,

see, and take some pictures and
see us exactly as we are.

(doorbell buzzing)

(doorbell buzzing)

(doorbell buzzing)

Good morning.

Hi, Lucy. This is
Eleanor Harris.

Lucy Ricardo.

How do you do?
How do you do?

Nice to know you.
Won't you come in?

Well, thank you.

This is an awful thing
to do to anybody,

barging in at this
hour of the morning.

I hope you don't
mind too much.

Not at all.

We love company,
especially in the morning.

Won't you sit down?

Thanks.

Well, I can see
that you two kids

are going to get along
together just fine.

Oh, certainly, Jerry.

Well, I'll be running along.
All right.

I think I'll go home
and go back to bed.

Good-bye, Jerry.

Well, uh, what should we do
first?

Oh, don't pay any attention
to me.

You just go ahead and do

whatever you'd be doing
if I weren't here.

Oh. Oh, well, then I'll go
ahead and get breakfast.

Fine. What
would you like?

Oh, thanks. I've
already had mine.

Oh, all right.

Pardon me.

Uh, Mrs. Ricardo, do you
always dress like that

when you're
getting breakfast?

Oh, certainly.

I-I don't like to wear
my good things

just puttering around the house.

Uh, hold it.

Good morning, darling!

Oh, sweetheart,
good morning.

Angel...

You handsome...

Hold it!

Oh, I didn't know we
had company.

Yes. Yes, this
is Miss Harris

who came to do the magazine
interview, remember?

Oh, yes.
How do you do?

How do you do, Mr. Ricardo?

I hope you don't mind

our starting the interview so
early.

Oh, no, not at all.

We don't mind,
do we, dear?

Not at all, dear.

Won't you
sit down, dear?

Thank you.

Did you have a nice sleep,
darling?

Oh... yes, I slept like a top.

I awoke refreshed
and with a song on my lips.

(singing "Vesti La Giubba"
from Pagliacci )

Here's to you,
sweetheart.

Oh, no.
Here's to you, darling.

Oh, say, that's cute.
Hold it.

That's fun. Thanks.

Um, what are we having
for breakfast this morning?

Oh, the usual things:

waffles with sausages,
omelets with ham,

eggs Benedict--
take your choice.

Well, it's so hard to decide.

You know, Lucy
spoils me terribly.

Oh...

You know, I-I...

She's such a good manager

with the small amount of
money that I give her.

I-I don't see
how she does it at all.

Oh, darling, now,
anyone could run a household

on the generous allowance
that you give me every month.

Thank you, dear.

Well, I'll just
have something
simple this morning--

something like, uh...
bacon and eggs.

Okay.

Well, okay.

Hold it!

Good morning!

(affected): I
brought back the
half-and-half I borrowed.

Oh, I didn't know
you had company!

Yes, yes, Ethel.

Uh, Miss Harris,
this is Mrs. Mertz.

How you do? How
you do?

I'm the landlady and Lucy's
best friend Ethel Mertz.

M-e-r-t-z.

Well, Ethel, thanks a lot
for bringing back

(affected):
the half-and-half,

but see you later, huh?

Huh, honey?

Hi, folks.

How's the little old
leaky faucet?

Well, if it isn't the
Beau Brummell of the plumbers.

Well, Lucy, I didn't
know you had company.

Uh, yes, Miss Harris,

this is Mr. Mertz,
M-e-r-t-z.

How do you do?

How do you do?

I suppose you two
have had breakfast.

No, we haven't.
No, we haven't.

Uh, you don't want
to eat with us, do you?

Oh, yes, we'd love to.

Oh, that's marvelous.

I can get a picture of you with
your neighbors.

A picture!

Oh, gosh, if I had known

I was gonna have
my picture taken,

I'd have dressed up a little.

How do you want us to...?

Oh, just something informal.

All right.

(band tuning up)
What?

I can't hear you.

All right, that's...

Wait a minute.

Hold it, fellas, will you?

Just hold it for a minute.

What was that?

Yeah. Well, look,

as long as the costumes
get here

in time for the show,
that's all I'm interested in.

Okay, well, thank you very much.
Good-bye.

Hi, Ricky.
Oh, hi, Jerry.

Hey, where's Eleanor, the
magazine gal?

She's still with Lucy.
She'll be here tonight.

Oh.

(groaning)

(exhales)

What are you so tired about?

What am I so tired about?

You see these
grubby little hands?

Yes...

Well, these little
pinkies of mine

have become ink-stained and
all cramped

just so that you could become a
star of the first magnitude.

What?

Here. Cast your great, big,
shoe-button eyes on that.

"Dearest Minnie, how about
a date Saturday night?

"Will you meet me
at the Tropicana Club?

Ricky Ricardo."

Now, what would you think if
you got a postcard like that?

I would think I'd better go
and see my physio-chiatrist.

No, no, I mean, if
you were a woman.

I think you'd better go and
see your physio-chiatrist.

Come on, what is this?

"To Minnie Finch, 1433
Tudor Street, Bronx."

Looks like my signature, too!

I copied it.
Pretty good, huh?

Too good, boy. Watch it.

Come on, what is it?

Don't you get it, Dad?

It's brilliant.

I sent one of these cards
to every woman

on the Tropicana mailing list--

3,000 of them.

3,000?!
Yeah.

Boy, Saturday night

this joint is gonna be
overflowing with women.

Pretty good, huh?

Well, it'd better be.

No, no, you keep that one as a
souvenir.

I made it out twice by mistake.

Hey, come on. I'll buy you a
cup of coffee.

All right.
Take ten, fellas.

You know, Jerry,
there are times

when I think you're crazy,

and there are other times
when I'm sure of it.

Really?

Well, that was our
first meeting,

and then a couple months
later, we said "I do,"

and we've been happily
married ever since.

Mm-hmm.

All right, now I'd like to
get a few quotes from you.

All right.

Tell me, what's it like being
married to an entertainer?

Oh, it's very exciting.

After all, there's no business like
show business.

You may quote me.

Fine.

I, um, I suppose you and Ricky
had your share of arguments?

Ricky and me? Oh,
heavens, no.

Oh, come on, Lucy.

Surely you have a little
tiff now and then?

Tiff? Now, you may not
believe this, Eleanor,

but Ricky and I have
never tuffed.

Taffed?

Tiffled?

(laughs)

Oh, it's marvelous.

You're not the jealous
type, then, hmm?

Well, what is there to
be jealous about?

Well, after all, Ricky is
a handsome, charming man

surrounded by showgirls
all the time.

Well...

And he is out every
night in a nightclub.

But that's his job.

The last person
that told me that

was the wife of a
famous piano player.

He told her that he was at
rehearsal every afternoon.

And he wasn't?

He was playing all right,
but not the piano.

My goodness, she'd been
married to a man like Ricky,

she wouldn't have
had to worry.

When he says he's at rehearsal, he's
at rehearsal.

May I quote you on that?

Oh, sure, sure.

Well, I guess that's
the kind of trust

that's made your
marriage last.

Isn't it?

Hmm?

I said, that's
the kind of trust

that's made your
marriage last.

Yeah, that's the
kind of trust

that you have to have
in-in that kind of...

in any kind of a marriage.

All right.

Now, how long have
you two been married?

Hmm?

I said, how long have
you two been married?

13 Years.
Would you excuse me?

I want to look at the baby.

Well, yes, certainly.

Hello. Tropicana?

I'd like to speak
to Mr. Ricardo, please.

(sighing)

Hello, Rick...?

Oh. Oh, he isn't there
right now?

Do you have any idea
where he might be?

You don't. Well, uh...

No, no message. Thank you.

Mmm! That was a delicious
dinner, Lucy.

Thank you. Just something I
threw together.

Really?

Those crêpes suzette are
the best I've tasted in years.

Well, thank you.

Yes, they had just
the right amount of cognac.

They were even better
than last night's.

Well, thank you, darling.

I think we'd better
go, Eleanor.

It's getting
kind of late.

Oh, all right.
I'll go put my face on.

Will you excuse me?

Certainly. Certainly.

Are you out of your mind?

Shrimp cocktail, steak?

This dinner must
have cost a fortune.

Never mind that.

I want to talk to you.

Where were you this afternoon?

At rehearsal.

All afternoon?

Yeah.

What's the matter with you?

I called you this afternoon
about 2:00,

and you weren't there.

I wasn't?

No.

Well, I stepped out for a cup
of coffee or something.

Ha!

What are you driving at?

Nothing, and we can't
discuss it now

while she's here,
trying to get a story

about how happily married
we are.

Give me a cigarette.

Okay.

Oh, never mind, I'll
get it myself.

I'll get... I was looking
for my cigarette case.

I misplaced it.

I'm all set.
All right.

Here you are,
sweetheart.

Thank you, darling.

I was looking for
my cigarette case.

I misplaced it, so...

I bet it's in that sport
coat I wore this afternoon.

Oh, well, I'll get it, dear.

RICKY:
Oh, thank you, darling.

I'll get my overcoat.

I'll be right with you.

Okay.

Oh! Is this it?

Yeah.
Thank you very much.

We-we got it, honey. See
you later.

Bye, Lucy. Thanks
for a nice day.

Good-bye.

RICKY:
Bye.

(door shuts)

Hi. I just saw
Miss Harris leave

and I thought I came up
to see how everything went.

How were my
crêpes suzette?

(wailing)

Aw, were they soggy?

No.

Were they heavy?

No.

Well, did they flame?

Yeah, they flamed.

Well, what's the matter?

(sobbing)

I just found out that Ricky is
seeing another wo-wo-wo...

Ricky's what?

Ricky is seeing
another wo-o-... wo-o-o...

What does Ricky want to
see another wo-wo for?

Ricky is seeing another woman!

Oh, Lucy, what are
you talking about?

That!

I don't get it.

Who's Minnie Finch?

I don't know.

All I know is, I called him
at the club at 2:00,

and he wasn't there.

So he wasn't there.

Now, don't you give me that.

You can see it
as plain as I can.

Ricky is a very handsome
and charming man

and he's out late every night

and he's surrounded
by beautiful showgirls

and-and then now that.

And I'll bet she's the most
beautiful showgirl of all.

And I'm going down to see her and
have it out!

Oh, now, Lucy, you're
being ridiculous.

Oh, am I?

If some woman was trying to
take Fred away from you,

you'd sing another tune.

Yeah, "Happy Days
Are Here Again."

How can you make jokes at a
time like this?

Now come on, get your coat.

I'll go see if Mrs. Trumbull can
take care of Ricky.

Well, how can you tell
who lives where?

There are no numbers
on the doors.

Lucy, does this look like the
kind of place

one of Ricky's girlfriends
would live?

Well, that just shows
you how shrewd she is.

She doesn't think
anybody'd look here.

Okay. Let's knock on the door and
ask where she lives.

All right.

Suppose she lives here,
what do I say?

Why, just say, "Good evening,
madam," punch her in the nose

and get it over with.

I know, I'll pretend that
I'm conducting a poll

and I'll... I'll
sort of introduce

Ricky's name subtly, you know,
and see how she reacts, huh?

That's a good idea.

Oh, pardon me,

but could you tell me
where Minnie Finch lives?

Well, that's her place
right there.

You're standing
right in front of it.

Thank you.

Do you want to see Minnie
or don't you?

Yes, I do.

Well, then, knock!

(shouting): Hey,
Minnie, you got company!

You got to give her
a chance to hear you.

You girls looking for me?

Uh, no. I-I don't think so.

Is Minnie Finch at home?

Oh, that's me.

Oh.

Well, what can I do
for you?

Well, um,
we're, uh...

we're, we're
conducting a poll,

and we'd like to ask you some
questions.

Uh... hmm...

Say, your name
ain't Kinsey, is it?

No. No, we're...

We're conducting a poll
to find out who is the most

popular orchestra leader
in the country.

Oh, yes, yes.

Do you, uh, happen to know
Ricky Ricardo?

Do I kn... do I know him?

I'll say I do.

Say, he's mad about me.

Mad about you?

And how.

I got a date with him
Saturday night.

Oh.

Do you see him often?

You want to laugh?

Five years ago, I went to
the Tropicana on my birthday.

Well, they brung a big
cake over to the table,

and Ricky Ricardo
come over and kissed me.

And today, five years later,

I get a card
asking me for a date.

(cackling laugh)

Oh, boy, when I kiss them,
they stay kissed.

(laughs)

I'll show you the card.

I don't get it.

Neither do I.

There, there. See that?

Now, how about that, huh?

Yes, he, uh, he must have
been impressed.

Yeah, but not half as impressed
as Joe was this morning.

Joe?

That's my husband.

He's terrible jealous.

(cackling laugh)

I gave him an awful time
with that card this morning.

He went storming out
of here, fit to kill.

WOMAN:
Minnie! Oh.

Minnie, guess who's got a
date tonight

with Ricky Ricardo.

I have. See?

Oh, did you get one, too?

Minnie... Oh, girls!

Look what I got in the mail.

Oh!
Look, Ricky Ricardo!

MINNIE:
Well, what do you know?

Lucy, you know what?

What?

I'll bet you this
is another one

of Jerry's crazy
publicity stunts.

Do you think
that's what it is?

Of course it is.

You don't think Ricky would
date those three, do you?

Fred, yes. Ricky, no.

Come on,
let's get out of here.

Good-bye, girls.

So long, kids.

Let me see that again.

Well, I'm gonna
keep mine.

Does that feel any better?

Yes, much better.

Thank you, Eleanor.

Ricky, what are you
doing home?

What happened?

What's the matter, dear?

We got out of the cab and
started to go into the club

and some man walked up and said, "Are
you Ricky Ricardo?"

And I said, "Yes."

And he said,
"This is for Minnie."

And he hit me. See?

Minnie?
Whatever did he mean, dear?

I don't know, but it probably
has something to do

with those postcards
that Jerry sent out.

Postcards?

Yeah, he had some crazy idea
about sending out the postcards

to every woman that had been
in the Tropicana

and telling them that I was
making a date with them

for Saturday night.

This guy must have been
Minnie's husband, I guess.

Aw, you poor baby.

Imagine not trusting somebody that
you're married to

more than that.

Imagine!

Yeah.

After all, trust is the basis
of every happy marriage.

You may quote me.

(I Love Lucy theme music
plays)

I Love Lucy
is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week
at this same time.

This is
the CBS television network.