I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 16 - Lucy Fakes Illness - full transcript

Lucy is so frustrated that Ricky won't let her go into show business, she fakes being mentally ill. When Ricky finds out, he hires an actor to play a doctor and tell her she's really very sick and needs an operation.

( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)

( theme song ending)

Ricky!

Ricky!

Ricky!

LUCY: He isn't home yet.

( whines:) Oh!

And what is this, Ethel?

It's the third time today

you've been up
here asking for Ricky.

Well, Fred and I want to talk
to him about his ad in Variety.



Ethel... Ad in Variety? Uh-huh.

See you later,
Lucy. We got to go.

Ethel, what is it?

Come on, Ethel. Ethel, tell me.

Come on! Ethel!

Wait a minute!

One of you let go

or I'm going to have
a split personality.

All right, Ethel, let's have it.

Well? Well, as long as
you've opened your big bazoo,

you might as well tell
her the whole thing.

All right.

You see, it's this way.

We saw Ricky's ad in Variety.



Ricky's ad? What's it for?

He's looking for new acts
for his show down at the club.

I didn't see that.

Where's our Variety?

Here it is.

It's inside the
back page, I think.

Oh. ( gasps)

How do you like that?

He cut it out.

He told me there was

a recipe in here
he wanted to save.

He's a slick one all right.

He'd do anything to keep you
from going in show business.

Yeah, well, what kind of
acts does Tricky Ricky need?

Well, he needs a dance team.

That's where Fred and I come in.

Yeah, anywhere where I come in?

Well, he needs a good dog act.

Well, thanks a lot.

Fred Mertz!

And the ad said he needed
a beautiful showgirl, too.

That's me! Sure.

Hey, looks like there's a spot

for all of us in his show. Yeah.

And this time, we're
not going to let him

talk us out of it... No.

Not for one minute.

Hi, everybody.

( all humming tunes)

( humming stops)

What's going on here?

We're answering
your recipe in Variety.

Oh, so that's it, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, that's it. ( Lucy humming)

Give us a chance

to show you our
routine, will you, Rick?

Come on, you
might... you might like it

if you give us a
chance to show it to you.

( all clamoring)

LUCY: Ricky!

( clamoring continues)

Thanks for coming down, folks.

And don't call
us, we'll call you.

( knocking/doorbell buzzing)

LUCY: Ricky, you open this door!

I'm sorry, but the casting
office is closed for the day.

( buzzing/pounding continues)
Ricky, right now, you open this door!

Who wants to come in...

Two dancers and a showgirl
or the Mertzes and my wife?

( buzzing/pounding stops)

Well, you'd better
make up your mind.

Who is going to be?

( all humming tunes)

Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it!

FRED: What?

Now, wait a minute.

Now, Ricky, before you say
no, take a good look at us.

Look at the Mertzes;
they're wonderful dancers.

The least you could do
is give them an audition.

♪ Tah-dah! ♪

All right, all right, they can
come down and audition

but you're not going to
get any more consideration

than anyone else.

Oh, fine, Ricky. Good enough.

All right. Now that
that's all settled,

how about a little
game of cards, eh?

Well, Ricky, what about me?

Oh, you can play, too.

No, no, I mean you're giving
Fred and Ethel their chance.

Haven't you got a
place for me in the show?

Why, sure, honey. I
got just the place for you.

Where? Out front,
in the audience.

Oh, you.

Ricky, I think
you're being mean.

If you keep Lucy from
doing what she wants to do,

she'll develop some
sort of a complex.

Yeah!

She might become depressed.

Yeah.

She might even
go off her trolley.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Thank you, Dr. Mertz.

Now, what is it going to
be... bridge or canasta?

Oh, Ricky, you make me so mad.

Now, we're going to
have this out right now.

You're never going to let
me be in your show, are you?

Never! Never! Never!

Now, honey, don't be so upset.

Who knows?

Maybe someday in
the far, distant future,

you may get your chance.

Where?

In that big nightclub up yonder?

I can see it now...

Ricky Ricardo and
his Heavenly Revue

starring Lucy and
her magic harp.

( harp plays arpeggio)

Good morning, Lucy.

Hi.

Pour yourself a cup of coffee.

Thanks. I will.

Why don't you sit down?

Don't mind if I do.

Help yourself to a cookie.

No, thanks, I'm not hungry.

What are you reading?

Listen, do you remember
last night when you told Ricky

that if I didn't get
into show business,

I might develop some
sort of a complex?

Yeah. Well, you were right.

Yeah? I got this
book at the library

and it says anybody who
is constantly frustrated

may do all sorts of things.

So?

So, look.

Abnormal Psychology.

Yeah, I'm learning
to act abnormal.

For this, you need a book?

I thought you were on my side.

I am, but I was just
making all that stuff up

as I went along last night.

I don't really know
anything about it.

Oh, yes, you do. Listen to this.

"A person who is kept

"from attaining his
innermost desires

"may manifest this frustration

"in the following ways:

"One, he may assume
the characteristics

of the person he is
kept from becoming."

Now, you know Ricky's kept me
from becoming a famous actress.

Uh-huh.

"Two, he may develop amnesia."

Uh-huh.

"Three, he may
withdraw from reality

and become childlike again."

Gee, what a keen
bunch of complexes.

Which one of them

are you going to have?

Which one? I'm going
to have all three of them.

All three of them?

Certainly.

Well, this, I got to see.

Lucy!

I'm home!

( with husky voice:)
Hello, darling.

Hello.

How'd things go at
rehearsal, darling?

Fine.

How'd things go here at home?

Oh, frightful, darling.

The phone woke me
at the crack of noon.

Noel called.

We chatted till
1:00, I bathed till 2:00

turned down scripts until 3:00.

Then Noel darling sent
me the most darling present.

Oh, yes, it was
a darling Cadillac.

You should really see
it, darling, it's darling.

What is this?

What's what, darling?

Why don't you cut it
out and be yourself, huh?

I'd be happy to be myself if
I could remember who I am.

Who am I?

Who are you?

Well, don't you
know either, buster?

Buster?

What kind of a gag is this?

Now, Lucy, what
are you trying to do?

( with Southern drawl:)
Lucy... is that my name?

Well, it was when I
left here this morning.

Oh, do you live here, too?

I have for the past five years.

Oh, we'd better get married.

We are married.

Ha!

You say that, but how
do I know that it's true?

Honey, what are
you talking about?

You stay away from me, fresh.

Fresh?

I was told never to
talk to strange men.

My mother told me...

whoever she is.

Honey, are you sure you're well?

No, I'm not.

Could it possibly be

that you're suffering
from magnesia?

Amnesia!

Oh, who am I?

What am I?

Where am I?

Oh, honey... Look,
honey. Look around you.

Doesn't this place
look familiar to you?

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Oh!

No.

No, I never saw this
place before in my life.

Oh, honey, now,
come on, try to think.

Honey, look...

Oh, oh, honey, come here.

Where? Look. Look there. Look.

Do you remember this
picture? I gave it to you.

Oh, she's pretty.

Who is she?

Honey, I think
you're really sick.

May-May-Maybe you'd
better go and lie down, huh?

All right, I'll go lie down.

Yeah.

Tha-That's not
the bedroom, dear.

Oh.

That's not, either.

Oh.

No, honey, over...

Honey, over here. That's
where the bedroom is.

Right here, honey. Oh.

Now, you take it
easy, honey. Oh.

You have a very lovely
apartment here, mister.

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

Hello.

Hello, is Dr. Stevenson in?

Oh.

Well, look, please-please
tell him to call me

as soon as he gets in.

Oh, this is Ricky Ricardo.

Yes.

It's about my wife.

She's acting peculiar.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Well, this time it's even worse.

What?

Oh, I see.

I should humor her
until-until the doctor calls me.

All right, all right,
I'll humor her.

Yes.

Bye.

( childlike voice:) Hi!

Hi!

( tricycle bell ringing)

You want to play
with me, little boy?

Will you? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Yeah, sure, sure,
I'll play with you.

Take a lick of my sucker.

Go on.

Take a big lick.

Go on.

That's enough.

( squealing gleefully)

You want to play
games, little boy?

Sure, yeah, I'll play
a game with you.

Okay, I'll be the leader.
You stay where you are.

You want to play "May I?"

Yeah, whatever you say.

Okay, you stay right
there, now. All right.

Don't you go away. I won't, no

Okay, you take two giant steps.

All right.

May I?

No!

I want you to
take me for a ride.

All right.

On my tricycle.

Now, wait a minute...

On my tricycle! On my tricycle!

( groans loudly)

All right.

All right.

All right, on the tricycle.

All right. I'll take you.

I'll take you. On the tricycle.

All right.

On the tricycle, I'll
take you for a ride.

Whee! Whee! Ring the bell!

Ring the bell! Ring the bell!

Toot the horn! Toot the horn!

Toot the horn! All right!

No eyes! No eyes! Toot
the horn! Toot the horn!

( blathering) All
right! All right!

( grunting)

( wailing)

You pushed me!

( crying continues)

( fanfare playing)

( clucking tongue)

Hi, Rick.

Hello, Fred.

How's Lucy? Does she
still think she's a child?

Yeah.

She's in the bedroom with Ethel.

They're playing jacks.

Ricky, I got to tell
you something.

Not now, Fred. Not
now; later, please.

Lucy is faking.

Look, Fred, we'll
talk about it later.

The most important thing
right now is her heal...

What do you mean, she's faking?

I was downstairs in the basement

listening through
the furnace pipe,

and I heard everything
that Lucy and Ethel said.

Well, why didn't
you tell me before?

It took me an hour to get
my head out of the pipe.

Why, that little monkey.

She'll do anything to
get in the act, won't she?

Looks like.

Oh, brother, I got
a wonderful idea.

I'm going to teach her a
lesson she will never forget.

Are you phoning the doctor?

No.

( chuckles)

I'm phoning an actor
friend of mine, Hal March.

( phone rings)

Hello.

RICKY: Hello, Hal?

Who's this, Ricky?

Yeah, this is Ricky.

Listen, Hal, I got a job for
you... the part of a doctor.

Good. What's the show?

Well, the show is called,
uh... "Getting Even with Lucy,"

and it all takes place
right here in my apartment.

What?

Yes, here's the way it goes.

Lucy's been pretending
that she's sick

so that I'd feel sorry for her

and give her a part
in my new show.

So I want you to come over here

and pretend that
you're a doctor, see?

And while you're
giving her a checkup,

you will discover that she
has a very unusual condition.

Uh... some rare
tropical disease.

( chuckling)

Like what?

I don't know.

Make it up.

( laughing)

Be tough to keep
a straight face.

It's an awful
dirty trick, Ricky.

Yeah, I know.

Like they say in Mexico,

"Mi amigo, alla va el zorrillo."

What's that mean?

I'm a real stinker.

What comes after twosies?

Threesies.

Oh, yeah.

( laughs)

I'd forgotten how
much fun this was.

( chuckles)

( knocking at door) Yes?

RICKY: May I come in?

Oh, yes.

How do you feel, little girl?

Oh, she's not at all well.

She has a terrible fever.

I feel fine, mister.

I'm playing jacks.

Oh, Ethel, it's all my fault.

I wish she would snap out of it.

You know, I just decided
to star her in the club.

Ricky, that's wonderful.

Wow, what do you know?!
She got her memory back.

Oh, yes, I know who I am.

I'm Lucy, and you're Ricky.

Ethel!

Welcome home, honey.

Well, when do
we start rehearsal?

Now, wait a minute, honey.

Wait a minute.

You know, you've been very sick.

So I asked a
doctor to come over.

A doctor?

Yes. You can't take a hard job

like that without a checkup.

But I feel fine.

Oh, no, no, no, never mind that.

But I feel fine.

Doctor!

Come in, Doctor.

This is my wife Lucy, doctor.

How do you do, Mrs. Ricardo?

I feel fine.

Yeah. Well, would you
remove this, please? Yeah.

I-I won't need that.

Excuse me.

( clearing throat)

( humming)

Well, now...

Oh... oh...

I'm glad you called
me in, Mr. Ricardo.

Pretty bad, huh? Oh, yes.

Now, if you'll just open
your mouth, Mrs. Ricardo

and stick out your tongue.

Say, "Ah." Ah.

Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

What is it, Doctor?

I don't know yet.

Is it very bad, Doctor?

We'll have to see.

Well, I feel fine.

Yeah, well, I'm...

Please, please, Mrs.
Ricardo, don't talk.

You may need all your strength.

Just hold that right there.

Now, if you'll just turn around

and give me a little
cough, Mrs. Ricardo.

A little cough?

( coughs)

Louder.

( coughs)

Louder.

( coughing repeatedly)

Now, Mrs. Ricardo

if you'll just give
me one good cough.

( coughs loudly)

Hmm, just as I feared.

Oh...

Well, what is it?

You can tell me; I can take it.

Frankly, Mrs. Ricardo,

you've contracted a
terrible, terrible attack

of the go-bloots.

Go-bloots?

Doctor, what kind
of a disease is that?

Well, we doctors don't
know too much about it,

but there's a terrible
epidemic of it lately.

It seems... it seems it
came into the country

on the hind legs
of the booshoo bird.

I got the go-bloots
from a booshoo bird?

Ew...

Tell me, Doctor, is
it very, very serious?

Well, Mr. Ricardo,

I may as well be
honest with you.

If it gets worse, we
may have to operate.

Operate?

Yes, we'll have to go in
and take out your zorch.

My zorch?!

There's nothing
wrong with my zorch.

Now, now, don't be
alarmed, Mrs. Ricardo.

Some people go on for
years without a zorch.

Well, is the operation painful?

No, no, we anesthetize
thoroughly for a zorchectomy.

Well, tell me, doctor, uh...

would you be forced to
remove the entire zorch?

Well, Mr. Ricardo, we may
be very fortunate and save half

and as I always say,

half a zorch is
better than none.

( others laughing)

Of course, even if
I'm able to save half,

you'll never be able
to... trummel again.

I won't?

Oh...

What's trummeling?

Well, it's an involuntary
internal process.

Oh.

Doctor, is there anything
we can do for her?

All we can do is just wait.

She should reach
the crisis very soon.

Just wait and hope that
she doesn't turn green.

Green!

Yes, yes, green.

That's the danger sign.

Well, what happens then?

If you turn green,
a half hour later...

( snaps fingers) ...gone.

Gone?

Gone.

( wailing)

Deal me out, boys.

How's the patient?

Did the patient got
rid of the go-bloots?

I'm afraid not, Fred.

She just turned green.

Now, don't be silly.

There's no such
thing as go-bloots.

Thanks. ( chuckling)

I know, I know...

but there's such a thing
as a green light bulb.

You didn't...

Yes, I did.

Oh, you rascal, you.

( laughing)

I sneaked in there
when she was asleep

and I put a green light
bulb in the lamp by her bed.

Well, how did you keep
Ethel from finding out?

I sent Florence Nightingale

to the drugstore
for some aspirin.

Oh, good.

Now, listen, when
she comes back,

you'd better get her to bed.

Why?

Well, she told me
that she's starting

to feel some pains
in her zorch, too.

Oh, no, no.

LUCY: Ricky! Ricky!

Come on, the fun is
about to begin. Ricky!

Ricky! I'm coming! I'm coming!

Ricky... What's
the matter, honey?

My hands, they're green.

Why, they are.

Your face is green, too.

Oh, no! Give me the
mirror, give me the mirror.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, my face!

And my hair!

Oh... Ricky... Oh!

Oh!

You got the go-bloots, too.

What are you talking about?

You're both green.

We are?

No, Fred.

She doesn't know
what she's saying.

Fred, do I look green to you?

No.

You don't look
green to me, either.

Oh, no.

I'm looking at the world
through green-colored eyeballs.

ETHEL: Lucy, here's your pill.

Take one of these, and you'll...

( screeches)

You're green.

I've been sick.

Oh... you poor
little green thing.

Oh, this is it, Ricky.

This is it, I'm going.

Good-bye, Ethel.

Good-bye.

Good-bye, Fred.

So long, chum.

Good-bye, Ricky.

Now, wait a minute, honey.

Don't go yet.

Why not?

Well, I asked some of the boys
in the band to come over here

and play a farewell
dirge for you.

What'd he say?

Some of the boys in
the band came over

to play a farewell dirge.

Oh.

Well, I'll try to hang on.

I wouldn't want them to
have made the trip for nothing.

Good girl, good girl.

All right, fellas!

Fellas!

Come in.

All right, fellows.

Now, please, this is the last
music that she will ever hear.

So make it sweet.

( strumming quiet intro)

( playing loud version of "I'll
Be Glad when You're Dead...")

♪ ♪

What kind of music was that?

Yeah, watch it, will
you, fellas? I'm dying.

Lucy, I have something
to tell you, honey.

What?

There's no such
thing as the go-bloots.

How can you look me in
my green eye and say that?

Well, honey, you're
not green either.

Show her, Fred.

All right.

A green light bulb?

( chuckling): Yeah.

Then you mean I'm
not really sick at all?

No, honey, you're
perfectly well.

You were just pretending
all the time, you big bum.

Now, wait a minute.

Remember, you
pretended first, you know.

This makes us igual Pascual.

What does that mean?

That's "even Steven" in Spanish.

( laughing)

Come here.

I guess you're right, honey.

Mmm...

( Lucy titters)

( laughing)

Well, when do we
start rehearsing?

Rehearsing?

You said I could be
the star of the show.

Now, wait a minute,
honey. I only said...

Ricky, you promised me.

You said I could be
the star of the show.

I didn't force you
to say it, you know.

Now, Ricky, you made
me a promise and...

What's the matter?

Ricky?

Ricky, what's the matter?

Ricky!

Who am I?

What am I?

Where am I?

Oh, I give up, I give up.

You win.

( both laughing)

( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: I Love
Lucy is a Desilu production.