I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 2 - Be a Pal - full transcript

( lighthearted music plays)

( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)

( theme song ending)

More coffee, dear?

Ricky, you want
some more coffee?

Are your eggs all right, dear?

Are your eggs...

"How are your eggs, Lucy?"

"Oh, they're just
fine, thank you."

"Would you care for
some more coffee?"

"Oh, no, thanks.



It's just right, thank you."

"You're a wonderful cook."

"Oh! Do you really think so?

Oh, thank you."

"Would you care for
sugar in your coffee?"

"Oh, well, thank you,
don't mind if I do."

You are back there, aren't you?

( knocking at door)

Answer it, dear.

( knocking continues)

Good morning, is the
lady of the house in?

Luce...!

What are you doing out there?

The least you
could do is stay here



and have breakfast
with your husband

in the morning.

Oh, I only got ten
minutes to get to rehearsal.

Bye, honey. I'll
see you for dinner.

'Morning, Lucy.

( angrily): Hello!

(pots and cups clattering)

How are things?

Just fine.

What's the matter,
aren't you hungry?

Somebody's disposition

got up on the wrong side
of the bed this morning.

Did you and Ricky have words?

We had words all right,
but they were all mine.

I'm sick and tired
of eating breakfast

opposite a newspaper.

Does Ricky hide behind his
newspaper in the morning?

He certainly does!

Does he ignore you

and refuse to answer questions?

Exactly.

Well, this is a case
for Dr. Humphries.

Dr. Who-phries?

Dr. Humphries...
He just wrote a book

called How to Keep the
Honeymoon From Ending.

Is that a "Book of
the Week" selection?

Uh-huh. We have that book.

Well, you should read it.

Why? What could Dr. Humphries
possibly know about Ricky?

I'll show you.

Where's the book?

Over there on the desk, I guess.

Well, now... let's see.

Here: "Chapter One:
When Love is on the Wane.

"Often after the first
years of marriage,

"the husband seems to
lose interest in the wife.

"He reads the paper
at the breakfast table.

"He doesn't answer
when you talk to him.

"In short, he doesn't seem

to know you are alive."

I wonder where
Dr. Humphries ever met Ricky.

"More than likely,

this unfortunate condition
is the fault of the wife."

What?!

That's a lot of nonsense.

"Contrary to what
some wives may think,

this is not a lot of nonsense."

Well.

"Research shows
that this condition starts

"when the wife becomes careless

"about her appearance.

"Let her ask herself
these questions:

"Does she come to breakfast

with her hair in curlers?"

"Is she sloppy in her attire?"

"Does she forget to
make up her face?"

"Is the answer to
these questions 'Yes'?

"Then it is time

for the wife to do
something about it."

What?

"Dress up for your
husband at breakfast.

"Be glamorous and sophisticated.

"Make yourself so attractive,

"he not only will pay attention
to you during breakfast,

he won't even want
to leave for the office."

I'll do it.

Tomorrow morning,
I'll be simply dazzling.

Good morning, Ricky darling.

More coffee, Ricky darling?

Sugar, dear?

Cream?

Jam on your toast, sweetheart?

I want a divorce.

That's nice, dear.

Fuego! Fuego! Fuego!

Lucy, get out!

Fire! Fire!

What's the matter with you?

You crazy or something?

Look at me.

Well?

Well?

You don't look so good.

Let me see your tongue.

Say "Ah."

Ah.

I think you'd better
go and see a doctor.

There's nothing
the matter with me.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Well, thank goodness.

Good-bye, sweetheart. Got to go.

But Ricky...

Oh, Ethel and that
stale book of hers.

Hello.

Hello, Ethel, what you doing?

I'm eating a donut.

Well, come on up here and
have coffee with me, will you?

What are you talking about?

I can't understand you;
will you talk into the phone?

What?

Oh, hi, Ethel, I'll be
with you in a minute.

I got to hang up now,
Ethel, Ethel's here.

( screams)

I've been here all along.

Oh.

Gee, you look great.

Thank you.

Well, is everything okey-dokey?

No, everything is inky-stinky.

What happened?

Nothing! He didn't
even notice me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't imagine
why it didn't work.

Well, let's see what
Dr. Humphries has to say.

Oh, forget that
tired Dr. Humphries.

What does he know?

"Be glamorous in the morning.

"Be sophisticated.

This method cannot fail."

Ha! Ha!

Now, just a minute.

Let's look at chapter two.

"If the method in
chapter one fails..."

And it did.

"If the method in
chapter one fails,

you should next try
the 'Be a Pal' system."

"'Be a Pal' system"?

"Share your husband's interests.

"Join in his hobbies.

"If he hunts, take up hunting.

"If he fishes, take up fishing.

If he golfs, take up golfing."

Ricky plays poker... I'll
have to take up poking.

Hey, Ricky's playing
tonight, isn't he?

Yeah, with Fred and the boys

down in our apartment.

I'm joining that game.

Attagirl.

Oh, wait a minute.

I don't know how to play poker.

So what? I can teach
you in a couple of hours.

Okay, how do we start?

Well, it's a lot like hearts,

only you bet

and there isn't any old maid.

Aces and tens.

Hold it, Curly.

Three ladies.

Your deal, Charlie.

Hiya, fellas.

Hiya, Charlie. Hiya, Hank.

Hello.

Lucy, what's going on?

Well, thought I'd join the
game, if you guys don't mind.

CHARLIE: Well...

What goes?

Look, honey, we'd
love to play with you,

but you don't know
how to play poker.

Oh, yes, I do.

Ethel taught me this afternoon.

Oh, no!

Honey, please,
now, we're trying...

I'll just sit right in here.

Could you move over a bit, Hank?

Thanks a lot. Thank you.

You mind, Hank?

Not really.

You fellas?

I guess not.

Well, go on.

Deal the cards,
Charlie. Deal 'em!

I don't have any of
those little round things.

Here, I'll finance you.

Oh, is this money?

Ooh!

Ooh! A queen.

There's her sister.

Honey, you're supposed

to keep your cards a secret.

Oh.

Ooh!

What'd you get,
Fred? What'd you get?

Well, I shouldn't talk,

but you can tell your
two Andrews Sisters

not to wait up for Laverne.

I'll open for two.

I'm in.

( clears throat)

Honey, if you want
to stay in the pot,

you've got to put in two chips.

Oh, oh.

Cards?

Two.

Two.

Three for me, please.

Three.

( clears throat)

How many cards you want, Lucy?

Oh, do I get more?

Honey, you've got

to get rid of your worst cards

in order to get new ones.

Oh, my! This is a problem.

Honey, please, you're
holding up the game.

Well, I can't decide

whether to throw
away my two queens

or my three kings.

What are you doing that for?

'Cause as much as we
hate to admit it, you won.

I did?

Hey, this is fun.

You deal, Hank.

I think I'll deal
this one, fellas.

Lucy, it's his...

I'll fix it.

You got your five? Yeah.

I got my five.

Everybody got their cards?

Thank you.

There.

I open for two.

I'm in.

I'll stay.

Oh, excuse me.

I'm in.

( clears throat)

Oh.

Cards, honey. Cards, please.

Oh.

No, the other way around, dear.

I'm fine.

You look tired.

Two.

Two.

Three for me, please.

I'll take four.

( clears throat)

I bet three.

I'm out.

Me, too.

I'm folding.

How about you, Peeping Tom?

Well, I'll bet five.

Oh, you're raising me?

I am?

There's your raise,
and I'll raise you two.

Well, there's your raise,
and I'll raise you three.

There's your raise,
and I'll raise you four.

Well, there's your
raise, and I'll raise you...

Ricky?

What?

Run over it for me, will you?

Run over what?

You know, what beats what.

Two pairs beat a pair.

Go on.

Three of a kind beats two pair.

Go on.

MEN: A straight
beats three of a kind.

Go on.

A flush beats a straight.

Go on.

A full house beats a flush.

Go on.

Four of a kind
beats a full house.

That's the one!

They're all yours.

Whee!

(whistles)

Ha! Ha!

Oh, boy.

Honey, just out of curiosity

what were your four of a kind?

Oh, I didn't have
four of a kind,

I had a pair.

( groans)

Sure... see? Two nines.

Lucy?

Yeah.

This one is a nine...

Uh-huh.

And this one is a six.

( groans)

Oh, what do you know about that.

I didn't even have a pair.

Isn't that funny?

Gee, this is fun.

Let's play a wild game.

Everything wild
but the old maid.

Oh, forget that book, will you?

As far as I'm concerned,

Dr. Humphries can go jump-phrey.

This morning, Ricky
didn't even speak to me.

He hasn't been speaking to
you in the morning for weeks.

Well, it was the way he didn't
speak to me this morning.

And Dr. Humphries knows why.

"Chapter three: One
thing to remember

"about the 'Be a Pal'
system in chapter two,

"if you play games
with your husband

be sure not to beat him."

Now he tells me.

"If methods one
and two have failed,

"there is one last
desperate measure.

I suggest that the
wife become a mother."

I suggest he mind
his own business.

Now, let me finish.

"Most men marry a woman

"that reminds them
of their mother.

"This is because most men

"have happy memories

"of their carefree childhood.

So mother your
husband; baby him."

Treat Ricky like a baby?

"And surround him with things

that will remind
him of his boyhood."

I don't think I know

how to fold one of these things.

He doesn't mean that.

Oh.

You know, I
wouldn't be surprised

if your whole trouble is
that Ricky misses Cuba.

Oh, Ethel, that's ridiculous.

No, it isn't.

You should fix this place up

so that it will remind him

of his happy childhood in Cuba.

What do you want me to do,

plant a banana
tree in the kitchen?

You'll have to be
more drastic than that.

This time, you really
got to shock him.

You're right.

This time, he'll notice me

or I'll know the reason why.

Now, what can we do?

Well, what do you know
about his childhood?

Well, not very much.

He had five brothers,
and his mother

was a great singer and dancer.

Perfect!

What do you mean, perfect?

I couldn't remind
him of his mother.

As a dancer, I
got two left feet,

and as a singer, I
sound like a bull moose

pulling his foot out of the mud.

So what? You've got a
record player, haven't you?

Yeah.

Well, we'll buy a record

and I'll play it
here in the kitchen

while you pretend to...

While I pretend to...

That's it.

Aha!

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Hey, amigo...

Señor?

Clem?

( squeals)

( screams)

¿Que paso?

Oh, I beg your pardon.

I must be in the
wrong apartment.

Oh, no, señor.

This is it, your apartment.

Your mama, he will
be here in a momento.

( lively tune playing
on phonograph)

Olé!

( lip-synchs to Carmen
Miranda singing in Spanish)

( Ethel lip-synchs
background chorus)

( record needle sticks,
lyric repeats over and over)

( record speeds up)

( record plays even faster)

( record slows down)

( record slows to
a complete stop)

( heavy Cuban accent): How
are you, my little cucaracha?

How you like the hacienda, eh?

Lucy, have you
gone off your rocker?

Pedro, Pablo, Chucho,
Jojosisi, Jose... la, la!

Your brother is home.

( boys squealing)

RICKY: Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute!

Lucy, what's going on?

We have big fiesta...

Frijoles, taco, enchilada,
tamale, huevos ranchitas,

guacamole and wacko taco.

Big fiesta!

BOYS: Yay!

Big fiesta!

Lucy, please, would you mind
telling me what's going on?

We make everything nice for you

like when you
leetle boy in Cuba.

You like?

No, I dun't.

Oh, you dun't?

Now, look, would you
please explain to me

what is the idea of all this?

Well, I thought you
were getting tired of me

and if our home
reminded you of Cuba,

you might like me better.

Oh, honey.

Oh, Lucy darling.

If I wanted things Cuban,

I'd have stayed in Havana.

That's the reason I married you,

because you're so different

from anyone I've known in Cuba.

Who did you know in Cuba?

Come here.

( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)