I Feel Bad (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - We're Not Fun Anymore - full transcript
David and I love hanging out
with our little ones,
but sometimes it feels like our lives
are overrun by kid stuff.
From the content we watch
to the food we consume...
Would you like red or white
this evening, my darling?
Well, I'm having fish sticks,
so... white.
As requested.
Ah, the good stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
- Cheers.
Even the places we go
are all about the kids.
Oh, my God, Emerit.
Are you guys just getting home too?
- No.
- Oh, my God, Ren and I
were at a sunrise dance party,
and, like, honestly,
I've just never felt more alive.
Can you feel my aura right now?
Oh, I would, but we're actually
on our way to The Spaghetti Hole.
- Oh.
- When I say
"Spaghetti," you say "Hole."
- Spaghetti.
- Hole.
- Spaghetti.
- Hole.
Hey, that's enough.
Anyway, it's really good to see...
And they're making out.
All right, Spaghetti Hole.
Babe, do you ever feel like
we don't go anywhere fun anymore?
Are you a mind reader?
Because it just so happens,
I have planned for us
to go somewhere very fun this Friday.
Take that, sunrise dance freaks.
- Kev, oh, perfect.
- Kev?
Hey, kids, come here for a second.
Check this out. Ready? Check this out.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, hey.
- I got a treat for you.
- All right.
Hold on to your hats,
'cause this Friday,
we are going to see your favorite
Korean teen pop sensation, MYTEEN.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my goodness, how did you get those?
It's been sold out for months.
Let's just say I know
a guy who knows a guy
who knows a Korean.
Oh, and I wish we couldn't.
- Oh, my God!
- They used to say life begins at 40,
but mine just ended at 1:00 p.m.
_
Hey, guys, big Monday,
so let's hit the ground running, yeah?
Whoa... whoa.
What happened to you?
He hit the ground
running with this face.
We went to a club opening.
Worth it for a great night out.
Damn, you guys had a good weekend too?
I mean, it's one thing
for my hot neighbors to have fun,
but you losers?
Say, we're just as surprised as you are.
The club was frickin' sick.
Afterwards, I got in a scooter race
with the CEO of Tinder,
and I "swiped" out.
I'm pretty sure he
got injured on purpose
so he doesn't have to go to meetings.
Sometimes you gotta hurt
yourself to save yourself.
Dare I ask how your weekend was?
Well, it started out the usual way.
My parents ditched us because, you know,
they refuse to take the kids
for the weekend, ever.
But we went to Spaghetti Hole,
where we had our own
little celebrity sighting.
Yeah, Mr. Reynolds, kids' principal.
- He was there...
- Oh, my God, you gotta stop.
Your life sucks.
Oh, it's not that bad.
This is just what everyone
with kids goes through,
and then they move out of the house,
and you get your life back.
I'm just doing the maths,
and by the time
the baby goes to college,
you'll be... what, 60?
The next time I go into a club,
I'll have wandered in by accident.
Better go in now before
your boobs have fallen
and they can't get up.
We're on the guest list for this Friday.
You and David should go.
I can't.
We're taking the kids to a concert.
Well, let us know
if you change your mind.
We can't go.
We gotta look after this little guy.
I'm fine.
I can take care of myself, bitches.
I just need, you know,
someone to help clip my toenails.
Who's gonna jump on that grenade?
Hoo-ooh.
It was the night of the concert,
and I couldn't help thinking...
MYTEEN! MYTEEN!
Only 17 more years of
these Friday nights.
I can power through this, right?
How great is that?
Pom-pom for the mom-mom.
Yeah. Hey, David, do you ever feel like
we never just do anything
fun for just us anymore?
Yeah, I get what you're saying,
but we can fix that.
I mean, how about tonight
after the concert,
we come home, we get into bed,
we turn off the lights,
and then we finally find out
what all this "Game of Thrones"
fuss is all about?
Here, take these healthy snacks.
Don't eat that filthy concession food.
I know a guy who got a hot dog,
then he got botulism,
and then he died.
Okay. Have loads of fun.
And remember, if you need anything,
don't call us.
It's the freakin' weekend, baby,
and Grandpa and I have a life.
Check it out, you guys.
Who's always thinking?
Concert fanny...
so these are free to do a lot of this.
Hey, MYTEEN.
And that was it.
If I didn't take drastic action,
I'd be doing this every
weekend until I'm old.
Hey!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!
Okay, there's no way for David and me
to get a night to ourselves.
And like Griff said,
you have to hurt yourself
to save yourself.
- Are you okay?
- Oh. No, it's okay.
I'm okay.
- I'm just a little dazed.
- What happened?
Oh, I just...
I ran outside to get something,
and I just didn't realize
the door was shut.
How did you not see the glass?
It's so filthy.
- You know, I should get...
- No, no, no, no, no, no. Do not get up.
- You might have a concussion.
- Oh, but the kids' concert.
I gotta take the kids to the concert.
Don't worry about that. We'll take them.
We'll keep them the entire weekend.
Oh, bonus.
David, you should take her
to get checked out.
- Okay, I will.
- Yeah, Daddy's right.
Kids, kids,
hey, listen, I'm so sorry.
You know what? You guys have fun, okay?
And don't worry about Mommy.
I will be fine.
- Okay, bye, Mom.
- Bye. Hope you get well.
All right, Sonny,
you're gonna need this.
Go with God. Thank you.
All right, I'm calling the doctor.
Don't fall asleep. Keep your eyes on me.
Whoa...
David, we're going out.
Yeah, we're gonna hit the clubs
harder than I hit that door, which...
ooh, was actually pretty hard.
I think I need to...
whoa, sit for just one sec.
Worth it.
You know, I feel like there
were probably other ways
for us to get a weekend together
other than you bashing
your brains into the glass.
- Really, David?
- Yeah.
What ways?
Can you think of any other ways?
Okay, I do see your point.
And I would say,
in spite of myself, I am excited.
- Right?
- Yeah.
Babe, I wanna do the things
we used to do when we first met, okay?
- Being adventurous.
- Mm-hmm.
I wanna go to a club
and dance until last call
and then come home, try to do it,
but give up and then just pass out
and sleep until noon.
I feel like we've, like,
fallen into a spaghetti hole
and we're, like,
desperately trying to crawl our way out
and right when we get to the top,
they just throw more spaghetti on us.
Oh, my God, that is exactly how I feel.
Baby.
- Ooh, you know what?
- What?
I'm gonna get myself all cleaned up...
- Yeah.
- And I'm gonna put on
some Michael Jordan cologne.
- Yeah, you are.
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh!
Okay, you know what, babe?
For not being in one of these things
for, like, 13 years,
I'd say we look pretty hot.
I agree.
I mean, I think it's 'cause it's dark
and everyone looks good in the dark,
but I will take it.
Oh, sorry about that, Pops.
All right, okay. He called me "Pops."
- I know.
- Yeah.
I mean, these kids are,
like, closer to Lily's age
than to our age.
I mean, like, mathematically closer.
Okay, why are men using math
to make me feel like crap this week?
- Can we just dance?
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Tootsee Roll?
- Yeah, do it, bitch.
No, you got it.
I can't "to the left, to the left"
or "to the right, to the right"
with whatever this crap is.
I'm just gonna... You dance.
I'll watch coolly...
Hey, if he doesn't wanna dance with you,
I'll step in, Mami.
- Oh, um...
- Okay, that's my Mami.
- Okay?
- That's...
Yeah.
I don't know about this vibe, Emet.
I don't know.
Ugh, David's being a drag.
Okay, you know what?
Why don't you go talk to
the DJ like you used to?
- Musician to musician.
- Yeah, I used to do that.
They respect someone who
speaks their language.
- They do. Let's go.
- Yeah.
Yeah, let's go.
Hey, hey.
Right here, hey.
Um, fellow musician.
Oh, God.
Hey, I was wondering,
do you have anything
maybe a little funkier,
like "Tootsee Roll," Black Eyed Peas,
kind of a Fatboy Slim jam kinda thing?
Is that a yes?
DJ Robocall wants you to leave now.
Uh, yeah, message received.
Oh, I hate it here.
Um, yeah, I think I'm done.
- What? No.
- Yeah.
Okay, David, listen to me.
By the time Jake is out of the house,
we are going to be in our 60s.
Can you please just
try to have some fun?
- Please?
- Okay, fine.
But just so you know,
somewhere between
our first and third kid,
we aged out of this.
Or I did. You're still getting hit on,
which is good.
I'm gonna get 1,000 drinks now.
- Honey, no.
- Scuse me.
Listen...
Look at him.
He's doing the Charlie Brown walk.
This night out is
really starting to suck.
- Yeah, that was awesome!
- That was awesome!
What do you say to Grandma and Grandpa
for taking you to the concert?
Thank you, Grandma and Grandpa.
I'm bored. Can we go to laser tag?
No, not laser tag.
Fuddruckers for banana splits.
I change mine. I want that.
Hey, you're not home
where your every whim is catered to.
You know, people of our generation
think children should fit quietly
into the lives of adults.
So either go to bed, or help us prepare
for the grown-up party
we're having later on.
If I can't make David
feel better about himself,
our fun weekend is screwed.
Hmm, she looks hot and crazy.
Getting an idea.
Hi, hi, sorry. I'm Emet.
You look like you could use
another... mojito?
Oh, my God, yeah. I love mint.
Who doesn't, right?
- I'm Kylie.
- Hi, Ky-ky.
Listen, see that guy over there?
That is my husband, and he just needs
a little self-esteem boost.
I got your drinks for the night
if you just flirt with him a little bit?
That is the sweetest thing
I've ever heard in my whole life.
Oh, I'm so glad. See, I love him.
I just think he's in
a little bit of a rut.
You ever been to The Spaghetti Hole?
Yeah, I don't do that.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Sorry.
That's just a restaurant.
Anyway, doesn't matter.
He's a great guy,
and we just need to pep him back up.
Say no more. I got you, girl.
Thank you, girl.
Hey are you in my econ class at State?
Me?
Wow, I do look good in the dark.
So what do you think of the
recent political climate?
I think it sucks.
Whoa, well said, young man.
You know, you're the kind of guy
that should be running things.
True.
Louie, it's almost bedtime.
- Did you go pee-pee?
- Grandpa, please.
We're discussing the state of the world.
I'm sorry, Sai, where were we?
Those animals ate all my tortilla chips.
Now I have to dip into my
stash of airplane pretzels.
Keep Pearl company.
Hi, I'm Lily.
You wanna know the
secret to keeping a man?
I love secrets.
Don't poop until he leaves for work.
Good to know.
God, it really is hard to dance to this.
Drop the beat already.
It's been, like, 15 minutes.
On the other hand, my plan is working.
David's finally feeling
good about himself.
Oh, a little giggle, a little arm touch.
He's flexing. Yeah, it's working.
Now it's time to have a sexy,
fun night with my man.
- Hey, hottie.
- Hey.
- You look hot.
- Yeah?
Did I miss anything?
I don't know what you missed,
but I missed dat ass.
Ooh.
I don't know. I feel alive
and attractive for no particular reason.
Yes, you're a genius, Emet.
By the way, that Michael Jordan cologne
is combining with your natural musk,
and I am vibing it to the moon.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- You know who else liked it?
- Hmm?
That girl you bribed to flirt with me.
Her dad wears the same cologne.
Damn it, why do they always
have to have dads?
You know, Emet,
I didn't think I could feel
worse about tonight, but somehow
you managed to make that happen.
I'm done.
Wait, wait, wait. David, come on.
We got one free weekend
that I ran into a door to get us,
and you can't even try
to have a good time?
Maybe you're just not that fun anymore.
Wow.
David, wait. I didn't mean it like...
Oh, great, now you drop the beat.
After David and I both
went to sleep mad,
I was bracing myself.
He has a way of pouting
with his whole body.
Watch, I'm gonna touch him,
and he's gonna do his
Taylor Swift shoulder roll.
- Hey, morning.
- Okay, in my defense, I...
Wait, are we not in a fight?
I will admit,
I was pretty upset last night.
I mean, I had a nightmare
that was one long scream.
But then I thought about it.
You're right.
I have lost my sense of fun lately,
and I wanna get it back.
So today I have something
amazing planned for us.
Oh, honey, this is why I married you.
- Okay, where are we going?
- It's a surprise.
- Okay.
- Dress for adventure.
Today you're gonna have
the best time of your life.
Today she's gonna have
the worst time of her life.
Wow, paying a woman to flirt with you
- 'cause you're too boring.
- Mm-hmm.
Your wife is off the deep end, man.
Yeah, she says I'm not fun?
She's not fun, and I'm gonna prove it.
I'm gonna hold her feet to the fun fire
until she cries uncle.
Hey, do you want me to wear a wire?
'Cause I'm the perfect
body type to wear a wire.
You can pat me down
and you don't feel nothing.
No, I think we're good.
Thank you for listening, though.
- Okay, we're almost there.
- Oh, my God,
I can't believe you did this.
- Okay, stop, stop, stop. Okay.
- Yeah.
- Ready to take it off?
- Yeah.
And blindfold coming off, and..
I am. I am. I am. I am. I am.
Behold, the Dive Devil.
You said you wanted adventures.
We used to do this kind
of thing all the time.
I mean, yeah, babe,
when we were stupid kids,
but we're adults now.
Why would we do that to ourselves?
W-well, that's interesting,
'cause when I felt out of
place at the nightclub,
I was not fun.
But when you're a total
buzzkill at my thing,
you're an "adult."
How convenient,
'cause you said I was not fun,
but maybe you're not fun.
- You said we weren't in a fight.
- I lied.
And I guess if I'm wrong,
you'll prove it.
So strap in, sister,
'cause we are going on this ride.
I got it.
Hi, Virginia. Hi, Pearl.
Hi, Lily.
Sai, Pearl, did we have plans?
No, we have plans.
My man Sai's gonna teach
me how to play racquetball,
and then we're gonna hang
in the community center
and read obits.
And I'm teaching the ladies dance moves.
Five, six, seven, eight.
♪ We comin' to paint the town ♪
I can't believe those geezers
stole our grandkids.
Excuse me, is the baby home?
I wanna smell it.
Dear God.
Hide Jakey and find her
something else to smell.
- Excuse me, David.
- Yes?
I was just trying to
have a nice night out,
which if anyone needs, you do.
Um, you listen to Kidz Bop
without the kids.
Yeah, it's all the beat
and none of the filth.
And if I'm not fun anymore,
maybe it's because you made me that way.
- Me? How?
- Mm-hmm.
I used to be a musician,
I loved to travel,
I auditioned for the
"Real World" so many times,
and I gave it all up so
I could get a stable job
so that you could be an artist.
And instead of appreciating that,
you're obviously bored by me.
How dare you blame
our terrible life on me?
- Mm-hmm.
- It's work.
Yes, I know it's work. It's a marriage.
- No, it's work calling.
- Oh.
What?
- Whoa.
- Hostile.
That was very hostile.
Sorry.
I'm in the middle of a thing.
Okay, what do you need?
So we're looking after Griff
while he heals from his fall,
and quick question:
can we give Griff
both acetaminophen and ibuprofen?
Because we did that.
Yes, it is fine.
He will probably have
some odd-colored poop,
but what else is new?
Okay, listen,
while I have you guys on the phone,
David just told me that he
gave up an exciting life
so I could pursue my career.
I never knew he felt that way.
Wow, deep cut.
I know, and at first, I was mad.
But now I think I did do that.
And I vaguely remember a
conversation 11 years ago
about flexible hours and
putting his dreams on hold.
And now he's about to
ride this Dive Devil ride
just to feel alive again.
Christmas Day.
You guys.
Emet, as a docile,
accommodating human being,
I recognize a brethren.
David's bluffing.
- Wait, you think so?
- Uh, for sure.
Last time we were at your house,
he wouldn't even let
us stand next to him
while he lit the barbecue.
There's no way he's going
on some thrill plunge.
He's making a point.
Oh, my God, you're right.
How dare he use my
accomplishments against me?
Okay, you know what?
I am calling his bluff.
And then he's gonna have to admit
I'm not the reason he's boring; he is.
And then we can get a funnel cake.
Hey, guys. Hey, guys, my poop is blue.
You gotta see this.
Emet, we have to go.
Yeah, we really have to see this.
Okay.
Pardon me.
- Baby...
- Hmm?
You were right.
- I was?
- Yes.
I have been holding you
back all these years.
And I'm sorry.
You know what?
I am done being your anchor.
Let's go ride the ride.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
- Excellent.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Ooh, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Can you hold just one second?
Hold our spot.
- I'll hold it.
- Okay.
Not gonna move.
Gauntlet thrown. He's backing down.
Your plan was to take her on Dive Devil?
That's brilliant, my friend.
No, she's supposed to bail,
and then I'm gonna
turn the tables on her
and prove to her that she's
the one that's not fun anymore.
But she's not bailing.
That's [bleep]. She's bluffing.
I can tell and I'm not even there.
She wouldn't take a risk like that;
she's a mother.
She makes you fly on separate planes
whenever you go anywhere.
O-M-God, you are right.
Oh, man, it is on.
She's playing chicken
with the wrong rooster.
I'm so sick of that woman.
Okay, Kevin, come on.
I still love her. Take it easy.
I'm sorry. I know.
I came in too hot on that one.
It's fine. It's fine.
All right, empty bladder,
full heart, can't lose.
It's go time.
- Um, what?
- Oh, yeah, we're next.
Are you tingling? I'm tingling all over.
So much tingling.
Okay, called that wrong.
David wasn't faking.
Excuse me for a second.
Okay, David's not taking the bait.
I gotta go at him hard
and get off this thing,
'cause there's no way
I'm gonna scream-pee
my way through this ride.
You know what, David?
You wanna quit your job
and become a musician,
just do it, okay?
- I support you.
- Fine.
Monday morning,
I'm gonna call Sunway Airlines.
Monday afternoon, I am back on the road.
- Great.
- Yeah.
Yeah, do it. You know what? Why wait?
Hey, just call 'em now.
We can get off this thing.
Yeah, if that's the way you want it.
- It is.
- Fine.
All right, folks.
Once you're up, the only way down
is by pulling the ripcord.
Enjoy your plummet into
extreme exhilaration.
Cody, taking my break.
No, no, no, wait.
Excuse me, I thought he was gonna bail.
What? I thought she was gonna bail.
He was definitely the bailer.
Please come back.
- I want out.
- I don't wanna do this one!
- What have we done?
- I don't know.
- What have we done?
- You did this.
Oh, my God, who's gonna raise the kids?
- Oh, my God. My God.
- Okay.
- Okay, oh, my God. Okay.
- Okay.
- Don't move.
- No, no.
- David?
- Yeah.
Our last conversation on Earth
- c-can't be an argument, okay?
- Uh-huh.
Look, I'm really...
I'm really sorry that you gave up
your dreams for me and that you...
you had to take
some boring, stupid job because of me.
Sweetie, come on, let's get real.
I took that job because there
was a dope benefits package.
I mean, a 401(k) and dental?
That is rock and roll to me, baby.
I did not give up my dream job.
I bet on life with you being more fun
than anything else, and it is.
Aw, baby, that is so sweet.
I would kiss you, but I really
wanna stay very, very still.
I only said all that stuff
because it really
hurt my feelings that
you think I'm so boring
that you had to hire
a girl to flirt with me.
No, no, no, no, no.
David, I don't think you're boring.
I don't.
I just got scared that we've
forgotten how to have fun
just the two of us, okay?
You know what?
It is not our fault. It's the kids'.
It's their fault.
They're the boring ones.
- So boring.
- Yes.
Let's make sure that we take the time
to do these kinds of things more often
so we never have to do
this kind of thing ever again.
Yes, that is a deal.
All right, you heard the guy.
Only way down is to pull the ripcord.
Pull that ripcord, baby.
I love you, baby.
I'll see you in hell.
You guys, I just had
the most amazing weekend
I have had in, like, forever.
I mean, that ride was so fun.
I'd never do it again.
How was your weekend?
The worst.
We spent the whole thing
taking care of Griff.
It's thankless.
He didn't want pizza for lunch
because he had it for breakfast,
so I made him chicken nuggets,
which he didn't even touch.
So guess who ended up eating them.
Me.
And all he wanted to do was watch
the "Fast and Furious"
movies over and over.
I cannot watch a car
Tokyo drift ever again.
Guys...
I've gotta go.
- Coming.
- No.
Not you... Norman. I want Norman.
I went last time.
Well, he's asking for you.
Damn, your lives suck.
I don't want this weekend to end.
Okay, the weekend's about to end.
Put your neck brace on.
Your parents are coming up
the driveway with the kids.
Ugh, fine.
Oh, ow!
- Oh!
- Ow!
Real or fake? Real or fake?
Ow. Very real.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
Have you been there this whole time?
- Uh...
- No, no, I just... fell again.
Yeah, we were re-creating
what happened the other day, and...
Oh, save it, liars.
Look what I found on the floor.
You tricked us into taking the kids
for the weekend, didn't you?
The picture.
Yeah, all right, we did.
- Ready?
- Yup. Aah!
Look, kids,
please don't take it personally, okay?
Mommy just needed
a little time to dance.
I get it, Mom. We danced too.
And we made some new friends.
Can we please have them
over for a playdate?
Yeah, sure,
we'll call their parents and set it up.
Oh, their parents are dead.
They died in the war.
What?
with our little ones,
but sometimes it feels like our lives
are overrun by kid stuff.
From the content we watch
to the food we consume...
Would you like red or white
this evening, my darling?
Well, I'm having fish sticks,
so... white.
As requested.
Ah, the good stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
- Cheers.
Even the places we go
are all about the kids.
Oh, my God, Emerit.
Are you guys just getting home too?
- No.
- Oh, my God, Ren and I
were at a sunrise dance party,
and, like, honestly,
I've just never felt more alive.
Can you feel my aura right now?
Oh, I would, but we're actually
on our way to The Spaghetti Hole.
- Oh.
- When I say
"Spaghetti," you say "Hole."
- Spaghetti.
- Hole.
- Spaghetti.
- Hole.
Hey, that's enough.
Anyway, it's really good to see...
And they're making out.
All right, Spaghetti Hole.
Babe, do you ever feel like
we don't go anywhere fun anymore?
Are you a mind reader?
Because it just so happens,
I have planned for us
to go somewhere very fun this Friday.
Take that, sunrise dance freaks.
- Kev, oh, perfect.
- Kev?
Hey, kids, come here for a second.
Check this out. Ready? Check this out.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, hey.
- I got a treat for you.
- All right.
Hold on to your hats,
'cause this Friday,
we are going to see your favorite
Korean teen pop sensation, MYTEEN.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my goodness, how did you get those?
It's been sold out for months.
Let's just say I know
a guy who knows a guy
who knows a Korean.
Oh, and I wish we couldn't.
- Oh, my God!
- They used to say life begins at 40,
but mine just ended at 1:00 p.m.
_
Hey, guys, big Monday,
so let's hit the ground running, yeah?
Whoa... whoa.
What happened to you?
He hit the ground
running with this face.
We went to a club opening.
Worth it for a great night out.
Damn, you guys had a good weekend too?
I mean, it's one thing
for my hot neighbors to have fun,
but you losers?
Say, we're just as surprised as you are.
The club was frickin' sick.
Afterwards, I got in a scooter race
with the CEO of Tinder,
and I "swiped" out.
I'm pretty sure he
got injured on purpose
so he doesn't have to go to meetings.
Sometimes you gotta hurt
yourself to save yourself.
Dare I ask how your weekend was?
Well, it started out the usual way.
My parents ditched us because, you know,
they refuse to take the kids
for the weekend, ever.
But we went to Spaghetti Hole,
where we had our own
little celebrity sighting.
Yeah, Mr. Reynolds, kids' principal.
- He was there...
- Oh, my God, you gotta stop.
Your life sucks.
Oh, it's not that bad.
This is just what everyone
with kids goes through,
and then they move out of the house,
and you get your life back.
I'm just doing the maths,
and by the time
the baby goes to college,
you'll be... what, 60?
The next time I go into a club,
I'll have wandered in by accident.
Better go in now before
your boobs have fallen
and they can't get up.
We're on the guest list for this Friday.
You and David should go.
I can't.
We're taking the kids to a concert.
Well, let us know
if you change your mind.
We can't go.
We gotta look after this little guy.
I'm fine.
I can take care of myself, bitches.
I just need, you know,
someone to help clip my toenails.
Who's gonna jump on that grenade?
Hoo-ooh.
It was the night of the concert,
and I couldn't help thinking...
MYTEEN! MYTEEN!
Only 17 more years of
these Friday nights.
I can power through this, right?
How great is that?
Pom-pom for the mom-mom.
Yeah. Hey, David, do you ever feel like
we never just do anything
fun for just us anymore?
Yeah, I get what you're saying,
but we can fix that.
I mean, how about tonight
after the concert,
we come home, we get into bed,
we turn off the lights,
and then we finally find out
what all this "Game of Thrones"
fuss is all about?
Here, take these healthy snacks.
Don't eat that filthy concession food.
I know a guy who got a hot dog,
then he got botulism,
and then he died.
Okay. Have loads of fun.
And remember, if you need anything,
don't call us.
It's the freakin' weekend, baby,
and Grandpa and I have a life.
Check it out, you guys.
Who's always thinking?
Concert fanny...
so these are free to do a lot of this.
Hey, MYTEEN.
And that was it.
If I didn't take drastic action,
I'd be doing this every
weekend until I'm old.
Hey!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!
Okay, there's no way for David and me
to get a night to ourselves.
And like Griff said,
you have to hurt yourself
to save yourself.
- Are you okay?
- Oh. No, it's okay.
I'm okay.
- I'm just a little dazed.
- What happened?
Oh, I just...
I ran outside to get something,
and I just didn't realize
the door was shut.
How did you not see the glass?
It's so filthy.
- You know, I should get...
- No, no, no, no, no, no. Do not get up.
- You might have a concussion.
- Oh, but the kids' concert.
I gotta take the kids to the concert.
Don't worry about that. We'll take them.
We'll keep them the entire weekend.
Oh, bonus.
David, you should take her
to get checked out.
- Okay, I will.
- Yeah, Daddy's right.
Kids, kids,
hey, listen, I'm so sorry.
You know what? You guys have fun, okay?
And don't worry about Mommy.
I will be fine.
- Okay, bye, Mom.
- Bye. Hope you get well.
All right, Sonny,
you're gonna need this.
Go with God. Thank you.
All right, I'm calling the doctor.
Don't fall asleep. Keep your eyes on me.
Whoa...
David, we're going out.
Yeah, we're gonna hit the clubs
harder than I hit that door, which...
ooh, was actually pretty hard.
I think I need to...
whoa, sit for just one sec.
Worth it.
You know, I feel like there
were probably other ways
for us to get a weekend together
other than you bashing
your brains into the glass.
- Really, David?
- Yeah.
What ways?
Can you think of any other ways?
Okay, I do see your point.
And I would say,
in spite of myself, I am excited.
- Right?
- Yeah.
Babe, I wanna do the things
we used to do when we first met, okay?
- Being adventurous.
- Mm-hmm.
I wanna go to a club
and dance until last call
and then come home, try to do it,
but give up and then just pass out
and sleep until noon.
I feel like we've, like,
fallen into a spaghetti hole
and we're, like,
desperately trying to crawl our way out
and right when we get to the top,
they just throw more spaghetti on us.
Oh, my God, that is exactly how I feel.
Baby.
- Ooh, you know what?
- What?
I'm gonna get myself all cleaned up...
- Yeah.
- And I'm gonna put on
some Michael Jordan cologne.
- Yeah, you are.
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh!
Okay, you know what, babe?
For not being in one of these things
for, like, 13 years,
I'd say we look pretty hot.
I agree.
I mean, I think it's 'cause it's dark
and everyone looks good in the dark,
but I will take it.
Oh, sorry about that, Pops.
All right, okay. He called me "Pops."
- I know.
- Yeah.
I mean, these kids are,
like, closer to Lily's age
than to our age.
I mean, like, mathematically closer.
Okay, why are men using math
to make me feel like crap this week?
- Can we just dance?
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Tootsee Roll?
- Yeah, do it, bitch.
No, you got it.
I can't "to the left, to the left"
or "to the right, to the right"
with whatever this crap is.
I'm just gonna... You dance.
I'll watch coolly...
Hey, if he doesn't wanna dance with you,
I'll step in, Mami.
- Oh, um...
- Okay, that's my Mami.
- Okay?
- That's...
Yeah.
I don't know about this vibe, Emet.
I don't know.
Ugh, David's being a drag.
Okay, you know what?
Why don't you go talk to
the DJ like you used to?
- Musician to musician.
- Yeah, I used to do that.
They respect someone who
speaks their language.
- They do. Let's go.
- Yeah.
Yeah, let's go.
Hey, hey.
Right here, hey.
Um, fellow musician.
Oh, God.
Hey, I was wondering,
do you have anything
maybe a little funkier,
like "Tootsee Roll," Black Eyed Peas,
kind of a Fatboy Slim jam kinda thing?
Is that a yes?
DJ Robocall wants you to leave now.
Uh, yeah, message received.
Oh, I hate it here.
Um, yeah, I think I'm done.
- What? No.
- Yeah.
Okay, David, listen to me.
By the time Jake is out of the house,
we are going to be in our 60s.
Can you please just
try to have some fun?
- Please?
- Okay, fine.
But just so you know,
somewhere between
our first and third kid,
we aged out of this.
Or I did. You're still getting hit on,
which is good.
I'm gonna get 1,000 drinks now.
- Honey, no.
- Scuse me.
Listen...
Look at him.
He's doing the Charlie Brown walk.
This night out is
really starting to suck.
- Yeah, that was awesome!
- That was awesome!
What do you say to Grandma and Grandpa
for taking you to the concert?
Thank you, Grandma and Grandpa.
I'm bored. Can we go to laser tag?
No, not laser tag.
Fuddruckers for banana splits.
I change mine. I want that.
Hey, you're not home
where your every whim is catered to.
You know, people of our generation
think children should fit quietly
into the lives of adults.
So either go to bed, or help us prepare
for the grown-up party
we're having later on.
If I can't make David
feel better about himself,
our fun weekend is screwed.
Hmm, she looks hot and crazy.
Getting an idea.
Hi, hi, sorry. I'm Emet.
You look like you could use
another... mojito?
Oh, my God, yeah. I love mint.
Who doesn't, right?
- I'm Kylie.
- Hi, Ky-ky.
Listen, see that guy over there?
That is my husband, and he just needs
a little self-esteem boost.
I got your drinks for the night
if you just flirt with him a little bit?
That is the sweetest thing
I've ever heard in my whole life.
Oh, I'm so glad. See, I love him.
I just think he's in
a little bit of a rut.
You ever been to The Spaghetti Hole?
Yeah, I don't do that.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Sorry.
That's just a restaurant.
Anyway, doesn't matter.
He's a great guy,
and we just need to pep him back up.
Say no more. I got you, girl.
Thank you, girl.
Hey are you in my econ class at State?
Me?
Wow, I do look good in the dark.
So what do you think of the
recent political climate?
I think it sucks.
Whoa, well said, young man.
You know, you're the kind of guy
that should be running things.
True.
Louie, it's almost bedtime.
- Did you go pee-pee?
- Grandpa, please.
We're discussing the state of the world.
I'm sorry, Sai, where were we?
Those animals ate all my tortilla chips.
Now I have to dip into my
stash of airplane pretzels.
Keep Pearl company.
Hi, I'm Lily.
You wanna know the
secret to keeping a man?
I love secrets.
Don't poop until he leaves for work.
Good to know.
God, it really is hard to dance to this.
Drop the beat already.
It's been, like, 15 minutes.
On the other hand, my plan is working.
David's finally feeling
good about himself.
Oh, a little giggle, a little arm touch.
He's flexing. Yeah, it's working.
Now it's time to have a sexy,
fun night with my man.
- Hey, hottie.
- Hey.
- You look hot.
- Yeah?
Did I miss anything?
I don't know what you missed,
but I missed dat ass.
Ooh.
I don't know. I feel alive
and attractive for no particular reason.
Yes, you're a genius, Emet.
By the way, that Michael Jordan cologne
is combining with your natural musk,
and I am vibing it to the moon.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- You know who else liked it?
- Hmm?
That girl you bribed to flirt with me.
Her dad wears the same cologne.
Damn it, why do they always
have to have dads?
You know, Emet,
I didn't think I could feel
worse about tonight, but somehow
you managed to make that happen.
I'm done.
Wait, wait, wait. David, come on.
We got one free weekend
that I ran into a door to get us,
and you can't even try
to have a good time?
Maybe you're just not that fun anymore.
Wow.
David, wait. I didn't mean it like...
Oh, great, now you drop the beat.
After David and I both
went to sleep mad,
I was bracing myself.
He has a way of pouting
with his whole body.
Watch, I'm gonna touch him,
and he's gonna do his
Taylor Swift shoulder roll.
- Hey, morning.
- Okay, in my defense, I...
Wait, are we not in a fight?
I will admit,
I was pretty upset last night.
I mean, I had a nightmare
that was one long scream.
But then I thought about it.
You're right.
I have lost my sense of fun lately,
and I wanna get it back.
So today I have something
amazing planned for us.
Oh, honey, this is why I married you.
- Okay, where are we going?
- It's a surprise.
- Okay.
- Dress for adventure.
Today you're gonna have
the best time of your life.
Today she's gonna have
the worst time of her life.
Wow, paying a woman to flirt with you
- 'cause you're too boring.
- Mm-hmm.
Your wife is off the deep end, man.
Yeah, she says I'm not fun?
She's not fun, and I'm gonna prove it.
I'm gonna hold her feet to the fun fire
until she cries uncle.
Hey, do you want me to wear a wire?
'Cause I'm the perfect
body type to wear a wire.
You can pat me down
and you don't feel nothing.
No, I think we're good.
Thank you for listening, though.
- Okay, we're almost there.
- Oh, my God,
I can't believe you did this.
- Okay, stop, stop, stop. Okay.
- Yeah.
- Ready to take it off?
- Yeah.
And blindfold coming off, and..
I am. I am. I am. I am. I am.
Behold, the Dive Devil.
You said you wanted adventures.
We used to do this kind
of thing all the time.
I mean, yeah, babe,
when we were stupid kids,
but we're adults now.
Why would we do that to ourselves?
W-well, that's interesting,
'cause when I felt out of
place at the nightclub,
I was not fun.
But when you're a total
buzzkill at my thing,
you're an "adult."
How convenient,
'cause you said I was not fun,
but maybe you're not fun.
- You said we weren't in a fight.
- I lied.
And I guess if I'm wrong,
you'll prove it.
So strap in, sister,
'cause we are going on this ride.
I got it.
Hi, Virginia. Hi, Pearl.
Hi, Lily.
Sai, Pearl, did we have plans?
No, we have plans.
My man Sai's gonna teach
me how to play racquetball,
and then we're gonna hang
in the community center
and read obits.
And I'm teaching the ladies dance moves.
Five, six, seven, eight.
♪ We comin' to paint the town ♪
I can't believe those geezers
stole our grandkids.
Excuse me, is the baby home?
I wanna smell it.
Dear God.
Hide Jakey and find her
something else to smell.
- Excuse me, David.
- Yes?
I was just trying to
have a nice night out,
which if anyone needs, you do.
Um, you listen to Kidz Bop
without the kids.
Yeah, it's all the beat
and none of the filth.
And if I'm not fun anymore,
maybe it's because you made me that way.
- Me? How?
- Mm-hmm.
I used to be a musician,
I loved to travel,
I auditioned for the
"Real World" so many times,
and I gave it all up so
I could get a stable job
so that you could be an artist.
And instead of appreciating that,
you're obviously bored by me.
How dare you blame
our terrible life on me?
- Mm-hmm.
- It's work.
Yes, I know it's work. It's a marriage.
- No, it's work calling.
- Oh.
What?
- Whoa.
- Hostile.
That was very hostile.
Sorry.
I'm in the middle of a thing.
Okay, what do you need?
So we're looking after Griff
while he heals from his fall,
and quick question:
can we give Griff
both acetaminophen and ibuprofen?
Because we did that.
Yes, it is fine.
He will probably have
some odd-colored poop,
but what else is new?
Okay, listen,
while I have you guys on the phone,
David just told me that he
gave up an exciting life
so I could pursue my career.
I never knew he felt that way.
Wow, deep cut.
I know, and at first, I was mad.
But now I think I did do that.
And I vaguely remember a
conversation 11 years ago
about flexible hours and
putting his dreams on hold.
And now he's about to
ride this Dive Devil ride
just to feel alive again.
Christmas Day.
You guys.
Emet, as a docile,
accommodating human being,
I recognize a brethren.
David's bluffing.
- Wait, you think so?
- Uh, for sure.
Last time we were at your house,
he wouldn't even let
us stand next to him
while he lit the barbecue.
There's no way he's going
on some thrill plunge.
He's making a point.
Oh, my God, you're right.
How dare he use my
accomplishments against me?
Okay, you know what?
I am calling his bluff.
And then he's gonna have to admit
I'm not the reason he's boring; he is.
And then we can get a funnel cake.
Hey, guys. Hey, guys, my poop is blue.
You gotta see this.
Emet, we have to go.
Yeah, we really have to see this.
Okay.
Pardon me.
- Baby...
- Hmm?
You were right.
- I was?
- Yes.
I have been holding you
back all these years.
And I'm sorry.
You know what?
I am done being your anchor.
Let's go ride the ride.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
- Excellent.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Ooh, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Can you hold just one second?
Hold our spot.
- I'll hold it.
- Okay.
Not gonna move.
Gauntlet thrown. He's backing down.
Your plan was to take her on Dive Devil?
That's brilliant, my friend.
No, she's supposed to bail,
and then I'm gonna
turn the tables on her
and prove to her that she's
the one that's not fun anymore.
But she's not bailing.
That's [bleep]. She's bluffing.
I can tell and I'm not even there.
She wouldn't take a risk like that;
she's a mother.
She makes you fly on separate planes
whenever you go anywhere.
O-M-God, you are right.
Oh, man, it is on.
She's playing chicken
with the wrong rooster.
I'm so sick of that woman.
Okay, Kevin, come on.
I still love her. Take it easy.
I'm sorry. I know.
I came in too hot on that one.
It's fine. It's fine.
All right, empty bladder,
full heart, can't lose.
It's go time.
- Um, what?
- Oh, yeah, we're next.
Are you tingling? I'm tingling all over.
So much tingling.
Okay, called that wrong.
David wasn't faking.
Excuse me for a second.
Okay, David's not taking the bait.
I gotta go at him hard
and get off this thing,
'cause there's no way
I'm gonna scream-pee
my way through this ride.
You know what, David?
You wanna quit your job
and become a musician,
just do it, okay?
- I support you.
- Fine.
Monday morning,
I'm gonna call Sunway Airlines.
Monday afternoon, I am back on the road.
- Great.
- Yeah.
Yeah, do it. You know what? Why wait?
Hey, just call 'em now.
We can get off this thing.
Yeah, if that's the way you want it.
- It is.
- Fine.
All right, folks.
Once you're up, the only way down
is by pulling the ripcord.
Enjoy your plummet into
extreme exhilaration.
Cody, taking my break.
No, no, no, wait.
Excuse me, I thought he was gonna bail.
What? I thought she was gonna bail.
He was definitely the bailer.
Please come back.
- I want out.
- I don't wanna do this one!
- What have we done?
- I don't know.
- What have we done?
- You did this.
Oh, my God, who's gonna raise the kids?
- Oh, my God. My God.
- Okay.
- Okay, oh, my God. Okay.
- Okay.
- Don't move.
- No, no.
- David?
- Yeah.
Our last conversation on Earth
- c-can't be an argument, okay?
- Uh-huh.
Look, I'm really...
I'm really sorry that you gave up
your dreams for me and that you...
you had to take
some boring, stupid job because of me.
Sweetie, come on, let's get real.
I took that job because there
was a dope benefits package.
I mean, a 401(k) and dental?
That is rock and roll to me, baby.
I did not give up my dream job.
I bet on life with you being more fun
than anything else, and it is.
Aw, baby, that is so sweet.
I would kiss you, but I really
wanna stay very, very still.
I only said all that stuff
because it really
hurt my feelings that
you think I'm so boring
that you had to hire
a girl to flirt with me.
No, no, no, no, no.
David, I don't think you're boring.
I don't.
I just got scared that we've
forgotten how to have fun
just the two of us, okay?
You know what?
It is not our fault. It's the kids'.
It's their fault.
They're the boring ones.
- So boring.
- Yes.
Let's make sure that we take the time
to do these kinds of things more often
so we never have to do
this kind of thing ever again.
Yes, that is a deal.
All right, you heard the guy.
Only way down is to pull the ripcord.
Pull that ripcord, baby.
I love you, baby.
I'll see you in hell.
You guys, I just had
the most amazing weekend
I have had in, like, forever.
I mean, that ride was so fun.
I'd never do it again.
How was your weekend?
The worst.
We spent the whole thing
taking care of Griff.
It's thankless.
He didn't want pizza for lunch
because he had it for breakfast,
so I made him chicken nuggets,
which he didn't even touch.
So guess who ended up eating them.
Me.
And all he wanted to do was watch
the "Fast and Furious"
movies over and over.
I cannot watch a car
Tokyo drift ever again.
Guys...
I've gotta go.
- Coming.
- No.
Not you... Norman. I want Norman.
I went last time.
Well, he's asking for you.
Damn, your lives suck.
I don't want this weekend to end.
Okay, the weekend's about to end.
Put your neck brace on.
Your parents are coming up
the driveway with the kids.
Ugh, fine.
Oh, ow!
- Oh!
- Ow!
Real or fake? Real or fake?
Ow. Very real.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
Have you been there this whole time?
- Uh...
- No, no, I just... fell again.
Yeah, we were re-creating
what happened the other day, and...
Oh, save it, liars.
Look what I found on the floor.
You tricked us into taking the kids
for the weekend, didn't you?
The picture.
Yeah, all right, we did.
- Ready?
- Yup. Aah!
Look, kids,
please don't take it personally, okay?
Mommy just needed
a little time to dance.
I get it, Mom. We danced too.
And we made some new friends.
Can we please have them
over for a playdate?
Yeah, sure,
we'll call their parents and set it up.
Oh, their parents are dead.
They died in the war.
What?