I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 31 - The Publicity Agent - full transcript

Oh, boy, how can two people
manage to use so many dishes?

What'll we do tonight, Ricky?

Nothing.

What do you mean, nothing?

Let's call the Mertzes
and play some cards.

I don't feel like
seeing the Mertzes

and I don't want to play cards.

What do you call
what you're doing here?

Tiddledywinks.

Play your black
tiddledy on your red wink.

Look, this game is supposed
to be played by one person,



hence the name Solitaire.

"Hence thee name Solee-taire."

You don't want to
see the Mertzes,

you don't want to play cards.

I'll get you a gun,
you can shoot yourself.

Thank you.

What's the matter
tonight, honey?

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

I guess I'm just
discouraged about my career.

Your career? Why?

Well, I don't seem to
be getting anyplace.

I'm not exciting anymore.

You are to me.

I mean I'm not news.



Can't get my name in the paper.

Nobody's talking about me.

Oh, they are, too.

I hear people talking about you

all the time all over the place.

Yeah, name one.

Well, uh... just
the other morning

the milkman asked
me how your cold was.

That's what I mean.

The milkman wants
to know how my cold is.

Big deal.

Well, what about
your publicity agent?

That's a good question.

I should give that
50 bucks a week

to someone who can
get my name in the paper.

50 bucks a week.

Gee, would you give that job

to anybody who's...
who's bright and energetic

and has wonderful
ideas about publicity?

Who?

Well, would you?

Well, who is it?

If I don't get your
name in the paper,

it won't cost you a cent.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no,
please, please don't!

Now, no, Lucy,
don't... look, look.

Just forget the whole
thing, will you, please?

Now, just-just-just
put publicity

out of your mind altogether.

Oh, come, now.

Oh, my goodness.

What a horrible thought.

It isn't that bad.

Look, you want
to help me really?

Sure. All right.

Just-just-just forget
publicity altogether.

All right.

Don't even tell people
that you know me.

All right! All right.

Okay.

All right. All right already.

Good morning, Lucy.

Hi.

What are you doing?

Figuring out the
value of my jewelry.

Insurance?

No, publicity.

Rick's worried

because he hasn't been
getting enough publicity,

so I'm going to help him.

You know how
those Hollywood stars

get their name in the paper
when their jewels are stolen.

Hey, that's a wonderful idea.

Yeah. I can see
the headline now.

So can I.

"Ricky Ricardo's wife robbed

of priceless
jewels valued at..."

43 dollars.

Some headline.

Yeah.

Hey, how about letting Ricky
win a title like Miss America?

He doesn't have the
right measurements.

Oh, that's not what I meant.

No, we need
something like this. Look.

"The Shah of Persia
has a standing order

for all of Benny
Goodman's records."

Well, you can do
exactly the same thing.

How?

Have Ricky order all of
Benny Goodman's records.

Oh, Ethel!

This item is good only
because it concerns royalty

from a faraway country.

That's what makes it exciting.

Oh.

If we just knew a
countess or a princess

who couldn't live
without "Babalu."

You don't know
any royalty, do you?

My aunt was
Queen-for-a-Day once.

Well, we'll just have
to dream someone up.

Let's see now.

We'll tell the papers that
an exotic princess is coming

from a faraway country,

traveling halfway
around the world

just to hear Ricky
Ricardo in person.

Hey, that's sensational!

Yeah, now, what
country will she be from?

Well, it can't be
too well-known.

No.

I know... Franistan.

Yeah...

Franistan?

I never heard of it.

Neither did I.

Princess Scheherazade,

daughter of the
Maharajah of Franistan.

Oh, if she was the
daughter of a maharajah,

they wouldn't call
her a princess.

What would they call her?

A maharani.

Oh, no, Ethel, that's
a maharajah's wife.

Oh.

I guess she'd be
a "maharincess."

"Maharincess." Yeah.

Scheherazade,
Maharincess of Franistan.

Gee, that's wonderful.

Yeah.

Too bad she can't
really come to town.

Yeah.

Of course, that's impossible.

Yeah?

Lucy!

Just call me Scheherazade.

You wouldn't dare!

I would, too. Will you help me?

I'm yours to command,
my maharincess.

The papers will eat this up.

Come on, we got
a lot of work to do.

Now, you look up
the phone numbers

of all the newspapers in town.

All right. I got the
number of the Post here.

And we have to make a
reservation at a fancy hotel.

How about staying
at the Waldorf?

Swell.

Hello.

Hello, City Editor, please.

This is the overseas operator.

Hello, Editor?

We have an overseas
call from Franistan.

It's a Maharani-to-person call.

Go ahead, Franistan.

Hello, hello, hello?

Hello, this is the
Maharani of Franistan.

Please do not print in paper
about my daughter, Scheherazade.

The Maharincess,
she come to America.

Yes, she come to America

and Maharajah very
mad she come to America

just to see famous
singer in person.

He is famous band leader.

Ricky Ricardo.

Ricky Ricardo!

Ricky Ricardo!

R-i-c-k-y R...

Yeah, that's right,
Ricky Ricardo.

Yes.

Now, promise... promise
you print nothing in paper,

and you do not try to contact
her at Waldorf Astoria Hotel.

Waldorf Astoria Hotel!

Yeah, good-bye.

Good-bye.

How'd I sound?

Great.

Give me the next number.

Well, do you know
when he'll be in?

All right, look, as
soon as he gets there,

would you please
tell him to call me?

This is Ricky Ricardo.

I'm down at the club.

All right, good-bye.

Hi, Rick.

Hiya, Fred.

Did you see the paper?

Yeah, I saw the paper.

Congratulations, old boy.

Look at the size of this type.

"Franistan royalty
makes pilgrimage

to see Cuban idol."

I know, I know.

"Maharajah's daughter claims
Ricky Ricardo is real gone."

I've read it, Fred, I read it.

Yeah, yeah, well, I'd...

kind of think you'd be
a little bit more excited.

Not every band leader

can make a maharincess
flip her beanie.

No... you don't mean to tell me

you really believe
that story, do you?

Well, it's in all the papers.

Are you out of your
head or something?

A member of royalty

in some ridiculous
place called Crafistan...

Or whatever the
name of the joint is...

She gets ahold of
one of my records,

so she travels halfway
around the world

just to hear me sing.

Well, that's the phoniest story

I've ever heard in my life.

Then where did it come from?

My press agent, where else?

I told that character I
wanted some publicity,

but this is ridiculous.

I'll be laughed right
out of the business.

Well, now that I think it over,

it does sound pretty silly.

Of course it's silly.

Only an idiot will
believe a story like that.

Hello.

Kenny. Now, look, what is
the matter with you, Kenny?

Are you trying to get me
kicked out of show business?

You know what
I'm talking about...

The story in the
paper, the story.

Look, that is the most
ridiculous, the most stupid,

the silliest, phoniest...

What?

You didn't?

Now, wait a minute, Clem.

You're not kidding me, are you?

Well, I'm going to call the
Waldorf right away and find out.

You did call the Waldorf.

And the Maharincess of Franistan
registered there this morning?

Holy cow.

Huh.

How about that?

Okay. Talk to you later, kid.

I guess it's true.

Somebody around here just said

only an idiot would
fall for a story like that.

Now, wait a minute, Fred.

Now, let's look at it this way.

Here's this-this poor girl

sitting in her castle
in faraway Franistan,

she gets ahold of
one of my records,

she finds my voice irresistible,

and she falls madly in love.

There's nothing
far-fetched about that.

Maybe I ought to go
out and come in again.

Gee, I wonder if
she speaks English.

You know what they
speak in Franistan?

I don't know. Where is it?

Where is it?

Yeah.

Oh, Fred, don't
you know anything?

No. Where is it?

Franistan?

Yeah.

Well, it's right between
Czechoslovakia and...

Below the border of Austria.

Well, you know, it's stuck

right in between
Switzerland and Persia...

Right in there someplace.

Oh, there!

Yeah, there... Franistan.

That's where it is, right there.

How about that?

Gee, I wonder what you do
when you're introduced to royalty.

How about this, Fred...

Your Highness, I am
delighted to meet you.

Oh, Mr. Ricardo, you send me!

Now, you're sure
that Her Highness

said she'd be here at 3:00?

Yes, her
lady-in-waiting called me

right after they
checked into the Waldorf,

and she said she'd
be here at 3:00.

Hey, Ricky...

hold it.

Thanks.

Are you going to put on
a whole show just for her?

Yes, yes, it's a command
performance, you know.

We're going to do everything.

Hey, Rick, I just
called the house again.

Lucy and Ethel
must be out shopping.

Oh, gee, that's too
bad they have to miss it.

Yeah. Uh, fellows...

now, please don't forget how
we rehearsed her entrance now.

All right. All right?
We tuned up?

Okay.

Cigarette?

Yeah, please, thank you.

I guess you must
be pretty nervous

at meeting royalty
like this, huh?

Mm? Nervous?

No. Why should I be nervous

about meeting royalty?

I don't have to be...

Hey, Rick, look.

Here they come.

All right, fellows,
up, everybody up.

The Maharincess of Franistan.

Your Highness.

Welcome to the Tropicana.

Your Highness.

Uh...

Your Highness...

Um... Your Highness, uh...

did you have a nice trip over?

Yes.

Um...

Uh... are you... are you
enjoying your stay in America?

Yes.

Would Her Highness answer

a few questions for the press?

Yes. Good.

Your highness, is
it true that Ricky...

Uh-uh-uh.

Oh.

Your Highness, is it true

that Ricky Ricardo is
your favorite vocalist?

Yes.

Do you like any other
American performers?

No.

Now, let me see if I
have this straight...

You've never seen
Ricky Ricardo in person,

you first heard his
records two years ago

and you fell in
love with his voice

and decided to come
to America to see him.

Your father didn't approve,
but you came anyway

and you can hardly
wait to hear him sing.

Is that right?

Yes, no, yes, yes,
yes, no and yes.

I see.

Now, about the
political situation

in Franistan... do you...

Please!

No more questions.

The Maharincess
want you to sing.

Oh, well...

I'm deeply honored.

♪ When we are dancing ♪

♪ And you're
dangerously near me ♪

♪ I get ideas... ♪

Hold it, hold it.

What's wrong, please?

You sing, she swoons.

Please go on.

Well, well, if-if my
singing makes her faint,

maybe I'd better not.

Please, I like it.

♪ When we are dancing ♪

♪ And you're
dangerously near me ♪

♪ I get ideas, I get ideas ♪

♪ I want to hold you ♪

♪ So much closer
than I dare to... ♪

♪ I want to scold you ♪

♪ But I care more
than I fear to ♪

♪ And when you touch me ♪

♪ I perspire in
every finger... ♪

♪ I get ideas, I get ideas ♪

♪ And after we have kissed
good night and still you linger ♪

♪ I kind of think
you get ideas, too. ♪

♪ Though your eyes
are always saying ♪

♪ The things you're
never saying ♪

♪ I only hope they're saying ♪

♪ That you could love me, too. ♪

♪ For that's the
whole idea, it's true ♪

♪ The lovely idea ♪

♪ That I've fallen in love ♪

♪ With... ♪

♪ You. ♪

Oh.

Encore, encore.

Encore. Thank you.

Really, would you
like some more?

Really.

Oh, I see, uh...

Uh, Your Highness, I understand

that... your favorite
number of ours is... "Babalu."

Oh! "Babalu"...

"Babalu"!

♪ Babalu... ♪

♪ Babalu... ♪

Well, Lucy, we'd
better get out of here.

We've got to check
out of this hotel

and get home in time for dinner.

Oh, but I'm so tired
after that performance

at the club all afternoon.

It was worth it.

Think all the publicity
Ricky's going to get.

Yeah, but why did he have
to sing so many songs?

25 numbers and every
other one was "Babalu."

If I'd had to faint one
more time, I'd have fainted.

Well, let's get out of here.

Okay.

Listen, if that's
another reporter,

don't let him in.

Yes?

Where is Her Highness?

Hey, wait a minute.

Where is Her Highness?

What do you want here?

I want to...

Your highness, you
are in terrible danger.

Things are not going
good in Franistan.

Franistan?

Oh, wait a minute,
now, who are you?

Chief of Franistanian
Secret Police, Amjan Xanadu.

Well, I'm Lucy Ricardo.

You do not have to conceal
your identity from me.

You bear the mark that is borne

only by women of
royal Franistan family...

Red and black hair.

Look, this is just a wig, see?

Please believe me,
you are in great danger.

The revolutionists
are after you.

Hey, he's serious.

Good heavens, Ethel.

Do you really think there is
such a place as Franistan?

Hurry. We have no time to lose!

Too late, they are here!

Who's here... what do you mean?!

Who's here?

Huh?

There she is.

Tom Tom, get him!

Ooh, what's the matter?

LUCY: No! No!

Farewell, Your Highness.

Please tell Maharajah I
have died for my country.

No...

no...

no!

We want royal secret.

Look, fellows, you
got me all wrong, I...

You have red and black
hair of Franistan royalty.

What is secret?

All right, I'll give
you the secret.

It's every two weeks,

a cup of henna to
a gallon of water.

I'm not a maharincess,
I'm a henna-rinse-ess.

She will talk when
the Tiger gets here.

The Tiger?

He knows all methods
of oriental torture.

Water dripping on head.

Death by a thousand cuts.

Oh!

Ow!

The lingering
death of the whips.

The Tiger knows them all.

Well, so long, Lucy.

Ethel, Ethel, where
are you going?

The Tiger!

The Tiger, the Tiger.

Hail, Tiger.

Hail, Tiger.

Hail, Tiger.

Hail, Tiger.

Hail, Tiger!

Hail, Tiger.

Hail, Tiger!

Hail, Tiger.

Hail, Tiger!

Hail, Tiger.

Ricky!

Hi, Ethel.

Fred Mertz!

Mr. Foster and...

Joe! Joe!

What is this?!

Well, "what is this?"
You're asking me, eh?

When I found out

that you were the
Maharincess of Franistan,

I decided to scare
the life out of you

so you wouldn't try a
fool thing like that again.

Oh, well, how did you find out?

How did I find out?
Who else but you

would listen to me sing 25 songs

and ask for more?

Well, I don't think
it was very funny.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.

You scared us half to death.

Oh, Ethel, were you scared?

I knew it was Ricky
and Fred all the time.

It didn't bother m...

The part of the reporter
was played by Peter Leeds.

The photographer was
played by Bennett Green.

The two assassins were played
by Dick Reeves and Gil Herman.

I Love Lucy is a
Desilu Production.