I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 15 - The Charm School - full transcript
Ethel and Lucy are upset that Ricky and Fred don't seem interested in them. After seeing how they react to a friend's beautiful and poised date, they enroll in charm school.
(I Love Lucy theme music
plays)
Ah...
And I'll tell you
something else.
It's impossible for me to
lose weight on a diet.
I know what you mean.
Me, too.
I tried.
I diet for four or five days
and I lose an ounce or two
and then I see a piece of cake
or pie and I'm dead.
That's the story
of my life.
Me, too.
Ricky's been after me
to lose a few pounds,
but I just don't seem to
have the courage to...
Wait a minute.
Look around you.
What's the matter?
It's happened again.
What has?
The great divide.
Same thing happens
every time we have a party.
Look here.
You know, everybody
around the 18th green
was gathered around there.
You know, the whole membership
of the Thunderbird Club
was around the 18th green.
All I had to do was to make
this missly two-foot putt to
win, and I missed it.
Yeah. It's the "missly"
ones that get you.
I'd rather try a ten-footer than
a two-footer
any day in the week.
I don't blame you.
It's all right.
Don't blame you.
LUCY:
See what I mean?
Women in one room,
men in the other.
Well?
What do you mean
"well"?
Why does it
have to be that way?
Why aren't we all in here,
talking together?
Give me one good reason.
We're married.
Does that mean that we
have to go to parties
and separate like the
sheep from the goats?
Well, we like talking about
babies and clothes and recipes
and they like to talk
about sports and politics.
We're interested
in different things.
Sure. Just 'cause
we're married to men
doesn't mean we've got
anything in common.
Don't you think this
situation is disgraceful?
Oh, I don't know.
I've been going to parties ever
since I was married.
It's always like this.
Sure. I thought this is the
way it was supposed to be.
Well, I don't like it.
Are we going to
continue to be sheep?
Well?
Baaah!
Well, I'm not.
I want my husband to
pay attention to me.
So do I.
Okay.
Come on.
Oh, frankly, I think
it's gonna be a good thing for
television.
Ricky.
Bill.
Fred.
Yeah?
Yes?
Come on in here
with us.
Yeah.
Come on.
Okay.
Sure.
I'll be right in.
Sure.
How do you think
color will take?
Color?
Well, there are two schools of
thought on that matter.
Some people think, uh, well, it's
just around the corner.
Others feel it's gonna be a
year or two.
We didn't exactly
stampede the goats, did we?
Maybe we'd better go down to
Abercrombie and Fitch
and see if they sell
goat-mating calls.
You know, this is
pretty insulting.
Yeah.
I think so, too.
I'm going to do
something about this.
Yeah. Come on.
Okay.
No, I-I read an article
by Harry Ackerman.
He was talking
about the color...
LUCY:
All right,
let's go.
ETHEL:
Okay, Fred, break
it up. Come on.
RICKY:
What are you doing?
What's going on here?
BILL:
All right, all right...
What are you doing?
All we're talking about is a
little business.
ETHEL:
Come in here,
sit down...
What's going on
here?
There you are.
Ethel, what's
eating you?
There. This is
more like it.
More like what?
More like the way
it should be.
I don't get it.
Well, I'll explain it to you.
We don't want you in there.
We want you in here.
Why?
Because we're married.
What are you trying to do,
rub it in?
Fred!
I know.
It's the same
old complaint.
Lucy gets upset
every time the men
go into another room
and talk to each other.
Yes.
All right, we won't go into
another room
and talk to each other
anymore, dear.
Well, that's better.
We can talk to
each other in here.
Now, that's not funny.
Husbands and wives should
certainly find something
to talk to each
other about.
Why?
Come on now.
Shall we give it
the old-school try?
Okay.
(chuckles)
(clears throat)
Uh, I saw Tom
Williams today.
Tom Williams?
Mm-hmm.
Good old Tom.
How is he?
Fine.
That's good.
Mm, glad to
hear it.
Yeah, it's
nice to know
that good old Tom
is feeling well.
Yes, sir.
(chuckles)
Uh, I asked him to come here
tonight with his date.
Oh, who is he
going with now?
Oh, some model.
He has a different date
every week.
That's for sure.
You think
he'll marry her?
(chuckling):
No.
The last time I saw Tom was at
Madison Square Garden.
I think it was the night
that Charles fought Layne--
Walcott fought Layne,
wasn't it?
Yeah, I remember that,
only it wasn't with
Charles and Layne,
it was Charles
and Walcott.
Oh, you're right.
That was a
great fight.
That's the second
Charles/Walcott fight...
Was a tremendous amount
of action, that fight.
You remember
what the action was?
It was the worst fight
I've ever seen in my life.
What are you
talking about?
He almost had him beaten
in the third round.
Aw, come on.
Listen,
I'll tell you
one guy that could have beaten
both Charles and Layne,
and that's Louis.
No way. If you want to
go back, I'll tell you
a guy who could have taken
Louis-- that's Dempsey.
If you really want
to go back,
I'll throw in you a guy that
could've taken both Dempsey
and Louis at the same time.
Who's that?
Bob Fitzsimmons.
Oh...
Are you kidding?
Oh, what do you mean, am I
kidding?
Yeah.
That's the trouble
with you young punks.
You've never seen a
real fighter.
Aw, now...
Well, we'll
see this one
he's bringing tonight,
and then we'll find out.
Oh, yeah.
Right. You
know...
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
What's the matter?
How does it feel
to be a sheep again?
Look around you.
Didn't take long for our party to
get back to normal, did it?
Oh, let's face it, Lucy.
We'll never gonna get them
out of the kitchen.
Yeah, I guess
you're right.
Well...
(doorbell buzzes)
Oh, that must be Tom.
Oh, Tom,
Hi, Lucy. I'm
so glad
you could come.
How are you?
Nice to see you.
Hi, Ethel.
Hi, Lou Ann.
Sorry we're late,
but Eve had to do
a fashion show.
Oh, that's quite all
right.
Oh, uh, Eve Whitney.
This is Lucy Ricardo.
How do you do?
Oh, how do you do, dear?
This is Mrs. Mertz.
Hello.
How do you do?
Mrs. Hall.
Hi.
How do you do?
This is Ethel, Lou
Ann and Eve.
May I have your wrap?
Oh, my, that certainly is
beautiful.
Thank you very much.
Um, where are
the fellas?
Oh, they're out in the kitchen
as usual.
You couldn't pry them out of
there with a crowbar.
Come on in, Eve.
I'll introduce you.
RICKY:
That guy in his prime could've
beat any one of those guys.
Hi, fellas.
Oh, hello, Tom.
Hello, Tom.
I'd like you to meet Eve
Whitney.
This is Ricky Ricardo.
How do you do?
How do you do?
And Fred Mertz.
How do you do?
How do you do?
Bill hall.
How do you do?
How do you do?
Well, I won't bother
you gentlemen.
I'll join the girls.
Oh, uh... light?
Light?
FRED:
Light?
BILL:
Light?
Well, I'll say this for her, she
got them out of the kitchen.
Yes. Apparently, all the old
goats needed was a young kid.
Hi.
Good morning.
What's good about it?
You're right. Bad morning.
Honestly, every time I
think about last night,
I get mad all over again.
Me, too.
I haven't been such a wallflower
since I was a foot taller than all
the boys in dancing school.
Did you notice
the way Ricky acted?
He wasn't any worse than
the rest of them.
Oh, yes, he was.
He has a special line.
Did you ever notice, Ethel,
that whenever he's around
a good-looking girl,
he becomes more Cuban?
The prettier the girl,
the thicker the accent.
That's right.
By the end of the evening,
I couldn't understand a
word he was saying.
Sounded like he had
a mouthful of frijoles.
Did you get a load of
Fred Mertz?
I thought I'd die when he
suggested playing post office.
Well, it was certainly
a grim little evening.
Oh, well, there's no use
brooding about it.
When you're married,
that's the way things are.
What do you mean "that's
the way things are"?
That's what we
thought last night.
And then Eve
Whitney walked in
and, suddenly, that's
the way things weren't.
So?
So, maybe it isn't
our husbands' fault.
Maybe it's our fault.
Maybe we've been
married so long,
we've been letting
ourselves go.
What do you mean by that?
What's Eve Whitney got
that we haven't got?
Nothing.
We've got just as much as
she's got, only lots more.
Yeah, but the lots more is
in all the wrong places.
Ethel, what would
you say if I told you
you could be just as
attractive as Eve Whitney?
I'd say you've
snapped your twig.
Listen, Eve Whitney didn't
always look like that.
How do you know? You never saw
her before last night.
Because I heard her
talking to Bill Hall
when he cornered her
and insisted on hearing
the story of her life.
How about that?
Wasn't that nauseating?
Oh...
Well, she told Bill Hall that she
went to a charm school.
It did wonders for her.
A charm school?
Yes, and this is
the one she went to.
The very same one.
"Phoebe Emerson Charm School."
"What is your C.Q.?"
That means charm quotient.
"Come in and let us give
you a free analysis."
You and I are going down
there, Ethel.
We are? Oh,
I don't think...
Well, honey, we can't go wrong with
a free analysis.
That's right.
You think they can make
a glamour girl out of me?
Sure. Says right here, "We
work miracles."
Well, thanks.
Oh, I meant on both of us.
Come on, let's make an
appointment.
No one here.
Gee, isn't this
a beautiful place?
Lucy, I'm nervous.
Well, so am I, dear,
but just try to act poised and
sophisticated.
Okay.
Look at this.
Oh... boy.
Ooh, look,
aren't they beautiful?
Jiminy.
LUCY: Oh,
she's really...
Good afternoon.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Aren't they lovely?
They're some of
our graduates.
Oh, really?
They're very beautiful.
I'm delighted to see you.
I'm Miss Emerson.
Oh. How do you do?
I'm Mrs... uh...
Uh, this is Mrs. Mertz, and
I'm Mrs...
Mrs. Ricardo.
Mrs. Ricardo.
How do you do?
How do you do?
I suppose you're here
for the Emerson checkup?
Well, is that the
free analysis?
Yes, it's free.
LUCY: Yes,
that's the one.
We grade you in four points,
and, uh, 100
Uh-huh. is perfect.
And now if you'll
step this way.
All right.
Lucy...
It's a lovely
piece of furniture.
Yes, isn't it.
Now, the first
point is the hair.
Will you please
take off your hats?
Oh, dear, it must be
awfully windy outside.
Here's a mirror.
Why don't you fix it the
way it's supposed to be?
Is that the way
it's supposed to be?
Yes, ma'am.
Oh.
Now for skin and makeup.
Hmm... your skin's not bad.
Not bad at all.
Thank you.
You're very well-preserved.
And your makeup
is adequate.
Do you always use
that color powder?
Oh, I don't mean it the
way it sounds, of course.
It's just that, here, we strive for
a fresh, natural look,
and that powder gives you a
weird, very unnatural look.
You know what
I mean, of course.
I'm not wearing powder.
Oh...
Well, now for our posture.
(undertone):
Posture.
Just stand the way
you normally stand.
Oh.
Now the next item is the voice.
Would you please speak,
uh, Mrs. Mertz?
Uh...
(clears throat)
(chuckles)
What shall I say?
Oh, anything at all.
Just give me your
name and address.
I am Mrs. Ethel Mertz...
and, uh, I live at
623 East 68th Street.
Uh, Mrs. Ricardo?
I am...
(clears throat)
I am...
Testing one, two,
three, four, testing.
Well, now we'll
total these up
and see what
our scores are.
Out of a possible
100 points,
you got 32,
and you got 30.
You know, I feel sure
our course could make
hundred percenters
out of both of you.
Yes.
Really?
It's unbelievable
what we can accomplish.
Now, when would
you like to start?
Oh, right away.
With scores like ours,
there's not a moment to lose.
You said it.
Well, then,
come with me.
(knock at door)
All right, ladies,
are you ready?
ETHEL:
Yes, ma'am.
Ah.
Now, the first thing
we're going to take up is
the matter of relaxing.
Tension is our
greatest enemy today.
A charming woman is a
relaxed woman.
Now, a little beauty secret
is to take a few minutes
every day and just relax.
Relax completely.
Let yourself go
absolutely limp.
Now, try it.
A little more. Much more.
More, more, more, more...
No, Mrs. Ricardo, not
that limp.
No.
Like this.
This is just a
little trick
for those days
when you have to be on
your feet all day.
Now you try.
That's right.
Now we'll work on
our walk.
Let me see you walk.
Up.
Up, up, up, Mrs. Ricardo.
In an upright position.
Oh.
You go over there,
Mrs. Mertz.
Okay.
And now, I'll show
you how to walk.
You know, one
doesn't lump along
like a sack of meal.
Watch me.
One glides.
Let the hips carry the body.
The hips go first,
and the body follows after.
Now you try,
Mrs. Ricardo.
The hips go first, huh?
That's correct.
After you, hips.
(knock at door)
Come in.
Hi, Rick.
Oh, hi, Fred.
What's new, old man?
I don't know, oh,
but something is.
Ethel told me to stay
out of the bedroom
and wait for
her over here.
Uh-oh. They must be cooking
something together.
Yeah.
Lucy won't let us in
our bedroom either.
She says to wait out here for
a pleasant surprise.
Uh-oh.
Now, what do you think this
pleasant surprise could be?
Maybe they're leaving us.
No, no.
Well, Ethel's been
acting strange all week.
So has Lucy.
How can you tell?
That's a very good question.
LUCY:
Yoo-hoo! Ricky!
Yes!
Close your eyes.
All right.
You may open your eyes now.
May I have a light, please?
Thanks awfully, darling.
Who is that?
It looks like Lucy.
Lucy?
Yes, darling?
It is Lucy.
Well, what
do you know?
(doorbell buzzes)
Oh, that must be my
dear friend Ethel.
Please, Fred.
I'll open the door.
Open it?
I was going to lock it.
Oh, my dear fellow, you
have such a refreshing wit.
I hope I
didn't hold up the party.
Not at all, darling. Do come in.
Who's that?
Who's that?
What's that?
Oh, Ethel, darling, you
do look stunning.
You look divine, darling.
Oh, Ethel, what is all this?
Lucy, 'splain.
"'Splain," darling?
Well, you ignored us,
so we knew you weren't happy with
us the way we were.
So, we took an extensive course at
Miss Emerson's Charm School.
Oh, so that's it, huh?
Yes, that's it, darling.
Would you care to take
two charming strangers out
to dinner?
Out to dinner?
Uh, yes.
That's a great idea, Fred.
We can't waste all
this charm here at home.
Oh, thank you, darling.
That's very, very
sweet of you.
Uh, tell me dear,
would you care
to go to see Mrs. Trumbull and
show her our gowns?
Well, just a minute.
We-we-we can't,
we can't take out
two such gorgeous ladies
dressed like this.
Oh. Oh, oh, of
course, darling.
Uh, well, that's very
sweet of you.
You go and change.
Come, dear,
we'll show Mrs. Trumbull.
Yes. Let's let her
get a load of us.
Did you ever see
anything like that?
I was waiting for Ethel
to say "trick or treat."
Then you open
your big mouth
and say something about
taking them to dinner.
Wait a minute, Fred.
Don't get upset.
I've got a plan.
She really did seem to
be impressed, didn't she?
Oh, they're not here.
Oh.
Well, we might as well
sit down and wait.
Okay.
I can't sit down.
Neither can I.
Well, we'll stand and wait.
Yeah.
Ricky, darling, do hurry, dear.
We're very hungry.
Just a minute!
Isn't that cute?
He wants to look so good.
Fred never took
so long to dress.
He must be taking a bath.
Close your eyes!
Open your eyes.
(gasps)
Ricky Ricardo,
what are you doing?
I'm taking you out to dinner.
Dressed like that?
Well, what's wrong with this?
This is the latest thing
at the Little Gentlemen's
Finishing School.
Oh, Ricky...
(doorbell buzzes)
That must be my
good friend Frederick.
Enter.
Thank you, old chap.
Oh, good evening, ladies.
I trust I haven't kept
you waiting, no?
Fred Mertz.
All right, fellas,
this isn't funny.
We thought you'd like us
looking like this.
We've been working like dogs
going to charm school
and exercising
and wearing mud packs...
And plucking our eyebrows
and wearing chin straps.
All right, all right, we know what
you had to go through,
but this is not for you.
This is not your style.
This is phony.
I thought you'd
pay attention to me
if I was well-groomed and
charming and attractive.
I don't want you well-groomed,
charming and attractive.
I want you the way you were.
What?
Oh, honey, I didn't mean it the
way it sounded.
I mean, I like you the
way you were.
Yeah, Ethel, I even like
you the way you were.
Really?
Yes.
Now come on, girls.
Let's go back the
way we were, huh?
You promise to stick
close to us at parties?
Like glue.
Well... okay.
Back the way
we were?
All right.
Okay.
Back the way
we were.
Four natural,
lovable slobs.
(laughing)
(I Love Lucy theme music
plays)
I Love Lucy
is a Desilu production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week
at this same time.
This is
the CBS television network.
plays)
Ah...
And I'll tell you
something else.
It's impossible for me to
lose weight on a diet.
I know what you mean.
Me, too.
I tried.
I diet for four or five days
and I lose an ounce or two
and then I see a piece of cake
or pie and I'm dead.
That's the story
of my life.
Me, too.
Ricky's been after me
to lose a few pounds,
but I just don't seem to
have the courage to...
Wait a minute.
Look around you.
What's the matter?
It's happened again.
What has?
The great divide.
Same thing happens
every time we have a party.
Look here.
You know, everybody
around the 18th green
was gathered around there.
You know, the whole membership
of the Thunderbird Club
was around the 18th green.
All I had to do was to make
this missly two-foot putt to
win, and I missed it.
Yeah. It's the "missly"
ones that get you.
I'd rather try a ten-footer than
a two-footer
any day in the week.
I don't blame you.
It's all right.
Don't blame you.
LUCY:
See what I mean?
Women in one room,
men in the other.
Well?
What do you mean
"well"?
Why does it
have to be that way?
Why aren't we all in here,
talking together?
Give me one good reason.
We're married.
Does that mean that we
have to go to parties
and separate like the
sheep from the goats?
Well, we like talking about
babies and clothes and recipes
and they like to talk
about sports and politics.
We're interested
in different things.
Sure. Just 'cause
we're married to men
doesn't mean we've got
anything in common.
Don't you think this
situation is disgraceful?
Oh, I don't know.
I've been going to parties ever
since I was married.
It's always like this.
Sure. I thought this is the
way it was supposed to be.
Well, I don't like it.
Are we going to
continue to be sheep?
Well?
Baaah!
Well, I'm not.
I want my husband to
pay attention to me.
So do I.
Okay.
Come on.
Oh, frankly, I think
it's gonna be a good thing for
television.
Ricky.
Bill.
Fred.
Yeah?
Yes?
Come on in here
with us.
Yeah.
Come on.
Okay.
Sure.
I'll be right in.
Sure.
How do you think
color will take?
Color?
Well, there are two schools of
thought on that matter.
Some people think, uh, well, it's
just around the corner.
Others feel it's gonna be a
year or two.
We didn't exactly
stampede the goats, did we?
Maybe we'd better go down to
Abercrombie and Fitch
and see if they sell
goat-mating calls.
You know, this is
pretty insulting.
Yeah.
I think so, too.
I'm going to do
something about this.
Yeah. Come on.
Okay.
No, I-I read an article
by Harry Ackerman.
He was talking
about the color...
LUCY:
All right,
let's go.
ETHEL:
Okay, Fred, break
it up. Come on.
RICKY:
What are you doing?
What's going on here?
BILL:
All right, all right...
What are you doing?
All we're talking about is a
little business.
ETHEL:
Come in here,
sit down...
What's going on
here?
There you are.
Ethel, what's
eating you?
There. This is
more like it.
More like what?
More like the way
it should be.
I don't get it.
Well, I'll explain it to you.
We don't want you in there.
We want you in here.
Why?
Because we're married.
What are you trying to do,
rub it in?
Fred!
I know.
It's the same
old complaint.
Lucy gets upset
every time the men
go into another room
and talk to each other.
Yes.
All right, we won't go into
another room
and talk to each other
anymore, dear.
Well, that's better.
We can talk to
each other in here.
Now, that's not funny.
Husbands and wives should
certainly find something
to talk to each
other about.
Why?
Come on now.
Shall we give it
the old-school try?
Okay.
(chuckles)
(clears throat)
Uh, I saw Tom
Williams today.
Tom Williams?
Mm-hmm.
Good old Tom.
How is he?
Fine.
That's good.
Mm, glad to
hear it.
Yeah, it's
nice to know
that good old Tom
is feeling well.
Yes, sir.
(chuckles)
Uh, I asked him to come here
tonight with his date.
Oh, who is he
going with now?
Oh, some model.
He has a different date
every week.
That's for sure.
You think
he'll marry her?
(chuckling):
No.
The last time I saw Tom was at
Madison Square Garden.
I think it was the night
that Charles fought Layne--
Walcott fought Layne,
wasn't it?
Yeah, I remember that,
only it wasn't with
Charles and Layne,
it was Charles
and Walcott.
Oh, you're right.
That was a
great fight.
That's the second
Charles/Walcott fight...
Was a tremendous amount
of action, that fight.
You remember
what the action was?
It was the worst fight
I've ever seen in my life.
What are you
talking about?
He almost had him beaten
in the third round.
Aw, come on.
Listen,
I'll tell you
one guy that could have beaten
both Charles and Layne,
and that's Louis.
No way. If you want to
go back, I'll tell you
a guy who could have taken
Louis-- that's Dempsey.
If you really want
to go back,
I'll throw in you a guy that
could've taken both Dempsey
and Louis at the same time.
Who's that?
Bob Fitzsimmons.
Oh...
Are you kidding?
Oh, what do you mean, am I
kidding?
Yeah.
That's the trouble
with you young punks.
You've never seen a
real fighter.
Aw, now...
Well, we'll
see this one
he's bringing tonight,
and then we'll find out.
Oh, yeah.
Right. You
know...
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
What's the matter?
How does it feel
to be a sheep again?
Look around you.
Didn't take long for our party to
get back to normal, did it?
Oh, let's face it, Lucy.
We'll never gonna get them
out of the kitchen.
Yeah, I guess
you're right.
Well...
(doorbell buzzes)
Oh, that must be Tom.
Oh, Tom,
Hi, Lucy. I'm
so glad
you could come.
How are you?
Nice to see you.
Hi, Ethel.
Hi, Lou Ann.
Sorry we're late,
but Eve had to do
a fashion show.
Oh, that's quite all
right.
Oh, uh, Eve Whitney.
This is Lucy Ricardo.
How do you do?
Oh, how do you do, dear?
This is Mrs. Mertz.
Hello.
How do you do?
Mrs. Hall.
Hi.
How do you do?
This is Ethel, Lou
Ann and Eve.
May I have your wrap?
Oh, my, that certainly is
beautiful.
Thank you very much.
Um, where are
the fellas?
Oh, they're out in the kitchen
as usual.
You couldn't pry them out of
there with a crowbar.
Come on in, Eve.
I'll introduce you.
RICKY:
That guy in his prime could've
beat any one of those guys.
Hi, fellas.
Oh, hello, Tom.
Hello, Tom.
I'd like you to meet Eve
Whitney.
This is Ricky Ricardo.
How do you do?
How do you do?
And Fred Mertz.
How do you do?
How do you do?
Bill hall.
How do you do?
How do you do?
Well, I won't bother
you gentlemen.
I'll join the girls.
Oh, uh... light?
Light?
FRED:
Light?
BILL:
Light?
Well, I'll say this for her, she
got them out of the kitchen.
Yes. Apparently, all the old
goats needed was a young kid.
Hi.
Good morning.
What's good about it?
You're right. Bad morning.
Honestly, every time I
think about last night,
I get mad all over again.
Me, too.
I haven't been such a wallflower
since I was a foot taller than all
the boys in dancing school.
Did you notice
the way Ricky acted?
He wasn't any worse than
the rest of them.
Oh, yes, he was.
He has a special line.
Did you ever notice, Ethel,
that whenever he's around
a good-looking girl,
he becomes more Cuban?
The prettier the girl,
the thicker the accent.
That's right.
By the end of the evening,
I couldn't understand a
word he was saying.
Sounded like he had
a mouthful of frijoles.
Did you get a load of
Fred Mertz?
I thought I'd die when he
suggested playing post office.
Well, it was certainly
a grim little evening.
Oh, well, there's no use
brooding about it.
When you're married,
that's the way things are.
What do you mean "that's
the way things are"?
That's what we
thought last night.
And then Eve
Whitney walked in
and, suddenly, that's
the way things weren't.
So?
So, maybe it isn't
our husbands' fault.
Maybe it's our fault.
Maybe we've been
married so long,
we've been letting
ourselves go.
What do you mean by that?
What's Eve Whitney got
that we haven't got?
Nothing.
We've got just as much as
she's got, only lots more.
Yeah, but the lots more is
in all the wrong places.
Ethel, what would
you say if I told you
you could be just as
attractive as Eve Whitney?
I'd say you've
snapped your twig.
Listen, Eve Whitney didn't
always look like that.
How do you know? You never saw
her before last night.
Because I heard her
talking to Bill Hall
when he cornered her
and insisted on hearing
the story of her life.
How about that?
Wasn't that nauseating?
Oh...
Well, she told Bill Hall that she
went to a charm school.
It did wonders for her.
A charm school?
Yes, and this is
the one she went to.
The very same one.
"Phoebe Emerson Charm School."
"What is your C.Q.?"
That means charm quotient.
"Come in and let us give
you a free analysis."
You and I are going down
there, Ethel.
We are? Oh,
I don't think...
Well, honey, we can't go wrong with
a free analysis.
That's right.
You think they can make
a glamour girl out of me?
Sure. Says right here, "We
work miracles."
Well, thanks.
Oh, I meant on both of us.
Come on, let's make an
appointment.
No one here.
Gee, isn't this
a beautiful place?
Lucy, I'm nervous.
Well, so am I, dear,
but just try to act poised and
sophisticated.
Okay.
Look at this.
Oh... boy.
Ooh, look,
aren't they beautiful?
Jiminy.
LUCY: Oh,
she's really...
Good afternoon.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Aren't they lovely?
They're some of
our graduates.
Oh, really?
They're very beautiful.
I'm delighted to see you.
I'm Miss Emerson.
Oh. How do you do?
I'm Mrs... uh...
Uh, this is Mrs. Mertz, and
I'm Mrs...
Mrs. Ricardo.
Mrs. Ricardo.
How do you do?
How do you do?
I suppose you're here
for the Emerson checkup?
Well, is that the
free analysis?
Yes, it's free.
LUCY: Yes,
that's the one.
We grade you in four points,
and, uh, 100
Uh-huh. is perfect.
And now if you'll
step this way.
All right.
Lucy...
It's a lovely
piece of furniture.
Yes, isn't it.
Now, the first
point is the hair.
Will you please
take off your hats?
Oh, dear, it must be
awfully windy outside.
Here's a mirror.
Why don't you fix it the
way it's supposed to be?
Is that the way
it's supposed to be?
Yes, ma'am.
Oh.
Now for skin and makeup.
Hmm... your skin's not bad.
Not bad at all.
Thank you.
You're very well-preserved.
And your makeup
is adequate.
Do you always use
that color powder?
Oh, I don't mean it the
way it sounds, of course.
It's just that, here, we strive for
a fresh, natural look,
and that powder gives you a
weird, very unnatural look.
You know what
I mean, of course.
I'm not wearing powder.
Oh...
Well, now for our posture.
(undertone):
Posture.
Just stand the way
you normally stand.
Oh.
Now the next item is the voice.
Would you please speak,
uh, Mrs. Mertz?
Uh...
(clears throat)
(chuckles)
What shall I say?
Oh, anything at all.
Just give me your
name and address.
I am Mrs. Ethel Mertz...
and, uh, I live at
623 East 68th Street.
Uh, Mrs. Ricardo?
I am...
(clears throat)
I am...
Testing one, two,
three, four, testing.
Well, now we'll
total these up
and see what
our scores are.
Out of a possible
100 points,
you got 32,
and you got 30.
You know, I feel sure
our course could make
hundred percenters
out of both of you.
Yes.
Really?
It's unbelievable
what we can accomplish.
Now, when would
you like to start?
Oh, right away.
With scores like ours,
there's not a moment to lose.
You said it.
Well, then,
come with me.
(knock at door)
All right, ladies,
are you ready?
ETHEL:
Yes, ma'am.
Ah.
Now, the first thing
we're going to take up is
the matter of relaxing.
Tension is our
greatest enemy today.
A charming woman is a
relaxed woman.
Now, a little beauty secret
is to take a few minutes
every day and just relax.
Relax completely.
Let yourself go
absolutely limp.
Now, try it.
A little more. Much more.
More, more, more, more...
No, Mrs. Ricardo, not
that limp.
No.
Like this.
This is just a
little trick
for those days
when you have to be on
your feet all day.
Now you try.
That's right.
Now we'll work on
our walk.
Let me see you walk.
Up.
Up, up, up, Mrs. Ricardo.
In an upright position.
Oh.
You go over there,
Mrs. Mertz.
Okay.
And now, I'll show
you how to walk.
You know, one
doesn't lump along
like a sack of meal.
Watch me.
One glides.
Let the hips carry the body.
The hips go first,
and the body follows after.
Now you try,
Mrs. Ricardo.
The hips go first, huh?
That's correct.
After you, hips.
(knock at door)
Come in.
Hi, Rick.
Oh, hi, Fred.
What's new, old man?
I don't know, oh,
but something is.
Ethel told me to stay
out of the bedroom
and wait for
her over here.
Uh-oh. They must be cooking
something together.
Yeah.
Lucy won't let us in
our bedroom either.
She says to wait out here for
a pleasant surprise.
Uh-oh.
Now, what do you think this
pleasant surprise could be?
Maybe they're leaving us.
No, no.
Well, Ethel's been
acting strange all week.
So has Lucy.
How can you tell?
That's a very good question.
LUCY:
Yoo-hoo! Ricky!
Yes!
Close your eyes.
All right.
You may open your eyes now.
May I have a light, please?
Thanks awfully, darling.
Who is that?
It looks like Lucy.
Lucy?
Yes, darling?
It is Lucy.
Well, what
do you know?
(doorbell buzzes)
Oh, that must be my
dear friend Ethel.
Please, Fred.
I'll open the door.
Open it?
I was going to lock it.
Oh, my dear fellow, you
have such a refreshing wit.
I hope I
didn't hold up the party.
Not at all, darling. Do come in.
Who's that?
Who's that?
What's that?
Oh, Ethel, darling, you
do look stunning.
You look divine, darling.
Oh, Ethel, what is all this?
Lucy, 'splain.
"'Splain," darling?
Well, you ignored us,
so we knew you weren't happy with
us the way we were.
So, we took an extensive course at
Miss Emerson's Charm School.
Oh, so that's it, huh?
Yes, that's it, darling.
Would you care to take
two charming strangers out
to dinner?
Out to dinner?
Uh, yes.
That's a great idea, Fred.
We can't waste all
this charm here at home.
Oh, thank you, darling.
That's very, very
sweet of you.
Uh, tell me dear,
would you care
to go to see Mrs. Trumbull and
show her our gowns?
Well, just a minute.
We-we-we can't,
we can't take out
two such gorgeous ladies
dressed like this.
Oh. Oh, oh, of
course, darling.
Uh, well, that's very
sweet of you.
You go and change.
Come, dear,
we'll show Mrs. Trumbull.
Yes. Let's let her
get a load of us.
Did you ever see
anything like that?
I was waiting for Ethel
to say "trick or treat."
Then you open
your big mouth
and say something about
taking them to dinner.
Wait a minute, Fred.
Don't get upset.
I've got a plan.
She really did seem to
be impressed, didn't she?
Oh, they're not here.
Oh.
Well, we might as well
sit down and wait.
Okay.
I can't sit down.
Neither can I.
Well, we'll stand and wait.
Yeah.
Ricky, darling, do hurry, dear.
We're very hungry.
Just a minute!
Isn't that cute?
He wants to look so good.
Fred never took
so long to dress.
He must be taking a bath.
Close your eyes!
Open your eyes.
(gasps)
Ricky Ricardo,
what are you doing?
I'm taking you out to dinner.
Dressed like that?
Well, what's wrong with this?
This is the latest thing
at the Little Gentlemen's
Finishing School.
Oh, Ricky...
(doorbell buzzes)
That must be my
good friend Frederick.
Enter.
Thank you, old chap.
Oh, good evening, ladies.
I trust I haven't kept
you waiting, no?
Fred Mertz.
All right, fellas,
this isn't funny.
We thought you'd like us
looking like this.
We've been working like dogs
going to charm school
and exercising
and wearing mud packs...
And plucking our eyebrows
and wearing chin straps.
All right, all right, we know what
you had to go through,
but this is not for you.
This is not your style.
This is phony.
I thought you'd
pay attention to me
if I was well-groomed and
charming and attractive.
I don't want you well-groomed,
charming and attractive.
I want you the way you were.
What?
Oh, honey, I didn't mean it the
way it sounded.
I mean, I like you the
way you were.
Yeah, Ethel, I even like
you the way you were.
Really?
Yes.
Now come on, girls.
Let's go back the
way we were, huh?
You promise to stick
close to us at parties?
Like glue.
Well... okay.
Back the way
we were?
All right.
Okay.
Back the way
we were.
Four natural,
lovable slobs.
(laughing)
(I Love Lucy theme music
plays)
I Love Lucy
is a Desilu production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week
at this same time.
This is
the CBS television network.