I Hate My Teenage Daughter (2011–2012): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

And then you know
what she said to me?

"You don't know how
to dress. "

Who says that?

I'll tell you who says that...

A bitch.

I know! I know, right?

I mean, I put up with that mess
in high school.

I'm not gonna do it now.

I wouldn't even talk to her
again.

Maybe I won't.

Oh, god. Here she comes.



Ugh.
She's with that other one.

What are they doing here?

Hey, mom.

Mackenzie.

Mother.

Totally.

God, why are they so mean
to us?

Because we're their moms.

God, I hate them.

Morning, mom.

Hey, babe. I'm making
your favorite, french toast.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
You need to go change.

You are not wearing that
to school.

You're wearing your pajama top
to work,



And I'm not saying anything
about it.

Go change.

Why do we have to do this
every day?

Because you forget
to put on clothes every day.

Change.

And for your information,
this is not a pajama top!

Crap. Yes, it is.

Hey, annie. Where's sophie?

In her room
changing out of that.

And into something
a little more appropriate.

Yeah, my mom made me change,
too.

Wh-where is your mom?

Next door,
fighting with my dad.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I guess this divorce is
really hard on you, huh?

Do you have any liquid eggs?

That's it, sweetie.
Let it all out.

You know, it's unfortunate.

That you have to resort
to name-calling.

Well, it's unfortunate that
you're such a frickin' dumb-ass.

Hi, annie.

Hey, dumb-ass.

What are we fighting about
this morning?

I want mackenzie to go to
her first high school dance.

In a limo,
and gary won't pay for it.

He says I have to get a job.

That's not
such a terrible idea.

I mean, "oprah's"
going off the air.

You won't have
anything else to do.

I have a job. I'm a mother
and a damn good one.

You know mackenzie's dressed
like a call girl today, right?

Yeah, and that outfit
cost me $300.

Get a job.

I don't want
to be a working mom.

Those women are pathetic.
No offense, hon.

None taken, you lazy,
stay-at-home whore.

Oh, sure, you laugh
when she says it.

I have an idea.
Why don't you get a job.

Instead of playing golf
with your stupid buddies?

I'm a golf pro.

Those aren't my buddies.
They're my clients.

You think I enjoy hanging out
with old white men all day?

They call me "tiger. "

I want mackenzie to go
in a limo, gary.

You know how I had to go
to my first dance.

Yes, in the back
of your dad's chicken truck.

That's right.

And what did everyone call me
after that night?

Kentucky fried nikki.

They filled my locker
with drumsticks.

They were delicious.

Oh, honey.

At least you got to go
to a high school dance.

I never even went to one.

My parents were so strict,
I didn't get to go to dances.

Or listen to music or watch tv.

She never saw an episode
of "full house. "

I had to tell her
who the olsen twins were.

Wow.

High school must have sucked
for you.

No, it was fabulous.

And you know what made it
even better?

My mom was a religious nut bag.

Who insisted on making
all my clothes

'cause she felt that the gap
was the devil's workshop.

So I went to school every day
dressed like a sister-wife.

I'll give you the money
for the limo.

Oh! I cannot believe tonight is
our first high school dance.

I am so excited.
I barely slept last night.

Mom, it's our
first high school dance,

And if you show up anywhere
near there, I'll kill myself.

Of course it's your dance.
That's what I meant.

We're just gonna
poke our heads in.

I got you a corsage.

Look, this dance is
very important for us.

Okay, we're popular, and we
would like to stay that way.

And since you two were nerds
in high school,

You have no idea
how important this is.

Hey, I wasn't a nerd.

I just had a touch of alopecia.

And I weighed over 300 pounds.

And my teeth grew
every way but down,

So no, I did not win
miss abilene,

But I certainly wasn't a nerd.

And I was not a nerd either.

I was a social outcast.

You know who else was
a social outcast?

Jesus. And I'd say
he's pretty popular.

All right! We're here.

Have a good day at school,
girls.

Say no to sex and drugs.

Mom, can you come in to school
with me today?

Oh, my god. It's happening.

I'm the cool mom.

Let's both get bangs.

No. Uh, principal diego.

Wants to see the two of you
before class starts.

Wait. What?

Later!

I didn't want to get bangs
anyway.

Bangs are stupid.

Hey, when did you get bangs?

Why do you think the principal
wants to see us?

I am so nervous.

I'm gonna say a little prayer.

Good morning, ladies.

Come on in.

Nikki, you colored your hair.

You just never give up,
do you, girl?

God, that woman is awful.

Was she that mean when you guys
were in high school?

She was brutal. She teased
anyone who was different,

Stole people's boyfriends,

Thought she was better
than everyone.

God, she was my idol.

Why don't you two take a seat.

And we'll get down to business?

There's only one chair.

Look at you, talking back
to the principal.

Ooh. Chocolates.
Don't mind if I do.

Now I have to warn you,
those are not sugar-free.

Oh, I don't have to
worry about my weight any more.

That was just hormones anyway.

Oh, of course it was.

Those hormones made you eat
everything in sight,

Bless your heart.

And that one summer when
your hormones got away from you.

And you had
that little incident...

I did not eat my cat!

That was just a rumor that you
and your stupid friends started!

I did not eat my cat.

Let's just get back
to why we're here.

I wanted to talk to you
about a little dustup.

That mackenzie and sophie
were involved in.

Oh, god.
What did they do?

Was it as bad
as starting a rumor.

That someone barbecued
and ate their own cat?

We've moved on, nikki.

Your daughters locked a boy
in the girls' bathroom.

He was in there for two hours
before someone found him.

I mean, that just sounds like
typical boy-girl stuff.

The boy they locked
in the bathroom.

Was gerard thompson.

The kid in the wheelchair?

Oh, god.

I know.

Now I'm gonna do my very best
to keep this on the down-low,

But if they serve wine
at the p. T.A. Meeting,

No guarantees.

You know, before we freak out,

We've only heard
principal diego's side of this.

Maybe there's a good reason
they...

Boy in wheelchair.

Hey, annie, great news.

My band got offered to tour
with sheryl crow.

I know it's my weekend
to take sophie,

But I was kinda hoping
that you could cover for me,

Unless you've got
something going on this weekend.

I'm just kidding.
I know you got nothing.

I have been trying to call you
all morning.

Why didn't you answer
your cell?

Because if I learned one thing
from when we were married,

It is that you do not take
a call from one girl.

When you're with another.

See, I do listen to you.

Do you listen to yourself?

Matt, sophie got in trouble
at school today.

She and mackenzie locked
a handicapped boy.

In the bathroom.

Oh, no, no, no.

I can't have her doing that.

If sheryl crow finds out,
it might make me look bad.

Matt, we have to handle this.

This is the worst thing
sophie's ever done.

What did sophie do?

Nothing.
I wasn't talking to you.

And I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to my brother.

Sophie and mackenzie locked
a handicapped kid.

In the bathroom,

And we have to do something
about it.

Wow. That's shocking,
even for them.

Nice job, ladies.

Thank you. It is good
to be appreciated.

Don't you have
some dumb trial to get to?

Well, I just freed a man.

Who was wrongfully convicted
of murder 20 years ago,

So my dumb trial is over,
but thanks for asking.

20 years?
Took you long enough.

Okay, you can't be surprised
by this.

You've given sophie
everything she wants.

Since the day she was born.

I don't think she's ever heard
the word "no. "

She has heard the word "no"
from me.

When she says, "do you like
uncle jack?" I say no.

Look, I get it. You spoil her
because you don't want her.

To be a freak like you were
growing up.

Wow. Freak... that's nice.

How else would you describe it?

You lived in military lockdown
and you dressed like.

A character from
"little house on the prairie. "

Yeah,
I don't know what that is.

Okay.

Look, all... all I'm saying is.

That sophie is
running the show here.

You need to step up
and take control.

Hey, she's doing
the best she can.

Sophie's a difficult kid.

Oh, I'm talking to you, too,
matt.

You're not a great parent
either.

Me? How can I be a bad parent?

I'm never even here.

You know what?
Don't worry about it, okay?

Because sophie is gonna be
punished appropriately.

And so is mackenzie,
right, nik?

Absolutely. The minute
she walks in the door,

I'm gonna ask her what she
thinks is appropriate punishment.

For such a heinous crime.

Yeah, I knew it.
Y'all aren't gonna do a thing.

It's cool. I'll represent them.

When they knock off
a liquor store.

Yes, we are gonna do something.

Mm-hmm.

Something big.

We are not gonna let them
go to the dance.

Oh, mackenzie won't go
for that.

Let's just wait and hear
what she wants to do.

We're doing this, nik.

We're doing it,
and we have to do it together.

Fine.

I just really wanted
to go to that dance.

I even learned some moves
from "dirty dancing. "

"dirty dancing"! Ha!
I actually know that one.

I picketed that movie
with my church group.

Look, I understand
that you're mad,

But if you had a daughter
that behaved this way,

What would you do?

Oh.

Okay, you gonna give me
the silent treatment?

That's cool, 'cause two can play
at that game.

Okay, the thing is,
I hate doing this.

I actually want you
to go to the dance.

I- I want you to be able to do
everything you want,

But your behavior won't let me.
Can't you understand that?

Say something.

Anything!

Make fun of my shirt.
You love to do that.

Honey, don't let her rile
you up. It's what they want.

You sure you need that?

What are you saying?

Nothing.

Oh, good,
because I'm gonna eat this.

I'm a grown woman.
I can do what I want.

Absolutely. Help yourself.

You don't think I know
what you're thinking?

I know what you're thinking.

I know what you're all thinking.

I did not eat my cat!

You are the meanest person I've ever met.
Oh, my god. You are so ungrateful.

You are so unfair!
Do you have any idea how hard I work.

To give you all the things you have?
Just because you were a big loser in high school,

It doesn't mean that I have to be one.
I hate you! Do you know how lucky you are?

How would you like to spend
every summer.

At vacation bible camp?!

Honey,
please don't be mad at me.

I hate it when you shut me out.

Can't we just go back
to being best friends?

We were never best friends.

Ah...

It's okay.
I know you didn't mean that.

What the hell is going on here?

I've got, like, 50 texts
from mackenzie.

Me, too. Sophie's been
texting me nonstop.

"Mom's out of control. "

"I hate it here. "

"I got my period.
You can relax. "

Oh. Sorry.

That's from a nice lady
who sells t-shirts for our band.

Congrats, buddy. That was
touch-and-go for a while.

Well, as helpful as you two
are being right now,

Nikki and I have got this
under control.

They are so mean.

You cannot leave me alone with
those private school brats.

They were talking about me
in spanish...

Or french.

I knew it wasn't english.

All right, you know what?
We're stepping in here.

This is insane.

It's timfor a little
tough love from their dads.

What is going on here?
I got, like, 50 texts.

God, I cannot believe
those girls.

They weren't from the girls.
They were from nikki.

Did you bring me the pies
or not?

Look, I owe you an apology.

I have no right to tell you
how to parent.

I'm just her uncle.

And you're a good mom...
an okay mom... you try.

Ha. That apology sucked.

All right, let me...
let me try that again.

I... Am truly sorry.

I know I can be overbearing.

And I tend to tell people
what to do all the time,

But I am going to stop,
right after this.

Come on, nikki! Use a fork.
You're not a bear.

Look, it's... it's very sweet
of you to apologize.

And... and I-I really appreciate
how much you care about sophie.

It's not just sophie.

Oh.

You want a drink or something?

No, I gotta go. I have a date.

Oh.

I didn't know
you were dating anyone.

Is it serious? I mean,
it can't be that serious.

I haven't seen you with anybody?
Is she cute? How old is she?

I really should go.
But we're good, right?

- Yeah.
- We are great.

We are awesome!

Have fun on your date!

"Is she pretty? Am I pretty?

Do you want to get married?"

Eat your pie, yogi.

Well, we got 'em settled down.

Yeah, I don't think they're
gonna be giving you.

Any more trouble.
We took care of it.

Wow, what'd you do?

What any good dad would do.

We let 'em express
their feelings,

And most importantly,
we listened.

Yeah, and we gave 'em $100.

To get 'em to stop yelling at us.
Dude!

I'm ridiculous?!
Why would you give them money?

We're divorced! I don't have
to take care of you any more!

Good lord, woman,
you're covered in pie!

Where's your evil twin?

She's up in her room,

Blogging about how much
she hates her mother.

Where's your evil twin?

She's in her room, reading
mackenzie's blog and crying.

Look, I'm sorry
that you had to miss.

Your first high school dance,

But I cannot believe what you
did to that handicapped boy.

Mom, gerard is the meanest kid
in school.

He doesn't like black people.

He called mackenzie names
and made her cry,

And that's why we locked him
in the bathroom.

Why didn't you tell me that before?

'Cause kenzie
made me promise not to.

She said that if her mom
found out,

She would just run down to
the school and embarrass her.

Well, she is very protective...

And very embarrassing.

I'm really sorry.
And I mean it.

You drive me crazy.

But I love you so much.

I love you, too, mom.

Come on.
Let's go home.

Mom?

Hmm?

I didn't mean it when I said
that you were ruining my life.

I know you didn't, sweetie.

And I also didn't mean it
when I said.

That you were too old
to get a man.

Or that your hair smells
like hamburger.

Or that you were gonna
die alone or that...

Okay, sweetie,
apology accepted.

Okay.

Hey.
Hey.

I just came back over
to say, "dig us," right?

We set up a punishment,
and we followed through.

We sure did.

Oh, my god!

You let mackenzie
go to the dance!

How did you know that?

I didn't even look you
in the eye.

Why did you let her go?
You just undermined.

Everything we did tonight.

I know. I'm sorry.
I couldn't help it.

When I went to check on her,

I saw that she had put
her party dress on,

And she was sobbing, annie.

It reminded me
of my high school prom.

It was the worst night
of my life.

Oh, please. That's what
you said two nights ago.

When your jeggings split open
at the PTA meeting.

And by the way, you should wear
underwear to a PTA meeting.

This was worse.

The best-looking guy in school
asked me to the prom.

It was the perfect night.

Until deanna and her stupid
cheerleader friends got there.

They told me the only reason
colton asked me.

Was because they dared him to.

Then they started
laughing at my dress.

And at the bow I had taped
to my head because of the al...

Alopecia, I know.

I spent the rest of the night
crying in the bathroom.

And listening to lindsay murphy
have a baby in the next stall.

Nikki, I had no idea.

So, yes, I do spoil mackenzie,
but it's just because

I can't bear the thought of her
going through one second.

Of what I went through
in high school.

I want her to be happy...

And famous.

But mostly happy.

Of course you do.

That's what makes you
a good mom.

And mackenzie's a wonderful girl.
Really?

No.

No, but... She will be...

When she's in her 20s
and she realizes.

All the amazing things
you've done for her.

Seems like so far away.
I'll never survive it.

Yes, you will.
And I will, too.

And then we'll go live in hawaii
like we always planned.

And we'll wear bikinis
every day.

With skirts that cover
our problem areas.

I'm really sorry I let her go.

But you should have seen her,
annie. She looked so beautiful.

My little girl's going
to her first dance.

Yeah.

Where are you going?

To tell sophie
to get her dress on.

We're gonna be late
for the dance.

I'll get you a corsage
out of the fridge.

*

Wow! This is way more beautiful
than I ever imagined.

I like that I'm wearing
the corsage.

It makes me the girl.

Hello, ladies.
So glad you could join us.

Now we don't have a lot
of food here,

But I hear the pound
is open till 10:00.

Okay, you know what?
Knock it off, deanna.

You can't talk to nikki
like that any more.

Oh, for goodness' sake,
I'm kidding.

Where's your sense of humor?

Oh! I didn't realize
you were so funny.

Here's something
you'll laugh at.

I have never been
to a school fun-raiser.

Where your husband
didn't hit on me.

Isn't that hilarious?

Your dog is tiny,
but she bites.

Thank you.

You're the best date
I've ever had.

Oh, look at our girls.

They're having a blast.

Yeah.

But I still feel a little guilty
about what they did.

To that poor gerard.

Yeah, uh, the girls didn't
want me to tell you about this,

But there's a good reason why
they locked him in the bathroom.

Evidently, that kid
doesn't like black people.

Are you freakin' kidding me?

- Shh!
- Don't make a scene.

You know why they didn't
want you to tell me?

Because that's gerard thompson.

*

Oh, my god.

They made the whole thing up.

We have, awful,
terrible daughters.

Pretty, though.

And isn't that
what really matters?

You know what? We need to
get them and take them home.

No, not home.
I can't do that again.

We have to find another way
to punish them.

Oh, my god.
I feel so bad for you guys.

Why?

* difficulty and I'm biting
on my tongue and *

Oh, no.

* keep stalling
and keeping me together *

* people around got
something to say now *

* holding back,
every day the same *

Are they watching?
Oh, yeah.

Everybody's watching.

I still don't get why this is
punishment for them, though.

I know you don't, sweetie.
Just keep dancing.

* consider they forget
my name *

* ame, ame, ame

* they call me 'hell'.

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