I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 5, Episode 14 - Never Put a Genie on a Budget - full transcript
New housewife Jeannie goes overboard when Tony puts her on a budget.
[♪]
I've just gotten word
that Major Gregorian,
the Russian cosmonaut,
has been invited to visit NASA.
Naturally, we're going
to extend him
the courtesy of the base.
It'll be interesting
to exchange views with him,
don't you think?
Yeah, I'd like to ask him
about that, uh,
female cosmonaut.
TONY:
There you are.
Thank you.
[RINGS]
Nelson's corridor.
[CHUCKLES]
I... I... Listen, I told you
never to call me here.
Oh, I am sorry, master.
I thought it was important,
or I would not have...
Well, I'm sure it's important,
but couldn't it wait?
Well, I-if that is what
you wish, master.
Yes, that is what I wish.
Uh, perhaps you could stop by
and pick me up on your way home?
Okay, where are you?
In the Cocoa Beach jail.
[♪]
[LINE CLICKS]
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
Roger, give me the car
to your keys.
The car to my keys?
The keys to your car.
You know what I mean.
Where are you going?
We have an important matter
to discuss.
Uh, sir, there's a little
emergency's come up.
Oh, did something happen
to Jeannie?
Uh, no, no, she's in a...
In what, major?
Uh, kind of a panic.
The, uh... The plumbing broke.
There's water
all over the place.
You call the plumber?
Mmm, mmm.
Well, of course
she should call the plumber.
Doesn't she know that wives
don't bother their husbands
with trivial matters,
particularly when we're
in the middle
of an important conference?
Sir, it'll take me a minute
to bail her out...
Bail the water out.
Oh, nonsense, major.
Now, she's got to begin
to learn to cope
with these things.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Come on, will ya?
For heaven's sakes,
will you kindly sit down?
You're making me nervous.
Me too.
All this over
a little plumbing job?
Oh, all right. Exactly. Exactly.
Now, as I was saying,
before you, uh,
disappeared...
Sorry.
Major Gregorian will be given
the courtesy of the base.
Oh, Major Healey,
since you're a bachelor,
you've been selected
to show Major Gregorian
around Cocoa Beach.
Well, I hope he has
a strong constitution.
You will conduct him on a tour
of the, uh, museum, the library,
and the public school system.
I hope I have
a strong constitution.
Uh, uh, sir, I really have to...
Uh, sit down, major.
Oh.
Since you're a married man,
you've been selected
to entertain
Major Gregorian in your home.
Me?
We're going to give
an elaborate party
for Major Gregorian
on Saturday night,
but first I thought, well, um...
I'd like him to see how the, uh,
typical American couple lives.
Well, you certainly picked the
right couple. TONY: Fine.
When did you say
he's arriving, sir?
BELLOWS:
Tomorrow morning.
I thought perhaps that, uh,
he could have dinner
with you tomorrow night.
Uh, that is if, uh, Jeannie will
have sufficient time.
She might be kinda tied up.
[♪]
She, uh...
She took this, huh?
That's right, major.
She went around to every store
in Cocoa Beach,
saw what she wanted
and walked away with it.
That is not true.
I charged it.
Hm. Sure she charged it.
Only she doesn't have
any charge accounts.
Hm.
Did I do something wrong?
Uh, yes, I'm afraid so, Jeannie.
Um, she doesn't really
understand very much
about charge accounts, you see.
Where is she from, the moon?
Oh, no, I'm from Babylon.
Uh, there's been
a big misunderstanding here.
Well, that's what I told
the store owners.
Uh, they're willing
to drop charges.
Oh, well, that's great.
Wonderful.
The only thing, major,
they won't take
the merchandise back.
You'll have to buy it.
Well, that's perfectly
all right.
How much do I owe?
Two thousand dollars.
Two thousand dollars.
Look at...
For all this junk.
Uh... Six suits, $900.
Twenty sweaters, $400.
Ten pair of shoes, $450.
Well, I bought
all these things for you.
Mrs. Bellows was going
shopping for her husband,
and so I wanted
to get some things for you.
I... I simply cannot
afford all this.
Oh, but that is
the lovely part about it.
You do not have to pay for it.
It is charged.
I think I better explain to you
about a charge account.
You see,
when you charge something,
you don't have
to pay for it today.
Well, that is what I said.
You have to pay for it tomorrow.
Oh.
Yeah, it's gonna take me
a year to pay for all this junk.
Well, I-I just wanted you
to have some nice things.
Oh, I appreciate that.
I like nice things too, darling.
I-I'd like a Rolls-Royce,
but I simply cannot afford it.
We're gonna have to live
on what I make.
Hey, would you mind
pulling over to the side?
I'm trying to get through.
Wow. Look at this.
A Rolls-Royce!
What a clever idea.
It clashes with the couch,
but I like it.
Jeannie, would you get rid
of this, please?
Don't... Don't... Don't.
Oh!
Oh, master!
You okay?
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Oh, I'm so sorry, my darling.
I'm glad you're all right.
Hey, would you like
to see a movie tonight?
My girl and I are gonna see
a horror movie.
The Monster That Stepped
on Cincinnati.
Yes! I will go get my coat...
We can't afford it.
Can't afford it? You kidding?
You can't afford...?
Look at this, tennis rackets.
It looks like you just
bought out the stores.
What do you mean,
you can't afford it?
Good night, Roge.
Good night?
Well, I don't suppose you'll
let me take the Rolls-Royce?
Can I drive it into the kitchen?
The bathroom? Just...
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Yeah, well, uh,
nice talking to you.
See you later.
Yeah, later.
[♪]
Would, uh,
you like to play chess
o-or w-watch television, or...?
No. We're gonna
make out a budget.
A budget?
Yes, a budget.
We're gonna figure out
how much clothes cost,
how much, uh, food,
uh, electricity,
house payments,
medical insurance,
and you're gonna stick
to that budget.
Oh, but, master, I could
blink all those things...
No, I don't want you
to blink anything ever again.
I want you to sit
right down here.
You are my wife,
and you're gonna have
to learn to live on my salary,
starting right now,
you understand?
Yes, master.
Okay.
Now, ahem, I'd like a pen
and some paper, please.
Oh, I did it again, didn't I?
All right. Ahem.
Food.
Oh, uh, excuse us, gentlemen.
This is Major Gregorian.
Major Healey.
How are you, sir?
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
Major Nelson.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
[HEAVY ACCENT]
This for me is great honor.
Uh, Major Healey
is gonna show you around
some of the cultural exhibits
in Cocoa Beach.
Uh, look, if we, uh,
get through early,
there's a couple of friends
I'd like you to meet.
I look forward.
Uh, and you're dining
with, uh, Major Nelson
and his charming wife
this evening.
It's a pleasure.
That is most kind.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, they're waiting
to show us around the base.
Gentlemen.
Uh, shall we go?
I am ready.
Oh, sir, while you're here,
what would you rather see,
blonds or brunettes?
Uh, Major Healey.
Uh, this way, major.
How about a short, bald girl?
Roger.
Jeannie, we're home.
Go on in, major.
[♪]
[SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH]
You...? You live here a-alone?
Well, not exactly.
Jeannie and I live here.
One family in...
In so big a house!
Yeah, that's right.
They will never believe me.
Good evening, Anthony.
Hello, darling.
Uh, this is Major Gregorian.
This is my wife, Jeannie.
Oh, I am very pleased
to meet you.
It is my great pleasure.
Your husband has told me
everything about you.
No, not everything.
Oh!
Oh, Anthony, you're going
to be so proud of me.
I'm always proud
of you, darling.
Wait till you see my surprise!
Good, good.
[♪]
Amazing.
I-it has springs.
Yes.
They give you all this?
Oh, no. I buy it.
You must be millionaire.
Oh, no. This is a, um,
average American house, I guess.
Wouldn't you say?
Incredible.
Darling, I don't want
to rush things,
but Dr. Bellows is gonna
come over
and pick up Major Gregorian
around 8:00.
Um, could we have dinner?
Oh, I-it is ready, Anthony.
Oh, good.
This way, please.
Uh, Jeannie's really
an awfully good cook.
Please sit down
and I will bring it right in.
You sit there, dear.
Thank you.
Could I tell you something
in confidence, Comrade Nelson?
Oh, certainly.
In Russia, we do not
live like this.
I have heard a great deal
about American prosperity,
but I never believed it.
You... You live like czar,
I-if you will excuse
the expression.
Here we are.
[♪]
[JEANNIE HUMMING]
There.
Did you make these
hors d'oeuvres yourself?
Oh, those are not
hors d'oeuvres, darling.
That is your dinner.
Uh, we're on a diet around here
to keep the old weight down,
you know.
I see.
Dig in.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[♪]
Break bread.
Tsk.
You should not bolt
your food like that.
It is not healthy.
Dessert.
And you shall have
the largest piece,
because you are the guest.
[CHUCKLING] Well,
certainly aren't gonna put
any weight on tonight, are we?
Jeannie has this fetish
about diets.
Talks about diets
all the time. Ahem.
Do you know how much
this dinner cost? Mmm?
Forty-nine cents.
That much.
And that is because the bread
only cost, uh, 5 cents.
It was three days old.
It is stale.
You mean, you eat like this
all the time?
Ah, we shall from now on.
[CHUCKLING] No, we won't.
I can explain.
See, one of the reasons...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, excuse me.
I will get it.
Will you?
Yes.
Now I see how you can pay
for car and house.
You go without food!
[CHUCKLING] Oh, no, no.
Uh, this is just Jeannie's idea
of a little joke.
We had a steak last night, uh,
that you wouldn't believe.
You are right,
I would not believe it.
Heh-heh-heh. Please.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[♪]
Hey, wow, man, really,
that's beautiful.
Um, uh, pardon me, uh,
who are you?
Didn't your wife tell you?
We're your new boarders.
[COUGHING]
I-I'm sorry.
Uh, you...
You're our new boarders?
Now I begin to understand.
Well, I wish you'd explain it
to me because I really don't.
JEANNIE: Well, this is the
surprise I was telling you about.
Hey, man, this is a very
together pad you've got here.
We're really gonna groove.
I'm afraid you're gonna have
to groove someplace else, Mr...
Oh, Dick. Dick Leary,
and this is Joan.
Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Leary, there's
been some kind of mistake.
You see, this is a private home.
Don't apologize.
That's just what we want.
A people-to-people
relationship. Dig?
Dig.
Dig.
Dig... Uh, Jeannie,
how did you...? How did...?
Well, you see,
I was out shopping
and I ran into them,
and they were looking
for a place to live
and they are going
to pay us $30 a week.
Thirty dollars!
In Russia, we do not do that.
DICK: Hey, man, are
you a Russian man?
Da.
Far out.
Uh, da.
Uh, Jeannie, could I speak
to you for a moment please?
Oh, certainly, Anthony,
uh, as soon as I show Mr.
And Mrs. Leary to their rooms.
This way, please.
Show them to their room...
To their rooms?
Comrade,
if you need any rubles...
No, no, I don't need any rubles.
Then, if you will excuse me,
I will go out
and get some dinner.
[♪]
Major Gregorian thinks
I'm a pauper.
Oh! Why, that is terrible,
master.
Whatever in the world
gave him that idea?
You know what I will do?
I will blink this whole house
into a palace of...
Darling, I don't want... Shh!
I don't want you to do anything.
Just get rid
of those people, please.
Oh, I cannot do that, master.
They have nowhere else to go.
Besides, do you know how much
$30 a week will buy?
Ten steaks, eight loaves
of bread and...
Darling, please.
Oh.
I love it
when you call me "darling."
I just melt.
[CHUCKLES]
What was it you wanted
to tell me?
Get those people out by Friday.
Yes, darling.
I will go...
fix your... breakfast.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Uh, could I...?
Do I have a clean shirt?
Oh, yes. Yes, dear.
In the bottom drawer.
Oh, thanks.
I washed them myself.
Mm-hm. Heh-heh.
By the end of the year,
we will have saved $38.42.
Oh...
Including tax!
Oh, good morning.
Peace.
Did you sleep well?
Like, heavenly.
Jeannie, could you help me find
another shirt, please?
Oh... Oh, darling.
Excuse us.
[♪]
For you. For you.
And one for you.
And it only cost
6 cents a person.
Uh, Jeannie...
Hey, man, I know
what you're gonna say,
but it's the food of the gurus
and it's very cool, believe me.
Oh, master, I am so excited.
I have figured out that
if we have rice for breakfast
every morning,
at the end of 10 years,
I shall have saved $4621.39.
Including tax.
Mm-hm.
Is that not wonderful?
Oh, it's wonderful,
but I don't think
you understand...
Oh, I want to be
the best wife for you,
so you will be proud of me.
I am proud of you.
Mm-hm.
But I don't like rice.
Oh, well, why did you
not tell me?
Tomorrow morning for breakfast
we shall have spaghetti.
Oh, good.
You sold my car.
Mm-hm.
[CHUCKLES]
[WHIMPERS]
Oh, Major Nelson.
Yes?
Uh, may I speak to you
for a moment?
Oh, yes, sir.
Uh, major,
I just had the most
incredible conversation
with Major Gregorian.
Oh?
He told me that dinner
at your house last night
consisted of half a TV dinner
and half an apple.
Now, is that any way
to treat a VIP guest?
Tony, I'm surprised at you.
Cheap, cheap, cheap.
Uh, well, it was a little
misunderstanding, sir.
A little misunderstanding?
Major Gregorian
is under the impression
that all our astronauts
are on relief
and the entire space program
is foundering
because of lack of funds.
You shouldn't have given him
that impression.
Oh, major, tell me.
Uh, I know this is personal,
but, uh, are you having any,
uh, unusual financial problems?
Oh, no, no, nothing like that.
Uh, good, then, uh,
I'm going to give you
another chance
to redeem yourself.
I've arranged for a...
For a party
to be thrown tomorrow night
in Major Gregorian's honor.
Oh, great.
A lovely gesture.
Listen, I'll bring the girls.
Maybe we can get a brunette.
Major Healey, I've already
made out the guest list,
all VIPs.
I want this to be a party
that Major Gregorian
will go back home
and talk about.
Well, I'll certainly do
everything
in my power to help, sir.
I'm counting on that,
Major Nelson.
It's going to be at your home.
[CHUCKLING] My home.
[SIGHS]
Ahem. Oh, uh, Jeannie?
Did you call, master?
[GASPS]
Yes, darling, uh,
we're giving a party.
Oh, a party! That...
Oh, that is terrible.
Why, don't you like parties?
Certainly, master, I love them,
but they are no longer
on my budget.
In three days...
In three days
I'm gonna be out of a job.
Now, we are going to give
this party, Jeannie.
Do they like rice?
[CHUCKLING] No, no.
Oh, by the way,
NASA is paying for all this.
Oh, master,
why did you not say so?
That is different.
Oh, I will prepare you
a feast fit for a sultan.
[CHUCKLING] That's my girl.
Certainly, master.
Oh, by the way,
would you ask the Learys
to stay up in their room
during the party?
Oh, yes, master.
Good, good.
JEANNIE [OVER PHONE]:
Goodbye, master.
Uh, goodbye, Jeannie.
Uh, uh, are you sure
you would not like
to stop at a restaurant
before dinner?
No, I... I really have
a surprise for you.
[♪]
Gee, all the lights are out.
That's very observant
of you, major.
I never would have noticed.
Jeannie!
Good evening, Anthony, darling.
Hello, darling.
Dr. Bellows.
Uh, good evening, Jeannie.
Major Gregorian.
Major Gregorian, Roger.
What happened
to the lights, darling?
Oh, you will be
so pleased with me.
I suddenly realized that NASA
does not pay
for the electricity bill...
Mmm.
Good evening, darling.
Fuse blew.
[TONY LAUGHS]
You didn't pay the bill, huh?
Mm!
And in one year,
we will have saved $382.39.
BELLOWS:
Major Nelson,
will you please get
these lights on?
Our guests are gonna be
arriving in a few minutes.
Uh, the... The men are
working on it right now.
Light some more candles.
Hm?
Light some more candles!
Oh. Heh.
[♪]
This is the most
incredible thing
I've ever seen.
How did you do that?
Sir?
He... He... He... He asked
how you did that.
Oh, uh, thanks, Roge.
It's an experimental
simultaneous-illumination-
candle-power project
Roger and I are working on.
Wh-wh-what'd you say
we're working on?
It's an experimental
simultaneous-illumination...
Roger!
I'd say it's rather romantic,
by candlelight.
Yes. Very nice.
Uh, Mrs. Nelson,
may I wash my hands?
No.
Why not?
Oh, because we have no water.
In one year,
we will have saved $50...
Mmm.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I like that.
Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.
What kind
of a neighborhood is this?
Well, it's just
an average neighborhood
without any water
or electricity.
Major Nelson, I didn't tell you
how important
this evening is...
To you, I mean.
I know, I know, sir.
I know.
I expect this party
to be memorable.
It will, sir.
I promise.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
I'll get it, doctor.
Hmm.
Yes?
Like, uh, your doorbell
doesn't ring.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I think you got the wrong house.
Hey, man, isn't this, uh,
Dick and Joan's pad?
No, uh, no, this is not
Dick and Joan's pad. This is...
DICK:
Hey, man!
Glad you could come.
What's happening?
TONY:
This is a private party.
Major Nelson,
would you mind telling me
what's going on here?
Who are these people?
Oh, they are friends
of our boarders.
Boarders?
You take in boarders?
DICK:
Hey, it's the Russian.
Hey, I thought you split.
Split?
BELLOWS: Uh, b-but, Major
Nelson, don't you understand?
There are senators,
this-this-there are admirals,
and all kinds of generals
coming in any minute.
Darn! Why did we leave
our petition at home?
[BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC]
TONY: Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
Uh, fellas, uh,
there's been a mistake here.
This really is a private party.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
But, miss, you don't understand!
This is all a mistake!
This is a farewell party
for Major Gregorian.
He leaves tomorrow!
[MUSIC STOPS]
Oh, why didn't you say so?
Let's play him
a little Russian music.
MAN:
Good idea, yeah.
[BAND PLAYING RUSSIAN MUSIC]
Whoo!
Hey, look who's here!
Hey, what a great party!
Gentlemen.
How are you?
All right.
Do svidaniya!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
JEANNIE: It was so much fun!
Thank you, come again.
Goodbye.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
That party really swung!
Major Healey, I'm afraid
that's not all
that's gonna swing.
Sir, I want you to know...
I warned you, Major Nelson!
Do you rea
when you brought
those hippies in here?
I can answer that!
You gave me greatest party
of my whole life!
Russian music, Russian dancing,
hospitality like in my country.
But they're hippies.
Is open house,
everybody welcome!
I shall never forget this night.
Neither will I.
Of course!
That's the way we planned it.
Russian music,
Russian folk songs,
dancing, candlelight!
We just wanted you
to feel at home.
Yes, it was a lovely party,
was it not?
Mm-hm.
You are great hostess.
Oh, and it only cost $73...
Well, we have
to be running along now.
I'll talk to you
in the morning, major.
Oh, I'll drop you off
on the way to the hotel.
Oh, Dr. Bellows,
this is for you.
Why, Jeannie, it's not often
that I receive
a love letter
from a beautiful girl.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yes, um...
Wait! Gregorian! Gregorian!
Oh, oh, great party,
great party.
Gregorian, I got...
I got the girl.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Was it not nice?
They all enjoyed themselves so.
What was in the letter?
Oh. Oh, that was
the bill for NASA.
I only charged them
for the food.
I did not charge them for the...
[♪]
I've just gotten word
that Major Gregorian,
the Russian cosmonaut,
has been invited to visit NASA.
Naturally, we're going
to extend him
the courtesy of the base.
It'll be interesting
to exchange views with him,
don't you think?
Yeah, I'd like to ask him
about that, uh,
female cosmonaut.
TONY:
There you are.
Thank you.
[RINGS]
Nelson's corridor.
[CHUCKLES]
I... I... Listen, I told you
never to call me here.
Oh, I am sorry, master.
I thought it was important,
or I would not have...
Well, I'm sure it's important,
but couldn't it wait?
Well, I-if that is what
you wish, master.
Yes, that is what I wish.
Uh, perhaps you could stop by
and pick me up on your way home?
Okay, where are you?
In the Cocoa Beach jail.
[♪]
[LINE CLICKS]
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
Roger, give me the car
to your keys.
The car to my keys?
The keys to your car.
You know what I mean.
Where are you going?
We have an important matter
to discuss.
Uh, sir, there's a little
emergency's come up.
Oh, did something happen
to Jeannie?
Uh, no, no, she's in a...
In what, major?
Uh, kind of a panic.
The, uh... The plumbing broke.
There's water
all over the place.
You call the plumber?
Mmm, mmm.
Well, of course
she should call the plumber.
Doesn't she know that wives
don't bother their husbands
with trivial matters,
particularly when we're
in the middle
of an important conference?
Sir, it'll take me a minute
to bail her out...
Bail the water out.
Oh, nonsense, major.
Now, she's got to begin
to learn to cope
with these things.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Come on, will ya?
For heaven's sakes,
will you kindly sit down?
You're making me nervous.
Me too.
All this over
a little plumbing job?
Oh, all right. Exactly. Exactly.
Now, as I was saying,
before you, uh,
disappeared...
Sorry.
Major Gregorian will be given
the courtesy of the base.
Oh, Major Healey,
since you're a bachelor,
you've been selected
to show Major Gregorian
around Cocoa Beach.
Well, I hope he has
a strong constitution.
You will conduct him on a tour
of the, uh, museum, the library,
and the public school system.
I hope I have
a strong constitution.
Uh, uh, sir, I really have to...
Uh, sit down, major.
Oh.
Since you're a married man,
you've been selected
to entertain
Major Gregorian in your home.
Me?
We're going to give
an elaborate party
for Major Gregorian
on Saturday night,
but first I thought, well, um...
I'd like him to see how the, uh,
typical American couple lives.
Well, you certainly picked the
right couple. TONY: Fine.
When did you say
he's arriving, sir?
BELLOWS:
Tomorrow morning.
I thought perhaps that, uh,
he could have dinner
with you tomorrow night.
Uh, that is if, uh, Jeannie will
have sufficient time.
She might be kinda tied up.
[♪]
She, uh...
She took this, huh?
That's right, major.
She went around to every store
in Cocoa Beach,
saw what she wanted
and walked away with it.
That is not true.
I charged it.
Hm. Sure she charged it.
Only she doesn't have
any charge accounts.
Hm.
Did I do something wrong?
Uh, yes, I'm afraid so, Jeannie.
Um, she doesn't really
understand very much
about charge accounts, you see.
Where is she from, the moon?
Oh, no, I'm from Babylon.
Uh, there's been
a big misunderstanding here.
Well, that's what I told
the store owners.
Uh, they're willing
to drop charges.
Oh, well, that's great.
Wonderful.
The only thing, major,
they won't take
the merchandise back.
You'll have to buy it.
Well, that's perfectly
all right.
How much do I owe?
Two thousand dollars.
Two thousand dollars.
Look at...
For all this junk.
Uh... Six suits, $900.
Twenty sweaters, $400.
Ten pair of shoes, $450.
Well, I bought
all these things for you.
Mrs. Bellows was going
shopping for her husband,
and so I wanted
to get some things for you.
I... I simply cannot
afford all this.
Oh, but that is
the lovely part about it.
You do not have to pay for it.
It is charged.
I think I better explain to you
about a charge account.
You see,
when you charge something,
you don't have
to pay for it today.
Well, that is what I said.
You have to pay for it tomorrow.
Oh.
Yeah, it's gonna take me
a year to pay for all this junk.
Well, I-I just wanted you
to have some nice things.
Oh, I appreciate that.
I like nice things too, darling.
I-I'd like a Rolls-Royce,
but I simply cannot afford it.
We're gonna have to live
on what I make.
Hey, would you mind
pulling over to the side?
I'm trying to get through.
Wow. Look at this.
A Rolls-Royce!
What a clever idea.
It clashes with the couch,
but I like it.
Jeannie, would you get rid
of this, please?
Don't... Don't... Don't.
Oh!
Oh, master!
You okay?
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Oh, I'm so sorry, my darling.
I'm glad you're all right.
Hey, would you like
to see a movie tonight?
My girl and I are gonna see
a horror movie.
The Monster That Stepped
on Cincinnati.
Yes! I will go get my coat...
We can't afford it.
Can't afford it? You kidding?
You can't afford...?
Look at this, tennis rackets.
It looks like you just
bought out the stores.
What do you mean,
you can't afford it?
Good night, Roge.
Good night?
Well, I don't suppose you'll
let me take the Rolls-Royce?
Can I drive it into the kitchen?
The bathroom? Just...
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Yeah, well, uh,
nice talking to you.
See you later.
Yeah, later.
[♪]
Would, uh,
you like to play chess
o-or w-watch television, or...?
No. We're gonna
make out a budget.
A budget?
Yes, a budget.
We're gonna figure out
how much clothes cost,
how much, uh, food,
uh, electricity,
house payments,
medical insurance,
and you're gonna stick
to that budget.
Oh, but, master, I could
blink all those things...
No, I don't want you
to blink anything ever again.
I want you to sit
right down here.
You are my wife,
and you're gonna have
to learn to live on my salary,
starting right now,
you understand?
Yes, master.
Okay.
Now, ahem, I'd like a pen
and some paper, please.
Oh, I did it again, didn't I?
All right. Ahem.
Food.
Oh, uh, excuse us, gentlemen.
This is Major Gregorian.
Major Healey.
How are you, sir?
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
Major Nelson.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
[HEAVY ACCENT]
This for me is great honor.
Uh, Major Healey
is gonna show you around
some of the cultural exhibits
in Cocoa Beach.
Uh, look, if we, uh,
get through early,
there's a couple of friends
I'd like you to meet.
I look forward.
Uh, and you're dining
with, uh, Major Nelson
and his charming wife
this evening.
It's a pleasure.
That is most kind.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, they're waiting
to show us around the base.
Gentlemen.
Uh, shall we go?
I am ready.
Oh, sir, while you're here,
what would you rather see,
blonds or brunettes?
Uh, Major Healey.
Uh, this way, major.
How about a short, bald girl?
Roger.
Jeannie, we're home.
Go on in, major.
[♪]
[SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH]
You...? You live here a-alone?
Well, not exactly.
Jeannie and I live here.
One family in...
In so big a house!
Yeah, that's right.
They will never believe me.
Good evening, Anthony.
Hello, darling.
Uh, this is Major Gregorian.
This is my wife, Jeannie.
Oh, I am very pleased
to meet you.
It is my great pleasure.
Your husband has told me
everything about you.
No, not everything.
Oh!
Oh, Anthony, you're going
to be so proud of me.
I'm always proud
of you, darling.
Wait till you see my surprise!
Good, good.
[♪]
Amazing.
I-it has springs.
Yes.
They give you all this?
Oh, no. I buy it.
You must be millionaire.
Oh, no. This is a, um,
average American house, I guess.
Wouldn't you say?
Incredible.
Darling, I don't want
to rush things,
but Dr. Bellows is gonna
come over
and pick up Major Gregorian
around 8:00.
Um, could we have dinner?
Oh, I-it is ready, Anthony.
Oh, good.
This way, please.
Uh, Jeannie's really
an awfully good cook.
Please sit down
and I will bring it right in.
You sit there, dear.
Thank you.
Could I tell you something
in confidence, Comrade Nelson?
Oh, certainly.
In Russia, we do not
live like this.
I have heard a great deal
about American prosperity,
but I never believed it.
You... You live like czar,
I-if you will excuse
the expression.
Here we are.
[♪]
[JEANNIE HUMMING]
There.
Did you make these
hors d'oeuvres yourself?
Oh, those are not
hors d'oeuvres, darling.
That is your dinner.
Uh, we're on a diet around here
to keep the old weight down,
you know.
I see.
Dig in.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[♪]
Break bread.
Tsk.
You should not bolt
your food like that.
It is not healthy.
Dessert.
And you shall have
the largest piece,
because you are the guest.
[CHUCKLING] Well,
certainly aren't gonna put
any weight on tonight, are we?
Jeannie has this fetish
about diets.
Talks about diets
all the time. Ahem.
Do you know how much
this dinner cost? Mmm?
Forty-nine cents.
That much.
And that is because the bread
only cost, uh, 5 cents.
It was three days old.
It is stale.
You mean, you eat like this
all the time?
Ah, we shall from now on.
[CHUCKLING] No, we won't.
I can explain.
See, one of the reasons...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, excuse me.
I will get it.
Will you?
Yes.
Now I see how you can pay
for car and house.
You go without food!
[CHUCKLING] Oh, no, no.
Uh, this is just Jeannie's idea
of a little joke.
We had a steak last night, uh,
that you wouldn't believe.
You are right,
I would not believe it.
Heh-heh-heh. Please.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[♪]
Hey, wow, man, really,
that's beautiful.
Um, uh, pardon me, uh,
who are you?
Didn't your wife tell you?
We're your new boarders.
[COUGHING]
I-I'm sorry.
Uh, you...
You're our new boarders?
Now I begin to understand.
Well, I wish you'd explain it
to me because I really don't.
JEANNIE: Well, this is the
surprise I was telling you about.
Hey, man, this is a very
together pad you've got here.
We're really gonna groove.
I'm afraid you're gonna have
to groove someplace else, Mr...
Oh, Dick. Dick Leary,
and this is Joan.
Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Leary, there's
been some kind of mistake.
You see, this is a private home.
Don't apologize.
That's just what we want.
A people-to-people
relationship. Dig?
Dig.
Dig.
Dig... Uh, Jeannie,
how did you...? How did...?
Well, you see,
I was out shopping
and I ran into them,
and they were looking
for a place to live
and they are going
to pay us $30 a week.
Thirty dollars!
In Russia, we do not do that.
DICK: Hey, man, are
you a Russian man?
Da.
Far out.
Uh, da.
Uh, Jeannie, could I speak
to you for a moment please?
Oh, certainly, Anthony,
uh, as soon as I show Mr.
And Mrs. Leary to their rooms.
This way, please.
Show them to their room...
To their rooms?
Comrade,
if you need any rubles...
No, no, I don't need any rubles.
Then, if you will excuse me,
I will go out
and get some dinner.
[♪]
Major Gregorian thinks
I'm a pauper.
Oh! Why, that is terrible,
master.
Whatever in the world
gave him that idea?
You know what I will do?
I will blink this whole house
into a palace of...
Darling, I don't want... Shh!
I don't want you to do anything.
Just get rid
of those people, please.
Oh, I cannot do that, master.
They have nowhere else to go.
Besides, do you know how much
$30 a week will buy?
Ten steaks, eight loaves
of bread and...
Darling, please.
Oh.
I love it
when you call me "darling."
I just melt.
[CHUCKLES]
What was it you wanted
to tell me?
Get those people out by Friday.
Yes, darling.
I will go...
fix your... breakfast.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Uh, could I...?
Do I have a clean shirt?
Oh, yes. Yes, dear.
In the bottom drawer.
Oh, thanks.
I washed them myself.
Mm-hm. Heh-heh.
By the end of the year,
we will have saved $38.42.
Oh...
Including tax!
Oh, good morning.
Peace.
Did you sleep well?
Like, heavenly.
Jeannie, could you help me find
another shirt, please?
Oh... Oh, darling.
Excuse us.
[♪]
For you. For you.
And one for you.
And it only cost
6 cents a person.
Uh, Jeannie...
Hey, man, I know
what you're gonna say,
but it's the food of the gurus
and it's very cool, believe me.
Oh, master, I am so excited.
I have figured out that
if we have rice for breakfast
every morning,
at the end of 10 years,
I shall have saved $4621.39.
Including tax.
Mm-hm.
Is that not wonderful?
Oh, it's wonderful,
but I don't think
you understand...
Oh, I want to be
the best wife for you,
so you will be proud of me.
I am proud of you.
Mm-hm.
But I don't like rice.
Oh, well, why did you
not tell me?
Tomorrow morning for breakfast
we shall have spaghetti.
Oh, good.
You sold my car.
Mm-hm.
[CHUCKLES]
[WHIMPERS]
Oh, Major Nelson.
Yes?
Uh, may I speak to you
for a moment?
Oh, yes, sir.
Uh, major,
I just had the most
incredible conversation
with Major Gregorian.
Oh?
He told me that dinner
at your house last night
consisted of half a TV dinner
and half an apple.
Now, is that any way
to treat a VIP guest?
Tony, I'm surprised at you.
Cheap, cheap, cheap.
Uh, well, it was a little
misunderstanding, sir.
A little misunderstanding?
Major Gregorian
is under the impression
that all our astronauts
are on relief
and the entire space program
is foundering
because of lack of funds.
You shouldn't have given him
that impression.
Oh, major, tell me.
Uh, I know this is personal,
but, uh, are you having any,
uh, unusual financial problems?
Oh, no, no, nothing like that.
Uh, good, then, uh,
I'm going to give you
another chance
to redeem yourself.
I've arranged for a...
For a party
to be thrown tomorrow night
in Major Gregorian's honor.
Oh, great.
A lovely gesture.
Listen, I'll bring the girls.
Maybe we can get a brunette.
Major Healey, I've already
made out the guest list,
all VIPs.
I want this to be a party
that Major Gregorian
will go back home
and talk about.
Well, I'll certainly do
everything
in my power to help, sir.
I'm counting on that,
Major Nelson.
It's going to be at your home.
[CHUCKLING] My home.
[SIGHS]
Ahem. Oh, uh, Jeannie?
Did you call, master?
[GASPS]
Yes, darling, uh,
we're giving a party.
Oh, a party! That...
Oh, that is terrible.
Why, don't you like parties?
Certainly, master, I love them,
but they are no longer
on my budget.
In three days...
In three days
I'm gonna be out of a job.
Now, we are going to give
this party, Jeannie.
Do they like rice?
[CHUCKLING] No, no.
Oh, by the way,
NASA is paying for all this.
Oh, master,
why did you not say so?
That is different.
Oh, I will prepare you
a feast fit for a sultan.
[CHUCKLING] That's my girl.
Certainly, master.
Oh, by the way,
would you ask the Learys
to stay up in their room
during the party?
Oh, yes, master.
Good, good.
JEANNIE [OVER PHONE]:
Goodbye, master.
Uh, goodbye, Jeannie.
Uh, uh, are you sure
you would not like
to stop at a restaurant
before dinner?
No, I... I really have
a surprise for you.
[♪]
Gee, all the lights are out.
That's very observant
of you, major.
I never would have noticed.
Jeannie!
Good evening, Anthony, darling.
Hello, darling.
Dr. Bellows.
Uh, good evening, Jeannie.
Major Gregorian.
Major Gregorian, Roger.
What happened
to the lights, darling?
Oh, you will be
so pleased with me.
I suddenly realized that NASA
does not pay
for the electricity bill...
Mmm.
Good evening, darling.
Fuse blew.
[TONY LAUGHS]
You didn't pay the bill, huh?
Mm!
And in one year,
we will have saved $382.39.
BELLOWS:
Major Nelson,
will you please get
these lights on?
Our guests are gonna be
arriving in a few minutes.
Uh, the... The men are
working on it right now.
Light some more candles.
Hm?
Light some more candles!
Oh. Heh.
[♪]
This is the most
incredible thing
I've ever seen.
How did you do that?
Sir?
He... He... He... He asked
how you did that.
Oh, uh, thanks, Roge.
It's an experimental
simultaneous-illumination-
candle-power project
Roger and I are working on.
Wh-wh-what'd you say
we're working on?
It's an experimental
simultaneous-illumination...
Roger!
I'd say it's rather romantic,
by candlelight.
Yes. Very nice.
Uh, Mrs. Nelson,
may I wash my hands?
No.
Why not?
Oh, because we have no water.
In one year,
we will have saved $50...
Mmm.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I like that.
Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.
What kind
of a neighborhood is this?
Well, it's just
an average neighborhood
without any water
or electricity.
Major Nelson, I didn't tell you
how important
this evening is...
To you, I mean.
I know, I know, sir.
I know.
I expect this party
to be memorable.
It will, sir.
I promise.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
I'll get it, doctor.
Hmm.
Yes?
Like, uh, your doorbell
doesn't ring.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I think you got the wrong house.
Hey, man, isn't this, uh,
Dick and Joan's pad?
No, uh, no, this is not
Dick and Joan's pad. This is...
DICK:
Hey, man!
Glad you could come.
What's happening?
TONY:
This is a private party.
Major Nelson,
would you mind telling me
what's going on here?
Who are these people?
Oh, they are friends
of our boarders.
Boarders?
You take in boarders?
DICK:
Hey, it's the Russian.
Hey, I thought you split.
Split?
BELLOWS: Uh, b-but, Major
Nelson, don't you understand?
There are senators,
this-this-there are admirals,
and all kinds of generals
coming in any minute.
Darn! Why did we leave
our petition at home?
[BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC]
TONY: Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
Uh, fellas, uh,
there's been a mistake here.
This really is a private party.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
But, miss, you don't understand!
This is all a mistake!
This is a farewell party
for Major Gregorian.
He leaves tomorrow!
[MUSIC STOPS]
Oh, why didn't you say so?
Let's play him
a little Russian music.
MAN:
Good idea, yeah.
[BAND PLAYING RUSSIAN MUSIC]
Whoo!
Hey, look who's here!
Hey, what a great party!
Gentlemen.
How are you?
All right.
Do svidaniya!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
JEANNIE: It was so much fun!
Thank you, come again.
Goodbye.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
That party really swung!
Major Healey, I'm afraid
that's not all
that's gonna swing.
Sir, I want you to know...
I warned you, Major Nelson!
Do you rea
when you brought
those hippies in here?
I can answer that!
You gave me greatest party
of my whole life!
Russian music, Russian dancing,
hospitality like in my country.
But they're hippies.
Is open house,
everybody welcome!
I shall never forget this night.
Neither will I.
Of course!
That's the way we planned it.
Russian music,
Russian folk songs,
dancing, candlelight!
We just wanted you
to feel at home.
Yes, it was a lovely party,
was it not?
Mm-hm.
You are great hostess.
Oh, and it only cost $73...
Well, we have
to be running along now.
I'll talk to you
in the morning, major.
Oh, I'll drop you off
on the way to the hotel.
Oh, Dr. Bellows,
this is for you.
Why, Jeannie, it's not often
that I receive
a love letter
from a beautiful girl.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yes, um...
Wait! Gregorian! Gregorian!
Oh, oh, great party,
great party.
Gregorian, I got...
I got the girl.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Was it not nice?
They all enjoyed themselves so.
What was in the letter?
Oh. Oh, that was
the bill for NASA.
I only charged them
for the food.
I did not charge them for the...
[♪]