I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 17 - Lucy Writes a Play - full transcript

Lucy enters a playwriting competition, hoping to cast Ricky, but has to settle for Fred, and rewrites. But when Ricky learns a movie producer will be judging the plays, he takes over for Fred, not knowing the script's been changed.

( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)

( theme song ending)

( miming)

( miming)

( miming)

Hi, honey.

Hey, did you see
this evening's paper?

Listen to this.

Uh, "The indisputed star

"of a great evening
entertainment,

"the genius of the conga drum



"who, as usual, stopped
the show last night

"with his rendition of 'Babalu.'

Ricky Ricardo."

Couldn't have been
better if I wrote it myself.

How about that?

( miming)

( spits)

Lucy... what are you doing?

I'm writing a play.

You're writing a what?

A play.

And there it is... finished.

125 pages dripping with drama,

dripping with intrigue,
dripping with excitement!



I'd better get the mop.

Never mind.

I wonder if Ethel's
ready with her costume.

( stomping rhythm of
"Shave and a Haircut")

( pounding "Two Bits")

Good.

Oh, I wonder
what she looks like.

Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Shakespeare,

but, um... would
you mind telling me

what this is all about?

Well, you see, all the
women's clubs in town

are having a big
playwriting contest.

I knew it, I knew it.

This had to do

with the Wednesday Afternoon
Fang and Claw Society.

It's the Wednesday
Afternoon Fine Arts League.

Gee, just think,
if our play wins

I might become a
big, famous playwright.

I might become another
Tennessee Ernie.

That's Tennessee Williams.

Oh.

You know, that's a very
interesting name... Tennessee.

I wonder what I
should call myself.

How about "South
Dakota Ricardo"?

No, it's not so good, is it?

Why don't you tell them
you were born in Providence?

Then they can call
you "Rhode Island Red."

Stop.

Incidentally, how do
you happen to be the one

who's writing this play?

How do you think?

You're the only one
that has a typewriter?

No, smarty.

I happen to be very close

to the star who's
going to play the lead.

Oh? Anyone I know?

Well, I-I can't reveal his name.

I'm saving it for publicity.

Uh-huh.

Uh, this, uh... this, uh, star

that is going to play the lead,

his initials aren't "Ricky
Ricardo," are they?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Ha! You flatter yourself.

ETHEL: ♪ Da, da, da, da-da... ♪

( humming "Habanera"
from Carmen)

♪ Da-da, da, da, da. ♪

Could I help you, madam?

That's Ethel.

( yells)

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

How do you like my costume?

It's just wonderful, Ethel.

Who are you supposed to be?

Well, what do you think?

The Bride of Frankenstein?

Well!

She's a Spanish señora.

She suffers in the translation.

Oh...

Are you ready for rehearsal?

Rehearsal?

You mean you finished
the whole play since dinner?

It's only been two
hours. Uh-huh.

Well, that's nothing
for a famous playwright

like "Rhode Island Red."

Huh?

Oh, he means me.

Pay no attention to him.

What did it turn out to be

a comedy, a drama or an epic?

She wasn't sure
when she started.

Oh.

A drama.

Light or heavy?

Well, about medium, I think.

Well, that does it.

Let me know when
rehearsal is over.

Oh, Ricky, wait a minute.

I thought maybe
that you'd help us out

by reading the man's part.

Well, honey, if I'm
not going to be in it,

what good would that do?

Well, uh...

Oh, please, Ricky,
won't you do it for me...

and "Rhode Island Red"?

Well, all right.

If you put it that way, I will.

Good.

What is it all about?

Well, it's a tender,
moving, heart-rending story

of a Cuban tobacco picker

and his love for the
plantation owner's daughter.

Wait a minute.

This play is all about a
Cuban tobacco picker?

Yes, but don't worry...

You're not going to be in it.

Now, you go out in the kitchen

and wait for your entrance cue.

Now, go on. Go on.

All right.

Now, remember, Ethel,

I am a gorgeous,
dark-eyed beauty,

and you're my fat, ugly,
old crone of a mother.

Fat?

Yes.

Well, it'll take
a lot of acting,

but I guess I can do it.

All right.

Now, as the scene opens,

you're sitting outside
your hacienda,

and you're rocking back
and forth on your veranda.

Now, you're seated there.

You're rocking back and forth

and you're singing, and I
come out of my hacienda.

( screeching to the
tune of the "Habanera")

♪ La, la, la,
la-la, la, la, la... ♪

( voice deepens)

How long do I keep singing?

Till I make my entrance.

(screeching): ♪ La,
la, la, la-la, la, la ♪

♪ La-la, la, la,
la-la, la, la, la... ♪

(voice deepens)

¿Como esta, Mamasita?

"My bean, Lukita."

"My bean, Lukita."

That's "Muy bien, Lucita."

Oh.

"Muy bien, Lucita."

Yeah. Mamasita, how you
like me in my new dress?

"You look very pretty, Lucita.

"Your hair is shining,
your eyes are bright

and your nose is
continued on the next page."

You don't read that...
That's the directions.

Well, how can I tell?

It's all run together.

Well, I typed it in a big hurry,

Now, go on... and
read it with an accent.

This is in Spanish.

Oh.

"Why are you all
dressed up, Lucita?"

Because I think I go for a
walk through the mango trees.

"That's nice?"

( nasally): "That's
nice? That's nice?"

What's the matter?

That's not a question!

Well, there's a
question mark here.

There is not.

Look.

Oh. Well, there shouldn't be.

You ought to know that.

How should I ought to know that?

Well, go on, go on.

"That's nice.

Do you go alone?"

Si, I go alone.

"Eh, eh, eh!

I think you go there
to meet your liver."

Lover!

"I think you go there
to meet your lover,

"that worthless,
good-for-nothing tobacco picker.

"How can you even look at him...

You, the plantation
owner's daughter?"

Shush, Mamasita,
here he comes now.

( louder): Shush, Mamasita,

here he comes now.

Ricky, that's your cue!

Oh.

( chewing)

( muffled): Señora y señorita,

buenas noches.

¿Como estan?

What are you doing
with a sandwich?

I didn't write that
into the script.

Well, I got so hungry waiting
for my cue, I ad-libbed it.

Well, swallow and come on.

All right.

Uh... "Buenas noches,
señora y señorita.

¿Como estan?"

¿Como esta, mi amor?

"¿Como esta, you big bum."

Oh, you pay no attention
to Mama, Fernando.

She no feel well.

Now you kneel.

I kneel. All right.

Uh...

"I am sorry to hear you
don't feel well, Mamasita.

Are you having
trouble with your lover?"

Liver!

"Are you having
trouble with your liver?"

"No, I am not, Fernando.

"I am feeling not well

"because you are in
love with my daughter,

"but you have no way

to make money to
support her, do you?"

"No, I dun't."

No, Mama, he "dun't."

Now, wait a minute,
Wait a minute.

Wh-What's the idea of
making fun of me in this play?

Fun of you?

Yeah. Look at the way you
got "don't" spelled: D-U-N-T.

Well, that's a
typographical error.

Yeah?

Yeah, now go on.

All right.

"Someday

I will be "a big man, señora.

I am learning how to
play the conga drum."

Oh, yes, Mama, he make
nice music on the drum.

Lots of noise, Mama, yes.

Mm-hmm.

"Someday I will become famous

"by singing a song called...

'Babalu'"?

LUCY: Uh, it's a
very nice song, Mama.

♪ ¡Babalu! ¡Babalu! ♪

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Who is this Cuban tobacco picker

who plays the conga
drums and sings "Babalu"?

Guess.

Sir Cedric Hardwicke?

No.

John Charles Thomas?

No.

Lassie?

All right, Ricky.

I wrote the whole
thing with you in mind.

No!

Well, I thought
when you read it,

and you found out
what a good part it was,

you'd want to be in it.

Well, Lucy, I
realize that this part

will make Laurence
Olivier hop on the next boat,

but, uh... thanks just the same.

But Ricky, you've got to do it.

Why?

Well, because...

Because that's the only reason

they let Lucy write
the play. ( gasps)

Lucy!

You mean, you were just using me

to further your own
selfish purposes?

For shame!

LUCY: But Ricky...

I am sorry, I am not interested.

Get yourself a new boy.

Good-bye.

Ricky Ricardo,
you'll regret this!

Well, I'm pretty
sure that I will,

but, uh, I'm sorry,
Mrs. Playwright.

Thanks for thinking of me.

I will always treasure

this original carbon copy of
your masterpiece... forever.

Oh...

Oh, Lucy, I'm sorry I had
to open my big, fat mouth.

Well, don't you worry, Ethel.

There's a lot of
actors in this town

that'll jump at the chance,

and I'm going to
call them right now.

Uh-huh?

Yes.

Well, yes, yes, it's an original
play for a woman's club.

Oh, yes, you'll be the star.

How's that?

Oh, no, we can't
pay you anything.

Well, you see, our club...

Hello?

Hello?

Hello!

Oh...

Good morning,
Lucy. How you doing?

Oh, awful.

Actors are certainly peculiar.

They won't work
unless you pay them.

Well, look, Lucy, Hmm?

As long as you haven't
found anyone to play the part,

I know someone who'll do it.

Really? Is he the right type?

Oh, sure.

He's a real Latin lover.

I'll bring him in.

Oh!

Introducing Fernando.

Tah-dah!

( humming "Toreador
Song" from Carmen)

♪ Ya, dya-da, dya, dya,
dya-da, dya-da, da. ♪

( snorts)

Oh, Ethel, why do you
always foist Fred on me?

Foist?

Yes, foist.

You're some Latin lover.

Well, I took Latin
in high school.

Amo, amas, amat,
amamus, amatis, amant.

What's the matter with that?

But this is Spanish.

Do you know how
to speak Spanish?

Bonus nokas, sinura.

There, he sounds
just like Ricky.

Yeah, he sounds like
Ricky speaking English.

Well, maybe he
doesn't look the part,

and maybe he
can't speak Spanish,

but you'll have to admit

there's one thing in his favor.

What?

He's willing to do it.

Oh, what a spot to be in.

You know who's going
to judge these plays?

A big movie producer,
Darryl B. Mayer.

What a chance to be seen.

Yeah, and I'm stuck

with Fat Freddy,
the Latin lover.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Lucy.

Give us a break.

Why, I'll go on a diet.

Well, that isn't the
only thing, Fred.

The important thing
is the way you sound.

Can you speak
any other language?

Say, he can do British.

He can?

( imitating accent):
Well, rather, old thing.

I'll put you through
to my secretary.

Cheerio! Pip-pip!

And all that silly sort of rot.

Hey, that isn't bad.

How about you, Ethel?

(with British accent):
Oh, definitely, darling.

Right-o, old bean.

Good show, Deborah.

Thank you.

Ha-ha! That's wonderful.

How about you, Lucy?

Uh, let's see now.

Uh... afternoon, Mater.

Pater won't be down for tea.

We just buried him.

Had to... dead, you know.

( all laughing)

Oh, this is great!

I'll switch the whole
thing to England.

Right-o?

Right-o!

Right-o! Pip-pip,
cheerio, here we go.

( fanfare playing)

( with British accent):
Well, there you are.

( chuckles)

Good morning, ladies.

Would you pour me a
spot of tea, my dear louse?

Louse?

Oh... "My dear Louise."

Hiya, Fred.

Hi.

I just came down to see if
you want to go to the fights.

You know, Lucy is going
to be in that stupid play.

I can't make it, Rick.

Why not?

Well, I'm going to be
in the stupid play, too.

You are going to...?

( laughing uncontrollably)

( imitating Ricky's laughter)

You mean to tell me

you let them make
a boob out of you?

( laughing)

All right, go ahead and laugh.

Just wait till Darryl B. Mayer
gets a gander at my performance.

Darryl B. Mayer?

Yeah.

What does he want with
a corny contest like that?

He's just going to judge
the whole thing, that's all.

Hollywood, here I come.

( laughing)

Darryl B. Mayer!

Where you get an idea like that?

Well, it's in the
morning paper. Here.

It is?

Take a look at it yourself.

Uh... Fred...

old chum...

old pal...

old buddy...

Yeah?

We've been friends
for a long time.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not going to
let them do this to you.

You're not?

No, sir.

Old chum...

old pal...

Old buddy.

I'm not going to let them
make a boob out of you.

You're not?

No, sir. I'm going to let
them make a boob out of me.

And incidentally, let Mayer
make a star out of you.

Fred, you hurt me when
you say things like that.

You don't realize what a
tremendous sacrifice I'm making.

You know, these-these
women club plays are terrible,

and Lucy's would be
worse than any of them.

Now, if Mayer
sees you in a flop...

(snaps fingers) you're finished.

You know, I hadn't
thought of that.

I guess you're right.

Of course I'm right.

When is the play, tonight? Yeah.

Well, I'd better go upstairs
and rehearse my part, eh?

Well, here, take this.

No, no, I-I have my own script,

but listen, don't say
anything to Lucy, eh?

I want to surprise her, see?

I don't, uh... I don't
want her to think

that I'm trying to
get into her play.

Oh, then you are
trying to get into it.

Now, wait a minute...

All right, Rick...

old pal...

old chum...

old buddy,

I'm not going to let you do it.

Why not?

Because the play
is going to be a flop...

You said so yourself...

And you can't
afford to be in a flop.

Well, Fred, you seem to forget

one little thing that
makes it different.

Oh, what's that?

With me in it, how can
it possibly be a flop?

Yeah, I did forget that.

Adios.

Adios.

( applause)

You have just seen
Mrs. Glazingham's play

entitled Pearl One, Drop Two

or Much Ado about Knitting.

( laughing)

Isn't that a dear title?

( laughing)

Knitting... I-I think...

Oh, well, anyway, um...

( clears throat)

That brings us

to the Wednesday Afternoon
Fine Arts entry in our contest.

It was written by
Mrs. Ricky Ricardo

and is entitled The
Perils of Pamela.

Take it away, Wednesday
Afternoon Fine Arts League.

( applause)

A pip-pip and toodle-oo.

I wonder what could be
keeping my daughter Pamela.

She should have been
here a fortnight ago.

( cowbell rings)

Ah, there's dear old Pam now.

( thumping)

( banging)

Oh... oh, I must have
been jolly well mistaken.

There's obviously no one there.

Ah, here she comes now.

She's coming up the walk.

She must have
had terrible trouble

tethering her 'orse.

( play audience applauding)

Psst!

Oh, daughter!

How you startled me!

Afternoon, Mater.

Afternoon, daughter.

Well, I don't mind telling
you, Mater, I've 'ad it.

Why, whatever do
you mean, Pamela?

All morning long I
was riding the hounds

and frankly, I'm pooped.

Tired from riding the 'ounds?

Yes, and I do believe

that tomorrow I'll try
riding one of the 'orses.

Pamela, what you
need is a spot of tea.

Right-o, Mater.

That's it, a spot of tea.

Thank you very much.

There you are.

Thank you.

May I have some sugar?

Thank you.

May I have some milk?

Thank you.

May I have a needle and thread?

Whatever for?

I have a nasty
tear in my tea bag.

Pamela...

I've been wanting
to talk to you.

What's the mater, Matter?

Uh, what's the matter, Mater?

It's about this Reggie
you've been going with.

Oh!

Not another word, Mater.

I love the lad.

That's all that matters, Mater.

Well, we'll take this
up with Pater later.

Mater!

Now, Pamela.

Oh, here comes Reggie now.

Buenas noches,
señora y señorita.

¿Como estan?

LUCY: Ricky!

Uh, uh...

R-R-Reggie!

What happened?

Uh...

Oh, I know, Mater.

You do?

Yes, Reggie's all dressed up

for the king's birthday ball.

( chuckling): Oh-ho-ho!

Good show!

Yes, good show.

MAN IN AUDIENCE:
I think it stinks.

Uh... uh, Reggie,
what you need is

a spot of tea and a crumpet.

Si, Mamasita.

Si, Mamasita.

I'm sorry you're
not feeling well.

Are you having
trouble with your liver?

Um...

What now?

There will be a
short intermission.

( mouthing words)

I don't know. What's happen...?

Ricky, what's the
matter with you?

I never was so
humiliated in my life.

What are you trying to
do, ruin my whole play?

Yeah, what are you trying to do?

No, no, honest, I
was trying to be good.

I just wanted to surprise
you. What happened?

"What happened?" You're
doing the wrong script.

We switched to British.

This is the one we're doing.

Oh, well, what
are we going to do?

Well, we'll just have to change

so that we're all
doing the same thing.

Oh, all right, all right.

Oh, Lucy...

What's happened?

What shall I tell the audience?

Well, tell them that we're
going to change costumes

and we're going back to the original
version, A Tree Grows in Havana.

Oh, I hope I don't get
my "cheerios" mixed up

with my "como estas."

You won't. Come on.

Oh, what shall we do?

Well, entertain
them, Miss Mitchell.

Entertain them.

Me?!

Sure, go ahead.

Oh, all right.

I just happened to bring a poem.

"By the shores of Gitche Gumee,

"By the shining big-sea-water

"Stood the wigwam of Nokomis.

"Daughter of the moon, Nokomis.

"Dark behind it rose the forest

"Rose the black and
gloomy pine trees,

"Rose the firs with
cones upon them,

Rose the..."

We will continue with A
Tree Grows in Havana.

♪ La, la, la, la-la, la, la ♪

(voice deepens):
♪ La-la, la, la... ♪

¿Como esta, Mamasita?

Muy bien, Lucita.

How you like my dress, Mamasita?

It is very pretty, but why
are you all dressed up for?

Because I go for a walk
through the mango trees.

Do you go alone?

Si, I go alone.

Eh, eh, eh!

I think you go there to
meet your lover, Fernando,

that good-for-nothing,
worthless tobacco picker.

Shush, Mamasita,
here he comes now.

Chip-chip, heerio,
and all that sort of thing.

Anyone for tennis?

Oh, no.

Oh!

What happened?

Oh...

( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: The part of the club
woman was played by Myra Marsh.

The part of the stage manager
was played by Maury Thompson.

I Love Lucy is a
Desilu production.