I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 5, Episode 23 - An Astronaut in Sheep's Clothing - full transcript

For their six month anniversary, Jeannie wants to knit Tony a sweater.

[♪]

[WHISTLES]

[SIGHS]

Hi, Suzanne.

Nice talking to you.

No's a no.

TONY:
Ouch!

Oh. Hi, Tony.
Oh.

Hey. Hey, that's nice.

That's good-looking.
That's gorgeous.

Is that the new, uh,
Air Force dress uniform?



Eh... I thought you
were Dr. Bellows.

Don't let anybody in
while I change, huh?

Uh, guard that door.

Well, I spend more time
watching doors.

Hey, look, I like your uniform.

I don't think the red is, uh,
too Air Force though. It's...

Yeah, well, it was
a present from Jeannie.

She thinks Air Force
uniforms are too drab.

Yeah, well, you accepted it.
What do you want?

Well, I didn't have
a chance to refuse.

Popped it on me
about 30 seconds ago.

You know Jeannie.
She's full of surprises.

Yeah, Roge.
I don't know what to do though.

I mean, every time there's
occasion to give, uh, some kind



of present, she pops in
an incredibly expensive one.

Yeah. Like a chateau,
or a yacht, or a car.

That's the saddest thing
I've ever heard.

And, you know, I hate to keep
putting her down and everything,

but I have to tell her
to put 'em back, don't I?

That's not only sad,
that's pathetic.

And tomorrow is...
Tomorrow night is

our 6-month wedding
anniversary.

Six months, mind you.

And I know she's got
some extraordinary

occasion planned,
and I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to
tell her to stop.

What's with the red suit though?
I mean, what's with the tassel?

Oh, that's the second
anniversary of my being

promoted to a major.

A drum major's outfit.
Very appropriate.

Excuse me.

Major Nelson, I wonder
if I could ask you a favor.

Ahh!

Oh, well, your...
Your drum arrived.

[♪]

[♪]

Major Nelson. What
the devil's going on here?

You... You broke Tony's drum.
I broke it?

Put your foot right through it.

I... All right, sir.
I can have it re-skinned.

Would you mind telling me

what a bass drum is doing
in your office anyway?

Yeah, well, he's very musical.

It's for my nephew, sir.
It's a gift.

You were saying,
before you came in?

Oh, yes. Yes.

They're painting
the offices opposite mine.

The fumes blow in,
and it's positively

killing my chiflera.

Really? I didn't know
you were ill, sir.

That plant, major.

Here, give it to me.
Yes.

I, uh... I just wondered
if you could, uh, keep it here

until they're finished?

Oh, certainly.
Yes, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Now, you keep it out
of direct sunlight.

Over here would be fine.

Now... you, uh,

feed it a pint of water
twice a day,

and give it, uh...

Uh, six units of vitamin B.

How about some vitamin C? Then
it won't catch a cold. Ha-ha.

I know, gentlemen, this sounds
ridiculous. But it's a present

from Amanda, and I wouldn't
want to hurt her feelings.

[DOOR CLOSES]

MAN:
I realize, commander,

that the Navy's
a good deal more relaxed

than the other services, but
that is no reason to forget

a military courtesy
like the salute.

Do you agree, commander?
Oh, yes, sir.

Absolutely.

Well then?

[♪]

Take it off, commander.

This is not the deck
of a destroyer.

Hey, Jay.
Hi, Jay.

Well... I had to run
into the general.

Yeah, I saw.

So, what's...
What's with the mittens?

Oh. Stella
gave it to me

for my birthday.
Yeah.

Uh, she made it herself.
We're having lunch,

and I thought she'd get a kick
out of seeing me wear it.

At least I don't have to worry
about women buying me presents.

Uh, Stella knitted that, huh?
It's really great.

Yeah. If, uh...

If your right arm is six inches
longer than your left.

[LAUGHING]

Say, um, why don't
you and Stella

come over for coffee tonight?

Huh? About 9:00?
Huh?

Yeah. Bring the sweater.
I'd like Jeannie to see that.

Oh, sure.
Great.

We'd love to.
Good.

Then, 9:00.
See you tonight.

Okay.

That's it.
What's it?

The... The sweater.

When they come over tonight,

I'll praise that sweater
to the skies,

and try to impress Jeannie
that a handmade gift

is much more appreciated than
one of those extravagant things

she blinks up for me.

Yeah, with your luck,
Jeannie will

probably knit you a yacht.
[CHUCKLES]

[♪]

[DOOR SHUTS]

Oh, they are a nice couple,
are they not? Yeah.

And those pictures of
the baby were adorable.

Mm. Six weeks old
and already

starting to suck his thumb.

Mm.
Master?

Mm-hm?

Did you like
Amanda Russell's sweater,

or were you just being polite?

No, no. I really
liked it.

And the nice thing
about it is that

Stella made it
herself, you know.

Now, I'd rather have
something made

by your
sweet little hands than...

Than...
Than drum major's suit.

You did not like it?

Oh, I did. I did.
I liked it a lot.

The next time I lead a band,
I'm gonna wear it.

No, I was just
speaking generally.

Master, you know something.
What?

I love you.
Ha.

I love you too.

And I'm going to
prove it to you.

How?
[GIGGLES]

I am not going to tell you.

It's going to be a surprise.

If I could reach it,
I'd pat myself on the back.

[CHUCKLES]

Hello. Is, uh,
Tracy Cernan there?

Oh, she's not?
Will you, uh, tell her

I can't make our date tonight?

She's a out of town.

Yeah. Never mind. Yeah.

Cancel that message.

Major Healy.

Oh. Oh, hi, Jeannie.

Haven't you got the wrong office?
Oh, no, no.

I wish to talk to you.
Oh, about what?

I have the most wonderful idea.

Mm-hm?
Mm.

I want to make my master
a sweater for our six-month

wedding anniversary.

Now, whatever made you
think of that?

I do not know.

It just came to me. Heh.

But my problem is,
how do I go about it?

I don't think I can
help you with knitting,

but, uh, if you'd like to
crochet, I'm very good at that.

Hey, hey, it worked.
What worked?

Listen, I was just about to...

When did...?

Hey.
Uh, don't touch that.

That's...
Uh...

That's a spring.
A spring.

I was just, uh...
Say, I was

talking to myself and, uh...

I, uh...
What are you looking for?

Oh, I'm looking
for some paper clips.

JEANNIE:
Shh.

It is a secret.

Hey, Roge...
Uh, Roge, it worked.

Shh.

Uh, Jeannie, uh, she's
knitting a sweater for you.

Okay. Listen,
I know you're busy.

I'll check with you later, okay?

Yeah. Later.
Okay.

Yeah.

Hey. You can
come out now.

I'm sorry, Major Healy,

but I did not wish to
ruin the surprise.

Yeah. Well...
Now,

how do I make a sweater?

Uh, how do you make a sweater?

Well, um, I suppose
we could, uh, get some wool.

Get some wool.

And, uh... some, uh...

What do you call those long...?

Uh, knitting needles?

Knitting needles.

And a...
A pattern.

Oh, a pattern.
A pattern.

Wh... What...? What is
the very best kind of wool?

The best kind of wool? Uh...
Uh, cashmere, probably.

Tsk. Cashmere. Of course.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN DIALECT]

[REPEATS] Why did I not
think of that myself?

Oh, thank you, Major Healy.
[LAUGHS]

And if I have enough
wool left over,

I shall knit you a sock.

Uh. See you, Jeannie.

Nice talking to you.
Yes. Goodbye.

[SIGHS]

Yeah.

Uh, just what I needed.
One cashmere sock.

There they are, major.

Aren't they gorgeous?

Yeah. They're really lovely. Mm.

You know, they're very old too.
They're very, very old.

They belonged to
Alfred's grandmother.

She gave them to me
right after we were married.

I know. Jeannie's
admired them so much,

and I was thinking
if I could match them,

they'd make a perfect
anniversary present. Oh.

Anniversary?
Why, major,

you've only been married
for six months.

Uh, well, Jeannie likes to have
an anniversary every month.

She doesn't think
one a year is enough.

[LAUGHING] You newlyweds.

You know, Alfred thinks
one a year is too much.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Uh.

Well, if you take that down
to Yamamoto's, downtown,

they have marvelous
cultured pearls.

I'm sure that they could
match them for you.

I certainly appreciate
this, Mrs. Bellows.

[GASPS] Major, you
have a chiflera.

Huh?
The plant.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, major,

I gave one of them to Alfred,

and he just adores it.
[CHUCKLES]

Oh, yes, well, you take
good care of that now.

I certainly will.
Bye.

Thank you so much.
You're welcome.

Heh-heh.

[♪]

Oh.

Doctor Bellows.
[RAPS ON WINDOW]

Doctor Bellows!

What are you doing?

Major, what are you
doing out there?

Take this, sir. Take it.

But I distinctly asked you
to take care of my...

You'll understand
in a minute. Ah!

AMANDA:
Surprise!

Oh, darling. I came by
to see Major Nelson...

Oh, now, Alfred, I know you
adore your chiflera,

but you don't have to
carry it around. Ha.

Not with you, dear.

[LAUGHING]

[♪]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Come on...
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

ROGER:
Jeannie, it's me, Roge!

[KNOCKING]

Oh, come on in, Major Healy.

The door is open.

Come... Tsk. Oh. [DOOR OPENS]

[SIGHS]

Hi, Jeannie.
I came as quick as I could.

Hey, what's wrong?
Why can't I tell Tony?

Well, you see, I have a problem.
Wait. Wait.

Don't tell me.

Well, I did as you said,
Major Healy.

I bought the needles,
the scissors, the pattern.

But my problem is how do I get
the cashmere off the goat?

[♪]

Yeah.

The cashmere off the goat.

Yeah, it's... It's
a goat all right.

Hi. Wh...?

W-where did you
get the goat?

From Tibet.

It is a Cashmere goat.

Um...
[SNIFFS]

Boy, I'm gonna
have to get rid of

my old cashmere sweaters.

Wait. I thought you weren't
gonna blink presents for Tony.

Oh, I did not
blink him. Hm.

I went to Tibet
and I bought him.

You went to Tibet...?

Boy, that's dumb.
I mean, really dumb.

You could have
gone down to the store.

You...
[CRYING]

All I did was I wanted to
buy my master a present,

and make it with
my own two hands,

like any ordinary wife.

And now I've gone and
I've messed it all up.

No, you haven't, Jeannie.
Look, I'm sorry.

I mean, I would have done
the same thing.

I mean, where else would you
get a... A Tibetan Cashmere goat?

Tibet.
Yeah, T... Tibetan.

Jeannie.

Jeannie? Jeannie?
Look, I'm sorry.

Why don't we... We'll get
Tony's electric razor,

we can shave it off and dye it,
and then we can block it.

And we can knit one
and pearl two.

Oh... Major Healy,

you are almost
as brilliant as my master.

[GIGGLES]

Please, do not tell him
anything, will you?

Oh. Wild goats couldn't
drag it out of me.

Oh.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

Oh. Oh. Go and
delay him.

Go delay him while
I hide everything.

Please hurry.
Hide. Yeah. Oh.

[♪]

[GASPS]

Goat.

Ooh.

What's... What's going on?

I was just standing by the door,
and you happened to walk in.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, where's Jeannie?

Where's Jeannie?

Oh, well, Jeannie's
in the kitchen.

Yeah.

Yeah.
Take a look at that.

Where did you get these?
They're Amanda Bellows'.

I'm having a string
made up just like 'em.

Oh. For Jeannie?
Yeah.

Oh, yeah. She'd love those.
Yeah.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] Shh.

Sh. What are we
whispering for?

I don't want her to know.
Oh, I see.

I bet you're probably
wondering why I'm here.

I just, uh...
Hello, husband darling.

Oh.
Did you have a good day?

Mm. Yeah. Great.
Great.

What is that smell?

That's my after-shave.
It is my perfume.

It smalls like wild animals
or something.

Oh, yeah. It's, uh,
called, uh...

Uh, Essence of Wild Animals.

[CHUCKLES]
Well... Well, e-excuse me.

I-I-I will finish dinner.

Yeah. Wow.

[WHISTLES]

What's the matter?

I don't know.
That smell.

Give me a piece of that candy
over there, will you? Okay.

Uh, the candy's all gone.

It can't be all gone.

It was full this morning.

Anyway, you don't want to
spoil your appetite.

It's my appetite.
Just give me a piece of candy.

Uh, Jeannie, uh, T-Tony wants
a piece of candy

and spoil his appetite.

Oh, it is all... Oh!

Yeah, you're right.
It is empty.

Well...
Yeah.

[♪]

[♪]

Now. Hold still, goat.

This will not hurt a bit.
[BUZZING]

TONY:
Jeannie? Jeannie?

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
[SHUTS OFF RAZOR]

I'm... I'm coming,
darling.

[YAWNS]

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

Goodbye, master, darling.

How...
Have a good day.

Oh, wait a minute.
I'm not going to work.

Oh. Why not?

Well, uh, for one thing,

I haven't had a chance to shave.

I can't find my electric razor.

[GIGGLES]
Oh. Well.

There. You are all shaved.

I shall see you tonight.

Now, wait a minute.

Uh, secondly, I haven't
had my breakfast yet.

Oh. How thoughtless of me.
Yeah.

There you are, darling.

It is one of those
instant breakfasts.

It is very nourishing.

Oh. Yeah. W...
Mm-hm.

We... And thirdly, uh,
today's Saturday.

I don't go to work
on Saturday, you know?

Oh. Heh-heh.

Are you, uh, planning
on staying home all day?

Well, I have a couple of errands
to run this morning.

Oh, good, darling. Have
a nice errand. Now...

Hey.

Ever since I walked
in this room,

you've been trying to
hustle me out of here.

W-what's happening,
huh?

[GROANS]

Oh. I... How could you
say that, darling? I...

I... I am perfectly
delighted

to have you at home,
so I can love you

and pamper you and...

And cater to your every whim.

Marvelous, marvelous.

Yes, darling.

You definitely shall
stay home, and you shall

go right back to bed, and I
shall bring you your breakfast.

Listen. You don't
have to go overboard.

The kitchen's fine.
I'll eat there.

Oh, no, darling.
I insist.

Look, Jeannie, will you
stop blinking.

I'm getting dizzy
with all of this.

Then you certainly should lie down.
Huh?

[GROANS]

Hey. Jeannie,
what's going on?

Oh.

[SIGHS]

Well, why fight it?

[GROANS]

Yeah.
[RINGING]

Yeah?

Oh, hello, Mrs., uh...
Mrs. Bellows.

How are you doing?

Oh, Major Nelson, good morning.

I hope I didn't wake you.

Uh, no. I've been up
twice already.

Well, I'm calling
about the pearls.

Wondering if you've been able
to match them yet.

I was going over to
Yamamoto's this morning.

Oh, good. You see,
Alfred and I are going

to a dinner party tonight,
and I wanted to wear them.

No problem. I'll drop 'em off
at your place before noon.

Oh, that's fine.
Thank you very much, major.

Okay. Bye.

[♪]

Please, goat.
[BLEATING]

I do not have much time.

All I want is a little
of your wool.

Jeannie. I'd
like to talk to you.

[GASPS] Oh, dear.

Say, Jeannie. Do you know
anything about this?

Oh. Y...
Y-your jacket.

No, it's not the jacket.

It's what happened
to the jacket.

Oh. Heh-heh.

Uh, moth?

Mo... Djinn Djinn.
Is that dog back here?

No, no, master. Honestly,
I would never do that.

I would never bring him back.
Not without asking you.

Look, Jeannie. It's not
what happened to the jacket.

It was what was in the pocket
that I'm worried about.

Oh. What was in
the pocket, master?

Nothing. No, nothing.

Well, there must have
been. You said...

It's all right. Forget it.
It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.
It's okay.

Must be around here somewhere.

[♪]

[GASPS]

Oh.

Candy?

Master. Wh...

M-master. Uh...

when are you going
on your errand?

As soon as I find
what I'm looking for.

Well, if you tell me
what it is, I could help you.

Uh, no, that's all right.

You... You go on doing
what you were doing.

[GOAT BLEATS]

Oh.

[RUMBLING]
Hey. What's going on?

Oh, it's the...

The sonic boom.

Uh-huh. Yeah.
Uh...

Master, it seems that we are
getting in each other's way

this morning.
So if you do not mind,

I think I will leave you
for a little while.

That's not a bad idea.

Okay. Have fun, darling.

Now I gotta find those pearls.

Uh...

Now, Mr. Goat, you are finally
going to get sheared.

Jeannie.

Hello, Dr. Bellows.

What's that goat doing here?

Oh, well. You see, I am
knitting Anthony a sweater.

He is what I am
knitting it out of.

If I can ever get him sheared.

Ah. I see.

Oh, Jeannie, I'm
terribly sorry to tell you,

but this is a military
installation.

Uh... We don't allow goats here.

Oh, please, Dr. Bellows,
he will not harm anything.

And I must get the sweater
finished by tonight.

Tonight?

Mm-hm.

And you haven't even
sheared the wool yet?

Oh, Jeannie, I'm
afraid that's impossible.

You see, the wool
has to be washed

and hung up to dry
for several days.

And it has to be
dyed and carded,

and spun into yarn.

It's not just as if you could...

blink your eyes

and have it all done.

No. No, no, it is not.

If it were up to me,
I'd let you work here,

but if General Schaeffer ever
came and found a goat, well...

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry, Jeannie,
but you'll have to go.

I understand,
Dr. Bellows.

Oh.
[CHUCKLES]

Come on, goat.

Come on.

There you go.

[♪]

Tsk. Major, this is
just terrible.

What are we going to do?

I don't know, Mrs. Bellows.

For the last four hours, I went
over that house inch by inch,

and they just disappeared.

I'm sorry. I don't
know what to say.

Oh, major, there's
nothing to say.

Oh. What am I going
to tell...?

[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS] Alfred?

Tell Alfred what?

I'll, uh... I'll
tell him, Mrs. Bellows.

Well, sir, do you know that
string of pearls that

your grandmother
gave Mrs. Bellows

when you got married?
Mm-hm.

Well, I'm afraid I lost them.

No, you didn't.

What?

Alfred, he's trying to tell you.

Now, I did lose them, sir.
No, no, no.

You may have lost
some pearls, major,

but they were only
paste imitations.

BOTH:
What?

Well, you see, uh, Amanda's
very careless about jewelry.

I never let her
run around with the, uh...

Uh, valuable string of pearls

like that...
Mm-hm.

So, uh, I had some
imitations made. Oh.

And I locked up the real ones
in the safe at NASA.

What are you talking about?
[CHUCKLES]

I am not careless.

You lent them to Major Nelson,
and he lost them. Mm-hm.

Now, need I say more?

I hate him when he's right.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, Alfred,
you old fuddy-duddy, you.

Uh... Uh, Dr. Bellows.

I... I was gonna
match those pearls

for a present for Jeannie.

It's their six-month
anniversary tonight.

I know.
I...

Yes, and I was wondering

if we could get to NASA
right away.

Maybe there's still time.

All right.
Let's give it a try.

Here we go.

Jeannie?

Honey, are you here?

[♪]

Hey. What are you
doing in there?

Come on out.
I want to talk to you.

Hey, what's the matter?
Are you mad at me?

Come on out.

All right. Uh...

blink me in there.

Oh.

[SOBBING] Oh, master.

I am a failure as a wife.

Honey.

Darling, now, wait a minute.

What's the matter?

I...

[SOBBING] What is it?

I wanted to make you a sweater
for our anniversary

with my own two hands,
without blinking,

with no magic.

And I bought the goat,

and I bought the pattern,

and I bought
the knitting needles.

Yes?

And I could not do it.

I would have to blink.

And I have nothing
for our anniversary.

[CHUCKLING]
Oh. Oh, come on.

Come on, it's all right.

Oh, what is so funny?

Well, I'll tell you.
Wait till you hear.

I borrowed Mrs. Bellows' pearls
to have them matched for you,

and... And the goat, uh...
I lost them.

And by... By the time
I found them,

all the stores were closed,

and there's nothing
I could do about 'em.

So I...

I don't have anything
for you either.

Nothing?

[CHUCKLING] Not a thing.

Oh.

Oh, that is wonderful.

[♪]

Oh.

Hey. Pretty cozy
in here, huh?

Mm.

Why don't we have
our anniversary in here?

Mm.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[RIPPING,
TEARING]

Master.
Hm?

What is that noise?

I haven't the slightest idea.

And I don't even care.
Mm.

Mm.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[♪]

[♪]