I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 15 - Lucy Plays Cupid - full transcript
Lucy's neighbor wants her to deliver an invitation to the grocer for a date. When she does, the grocer thinks the note is from Lucy rather than the neighbor. The grocer is delighted to think he will have dinner with Lucy.
( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)
( theme song ending)
( knock at door)
Come in!
Good morning, Mrs. Ricardo.
Good morning,
Miss Lewis. Come in.
Oh, thank you.
How's everything
down in your apartment?
Oh, fine, fine.
Help yourself to
a cup of coffee.
Oh, I'd like some.
It's chilly out.
Yes, it is.
( juicer whirring noisily)
Mrs. Ricardo.
Mrs. Ricardo...
( loudly): Mrs.
Ricardo, could I speak...
Oh.
Could I speak to
you for a minute?
Oh, surely, what's on your mind?
Well, I, um...
I wanted to ask you a big favor.
It's about a, hmm...
m-a-n.
M-a-n?
Oh, a man.
Ooh, shh!
Well, is it any special m-a-n?
It's Mister, um...
Ritter.
Mr. Ritter, the grocery man?
Oh, why, Miss Lewis, I
believe you're blushing.
I know, I know.
Oh, oh, Mrs. Ricardo,
I don't mind telling you
that as far as I'm concerned,
Mr. Ritter is the bee's knees.
( laughing)
What's the matter?
Oh, nothing.
It's just that I
never expected you
to think things like that.
Ooh, ooh, I do!
Well, you know the old saying,
"Just because there's
snow on the roof
doesn't mean there's
no fire in the furnace."
Well, well, well, here this
big romance is going on
between you and Mr. Ritter
and I never knew about it.
There's somebody else
that doesn't know about it.
Who?
Mr. Ritter.
Mr. Ritter?
To Mr. Ritter, I'm
just a box of groceries
twice a week.
Oh... well, why don't you
do something about it?
I'm going to, I'm going to.
I want to invite him
to a little intimate supper
for two in my apartment.
Oh.
Oh, but I need your help.
Oh, what do you want
me to do, hold him for you?
Oh, no, no, no!
I want you to give him this.
It's... oh, it's a little dirty.
I've been carrying it
around for five years.
Five years?
I've been carrying the
blowtorch for Mr. Ritter
for five years.
Well, I'd better give
this to him today.
Is breakfast ready?
Oh, hello, Mrs. Lewis.
Good morning, Mr. Ricardo.
Good morning.
Oh, well...
I guess I'll be running along.
Toodle-oo!
Good-bye, dear.
Toodle-oo.
What's on Grandma Lewis's mind?
Listen, don't let
Grandma Lewis fool you.
Yes, sir.
You never know what's
in a box by the wrapper.
Well, really, I didn't
even look at her wrapper.
I didn't mean that.
It's just an expression.
It means just because
there isn't any fire on her roof,
that there is no
snow in her furnace.
What?
Sounded better when she said it.
Yeah.
Honestly, Ricky,
it's the cutest thing.
Miss Lewis has a
crush on Mr. Ritter.
Mr. Ritter? Yeah.
The grocery man? Yeah.
And she is so bashful
that she doesn't want
to ask him up to supper,
so I'm going to give
him the invitation for her.
Uh-huh. Give it to me, nosy.
Nosy? What are
you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about.
How many times have I told you
not to get involved in
other people's lives?
But I'm just trying to
help a sweet old lady.
They might even get married,
and then they'll thank me.
Yeah, she'll thank
you; he'll sue you.
Well, is that the way
you feel about marriage?
Oh, honey, of course not.
I think marriage is wonderful.
Why, I think marriage is
the greatest thing there is
in the whole world.
It's the only way to live.
But if the guy has been clever
enough to escape it this long,
why louse him up now?
What?
Honey, I didn't mean...
I suppose you
weren't clever enough.
Well... Well, honey,
now... I mean, uh...
Well, I could have
been clever enough,
but you were so cute,
I decided to play dumb.
Well, all right,
then, it's all settled.
I'll give this
invitation to Mr. Ritter.
It's all settled; you'll
do nothing of the kind.
What do you mean?
Are you going to give
that invitation back
to Mrs. Lewis or not?
No!
Lucy, if you're going
to act like a child,
I'm going to have
to treat you like one.
Meaning what?
Meaning I'll put
you over my knees...
You wouldn't dare!
Oh, I wouldn't?
No, you wouldn't!
Ricky, Ricky! Come here.
Ricky, Ricky, Ricky!
Are you going to do what I say?
Oh, yes!
All right.
Oh, Ricky!
( humming)
( knocking at door)
Oh, come in.
Oh, Mrs. Ricardo!
Hello, Miss Lewis.
I was just ironing the dress
I'm going to wear tonight.
Yeah, well, that's what I
came down to talk to you about.
This isn't really the one
that I wanted to wear at all.
I wanted to wear my good one,
but it's in my hope chest,
and the lock is rusted shut.
Oh. Well, it really won't make
any difference because I'm...
Oh, of course it doesn't.
Sit down, dear.
No, I don't think
I care to sit down.
Well, let me show you, here.
Now, look, I thought that
we'd eat by candlelight,
because they say it
makes you look younger.
Oh, yes, that's right.
Maybe I'll look like a
girl of 50 again, huh?
Oh, easily.
Oh, you're sweet,
you're awfully sweet.
Look.
Elderberry wine...
I made it myself.
It's been fermenting
since I was 21 years old.
Twenty-one?
Must have quite a tang by now.
I thought Mr. Ritter
and I could have
a couple of belts before dinner.
Well, I don't think
you're going to get
much chance to
serve it, Miss Lewis.
You see, I had a long
talk with my husband...
( gasps) He made me...
Oh, husband!
That's the most beautiful
word in the English language.
( knocking at door)
MAN: Miss Lewis!
Don't forget... the invitation!
Miss Lewis, I wanted
to talk to you about that...
Miss Lew...
Pretty late today,
and I'm awful sorry,
but I want to tell
you something.
The traffic has been
something awful.
Oh, Mrs. Ricardo, howdy, howdy!
Awful cold out...
It's awful cold, really.
How are you?
Fine.
How are you?
Me, I can't kick... rheumatism.
Get it?
Oh. I don't know
how I think of them.
Just like that, you
know, comical.
Where is, uh,
where is Miss Lewis?
Well, she ought to
be back in a minute.
Well, she can, uh...
She can pay me for these
when I come the next time.
Okay.
Mr. Ritter?
Huh?
Come here.
I have a secret to tell you.
Uh...
Someone around
here is very fond of you.
No!
Yes, a certain someone thinks
that you're the bee's knees.
Well, hot diggity!
You want to know
something, Mrs. Ricardo?
What?
I like you, too.
What?
You're just my type, Red.
Oh, no, no, you
don't understand.
Here, read this.
This will explain.
"Can you make it for dinner
tonight, just the two of us?"
Uh-oh.
"Will be waiting for
you in my apartment."
Can I make it?
Say, speed's my
middle name, Lucy.
Oh, now, now, stay away!
I didn't write that
note. Miss Lewis did.
Miss Lewis? Aw,
who are you joshing?
No, really, look
at the signature.
It says... "Your secret lover."
Secret lover? Yeah.
You don't have to keep
anything secret from me, lover.
No! Miss Lewis! Miss Lewis!
Now, listen, you're
not fooling anybody.
She's not here,
you said so yourself.
Don't try to fight this, Lucy.
It's bigger than both of us.
It is not!
Miss Lewis, Miss
Lewis, where are you?
Miss Lewis!
See, alone. I tell
you it's fate, really.
But she was here, honest.
Sure, she was, sure.
You know you're even cuter
when you get shy like this.
Mr. Ritter!
Don't worry about anything...
Your apartment,
dinner, tonight, sure.
I'm afraid I can't make
it till about half past 7:00.
Mr. Ritter!
Oh, honey, I got to keep the
store open till 7:00, honest.
Mr. Ritter!
( doorbell buzzing)
Oh, oh, Miss Lewis,
where have you been?
I've been calling you for hours.
Oh, Mrs. Ricardo, I just
lost control of myself.
When I found out
that Mr. Ritter thought
you were inviting him to dinner,
I got hysterical
and started running.
Ran eight laps around the park.
Passed lots of horses.
Oh...
I'm pooped.
Well, you certainly
got me in a fine mess.
Your secret lover is coming
here for dinner at 7:30,
and my husband is due
home at the same time.
Oh... well, why
don't you call him
and tell him your
husband's going to be here?
I did... he was delighted.
He wants to tell Ricky
that we love each other
and that he should start
getting a divorce right away.
Oh... oh, I wish there
was some way I could help.
There is.
What?
You stay on those stairs tonight
and don't let Mr. Ritter
get into this apartment.
You get him into your apartment.
How?
I don't know how you're
going to do it, but you do it.
Mrs. Ricardo?
What?
Would you teach me how
to attract the opposite...
sex?
Well, all right.
Stand up, let's
have a look at you.
( groans)
Well...
um, let's see you
walk back and forth
and swing your hips.
Swing my hips?
Yes.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
All that will get you
is a Boy Scout that'll
help you across the street.
Look, now, watch me.
You just shift them gently.
Shift, shift, shift
shift, shift...
Shift them?
That's easy for you.
I've got a rusty transmission.
( sighs)
I'm sorry.
Maybe we could try
a "come hither" look.
Yeah.
Miss Lewis, what's the matter?
Are you all right?
What's the matter?
There's nothing the matter.
That's my "come hither" look.
Oh.
Oh, no, dear, try
something like this.
Oh, dear.
( phone rings)
Oh, excuse me.
Hello.
Yes, dear?
It's Ricky.
Honey, I won't be
home tonight for dinner.
LUCY: Oh?
No, I, uh, I have
to stay in town.
Jerry and I are going
to talk some business.
Oh, well, all right, dear.
Don't be too lonesome.
Oh, no, no, I won't.
Good-bye.
Ricky isn't coming
home to dinner.
You know, I just think
I might keep that date
with Mr. Ritter tonight.
That's not fair.
He's mine.
Oh, you don't understand, dear.
I'm going to get him up here
and disappoint him so completely
that he wouldn't have
me on a silver platter.
Then the road will be
nice and clear for you.
Oh, oh, fine, fine.
Let's see now, how can
I disappoint Mr. Ritter?
What do you know about him?
Well, we had a long conversation
once over the pickle barrel.
That sort of raised my hopes.
Um...
he can't stand children.
And-and he likes
a tidy appearance,
and he demands
immaculate housekeeping.
He likes good cooking...
Hold it, hold it.
I think I can change
Mr. Ritter's heartthrob
to heartburn in one sitting.
( fanfare playing)
( doorbell buzzing)
Well, Mr. Ritter!
How are you tonight?
You ask that at
a time like this?
Oh, for me?
Uh-huh, the whole bag.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, gumdrops!
Thank you.
Can I take your coat off?
Please.
There we are.
Hat?
Oh.
Just a minute.
What's that?
Oh!
Well, sit down;
dinner's almost ready.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm very anxious for you
to sample my cooking.
So am I.
Oh! Oh! Pardon me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
There we are.
Well, I hope you
like tomato juice.
Oh, I do, I like it very much.
Yeah, this, huh? Yeah.
This is our special every
Thursday down at my store.
Oh, is that so?
Yeah, yes.
Well, the same brand
it is, yes, sure, yes.
Is that so?
Well, here's...
uh, what is it now?
Here's mud in your eye. Oh!
Of course, it ain't mud;
it's really tomato juice.
Yeah. You know, I put the
tiniest dash of Tabasco in this.
Inside?
Yeah.
Yes, it helps, you know,
everything, you know...
Just right, huh?
Oh, fine...
( gasps)
( coughing)
Want some more?
No, something to chew
on, like a piece of bread.
Oh, I have some
nice, fluffy biscuits.
Oh, I'm crazy about...
Hurry, will you, hurry!
Oh!
Well, a little dirt
never hurt anybody.
No, really, I... I don't
think I care for biscuits.
Oh, no?
No.
Well, I hope you like soup.
That's what's coming up next.
Soup, yes. Soothing soup.
Yeah, hot.
There you are.
Mmm...
( cans clank)
Mine's too hot.
It's always too hot for me.
( slurping)
( continues slurping)
Want some more?
I'm not really much
of a soup eater.
You're not? No.
Why not?
A throat condition.
Oh. Yeah.
You know, you have
a very finicky appetite.
No, I'm pretty rugged
as a rule, pretty rugged.
You like roast turkey
with sage dressing?
I love it, yes... Dark
meat, you know.
Nice and juicy, huh?
Well, we're not
having that tonight.
How about pot roast and...
Oh, with the pancake, huh?
Potato pancakes, apple sauce.
Oh, my. I had a banquet once...
We're not having
that tonight either.
We're having steak.
Steak? Yeah.
Oh, steak. Yeah.
Oh, haven't had it for months.
We have them down at my
store, but I can't afford to buy them.
Well, here we are,
nice, sizzling steak.
Hang on to this, will you?
Oh, I don't think...
Oh, go ahead, I won't hurt you.
Come on, hang on.
Attaboy.
There we are.
Oop!
Sorry, I lose more
friends that way.
Well, here we are.
( sneezes)
Gesundheit.
Lucy?
Yeah? You know something?
What?
I'm not hungry.
You're not?
I'm not hungry.
You don't like my cooking. No...
You're disappointed in me.
You're going away and
you're never coming back.
I am not!
Lucy, I'll never
leave you, never.
You won't?
What's food compared to
the fundamental principles?
We love each other;
that's all that counts.
Now, I'm going to do all the
cooking until you learn how.
The important thing is...
Quiet, you're
waking the children.
Don't stop me. The
important thing is...
The what?
The children.
You haven't any children.
Oh, yes, I have.
You never told me.
I've never seen one...
I keep them hidden.
They don't like kids in
this apartment house.
You mean to tell me
that you're the mother
of these lollipop-eating,
sticky-fingered,
candy-stealing...
That's right, and if you're
not going to eat your dinner,
I'm going to have
to give it to the kids.
I can't eat that.
All right, children,
come and get it!
Come and get it!
Oh, oh, oh, Mr. Ricardo?
Yes, Miss Lewis?
Mr. Ricardo, could I
see you for a minute?
Why, sure, Miss Lewis.
Yes, yes, it's, um...
Oh, it's a nice
evening, isn't it?
Yes, lovely, if you
like it below zero.
Oh, below zero.
Well, um...
uh... is...
Well, Miss Lewis, if there's
nothing else on your mind,
I'm anxious to get upstairs.
Oh...
Miss Lewis, are you
having an attack?
Razz-a-matazz.
Razz-a... razz-a-matazz...
I'll see you later.
No, no, no!
You can't go up there
until Mr. Ritter leaves.
What?!
Did Lucy give
him that invitation?
Oh...
Yes, poor dear, and he
thought it was from her,
and now he wants to marry her.
He wants to...
She's... she's...
she's upstairs now
trying to discourage him.
She is?
Oh, this is great,
this is wonderful.
I'll see you later, good-bye.
Oh, Mr. Ricardo...
Yes, yes, dear?
You're the first man
I ever flirted with,
and you want to know something?
What?
I like it.
Well, I think you're very cute.
I'll see you later.
( Ricky laughing)
Twenty-two...
twenty-three...
twenty-four...
Twenty-four and-a-half.
Oh, you know, Lucy, that's
an awful lot of children.
Six of them are missing.
Missing?
Yeah. Well, now you know.
Go ahead and leave me.
I wouldn't blame you.
Lucy, you know that I hate kids.
Yeah?
I can't stand bad
housekeeping... Yeah.
And sloppy food. Yeah.
But when a guy has
got a chickadee like you,
nothing else really matters.
Come to me, baby!
No, now, Mr. Ritter!
Hi, Lucy.
Hello, Mr. Ritter.
What's new?
What's new?!
Mr. Ricardo, there's
something you ought to know.
Your wife and I love each other.
No!
No, Ricky, let me explain.
Well, honey, there's
nothing to explain.
I've been expecting
this for some time.
You been "'specting" what?
Well, I can't
possibly hope to keep
such a glorious
hunk of stuff like you
all to myself forever.
Of course not.
I pass her on to you.
And you pass her
into waiting hands.
Wait a minute.
Can the football say something?
Mr. Ritter, please
be good to her.
She'll make a wonderful wife.
Ricardo, you're a good scout.
I'm going to send you a
whole case of lima beans.
And don't you worry about Lucy,
and don't you worry
about those children.
What children?
Say, you really hid
those kids, didn't you?
Now, Ricky, listen...
Honey, please, please
don't say another word.
Just stand there like you are.
I want to remember
you like this forever.
Good-bye... I'll pack my things.
Ricky! Ricky, are you...
Don't worry about
him, don't... you got me.
Oh, wait a minute,
leave me alone!
At last, at last you're
altogether mine.
Mr. Ritter!
What's the matter?
What's the matter with you?
Lover boy!
( screams)
( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)
ANNOUNCER: We'd like
to give our special thanks
to Mr. Edward Everett Horton
for appearing with us tonight.
The part of Miss Lewis was
played by Bea Benaderet.
I Love Lucy is a
Desilu production.
theme song playing)
( theme song ending)
( knock at door)
Come in!
Good morning, Mrs. Ricardo.
Good morning,
Miss Lewis. Come in.
Oh, thank you.
How's everything
down in your apartment?
Oh, fine, fine.
Help yourself to
a cup of coffee.
Oh, I'd like some.
It's chilly out.
Yes, it is.
( juicer whirring noisily)
Mrs. Ricardo.
Mrs. Ricardo...
( loudly): Mrs.
Ricardo, could I speak...
Oh.
Could I speak to
you for a minute?
Oh, surely, what's on your mind?
Well, I, um...
I wanted to ask you a big favor.
It's about a, hmm...
m-a-n.
M-a-n?
Oh, a man.
Ooh, shh!
Well, is it any special m-a-n?
It's Mister, um...
Ritter.
Mr. Ritter, the grocery man?
Oh, why, Miss Lewis, I
believe you're blushing.
I know, I know.
Oh, oh, Mrs. Ricardo,
I don't mind telling you
that as far as I'm concerned,
Mr. Ritter is the bee's knees.
( laughing)
What's the matter?
Oh, nothing.
It's just that I
never expected you
to think things like that.
Ooh, ooh, I do!
Well, you know the old saying,
"Just because there's
snow on the roof
doesn't mean there's
no fire in the furnace."
Well, well, well, here this
big romance is going on
between you and Mr. Ritter
and I never knew about it.
There's somebody else
that doesn't know about it.
Who?
Mr. Ritter.
Mr. Ritter?
To Mr. Ritter, I'm
just a box of groceries
twice a week.
Oh... well, why don't you
do something about it?
I'm going to, I'm going to.
I want to invite him
to a little intimate supper
for two in my apartment.
Oh.
Oh, but I need your help.
Oh, what do you want
me to do, hold him for you?
Oh, no, no, no!
I want you to give him this.
It's... oh, it's a little dirty.
I've been carrying it
around for five years.
Five years?
I've been carrying the
blowtorch for Mr. Ritter
for five years.
Well, I'd better give
this to him today.
Is breakfast ready?
Oh, hello, Mrs. Lewis.
Good morning, Mr. Ricardo.
Good morning.
Oh, well...
I guess I'll be running along.
Toodle-oo!
Good-bye, dear.
Toodle-oo.
What's on Grandma Lewis's mind?
Listen, don't let
Grandma Lewis fool you.
Yes, sir.
You never know what's
in a box by the wrapper.
Well, really, I didn't
even look at her wrapper.
I didn't mean that.
It's just an expression.
It means just because
there isn't any fire on her roof,
that there is no
snow in her furnace.
What?
Sounded better when she said it.
Yeah.
Honestly, Ricky,
it's the cutest thing.
Miss Lewis has a
crush on Mr. Ritter.
Mr. Ritter? Yeah.
The grocery man? Yeah.
And she is so bashful
that she doesn't want
to ask him up to supper,
so I'm going to give
him the invitation for her.
Uh-huh. Give it to me, nosy.
Nosy? What are
you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about.
How many times have I told you
not to get involved in
other people's lives?
But I'm just trying to
help a sweet old lady.
They might even get married,
and then they'll thank me.
Yeah, she'll thank
you; he'll sue you.
Well, is that the way
you feel about marriage?
Oh, honey, of course not.
I think marriage is wonderful.
Why, I think marriage is
the greatest thing there is
in the whole world.
It's the only way to live.
But if the guy has been clever
enough to escape it this long,
why louse him up now?
What?
Honey, I didn't mean...
I suppose you
weren't clever enough.
Well... Well, honey,
now... I mean, uh...
Well, I could have
been clever enough,
but you were so cute,
I decided to play dumb.
Well, all right,
then, it's all settled.
I'll give this
invitation to Mr. Ritter.
It's all settled; you'll
do nothing of the kind.
What do you mean?
Are you going to give
that invitation back
to Mrs. Lewis or not?
No!
Lucy, if you're going
to act like a child,
I'm going to have
to treat you like one.
Meaning what?
Meaning I'll put
you over my knees...
You wouldn't dare!
Oh, I wouldn't?
No, you wouldn't!
Ricky, Ricky! Come here.
Ricky, Ricky, Ricky!
Are you going to do what I say?
Oh, yes!
All right.
Oh, Ricky!
( humming)
( knocking at door)
Oh, come in.
Oh, Mrs. Ricardo!
Hello, Miss Lewis.
I was just ironing the dress
I'm going to wear tonight.
Yeah, well, that's what I
came down to talk to you about.
This isn't really the one
that I wanted to wear at all.
I wanted to wear my good one,
but it's in my hope chest,
and the lock is rusted shut.
Oh. Well, it really won't make
any difference because I'm...
Oh, of course it doesn't.
Sit down, dear.
No, I don't think
I care to sit down.
Well, let me show you, here.
Now, look, I thought that
we'd eat by candlelight,
because they say it
makes you look younger.
Oh, yes, that's right.
Maybe I'll look like a
girl of 50 again, huh?
Oh, easily.
Oh, you're sweet,
you're awfully sweet.
Look.
Elderberry wine...
I made it myself.
It's been fermenting
since I was 21 years old.
Twenty-one?
Must have quite a tang by now.
I thought Mr. Ritter
and I could have
a couple of belts before dinner.
Well, I don't think
you're going to get
much chance to
serve it, Miss Lewis.
You see, I had a long
talk with my husband...
( gasps) He made me...
Oh, husband!
That's the most beautiful
word in the English language.
( knocking at door)
MAN: Miss Lewis!
Don't forget... the invitation!
Miss Lewis, I wanted
to talk to you about that...
Miss Lew...
Pretty late today,
and I'm awful sorry,
but I want to tell
you something.
The traffic has been
something awful.
Oh, Mrs. Ricardo, howdy, howdy!
Awful cold out...
It's awful cold, really.
How are you?
Fine.
How are you?
Me, I can't kick... rheumatism.
Get it?
Oh. I don't know
how I think of them.
Just like that, you
know, comical.
Where is, uh,
where is Miss Lewis?
Well, she ought to
be back in a minute.
Well, she can, uh...
She can pay me for these
when I come the next time.
Okay.
Mr. Ritter?
Huh?
Come here.
I have a secret to tell you.
Uh...
Someone around
here is very fond of you.
No!
Yes, a certain someone thinks
that you're the bee's knees.
Well, hot diggity!
You want to know
something, Mrs. Ricardo?
What?
I like you, too.
What?
You're just my type, Red.
Oh, no, no, you
don't understand.
Here, read this.
This will explain.
"Can you make it for dinner
tonight, just the two of us?"
Uh-oh.
"Will be waiting for
you in my apartment."
Can I make it?
Say, speed's my
middle name, Lucy.
Oh, now, now, stay away!
I didn't write that
note. Miss Lewis did.
Miss Lewis? Aw,
who are you joshing?
No, really, look
at the signature.
It says... "Your secret lover."
Secret lover? Yeah.
You don't have to keep
anything secret from me, lover.
No! Miss Lewis! Miss Lewis!
Now, listen, you're
not fooling anybody.
She's not here,
you said so yourself.
Don't try to fight this, Lucy.
It's bigger than both of us.
It is not!
Miss Lewis, Miss
Lewis, where are you?
Miss Lewis!
See, alone. I tell
you it's fate, really.
But she was here, honest.
Sure, she was, sure.
You know you're even cuter
when you get shy like this.
Mr. Ritter!
Don't worry about anything...
Your apartment,
dinner, tonight, sure.
I'm afraid I can't make
it till about half past 7:00.
Mr. Ritter!
Oh, honey, I got to keep the
store open till 7:00, honest.
Mr. Ritter!
( doorbell buzzing)
Oh, oh, Miss Lewis,
where have you been?
I've been calling you for hours.
Oh, Mrs. Ricardo, I just
lost control of myself.
When I found out
that Mr. Ritter thought
you were inviting him to dinner,
I got hysterical
and started running.
Ran eight laps around the park.
Passed lots of horses.
Oh...
I'm pooped.
Well, you certainly
got me in a fine mess.
Your secret lover is coming
here for dinner at 7:30,
and my husband is due
home at the same time.
Oh... well, why
don't you call him
and tell him your
husband's going to be here?
I did... he was delighted.
He wants to tell Ricky
that we love each other
and that he should start
getting a divorce right away.
Oh... oh, I wish there
was some way I could help.
There is.
What?
You stay on those stairs tonight
and don't let Mr. Ritter
get into this apartment.
You get him into your apartment.
How?
I don't know how you're
going to do it, but you do it.
Mrs. Ricardo?
What?
Would you teach me how
to attract the opposite...
sex?
Well, all right.
Stand up, let's
have a look at you.
( groans)
Well...
um, let's see you
walk back and forth
and swing your hips.
Swing my hips?
Yes.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
All that will get you
is a Boy Scout that'll
help you across the street.
Look, now, watch me.
You just shift them gently.
Shift, shift, shift
shift, shift...
Shift them?
That's easy for you.
I've got a rusty transmission.
( sighs)
I'm sorry.
Maybe we could try
a "come hither" look.
Yeah.
Miss Lewis, what's the matter?
Are you all right?
What's the matter?
There's nothing the matter.
That's my "come hither" look.
Oh.
Oh, no, dear, try
something like this.
Oh, dear.
( phone rings)
Oh, excuse me.
Hello.
Yes, dear?
It's Ricky.
Honey, I won't be
home tonight for dinner.
LUCY: Oh?
No, I, uh, I have
to stay in town.
Jerry and I are going
to talk some business.
Oh, well, all right, dear.
Don't be too lonesome.
Oh, no, no, I won't.
Good-bye.
Ricky isn't coming
home to dinner.
You know, I just think
I might keep that date
with Mr. Ritter tonight.
That's not fair.
He's mine.
Oh, you don't understand, dear.
I'm going to get him up here
and disappoint him so completely
that he wouldn't have
me on a silver platter.
Then the road will be
nice and clear for you.
Oh, oh, fine, fine.
Let's see now, how can
I disappoint Mr. Ritter?
What do you know about him?
Well, we had a long conversation
once over the pickle barrel.
That sort of raised my hopes.
Um...
he can't stand children.
And-and he likes
a tidy appearance,
and he demands
immaculate housekeeping.
He likes good cooking...
Hold it, hold it.
I think I can change
Mr. Ritter's heartthrob
to heartburn in one sitting.
( fanfare playing)
( doorbell buzzing)
Well, Mr. Ritter!
How are you tonight?
You ask that at
a time like this?
Oh, for me?
Uh-huh, the whole bag.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, gumdrops!
Thank you.
Can I take your coat off?
Please.
There we are.
Hat?
Oh.
Just a minute.
What's that?
Oh!
Well, sit down;
dinner's almost ready.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm very anxious for you
to sample my cooking.
So am I.
Oh! Oh! Pardon me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
There we are.
Well, I hope you
like tomato juice.
Oh, I do, I like it very much.
Yeah, this, huh? Yeah.
This is our special every
Thursday down at my store.
Oh, is that so?
Yeah, yes.
Well, the same brand
it is, yes, sure, yes.
Is that so?
Well, here's...
uh, what is it now?
Here's mud in your eye. Oh!
Of course, it ain't mud;
it's really tomato juice.
Yeah. You know, I put the
tiniest dash of Tabasco in this.
Inside?
Yeah.
Yes, it helps, you know,
everything, you know...
Just right, huh?
Oh, fine...
( gasps)
( coughing)
Want some more?
No, something to chew
on, like a piece of bread.
Oh, I have some
nice, fluffy biscuits.
Oh, I'm crazy about...
Hurry, will you, hurry!
Oh!
Well, a little dirt
never hurt anybody.
No, really, I... I don't
think I care for biscuits.
Oh, no?
No.
Well, I hope you like soup.
That's what's coming up next.
Soup, yes. Soothing soup.
Yeah, hot.
There you are.
Mmm...
( cans clank)
Mine's too hot.
It's always too hot for me.
( slurping)
( continues slurping)
Want some more?
I'm not really much
of a soup eater.
You're not? No.
Why not?
A throat condition.
Oh. Yeah.
You know, you have
a very finicky appetite.
No, I'm pretty rugged
as a rule, pretty rugged.
You like roast turkey
with sage dressing?
I love it, yes... Dark
meat, you know.
Nice and juicy, huh?
Well, we're not
having that tonight.
How about pot roast and...
Oh, with the pancake, huh?
Potato pancakes, apple sauce.
Oh, my. I had a banquet once...
We're not having
that tonight either.
We're having steak.
Steak? Yeah.
Oh, steak. Yeah.
Oh, haven't had it for months.
We have them down at my
store, but I can't afford to buy them.
Well, here we are,
nice, sizzling steak.
Hang on to this, will you?
Oh, I don't think...
Oh, go ahead, I won't hurt you.
Come on, hang on.
Attaboy.
There we are.
Oop!
Sorry, I lose more
friends that way.
Well, here we are.
( sneezes)
Gesundheit.
Lucy?
Yeah? You know something?
What?
I'm not hungry.
You're not?
I'm not hungry.
You don't like my cooking. No...
You're disappointed in me.
You're going away and
you're never coming back.
I am not!
Lucy, I'll never
leave you, never.
You won't?
What's food compared to
the fundamental principles?
We love each other;
that's all that counts.
Now, I'm going to do all the
cooking until you learn how.
The important thing is...
Quiet, you're
waking the children.
Don't stop me. The
important thing is...
The what?
The children.
You haven't any children.
Oh, yes, I have.
You never told me.
I've never seen one...
I keep them hidden.
They don't like kids in
this apartment house.
You mean to tell me
that you're the mother
of these lollipop-eating,
sticky-fingered,
candy-stealing...
That's right, and if you're
not going to eat your dinner,
I'm going to have
to give it to the kids.
I can't eat that.
All right, children,
come and get it!
Come and get it!
Oh, oh, oh, Mr. Ricardo?
Yes, Miss Lewis?
Mr. Ricardo, could I
see you for a minute?
Why, sure, Miss Lewis.
Yes, yes, it's, um...
Oh, it's a nice
evening, isn't it?
Yes, lovely, if you
like it below zero.
Oh, below zero.
Well, um...
uh... is...
Well, Miss Lewis, if there's
nothing else on your mind,
I'm anxious to get upstairs.
Oh...
Miss Lewis, are you
having an attack?
Razz-a-matazz.
Razz-a... razz-a-matazz...
I'll see you later.
No, no, no!
You can't go up there
until Mr. Ritter leaves.
What?!
Did Lucy give
him that invitation?
Oh...
Yes, poor dear, and he
thought it was from her,
and now he wants to marry her.
He wants to...
She's... she's...
she's upstairs now
trying to discourage him.
She is?
Oh, this is great,
this is wonderful.
I'll see you later, good-bye.
Oh, Mr. Ricardo...
Yes, yes, dear?
You're the first man
I ever flirted with,
and you want to know something?
What?
I like it.
Well, I think you're very cute.
I'll see you later.
( Ricky laughing)
Twenty-two...
twenty-three...
twenty-four...
Twenty-four and-a-half.
Oh, you know, Lucy, that's
an awful lot of children.
Six of them are missing.
Missing?
Yeah. Well, now you know.
Go ahead and leave me.
I wouldn't blame you.
Lucy, you know that I hate kids.
Yeah?
I can't stand bad
housekeeping... Yeah.
And sloppy food. Yeah.
But when a guy has
got a chickadee like you,
nothing else really matters.
Come to me, baby!
No, now, Mr. Ritter!
Hi, Lucy.
Hello, Mr. Ritter.
What's new?
What's new?!
Mr. Ricardo, there's
something you ought to know.
Your wife and I love each other.
No!
No, Ricky, let me explain.
Well, honey, there's
nothing to explain.
I've been expecting
this for some time.
You been "'specting" what?
Well, I can't
possibly hope to keep
such a glorious
hunk of stuff like you
all to myself forever.
Of course not.
I pass her on to you.
And you pass her
into waiting hands.
Wait a minute.
Can the football say something?
Mr. Ritter, please
be good to her.
She'll make a wonderful wife.
Ricardo, you're a good scout.
I'm going to send you a
whole case of lima beans.
And don't you worry about Lucy,
and don't you worry
about those children.
What children?
Say, you really hid
those kids, didn't you?
Now, Ricky, listen...
Honey, please, please
don't say another word.
Just stand there like you are.
I want to remember
you like this forever.
Good-bye... I'll pack my things.
Ricky! Ricky, are you...
Don't worry about
him, don't... you got me.
Oh, wait a minute,
leave me alone!
At last, at last you're
altogether mine.
Mr. Ritter!
What's the matter?
What's the matter with you?
Lover boy!
( screams)
( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)
ANNOUNCER: We'd like
to give our special thanks
to Mr. Edward Everett Horton
for appearing with us tonight.
The part of Miss Lewis was
played by Bea Benaderet.
I Love Lucy is a
Desilu production.