I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 32 - Lucy Gets Ricky on the Radio - full transcript

Hi!

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Hi, kids.

Well, what do we watch?

Comedy? Drama? Soap opera?

I don't care.

Anything but wrestling.

Okay. Ricky, wait a minute.

Let's not watch
television tonight.

Not watch television?!



What else is there to do?

Well, whatever happened
to that game we used to play

before television was invented?

It was called conversation.

Oh, yeah, how did that go?

You know, the four of us

used to just sit around
all evening and talk.

Nothing so unusual about it.

In millions of homes
all over the country,

other people were having

the same kind of
conversations we were having.

Yeah, that's why
television was invented.

Go on, Rick, turn
it on, will you?

Now, wait a minute, Fred.



Maybe Lucy's got
something there.

Yeah, we're four
intelligent, interesting people.

Let's just talk...
Exchange ideas.

Okay.

All right.

Well, what do we talk about?

Anything.

Just let the conversation flow.

Let it go where it wants to.

All right.

Okay, let's start.

Well, come on, let's talk.

Um... how about those elections?

They were really something, huh?

I guess so.

Elections?

Yeah, yeah, I...
What about them?

Well, they had them all right.

Oh.

Oh, come now,

someone must know
something to say.

Oh...

What do we watch?

Let's see what's on, eh?

Okay.

Hey, hey, that's good.

Oh, it's a movie.

That's a pretty new
movie for television.

New?

Yeah, that little girl is
Margaret O'Brien, isn't it?

Look again... It's
Shirley Temple.

Look again...
it's Mary Pickford.

Hey, that's not tuned in right.

I'll get it lighter.

There.

Oh, honey, that's too light.

But don't make it too dark now.

Well, if it's too light,
it hurts my eyes.

Well, compromise.

All right, how's that?

All right, that's
good now. Fine.

That's good.

What are those
lines across there?

There's too much contrast.

I'll fix it.

There. How does it look now?

Well, I can see the
lines much better.

Well, let's try it this way.

There, there, the
lines are fading.

Yeah, the lines are gone.

So is the picture.

Well, wait a minute, will you?

Okay, okay.

All right now, leave it alone.

Leave it alone, leave it alone!

Sit down, will you?
That's fine now!

Sit down.

You think that's in focus?

What?

You think the picture
is sharp enough?

Yeah. It's all right.

Aah, I can get it

much sharper than that.

There, that's
what I call in focus.

Honey, that's too light.

All right.

Uh-oh, that's too dark.

Can't you get
rid of those lines?

Ricky, why couldn't
you have left it alone?

It was fine for all of us.

Well, I'll get it,
honey, I'll get it.

Now, listen, let me do it.

Honey, I know how to do it.

I've had it...

Honey, please, I know...

Oh!

Now see what you've done!

Me?!

Well, that's the end
of television for tonight.

Good, I'm glad. Oh...

Now what are we going to do?

Well, we could try
conversation again,

but personally I'm all worn out

from the last gabfest.

We could make fudge and
dress up in our mothers' clothes.

Yeah, that's the best idea yet.

Oh, wait a minute.

My goodness!

Look!

A radio!

Well, what do you know?

It takes a little
time to warm up.

Well, what are we staring at?

This is a radio.

Testing, testing...

Mr. and Mrs. Eric Findley,
meet Freddy Fillmore.

Oh, I remember this show...

Freddy Fillmore,
Mr. and Mrs. Quiz.

How do you do,
Mr. and Mrs. Findley?

Now, here are your
three $100 questions.

First, who was the youngest
man to be inaugurated

President of the United States?

Theodore Roosevelt.

Theodore Roosevelt?

Oh, no, it was one
of the earlier ones...

Adams or McKinley,
wasn't it, Ethel?

Ask Fred; he was probably there.

Oh, time's up, I'm so sorry.

The youngest president
was 42 years old

the day of his inauguration

and his name was
Theodore Roosevelt.

Well!

What do you know about that?

You were right... How
did you know that?

Doesn't everybody?

"Doesn't everybody?"

Oh-ho-ho!

Now, Mr. and Mrs. Findley,
here's your second question,

and remember, only
one answer between you:

What was the last state to
be admitted to the union?

I know what that was...
uh, Nebraska, Nebraska.

No, it was New Mexico.

Wyoming.

It was Arizona.

Arizona?

Uh, was it Arizona?

You are so right!

The last state to be admitted
to the union was Arizona!

And you now have $100!

Now for your third question:

What was the date of
Lincoln's Gettysburg Address?

Well, brain?

November 19...

1863.

Come on, now,
Mr. Findley, take a guess.

Mrs. Findley?

Sorry, but your time is up.

The answer is November 9, 1863.

Ha!

Oh! Oh, oh, I beg your
pardon, I read that wrong.

The answer is November 19, 1863.

Ha!

Oh, that's too bad, Mr. and Mrs.
Findley, but you do have $100

and a chance at our
$500 jackpot question.

Oh, wait a minute, we
don't have enough time left,

so we'll just have to ask
you the jackpot question

at the beginning
of our next program.

We're a little late, folks,

so this is Freddy
Fillmore saying good night

and remember to tune in every
Monday, Wednesday, and Friday...

I'm very surprised at you.

How did you happen to know

the answer to those questions?

Well, who do you think you're
married to, a country pumpkin?

We studied American
history in Cuba, too, you know.

Well, you're certainly
a lot smarter than I am.

I got all I can do to remember

that there are 46 states.

Forty-eight.

Oh, yeah...

I guess I forgot
Alaska and Hawaii.

Yeah.

Hey, honey,

will you fix us some sandwiches?

Sandwiches?

Yeah, sandwiches...
Two pieces of bread

with a thing in the middle
and the mustard on the top.

Oh, eat, eat, eat,
all they want to...

Come on, Ethel, help me.

Hey, you sure fooled me, Rick.

I'd have bet you couldn't
answer those questions.

I got something to tell
you about that, old man.

What?

That's why I send
them out of the room.

You know, that program
was a delayed broadcast.

Yeah?

Yeah, they made
it this afternoon,

and I was at the station
when they were doing it.

I heard the whole thing.

Then you knew the answers
before they asked them.

Shh!

Yeah.

Boy, you... you tricky Cuban.

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo.

What are you doing?

I thought we were
going shopping.

Oh, I guess I was
just daydreaming

about Ricky knowing the answers

to all those
questions last night.

Just think, he would
have won $300...

$100 for each question.

Gosh.

Three crisp, new,
green $100 bills.

Is that the way you see it?

Uh-huh.

I see it all in pennies

and I'm running
barefoot through it.

Oh, well, we might
as well stop dreaming.

Wait a minute, why
do we have to dream?

Why can't he go on that program

and win all the money?

Sure. You think he'd do it?

Why not? He knows
all the answers.

Besides, it'd give him a chance

to show off, the big ham.

I'm going to call
the station right now.

Hey, you might win
that $500 jackpot,

then you'd really be rich.

Yeah, I'd have golden eggs

all over the house.

Huh?

I didn't realize

what kind of a goose
I was married to.

Freddy Fillmore, please.

Say, wait a minute.

It's a Mr. and Mrs. Quiz show.

You'll have to go on it, too.

So what? Ricky will
answer all the questions.

I'll just stand there,
keep my mouth shut.

Uh, Freddy Fillmore?

Mr. Fillmore, this is
Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.

Mr. Fillmore, I don't
know if you know it or not,

but my husband is
one of the smartest men

in the United States.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, and if you
play your cards right,

you might be able to
get him on your program.

Uh-huh... that's right.

Well, I-I'm sure
he'd be glad to.

Hi, honey.

Oh, Ricky, am I glad
you're home in time.

Time for what?

I have a big surprise for you.

Really? What is it?

I won't tell you until 7:00. Oh?

I was so proud of you last night

knowing the answers
to all those questions.

Well, honey, I have something

to tell you about that, too.

Wait a minute... it's 7:00.

Now, what is it?

Well, you see, that program
that we heard last night

was a delayed broadcast

and I was down at the station

when they were doing it

and that's the reason
that I knew all the answers.

What's the matter, honey?

XYZA, Ricky Ricardo.

Yes, be sure to tune in for

the Mr. and Mrs. Quiz
program tomorrow night

when Freddy Fillmore's
special guests will be

Mr. and Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.

Oh, no.

Lucy...

before I kill you...

would you mind
telling me the details?

Well, you were
so smart last night

and you knew all the answers

and I thought you were a
cinch to win all the money

so I called the radio station...

And why did you call the radio
station without asking me first?

Well, how did I know
that you were faking?

I thought you were an
overgrown Cuban quiz kid.

Look, all I know is that
Columbus discover Ohio in 1776.

Oh, fine. Well, what
are we going to do now?

What are we going to do now?

We'll have to go
through with it.

It's been announced on the air.

I can't back out now.

But you know something? What?

Tomorrow night, when
we get on that show,

you'd better know the answers.

What are you
going to do if I don't?

It's too horrible
to think about.

Eww!

Eww!

Hi, Mr. Fillmore.

Here are the
questions for tonight.

Oh, good, Tommy.

Well, these ought
to be hard enough.

Let's see if you can
answer any of these, Tommy.

Eh, "To whom do you make
your federal tax check out

on March 15?"

You don't know that?

"How do subfreezing
temperatures in the Arctic

affect the growth of trees?"

You don't know that one either?

"Why was the
steamship Ile de France

put in dry dock recently?"

I don't know any of those.

You mean to tell me

you can't answer
these questions?

Neither can I.

Where are the answers?

Oh, didn't I bring them in?

I must have left
them on my desk.

I'll go get them. Okay.

Say, there's a Mrs. Ricky
Ricardo outside to see you.

Oh, yeah, she's one
of the contestants.

Have her come in, will you?

Okay.

You may come in, Mrs. Ricardo.

Thank you.

How do you do, Mrs. Ricardo?

How do you do?

Awfully nice of
you to come down.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you. Uh...

Mr. Fillmore, you can do
me a tremendous favor.

You can get me out
of a very big spot.

Well, anything you
want, I'll do, Mrs. Ricardo.

Oh, thank you very much.

And do you know why?

Why?

Because this is the
biggest break I've ever had,

having you and your husband
appear on my show tonight.

Oh?

Yes. You see, I have an
offer from a national sponsor

who's willing to buy the program

if I can get people like
Ricky Ricardo to appear.

Oh.

And once he's appeared
on the show tonight,

that'll pave the way
for other celebrities.

Oh, I see.

Oh, you don't realize
what a break this is for me.

Now, what can I do for you?

Uh...

could I have some
tickets for the broadcast?

Well, certainly.

You can have all
the tickets you want.

Pardon me, Mr. Fillmore,

here are the answers
for tonight's questions.

Oh, thank you, Tommy.

Have we got some
pips for you tonight.

You have?

Yeah, we sure have.

Oh, that's right, you
wanted those tickets.

Yes, please.

I'll take care of
that right now.

Yes, Mr. Fillmore?

Nancy, will you see
that Mrs. Ricardo

gets all the tickets
she wants, please?

Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I've
got them right here.

Yeah, we can check it.

One...

Yeah.

Uh, two...

Yeah.

Uh, three...

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, that checks.

Okay, now, would you read

that opening commercial
to me, please?

Uh-huh.

That sounds good.

Sure.

Okay.

Why, Mrs. Ricardo,
you-you wouldn't want

to see the answers
for tonight, would you?

Oh, were those the answers?

Well, yes.

You didn't see them, did you?

No, darn it.

Well, good.

Uh... well, uh...

Good-bye, Mr. Fillmore.

Oh, well... good-bye,
Mrs. Ricardo.

So nice of you to come by.

Thank you.

I'll see you tonight. Thank you.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Hi, Lucy, you ready
to go to the broadcast?

I was just going over these
answers... see if I knew them.

Here, you hold the paper.

Uh, the first one is, "the
collector of Internal Revenue."

The second one is, "the
sap runs every two years."

The third is, "to scrape
the barnacles off her hull."

Perfect.

Wonder what the questions are?

Who cares, so long
as I have the answers?

Come on, come on. We
might as well get it over with.

Oh, now, honey,
don't look so worried.

I have an idea I'm
going to walk up there

and give them those
answers one, two, three.

You're so confident,
one would think you knew

what the questions
were going to be.

Yes, one would, wouldn't one?

Come on, come on,
we're all going to be late.

All right!

Let's go.

Oh, I forgot something.

I'll be right with
you. All right.

"Collector of Internal Revenue,
the sap runs every two years

to... to scrape the
barnacles off her hull."

Come on, honey, hurry up.

It's time for Mr. and Mrs. Quiz.

Yes, once again
it's time to play

that fascinating game,
Mr. and Mrs. Quiz

and here to ask the questions

is that well-known quizmaster

Freddy Fillmore!

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen

and welcome once
again to Mr. and Mrs. Quiz.

Now, for our first
contestant tonight

we have a gentleman
known to all of you

as an orchestra
leader and a singer.

But what you don't know...

And we didn't, either,
until his wife told us today...

He's one of the greatest
brains of all time...

A real top intellectual.

Yes, sirree.

And now, just in case you
think we picked questions

to make him look good tonight,

we're going to change
our usual practice

and have him
select his questions

out of this glass
bowl, at random.

And now, here they are,
Mr. and Mrs. Ricky Ricardo!

How do you do,
Mr. and Mrs. Ricardo?

How do you do?

You all ready for
your questions?

Yes, sir.

Oh-ho, they're going
to be pretty hard.

Oh, I'll bet they're
not too hard.

Well, we'll see about that.

Now, remember, you
only have one answer

between the two of you.

Okay, dig right in there, Ricky.

Ah, here we go for number one.

Ah. What is name of the
animal that fastens itself to you

and drains you of your blood?

The Collector of
Internal Revenue.

Oh, I...

I... I'm so sorry.

You only had one answer
between the two of you

and that's wrong.

It is?

Yes, the answer
is, "a vampire bat."

A vampire bat, sure...

That's what I was going to say.

Well, let's try the next one.

Ah, maybe we'll have
better luck this time.

I'll get the next one.

Ah, here we go, number two:

What is a senator's
term of office?

The sap runs every two years.

Oh, I... I'm sorry, Mrs. Ricardo

but you're not giving
your husband a chance.

A senator's term
of office is six years.

Six years, sure.

Why don't you let me answer one?

Well, let's try the last one.

Let me answer this one, eh?

Here we go for number three.

Why did the French
people put Marie Antoinette

under the sharp
blade of the guillotine?

Um...

Well? Um...

You got any ideas?

Well, come on, Ricardos,

you must know the
answer to this one.

Yeah, we know the
answer to this one.

Okay, why did the French people

put Marie Antoinette

under the sharp
blade of the guillotine?

To scrape the
barnacles off her hull.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You are the first
husband-and-wife team ever

to miss all three questions.

What's the matter
with you, honey?

Well, I memorized the answers,

but they must have
switched the questions.

Oh, no, what have
you done to me?

Well, anyway,

you still have a chance

at the giant jackpot question,

and it's worth $500.

Ricky, it's not over yet.

Now, now, we've
all seen the picture

of George Washington
crossing the Delaware.

You've seen that
picture, haven't you?

Yeah, yeah, I've seen it.

And you've seen
it, too, haven't you?

Of course you have.

Now, what I want
you to tell me is this:

What did George Washington
say while making that crossing?

Yeah, I'll, I'll
repeat the question:

What did George Washington say

while crossing the Delaware?

Do you know, Ricky?

Please let me sit down;
this is making me sick.

That's right! That's what
George Washington said

when crossing the Delaware!

Five hundred bucks!

The part of Freddy Fillmore
was played by Frank Nelson.

The office boy was Bobby Ellis

and the announcer was
played by Roy Rowan.

I Love Lucy is a
Desilu production.