I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 11 - Drafted - full transcript

Ricky and Fred are going to do a show for the Army troops at Fort Dix. To keep Lucy from wanting to be in it, they keep the reason they're going a secret. Lucy and Ethel think they've been drafted.

( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)

( theme song ending)

ETHEL: Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo!

Morning, Lucy, I
brought up your mail.

Thanks, Ethel.

A bill, a bill, a letter
for Ricky, an ad...

Oh, a postcard,
isn't that pretty.

Oh, it's from the Bishers.

"Dear Ricky and Lucy:

"Having a wonderful
time here in Miami.



"Leaving tomorrow
for the uh, uh...

Everglades.

"The Everglades.

"Ben has been fishing

"and last week caught
a 115-pound, uh...

Sailfish.

"Sa..."

Well, go ahead, tell me
what the rest of the card says.

"Getting a wonderful tan.

"We'll call you when
we get home next week.

Love, Edna and Ben."

What time was it postmarked?

4:30.

A.M. or P.M.?



Really, Ethel, I'm
surprised at you!

You know, this is
a federal offense.

If it wasn't for our friendship,

I'd turn you over to the FBI.

Thanks, terribly.

No, really, I mean it.

Reading another
person's mail is just awful.

A person's mail is
something sacred.

It's like, like a diary.

Why, Ricky and I wouldn't think

of reading each other's mail.

Now, take this
letter, for instance.

It's addressed to Ricky,

and it's from the
War Department.

Now, I'm curious, but
I'm certainly not going to...

War Department?!

Gee, you don't
think Ricky's been...

been...

Drafted!

Oh, please, Ethel.

I, I wasn't going
to say it out loud.

Oh, look!

Cheap glue.

"You are hereby
ordered to report

to Fort Dix, New
Jersey, Monday at 3:00."

And it's signed,
"Maurice Thompson,

Colonel Infantry
Commanding Officer."

It's true!

Ricky's been drafted!

Now, Lucy, you've
got to be brave.

I'll be brave.

( wailing)

Is that being brave?

It is for a coward like me.

Oh, now, Lucy, pull
yourself together.

You know what you ought to do?

What?

Go downtown and buy a new hat.

Oh, Ethel, please,

don't make jokes.

I'm not joking.

It'll take your mind
off your troubles.

No use sitting
around here moping.

Well, maybe shopping would help,

and while I'm downtown,
I'll buy some yarn

so I can knit Ricky some
socks to wear with his uniform.

That's a good idea.
Now get your coat.

All right.

Oh, I got to glue this
back together again.

I'll fix it.

I've had lots of
practice at this.

Oh, all right.

Oh, you know, I know where

there's a dilly of a hat!

To take my mind off
my troubles, you know.

Yes.

Yes.

FRED: Ethel!

Hiya, Fred.

Hi, Rick, is Ethel up here?

No, I haven't seen her.

She and Lucy must be
out shopping someplace.

Uh-oh, that'll cost me.

Hey, we got a card
from the Bishers.

They're in Florida.

Yeah, how do you like that guy
catching a 115-pound sailfish?

How did you know that
he caught a hundred and...

Oh, Ethel.

Some people build
model airplanes.

Ethel reads postcards.

Oh, good, I got my orders
to go to Fort Dix Monday.

Orders! Fort Dix!

Hold on, Fred, hold on.

I haven't been drafted.

(whistles) Take it easy.

No, I'm just taking a show
down there to entertain the boys,

and you know how the Army is.

You can't even scratch
yourself without orders.

A show! Hey, that
ought to be a lot of fun.

Well, why don't you come along?

You can do one of your
old Vaudeville routines?

Great! You know, I used to
do a Civil War act in Vaudeville.

I played the North, and
my partner played the South.

I still got the costumes.

Really?

Want to do it with me?

Why sure, I'll
be perfect for it...

Stonewall Ricardo

from south Havana.

I'll show you how
the thing goes.

All right, Fred.

Hey, I can use that broom there

for the musket.

♪ Ta da... ♪

( humming "Dixie")

Uh-oh, we're supposed to
go out to dinner Monday night,

but I'll just tell Ethel
I'd rather do this.

Look, whatever you do,

don't tell Ethel
where you're going

because if you tell
Ethel, she'll tell Lucy,

and Lucy will want
to get into the act.

Well, why don't you let her
sing a song or something?

It wouldn't be patriotic.

Patriotic?

Have you ever heard Lucy sing?

No.

Our fighting men have
been through enough.

Okay, not a word to Ethel.

I'll just tell her I'm not
available Monday night,

and I won't tell her why.

And boy, that'll
drive her crazy.

( both chuckling)

Now, spread out and I'll
show you how this thing...

Okay. Spread out.

♪ Ta da... ♪
( humming "Dixie")

Hi.

Hi.

Ricky, did you
read the mail, dear?

Mm-hmm.

Well?

Well, what?

Well, was there anything
interesting or different?

No...

Oh, oh, yes, there
was something.

Oh? What?

Ben Bisher caught
a 115-pound sailfish.

Oh. Don't you have anything
else to tell me, Ricky?

About what?

About, about, about...

( wailing)

what's new.

Lucy, are you all right?

I'm fine.

Well, honey, what
are you crying about?

Did something happen?

Yes, yes, that's it,
something happened.

Well, what?

Well, I-I-I bought a new hat

and I don't know
if you'll like it.

Oh, honey, is that all?

Well, let me see it.

Oh, all right.

Why, honey, I like it.

It's real cute.

I'm glad.

Hi, Ethel.

Hi.

It's all true, Ethel.

Ricky's been drafted
and he's trying to spare me

by not telling me about it.

( wailing)

Oh, Ethel, you're
such a good friend

to take my troubles so hard.

Thanks, but I've got
troubles of my own.

Fred just told me he's
going with Ricky Monday.

What?

He wouldn't tell me where,
bless his fat little heart.

You mean, he's been drafted?

No, they're not that hard up.

He must have enlisted.

( wailing)

Ethel, we got to pull
ourselves together.

If our men are going to be

so brave and so wonderful,

the least we can do is make it

as easy as possible for them.

Yes.

I'm knitting some
socks for Fred, too.

That's nice.

We got to be brave, Lucy.

Brave.

We've got to keep
a stiff upper lip.

Stiff.

( wailing)

Halt! Parade rest!

♪ Ta da... ♪

( humming "Dixie")

Right shoulder, arms!

One, two, three!

No, no, no, no!

Who told you to
throw your gun away?

I'm sorry, Fred.

Oh, you're sorry.

What good does that do me?

Come on, now, try it again.

All right.

Left face!

Forward march!

Hut!

Hut!

Hut!

Hut!

(coughs)

What's the matter
with you, Ricky?

Why did you hut it?

I didn't hut it, I was coughing!

Well, how can I know whether
you're coughing or hutting?

I don't know where you're going.

I'm going this way,
and you hut, hut, hut.

You've been doing
it all afternoon.

Now, what's the matter with you?

Well, I'm sorry, Fred.

I just don't seem to
be able to concentrate.

I'm, I'm worried.

About what?

Well, maybe you can help me.

You've been married for
a long while, haven't you?

Now, why bring that up when
we're having such a good time?

Well, maybe you know
women better than I do.

Lucy's been acting
strange lately.

Strange? How can you tell?

Look, I'm serious.

I mean, for one thing,
sh-sh-she breaks into tears

for no reason at all,

and she seems terribly nervous.

And the other day, I
walked into the room

and she hid whatever she
was doing behind her back.

It looked like knitting.

Knitting?!

Yeah.

Well, Ricky, my
boy, congratulations!

Congratulations?

Why, it's as plain as
the nose on your face.

You're going to be a father.

Me? Father?

When a woman
cries for no reason,

sits down and
knits tiny little things,

what else?

Me? Father?

Of course!

Me? Father?

Yeah, you father, Lucy mother,

me Tarzan!

Oh, gosh.

Well, now that we've
straightened out

your paternal status,
let's go on with the routine.

Okay.

Of course, it could
be something else.

When are you going to
take facts like I do, Ricky?

Ethel is nervous
and weepy lately, too.

She's been
knitting little things

and hiding them from me.

But you don't think that I...

that I...

No! Oh, no!

Fred!

Congratulations, old boy!

Imagine that, both of them!

I can't imagine it.

Isn't that wonderful!

Let's give them a shower.

What for?

I mean a surprise party shower.

And-and we can try
our act out on the crowd.

All right, we'll give them a
surprise party Sunday night

before we leave for Fort Dix.

Good deal!

Gee whiz, Lucy's
going to be a mother

and I'm going to be a father.

I know just how you feel, son.

Ethel's going to be a mother

and I'm going
to be a f... f... f...

Ethel, does this look right?

Right for what?

Well, you don't have
to get nasty about it.

I suppose yours is
going to win a prize.

It's better than yours.

Let's see.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Gee, I guess I'm
past the sock stage.

I'd better try for a blanket.

I think you're past
the blanket stage.

You'd better try for a tent.

Oh, well, I'm surprised
we can knit at all,

what with our husbands
going into the Army.

Our two wonderful little boys.

Yeah. Gee, they're so
anxious to be good soldiers.

You know what they were doing

when I went up to the
apartment a little while ago?

What?

Drilling.

Drilling. Yeah.

Marching up and down
with a broom and a mop.

Aw... I wish there was something
more we could do for them

besides just knitting
socks and tents.

I know, let's give them
a going-away party.

A surprise party!

Yeah, we'll give it Sunday
night just before they leave.

That's a wonderful idea.

Who will we ask?

Well, let's see now,
there's the Sedgewicks,

the Orsattis, the
Bezelles, Billy Josefi...

Ethel, do you think the boys
found out about the party tonight?

No. They can't think about
anything but going into the Army.

Yeah. Gee, this is their
last night as civilians.

Now, remember, we're not
going to argue with them,

no matter what happens.

I wouldn't think of it.

Where are they now?

They're downstairs drilling.

Bless their little britches.

Now, here's the
plan for the party:

I told everybody that I'd
leave the front door unlocked.

Unlocked. Yeah.

And that they should tiptoe
in and hide someplace.

How we gonna keep the boys
occupied so they won't notice?

Oh, now, don't worry.

We'll manage some way.

Who left this door unlocked?

I don't know.

Listen, do you think the
girls suspect anything

about the party tonight?

No, with all that knitting

and acting like little mothers,

they don't know
anything else is going on.

Listen, I told everybody

that I was going to leave
the back door unlocked,

and that they should
sneak in through the kitchen.

So I want you to keep
your eye on the kitchen door.

Well, how we gonna
hide them from the girls?

Well, look, whenever
the people start coming in,

we'll just have to
figure out some way

to get the girls back
into the bedroom.

Watch it now, here they come.

I don't know.

Oh, hi, fellas.

Hi. Hiya, girls.

( all chuckling nervously)

( all start speaking at once)

( knock at door)

Did you hear anything?

I thought I did.

( knock at door)

I think someone's at the door.

I'll get it.

No, no, I'll get it!

I'll get it!

Oh, all right.

No, there's no one here.

Ricky, would you get me a
drink of water, please, dear?

Oh, all right.

I'd like a glass of
water, too, Fred.

Well, I'll get them both.

No! No!

I can't drink a glass of water

unless Fred brings it to me

with his own little hands.

Okay, I'll get them both.

No! No!

Ricky... Ricky, honey, you
wouldn't want me to have anything

that you didn't bring
me your little ol' self,

now, would you, baby?

Well, honey, what difference
would it make whether I...

Well, it does make a
difference, though, honey.

I can't tell you
exactly what it is,

but there is a difference.

All right, all right.

Well, we'll both go.

LUCY: Okay.

Shh!

Where?

The closet!

Shh! Shh!

Who locked that door?

Well, unlock it.

We brought you milk.

Milk?

It's better for you.

Oh, thanks.

How's the milk, girls?

ETHEL: Fine.

LUCY: It's all right
if you like milk.

Uh, Lucy...

Hmm?

Your nose is shiny.

It is? I just powdered it.

Well, stand-stand
still a minute, will you?

I want to see how my hair looks.

Oh, you!

Okay, I'll go powder it.

Ethel's nose is shiny, too.

It is not, is it, Fred?

Well, I can't tell,

there's such a bright
reflection coming off of it.

Now, listen, Fred Mertz, it...

Oh, all right.

I'll go powder my nose.

Where?

The closet!

Shh!

Well, here we are.

Do we look any better?

Oh, yes, fine. Look great now.

Uh, Ricky, I'm thirsty again.

Would you get me a
drink of water, dear?

Well, honey, you haven't
finished this one yet.

Oh.

More milk.

Ethel, you just had
a full glass of milk.

I don't know why I seem
to be so thirsty tonight.

ETHEL: I must have had
something salty for dinner.

All right, all right,
more milk, more milk.

I'll get you some
more, too, honey.

All right.

Shh!

The closet?

The closet.

Here you are, girls.

Uh, Lucy?

What?

Your nose is shiny again.

Oh, now, Ricky, really,
it couldn't be shiny...

Oh, all right, dear.

And Ethel, your...

I know, I'm going.

Where?

The closet! The closet!

Hey, Fred, come on,
I got a wonderful idea.

Good.

( guffawing)

Oh, Lucy, you're crazy!

I'm glad you kids didn't
lose your sense of humor.

Why should we lose
our sense of humor?

Yeah.

Well, you know how women act

when they're in your condition.

My condition?
What's my condition?

Well, honey...

The same as Ethel's.

Ethel's?

Sure, we know all about it.

Come on, honey, sit down.

You have to take it
real easy, you know,

and have a good rest,

be real comfortable
all the time.

Fred, what are you
talking about, condition?

Come on, darling, sit down now.

Why? Just take it easy.

( humming lullaby)

Coochie, coochie,
coochie, coochie.

Now, wait a minute.

You guys act like somebody's
going to have a baby.

Well, someone is.

( gasps)

Well, don't look at me!

( gasps)

Well, don't look at me!

Well, don't look at us!

Well, what made you think

anybody was going
to have a baby?

Well what were all those little
things that you were knitting?

Yeah. Knitting!

Oh, honey, we
were knitting socks

for you and Fred to
take to Fort Dix tomorrow.

Oh.

You knew about that?

Yes, and we're just dying
to see you in your uniforms.

Well, come on, Rick,
let's put them on.

Yeah, we'll put them
on! Let's go, Fred!

We'll put them right on.

Oh, imagine them thinking
we were going to have babies!

Yeah, they certainly can jump
at some wrong conclusions.

Yeah. Gee, I wish there were

some wrong conclusions
that we could jump to.

RICKY: Are you ready, girls?!

Yes! Yeah, we're ready.

Ooh, we're going to get
to see our soldier boys!

RICKY: Are you
ready, Colonel Mertz?

Colonel?

FRED: Ready, General Ricardo!

General?

( humming "Dixie")

Ethel, they're fighting
on opposite sides!

( all laughing)

Oh, Ricky, you should have seen

the expression on your face!

Well, honey, how was
I supposed to know?

Well, we all did some pretty
fancy jumping to conclusions!

You know what? What?

We invited everyone here

for a going-away party!

No kidding!

Well, you know something?

We invited them
over here for a shower.

A shower?

( laughter)

ALL: The closet!

Oh, look at these poor people!

Easy!

Easy!

Easy!

Pull them apart!
Pull them apart!

Unglue, unglue.

Unglue them there,
pull them apart!

Oh, sorry.

ANNOUNCER: Lucy and Ricky
will be back with a little surprise.

Stand by.

( clock chiming)

( screaming)

( all laughing)

Oh, look!

Fred! Ethel! Lucy!

Fred!

Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!

( all laughing)

Merry Christmas, Fred.

We're all Santa Clauses.

Yeah.

How about that.

Let's put our presents
under the tree.

Okay, okay, here we go.

Oh, that's nice.

( laughter)

Gee!

Hey, Santa, you put on

a little weight, didn't you?

How about you?

Yeah.

How about you, Ethel?

Fred, where'd you ever
find such a big pillow?

Huh? Why aren't
you answering me?

I'm not wearing a pillow.

Oh!

Come on, let's
open all our presents.

All right.

Okay.

Oh, no, no, let's sing first.

Sing? Sing? Sing?

Well, yeah.

Everything is so wonderful,

and spending Christmas
with our good friends...

I just feel like
serenading the world.

Okay.

I know a wonderful Cuban melody.

It's called "Cascabeles."

FRED: Well, let's hear it.

Go ahead, sing it. All right.

♪ Cascabeles, cascabeles ♪

♪ Cantan todo el día ♪

♪ Cascabeles, cascabeles ♪

♪ Traen la alegria ♪

Hey!

That's "Jingle Bells."

"Jingle Bells"?

Sure.

Well, how about that.

You Americans steal
all our good songs.

( laughing)

Hey, let's all sing it,
huh, Santa Clauses?

All right. All right. All right.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Hey! Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Dashing through the snow,
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ O'er the fields we go,
laughing all the way ♪

♪ Bells on bobtail ring,
making spirits bright ♪

♪ What fun it is
to ride and sing ♪

♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ Oh, jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh. ♪

( laughing merrily)

Ow!

ALL: Merry Christmas, everybody!

("I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)