I Hate My Teenage Daughter (2011–2012): Season 1, Episode 2 - Teenage Family Night - full transcript
Hey, I'm headed
to the supermarket. Do you...
A little lady porn
in the morning.
To help start your day off
right?
No.
I'm looking
at mackenzie's facebook page.
How did you get on?
I've been trying to get sophie.
To accept my friend request
for a year.
Mackenzie wouldn't friend me
either,
So I made up a fake profile.
"Tommy skateboard"?
I went with "tommy" because
girls like boys named tommy.
And I went with "skateboard"
Because I had some
peach schnapps this morning.
I love how happy
you make yourself.
So tommy skateboard
joined this morning,
And 20 minutes later,
Mackenzie and sophie accepted
his friend request.
Wanna see sophie's page?
Oh.
I mean, isn't that an invasion
of her privacy?
Uh-huh.
That's what facebook's for.
Okay, let me see the page.
Okay, "hometown... austin,
favorite band... arcade fire,
Relationship status...
it's complicated."
"it's complicated"?
Pfft! What's... what's complicated
about a relationship at 14?
Wait. What relationship?
I didn't know sophie was
interested in a boy.
Wait.
What if it's not a boy? Maybe
that's why it's complicated.
That's it then.
Sophie's gay.
Excuse me while I pray for
a little tolerance in the world.
♪
Captioned by
closed captioning services, inc.
Mackenzie posted that her dream
after high school is.
To go to culinary school.
Had no idea.
She ever mention that to you?
No. Last I heard,
she was gonna be a princess.
Who lived on a rainbow
with her nana and six puppies.
But that was a while back.
I hate that they share
all this personal information.
With 500 of their "friends,"
but they don't talk to us.
They're 14-year-old girls.
Do you really want
to talk to them?
It's pretty normal, isn't it?
I mean, did any of you
talk to your parents.
When you were their age?
I tried.
But when I told them I had
a crush on the pastor's son,
They locked me in my room.
Until I'd fasted the lust
from my heart.
But, yeah, we talked.
I can't believe I have to
go on the computer.
To find out what's going on
with my kid.
We should do something, annie.
Hey, why don't we start having
family night again.
Like we used to?
That was so much fun.
Why did we ever stop doing that?
Because you all got divorced.
So just 'cause we're divorced.
Doesn't mean
we're not still a family.
Actually, legally...
Actually, shut it.
I agree with annie. Just because
we're not married any more.
Doesn't mean we can't hang out
together.
Gary and I have kept our divorce
very friendly.
Yeah, we have.
So why are we gonna ruin it.
By spending more time together?
We're doing this for the girls.
There's gonna be girls there?
Our daughters, dumb-ass.
Dumb-ass. Nice.
Family night...
really looking forward to it.
All right, it's settled.
My place Wednesday night.
We are in.
Wait a minute.
Is this an intervention?
'Cause I've been doing
really well lately.
Enjoy your family night
with the girls.
And here is something I picked
up from one of my clients.
That might come in handy...
"rush a gun. Run from a knife."
Okay. Hey. You know what?
I mean, if you want to,
why don't you stop by?
I mean, for sophie.
I don't care what you do. I
mean, it's only if you want to.
God, stop pestering me.
Okay. I'm in court
all day Wednesday,
But I'll swing by after.
Thanks for the invite.
See you.
Bye.
- Bye, buddy.
- Mm-hmm.
Nice.
What?
Inviting jack to family night.
Nice.
Oh, calm down. He was sitting
here listening to us.
I don't care
if he comes or not.
I just didn't want him
to feel left out.
Why don't you just admit
you have a crush on jack?
Because tommy skateboard has
a big mouth...
And she drinks peach schnapps
for breakfast.
Come in.
Hello!
Hello!
- Hey, gary.
- You ready for this?
Got a cold beer?
Got a six-pack in the fridge.
I love family night.
And you know what's gonna make
family night even more fun?
No... Cell phones.
Put 'em in the bowl.
Wait. Are you serious?
Like, for real?
Tonight we are not gonna have
any outside distractions.
No cell phones, television,
no computers.
This is
how horror movies start.
You, too, nik.
I can't.
I'm expecting a phone call
from bitsy letterman.
She's getting her breasts, neck,
and thighs done all in one day.
They call it the full chicken.
If she survives,
I'm gonna get it done, too.
You want to look like bitsy?
Her eyes are where her ears
used to be.
She looks like
a hammerhead shark with bangs.
Put it in the bowl.
You too, gary. No cell phones.
Fine with me.
I don't want to get any calls
anyway.
I'm going to take a little nap.
What's wrong with you?
I got a call at 4:00 a.M.
That the swan on the big water
hazard was hatching her eggs.
They made you go in for that?
Made me?
Have you ever seen a baby swan
open her eyes.
When the sun is rising?
It was majestic.
Okay, well,
Wake up, 'cause we are
about to have so much fun!
We are gonna play board games
and eat pizza.
And talk to each other.
And find out what's going on in
each ether's lives.
Okay! What did we do?!
Just tell us
and we'll say we're sorry!
Girls, don't be rude.
I'm trying to sleep over here.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
No cell phones on family night.
Oh, yeah, totally.
Happy to participate.
Fully supporting family night.
But I only got 20 minutes.
So group hugs, trust falls...
what are we doing?
What?
My bass player quit.
We're playing tomorrow night
in colorado.
I gotta find a new guy.
Come on, matt.
This is important for sophie.
Besides, who really needs
a bass player?
They just stand in the back
and go...
♪ dum, dum, dum, dum ♪
second song.
♪ dum, dum, dum, dum ♪
The bass players are
extremely important, annie.
They take the ugly groupies.
All right.
I am gonna go order
the pizza now,
Which means
that the family night train.
Has officially left the station.
Whoo-whoo!
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
When you were 8, that made you
shoot milk out of your nose.
Cloud cat? Rain cat?
- Mud cat.
- Black dot mud cat.
Arrows. Indian cat.
It's a shooting star
black dot mud cat!
It's a leopard.
Then why... why didn't you draw
the black spots on the cat?
Why indeed?
Gary, you guys are up.
Okay, nikki, can you do
something to wake him up?
He is bringing down the room.
I'll go get him a soda.
Anyone else want anything?
Maybe some ham and cheese.
For everyone to nibble on.
Great idea.
I don't know why the hostess
didn't think of it.
Okay, girls, that is not okay.
You need something
a little heavier.
Leopard.
Bitsy.
Don't hang up. Don't hang up.
Don't hang up.
Hello. Is this bitsy?
Are you alive?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I-I... gary and I have
the exact same phone.
And I picked his up
by accident.
Who is this?
Well, hello, monica.
Can I give gary a message?
Left his jacket at your house.
Got it.
Now I have
a little message for you.
Nikki!
I said no cell phones!
I know. I'm sorry.
I just found out that gary was
out with a girl last night.
She keeps hanging up on me.
Hey, monica,
we got disconnected.
Let me finish my thought.
If I ever see
your whore face...
She hung up on me again.
Okay, listen, nikki,
I get why you are upset,
But you and gary have been
divorced for seven months.
I know, but I didn't know
that he was dating already.
I know.
Look, I know it sucks.
I mean, there's still
a little tiny part of me.
That gets upset when I see matt
with other women.
It hurt worse
when we were still married.
But, honey, you are gonna have
to rise above this.
And do what's best
for mackenzie.
I don't know if I can
look at gary in the face.
I just want to kill him.
I know. Look, let's just
get through tonight.
And tomorrow,
I am with you 100%.
We can kill him and throw his
body in his precious swan pond.
Oh, annie.
Thank you.
That's beautiful.
Uh...
I refuse to guess on that.
It's a line
with three circles on it.
Unacceptable. Draw better.
Mount rushmore.
That's my girl!
She just...
she gets me like nobody else.
Oh, gary, I'm gonna miss you.
Okay.
Nikki, it's your turn.
Do you want me to go?
No. No, I'm fine.
Really, I'm fine.
Attagirl. Rising above.
Oh, my god.
You know about monica.
Seriously, you guys should play
this game professionally.
Look, I have every right
to date.
We're divorced. How did you
even find out about her?
Because I answered your cell
phone by mistake, that's how.
Your girlfriend sounds like
a total skank, by the way.
Raspy voice?
Get over yourself.
See, this is exactly why I said
no cell phones on family night.
No, annie, this is
why divorced families.
Don't have family night.
I can't believe you're dating already!
We are divorced!
We've only been divorced seven months!
D-I-v-o-r...
Okay, stop it!
We are not here
to fight tonight.
Tonight is for the kids.
Now, please, let's not ruin
this precious time.
We have
with our beautiful daughters.
Where are
our beautiful daughters?
Good god, I haven't worked this
hard to keep people in a room.
Since my mama sent me next door
to convert the cohens.
All right, everybody,
Minor setback,
but we are back on track.
Now remember,
we are all divorced,
So we cannot hurt each other
any more.
All right, new game.
Each one of these cards
has a topic on it.
You just pick and talk.
Pick and talk.
"would you rather meet
your great grandparents.
Or your great grandchildren"?
I'd rather meet amber...
At the mall.
Here, mackenzie. I'll get us
started.
"I have a boyfriend, too."
It doesn't say that.
Yes, it does. I have
a boyfriend named reggie.
He loves massaging my feet.
They do not terrify him.
Okay. Let me pick a question.
"What the hell is wrong
with you?"
Oh! Okay.
There's the pizza, people.
Back on track.
Whoo-whoo!
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
God, I need some new material.
Hey. I'm looking for matt.
Hey.
Thanks for coming by, dude.
No problem.
I called a couple of bass
players to come by and audition.
Excuse us a second.
Matt, get him out of here.
I mean, nikki's going crazy,
the girls are trying to escape,
And you want to audition
bass players
'cause you can't have one
concert without your precious...
♪ dum, dum, dum, dum ♪
I mean,
like anybody would notice.
Hey.
Come on, annie.
Don't make fun
of the bass player to his face.
That's basic
rock 'n' roll code.
Hey!
Mack, what's the matter, babe?
I'm so bored!
And I can't even text my friends
to tell them how I feel.
And we don't know
how they feel either.
It's like we're dead.
Sorry about that, guys.
Okay, whose turn is it?
Still mine.
"Reggie lives on a houseboat."
Okay, you know what?
I give up.
I did everything I could to make
this night fun for you guys,
But you are not even trying.
I just wanted us to communicate.
But you know what?
It's a different time.
I get it.
Just tweet me
if you're ever in trouble.
I'll always be there.
Wait. It's my turn.
"If you could only have one
last meal, what would it be?"
Well, that's easy.
Mom's mac and cheese.
I am not even kidding you.
The littlest baby swan
walked right up to me.
And started pecking
on my shoelace.
I think he thought
it was a worm.
Silly swan.
Aw! Daddy, daddy,
I want to see them.
Me, too.
Me, too.
What? You have a monopoly
on liking baby animals?
Oh, it's the pizza.
I'll get it.
Hey.
Hey.
You're not pizza.
Annie, this is dominique.
This is
my ex-sister-in-law annie.
I told jack that we could do
dinner some other night.
I hope I'm not intruding.
Of course not!
You are absolutely beautiful.
I mean, welcome.
Not beautiful.
Not that you're not beautiful
because you are.
I mean, congratulations
on your beauty and everything.
Aw. Thank you, annie.
Oh, no, thank you.
Oh, my god.
That was weird, huh?
Why did I do that?
We just met, huh?
What the hell?
I just kissed
your impossibly soft hand.
I am a real life crazy person.
Hey, real life crazy person,
can we come inside?
Uh-huh. Come in. Come in.
Come in. Yeah.
Oh! What is wrong with me?
Look, everybody.
It's jack and his,
um, oh, gosh...
What, girlfriend?
Date? Lover?
Would you like to go
in the kitchen with me?
Why? She hasn't answered
the question yet.
Date? Girlfriend? Lover?
Excuse us.
Okay.
Why won't she answer me?
Just a half an hour ago,
You told me to put a lid
on my crazy,
And here you are letting your
crazy spill all over the place.
That's just not fair.
I'm sorry.
I don't know. I just got...
I got caught off guard a little.
What is wrong with me?
You're hurt.
The guy you like brought a date
to your house.
I don't like him.
Annie!
I can't like him!
It is wrong to be attracted
to your ex-brother-in-law.
It's like something
from the bible.
Oh, boy.
I'm gonna get smote for sure.
Listen, you can't help
being attracted to someone.
When it happens,
it just happens,
Like with me and reggie.
Reggie is not real.
There are millions of guys
in the world.
Why do I have to like jack?
Wine glasses?
There. They're right there.
He heard.
He didn't.
Oh. He heard me say
I like him.
Oh, my god, nikki.
He didn't.
He was still outside.
You weren't talking that loud.
He heard!
Listen, I'll show you.
I'll go outside. You say it
again just like you did,
And I'll tell you
if I heard it.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay, that's a good idea.
Go. Go, go, go, go.
Okay.
All right.
So I was standing
right about here.
I was turned a little like this.
Here we go.
There are millions of guys
in the world.
Why do I have to like jack?
Wine opener?
Pizza's here!
Wow. So your band is playing
at red rocks?
Yeah, we're heading
to colorado tomorrow.
You know, I could leave you
a ticket if you think you...
No.
What?
No.
No, I was just...
I know. And no.
I know you have every right to
be intimate with someone else.
I mean, I know that in here...
But I'm having a problem
with it here...
And also a little bit here...
Hey, I get it.
It's just gonna take us
some time to get used to this.
It was the right thing to do,
though.
The divorce, I mean.
Honey, our passion ran
light and dark,
And towards the end,
mostly just dark.
My doctor said I had
to give up you or salt.
And you know I love my salt.
You're gonna lose your foot,
gary.
Hey, mom.
I just wanted to say thanks.
Tonight was
actually kind of fun.
Yeah, I mean, maybe we could
do it again next week.
Well, absolutely.
You girls were really sweet
tonight.
Hey, you wanna help me
clean up some things?
God, you ruin everything.
Hey.
Hey.
Um, I...
This is really awkward,
but would it be rude if we left?
Dominique is starving, and she
doesn't eat carbs or dairy.
She sounds like
a barrel of laughs.
Yeah. Sure.
But I mean, that's why you're
leaving, right? No other reason?
Of course.
But it is your family night,
and I feel like I'm butting in.
You're a part of the family.
I know you mean that
as a compliment, but...
Get out of here.
Hey, is annie okay?
Oh, yeah. She's fine.
She's totally into you.
You know that, right?
What? No.
Where did you get that?
Well, she acted kind of weird
when she saw me with you.
Oh, don't get me wrong,
she's a bona fide nut job,
But she's not into me.
Okay.
Although there was
that weird vibe.
When I went into the kitchen.
Nut job.
to the supermarket. Do you...
A little lady porn
in the morning.
To help start your day off
right?
No.
I'm looking
at mackenzie's facebook page.
How did you get on?
I've been trying to get sophie.
To accept my friend request
for a year.
Mackenzie wouldn't friend me
either,
So I made up a fake profile.
"Tommy skateboard"?
I went with "tommy" because
girls like boys named tommy.
And I went with "skateboard"
Because I had some
peach schnapps this morning.
I love how happy
you make yourself.
So tommy skateboard
joined this morning,
And 20 minutes later,
Mackenzie and sophie accepted
his friend request.
Wanna see sophie's page?
Oh.
I mean, isn't that an invasion
of her privacy?
Uh-huh.
That's what facebook's for.
Okay, let me see the page.
Okay, "hometown... austin,
favorite band... arcade fire,
Relationship status...
it's complicated."
"it's complicated"?
Pfft! What's... what's complicated
about a relationship at 14?
Wait. What relationship?
I didn't know sophie was
interested in a boy.
Wait.
What if it's not a boy? Maybe
that's why it's complicated.
That's it then.
Sophie's gay.
Excuse me while I pray for
a little tolerance in the world.
♪
Captioned by
closed captioning services, inc.
Mackenzie posted that her dream
after high school is.
To go to culinary school.
Had no idea.
She ever mention that to you?
No. Last I heard,
she was gonna be a princess.
Who lived on a rainbow
with her nana and six puppies.
But that was a while back.
I hate that they share
all this personal information.
With 500 of their "friends,"
but they don't talk to us.
They're 14-year-old girls.
Do you really want
to talk to them?
It's pretty normal, isn't it?
I mean, did any of you
talk to your parents.
When you were their age?
I tried.
But when I told them I had
a crush on the pastor's son,
They locked me in my room.
Until I'd fasted the lust
from my heart.
But, yeah, we talked.
I can't believe I have to
go on the computer.
To find out what's going on
with my kid.
We should do something, annie.
Hey, why don't we start having
family night again.
Like we used to?
That was so much fun.
Why did we ever stop doing that?
Because you all got divorced.
So just 'cause we're divorced.
Doesn't mean
we're not still a family.
Actually, legally...
Actually, shut it.
I agree with annie. Just because
we're not married any more.
Doesn't mean we can't hang out
together.
Gary and I have kept our divorce
very friendly.
Yeah, we have.
So why are we gonna ruin it.
By spending more time together?
We're doing this for the girls.
There's gonna be girls there?
Our daughters, dumb-ass.
Dumb-ass. Nice.
Family night...
really looking forward to it.
All right, it's settled.
My place Wednesday night.
We are in.
Wait a minute.
Is this an intervention?
'Cause I've been doing
really well lately.
Enjoy your family night
with the girls.
And here is something I picked
up from one of my clients.
That might come in handy...
"rush a gun. Run from a knife."
Okay. Hey. You know what?
I mean, if you want to,
why don't you stop by?
I mean, for sophie.
I don't care what you do. I
mean, it's only if you want to.
God, stop pestering me.
Okay. I'm in court
all day Wednesday,
But I'll swing by after.
Thanks for the invite.
See you.
Bye.
- Bye, buddy.
- Mm-hmm.
Nice.
What?
Inviting jack to family night.
Nice.
Oh, calm down. He was sitting
here listening to us.
I don't care
if he comes or not.
I just didn't want him
to feel left out.
Why don't you just admit
you have a crush on jack?
Because tommy skateboard has
a big mouth...
And she drinks peach schnapps
for breakfast.
Come in.
Hello!
Hello!
- Hey, gary.
- You ready for this?
Got a cold beer?
Got a six-pack in the fridge.
I love family night.
And you know what's gonna make
family night even more fun?
No... Cell phones.
Put 'em in the bowl.
Wait. Are you serious?
Like, for real?
Tonight we are not gonna have
any outside distractions.
No cell phones, television,
no computers.
This is
how horror movies start.
You, too, nik.
I can't.
I'm expecting a phone call
from bitsy letterman.
She's getting her breasts, neck,
and thighs done all in one day.
They call it the full chicken.
If she survives,
I'm gonna get it done, too.
You want to look like bitsy?
Her eyes are where her ears
used to be.
She looks like
a hammerhead shark with bangs.
Put it in the bowl.
You too, gary. No cell phones.
Fine with me.
I don't want to get any calls
anyway.
I'm going to take a little nap.
What's wrong with you?
I got a call at 4:00 a.M.
That the swan on the big water
hazard was hatching her eggs.
They made you go in for that?
Made me?
Have you ever seen a baby swan
open her eyes.
When the sun is rising?
It was majestic.
Okay, well,
Wake up, 'cause we are
about to have so much fun!
We are gonna play board games
and eat pizza.
And talk to each other.
And find out what's going on in
each ether's lives.
Okay! What did we do?!
Just tell us
and we'll say we're sorry!
Girls, don't be rude.
I'm trying to sleep over here.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
No cell phones on family night.
Oh, yeah, totally.
Happy to participate.
Fully supporting family night.
But I only got 20 minutes.
So group hugs, trust falls...
what are we doing?
What?
My bass player quit.
We're playing tomorrow night
in colorado.
I gotta find a new guy.
Come on, matt.
This is important for sophie.
Besides, who really needs
a bass player?
They just stand in the back
and go...
♪ dum, dum, dum, dum ♪
second song.
♪ dum, dum, dum, dum ♪
The bass players are
extremely important, annie.
They take the ugly groupies.
All right.
I am gonna go order
the pizza now,
Which means
that the family night train.
Has officially left the station.
Whoo-whoo!
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
When you were 8, that made you
shoot milk out of your nose.
Cloud cat? Rain cat?
- Mud cat.
- Black dot mud cat.
Arrows. Indian cat.
It's a shooting star
black dot mud cat!
It's a leopard.
Then why... why didn't you draw
the black spots on the cat?
Why indeed?
Gary, you guys are up.
Okay, nikki, can you do
something to wake him up?
He is bringing down the room.
I'll go get him a soda.
Anyone else want anything?
Maybe some ham and cheese.
For everyone to nibble on.
Great idea.
I don't know why the hostess
didn't think of it.
Okay, girls, that is not okay.
You need something
a little heavier.
Leopard.
Bitsy.
Don't hang up. Don't hang up.
Don't hang up.
Hello. Is this bitsy?
Are you alive?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I-I... gary and I have
the exact same phone.
And I picked his up
by accident.
Who is this?
Well, hello, monica.
Can I give gary a message?
Left his jacket at your house.
Got it.
Now I have
a little message for you.
Nikki!
I said no cell phones!
I know. I'm sorry.
I just found out that gary was
out with a girl last night.
She keeps hanging up on me.
Hey, monica,
we got disconnected.
Let me finish my thought.
If I ever see
your whore face...
She hung up on me again.
Okay, listen, nikki,
I get why you are upset,
But you and gary have been
divorced for seven months.
I know, but I didn't know
that he was dating already.
I know.
Look, I know it sucks.
I mean, there's still
a little tiny part of me.
That gets upset when I see matt
with other women.
It hurt worse
when we were still married.
But, honey, you are gonna have
to rise above this.
And do what's best
for mackenzie.
I don't know if I can
look at gary in the face.
I just want to kill him.
I know. Look, let's just
get through tonight.
And tomorrow,
I am with you 100%.
We can kill him and throw his
body in his precious swan pond.
Oh, annie.
Thank you.
That's beautiful.
Uh...
I refuse to guess on that.
It's a line
with three circles on it.
Unacceptable. Draw better.
Mount rushmore.
That's my girl!
She just...
she gets me like nobody else.
Oh, gary, I'm gonna miss you.
Okay.
Nikki, it's your turn.
Do you want me to go?
No. No, I'm fine.
Really, I'm fine.
Attagirl. Rising above.
Oh, my god.
You know about monica.
Seriously, you guys should play
this game professionally.
Look, I have every right
to date.
We're divorced. How did you
even find out about her?
Because I answered your cell
phone by mistake, that's how.
Your girlfriend sounds like
a total skank, by the way.
Raspy voice?
Get over yourself.
See, this is exactly why I said
no cell phones on family night.
No, annie, this is
why divorced families.
Don't have family night.
I can't believe you're dating already!
We are divorced!
We've only been divorced seven months!
D-I-v-o-r...
Okay, stop it!
We are not here
to fight tonight.
Tonight is for the kids.
Now, please, let's not ruin
this precious time.
We have
with our beautiful daughters.
Where are
our beautiful daughters?
Good god, I haven't worked this
hard to keep people in a room.
Since my mama sent me next door
to convert the cohens.
All right, everybody,
Minor setback,
but we are back on track.
Now remember,
we are all divorced,
So we cannot hurt each other
any more.
All right, new game.
Each one of these cards
has a topic on it.
You just pick and talk.
Pick and talk.
"would you rather meet
your great grandparents.
Or your great grandchildren"?
I'd rather meet amber...
At the mall.
Here, mackenzie. I'll get us
started.
"I have a boyfriend, too."
It doesn't say that.
Yes, it does. I have
a boyfriend named reggie.
He loves massaging my feet.
They do not terrify him.
Okay. Let me pick a question.
"What the hell is wrong
with you?"
Oh! Okay.
There's the pizza, people.
Back on track.
Whoo-whoo!
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
God, I need some new material.
Hey. I'm looking for matt.
Hey.
Thanks for coming by, dude.
No problem.
I called a couple of bass
players to come by and audition.
Excuse us a second.
Matt, get him out of here.
I mean, nikki's going crazy,
the girls are trying to escape,
And you want to audition
bass players
'cause you can't have one
concert without your precious...
♪ dum, dum, dum, dum ♪
I mean,
like anybody would notice.
Hey.
Come on, annie.
Don't make fun
of the bass player to his face.
That's basic
rock 'n' roll code.
Hey!
Mack, what's the matter, babe?
I'm so bored!
And I can't even text my friends
to tell them how I feel.
And we don't know
how they feel either.
It's like we're dead.
Sorry about that, guys.
Okay, whose turn is it?
Still mine.
"Reggie lives on a houseboat."
Okay, you know what?
I give up.
I did everything I could to make
this night fun for you guys,
But you are not even trying.
I just wanted us to communicate.
But you know what?
It's a different time.
I get it.
Just tweet me
if you're ever in trouble.
I'll always be there.
Wait. It's my turn.
"If you could only have one
last meal, what would it be?"
Well, that's easy.
Mom's mac and cheese.
I am not even kidding you.
The littlest baby swan
walked right up to me.
And started pecking
on my shoelace.
I think he thought
it was a worm.
Silly swan.
Aw! Daddy, daddy,
I want to see them.
Me, too.
Me, too.
What? You have a monopoly
on liking baby animals?
Oh, it's the pizza.
I'll get it.
Hey.
Hey.
You're not pizza.
Annie, this is dominique.
This is
my ex-sister-in-law annie.
I told jack that we could do
dinner some other night.
I hope I'm not intruding.
Of course not!
You are absolutely beautiful.
I mean, welcome.
Not beautiful.
Not that you're not beautiful
because you are.
I mean, congratulations
on your beauty and everything.
Aw. Thank you, annie.
Oh, no, thank you.
Oh, my god.
That was weird, huh?
Why did I do that?
We just met, huh?
What the hell?
I just kissed
your impossibly soft hand.
I am a real life crazy person.
Hey, real life crazy person,
can we come inside?
Uh-huh. Come in. Come in.
Come in. Yeah.
Oh! What is wrong with me?
Look, everybody.
It's jack and his,
um, oh, gosh...
What, girlfriend?
Date? Lover?
Would you like to go
in the kitchen with me?
Why? She hasn't answered
the question yet.
Date? Girlfriend? Lover?
Excuse us.
Okay.
Why won't she answer me?
Just a half an hour ago,
You told me to put a lid
on my crazy,
And here you are letting your
crazy spill all over the place.
That's just not fair.
I'm sorry.
I don't know. I just got...
I got caught off guard a little.
What is wrong with me?
You're hurt.
The guy you like brought a date
to your house.
I don't like him.
Annie!
I can't like him!
It is wrong to be attracted
to your ex-brother-in-law.
It's like something
from the bible.
Oh, boy.
I'm gonna get smote for sure.
Listen, you can't help
being attracted to someone.
When it happens,
it just happens,
Like with me and reggie.
Reggie is not real.
There are millions of guys
in the world.
Why do I have to like jack?
Wine glasses?
There. They're right there.
He heard.
He didn't.
Oh. He heard me say
I like him.
Oh, my god, nikki.
He didn't.
He was still outside.
You weren't talking that loud.
He heard!
Listen, I'll show you.
I'll go outside. You say it
again just like you did,
And I'll tell you
if I heard it.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay, that's a good idea.
Go. Go, go, go, go.
Okay.
All right.
So I was standing
right about here.
I was turned a little like this.
Here we go.
There are millions of guys
in the world.
Why do I have to like jack?
Wine opener?
Pizza's here!
Wow. So your band is playing
at red rocks?
Yeah, we're heading
to colorado tomorrow.
You know, I could leave you
a ticket if you think you...
No.
What?
No.
No, I was just...
I know. And no.
I know you have every right to
be intimate with someone else.
I mean, I know that in here...
But I'm having a problem
with it here...
And also a little bit here...
Hey, I get it.
It's just gonna take us
some time to get used to this.
It was the right thing to do,
though.
The divorce, I mean.
Honey, our passion ran
light and dark,
And towards the end,
mostly just dark.
My doctor said I had
to give up you or salt.
And you know I love my salt.
You're gonna lose your foot,
gary.
Hey, mom.
I just wanted to say thanks.
Tonight was
actually kind of fun.
Yeah, I mean, maybe we could
do it again next week.
Well, absolutely.
You girls were really sweet
tonight.
Hey, you wanna help me
clean up some things?
God, you ruin everything.
Hey.
Hey.
Um, I...
This is really awkward,
but would it be rude if we left?
Dominique is starving, and she
doesn't eat carbs or dairy.
She sounds like
a barrel of laughs.
Yeah. Sure.
But I mean, that's why you're
leaving, right? No other reason?
Of course.
But it is your family night,
and I feel like I'm butting in.
You're a part of the family.
I know you mean that
as a compliment, but...
Get out of here.
Hey, is annie okay?
Oh, yeah. She's fine.
She's totally into you.
You know that, right?
What? No.
Where did you get that?
Well, she acted kind of weird
when she saw me with you.
Oh, don't get me wrong,
she's a bona fide nut job,
But she's not into me.
Okay.
Although there was
that weird vibe.
When I went into the kitchen.
Nut job.