I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 27 - The Kleptomaniac - full transcript

Lucy is the chairman of a bazaar for her club, but doesn't tell Ricky. When he finds all the cash and donations hidden in the apartment, he accuses her of being a compulsive thief.

Hi, Lucy, I came up
to give you some...

What was that?

It was on the ceiling.

I'm trying to learn

to flip pancakes up in the air

like they do in restaurants.

Oh.

I came up to give
you this money.

Boy, am I glad to
get it off my hands.

What is all that?

What are you trying
to do... bribe me?



The club treasurer
asked me to give it to you.

Oh, for the bazaar.

Yeah. You're supposed to use it

to rent the hall and
buy the refreshments,

have the posters printed... Shh!

What's the matter?

I don't want Ricky
to hear. Lucy,

haven't you told him you're
chairman of the bazaar?

No, and I'm not going
to tell him till next Friday.

But the bazaar's next Thursday.

Exactly.

You sure live dangerously, Lucy.

Well, after what happened

at the Fourth of July
carnival last year,



Ricky made me promise
that I wouldn't get mixed up

in any more club affairs.

I don't blame him.

You weren't very bright

throwing all those skyrockets

and Roman candles
in a fireplace.

Well, who uses a
fireplace in July?

He should have looked

before he threw
that match in there.

Poor Ricky.

His eyebrows didn't
grow in for a month.

You remember those little baby
toupees he wore over each eye?

Say, where are you
hiding all the stuff

that's been donated
to the bazaar auction?

I'll show you.

What a treasure trove!

Shh!

Say, when we sell that,

the club will have
nothing but money.

And I've got a slew
of stuff to collect.

I'm going out as
soon as Ricky leaves.

Lucy! Yeah, dear?

Ready yet? Okay, yeah.

I got to run along.

So long. Bye-bye.

Hey! Not a word to Ricky.

Don't worry. Okay.

Good morning, honey.

Good morning, dear.

Hey!

Tortillas.

Yeah.

I made them

out of Aunt Jemima tortilla mix.

Oh, I keep forgetting
here in America

you call them flapcakes.

Come again?

Hot jacks?

You were closer with tortillas.

They are hot cakes.

Oh.

Not these.

These are cold cakes.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I'll make you some hot ones.

No, honey, it'll take too long.

I'll just have some
coffee. I'm in a hurry.

Well, I'll make some for myself.

Listen, you got any money?

I haven't got any
money for cab fare.

I don't know. There's my
bag over there on the shelf.

Thanks.

Oh, honey, I just remembered...

No, I don't have any money.

I don't have a cent
in there, honey.

Give me my bag.

Wait a... wait...

I don't have a
cent. Wait a minute.

What are you getting
so excited about?

Let's see what's in here.

Wow.

What is this?

Uh... it's my mad money.

150... 160... 170... $200 here.

Yeah, I get awful mad.

Lucy.

Where did you get this money?

Uh... I saved it out
of my allowance?

No?

Uh... No.

Uh...

Ew...

Now, Lucy, this is no joke.

There's a lot of money here.

I want to know where you got it.

Ricky, you said you
were late for work.

Now, Lucy, I want to know
where you got that money.

Did you earn it?
Did you borrow it?

Did you steal
it? Yeah, that's it.

Which one?

Oh, it doesn't matter...
Any one of them.

Now, Lucy...

All right.

You'll find out sooner
or later anyway.

I stole it.

What?

Well, I'm sorry... I saw it

and I just couldn't help myself.

Now, Lucy, you're
not telling me the truth.

Yes, I am.

Word of honor?

Well... what good's a
crook's word of honor?

Look, I haven't got
time for jokes right now

but by the time that I
come home this afternoon,

you'd better have an explanation

of how you got that
money, understand?

Yes, sir.

All right.

I'll take the subway.

Lucy?

Lucy?

Ricky?

Lucy?

Yeah? Oh, there you are.

How did everything go today?

Oh, just wonderful. I
got some wonderful stuff.

That's great.

But listen, Ethel,

Ricky found that bazaar money

in my bag this morning.

He did? How did you explain it?

Oh, I didn't.

I tried to gag my way
out by saying I stole it.

Stole it?!

Yeah, well, he
didn't believe me.

Listen, Ethel, can I tell
him that it belongs to you?

Huh?

Can I tell him the
money is yours?

Well, if you'll do
me a favor. What?

Do you think you
could auction off

that hideous cuckoo clock

that Fred won at Coney Island?

Well, sure, but Fred
would never donate that.

But I've got a scheme.

I bought a little
clock to donate

and I'm going to tell you
to go downstairs and get it.

It's on a table next
to the cuckoo clock

and you take the cuckoo
clock by mistake, see?

After it's auctioned off,

what can he do about it?

Ethel, how could ever think
up a sneaky scheme like that?

Who do you think you are... me?

I'll do it.

Fred?

Yeah.

Where are you?

Right here.

I'm trying to fix the
leg on this darn couch.

It keeps coming
off all the time.

You want to give me a hand?

Listen, Fred, I got an
awful problem on my hands.

You should have thought of
that before you married her.

Look, this is no joke.

This morning I found

a roll of bills in
Lucy's purse... $200.

And just now I saw her
sneaking in the house

carrying some
big silver things...

Real expensive-looking stuff.

Well, there must be
some explanation.

I don't think so.

She hid them in the closet.

You know, there must be

thousands of dollars
worth of stuff in that closet

that doesn't belong to us.

Gee-whiz, you don't
suppose she's a kleptomaniac?

Oh, no, I just think
she steals things.

Yeah, that's what
a kleptomaniac is...

A person who steals
things and can't help it.

It's a kind of a disease.

Oh, gee.

Oh, you must be mistaken.

Come on, help me
with this, will you?

Okay.

My God.

Fred, are you home?

Fred?

Oh, Fred.

You see! Yeah, if I hadn't
seen it with my own eyes,

I'd never believe it.

How do you like that?

She is a klep... klep... klep...

what you said.

Oh, this is terrible.

I'm married to a thief.

Now, listen, Rick, if
she is a kleptomaniac,

it isn't her fault.

She doesn't know
what she's doing.

She's just a poor, sick person,

and we shouldn't
blame her for...

Hey, that dirty
crook stole my clock!

What am I going to do?

Well, I don't know about you

but I'm going to get
my cuckoo clock.

Come on, let's sneak
up the back way.

Okay.

Come on.

Hi, fellas.

Hi, Lucy.

Hi, Lucy.

What's new?

Nothing.

If you'll excuse me,

I got to go in the bedroom.

Lucy?

Lucy, I want to talk

to you about something, honey.

Won't you sit down?

Oh, I'd rather not. I...

Don't you... don't you
have anything to tell me?

No.

Aren't you hiding something

under your coat?

No, no, that's all me.

Too much pie and
cake lately, I guess.

Are-are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

What was that?

Yeah.

Oh, I did it.

Uh... ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo. ♪

I'm learning to do birdcalls.

It didn't sound like you.

Well, it was.

I'm... ♪ Cuckoo. ♪

I'm... I-I-I do...

I do several kinds of birdcalls.

Uh... ♪ Cuckoo ♪

Uh... uh...

Birdcalls?

Yeah. Um...

What was that?

That was a South African
Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker.

♪ Cuckoo. ♪

♪ Cuckoo. ♪

Do you, do you know
any more birdcalls?

Um...

What was that?

A hummingbird.

♪ Cuckoo. ♪

♪ Cuckoo. ♪

You do that cuckoo
a lot, don't you?

Well, that's my best one.

♪ Cuckoo. ♪

Um... I do the English sparrow.

♪ Cuckoo. ♪

♪ Cuckoo. ♪

♪ Cuckoo. ♪

It's part sparrow and
part ♪ cuckoo. ♪

I know someone who's all cuckoo.

I'll see you later, fellas.

I want my cuckoo clock.

Wait, Fred, please.

You'll get your cuckoo
clock back later.

The most important
thing right now is Lucy.

Now, come on. Let's
go down to your place.

What are you going to do?

Well, there's only
one thing to do.

I'm going to call
a physaciatrist.

What?

A physaciatrist.

I'm going to call a head doctor.

I think you should.

Come on, will you?

Lucy? What?

Lucy, The most
awful thing happened.

Fred and Ricky saw you
take the cuckoo clock.

They couldn't have.
There was nobody there.

Yes, there was.

They were behind the
sofa fixing something.

Oh, so that's why they were
asking me all those questions.

And that's not all. Ricky
was hiding in the kitchen

and saw you putting
all that stuff in the closet.

Oh, and that money this morning.

What must he think?

He thinks you're a kleptomaniac.

What?

A kleptomaniac.

He came down to our apartment

and called a psychiatrist.

I heard him. He
told him all about it.

He's bringing him
home with him tonight.

Oh, he is, is he?

A fine, trusting
husband to have.

Well, I'll show him.

Now, wait a minute, Lucy.

After all,

Ricky actually saw
you taking things.

Sure I've been taking things

but he thinks I've
been taking things.

Oh.

Why don't you tell
him about the bazaar?

What, and admit
that I'm a liar? Oh, no.

If he wants a
wife who's a thief,

I'll give him a
wife who's a thief.

Lucy, what are you hatching?

When Ricky and that psychiatrist

come home tonight,

we are going to be
playing a little play,

starring Lucy the Lip
and Babyface Ethel.

Oh, no.

You're not going
to get me in on this.

Listen to me, Babyface.

Now, you help me
pull this job or I'll squeal

that you were the brains
in the cuckoo clock caper.

Okay, you got me.

What's the deal?

Come in, Doctor.

Oh, remember, Ricky, not doctor.

Oh, that's right... Tom.

Lucy, where are you?

Oh, give me your coat.

Oh, thank you.

Sit down, won't you?

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Lucy?

I wonder where she could be.

Well, I...

Hi, Rick. You seen
Ethel? Hiya, Fred.

No.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you had company.

Oh, that's all right.

This is a very
good friend of mine,

Dr. Robinson, the physaciatrist.

This is our landlord, Mr. Mertz.

How do you do, Mr. Mertz?

How are you, Doctor?

Very well, thank you.

Listen, don't call him
doctor in front of Lucy.

We want her to think
that he's just a friend, see?

Oh.

Have you seen Lucy?

She's probably with Ethel.

Maybe they're out shopping.

Yeah... or shoplifting.

Well, I hope they'll
be home soon.

Would you like a cigarette, Doc?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Well, this is the first time I
ever smoked one of these.

Gee.

Fred, look at all these jewels.

Sticky fingers strikes again!

Wait a minute... what's
the matter with this chair?

Look at this.

A blowtorch.

A crowball... a crowbar.

Flash.

This is terrible.

Let me see what this is.

What is it?

Oh, no.

It's the floor plan of the
Chase National Bank.

The 72nd street branch. Yeah.

Why, that's where
I keep my money.

This is serious.

Oh, I hope I'm not
too late to help her.

What's going...

Okay.

Okay? Okay.

Did you get any of them?

Yeah, I got two... a
flatfoot and a private eye.

I got the eye in the foot
and the foot in the eye.

I winged a couple myself.

Oh, hiya, Ricky.

Hiya, Lucy.

Hi, Ethel.

Hi, fatso.

Who's the geek?

Eh, Lucy, this is a
very good friend of mine

Tom... Tom Robinson.

This is my wife, Lucy,
and that's Mrs. Mertz.

Oh, how do you do, my dear?

Lucy!

What are you doing?

Just frisking him

to see if he's carrying a rod.

Hiya, Tom.

Oh, how do... ouch!

Oh, pardon the brass knuckles.

Lucy, where have you been?

Chase National Bank.

Oh, no.

You did it!

Nah, stupid here forgot
the map and the torch.

I'm sorry, brain.

Yeah... another slip like that

and it'll be curtains for you.

Understand? Oh, it
won't happen again.

I promise, brain.

Aah, shut up.

If you forgot the map...

If you forgot the map,

where'd you get
that bag of dough?

Well, just so the evening
wouldn't be a total loss,

we knocked over a gas station

on the way home.

Oh, no, no, no...

What are you
yapping about, tubby?

It beats running this
crummy apartment house.

Now, what are you doing...

Listen, come to
your senses, will ya?!

Oh...

so you're holding out
on me, eh, Babyface?

This gang ain't big
enough for the both of us.

No, no, I'm too young to die!

Mrs. Ricardo.

Yeah? Mrs. Ricardo...

Yeah.

Look me straight in the eye.

Yeah?

Mrs. Ricardo, you
don't hate anyone.

You're at peace
with all the world.

You love everybody.

Yeah?

Yes.

And you're tired.

You're feeling very
tired, aren't you?

Yeah.

And you're getting very drowsy.

Yeah.

You feel so very sleepy

and calm and peaceful.

Yeah.

Relax.

Relax.

Relax.

That's a good girl.

Right down there.

Um...

oh, uh...

let's put little, uh,
"Tommy" to bed, shall we?

Now, Mrs. Ricardo,

why don't you tell me

how you got started

in this life of crime?

Go back.

Go back into your childhood.

Go back.

Back.

Back.

Well, it all started
when I was a little girl.

I was riding on the
streetcar one day

and I looked up and I saw
a box and it said, "take one."

So I took one.

There was nothing
wrong with that.

Oh, yes, there was.

From then on, I took anything
that came into my pretty head

even though it
didn't say, "take one."

I took a bright, new penny.

I took a bicycle.

I took a little boy.

You took a little boy?

Yeah.

But my mother made
me give him back.

And then... then you grew up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, and I began
picking pockets.

I picked a peck of pockets.

Pretty soon I graduated
to purse snatching.

Would you like to
see my collection?

Well, uh... I don't
believe I have time.

Where's my watch?

Right here, sonny.

Come on, dead end.

Okay, brains.

Oh, Ricky, this is much
more serious than I realized.

Oh, do you think
there's any hope?

Do you think you can do
something? I don't know.

Hey! That's a lot of purses!

Yeah, I got purses here

that I ain't never opened yet.

Get a load of this loot, sonny.

Get a load of that, will you?

Boy, I been snatching purses

for nigh unto 12 years.

Whoa, boy!

I grabbed this one
quicker than I thought.

I remember now...

Snatched this off a
dummy in a store window.

Mrs. Ricardo.

Yeah?

I'm not just a friend
of your husband's.

No?

No. I'm a doctor,
a psychiatrist.

Now, if you'll undergo
treatment with me,

I think I can cure
you of all this.

Well... I think I'm
cured completely.

I don't think I'll
ever steal anything

as long as I live. Oh, why?

Well, what is there left?

This morning I achieved
my highest desire...

A kleptomaniac's dream.

What do you mean, Mrs. Ricardo?

Well, I... sandpapered
my fingertips,

put on my big coat with
the big, secret pocket,

went down to
Clyde Beatty Circus.

Down to Clyde Beatty Circus...

What could she possibly get
at the Clyde Beatty Circus?

Oh!

The part of the doctor was
played by Joseph Kearns.

I Love Lucy is a
Desilu production.