I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 14 - The Amateur Hour - full transcript
To earn some extra money to pay for a new dress, Lucy takes a job babysitting a little boy. She is amazed that she will be getting $5 an hour. She finds out why when the boy's mother sneaks a second, twin boy into the apartment.
( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)
( theme song ending)
Oh...
Oh, brother, am I beat.
Well, what a sale, huh?
Oh, these little piggies
may never go to market again.
Wouldn't you know I wouldn't
be able to find anything
and you got the
cutest dress in town.
Truthfully, Ethel, isn't this
the biggest bargain
you've ever seen?
Absolutely.
Oh... course,
now it's a question
of how to get Ricky
to let me keep it.
Oh, he'll have
to let you keep it.
You got it at a sale;
they won't take it back.
Yeah, well, that's
the gamble I'm taking.
I have to get Ricky to
say that I can keep it
without letting him know that
even if he says I can't keep it,
I'll have to keep it
because the store
will make me keep it anyway.
Well, that ought to
confuse him enough.
Oh, I guess I'll be able
to smooch him into it.
Sure.
Well, I'll just get
this out of his sight
until I get him good and mellow
and then I'll spring it on him.
Well, I guess I'll go
down and smooch Fred
and see if I can talk him
into letting me keep this.
So long, Lucy.
Good-bye, dear.
Is that you, Ricky?
Yeah, honey.
Hello, baby!
Hi.
Ho-ho.
Your cheeks are cold.
Oh, let me take off
your coat, honey.
Are your feet wet?
No.
Well, sit down, darling,
you must be awfully tired.
Put the tootsies
up. That's a boy.
There you are.
Oh, you great, big,
handsome husband, you.
Mmm...
Lucy.
Yes, dear.
What have you done?
Nothing, I'm just
glad that I have
the cutest, sweetest,
most wonderful husband
in the whole wide world.
Kiss me.
You have something to tell me.
What is it?
Well, I don't think
you're ready for it yet.
I know!
You bought something!
Boy, am I losing my touch.
How much is it going to cost me?
How much is it going to cost me?
Now, Ricky, don't get
mad till I show it to you.
You've got to
agree it's a bargain.
Isn't it the cutest
thing you've ever seen?
How much?
Notice the full skirt and
the sensational neckline?
How much?
Isn't it a divine color, Ricky?
How much?
Of course, I'll have
to shorten it a little.
How much?!
About two-and-a-half inches.
I'll have that done tomorrow.
Let me see that,
let me see that.
¿Este vestidito?
¿Esta cochita tan flaquita?
¿Este pedacito de tela?
$59.95!
Y despues de todo eso
hay que pagar tambien,
plus sales tax!
Well, that means
you like it, doesn't it?
Now, Lucy, you
don't need that dress.
You got plenty of clothes.
No, I haven't.
I looked in my
closet this morning
and you know what?
I haven't a thing to wear.
I haven't a thing to wear.
Well, I haven't.
Honey, you got a
closet full of clothes.
Well, all my friends
have seen me in them.
Well, then get yourself
a new set of friends.
Very funny.
Look, honey, I'm not
going to pay for that dress.
Then I will!
All right, you pay for it.
I'm not going to
stand here and argue.
I got to get dressed
to go to the show.
She's going to pay for it.
( chuckles)
Well, I will!
I'll show you, I'll get a job!
RICKY: Job?
You?
Ha!
I could make
money if I wanted to.
Where are you ever get a job?
How about using me
in your club as a singer?
As a dancer?
Chorus girl?
Parking cars?
Oh...
See you later, honey.
Ricky!
Where are you going?
Going down to the club.
Well, put some clothes on!
Well, I'd love to, honey, but,
uh, I haven't a thing to wear.
Oh...
Good morning, Lucy.
Lucy?
Well, this is a switch.
Lucy, I haven't
got any breakfast.
It's on the stove.
Get it yourself.
Now, Lucy...
Listen, I am no longer
the doting housewife.
If you are going to send me
out into the world of business
to earn my own money,
you can just treat me
like a fellow businessman.
All right, fellow businessman.
Hey, pardon me,
will you pass the sugar, mister?
Any good jobs open, Mac?
Lots of them.
I just have to take my choice.
Stenographer.
Nah.
Bookkeeper.
Nah.
Cook. No!
Lady wrestler.
Hmm...
Oh, this is terribly unfair.
What is?
Well, apparently,
you can't get a job in this town
unless you can do something.
Yeah, how about that?
Well, good-bye, fellow worker.
Good-bye.
Oh, listen, honey,
I won't be home
till late tonight.
Jerry has me booked in some
charity affair or something.
Okay.
I'll see you later, bye.
Bye.
Good morning, Lucy.
Hi.
Well, how did you
make out last night?
Did you get to keep the dress?
I can keep it if I pay for it.
I'm going to get a job.
Job? You? Ha!
Well, you don't have
to get nasty about it.
There's a lot of things
in here that I can do.
What, for instance?
Well, I could be a...
um...
Well, I could...
I could be a baby-sitter.
Yeah.
50 cents an hour.
Oh...
Gee, it's disgusting
the measly wages
they pay baby-sitters.
At that rate, it would take you
a year to pay for that dress.
Look at that... "Baby-sitter,
50 cents an hour.
"Baby-sitter, 50 cents an hour.
"Baby-sitter, $50 an...
Five dollars an hour!"
Oh, that must be a misprint.
No, it isn't, right there...
"Baby-sitter, five
dollars an hour."
I'm going to call up
and see if that's right.
Susquehanna seven...
Listen, Lucy, if
they're willing to pay
five dollars an hour
for a baby-sitter,
there's a catch in it someplace.
I don't care.
I wonder what kind
of a baby it could be?
Listen, for five
dollars an hour,
I'll sit with a baby gorilla.
Hello?
Hello, I'm calling about
your ad in the paper.
Five dollars an
hour for baby-sitting,
is that correct?
Well, why do you pay so much?
I mean, what
kind of a baby is it?
A little boy.
A little boy what?
I mean, is it human?
What is it?
It's all right, it's
just a little boy.
There's something fishy!
Yes, yes, yes, you can bring
him around this afternoon.
The name is Mrs. Ricardo,
623 East 68th Street.
About 2:00?
Fine.
All right, good-bye.
Just think, Ethel, if
she leaves him here
four hours this
afternoon, I'll make $20.
If you're still alive.
Oh, don't be so pessimistic.
It's just a little boy.
Now, what do you think
I'd better have ready for
him when he gets here?
A little girl.
( doorbell buzzes)
Mrs. Ricardo?
Mrs. Hudson?
Yes. Oh, come in, please.
Thank you.
This must be your little boy.
Yes, this is our little Jimmy.
Hello, Jimmy, want me
to help you off with your...
I can take it off myself!
Uh, what's the matter, Jimmy?
Don't you like me?
I like you.
And we're going to have
lots of fun together today,
now, aren't we?
Oh, brother!
Well, I'll be running along now
and leave Jimmy with you.
I'm due at the hairdresser.
We're going to be in
a show this evening.
Oh, really?
Well, it's just an amateur
contest that our club is giving.
It's for charity...
I'm hungry!
Oh, Jimmy, dear,
your mother is talking.
I'm hungry! I'm hungry!
Ahh!! Oh...!
Jimmy!
Well, I'll leave you two alone
and I'll be back about 5:00.
Well, I'm sure
we'll be all right.
Now, Jimmy, you behave.
Yeah.
Oh, all these lovely things.
( clucking tongue)
Well, good-bye.
Good-bye.
Ooh.
Hey, I said I was hungry!
All right, all right.
Yeah, cookies and
milk in the kitchen.
Come on.
Right over there.
( mouthing)
Uh, more cookies, Jimmy?
Yeah.
Help yourself.
Here, Elmer, eat that.
What do you have in there?
It's my pet frog, Elmer.
Oh!
Well, put that thing away.
How can you carry something
like that around with you?
Aah, women!
What's out here?
Oh, that's the back porch.
Now, don't go
out; you'll fall off.
Are you kidding?
No, now, Jimmy, I mean it!
Now, come on, you go in the
living room and you wait for me.
We'll be in... I'll
play games with you.
Now, go ahead.
Well, here I am.
Game time.
Well, I've been waiting for you.
What took you so long?
Well, uh, what game
would you like to play?
Who wants to play games?
I'm hungry.
Hungry?
How could you
possibly be hungry?
I'm hungry! I'm hungry!
Ahh! Oh...!
All right!
I made a mistake!
Okay!
Out here!
Over there.
Sit down.
Oh, my, look at
those dirty hands!
Oh, you go wash your hands.
I don't want to.
You go into the living room,
into the bathroom
and wash your hands!
Now, go on.
Aw...
Ehhh...
I said go wash your hands!
What for? They're clean!
What kind of a nitwit
do you think I am?
I don't know, what kind are you?
Well, they're clean.
I don't know how
you did it so fast,
but come on.
What's that for?
You said you were hungry!
You already gave me
some of those lousy cookies.
Well, I know...
Guess you're having a hard
time getting rid of them, aren't you?
That does it, all right,
into the living room
we'll play games, I'll be in.
( huffs)
Well?
Well, what?
Where's my cookies and milk?
You said you didn't want any.
You won't give me
any cookies and milk!
I'm hungry, I'm
hungry, I'm hungry!
( yells)
Do I get my cookies and milk?
Are you sure this time?
Sure, I'm sure!
All right, sit down!
( doorbell buzzing)
( screams) ( screams)
( crying)
What's the matter,
what's the matter?
You scared me.
How did you get out there?
I walked out.
But you were...
( screams) ( screams)
Quit scaring me!
Now, listen, that's a very
funny trick, that disappearing,
but don't you do it again, see.
I thought you said we
were going to play games.
All right. What kind of a
game do you want to play?
How about cowboys and Indians?
What?
Cowboys!
And Indians!
Why, what a dirty trick!
Why didn't your mother
tell me you were twins?
Because nobody will baby-sit
with us when she does.
Yeah, one of us is bad enough,
but two of us... mur-der!
You can say that again.
Come on, let's play
cowboys and Indians.
Well, now that I know I'm sane,
I guess can face anything.
We'll be the Indians
and you'll be the cowboy,
and we'll burn you at the stake.
Burn me at the stake?
Yeah.
Oh, no, no, let's
find another game.
What about "here we
go round the maypole"?
Well, that sounds tame enough.
I saw a rope we can
use on the back porch.
Be careful, now. Don't fall off.
Aah...
Ehh...
Say, is all this red stuff real?
Well, it should be!
I paid enough for it.
Here's the rope, Tim.
All right, stand up.
Boy, this is going to be fun.
You hold the middle of the
rope 'cause you're the maypole.
Okay.
ALL: ♪ Here we go round the
maypole, the maypole, the maypole ♪
♪ Here we go round the
maypole, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪
♪ Here we go round the maypole,
the maypole, the maypole ♪
♪ Here we go round the
maypole, na, na, na, na, na. ♪
( fanfare playing)
( whooping)
We'll start a fire and
burn her at the stake!
Yeah, these papers
will burn swell.
Fellas, you're kidding, I hope!
Fellas!
Fellas!
Help!
Help!
Help!
You gag her, I'll get the stake.
Help!
Help!
Help!
( muffled screaming)
( twins whooping)
( muffled cry)
( whooping)
How, me get matches.
( muffled yell)
How, paleface get um hot seat.
( muffled scream)
( phone rings)
( muffled shouting)
Hello.
Hello, hello, Jimmy?
Or is it Timmy?
Let me speak to Mrs. Ricardo.
She can't talk now.
( muffled screams)
Timmy, is Mrs. Ricardo on fire?
Not yet.
Well, it's a good
thing for you she isn't!
You know your father said
he would spank you both
if you burn just one
more sitter at the stake!
Now, you let me talk to her!
Oh, all right.
Mom wants to talk to you.
Take the gag out.
Hello.
Hello!
Oh, well, you found
out my little joke.
( laughing)
( mocking her laughter)
Oh, listen, now,
I'm all tied up.
Yeah, well, that
makes two of us.
Uh, I wonder, Mrs. Ricardo,
if you would take my
place with the boys
at the amateur contest tonight.
What?
If you win, I'll let you keep
the prize money... $100.
$100?
Well...
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Ricardo.
I don't... I didn't...
Hello? Hello?
Okay, boys, meet the
new partner in your act.
You're going to do
the act instead of Mom?
Yeah, but I have a
hunch I'd be better off
if I just let you burn
me at the stake.
( boys laugh as
Lucy mocks laughter)
Untie me!
( applause)
Very, very fine.
Wasn't that fine?
That was little, uh...
uh, Willie Mae,
little Willie Mae,
who played the
guitar with her feet.
Well, I'll try playing the
guitar with my hands.
She probably does
better with her feet.
( laughter)
Are you ready,
girls? Here we go.
Oh, this is a song,
a brand-new ballad.
It's called
"I'm Breaking My Back,
Putting Up a Front For You."
A-one, a-two...
( band plays Latin swing music)
♪ I bought a 12-room
house, a mountain lodge ♪
♪ A lemon-yellow
Cadillac in a blue garage ♪
♪ I'm a-breaking my back
putting up a front for you ♪
♪ I bought an aeroplane,
it's just for kicks ♪
♪ Holds twice as many
passengers as a DC-6 ♪
♪ I'm a-breaking my back
putting up a front for you ♪
♪ Oh... say, my heart
goes bang, babe ♪
♪ When I look at
you, sister, I'm gone ♪
♪ Who... gives a hang, babe ♪
♪ If my bank
account's overdrawn? ♪
♪ I'm getting pedicures
and manicures ♪
♪ Just ever since I took a
look at that pan of yours ♪
♪ I'm breaking my back
putting up a front for you ♪
Yeah, let's hear it,
boys, let's hear it!
Yep, ah!
( playing Latin swing)
♪ I own a private train,
it's pure gold leaf ♪
♪ On Friday nights I hook
it onto the Super Chief ♪
♪ Breaking my back
putting up a front for you. ♪
Yeah!
♪ I got a French
valet, a camp-de-aide ♪
♪ A very famous movie
star is my upstairs maid ♪
♪ Breaking my back
putting up a front for you. ♪
Oh, you girl!
♪ Oh... say, my heart
goes bang, babe ♪
♪ When I look at
you, sister, I choke ♪
♪ Who gives a hang, babe? ♪
♪ I'm a Cuban who's
got to go broke ♪
♪ I bought a diamond
ring worth 20 grand ♪
♪ But I would gladly trade
it in for a wedding band ♪
♪ I'm a-breaking my back
putting up a front for you ♪
Oh, yes, you...!
♪ Oh, breaking my back
putting up a front for you. ♪
Hey!
( applause)
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
And now...
the last contestant
of the evening
is, uh...
Mrs. Hudson and the twins.
Uh, are you ready?
Oh, this is your music?
Okay.
They are going to do...
"Ragtime Cowboy Joe."
Here you are, Mr. Rizzo,
"Ragtime Cowboy Joe."
Mrs. Hudson and the twins.
Go ahead.
( playing "Ragtime Cowboy Joe")
( spittoon rings)
( spittoon rings)
( spittoon explodes)
ALL: ♪ He always sings
swinging music to the cattle ♪
♪ As he swings back
and forward in the saddle ♪
♪ On a horse that is
syncopated-gaited ♪
♪ And there's such a funny
meter to the roar of his repeater ♪
♪ How they run when
they hear the feller's gun ♪
♪ Because the
Western folks all know ♪
♪ He's a highfalutin,
scootin', shootin' ♪
♪ Son of a gun from Arizona ♪
♪ Ragtime cowboy,
swing time cowboy ♪
♪ Ragtime cowboy Joe! ♪
( cap guns shooting)
Elmer, you bad frog!
Get back in your box!
Elmer!
What?
Whoa, whoa...
RICK: Conga, conga!
Conga, conga, conga...
( conga music plays)
All right, all right!
( applause)
( cheering)
( applause continues)
Okay, I guess...
I guess there's
no doubt about it.
The winners of our
$100 cash prize...
Mrs. Hudson and the twins.
Here you are, Mrs. Hudson, $100.
Thank you, Mr. Ricardo.
You're welcome.
Lucy!
( applause)
( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)
"I love Lucy" is a
Desilu production.
theme song playing)
( theme song ending)
Oh...
Oh, brother, am I beat.
Well, what a sale, huh?
Oh, these little piggies
may never go to market again.
Wouldn't you know I wouldn't
be able to find anything
and you got the
cutest dress in town.
Truthfully, Ethel, isn't this
the biggest bargain
you've ever seen?
Absolutely.
Oh... course,
now it's a question
of how to get Ricky
to let me keep it.
Oh, he'll have
to let you keep it.
You got it at a sale;
they won't take it back.
Yeah, well, that's
the gamble I'm taking.
I have to get Ricky to
say that I can keep it
without letting him know that
even if he says I can't keep it,
I'll have to keep it
because the store
will make me keep it anyway.
Well, that ought to
confuse him enough.
Oh, I guess I'll be able
to smooch him into it.
Sure.
Well, I'll just get
this out of his sight
until I get him good and mellow
and then I'll spring it on him.
Well, I guess I'll go
down and smooch Fred
and see if I can talk him
into letting me keep this.
So long, Lucy.
Good-bye, dear.
Is that you, Ricky?
Yeah, honey.
Hello, baby!
Hi.
Ho-ho.
Your cheeks are cold.
Oh, let me take off
your coat, honey.
Are your feet wet?
No.
Well, sit down, darling,
you must be awfully tired.
Put the tootsies
up. That's a boy.
There you are.
Oh, you great, big,
handsome husband, you.
Mmm...
Lucy.
Yes, dear.
What have you done?
Nothing, I'm just
glad that I have
the cutest, sweetest,
most wonderful husband
in the whole wide world.
Kiss me.
You have something to tell me.
What is it?
Well, I don't think
you're ready for it yet.
I know!
You bought something!
Boy, am I losing my touch.
How much is it going to cost me?
How much is it going to cost me?
Now, Ricky, don't get
mad till I show it to you.
You've got to
agree it's a bargain.
Isn't it the cutest
thing you've ever seen?
How much?
Notice the full skirt and
the sensational neckline?
How much?
Isn't it a divine color, Ricky?
How much?
Of course, I'll have
to shorten it a little.
How much?!
About two-and-a-half inches.
I'll have that done tomorrow.
Let me see that,
let me see that.
¿Este vestidito?
¿Esta cochita tan flaquita?
¿Este pedacito de tela?
$59.95!
Y despues de todo eso
hay que pagar tambien,
plus sales tax!
Well, that means
you like it, doesn't it?
Now, Lucy, you
don't need that dress.
You got plenty of clothes.
No, I haven't.
I looked in my
closet this morning
and you know what?
I haven't a thing to wear.
I haven't a thing to wear.
Well, I haven't.
Honey, you got a
closet full of clothes.
Well, all my friends
have seen me in them.
Well, then get yourself
a new set of friends.
Very funny.
Look, honey, I'm not
going to pay for that dress.
Then I will!
All right, you pay for it.
I'm not going to
stand here and argue.
I got to get dressed
to go to the show.
She's going to pay for it.
( chuckles)
Well, I will!
I'll show you, I'll get a job!
RICKY: Job?
You?
Ha!
I could make
money if I wanted to.
Where are you ever get a job?
How about using me
in your club as a singer?
As a dancer?
Chorus girl?
Parking cars?
Oh...
See you later, honey.
Ricky!
Where are you going?
Going down to the club.
Well, put some clothes on!
Well, I'd love to, honey, but,
uh, I haven't a thing to wear.
Oh...
Good morning, Lucy.
Lucy?
Well, this is a switch.
Lucy, I haven't
got any breakfast.
It's on the stove.
Get it yourself.
Now, Lucy...
Listen, I am no longer
the doting housewife.
If you are going to send me
out into the world of business
to earn my own money,
you can just treat me
like a fellow businessman.
All right, fellow businessman.
Hey, pardon me,
will you pass the sugar, mister?
Any good jobs open, Mac?
Lots of them.
I just have to take my choice.
Stenographer.
Nah.
Bookkeeper.
Nah.
Cook. No!
Lady wrestler.
Hmm...
Oh, this is terribly unfair.
What is?
Well, apparently,
you can't get a job in this town
unless you can do something.
Yeah, how about that?
Well, good-bye, fellow worker.
Good-bye.
Oh, listen, honey,
I won't be home
till late tonight.
Jerry has me booked in some
charity affair or something.
Okay.
I'll see you later, bye.
Bye.
Good morning, Lucy.
Hi.
Well, how did you
make out last night?
Did you get to keep the dress?
I can keep it if I pay for it.
I'm going to get a job.
Job? You? Ha!
Well, you don't have
to get nasty about it.
There's a lot of things
in here that I can do.
What, for instance?
Well, I could be a...
um...
Well, I could...
I could be a baby-sitter.
Yeah.
50 cents an hour.
Oh...
Gee, it's disgusting
the measly wages
they pay baby-sitters.
At that rate, it would take you
a year to pay for that dress.
Look at that... "Baby-sitter,
50 cents an hour.
"Baby-sitter, 50 cents an hour.
"Baby-sitter, $50 an...
Five dollars an hour!"
Oh, that must be a misprint.
No, it isn't, right there...
"Baby-sitter, five
dollars an hour."
I'm going to call up
and see if that's right.
Susquehanna seven...
Listen, Lucy, if
they're willing to pay
five dollars an hour
for a baby-sitter,
there's a catch in it someplace.
I don't care.
I wonder what kind
of a baby it could be?
Listen, for five
dollars an hour,
I'll sit with a baby gorilla.
Hello?
Hello, I'm calling about
your ad in the paper.
Five dollars an
hour for baby-sitting,
is that correct?
Well, why do you pay so much?
I mean, what
kind of a baby is it?
A little boy.
A little boy what?
I mean, is it human?
What is it?
It's all right, it's
just a little boy.
There's something fishy!
Yes, yes, yes, you can bring
him around this afternoon.
The name is Mrs. Ricardo,
623 East 68th Street.
About 2:00?
Fine.
All right, good-bye.
Just think, Ethel, if
she leaves him here
four hours this
afternoon, I'll make $20.
If you're still alive.
Oh, don't be so pessimistic.
It's just a little boy.
Now, what do you think
I'd better have ready for
him when he gets here?
A little girl.
( doorbell buzzes)
Mrs. Ricardo?
Mrs. Hudson?
Yes. Oh, come in, please.
Thank you.
This must be your little boy.
Yes, this is our little Jimmy.
Hello, Jimmy, want me
to help you off with your...
I can take it off myself!
Uh, what's the matter, Jimmy?
Don't you like me?
I like you.
And we're going to have
lots of fun together today,
now, aren't we?
Oh, brother!
Well, I'll be running along now
and leave Jimmy with you.
I'm due at the hairdresser.
We're going to be in
a show this evening.
Oh, really?
Well, it's just an amateur
contest that our club is giving.
It's for charity...
I'm hungry!
Oh, Jimmy, dear,
your mother is talking.
I'm hungry! I'm hungry!
Ahh!! Oh...!
Jimmy!
Well, I'll leave you two alone
and I'll be back about 5:00.
Well, I'm sure
we'll be all right.
Now, Jimmy, you behave.
Yeah.
Oh, all these lovely things.
( clucking tongue)
Well, good-bye.
Good-bye.
Ooh.
Hey, I said I was hungry!
All right, all right.
Yeah, cookies and
milk in the kitchen.
Come on.
Right over there.
( mouthing)
Uh, more cookies, Jimmy?
Yeah.
Help yourself.
Here, Elmer, eat that.
What do you have in there?
It's my pet frog, Elmer.
Oh!
Well, put that thing away.
How can you carry something
like that around with you?
Aah, women!
What's out here?
Oh, that's the back porch.
Now, don't go
out; you'll fall off.
Are you kidding?
No, now, Jimmy, I mean it!
Now, come on, you go in the
living room and you wait for me.
We'll be in... I'll
play games with you.
Now, go ahead.
Well, here I am.
Game time.
Well, I've been waiting for you.
What took you so long?
Well, uh, what game
would you like to play?
Who wants to play games?
I'm hungry.
Hungry?
How could you
possibly be hungry?
I'm hungry! I'm hungry!
Ahh! Oh...!
All right!
I made a mistake!
Okay!
Out here!
Over there.
Sit down.
Oh, my, look at
those dirty hands!
Oh, you go wash your hands.
I don't want to.
You go into the living room,
into the bathroom
and wash your hands!
Now, go on.
Aw...
Ehhh...
I said go wash your hands!
What for? They're clean!
What kind of a nitwit
do you think I am?
I don't know, what kind are you?
Well, they're clean.
I don't know how
you did it so fast,
but come on.
What's that for?
You said you were hungry!
You already gave me
some of those lousy cookies.
Well, I know...
Guess you're having a hard
time getting rid of them, aren't you?
That does it, all right,
into the living room
we'll play games, I'll be in.
( huffs)
Well?
Well, what?
Where's my cookies and milk?
You said you didn't want any.
You won't give me
any cookies and milk!
I'm hungry, I'm
hungry, I'm hungry!
( yells)
Do I get my cookies and milk?
Are you sure this time?
Sure, I'm sure!
All right, sit down!
( doorbell buzzing)
( screams) ( screams)
( crying)
What's the matter,
what's the matter?
You scared me.
How did you get out there?
I walked out.
But you were...
( screams) ( screams)
Quit scaring me!
Now, listen, that's a very
funny trick, that disappearing,
but don't you do it again, see.
I thought you said we
were going to play games.
All right. What kind of a
game do you want to play?
How about cowboys and Indians?
What?
Cowboys!
And Indians!
Why, what a dirty trick!
Why didn't your mother
tell me you were twins?
Because nobody will baby-sit
with us when she does.
Yeah, one of us is bad enough,
but two of us... mur-der!
You can say that again.
Come on, let's play
cowboys and Indians.
Well, now that I know I'm sane,
I guess can face anything.
We'll be the Indians
and you'll be the cowboy,
and we'll burn you at the stake.
Burn me at the stake?
Yeah.
Oh, no, no, let's
find another game.
What about "here we
go round the maypole"?
Well, that sounds tame enough.
I saw a rope we can
use on the back porch.
Be careful, now. Don't fall off.
Aah...
Ehh...
Say, is all this red stuff real?
Well, it should be!
I paid enough for it.
Here's the rope, Tim.
All right, stand up.
Boy, this is going to be fun.
You hold the middle of the
rope 'cause you're the maypole.
Okay.
ALL: ♪ Here we go round the
maypole, the maypole, the maypole ♪
♪ Here we go round the
maypole, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪
♪ Here we go round the maypole,
the maypole, the maypole ♪
♪ Here we go round the
maypole, na, na, na, na, na. ♪
( fanfare playing)
( whooping)
We'll start a fire and
burn her at the stake!
Yeah, these papers
will burn swell.
Fellas, you're kidding, I hope!
Fellas!
Fellas!
Help!
Help!
Help!
You gag her, I'll get the stake.
Help!
Help!
Help!
( muffled screaming)
( twins whooping)
( muffled cry)
( whooping)
How, me get matches.
( muffled yell)
How, paleface get um hot seat.
( muffled scream)
( phone rings)
( muffled shouting)
Hello.
Hello, hello, Jimmy?
Or is it Timmy?
Let me speak to Mrs. Ricardo.
She can't talk now.
( muffled screams)
Timmy, is Mrs. Ricardo on fire?
Not yet.
Well, it's a good
thing for you she isn't!
You know your father said
he would spank you both
if you burn just one
more sitter at the stake!
Now, you let me talk to her!
Oh, all right.
Mom wants to talk to you.
Take the gag out.
Hello.
Hello!
Oh, well, you found
out my little joke.
( laughing)
( mocking her laughter)
Oh, listen, now,
I'm all tied up.
Yeah, well, that
makes two of us.
Uh, I wonder, Mrs. Ricardo,
if you would take my
place with the boys
at the amateur contest tonight.
What?
If you win, I'll let you keep
the prize money... $100.
$100?
Well...
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Ricardo.
I don't... I didn't...
Hello? Hello?
Okay, boys, meet the
new partner in your act.
You're going to do
the act instead of Mom?
Yeah, but I have a
hunch I'd be better off
if I just let you burn
me at the stake.
( boys laugh as
Lucy mocks laughter)
Untie me!
( applause)
Very, very fine.
Wasn't that fine?
That was little, uh...
uh, Willie Mae,
little Willie Mae,
who played the
guitar with her feet.
Well, I'll try playing the
guitar with my hands.
She probably does
better with her feet.
( laughter)
Are you ready,
girls? Here we go.
Oh, this is a song,
a brand-new ballad.
It's called
"I'm Breaking My Back,
Putting Up a Front For You."
A-one, a-two...
( band plays Latin swing music)
♪ I bought a 12-room
house, a mountain lodge ♪
♪ A lemon-yellow
Cadillac in a blue garage ♪
♪ I'm a-breaking my back
putting up a front for you ♪
♪ I bought an aeroplane,
it's just for kicks ♪
♪ Holds twice as many
passengers as a DC-6 ♪
♪ I'm a-breaking my back
putting up a front for you ♪
♪ Oh... say, my heart
goes bang, babe ♪
♪ When I look at
you, sister, I'm gone ♪
♪ Who... gives a hang, babe ♪
♪ If my bank
account's overdrawn? ♪
♪ I'm getting pedicures
and manicures ♪
♪ Just ever since I took a
look at that pan of yours ♪
♪ I'm breaking my back
putting up a front for you ♪
Yeah, let's hear it,
boys, let's hear it!
Yep, ah!
( playing Latin swing)
♪ I own a private train,
it's pure gold leaf ♪
♪ On Friday nights I hook
it onto the Super Chief ♪
♪ Breaking my back
putting up a front for you. ♪
Yeah!
♪ I got a French
valet, a camp-de-aide ♪
♪ A very famous movie
star is my upstairs maid ♪
♪ Breaking my back
putting up a front for you. ♪
Oh, you girl!
♪ Oh... say, my heart
goes bang, babe ♪
♪ When I look at
you, sister, I choke ♪
♪ Who gives a hang, babe? ♪
♪ I'm a Cuban who's
got to go broke ♪
♪ I bought a diamond
ring worth 20 grand ♪
♪ But I would gladly trade
it in for a wedding band ♪
♪ I'm a-breaking my back
putting up a front for you ♪
Oh, yes, you...!
♪ Oh, breaking my back
putting up a front for you. ♪
Hey!
( applause)
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
And now...
the last contestant
of the evening
is, uh...
Mrs. Hudson and the twins.
Uh, are you ready?
Oh, this is your music?
Okay.
They are going to do...
"Ragtime Cowboy Joe."
Here you are, Mr. Rizzo,
"Ragtime Cowboy Joe."
Mrs. Hudson and the twins.
Go ahead.
( playing "Ragtime Cowboy Joe")
( spittoon rings)
( spittoon rings)
( spittoon explodes)
ALL: ♪ He always sings
swinging music to the cattle ♪
♪ As he swings back
and forward in the saddle ♪
♪ On a horse that is
syncopated-gaited ♪
♪ And there's such a funny
meter to the roar of his repeater ♪
♪ How they run when
they hear the feller's gun ♪
♪ Because the
Western folks all know ♪
♪ He's a highfalutin,
scootin', shootin' ♪
♪ Son of a gun from Arizona ♪
♪ Ragtime cowboy,
swing time cowboy ♪
♪ Ragtime cowboy Joe! ♪
( cap guns shooting)
Elmer, you bad frog!
Get back in your box!
Elmer!
What?
Whoa, whoa...
RICK: Conga, conga!
Conga, conga, conga...
( conga music plays)
All right, all right!
( applause)
( cheering)
( applause continues)
Okay, I guess...
I guess there's
no doubt about it.
The winners of our
$100 cash prize...
Mrs. Hudson and the twins.
Here you are, Mrs. Hudson, $100.
Thank you, Mr. Ricardo.
You're welcome.
Lucy!
( applause)
( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)
"I love Lucy" is a
Desilu production.