I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Mad Home Wrecker - full transcript
The Bellows want to have the Nelson house redecorated for a wedding present, however the decorator they chose wants to turn the house into a nightmare.
[♪]
Hey. Jeannie.
What...?
Jeannie!
[MAGIC BOINGS]
Jeannie!
MAN: Well, lady, I think I got
the extent of this whole...
Hey, where did this come from?
Well, I just brought it
down from the attic.
TONY: Jeannie, please. Would ya?
Him too?
Master.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, no, no, no.
This is my ma...
My...
My... My fiancé.
Darling, darling.
I'd like you
to meet Mr. Gelber.
He is a junk man.
How do you do?
And please. I'm a dealer
in reclaimed marketables.
Oh, yes.
Of course.
Oh. Of course.
Sorry.
Would you help me, please?
Hey. Uh...
Are you throwing
all this stuff out?
Oh, we have to if
we are going to redecorate.
We must make room.
Uh, and my Civil War cannonball?
You're gonna throw that out too?
We're already
receiving wedding gifts,
and I have no place to put them.
Yeah. But, I mean, the...
Some of this stuff is good.
I mean, look at
the skis and... And...
Sure. You never know
when you might need a...
A moose with, uh, one antler.
Yeah. Well,
maybe you're right.
Uh... Uh, how much do you
think all this is worth?
Twenty-five bucks.
Twenty-five dollars?
Don't be ridiculous.
There's a lot of
good things here.
GELBER: Well, maybe
you're right.
Uh, 50.
Well, 50.
That's a little more
reasonable. Anyhow...
Uh, you wanna pay me now
or, uh, when I pick it up?
Me pay you?
Well, you're buying it.
Oh, no, no, no.
You misunderstand.
I'm carting it away.
Pay me when I come back with it.
Uh, wait a minute. Hey!
Wh-wh-whoa!
[CLATTERS]
Oh! Oh, master.
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Master.
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
You gave away
all my old things for this?
Yes, master.
It is our first wedding present.
Yeah.
From Uncle Yackmir.
Oh, yeah? I can see why
he gave it away.
Oh, be careful.
[SCREAMS]
Oh. Oh.
Wow!
[LAUGHING] Wow.
Jeez.
I...
I am sorry.
A couch of nails.
Oh. Yes, master.
It is very rare.
And all of my relatives
will be sending us gifts.
So you see, we have to have
someplace to put them.
Yeah, yeah. I've been thinking
about that, Jeannie.
And, uh, well, one of the things
I want to do is... I-is
do something that probably
no newlywed couple
has ever done
in their whole lives.
Yes, master.
Eh, eh...
If we get a present
that we don't like,
I wanna be honest.
I wanna say so.
Honest?
Yeah.
I hate it. Get rid of it,
would you, please?
Get rid of that thing.
Y-y-yes, master.
That really hurt.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] No, no, no, no.
Not now.
No. I got him.
Here. In here.
I got him.
I got him.
Oh... Oh...
Roger, what is it?
What is it?
Are you ready for this guy?
I caught him looting your garage
in broad daylight.
TONY:
Roger, he's a junk man.
A dealer in reclaimed
marketables.
Wait a minute. You're not
gonna give that away.
Your Knute Rockne helmet.
And your moose with the...
With the...
How much are they worth?
Fifty bucks.
Fifty bucks? Fifty bucks?
I'll give you 50 bucks.
Uh, take it to his place
for the same price?
Fifty bucks.
Here.
GELBER:
Sometimes I wish
I'd never gone into
public service.
WOMAN: Yoo-hoo! Major Healey.
Oh, its Dr. Bellows
and Mrs. Bellows.
Would you help us in
with this, major?
Oh, look at this.
Holy...
Ooh. What is in
the box?
Yeah. It's your wedding present.
I know we're a little early.
But frankly, we
couldn't wait to see
how you two would like it.
Oh. Wow.
Major Healey,
I don't have all day.
Well, he doesn't have all day.
Hey, tell me what's
in the present, huh?
Huh?
Oh, you lucky...
Yeah.
Ta-da!
[♪]
An original Helasco.
[SPUTTERING, GURGLING]
Well... how do you
like it?
[GURGLING]
[SPUTTERING]
AMANDA:
Uh, be honest now.
Oh, well. I-it is beautiful,
Mrs. Bellows.
I hate it.
She loves it!
She loves it.
I love it?
Yes. She lov...
D-Dr. Bellows,
she loved it.
It... It's a really ex...
But, you said...
And a most unusual...
It's lovely.
It really is.
We both love it.
Thank heaven.
I mean, you don't know
how chancy it is to buy
works of art for somebody else.
I mean, especially modern art.
[LAUGHS] But Alfred and I,
well, we just fell
so much in love with it,
we knew you would too.
But you know, you really can't
admire this properly
standing up.
Uh, you really
should be sitting down.
Mm.
[GURGLING, SPUTTERING]
[SQUEALS]
[LAUGHS]
Uh... Uh, you get
an excruciating
view from this angle.
[WINCES]
[♪]
[MAGIC BOINGS]
[SPUTTERING, GURGLING]
Jeannie!
I have the perfect
solution, master.
Since you love it and I hate it,
why do we not keep it here
in your office?
Huh? Because this thing
would drive me
completely up the wall.
Now, I don't love it.
I hate it as much as you do.
Oh. Oh, I understand.
We are only going to be honest
with my relatives.
No, look. I promise you that...
I promise you, I'll figure out
a way to get rid of it.
But until I do,
I want you to promise me
that I-if you see
Dr. or Mrs. Bellows,
you'll tell 'em
that you love the thing.
That you adore it.
You're crazy about it. Okay?
Yes, master.
I love it. I adore it.
I am crazy about it.
Blah.
Oh, uh, come on.
Uh, Jeannie. Say,
you forgot your...
Your...
No, she didn't.
[♪]
Tsk. Hm.
My master is right.
It is horrible.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, hello.
Hello, hello, Jeannie.
Oh, I... I knew
you'd be home.
I mean, what, with redoing
the house and all. Mm.
Have I got a surprise for you.
Ooh.
I want you to meet
Mr. Helasco...
himself.
My dear lady.
Just Helasco.
Nothing before, nothing after.
Just Helasco.
How do you do,
Mr. Helasco?
We love it. We adore it.
We are crazy about it.
[♪]
Captain Talbot experienced
slight anoxia at reentry point.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Uh, this-that's
where we ought...
Well. Here we are,
Dr. Bellows.
Hey, hey. You're not gonna bring
that thing in here, are ya?
Of course, he isn't.
It's mine.
Hm.
It's a Venezuelan yak.
Very rare.
Uh, Major Healey sold it to me
for, uh, only 50 dollars.
Huh?
Just put it in my office.
I'll figure out how
to mount it later.
Uh, yes, sir.
You paid $50 for that?
Oh, I see you liked
the Helasco so much
you decided to keep it in your office.
[GURGLING]
Sounds like it has
an upset stomach.
Thank you, sir.
Oh. That's all right.
I'll get the door.
No. You better
get the door.
There. Thank you.
Got it. Okay.
Okay.
Well. What, uh, special place
have you put, uh, the Mona Lisa?
The Mona Lisa?
My own interpretation.
Uh... You know, Jeannie.
The, uh, glug, glug, glug.
Oh. Ha.
Oh, well. Actually,
we love it.
We adore it.
Mm, "We adore it,"
we're crazy about it."
But where is it?
Well, it is right over...
there.
Well...
[GURGLING, SPUTTERING]
Oh, you could've found a place
with a little more light,
but ça be fait rien.
It'll all be changed anyhow.
All be changed?
Mrs. Bellows,
I do not understand.
Oh, that's the surprise,
darling.
You see...
Heaven.
Absolute heaven.
You like it?
A genuine Persian
Baroque couch of...
nails.
Where did you find it?
Well. Actually,
Uncle Yackmir...
No, no, no. Don't
tell me. Don't tell me.
I shall be extremely jealous.
Oh. Isn't he
marvelous?
Well, y-yes.
But why is he...
Uh, unfortunately,
everything else
is sick-making.
That stays.
Everything else goes.
Mrs. Bellows,
what is he doing?
Oh, you see, that's
the surprise, Jeannie.
Yes. Everybody
chipped in at the base
to have Mr. Helasco himself
redecorate your entire house.
It's NASA's wedding present
for you and Tony.
[LAUGHING
UNCOMFORTABLY]
Uh...
[BOTH WOMEN
CHUCKLE]
[CRASH]
[LAUGHS
UNCOMFORTABLY]
Mwah.
[HUMMING]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, Roger. Roger!
What are you doing?
What is this?
"No admittance except to
authorized personnel."
And look what you're
doing to my door.
You're putting a nail...
Don't worry about your door.
Helasco's gonna replace it.
He thinks it's "ick."
[CRASH]
Hey, what's going on
in there anyhow?
Oh. Oh, I'd like to, uh, see your pass.
[CIRCULAR SAW WHIRS]
Roge, this is my house.
Well, Helasco's gonna be
working on it for three days.
You can stay in the office.
Uh, this house is going
to be a complete surprise.
HELASCO: I said I want
this wall fuchsia,
you cretin. Fuchsia.
Fuchsia walls!
Oh, you... You better stand
out of the way, man.
I don't wanna have to fight you.
Yeah. Good. Uh...
Men.
You'll need to fight with them.
No one is allowed into
this house without a pass,
especially him.
General Schaeffer's orders.
Right, sir.
Yeah...
W-wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You hear me?
Ah, ah. We're all packed.
What about Jeannie?
I said we're all packed.
Oh?
[QUIETLY]
Shh. Don't wake her up.
Come on.
[NORMAL VOICE]
Come on. Come on.
I tell you, we're all packed.
[CIRCULAR SAW WHIRS]
[♪]
[MOANING]
No more fuchsia walls, please.
[GROANING]
[YAWNING]
[TONY GROANING]
Oh, no. No.
Oh, no. No.
Helasco.
Fuchsia.
Fuchsia walls.
Oh.
My poor master,
he looks so uncomfortable.
[♪]
Helasco. Oh.
Oh.
Fuchsia. Oh.
[SNIFFLES]
[GROANING, MUMBLING]
[SNORING]
Oh. There.
At least he will be
more comfortable now.
[YAWNS]
[♪]
Major Nelson.
Where did all this come from?
Uh, this bed,
those pillows, the...
These curtains.
Hello, Doctor Bellows.
[SCREAMS]
Major Nelson, please!
Look at me! Look at my uniform!
Uh...
What's the matter with you?
Huh, I...?
What in heaven's name is that?
[STAMMERS]
Mosquito netting, sir.
Malaria prevention.
Mosquito netting?
Yeah.
Malaria prevention?
Absolutely.
Oh, I wish you'd be more care...
Look at this!
I'll...
[SCREAMS]
What was that?
A mosquito bite.
Very painful, sir.
The whole room is full of 'em.
Hold still. Hold still, sir.
One right there.
Ow!
What's the mat...?
The whole room is full of 'em...
It must be full.
I can hear them.
Give me some of this.
Uh, no.
Give me s... Give me!
Oh. Oh.
[♪]
Ooh.
Oh, uh, General Schaeffer.
That'll be all.
Thank you.
General Schaeffer...
Dr. Bellows,
I wanted to see you.
You know...
I don't feel right about
making Major Nelson
sleep in his office while
we redecorate his house.
Well, there's nothing
to worry about, sir.
He is doing just fine.
He's got the place done up
like Ali Baba's harem.
His house?
No, no, no.
His office.
The only problem is,
is the mosquitoes.
Ali Baba's harem?
Mosquito...
Dr. Bellows, what are
you talking about?
Right this way, general.
[YAWNS]
Oh, I'm sorry, master,
but you looked
so uncomfortable, and...
And then I overslept.
Yeah. Look, we'll
talk about that later.
We'll talk about a lot
of things later.
Right now, you gotta
get me home.
Right now.
Now, Major Nelson,
would you kindly explain
to the general ju...
Where are they?
What's that, sir?
Uh, uh, the bed.
Uh, the curtains.
The bed?
Oh, oh, yeah.
Well, I returned them
to NASA supply, sir.
Uh, good morning.
How are you, sir?
An Arabian divan in NASA supply?
Uh-huh.
Good morning, Jeannie.
Nice to see you.
Oh, nice to
see you too, general.
I hope you had,
at least, a tolerable
night's sleep, major.
Oh, indeed I did, sir.
Very comfortable bed.
Weren't bothered by, uh,
mosquitoes or anything?
Mosquitoes? Oh, uh,
you're referring
to the bed with the curtains?
It was an infirmary bed.
It was the only one
they had available
in NASA supply.
Uh, general, I swear...
Oh, please, doctor.
Not in front of
the major's fiancée.
[LAUGHS]
Very good, sir.
Uh, Jeannie, would you like
to join us for breakfast?
Hey, why don't we all
have breakfast together?
Tell you what,
I'll join you later.
I have some work to finish.
Now, look, Major Nelson...
Now, you know as well as...
Yes, sir...
Oh, never mind.
Yes, sir.
[KEY TURNS IN LOCK]
Huh. Wait a minute,
fellas. Wait.
I gotta get in there.
It's my house.
I gotta get in there.
Sorry, sir.
General's orders.
Uh... Well, wait!
[GRUNTS]
[♪]
HELASCO: You don't need
it, get rid of it.
What is all this anyway?
Perfect. Take out
the drapes.
No, no. No,
no, no, no, no.
How many times must I tell you,
the place must be
kept clean of trash.
No. Fuchsia.
[♪]
[GASPS]
[ART PIECE GURGLING,
SPUTTERING]
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Who are you?
Ah!
Oh, uh, hi there.
I'm, um, from the hiring hall.
I'm your extra help.
I... I just got rid of
all the workmen.
And besides, all the
heavy work's been done.
Yeah. Well, uh...
Well, what?
Nothing.
All it needs now is
a few finishing touches.
Yeah. It looks pretty
finished all right.
What did you say?
I said I'm from the hiring hall.
I heard what you said.
Yeah, when you want me to start?
I don't want you to start.
Don't touch anything.
Sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT] Whole room
is an Helasco original.
Anything happens to it,
can't be duplicated.
Can't be duplicated, huh?
That's right.
Yeah, well. Ha-ha.
How about that?
You can tell the hiring hall
I didn't ask
for any extra workmen.
Uh. Oh, uh...
And get rid of
that sledgehammer.
The... The sledgehammer?
That's right.
Oh, right. All right.
Uh...
Oh, well, I sure am sorry
about your pussycat.
Will you please put
that sledgehammer down?
Well, where did you
want me to put it?
I'll tell... Well,
just put it down.
All right.
Ooh. Sorry.
I don't believe my eyes.
Huh?
Oh, you're having
trouble seeing.
Here, I'll get some...
Oh, you brought the candle okay.
There it is.
Don't you touch that candle.
Put that candle down.
Here, this'll help you see.
I can see perfectly well.
Because...
You have shifty eyes.
That's what you have.
Just put that candle down.
There we are. Oh! Hey, I'll see ya.
You run out...
[BLOWING]
[LAUGHING CRAZILY]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Whoo! That's done it.
Oh. Some on that.
Done it.
Done it?
Yeah.
Get out!
Huh? Oh, that's a sure
pretty little thing.
Looks like one of them
beach balls with warts on it.
"Beach ball with warts." That
happens to be my Mona Lisa.
Ah, huh? Yeah?
[GURGLING]
Oh, that's an affectionate
little thing.
Seems, uh,
quite attached to you.
[LAUGHING]
Hey, you got a right
nice place here.
Don't you put your hands
on that cannon.
Idiot! Look what
you've done.
Take your hands off those flags.
Hey, get... Will you
get out?
I'm gonna see you
thrown into jail.
You'll never work again.
Well, I was just doing my job.
Your Job?
You wrecked the house! I...
[GAGGING]
Yeah, well, that's what I do.
I'm from the Acme
Wrecking Company.
It's all right.
Uh, say,
they must've given me
the wrong address.
They're not too intelligent
down the hiring hall.
Take your coveralls and go.
[CHUCKLES]
Sure. Sure, I will.
It sure has been nice knowing...
Don't put your finger on that.
[GUNSHOTS]
[BELLOWS CHUCKLING]
Well, goodbye.
I can hardly wait
to see the house.
I'm sure you'll
love it. Heh.
[♪]
Dr. Bellows, I could cry.
Dr. Bellows, I tell you,
a mad home wrecker broke in
and destroyed the whole place.
Yes, every bit of it.
What?
No, please.
Please, don't come over.
Dr. Bellows!
[LINE CLICKS DEAD]
[GURGLING]
[GROANS]
[♪]
Shall never be able
to recreate it.
Never. In a million
years.
[SIGHS] Oh.
[CLICKING TONGUE]
A mad home wrecker.
Tsk. How horrible.
The poor man.
I love it. I adore it.
I am crazy about it.
Blah.
Heh.
Now, I must find my master
and tell him about
the mad home wrecker.
[♪]
[♪]
[ART PIECE GURGLING]
He was right.
The home wrecker
really wrecked his home.
Uh, gentlemen, I apologize
for that, uh...
The silly phone call.
But you see, I'm
subject to blackouts.
Uh, Sagittarians
are famous for it.
You mean, this...
is what you intended to do?
Down to
the smallest, uh, detail.
Just stuns you, doesn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Stun. Stun. St...
How c...? How could you?
I was the mad home wrecker.
Well, I'm sorry, master.
I did not know, and...
And I felt so sorry
for the poor man.
Yeah, well, you better
start feeling sorry for us.
We're... We're gonna have to
live in that horror. Oh.
It's nauseating.
Positively nauseating.
Tables made of cannon shells.
Lamps from machine guns.
Simply ghastly.
Well, darling, look, we'll just
have to keep them away from it.
You know, until
we can fix it up.
Well, we can't ask Major Nelson
to sleep in his office forever.
You can, sir.
You're a general.
TONY:
Hello!
Uh...
Oh. Hi.
Hello.
Everybody ready?
Uh, w-w-well, no.
Not quite. No.
There are a few
little, heh, details
that we have to work out
before you can see it.
For example:
Uh, do you like
this color drape or this color?
Uh. Oh, either one.
[GASPS] What a marvelous room.
Oh, Anthony, do you like it?
Ah. Oh, great.
Great. Yeah.
[GIGGLES]
Well. I think
we can go in now.
Oh, no, no.
We have...
HELASCO: We're ready.
Oh, no, wait. Uh...
He's ready.
I wish... I'll tell you what.
Now, why don't we
wait until, um...
I think... Well,
actually... [GASPS]
Oh.
[♪]
[CHUCKLES]
Perfect.
Beautiful.
We thank you all.
What? Stunning.
It's absolutely stunning.
My supreme masterpiece.
This isn't the room we saw.
Uh, Major Healey, tell them
about the table with the, uh...
With the cannon shells
and the lamps
with the machine guns.
Uh, in the living room, sir?
Don't worry, doctor,
they're probably
in the same place
as Ali Baba's harem.
[CRASH]
Mr. Helasco!
Mr. Helasco.
What happened?
It must be another one
of his fainting spells.
He's a Sagittarius, you know.
Is he?
So is Alfred.
[CRASH]
[MOANING LIGHTLY]
Uh. Dr. Bellows.
Are you all right, sir?
Dr. Bellows?
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Oh. Oh, dear.
Okay, just sit down
over here, sir.
Can't stand it.
All the fuchsia.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
[♪]
[♪]
Hey. Jeannie.
What...?
Jeannie!
[MAGIC BOINGS]
Jeannie!
MAN: Well, lady, I think I got
the extent of this whole...
Hey, where did this come from?
Well, I just brought it
down from the attic.
TONY: Jeannie, please. Would ya?
Him too?
Master.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, no, no, no.
This is my ma...
My...
My... My fiancé.
Darling, darling.
I'd like you
to meet Mr. Gelber.
He is a junk man.
How do you do?
And please. I'm a dealer
in reclaimed marketables.
Oh, yes.
Of course.
Oh. Of course.
Sorry.
Would you help me, please?
Hey. Uh...
Are you throwing
all this stuff out?
Oh, we have to if
we are going to redecorate.
We must make room.
Uh, and my Civil War cannonball?
You're gonna throw that out too?
We're already
receiving wedding gifts,
and I have no place to put them.
Yeah. But, I mean, the...
Some of this stuff is good.
I mean, look at
the skis and... And...
Sure. You never know
when you might need a...
A moose with, uh, one antler.
Yeah. Well,
maybe you're right.
Uh... Uh, how much do you
think all this is worth?
Twenty-five bucks.
Twenty-five dollars?
Don't be ridiculous.
There's a lot of
good things here.
GELBER: Well, maybe
you're right.
Uh, 50.
Well, 50.
That's a little more
reasonable. Anyhow...
Uh, you wanna pay me now
or, uh, when I pick it up?
Me pay you?
Well, you're buying it.
Oh, no, no, no.
You misunderstand.
I'm carting it away.
Pay me when I come back with it.
Uh, wait a minute. Hey!
Wh-wh-whoa!
[CLATTERS]
Oh! Oh, master.
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Master.
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
You gave away
all my old things for this?
Yes, master.
It is our first wedding present.
Yeah.
From Uncle Yackmir.
Oh, yeah? I can see why
he gave it away.
Oh, be careful.
[SCREAMS]
Oh. Oh.
Wow!
[LAUGHING] Wow.
Jeez.
I...
I am sorry.
A couch of nails.
Oh. Yes, master.
It is very rare.
And all of my relatives
will be sending us gifts.
So you see, we have to have
someplace to put them.
Yeah, yeah. I've been thinking
about that, Jeannie.
And, uh, well, one of the things
I want to do is... I-is
do something that probably
no newlywed couple
has ever done
in their whole lives.
Yes, master.
Eh, eh...
If we get a present
that we don't like,
I wanna be honest.
I wanna say so.
Honest?
Yeah.
I hate it. Get rid of it,
would you, please?
Get rid of that thing.
Y-y-yes, master.
That really hurt.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] No, no, no, no.
Not now.
No. I got him.
Here. In here.
I got him.
I got him.
Oh... Oh...
Roger, what is it?
What is it?
Are you ready for this guy?
I caught him looting your garage
in broad daylight.
TONY:
Roger, he's a junk man.
A dealer in reclaimed
marketables.
Wait a minute. You're not
gonna give that away.
Your Knute Rockne helmet.
And your moose with the...
With the...
How much are they worth?
Fifty bucks.
Fifty bucks? Fifty bucks?
I'll give you 50 bucks.
Uh, take it to his place
for the same price?
Fifty bucks.
Here.
GELBER:
Sometimes I wish
I'd never gone into
public service.
WOMAN: Yoo-hoo! Major Healey.
Oh, its Dr. Bellows
and Mrs. Bellows.
Would you help us in
with this, major?
Oh, look at this.
Holy...
Ooh. What is in
the box?
Yeah. It's your wedding present.
I know we're a little early.
But frankly, we
couldn't wait to see
how you two would like it.
Oh. Wow.
Major Healey,
I don't have all day.
Well, he doesn't have all day.
Hey, tell me what's
in the present, huh?
Huh?
Oh, you lucky...
Yeah.
Ta-da!
[♪]
An original Helasco.
[SPUTTERING, GURGLING]
Well... how do you
like it?
[GURGLING]
[SPUTTERING]
AMANDA:
Uh, be honest now.
Oh, well. I-it is beautiful,
Mrs. Bellows.
I hate it.
She loves it!
She loves it.
I love it?
Yes. She lov...
D-Dr. Bellows,
she loved it.
It... It's a really ex...
But, you said...
And a most unusual...
It's lovely.
It really is.
We both love it.
Thank heaven.
I mean, you don't know
how chancy it is to buy
works of art for somebody else.
I mean, especially modern art.
[LAUGHS] But Alfred and I,
well, we just fell
so much in love with it,
we knew you would too.
But you know, you really can't
admire this properly
standing up.
Uh, you really
should be sitting down.
Mm.
[GURGLING, SPUTTERING]
[SQUEALS]
[LAUGHS]
Uh... Uh, you get
an excruciating
view from this angle.
[WINCES]
[♪]
[MAGIC BOINGS]
[SPUTTERING, GURGLING]
Jeannie!
I have the perfect
solution, master.
Since you love it and I hate it,
why do we not keep it here
in your office?
Huh? Because this thing
would drive me
completely up the wall.
Now, I don't love it.
I hate it as much as you do.
Oh. Oh, I understand.
We are only going to be honest
with my relatives.
No, look. I promise you that...
I promise you, I'll figure out
a way to get rid of it.
But until I do,
I want you to promise me
that I-if you see
Dr. or Mrs. Bellows,
you'll tell 'em
that you love the thing.
That you adore it.
You're crazy about it. Okay?
Yes, master.
I love it. I adore it.
I am crazy about it.
Blah.
Oh, uh, come on.
Uh, Jeannie. Say,
you forgot your...
Your...
No, she didn't.
[♪]
Tsk. Hm.
My master is right.
It is horrible.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, hello.
Hello, hello, Jeannie.
Oh, I... I knew
you'd be home.
I mean, what, with redoing
the house and all. Mm.
Have I got a surprise for you.
Ooh.
I want you to meet
Mr. Helasco...
himself.
My dear lady.
Just Helasco.
Nothing before, nothing after.
Just Helasco.
How do you do,
Mr. Helasco?
We love it. We adore it.
We are crazy about it.
[♪]
Captain Talbot experienced
slight anoxia at reentry point.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Uh, this-that's
where we ought...
Well. Here we are,
Dr. Bellows.
Hey, hey. You're not gonna bring
that thing in here, are ya?
Of course, he isn't.
It's mine.
Hm.
It's a Venezuelan yak.
Very rare.
Uh, Major Healey sold it to me
for, uh, only 50 dollars.
Huh?
Just put it in my office.
I'll figure out how
to mount it later.
Uh, yes, sir.
You paid $50 for that?
Oh, I see you liked
the Helasco so much
you decided to keep it in your office.
[GURGLING]
Sounds like it has
an upset stomach.
Thank you, sir.
Oh. That's all right.
I'll get the door.
No. You better
get the door.
There. Thank you.
Got it. Okay.
Okay.
Well. What, uh, special place
have you put, uh, the Mona Lisa?
The Mona Lisa?
My own interpretation.
Uh... You know, Jeannie.
The, uh, glug, glug, glug.
Oh. Ha.
Oh, well. Actually,
we love it.
We adore it.
Mm, "We adore it,"
we're crazy about it."
But where is it?
Well, it is right over...
there.
Well...
[GURGLING, SPUTTERING]
Oh, you could've found a place
with a little more light,
but ça be fait rien.
It'll all be changed anyhow.
All be changed?
Mrs. Bellows,
I do not understand.
Oh, that's the surprise,
darling.
You see...
Heaven.
Absolute heaven.
You like it?
A genuine Persian
Baroque couch of...
nails.
Where did you find it?
Well. Actually,
Uncle Yackmir...
No, no, no. Don't
tell me. Don't tell me.
I shall be extremely jealous.
Oh. Isn't he
marvelous?
Well, y-yes.
But why is he...
Uh, unfortunately,
everything else
is sick-making.
That stays.
Everything else goes.
Mrs. Bellows,
what is he doing?
Oh, you see, that's
the surprise, Jeannie.
Yes. Everybody
chipped in at the base
to have Mr. Helasco himself
redecorate your entire house.
It's NASA's wedding present
for you and Tony.
[LAUGHING
UNCOMFORTABLY]
Uh...
[BOTH WOMEN
CHUCKLE]
[CRASH]
[LAUGHS
UNCOMFORTABLY]
Mwah.
[HUMMING]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, Roger. Roger!
What are you doing?
What is this?
"No admittance except to
authorized personnel."
And look what you're
doing to my door.
You're putting a nail...
Don't worry about your door.
Helasco's gonna replace it.
He thinks it's "ick."
[CRASH]
Hey, what's going on
in there anyhow?
Oh. Oh, I'd like to, uh, see your pass.
[CIRCULAR SAW WHIRS]
Roge, this is my house.
Well, Helasco's gonna be
working on it for three days.
You can stay in the office.
Uh, this house is going
to be a complete surprise.
HELASCO: I said I want
this wall fuchsia,
you cretin. Fuchsia.
Fuchsia walls!
Oh, you... You better stand
out of the way, man.
I don't wanna have to fight you.
Yeah. Good. Uh...
Men.
You'll need to fight with them.
No one is allowed into
this house without a pass,
especially him.
General Schaeffer's orders.
Right, sir.
Yeah...
W-wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You hear me?
Ah, ah. We're all packed.
What about Jeannie?
I said we're all packed.
Oh?
[QUIETLY]
Shh. Don't wake her up.
Come on.
[NORMAL VOICE]
Come on. Come on.
I tell you, we're all packed.
[CIRCULAR SAW WHIRS]
[♪]
[MOANING]
No more fuchsia walls, please.
[GROANING]
[YAWNING]
[TONY GROANING]
Oh, no. No.
Oh, no. No.
Helasco.
Fuchsia.
Fuchsia walls.
Oh.
My poor master,
he looks so uncomfortable.
[♪]
Helasco. Oh.
Oh.
Fuchsia. Oh.
[SNIFFLES]
[GROANING, MUMBLING]
[SNORING]
Oh. There.
At least he will be
more comfortable now.
[YAWNS]
[♪]
Major Nelson.
Where did all this come from?
Uh, this bed,
those pillows, the...
These curtains.
Hello, Doctor Bellows.
[SCREAMS]
Major Nelson, please!
Look at me! Look at my uniform!
Uh...
What's the matter with you?
Huh, I...?
What in heaven's name is that?
[STAMMERS]
Mosquito netting, sir.
Malaria prevention.
Mosquito netting?
Yeah.
Malaria prevention?
Absolutely.
Oh, I wish you'd be more care...
Look at this!
I'll...
[SCREAMS]
What was that?
A mosquito bite.
Very painful, sir.
The whole room is full of 'em.
Hold still. Hold still, sir.
One right there.
Ow!
What's the mat...?
The whole room is full of 'em...
It must be full.
I can hear them.
Give me some of this.
Uh, no.
Give me s... Give me!
Oh. Oh.
[♪]
Ooh.
Oh, uh, General Schaeffer.
That'll be all.
Thank you.
General Schaeffer...
Dr. Bellows,
I wanted to see you.
You know...
I don't feel right about
making Major Nelson
sleep in his office while
we redecorate his house.
Well, there's nothing
to worry about, sir.
He is doing just fine.
He's got the place done up
like Ali Baba's harem.
His house?
No, no, no.
His office.
The only problem is,
is the mosquitoes.
Ali Baba's harem?
Mosquito...
Dr. Bellows, what are
you talking about?
Right this way, general.
[YAWNS]
Oh, I'm sorry, master,
but you looked
so uncomfortable, and...
And then I overslept.
Yeah. Look, we'll
talk about that later.
We'll talk about a lot
of things later.
Right now, you gotta
get me home.
Right now.
Now, Major Nelson,
would you kindly explain
to the general ju...
Where are they?
What's that, sir?
Uh, uh, the bed.
Uh, the curtains.
The bed?
Oh, oh, yeah.
Well, I returned them
to NASA supply, sir.
Uh, good morning.
How are you, sir?
An Arabian divan in NASA supply?
Uh-huh.
Good morning, Jeannie.
Nice to see you.
Oh, nice to
see you too, general.
I hope you had,
at least, a tolerable
night's sleep, major.
Oh, indeed I did, sir.
Very comfortable bed.
Weren't bothered by, uh,
mosquitoes or anything?
Mosquitoes? Oh, uh,
you're referring
to the bed with the curtains?
It was an infirmary bed.
It was the only one
they had available
in NASA supply.
Uh, general, I swear...
Oh, please, doctor.
Not in front of
the major's fiancée.
[LAUGHS]
Very good, sir.
Uh, Jeannie, would you like
to join us for breakfast?
Hey, why don't we all
have breakfast together?
Tell you what,
I'll join you later.
I have some work to finish.
Now, look, Major Nelson...
Now, you know as well as...
Yes, sir...
Oh, never mind.
Yes, sir.
[KEY TURNS IN LOCK]
Huh. Wait a minute,
fellas. Wait.
I gotta get in there.
It's my house.
I gotta get in there.
Sorry, sir.
General's orders.
Uh... Well, wait!
[GRUNTS]
[♪]
HELASCO: You don't need
it, get rid of it.
What is all this anyway?
Perfect. Take out
the drapes.
No, no. No,
no, no, no, no.
How many times must I tell you,
the place must be
kept clean of trash.
No. Fuchsia.
[♪]
[GASPS]
[ART PIECE GURGLING,
SPUTTERING]
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Who are you?
Ah!
Oh, uh, hi there.
I'm, um, from the hiring hall.
I'm your extra help.
I... I just got rid of
all the workmen.
And besides, all the
heavy work's been done.
Yeah. Well, uh...
Well, what?
Nothing.
All it needs now is
a few finishing touches.
Yeah. It looks pretty
finished all right.
What did you say?
I said I'm from the hiring hall.
I heard what you said.
Yeah, when you want me to start?
I don't want you to start.
Don't touch anything.
Sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT] Whole room
is an Helasco original.
Anything happens to it,
can't be duplicated.
Can't be duplicated, huh?
That's right.
Yeah, well. Ha-ha.
How about that?
You can tell the hiring hall
I didn't ask
for any extra workmen.
Uh. Oh, uh...
And get rid of
that sledgehammer.
The... The sledgehammer?
That's right.
Oh, right. All right.
Uh...
Oh, well, I sure am sorry
about your pussycat.
Will you please put
that sledgehammer down?
Well, where did you
want me to put it?
I'll tell... Well,
just put it down.
All right.
Ooh. Sorry.
I don't believe my eyes.
Huh?
Oh, you're having
trouble seeing.
Here, I'll get some...
Oh, you brought the candle okay.
There it is.
Don't you touch that candle.
Put that candle down.
Here, this'll help you see.
I can see perfectly well.
Because...
You have shifty eyes.
That's what you have.
Just put that candle down.
There we are. Oh! Hey, I'll see ya.
You run out...
[BLOWING]
[LAUGHING CRAZILY]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Whoo! That's done it.
Oh. Some on that.
Done it.
Done it?
Yeah.
Get out!
Huh? Oh, that's a sure
pretty little thing.
Looks like one of them
beach balls with warts on it.
"Beach ball with warts." That
happens to be my Mona Lisa.
Ah, huh? Yeah?
[GURGLING]
Oh, that's an affectionate
little thing.
Seems, uh,
quite attached to you.
[LAUGHING]
Hey, you got a right
nice place here.
Don't you put your hands
on that cannon.
Idiot! Look what
you've done.
Take your hands off those flags.
Hey, get... Will you
get out?
I'm gonna see you
thrown into jail.
You'll never work again.
Well, I was just doing my job.
Your Job?
You wrecked the house! I...
[GAGGING]
Yeah, well, that's what I do.
I'm from the Acme
Wrecking Company.
It's all right.
Uh, say,
they must've given me
the wrong address.
They're not too intelligent
down the hiring hall.
Take your coveralls and go.
[CHUCKLES]
Sure. Sure, I will.
It sure has been nice knowing...
Don't put your finger on that.
[GUNSHOTS]
[BELLOWS CHUCKLING]
Well, goodbye.
I can hardly wait
to see the house.
I'm sure you'll
love it. Heh.
[♪]
Dr. Bellows, I could cry.
Dr. Bellows, I tell you,
a mad home wrecker broke in
and destroyed the whole place.
Yes, every bit of it.
What?
No, please.
Please, don't come over.
Dr. Bellows!
[LINE CLICKS DEAD]
[GURGLING]
[GROANS]
[♪]
Shall never be able
to recreate it.
Never. In a million
years.
[SIGHS] Oh.
[CLICKING TONGUE]
A mad home wrecker.
Tsk. How horrible.
The poor man.
I love it. I adore it.
I am crazy about it.
Blah.
Heh.
Now, I must find my master
and tell him about
the mad home wrecker.
[♪]
[♪]
[ART PIECE GURGLING]
He was right.
The home wrecker
really wrecked his home.
Uh, gentlemen, I apologize
for that, uh...
The silly phone call.
But you see, I'm
subject to blackouts.
Uh, Sagittarians
are famous for it.
You mean, this...
is what you intended to do?
Down to
the smallest, uh, detail.
Just stuns you, doesn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Stun. Stun. St...
How c...? How could you?
I was the mad home wrecker.
Well, I'm sorry, master.
I did not know, and...
And I felt so sorry
for the poor man.
Yeah, well, you better
start feeling sorry for us.
We're... We're gonna have to
live in that horror. Oh.
It's nauseating.
Positively nauseating.
Tables made of cannon shells.
Lamps from machine guns.
Simply ghastly.
Well, darling, look, we'll just
have to keep them away from it.
You know, until
we can fix it up.
Well, we can't ask Major Nelson
to sleep in his office forever.
You can, sir.
You're a general.
TONY:
Hello!
Uh...
Oh. Hi.
Hello.
Everybody ready?
Uh, w-w-well, no.
Not quite. No.
There are a few
little, heh, details
that we have to work out
before you can see it.
For example:
Uh, do you like
this color drape or this color?
Uh. Oh, either one.
[GASPS] What a marvelous room.
Oh, Anthony, do you like it?
Ah. Oh, great.
Great. Yeah.
[GIGGLES]
Well. I think
we can go in now.
Oh, no, no.
We have...
HELASCO: We're ready.
Oh, no, wait. Uh...
He's ready.
I wish... I'll tell you what.
Now, why don't we
wait until, um...
I think... Well,
actually... [GASPS]
Oh.
[♪]
[CHUCKLES]
Perfect.
Beautiful.
We thank you all.
What? Stunning.
It's absolutely stunning.
My supreme masterpiece.
This isn't the room we saw.
Uh, Major Healey, tell them
about the table with the, uh...
With the cannon shells
and the lamps
with the machine guns.
Uh, in the living room, sir?
Don't worry, doctor,
they're probably
in the same place
as Ali Baba's harem.
[CRASH]
Mr. Helasco!
Mr. Helasco.
What happened?
It must be another one
of his fainting spells.
He's a Sagittarius, you know.
Is he?
So is Alfred.
[CRASH]
[MOANING LIGHTLY]
Uh. Dr. Bellows.
Are you all right, sir?
Dr. Bellows?
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Oh. Oh, dear.
Okay, just sit down
over here, sir.
Can't stand it.
All the fuchsia.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
[♪]
[♪]