I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Million Dollar Idea - full transcript

Lucy and Ethel go into business making salad dressing based on Lucy's Aunt Martha's recipe. Their advertising on a local TV show looks like a success, but when Ricky finds that they're losing money on each jar, the girls have to find a way to get their customers to cancel their orders.

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

More meat loaf, anybody?

No, thanks.

No, thank you, honey.

Ethel?

Oh, I might as well

finish up that last little dab.

Potatoes?

No, thanks.

Uh-uh.

Ethel?



Just another taste.

I hate to see food go to waste.

Salad?

No, thanks.

I couldn't eat another bite, honey.

Mm-mmm-mmm.

Sometimes, I feel

like I was married to a garbage
disposal.

Oh, leave her alone, Fred.

So she's got a good appetite.

Sure, she's just a growing girl.

Yeah, but she's growing sideways.

Quiet, fat boy.

Lucy, this is the best salad dressing



I ever tasted.

Well, thank you very much.

Well, now, for once, you're right.

Why don't you buy a bottle of that
stuff, Ethel?

Oh, you can't buy it.

I made it myself, Fred.

You know, you ought to bottle that,
Lucy,

and sell it.

Oh, Fred!

Well, I mean it.

I bet you could make a lot of money.

(chuckles)

Money, money...

Where did I hear that word today?

Oh, yes, the teller at the bank
called me

and said that someone's account was
overdrawn.

Uh...
dessert, anyone?

Uh...

Guess who the teller said was
overdrawn, Lucy.

Uh, aren't these delicious-looking
pastries?

They're real gooey.

I'll, uh, I'll give you a hint:

He says it's someone who shares my
joint account,

but it's not me.

Go on, Lucy, guess.

Please, not while I'm eating.

All right.

Not while you're eating.

Cake, Ethel?

I don't know where I'd put it.

Just drop it into the bottomless pit.

(chuckling uncontrollably)

Are you finished eating?

No, no, I'm not finished yet.

I'll wait.

These are very good.

Made fresh today.

Finished?

Nope.

I never can seem to get enough of
these.

Are you finished now?

Yeah.

Now, would you mind telling me

why you were overdrawn at the bank?

Every month, I put money in the bank

and every month,

you spend it all and more besides.

I don't understand it.

I mean, I'd like to know the reason.

Now, why are you overdrawn at the
bank?

Lucy?

Eww...

Well, how'd things go after we left
last night?

Pretty rough, huh?

It was the biggest battle of the
budget yet.

We thrashed out every item in my
books.

It was just terrible, Ethel.

I've used up my allowance until June
12.

Oh, that's not bad.

June 12, 1978?

Oh... well, money isn't everything.

Yeah, with me, it isn't anything.

Gee, I wish I could invent something

that would be worth a million
dollars.

You sound just like Fred Mertz.

Fred?

Yeah. Ever since we've been married,

he's been trying to think up

one idea worth a million dollars.

None of his ideas any good, huh?

Oh, he had some good ideas,

but somebody always got to the patent
office first.

He's still mad at Edison

for beating him to the electric
light.

And he's never forgiven Ford for
scooping him

with the horseless carriage.

Well, at least, he was trying.

I haven't even got an idea.

Ethel, I've got it!

Got what?

I know how to make a million dollars.

How?

Remember last night when Fred was
raving

about my salad dressing?
Yeah.

Well, he's right.
I'm gonna bottle it

and put it on the market.

Bottle it and sell it.

Yeah! It's the best salad dressing I
ever tasted.

We can make it right here in the
kitchen.

Will you help me?
Sure.

It's a real simple recipe.

I have it right here.

Let's see. Here it is.

There now. Let me see.

Let's see now.
What'll we call it?

My Aunt Martha gave it to me.

I suppose we really ought to call it

"Aunt Martha's Salad Dressing."

Sure.

It needs more than that, though.

How about...

"Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
dressing"?

Yeah, and we'll make it with
old-fashioneds.

No.

We'll sell more of it.

Oh, come on, now, be serious.

How are people gonna know that we're
selling it?

Now, we've got to advertise.

Yeah.

Gee, isn't it too bad we haven't got
money enough

to go on television?

Yeah.

Television!

We'll go on television.

Huh?

I'll be a cooking expert.

No, no, you'll be the cooking expert,

and-and I'll be one of those women

that they get up from the audience.

I know just how they act.

I've watched them a hundred times.

So have I.

I watch them every day.

That's great.

I know just what to do.

What'll we use for money?

What do we need with money?

After all, who is my dearest friend

in the whole wide world?

Caroline Appleby.

Caroline Appleby?

Sine when did she get to be your
dearest friend?

Since I just remembered

that her husband runs a television
station.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Do you think she'll go for the idea?

I think so, especially if we cut her
in

to the tune of, say, three cents a
bottle.

Yeah, she likes that kind of music.

Yeah.

All she's got to do

is get us on that Dickie Davis Show.

He's on four hours every day

and he sells all sorts of things.

The Dickie Davis Show, yeah.

Gee, I hope she'll do it.

Just show her money and she'll do
anything.

She is the greediest, the
penny-pinchingest...

Caroline, darling, how are you, dear?

Why, this is your old chum, Lucy.

Thank you, thank you.

That last number was brought to you

by the Nelson Photo Finishing Company

located on the corner of Leed
Boulevard and Hickox Avenue.

Remember, the slogan

of the Nelson Photo Finishing Company
is

"our business is developing."

Oh, that's pretty clever: "Our
business is developing."

(chuckles)

Well, that brings us to a brand-new
sponsor.

It is now my pleasure to present to
you

Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
Dressing

and here to tell you all about it

is one of the country's leading home
economists

Mary Margaret McMertz.

Good afternoon, homemakers.

I am Mary Margaret McMertz,

and today I have a wonderful surprise
for you.

For years, only a few close friends
and relatives knew

the thrill of eating salad

made with Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned
Salad Dressing,

but Aunt Martha--

sweet, loveable, kind, old lady that
she is--

has finally consented to let the
world in on her secret,

and today you can buy a quart

of real, honest-to-goodness, genuine

Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
Dressing

for only 40 cents a quart.

Simply write to:

Or call:

Oh, pardon me.

I did.

And place your order.

Now, in order to get an unbiased
opinion on this product--

for after all, they're paying me to
do this--

just before we went on the air,

I picked an average housewife at
random from our audience

and asked her to help me.

Would you come up here,

average housewife whom I picked at
random from our audience?

Yes, you dear.

Right up those stairs.

You, dear.

Hello, dear.

Hello.

I'm Mary Margaret McMertz.

Oh, how do you do?

And, uh, what is your name?

Hmm?

What is your name?

Uh... Isabella Clump.

Oh.

Mrs. Clump.

Yeah.

Have you ever heard

of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
Dressing?

Aunt-who's old-what salad-which?

You see, friends, she's never heard
of it.

No, I never heard of it.

Now, I want you to try this salad
dressing

and tell these people what you
think...

Mrs. Clump.
What?

I want you to try

this salad dressing

and tell these people

what you think of it.

Oh, all right.

Pour it on the salad.

Oh.

That's it.

Now, toss the salad.

Just mix it.
Okay.

(laughing goofily)

That's enough, dear.

Now let me have these.

Yeah.

Now, taste it.

Oh. All right.

Mmm...

(chuckles)

Well?

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm...

Mmm... mmm...

Well?

Mmm...

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

Well, Mrs. Clump?

Don't bother me.

This is the best salad dressing I've
ever eaten.

There you are.

The opinion of an average housewife

picked at random from our audience.

Mmm...

You will feel the same way

once you try

Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
Dressing

at only 40 cents a quart.

Simply call: Circle 7-2099

or write to:

623 East 68th street

and place your order.

Until tomorrow, good-bye, then.

You can relax, girls.

You're off the air.

Oh.

Oh, how'd we'd do?

Oh, wonderful.
You've already got

23 orders by phone.

Oh, 23 orders! 23!

Oh, no kidding!

...a hundred and forty-four,

a hundred and forty-four...

a hundred and forty-five...

a hundred and forty-five...

a hundred and forty-six...

a hundred and forty-six.

There-- the salt's all in.

That takes care of the oil.

Gee, if I get any

more of this stuff on me, I'll be
ready to swim the channel.

What do we do next?

Peel the onions.

Peel the onions.

Say, Lucy...

What?

Where'd you get the money to buy all
this stuff?

Charged it.

Charged it?
What's Ricky gonna say?

Nothing-- we'll have the money back

before the bills come in.

Oh, of course.

Gee, isn't it wonderful?

We only started in business yesterday

and already we got orders for 23
quarts.

Yeah, and no telling

how many more the mail will bring.

Gee, this is a real get-rich-quick
scheme.

I'll say.
Ooh.

Just think, in no time at all, we're
gonna be millionaires.

Oh, that'll be lovely.

Yeah.

What are you going to do with your
first million?

I'm going to go right out and buy
myself a mink coat.

So am I.

Then I'm going to buy myself

a house in the country with a
swimming pool

and tennis court and horses.

Oh, boy.

Oh, that'll be nice.

(sniffling)

(sniffling)

You know what I'm going to do?

What?

I'm going downtown and buy that bank
and fire that teller.

That'll be great.

Yeah.

We're going to be so happy.

Yeah.

RICKY: Hi.

Hi, Ricky.
Hi, darling.

Lucy, Ethel, what's the matter?

What do you mean, what's the matter?

What are you crying for?

Crying?

Oh, it's the onions.

Oh... Oh.

Say, what's all this?

Welcome to the main plant

of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
Dressing, Incorporated.

What?!

Ethel and I are in business.

We are bottling that good salad
dressing I make.

Ay, que barbaridad.

Mira que no saben lo que estan
haciendo.

That's not true, whatever you said.

We're going to make a million
dollars.

Well, this is the most ridiculous
thing

I've ever heard in my whole life.

Why?

There's lots

of wonderful salad dressing in the
market

made by people that know what they're
doing.

Well, we know what we're doing.

I should say!

We've already got orders for 23 jars.

At 40 cents a quart.

40 cents a quart?

Yes, sir.

That sounds awful cheap.

How much does it cost to make?

Oh... uh... um...

Oh, um...

Well, we didn't figure that.

Oh, I see.

Well, what did you figure?

Well, we figured you'd just buy the
oil

and the onions and stuff, and-and
sell it

and what's left over is profit.

Uh-huh, and what if there's nothing
left over?

Well, there's got to be something
left over.

How else can we make a million
dollars?

Wait a minute.
Now wait a minute.

Now let's figure this thing out.

How-how much did you pay for all this
stuff?

All of it?

Yeah, all the stuff.
Come on.

Well, $7.21 for the groceries.

$7.21.

Yeah.

For the groceries.

ETHEL: And $1.20 for the jars.

$1.20 For the jars.

LUCY: Ten cents for the labels.

(sniffles)

Ten cents for the labels.

(sniffles)

That's, um...

(sniffles)

(muttering)

$8.31...

(sniffles)

and um...
how many jars are you making?

Twenty-three.

(tearfully): 23 jars.

(sniffles)

and, uh...
and you're selling it for what?

40 cents a quart.

40 cents a quart.

(sniffles)

(tearfully): 23 jars, 40 cents a
quart.

Oh, now, get these onions out of
here!

For goodness' sake.

Now, let me see now.

That's, uh... uh-huh.

How much profit are we going to make?

Three cents a jar.

Three cents a jar?

That three cents goes to Caroline.

Yeah. Well, uh...

maybe there is no profit on each
individual jar,

but we'll make it up in volume.

This I'd like to see.

And let me tell you something else.

LUCY: What?

I didn't figure shipping, mailing,

insurance, taxes or overhead.

Oh, well, if you're gonna figure all
that stuff.

Lucy.

What?

Come here.

No.

Look, I'm not gonna get mad.

You're not?

No.

Well, all right.

Now, at least you tried.

Yes.

Now, the thing for you to do

is fill this 23 orders and get out of
business.

Well...

That way, I'll only lose

seven or eight dollars.
Yeah.

FRED: Lucy! Ethel!

Yeah?
We're in here, Fred.

FRED: I got your mail.

Okay.

(whispering)

What's that?

That's your morning mail.

The morning mail?

You're kidding!

"Send me one quart of

Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
Dressing."

"Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned..."

"Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned..."

"Send me two quarts of..."

LUCY: "Send me four quarts

of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
Dressing."

"Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's

Old-Fash..."

They're all the same.
They're all orders.

Well, how.. wh-where did this mail
come from?

How do these people know about this?

Um...

uh, well, yesterday we did a spot

on Charlie Appleby's television show.

Well, there's two more sacks of mail
downstairs.

Oh, no.

Well, what's the matter?

I thought you'd be glad.

Uh, we just applied a little
arithmetic

and we found out

that they're losing money on every
jar.

I thought it sounded too good.

Hey, Lucy, look at all this mail.

We must be terrific television
salesmen.

Yeah. Oh, listen!

Maybe we'd better go back on that
program

and unsell that salad dressing,
and...

and then maybe all these people

will take back their orders.
Yeah.

What are you talking about?

Well, if we did such a good job of
selling yesterday,

maybe we can go back on again and
unsell it today.

Here I am again, Mary Margaret
McMertz.

And today I'm going to demonstrate
the same product

that I showed you yesterday.

And to get an unbiased opinion,

I asked an average housewife,

picked at random from our audience

just before we went on the air, to
come up here and help me.

Uh, would you come up here,

average housewife whom I picked at
random, please?

How do you do?

Hello.

I am Mary Margaret McMertz.

How do you do?

And what is your name?

What is your name?

Huh?

Your name, please?

Oh, Lucille Mcgillicuddy.

Oh, now, Mrs. Mcgillicuddy,

you know why you're up here, don't
you?

Huh?

You know why you're up here, don't
you?

I'm... No, I don't.

Well, I want you to try

some of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned
Salad Dressing

and tell these people what you think
of it.

Oh, all righty.

It's a mighty pretty color, isn't it?

(bellows in disgust)

Wow, wow!

What's that?!

Why, that's Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing.

Are you sure? Smell it.

How about that?

Looks like Aunt Martha had too many
Old-Fashioneds.

What do you want me to do with it?

Why, I want you to taste it.

Taste it?

Now, maybe that's a bad jar.

You could say that again.

Here, let's try another one.

It's really delicious.

All righty.

What's Aunt Martha trying to do,
poison me?

Friends, I can no longer endorse this
product.

If you have ordered it, send in your
cancellations.

Cancel, cancel.

Phone to: Circle 7-2099

or write to: 623 East 68th street.

And do it now.

FRED: Lucy! Ethel!

The mail.

Here it is!
Come on in!

Here it is.
Open up.

Look! Cancellations!

It worked.

Oh, boy.

Oh, yes.

Here.

"Keep kidding the product.

"It's wonderful.
Send me four jars."

"Enjoyed your hilarious advertising
stunt on television.

"Send me a jar of Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing."

"That's the American way to do
things--

"with a sense of humor.

Send me a half a dozen jars."

They're all orders.

Oh... four quarts.

Send me one quart...
Lucy...

(bottles clinking)

(counting under her breath)

(counting under her breath)

(counting under her breath)

(counting under her breath)

(counting under her breath)

(counting under her breath)

(counting under her breath)

Is that the last one?

Next to the last.

Stick out your tongue.

Thanks.

Mine went dry 200 jars ago.

(chuckling)

1,153 jars.

Wow-wee.

Come on, I'm tired.

So am I.

Whew!

Hi, girls.

Hi. Hi.

Listen, I got to feeling sorry for
you,

so I got a whole assembly-line system
figured out.

You can bottle this stuff in no time
at all.

Well, thanks just the same, but we
have news for you:

We're all finished.

Come here.
Finished?

So soon?

My goodness!

How did you do it?

Oh, Lucy had a wonderful idea.

Oh, it wasn't so much.

We just went to the grocery store,

bought 1,133 jars of salad dressing

and pasted our labels on them.

And it only cost ten cents more a
quart than ours.

What?

So we lost money.

We'll spend the rest of our lives
making it up.

Yeah, the main thing is,

we're done with it.
Yeah.

Are you?

What do you mean?

Well, you have to deliver this stuff.

It's gonna cost you at least 20 cents
to mail it.

Just a minute, dear.

We have that all figured out.

Come, Ethel Roberta.

(knock on door)

Oh, hiya, Fred.

Hi, Rick. Did you tell them about our
plan?

Yeah.

What's this?!

They don't need our plan.

They went to the market store,

they bought over a thousand and some
more jars of this stuff,

they got their own labels, they
pasted it on,

and they got it all finished.

Pretty clever.

I'm waiting here to find out how
they're gonna deliver it.

Yeah, how are they gonna do that?

I don't know.
Look, I gave up

trying to outguess them a long time
ago.

Where's my assistant?

Well, you take the East Side, I'll
take the West Side,

and I'll be in Jersey afore ye.

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu
production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.

ANNOUNCER 2: This is the CBS
Television Network.

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