I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Benefit - full transcript
Lucy gets Ricky to perform with her at a benefit for Ethel's club.
( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)
( theme song ending)
Ha, ha, that's it, partner.
Game and rubber.
How do you like that, Ricky?
We didn't take a single trick.
Yeah. Fortunately, you
only bid six spades... double.
Oh...
When I was leading diamonds
and you didn't have any diamonds,
why didn't you play trumps?
I didn't have any trumps.
I thought you knew that.
Why do you think I was
kicking you under the table?
You didn't kick me.
Well, then, who did I kick?
Is there any liniment
in the house?
Oh, Fred, I'm sorry.
I didn't know I was kicking you.
Oh, I rather enjoyed it.
I thought we were
playing shinsies.
Well, here it is.
14,625 points for us...
and 73 points for you.
Let's see, you owe
us 14,000... at, uh...
let's see five and carry two...
85 cents.
Pay them, Ricky.
I'll get my purse.
( groans)
Yeah, I've been
sitting still too long
I'll tell you that.
Oh, I have, too.
"Shine On Harvest Moon"...
What are you doing
with this old tune, Ricky?
Oh, we're doing it in the show.
You know, an old-fashioned
June moon number.
Yeah?
Here, sit down.
Oh, sing, Ricky.
All right.
♪ Oh, shine on... ♪
BOTH: ♪ Shine on harvest moon ♪
♪ Up in the sky ♪
♪ I ain't had no loving ♪
♪ Since January,
February, June or July ♪
Hey, Fred, you're pretty good.
Aw, sure he is.
Let's take it from the
top again. All right.
ALL: ♪ Oh, shine on,
shine on, harvest moon ♪
♪ Up in the sky ♪
♪ I ain't had no loving ♪
( Lucy screeching along:) ♪ Since
January, February, June or July ♪
♪ Show time ain't no time ♪
♪ To stay outdoors... ♪
♪ And spoon ♪
♪ Shine on... ♪
♪ Shine on... ♪
Hold it, hold it!
Hold it.
Somebody's singing off-key.
Yeah, watch that, will you?
Somebody's singing off-key.
Well, who was it?
Who was it?
Well, there's only
one way to find out.
♪ Ahh. ♪
Fred?
♪ Ahh. ♪
Ethel?
♪ Ahh. ♪
Lucy?
( off-key): ♪ Ahh. ♪
At ease, mounties,
we found our man.
You have not.
I hit the right note.
The piano needs tuning.
Oh, honey, why don't
you just go and sit down
and listen to the
rest of us, huh?
No, either we all
sing or nobody sings.
Well, all right, then.
If nobody wants to sing,
I'll just sing by myself.
ALL: No!
LUCY: Well, of
all the insulting...
Now, honey, come on.
Fix us a snack, huh? I'm hungry.
No, you can't insult me
and then expect me to feed you.
Oh, honey.
Come on, Fred, let's
see what's out there.
Coming, maestro.
Oh, dear, I might just
as well fix it for them.
They'll just get the
kitchen all messy.
No, wait a minute,
Lucy... I want to talk to you.
What about?
Well, come sit down.
You got to help me.
My women's club wants Ricky.
Well, I'd be very glad
to help them out, Ethel,
but I'm not through
with him yet.
No, I didn't mean that.
I mean, we want him to sing
at a benefit my club
is giving next week,
and I can't get up
the nerve to ask him.
You ask him.
Well... how would you
like to have the both of us?
Is that the only way
we can get Ricky?
Never mind that.
Do you want us or don't you?
Well...
all right.
Do you think you
can get him to do it?
Sure, if I wheedle him.
How soon? I got to
have the posters printed
and the signs made for the
front of the theater, you know.
You go ahead and have
them made, I'll work on Ricky.
I'll start on him tonight just
as soon as you and Fred leave.
Oh, good, we'll go right now.
Fred?
Come on, it's getting
late. We gotta go.
But I'm hungry.
Oh, come on.
You can live off
of that till breakfast.
Thanks, Lucy, for
a lovely evening.
Good-bye.
85 cents.
Straighten it up in
the morning, honey.
Okay, dear.
Anything you say.
Hi.
Hello.
You know, I was
watching you tonight.
You're cute.
Thank you.
You sure look handsome
in that smoking jacket.
I do?
Yeah... I love you.
Lucy, what do you want?
Nothing, I just
love you, that's all.
Well, that's nice.
Do you love me?
Sure, I love you.
Would you climb the
highest mountain for me?
Uh-huh.
Would you swim the widest ocean?
Yeah.
Would you do anything
in the world for me?
Yup...
Anything but sing at
Ethel's club next week.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
And who told you?
Fred told me.
Oh, that big blabbermouth.
All right, if that's the
way you feel about it,
I'll just tell Ethel
we can't make it.
What did you say?
I said, I'll just tell Ethel
that we can't make it.
What do you mean "we"?
Well, for your information,
Ethel asked me to
appear at that benefit, too.
I thought perhaps we
could sing a duet together.
Oh, no.
Oh, Ricky,
wouldn't you do it for me?
No.
But I can't...
No.
No!
Lucy, I am not going to appear
at that benefit.
Do you understand?
And I don't want to hear
another word about it, right?
That's better.
( wailing)
( wailing)
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
( wailing)
Now, Lucy!
Lucy!
( wailing louder)
Lucy...
All right, honey, all right.
All right, I'll do it with you.
You will?
Yes, I will.
I have an arrangement
that you might be able to do.
I'll bring it home
tomorrow night
and we can rehearse it.
Oh, Ricky, you're wonderful!
Mmm!
LUCY ( ascending
scale): ♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
( no sound)
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
( no sound)
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
( buzzer sounds)
( buzzer sounds)
( insistent buzzing)
Hi, honey, I forgot my key.
Where's the song,
where's the song?
Is this it?
That's the song.
Ha-ha!
"Auf Wiedersehen"?
That's a nice Cuban melody.
Well, I thought it would
be very good for you.
Well, come on, let's try it.
All right.
Here, give me that.
This is your part,
and this is mine.
All of this is mine?
Yeah.
Oh, honey, that
isn't fair to you.
Well, sweetheart,
you are the star.
( giggles)
So you sing all the words
that are written on your music,
and I'll sing
everything on mine.
Okay. All right?
( clears throat)
Are you ready?
Yep.
Okay, let's try it.
( playing piano)
♪ Come, let us stroll
down lovers' lane ♪
♪ Once more to sing
love's old refrain ♪
♪ Soon we must say... ♪
♪ Auf... ♪
♪ Wiedersehen... ♪
♪ Auf... ♪
♪ Wiedersehen, my dear. ♪
♪ Here in your
arms I can't remain ♪
♪ So let me kiss
you once again ♪
♪ Soon we must say... ♪
♪ Auf... ♪
♪ Wiedersehen... ♪
♪ Auf... ♪
♪ Wiedersehen, my dear. ♪
♪ Your love will cling to me ♪
♪ Through the lonely daytime ♪
♪ Each night will bring to me ♪
♪ The magic memory of Maytime ♪
♪ I know my heart
won't beat again... ♪
♪ Until the day we meet again ♪
♪ Sweetheart, good-bye... ♪
♪ Auf... ♪
♪ Wiedersehen... ♪
♪ Auf... ♪
♪ Wiedersehen, my dear. ♪
What's the matter?
Didn't you like the song?
Auf!
What's wrong with it?
What's wrong with it?
I sound like a hungry seal.
Honey, don't be silly.
The audience will love us.
Well, they might love you, but
they're going throw me a fish.
Ricky Ricardo, you
bring me another song.
Well, I am very sorry, honey,
but that is the only
song that I have
that will fit your voice.
We'll just have to forget
all about the benefit.
Well, you look again,
you'll be able to find me one.
No, I 'wan't.'
Not much you "wan't."
You find me another
song tomorrow
or just "dun't" come home.
( barking): Auf!
Auf!
Auf!
Hey, Lucy, look.
Isn't this wonderful?
Look at that.
Pretty good, huh?
Lucy? What's the matter?
Lucy?
Ricky did say he'd
do it, didn't he?
Lucy?
( banging on piano keys)
This is the right
name, isn't it?
Well, yes, with
one minor change:
Mrs. Ricky Ricardo!
Oh, no...
and the show's tonight.
You were so sure
you could wheedle him.
So you can't get Ricky.
You still have me.
After all, what's Ricky
got that I haven't got,
except a band, a reputation...
And talent.
Well, now, let's not be unkind.
Do you want me or don't you?
Oh, I don't know.
It's too late to have
any new posters printed
and you are Mrs. Ricky Ricardo,
but it's like
expecting Clark Gable
and getting Hubert Grimset.
Hubert Grimset? I
never heard of him.
Exactly.
Well, you must admit,
I'm better than nothing.
There you've got me.
Just what were you intending
to do in this show tonight?
Well, I'm not sure.
I could sing.
( gasps)
But I'm not going to
by popular demand.
I could dance, but I
don't have a partner.
Oh, dear.
Oh...
I know!
Ricky's got a closet full of
costumes left from his shows.
I'll find one that fits me
and I'll build a
whole act around it.
Oh, let me help you.
Haven't you ever
seen this stuff in here?
No. Oh!
We're saving
this stuff for years.
ETHEL: What a treasure trove.
There's more stuff in there
than you can shake a stick at.
Hey, here's a clown suit.
This might do.
Let's see.
You'll get a lot of
laughs with that.
I'll say I will.
Oh, moths.
Yeah.
Hey, what's this?
I don't know.
( gasps)
Why, it's half... half a horse.
Say, those moths were hungrier
than I thought.
Hey, look, here's
the rest of it.
Oh, Ethel!
This is it, this is it!
We'll do a horse act.
But it takes two people
to do a horse act.
Well, what are
you doing tonight?
Me? I'm the chairman.
So?
I guess I could.
Yeah, come on, let's try it on.
Okay.
Lucy!
Ethel!
Now!
Ethel! Oh...
That's your half right there.
No, sir, that's your half.
Ethel, now let's be
sensible about this.
Who's the big name
in this twosome?
I'm Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.
Listen, Lucy, when
you're inside a horse,
it doesn't matter if you're
Mrs. Hubert Grimset.
I'm only doing
this benefit for you.
I should think you could
do this one little thing for me.
Listen, Lucy, even
for sweet charity,
I am not going to be
the back end of a horse.
Ethel, now, be sensible.
Who's going to recognize you?
You just said so yourself.
Well...
Come on, now try it on.
( moaning)
Why do these things
always happen to me?
Take off your shoes.
Take off my shoes? Yes.
Oh. You have to
step into this thing.
This is the front. That's right.
Into the feet? Yeah.
Now, I'll hold on to you.
Oh, if my family in
Albuquerque could see me,
they'd die of shame.
Oh...
Speaking of Albuquerque...
Is it true that your
father drinks goat's milk?
I only hope this fits the
horse better than it does me.
Turn around now.
That's it.
There.
There, that looks wonderful!
Are you sure nobody
can tell who I am?
I defy anybody to recognize you.
Hi, Lucy.
I got something for you.
Hello, Fred.
Hello, Ethel.
What did I tell you?
Oh, now, Ethel...
Fred had to know that
was you in that costume,
didn't you Fred?
What costume?
That's all, brother.
Count me out.
Oh, Ethel!
Oh, no.
Oh, Ethel!
Nothing doing.
Lucy, I stopped by the
club, and Ricky asked me
to bring you this. Music?
It's the number he's
going to do with you tonight
at Ethel's benefit.
Oh, Ethel, he's going to do it!
Thank goodness.
He wants you to look it over,
and he'll join you there later.
He's bringing the
costumes. Oh, wonderful.
"Underneath the Bamboo Tree."
Oh, Ethel, this is that cute
song and dance number
that Ricky had in
the show last year.
I know it backwards.
♪ Da-da... da-da, da-da ♪
♪ Da-da... da-da, da-da... ♪
What's all this?
Oh, those are jokes.
Ricky's got a cane that
he taps on the floor with
when he wants the
music to stop. (tapping)
And you tell one of these jokes.
Oh, good, I love to tell jokes.
Hey, rehearse them
with me, will you, Fred?
Why, sure I will.
♪ Dya-dya... dya-dya, dya-dya ♪
♪ Dya-dya... dya-dya, dya-dya ♪
♪ Dya-dya... dya-dya, dya-dya ♪
Tap, tap, tap.
Tap, tap, tap.
Hi, Lucy.
Hiya, Ricky.
You know, a funny
thing happened to me
on the way to the
theater this evening.
What?
Well, a tramp come
up to me in the street
and told me that he
hadn't had a bite in weeks.
What did you do?
I bit him.
Oh, brother.
You keep out of this, Whirlaway.
Come on, let's get to my jokes.
♪ Da-da... da-da, da-da. ♪
Tap, tap, tap.
Did you hear about...
No, no, no, I
forgot to tell you...
That's Ricky's line. Oh.
Did you hear about the big fire
down at the shoe factory?
What happened?
200 soles were lost.
Ho, ho, ho... what a boffola.
He must be saving
the good jokes for me.
Tap, tap, tap.
You know, there are
two things that I can't...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's Ricky's line, too.
Oh, I was afraid of that.
You know, there are
two things that I can't...
Wait a minute.
Who does he think he is?
He's got all the
funny lines for himself.
Well, I'm not going
to do it with him.
Oh, now, Lucy.
If you don't do it, Ricky won't.
Well, I don't care.
Oh, Lucy, I never
thought I'd live
to ask this question,
but will you please sing
at our benefit tonight?
No.
Oh, please.
No.
I'll be in such a mess.
I told all the women...
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, I got an idea.
Okay, I'll do it.
Good.
You two skedaddle.
I have a little studying to do.
Oh, come on, Fred. Let's
leave her while she's...
All right, all right.
Tap, tap, tap.
( miming)
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Thompson, thank you.
And now, club members and guests
comes the pièce de résistance...
That means the best
part of the evening...
Mr. And Mrs. Ricky Ricardo
in "Songs and Witty Sayings."
( band strikes up jaunty music)
( benefit audience applauding)
♪ We'll build a bungalow
big enough for two ♪
Big enough for two ♪
♪ My honey! ♪
♪ Yes, me and you ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ And when we're married ♪
♪ Happy we'll be... ♪
♪ Under the bamboo... ♪
♪ Underneath the bamboo tree. ♪
( tapping)
Say, Lucy?
Yeah, Ricky.
You know, a funny
thing happened to me
on the way to the
theater tonight.
What?
A tramp came up
to me in the street
and he said he hadn't
had a bite in weeks.
What'd you do, bite him?
♪ If... you'd... be... ♪
♪ M-i-n-e, mine, I'll
be t-h-i-n-e, thine ♪
♪ And I'll l-o-v-e, love
you all the t-i-m-e, time. ♪
( tapping)
Say, Lucy?
Yeah, Ricky.
Did you hear about the big fire
down in the shoe factory?
I'll bet some heel started it.
(sotto voce): You're supposed
to say, "What happened?"
Huh?
"What happened?"
200 soles were lost!
♪ You... are... the... ♪
♪ B-e-s-t, best
of all r-e-s-t, rest ♪
♪ And I'll l-o-v-e, love you ♪
♪ All the t-i-m-e, time. ♪
( tapping)
Go ahead.
(sotto voce): I'm
onto your tricks.
You start it this
time. Go ahead.
Okay.
You know, there are two things
that I can't eat for
breakfast... lunch and dinner.
♪ We'll... have... an... ♪
♪ L-a-r-k, lark up
in the p-a-r-k, park ♪
♪ And I'll k-i-s-s, kiss
you in the d-a-r-k, dark. ♪
( tapping)
Go ahead.
(sotto voce): I
got you this time.
I got a joke that you never
heard in your whole life.
Okay, go ahead,
spill it, brother.
Did you hear about the
girl that was so dumb
that she thought a football
coach had four wheels?
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Four wheels!
( laughing)
( laughing)
How many wheels does it have?
Oh, what's the use?
♪ And when we're
married, happy we'll be ♪
♪ Under the bamboo... ♪
♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh ♪
♪ Under the bamboo... ♪
♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh ♪
♪ Under the bamboo tree. ♪
(applause)
( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)
I Love Lucy is a
Desilu production.
theme song playing)
( theme song ending)
Ha, ha, that's it, partner.
Game and rubber.
How do you like that, Ricky?
We didn't take a single trick.
Yeah. Fortunately, you
only bid six spades... double.
Oh...
When I was leading diamonds
and you didn't have any diamonds,
why didn't you play trumps?
I didn't have any trumps.
I thought you knew that.
Why do you think I was
kicking you under the table?
You didn't kick me.
Well, then, who did I kick?
Is there any liniment
in the house?
Oh, Fred, I'm sorry.
I didn't know I was kicking you.
Oh, I rather enjoyed it.
I thought we were
playing shinsies.
Well, here it is.
14,625 points for us...
and 73 points for you.
Let's see, you owe
us 14,000... at, uh...
let's see five and carry two...
85 cents.
Pay them, Ricky.
I'll get my purse.
( groans)
Yeah, I've been
sitting still too long
I'll tell you that.
Oh, I have, too.
"Shine On Harvest Moon"...
What are you doing
with this old tune, Ricky?
Oh, we're doing it in the show.
You know, an old-fashioned
June moon number.
Yeah?
Here, sit down.
Oh, sing, Ricky.
All right.
♪ Oh, shine on... ♪
BOTH: ♪ Shine on harvest moon ♪
♪ Up in the sky ♪
♪ I ain't had no loving ♪
♪ Since January,
February, June or July ♪
Hey, Fred, you're pretty good.
Aw, sure he is.
Let's take it from the
top again. All right.
ALL: ♪ Oh, shine on,
shine on, harvest moon ♪
♪ Up in the sky ♪
♪ I ain't had no loving ♪
( Lucy screeching along:) ♪ Since
January, February, June or July ♪
♪ Show time ain't no time ♪
♪ To stay outdoors... ♪
♪ And spoon ♪
♪ Shine on... ♪
♪ Shine on... ♪
Hold it, hold it!
Hold it.
Somebody's singing off-key.
Yeah, watch that, will you?
Somebody's singing off-key.
Well, who was it?
Who was it?
Well, there's only
one way to find out.
♪ Ahh. ♪
Fred?
♪ Ahh. ♪
Ethel?
♪ Ahh. ♪
Lucy?
( off-key): ♪ Ahh. ♪
At ease, mounties,
we found our man.
You have not.
I hit the right note.
The piano needs tuning.
Oh, honey, why don't
you just go and sit down
and listen to the
rest of us, huh?
No, either we all
sing or nobody sings.
Well, all right, then.
If nobody wants to sing,
I'll just sing by myself.
ALL: No!
LUCY: Well, of
all the insulting...
Now, honey, come on.
Fix us a snack, huh? I'm hungry.
No, you can't insult me
and then expect me to feed you.
Oh, honey.
Come on, Fred, let's
see what's out there.
Coming, maestro.
Oh, dear, I might just
as well fix it for them.
They'll just get the
kitchen all messy.
No, wait a minute,
Lucy... I want to talk to you.
What about?
Well, come sit down.
You got to help me.
My women's club wants Ricky.
Well, I'd be very glad
to help them out, Ethel,
but I'm not through
with him yet.
No, I didn't mean that.
I mean, we want him to sing
at a benefit my club
is giving next week,
and I can't get up
the nerve to ask him.
You ask him.
Well... how would you
like to have the both of us?
Is that the only way
we can get Ricky?
Never mind that.
Do you want us or don't you?
Well...
all right.
Do you think you
can get him to do it?
Sure, if I wheedle him.
How soon? I got to
have the posters printed
and the signs made for the
front of the theater, you know.
You go ahead and have
them made, I'll work on Ricky.
I'll start on him tonight just
as soon as you and Fred leave.
Oh, good, we'll go right now.
Fred?
Come on, it's getting
late. We gotta go.
But I'm hungry.
Oh, come on.
You can live off
of that till breakfast.
Thanks, Lucy, for
a lovely evening.
Good-bye.
85 cents.
Straighten it up in
the morning, honey.
Okay, dear.
Anything you say.
Hi.
Hello.
You know, I was
watching you tonight.
You're cute.
Thank you.
You sure look handsome
in that smoking jacket.
I do?
Yeah... I love you.
Lucy, what do you want?
Nothing, I just
love you, that's all.
Well, that's nice.
Do you love me?
Sure, I love you.
Would you climb the
highest mountain for me?
Uh-huh.
Would you swim the widest ocean?
Yeah.
Would you do anything
in the world for me?
Yup...
Anything but sing at
Ethel's club next week.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
And who told you?
Fred told me.
Oh, that big blabbermouth.
All right, if that's the
way you feel about it,
I'll just tell Ethel
we can't make it.
What did you say?
I said, I'll just tell Ethel
that we can't make it.
What do you mean "we"?
Well, for your information,
Ethel asked me to
appear at that benefit, too.
I thought perhaps we
could sing a duet together.
Oh, no.
Oh, Ricky,
wouldn't you do it for me?
No.
But I can't...
No.
No!
Lucy, I am not going to appear
at that benefit.
Do you understand?
And I don't want to hear
another word about it, right?
That's better.
( wailing)
( wailing)
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
( wailing)
Now, Lucy!
Lucy!
( wailing louder)
Lucy...
All right, honey, all right.
All right, I'll do it with you.
You will?
Yes, I will.
I have an arrangement
that you might be able to do.
I'll bring it home
tomorrow night
and we can rehearse it.
Oh, Ricky, you're wonderful!
Mmm!
LUCY ( ascending
scale): ♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
( no sound)
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
( no sound)
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
♪ Ahh. ♪
( buzzer sounds)
( buzzer sounds)
( insistent buzzing)
Hi, honey, I forgot my key.
Where's the song,
where's the song?
Is this it?
That's the song.
Ha-ha!
"Auf Wiedersehen"?
That's a nice Cuban melody.
Well, I thought it would
be very good for you.
Well, come on, let's try it.
All right.
Here, give me that.
This is your part,
and this is mine.
All of this is mine?
Yeah.
Oh, honey, that
isn't fair to you.
Well, sweetheart,
you are the star.
( giggles)
So you sing all the words
that are written on your music,
and I'll sing
everything on mine.
Okay. All right?
( clears throat)
Are you ready?
Yep.
Okay, let's try it.
( playing piano)
♪ Come, let us stroll
down lovers' lane ♪
♪ Once more to sing
love's old refrain ♪
♪ Soon we must say... ♪
♪ Auf... ♪
♪ Wiedersehen... ♪
♪ Auf... ♪
♪ Wiedersehen, my dear. ♪
♪ Here in your
arms I can't remain ♪
♪ So let me kiss
you once again ♪
♪ Soon we must say... ♪
♪ Auf... ♪
♪ Wiedersehen... ♪
♪ Auf... ♪
♪ Wiedersehen, my dear. ♪
♪ Your love will cling to me ♪
♪ Through the lonely daytime ♪
♪ Each night will bring to me ♪
♪ The magic memory of Maytime ♪
♪ I know my heart
won't beat again... ♪
♪ Until the day we meet again ♪
♪ Sweetheart, good-bye... ♪
♪ Auf... ♪
♪ Wiedersehen... ♪
♪ Auf... ♪
♪ Wiedersehen, my dear. ♪
What's the matter?
Didn't you like the song?
Auf!
What's wrong with it?
What's wrong with it?
I sound like a hungry seal.
Honey, don't be silly.
The audience will love us.
Well, they might love you, but
they're going throw me a fish.
Ricky Ricardo, you
bring me another song.
Well, I am very sorry, honey,
but that is the only
song that I have
that will fit your voice.
We'll just have to forget
all about the benefit.
Well, you look again,
you'll be able to find me one.
No, I 'wan't.'
Not much you "wan't."
You find me another
song tomorrow
or just "dun't" come home.
( barking): Auf!
Auf!
Auf!
Hey, Lucy, look.
Isn't this wonderful?
Look at that.
Pretty good, huh?
Lucy? What's the matter?
Lucy?
Ricky did say he'd
do it, didn't he?
Lucy?
( banging on piano keys)
This is the right
name, isn't it?
Well, yes, with
one minor change:
Mrs. Ricky Ricardo!
Oh, no...
and the show's tonight.
You were so sure
you could wheedle him.
So you can't get Ricky.
You still have me.
After all, what's Ricky
got that I haven't got,
except a band, a reputation...
And talent.
Well, now, let's not be unkind.
Do you want me or don't you?
Oh, I don't know.
It's too late to have
any new posters printed
and you are Mrs. Ricky Ricardo,
but it's like
expecting Clark Gable
and getting Hubert Grimset.
Hubert Grimset? I
never heard of him.
Exactly.
Well, you must admit,
I'm better than nothing.
There you've got me.
Just what were you intending
to do in this show tonight?
Well, I'm not sure.
I could sing.
( gasps)
But I'm not going to
by popular demand.
I could dance, but I
don't have a partner.
Oh, dear.
Oh...
I know!
Ricky's got a closet full of
costumes left from his shows.
I'll find one that fits me
and I'll build a
whole act around it.
Oh, let me help you.
Haven't you ever
seen this stuff in here?
No. Oh!
We're saving
this stuff for years.
ETHEL: What a treasure trove.
There's more stuff in there
than you can shake a stick at.
Hey, here's a clown suit.
This might do.
Let's see.
You'll get a lot of
laughs with that.
I'll say I will.
Oh, moths.
Yeah.
Hey, what's this?
I don't know.
( gasps)
Why, it's half... half a horse.
Say, those moths were hungrier
than I thought.
Hey, look, here's
the rest of it.
Oh, Ethel!
This is it, this is it!
We'll do a horse act.
But it takes two people
to do a horse act.
Well, what are
you doing tonight?
Me? I'm the chairman.
So?
I guess I could.
Yeah, come on, let's try it on.
Okay.
Lucy!
Ethel!
Now!
Ethel! Oh...
That's your half right there.
No, sir, that's your half.
Ethel, now let's be
sensible about this.
Who's the big name
in this twosome?
I'm Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.
Listen, Lucy, when
you're inside a horse,
it doesn't matter if you're
Mrs. Hubert Grimset.
I'm only doing
this benefit for you.
I should think you could
do this one little thing for me.
Listen, Lucy, even
for sweet charity,
I am not going to be
the back end of a horse.
Ethel, now, be sensible.
Who's going to recognize you?
You just said so yourself.
Well...
Come on, now try it on.
( moaning)
Why do these things
always happen to me?
Take off your shoes.
Take off my shoes? Yes.
Oh. You have to
step into this thing.
This is the front. That's right.
Into the feet? Yeah.
Now, I'll hold on to you.
Oh, if my family in
Albuquerque could see me,
they'd die of shame.
Oh...
Speaking of Albuquerque...
Is it true that your
father drinks goat's milk?
I only hope this fits the
horse better than it does me.
Turn around now.
That's it.
There.
There, that looks wonderful!
Are you sure nobody
can tell who I am?
I defy anybody to recognize you.
Hi, Lucy.
I got something for you.
Hello, Fred.
Hello, Ethel.
What did I tell you?
Oh, now, Ethel...
Fred had to know that
was you in that costume,
didn't you Fred?
What costume?
That's all, brother.
Count me out.
Oh, Ethel!
Oh, no.
Oh, Ethel!
Nothing doing.
Lucy, I stopped by the
club, and Ricky asked me
to bring you this. Music?
It's the number he's
going to do with you tonight
at Ethel's benefit.
Oh, Ethel, he's going to do it!
Thank goodness.
He wants you to look it over,
and he'll join you there later.
He's bringing the
costumes. Oh, wonderful.
"Underneath the Bamboo Tree."
Oh, Ethel, this is that cute
song and dance number
that Ricky had in
the show last year.
I know it backwards.
♪ Da-da... da-da, da-da ♪
♪ Da-da... da-da, da-da... ♪
What's all this?
Oh, those are jokes.
Ricky's got a cane that
he taps on the floor with
when he wants the
music to stop. (tapping)
And you tell one of these jokes.
Oh, good, I love to tell jokes.
Hey, rehearse them
with me, will you, Fred?
Why, sure I will.
♪ Dya-dya... dya-dya, dya-dya ♪
♪ Dya-dya... dya-dya, dya-dya ♪
♪ Dya-dya... dya-dya, dya-dya ♪
Tap, tap, tap.
Tap, tap, tap.
Hi, Lucy.
Hiya, Ricky.
You know, a funny
thing happened to me
on the way to the
theater this evening.
What?
Well, a tramp come
up to me in the street
and told me that he
hadn't had a bite in weeks.
What did you do?
I bit him.
Oh, brother.
You keep out of this, Whirlaway.
Come on, let's get to my jokes.
♪ Da-da... da-da, da-da. ♪
Tap, tap, tap.
Did you hear about...
No, no, no, I
forgot to tell you...
That's Ricky's line. Oh.
Did you hear about the big fire
down at the shoe factory?
What happened?
200 soles were lost.
Ho, ho, ho... what a boffola.
He must be saving
the good jokes for me.
Tap, tap, tap.
You know, there are
two things that I can't...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's Ricky's line, too.
Oh, I was afraid of that.
You know, there are
two things that I can't...
Wait a minute.
Who does he think he is?
He's got all the
funny lines for himself.
Well, I'm not going
to do it with him.
Oh, now, Lucy.
If you don't do it, Ricky won't.
Well, I don't care.
Oh, Lucy, I never
thought I'd live
to ask this question,
but will you please sing
at our benefit tonight?
No.
Oh, please.
No.
I'll be in such a mess.
I told all the women...
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, I got an idea.
Okay, I'll do it.
Good.
You two skedaddle.
I have a little studying to do.
Oh, come on, Fred. Let's
leave her while she's...
All right, all right.
Tap, tap, tap.
( miming)
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Thompson, thank you.
And now, club members and guests
comes the pièce de résistance...
That means the best
part of the evening...
Mr. And Mrs. Ricky Ricardo
in "Songs and Witty Sayings."
( band strikes up jaunty music)
( benefit audience applauding)
♪ We'll build a bungalow
big enough for two ♪
Big enough for two ♪
♪ My honey! ♪
♪ Yes, me and you ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ And when we're married ♪
♪ Happy we'll be... ♪
♪ Under the bamboo... ♪
♪ Underneath the bamboo tree. ♪
( tapping)
Say, Lucy?
Yeah, Ricky.
You know, a funny
thing happened to me
on the way to the
theater tonight.
What?
A tramp came up
to me in the street
and he said he hadn't
had a bite in weeks.
What'd you do, bite him?
♪ If... you'd... be... ♪
♪ M-i-n-e, mine, I'll
be t-h-i-n-e, thine ♪
♪ And I'll l-o-v-e, love
you all the t-i-m-e, time. ♪
( tapping)
Say, Lucy?
Yeah, Ricky.
Did you hear about the big fire
down in the shoe factory?
I'll bet some heel started it.
(sotto voce): You're supposed
to say, "What happened?"
Huh?
"What happened?"
200 soles were lost!
♪ You... are... the... ♪
♪ B-e-s-t, best
of all r-e-s-t, rest ♪
♪ And I'll l-o-v-e, love you ♪
♪ All the t-i-m-e, time. ♪
( tapping)
Go ahead.
(sotto voce): I'm
onto your tricks.
You start it this
time. Go ahead.
Okay.
You know, there are two things
that I can't eat for
breakfast... lunch and dinner.
♪ We'll... have... an... ♪
♪ L-a-r-k, lark up
in the p-a-r-k, park ♪
♪ And I'll k-i-s-s, kiss
you in the d-a-r-k, dark. ♪
( tapping)
Go ahead.
(sotto voce): I
got you this time.
I got a joke that you never
heard in your whole life.
Okay, go ahead,
spill it, brother.
Did you hear about the
girl that was so dumb
that she thought a football
coach had four wheels?
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Four wheels!
( laughing)
( laughing)
How many wheels does it have?
Oh, what's the use?
♪ And when we're
married, happy we'll be ♪
♪ Under the bamboo... ♪
♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh ♪
♪ Under the bamboo... ♪
♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh ♪
♪ Under the bamboo tree. ♪
(applause)
( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)
I Love Lucy is a
Desilu production.