I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 5, Episode 10 - Uncle a Go-Go - full transcript

Two of Jeannie's English uncles show up to approve Tony prior to their marriage.

[♪]

Stay there.

Oh.

[SIGHING] I am not sure.

Ooh, peculiar.

Not at all, my dear.

Collages are arranged
in this manner

in the best houses.

Oh, Uncle Azmire.

It's a distinct pleasure
to see you, my dear.

I came as soon
as I heard, of course.



Oh, well, it is good
to see you too, uncle. Heh.

As soon as you heard what?

Why, that you
were getting married.

As the eldest son
of the seventh son,

it is, of course,
my familial duty

to approve your future husband.

Is it? Heh. I did not know.

Ah, it's the same all over.

The younger generation
has no respect for tradition.

I assure you, my dear, hm,

that without my approval,
you cannot get married.

Now that's what I calls art.

Uncle Vasmir! You too?

In the flesh.
Sorry I'm late.



I left right after
the sixth race.

Give me a buzz, love.
[GIGGLES]

Vasmir, you have chosen
to pay a visit

at an extremely
inopportune moment.

Well, coo-ee!

If I'd a known you was
gonna have the gentry here,

I would've worn my boiled shirt.

She's my niece too, coz.

That is something
the entire family

would prefer to forget.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, dear. Uncles, why do you
not shake hands?

And I am the seventh son
of the eldest son, ain't I?

Every family
has its black sheep.

Which makes it me boundin' duty
to put the okay

on Jeannie's future hubby,
don't it?

Does it?
No!

That is the duty
of the eldest son

of the seventh son: Me!

Not in my racing chart.

It's the seventh son
of the eldest son,

yours truly.

You old pickled son
of a wall-eyed codfish.

[GASPS]

Uncle Vasmir, please!

Looks better that way, don't it?

[HUFFING]

Don't you mouth your lower-class
epithets at me,

you parvenu!

Oh, uncles, you're being silly.

All right, so that's the way
it is, is it?

All right,
five rounds, and the winner

gets to approve Jeannie's hubby.

Nothing would give me
greater pleasure.

The Marquis of Queensbury,
of course.

Uncles, uncles, please.

You are being ridiculous.

This is so silly!

Please, my master
will be home any instant, and...

And then you will both see
what a wonderful man he is.

Jeannie, I'm home.

Hey, did you see this article
in the paper about me? Huh?

You rotten...

Oh! Oh, master!

Well, he may be wonderful,

but he can't take a punch,
can he?

[♪]

Oh, uncles,
look what you have done!

Oh, master.

[CRYING]

This is terrible!

Now see here, coz.
You made her cry.

Oh, Jeannie, forgive me.
I forgot myself.

Look, we're making it up.
No hard feelings, coz.

Mmm.

Oh, oh, he is waking up.

Oh, poor master.

Darling, sweet little master.
Argh.

I'm afraid
his state of consciousness

is somewhat premature.

Oh! Uncle Azmire!

And now, Vasmir, kindly vanish.

Jeannie and I have the approval

of her future husband
to discuss.

Not without me, you ain't.

It's me what gets to say
thumbs down or thumbs up.

AZMIRE:
What you say is of no account.

By order of the Great Djinn,

it is the eldest son
of the seventh son.

As it so happens,

I was with the Great Djinn
last night in Monte Carlo.

Heh, heh, heh.
Broke the bank, he did.

And he says to me,
"Vasmir," he says,

"You go approve
of Jeannie's future husband."

Me and the Great Djinn
is like that. Hm.

Jeannie, I warn you.

I shall be very severe.

I shall not allow
my favorite niece

to get married to a man
who is not a true gentleman.

Well, I'm certainly not
gonna let you get spliced

to a stuffy cove like him.

Well, how in the world
is my master

ever going to please
both of you?

Mm, uh, please who?

Sorry, guv.

We ain't quite ready
for you yet.

Oh!

How are you going
to approve of him

if you do not let him wake up?

Because he may not know

that he is being investigated.
Right.

VASMIR:
For once.

We always does it incommunicado.

He means incognito.

But he's already seen
both of you.

Well, I can fix that
easy enough.

I'll put him back outside.

He won't even remember a thing.

Now, you go on just as usual,
and I'll be taking notes.

And so will I.

[♪]

Uncle, uncle,
wh-what will happen

if you do not approve of him?

Oh, don't worry, my dear.

You won't have to face
an unpleasant scene.

I'll simply get rid of him.

Get rid of him?
Oh, but Uncle, I...

[DOOR OPENS]

TONY:
Jeannie, I'm home!

Oh!

A true gentleman
who is not stuffy.

Oh, dear.
Good evening, master.

Hi, Jeannie.
Oh, hello, duchess.

Uh, there's
a wonderful article...

'Allo, darlin', how about
giving us a little buzz?

Ow, my jaw. Wow.

Oh, hey, uh, there's a...

Huh? Oh, what
is the matter, master?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess I've been
working too hard.

Boy, what a day, huh?

Hey, there's a great article
in here by Dr. Bell...

Ah, don't do that!
What is it?

A gentleman does not
put his feet on the furniture.

Huh?
What, are you kidding?

[LAUGHING]

Yes, that is right, master.
I am kidding.

Because you are such a...

A fun, non-stuffy person
to be with. Poo-poo-pee-do.

What, are you having an attack
of schizophrenia or something?

What's the matter with you?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, that is funny, master.
Oh-ho-ho.

You are truly a card.

Uh, okay, I give up.
What's going on?

It is time
to dress for dinner, master.

Dress...
Not until you...

What do you mean, dress
for dinner? I'm not gonna...

A true gentleman
always dresses for dinner.

Heh, I think.

You're kidding. I'm perfectly
happy with what I got on.

At least I was.

Now, shall we go in?

Oh, well.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[GIGGLING]

Ahh.

Oh, well, that's great.

Sensational,
as a matter of fact.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh. Sorry, your ladyship.

Oh, that is good, master.
That is very good.

Hey, this looks sensational.

Well, are we gonna eat
or just admire the table?

Uh, well, of course
we are going to eat.

Fish and chips, love. Dig in.

[LAUGHING]

TONY: Fish and chips
for a formal dinner?

Wow!
Oh!

Oh, my goodness, you are right.
Huh?

Oh, well, that's better.

TONY:
Mmm, mmm, good!

Mmm!

Well, Roger,
it was really weird.

All night long, Jeannie kept
switching back and forth

between the Duchess of Windsor
and a ladies' roller derby.

Well, maybe she's turned
into a youthful rebel

searching for her identity.

She's a genie.
That's her identity.

Oh, and this morning...

This morning just as
I was leaving she said,

"Remember, master, if anybody
happens to ask you,

just tell them that you're
a non-stuffy gentleman."

Well, what do you make of that?

I wouldn't worry about
the gentleman part.

But I wonder if she'd
settle for a semi-stuffy?

Roger, no, I mean about Jeannie.

What do you think about her?

Well, for a gal who won't

blink her master's best friend
a million dollars,

I'd say she's okay.

Roger, you're worthless.

Well, not if I had
a million dollars.

I better get this
to Dr. Bellows.

All right. Which one
of you blokes is Major Nelson?

Uh, oh, I am, sir.
May I help you?

VASMIR:
Oh, I hope so, guv. I hope so.

Ah, care to buy a couple
of sweepstake tickets?

Oh, uh, no, no.
Thank you very much.

No? No, "Thank you very much.
May I help you?"

Being a bit formal, ain't you?

Uh, listen, sir,

about those sweepstake tickets,
maybe I...

Now, you stay out of this, guv.

It's him I'm interested in.

[WHISPERS] Yeah.

Well, mate, buying or not?

Oh, no, no, thanks.

Oh, no, thanks.
Not a bettin' man, eh?

I was afraid of that.
[CHUCKLES]

Care for a little drinky
once in a while?

[LAUGHS]

Well, y...
Uh, par-pardon me.

Did anybody issue you a pass
when you came on?

When you come onto a NASA base,

you're supposed
to have a pass, see.

Stickler for details.
Worse and worse.

Oh, uh, Major Nelson,
I'd like to talk to you about...

Oh, excuse me.
I-I didn't know you were busy.

Oh, that...
That's all right, sir.

I was just about
to call a security guard.

This gentleman
doesn't have a pass.

Then what's he doing
in you office?

Selling sweepstake tickets.

All right!
You're bending the coat.

All right, I'll take care of it.

Uh, sir...
Come along.

I wanted to talk to you
about the plans here.

I'll see you in my office
in 10 minutes.

Oh, uh, Major Healey,
give me a hand.

I'm warning you guys.

I'm here
on very important business.

All right, now...
This way, sir.

I'd certainly like to know

how you slipped past
the security guards.

I have me methods.

Listen, I heard Major Nelson
call you a doc.

That's right, Dr. Bellows
is the NASA psychiatrist.

Major Healey,
that's none of his business.

A shrink?

You can't call Dr. Bellows
a shrink, sir.

I mean, a shrink
is not exactly... I mean...

[♪]

Sergeant, see that this man
leaves the base,

and be sure
that he's not allowed back in.

Yes, sir.

Not me, sergeant. Him.

What cheek these bloomin'
gatecrashers have.

What am I doing
in these clothes?

You know, I never
realized it before,

but you two look
an awful lot alike.

Sergeant, let me go.

I have no time to
discuss it further, mate.

Take him away, sergeant major.

ROGER: Sorry about
those tickets.

I would've bought
a couple of 'em.

Major Healey, wait!

I don't know what security
on this base is coming to.

That man doesn't
have a pass either.

Well, h-how do you know, sir?

I'm a psychiatrist, ain't I?

Isn't that "aren't I", sir?

Get rid of him.

Right-o.

Now to find me office,

and that Major Anthony
"Stuffy" Nelson.

[MUMBLING]

Now then, guv.
Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, uh, Major Nelson,

what was it
you wanted to see me about?

Oh, yes, sir.
It's about the plans.

The, uh,
service-propulsion system.

The nozzle...
Uh, yes, of course.

Uh, care to find the pea?

The pea?

Oh, is that some new
psychological test?

No, it's not a test.

It's a game of skill,
and eye and hand coordination.

You put up a quid,
I put up a quid.

A quid?

Oh, I mean dollar.

You guess
where the pea is, you win.

[IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
Come on, mate. Have a go.

Ha-ha. Are you feeling
all right, sir?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I never felt better.

Of course. I know.

You're a Yank.

[MAGIC BOINGS]

I'll bet your game is craps.

[CHUCKLES]

Here we go, here we go.

Well, I-I didn't know
you were a gambling man.

That's all you know.
Here we go.

Seven come 11.

Give me points five.
Five is me point.

How much of the action you want?

Uh, Dr. Bellows,
would you like

to lie down
for a couple minutes?

In the middle of the day?

I never hit the kip
until 3 in the morning.

Don't tell me you take naps too.

[LAUGHING]

Poor Jeannie.
Yeah, well, uh, uh, um...

A nap might not be a bad idea.

Say, I know what you need.

A little pick-me-up,
eh, chum? Eh?

No, no, I... No, I don't need
any medicine, sir.

Here we are.

Some of Scotland's best.

You, uh, keep liquor
in your file cabinet, sir?

What do you think I keep, files?

[LAUGHING]

You aren't exactly
a bundle of laughs,

are you, major?

You... You just stay
right here, sir. You stay here.

Don't leave the place,
and relax. I'll be right back.

See here. Who outranks who?

You outrank me, sir, of course.

Then you stay put,
and that's an order.

Queen and country.

[♪]

Sergeant, I demand
that you let me back in.

I'm sorry, mister,
you haven't got a pass.

And you heard Colonel Bellows.

But I am Colonel Bellows!

Uh-huh.
Ah.

Sergeant, look.
I'll prove it to you.

Here's my driver's license.

Sorry, mister.
I'm not interested.

Uh... sergeant!

S... Sergeant!

Well, you're gonna
have to leave, sir,

unless you have a pass.

Young man,
kindly leave me alone.

I have important business
with Major Nelson.

Sir, I don't want
to use any force,

but I'm under
Dr. Bellows' orders.

And who is Dr. Bellows'
superior officer?

General Schaeffer,
but he's a busy man, sir.

Then I shall talk to him.

Sir, wait a minute, sir.
Oh, Major Healey.

Oh, excuse me, general.
I'm following someone.

A secretary, no doubt.

I'm leaving the base
for a half an hour.

I'll be at the barber shop.
Yes, sir.

[♪]

Where, where, where?

Oh, he's so fat too.
Where'd he go?

Oh, Major Healey.

Yes, sir,
I thought you were going

to the barber shop, sir.
I changed my mind.

Uh, find Major Nelson.
Send him to me immediately.

Oh, sure, but about
this man I'm following.

Oh, forget him. He's a close
personal friend of mine.

Marvelous chap.
Uh, pukka sahib.

Pukka sahib?
Pukka sahib.

Pukka sahib.
Yes, sir, yes, sir.

[♪]

Ah!

His office does not answer?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
That is all right.

Heh. I will call later.

Oh, dear.

I wish I knew if my uncles
have approved of him yet.

The suspense is terrible.

♪ I've got a lovely bunch
Of coconuts ♪

♪ Here they are
Standing in a row ♪

Come on, mate. Sing along!

Here, give it a try.

I-I'd really rather not, sir.

Oh, you don't gamble,

you don't drink, and you don't sing.
Yeah.

I don't understand
what's come over you.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Come in.

General Schaeffer wants
to see you in his office.

Uh, you can tell
General Schaeffer to wait.

Listen, he's flipped.
He flipped.

I'm gonna go tell Schaeffer.
You stay here and stall.

Come on, major.
Wait, I'm not through.

[QUIETLY]
Oh. Hi, Dr. Bellows.

Hi.

[NORMAL VOICE] Nice looking hat.
Hm.

Ah. Oh, uh, doctor,
why don't you just, uh,

take it easy and I'll, uh...

I'll play the uke
and you can sing.

Yeah.
Wh-what would you like to sing?

Um, "I've Got A Lovely
Bunch of Coconuts."

Ah, yeah. "Lovely Bunch
of Coconuts" Yeah.

♪ I've got a lovely bunch
Of coconuts ♪

♪ Here they are
Standing in a row ♪

♪ Big ones, small ones ♪

♪ Some as big as your head ♪

Uh, General Schaeffer.

Dr. Bellows, what are you
doing out there and in...

And in those clothes?

Sir, they won't let me
back on the base.

Well, in that outfit,
I should think not.

I-I mean,
mod is one thing, but...

Sir, I don't know what happened.

One minute I was escorting
this man without a pass

off the base,
and the next thing I knew,

I was wearing his clothes,

and they were throwing me off.

Well, all right, doctor,
all right. Calm down.

I'll get you back in

and then we can find out
what's going on.

Oh, uh, thank you, sir.
Oh, and, uh, doctor,

do you mind walking
a few feet behind me?

I have my reputation
to think of.

No, no, you don't
understand, general.

Uh, Dr. Bellows has gone
right over the edge.

Oh, and you don't approve
of what's going on, eh?

Good. Ha, ha. Good.
Well, sir, it...

It's not my position
to approve or disapprove.

It's just that
I-I think that he needs help.

Concerned for fellow
officers. Excellent.

Well, if you don't mind
my saying so,

this is really not the time
to make notes.

Dr. Bellows might
get violent any moment.

Uh, uh, now look here,
Major Nelson...

Nelson.

Nelson.
That's an old name.

Are you by any change descended

from Admiral Horatio Nelson
of Trafalgar?

Trafalgar?

Master? Ma...?

Oh, hm.

Perhaps in Dr. Bellows' office.

♪ I've got a lovely bunch
Of coconuts ♪

Halt! Hold it.

Which one?

Too bad.

Ah, tell me, Roge.

How long is this Schaeffer
cove gonna keep Major Nelson?

Vasmir! Ooh!

Uh, long enough for me
to win my money back, I hope.

All right, here we go.

Hm! Hold it. Hold it.

Which one?

Ah... That one there.

Close that time, mate.
Close that time.

Let me see.

You know, it's a ruddy shame
that Major Nelson

is not more like you.

If there's anything
that gets me gander up,

it's stuffiness.

Well, he's not stuffy, sir.
He's just that way around you.

Actually, he's never seen the
sporting side of you. Ha, ha.

Hold it! Hold it.

You know, I'm glad
to hear you say that.

Ah, you being
his friend and all,

I'm gonna take your word for it.

Which one?

This one, this one. Yeah.

You know, chum,
it's been a bloomin' pleasure

doing business with you.

There's no pea under any of 'em!

Dr. Bellows?

Dr. Bellows...

The peas are gone
and Dr. Bellows is gone.

No peas, no Dr. Bellows.

No relation to Horatio Nelson.

I'm, um, going to the infirmary
to pick up some medication, sir.

Perhaps I should
get something for you too.

AZMIRE:
Ah, just a moment, major.

I have decided
that you are an officer

and a gentleman,

and I thoroughly approve
of your marriage.

Ah! Hooray, hooray!

I knew you
could pass it, master.

I knew you could do it!
You did, you did!

Good day, Jeannie.
Congratulations.

How many times have I told you
not to come in without knocking?

You'll have to excuse her,
General Schaeffer.

Oh, master, this is not
General Schaeffer.

This is my Uncle Azmire.

And he has just
approved of our marriage.

Uh, she's been ill, sir.

I think what you both
have is contagious.

I'm sorry
for the masquerade, my boy,

but when your General Schaeffer
went to the barber shop,

I took the liberty
of impersonating him.

[LAUGHING]

You're Uncle Azmire?
Why, you...

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

And Dr. Bellows.
Who's Dr. Bellows?

Uncle Vasmir.

I am afraid you did not make

a very favorable
impression on him.

Well, we'll take care
of that right now!

Oh, oh, master, wait!

Ah! Ah!
Jeannie, ha-ha-ha, let him go.

I'd love to see Vasmir
get a good bash.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, shame.

Now you go in and lie down
for a while, doctor.

When you're calmer,
we'll discuss it again.

I suppose
that would be best, sir.

Perhaps an explanation
will occur to me.

[♪]

Liquor? On my desk?

All right, Vasmir,
you've had it.

Major. Major Nelson.

Why are you looking
at me like that?

How dare you come in here...

Whiskey bottles
and crap games! Ukuleles!

When are you guys gonna learn
not to foul up a man's life?

He's gone berserk.
Absolutely berserk! Help! Help!

You better blink out of here
before I lose my temper!

Major Nelson,
what are you doing?

Keep our of this, Azmire,
before I really start on you.

Major Nelson!
Shut up!

The masquerade is o...

Er.

Jolly good, Nelson, jolly good.

But you can come out of it now.
Out of it.

Huh?
The experiment was a success,

wouldn't you say?
Oh, right-o.

What experiments?
Who...? Who are you?

Oh, of course.
Silly of me.

General St. Regis-Tyne here,
of Her Majesty's Army,

on loan to your Pentagon.

This is Lieutenant Stebbens,
drug research, you know.

Major Nelson volunteered.

VASMIR:
Oh, he was very brave.

One whiff and you become
a raving maniac.

One clap of the hands
and you come out of it.

Clever, eh?

Well... W-well,
why weren't we informed?

Oh, sorry about that.
Hush-hush, you know.

Nelson!
Sir!

I'll see that you get
the Victoria Cross for this.

Oh, the VC for me?

But that still doesn't
explain about my clothes.

Perhaps you got a whiff
by mistake, gov... Sir.

Yes, of course.
That could be possible.

Yeah.

Excuse me sir, sir.

Dr. Bellows,
I would like my $35 back.

What?!

General Schaeffer,
there's something

I've gotta tell you
about Dr. Bellows.

There isn't a pea
under any of those things.

Is he drugged too?

Huh? Roger, Roger,
snap out of it!

ROGER: Sir, I know this
is hard to believe,

but Dr. Bellows
is running a shell game.

[♪]

[♪]