I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 4, Episode 8 - Indispensable Jeannie - full transcript

[♪]

TONY:
Yes, sir.

Right, sir. Well, I've got that
taken care of, sir.

Yeah, well, uh, Major Healey
ought to be here any minute.

He called before he left.

Huh?

Oh, yeah.
Well, that's the...

[YELLS]

Uh, that's the, uh,
vacuum cleaner, sir.

Yes, uh, my housekeeper's just
kind of straightening things up.

Housekeeper?



Uh, major,
I thought you realized

that for the duration
of this test

you and Major Healey
are to have no outside help.

Well, the idea is
to see whether you two

are compatible as
a team together

in close quarters,
completely on your own.

Amanda, please.

Yeah, well, she's leaving, sir,
just as soon as she finishes.

Well, I've given her
the week off.

All right, major.

Just remember:
whether you and Healey

ever get to the moon together

depends in part on how
you get along this week.

Uh, good luck.



Right, sir.
Don't worry about a thing.

Amanda, would you
mind telling me

why you find it necessary
to clean over here

when I'm in the middle
of an important phone call?

Because, darling,
we don't have a housekeeper.

Oh, but, master, you have never
had a roommate before.

You are used to doing things
your own way.

And so is Major Healey.
Yeah.

You will quarrel.
You will fight.

Now, don't be ridiculous.
A terrible fight.

If two grown men can't live in a
house together alone for a we...

Look, I've got everything
set up.

I've got a rollaway
in the bedroom,

I've emptied two drawers
and half a closet

and I've...
I've typed up a schedule

of cooking assignments
and household chores.

The whole thing
is order and discipline, see?

It will never work without me.

It would be so much easier
if you would let me do it.

Jeannie,
there's nothing to be done.

Everything's fine.

Now you go visit your relatives,
and have a good time.

I'll miss ya.

Yes, master, you will.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

[LAUGHING] Hey, Roge.

Good morning, roommate.

Boy, is this going to be
an easy assignment.

Yeah, piece of cake.

Let me get you moved in.
Yeah.

Okay, kids.

Bring it in.

Hi.

[♪]

How do you like
my moving ladies?

Roger, you're moving in
for a week, not a year.

I know. That's why I decided
to travel light.

Oh! Be careful of
my jigsaw puzzle

of the Battle of Gettysburg.

Ah!

Nice kids.

And a lot cheaper
than a moving company.

TONY: Roger, look, what
is all this stuff?

Uh, uh, uh, tennis racquets
and ski poles,

footballs, puzzles,
all kinds of...

What did you bring
all this junk for?

Well, I thought I might
get bored.

Bored?

Look, we're not rooming together
for a whole week

to keep you entertained.

This is a test... And a very
important test, I might add.

To see if we can get along.

I know, Tony, ahem,

and right now
you're flunking it.

I'm flunking it?
And what about you?

Look at all this...

Yeah, Roge, you're right.

If people are gonna live
together, they gotta compromise.

They gotta
make allowances, right?

Why don't you, uh, well, move
all this stuff

into the other room, and we'll
just forget about it, huh?

Hey, where's my Pickett's beard?

What?

Pickett's beard,
it's part of my jigsaw puzzle.

It was shaped like a horseshoe.
It goes right here.

Oh! Wait, wait.
What are you gonna do?

You can do the Battle of
Gettysburg at another time.

Right now
I'm gonna get organized.

I worked for two weeks on that,
now hold it...

Stop! Whoo!

[♪]

Roger.

Is this yours?

You...
You broke my puzzle.

Monday night:
Tony does dishes, Roger cooks.

Tuesday night:
Tony cleans up.

Why do we have to have
a schedule?

Why...? Why can't we
just play it by ear?

Roger, I had a roommate
in college,

and we found out that

everything worked out
a lot better

when we had a specific schedule
of assignments.

Okay. You're doing the cooking,
I'll... I'll do the dishes.

That's right. And, uh,
tomorrow, you do the cooking

and I do the dishes, right?

Mm-hm.

I got it all down here
on black and white, see?

So that way,
there'll be no arguments.

What are you making, anyway?

Well, it's, uh, kind of
a specialty of mine. I...

hope you like it.

Oh, I'm not a fussy eater.

I mean, there's only one thing
I can't stand.

And it's...

tuna casserole.

That's the one thing I...

[♪]

Mm-mm.

[CHEWING NOISILY]

[CHEWING NOISILY]

[HUMMING A TUNE]

Say, Roge.
Yeah.

Why...? Why don't you go in the
kitchen and do the dishes?

I'm sorry.
What did you say?

Why don't you go in the kitchen
and do the dishes?

You see, it's, uh, your turn.

Fine. You make a lousy casserole
I can't even eat,

and I gotta clean it up.

Well, a schedule's
a schedule, you know.

All right, I'll go
and clean up the kitchen,

but you've gotta get lost later.

Get lost?

I've got a girl coming later
and we'd like to be alone.

Well, Roger,
I've got a lot of work...

Hey, it's my house.

And this is the porch light
schedule right here.

Porch light schedule?
Mm-hm.

When the light is on,
you stay away,

and when the light is off,
well, you can come in.

It's a little system that
college roommate and I

had worked out.
Mm-hm.

Monday night, Roger.
Tuesday night, Tony.

I don't have anybody coming
in on Tuesday night.

Maybe you can work that out
when you're out of the house.

Roger!
Ah! A schedule's a schedule.

[♪]

Set 'em up again, Joe.

JOE: I, uh, think you've
had enough, Major Nelson.

Again, Joe,
and make it a double.

You keep this up, uh, you're
gonna have to go on a diet.

That's the least of my problems.

You...? You dial
that number again?

Yeah, I did,
and it's still busy.

MAN: Oh, yeah!
That's it.

Not only am I evicted
from my own house,

but my phone bills are being run
into the millions.

I know how it is.

My dad's always
griping at my mom

for using the phone too much.

Roger...

you've had it.

Roger?

[SCOFFS]

Sheesh!

The older generation's
really fouled up.

[♪]

[WHISPERING] Roger?

Roger.

I-I don't mean to disturb you,
but I gotta get some sleep.

Roge?

[CRASHING]

[CLATTERING]

[CRUNCHING]

Roge?

[GARGLING]

Oh!

Will you take it easy?
I got in here first.

Shh. Where's Rosa?

Oh, she left hours ago.

We finished our rigging.

Huh?

We finished our
rigging the boat.

Well, then why is
the front porch light still on?

I always leave it on.
It keeps away burglars.

[LAUGHING]
It keeps away burglars?

W-what about the signal?
Your schedule?

Oh, that. Oh, is that why...?
Is that why you didn't come in?

Yeah!
Oh, I'm sorry. My fault.

Just... Just a little mistake.
I'll take the boat.

Night-night.

I can't believe it.

He keeps me wandering around
out there for five hours

while he's got
the porch light on.

And meanwhile, burglars...

[MUFFLED MUMBLING]

[YELLS]

Not mad, are you?

I gotta hand it to you, Roger.
This meal has been fantastic.

Thank you. I just wanted to
make up for that

little misunderstanding
we had the other night.

Well...
Well, you sure did.

You put my tuna fish casserole
to shame.

And just to let you know
I stick to my bargain,

the house is yours tonight.

Oh. Well, I'm not gonna be
doing anything.

I'm just gonna do the dishes
and watch a little TV.

You don't have to go anyplace.

No, no, no.
A schedule's a schedule.

Anyway, I've got a date tonight.

Ah, okay.
Well, have fun.

[♪]

[♪]

[SIGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON
CLOCK RADIO]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Mine's broken.

Hi, Joe.
Is my usual ready?

Coming right up,
Dr. Bellows.

Say, uh, you just missed
Major Nelson.

Major Nelson, in here?

And boy, has he got problems.

Uh, with his roommate.

They, uh, don't get along.

Oh, I see.
Thanks for telling me, Joe.

Thanks very much.

[♪]

[GASPS]

Oh!

Why, this is terrible.

I knew my master
could not do without me.

[SIGHS]

Ah. There.

Well, now at least
the house is clean.

I bet he's not been
eating properly, either.

[GASPS]

Yuck.

[QUIETLY] Well.

[TSKS]

There.

Now at least they will be more
comfortable in a clean house.

Oh, but what good is it?

They will just
get it filthy again.

JEANNIE [VOICE OVER]: My master
should not have to think about

silly little things like
cleaning the house

and fixing meals.

He will find it much easier to
be compatible with Major Healey

if I fix the house.

[LAUGHS]

[MAGIC BOINGS]

There.

Now the house is
fully automatic.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

Still asleep
at 10:30?

Ten-thirty.
Ten-thirty?

Oh, yes. My...
My alarm clock's broken.

May I come in, major?

There are a few things
I'd like to discuss

with you and Major Healey.

I-I don't think now is...
The place is a pigsty, sir.

I rather you...
What are you talking about?

This room is immaculate.

I could have sworn
it was an absolute...

Oh, stop mumbling, major.

There's something important
I'd like to talk to you about.

I hear that you and Major Healey
are not getting along together.

Oh, s...
Really?

Where did you get
that information, sir?

We're...
getting along fine.

Hm. That's not what
my informant tells me.

Hm.

And I have decided, from now on,
to, uh, split you as a team.

Sir, you can't split us...

Unless I see by your behavior
within the next 24 hours

that you're completely
compatible.

Oh, compatible?
We're always compatible...

Oh! Good morning, Tony.

Boy, I wish I had
a cup of coffee.

Oh, good morning,
Dr. Bellows.

Ah, good morning, major.

[YELLS]

Boy, well,
that's service for you.

What's the matter with you,
Major Nelson?

Well, he always gets clumsy
before his morning coffee.

Where'd that coffee come from?
Yeah.

Where did that coffee cup
come from?

[♪]

Major Nelson, did you see that?

That coffee cup just appeared
in Major Healey's hand.

Oh, no, no, no, sir.
He had it when he came in.

He drinks coffee in bed.

No, I don't.
I just said I wish I...

Ooh.

Uh, yes, uh... This is
last night's coffee, sir.

He's very neat.
He was taking it to the kitchen.

If it's last night's coffee,
why is it steaming?

Steaming? No, it's not steaming.
It's ice cold, sir. See?

[STIFLES YELL]

I... Ice cold.

Major. Give me that, hm?

Oh.
Augh!

[MOANING]

Major.
Ah! Oh!

I'm sorry. It's ice cold.
See, I said it was ice cold.

Then why is he leaping around
as if he's got a hotfoot?

Well, ice cold coffee, sir,
first thing in the morning.

You'd leap around too.
Tony.

Hm?
Why did you do that?

Uh, it was an accident, Roge.
I'm terribly sorry.

No, it wasn't.
You deliberately spilled...

Well, I see it's unnecessary
for me to stay with you

as I had planned.

Obviously,
you both cannot work together.

[STAMMERING]

[WHISPERING]
Roge, he's gonna split us up.

Yeah, he can't do that.
We're buddies, you know?

It doesn't look like that
to him.

[LAUGHING] Hi.

As of tomorrow, you will both
find a new partner.

Oh, Dr. Bellows,
you're making a big mistake.

W-We're crazy about
each other.

Oh? Is that why Major Nelson
stepped on your foot,

spilled coffee all over you
and elbowed you in the stomach?

Well, actually, we were just
fooling around. Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like a...

You know, just roughhousing
like a couple of college kids.

Blowing off a little steam.

I give Roger
a little poke in the stomach.

[LAUGHS]
You know, just playing around.

Yeah, just...
Just playing, hit me right...

Said he's playing around
and I just gave him

a little kick in the shins.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, that was pretty fast.
Ah, yeah. Ha, ha.

Then I just took my fist
and I just, I tear you...

[♪]

All right, gentlemen, all right.

I'll put off my decision
for 24 hours.

But, uh,

during that time
I'll stay with you

and observe every nuance of
your relationship.

Oh. Great, sir.
Great, sir.

Happy to have you aboard.

I'm happy if you're happy.

Ooh.

Well, is she here?
Shh.

Dr. Bellows is upstairs.
He might hear.

I looked all over the house.
I can't find her.

Then how did the kitchen
get cleaned up?

How did the living room
get cleaned up?

How did I get my cup of coffee?

If she isn't here,
we must have elves.

No, I-I think I know
what happened.

Before Jeannie left, she wanted
to fix the house so that

I-if we wanted anything,
all we had to do was ask

and it'd be done.

You mean the house is automatic?

I think so.

Well, why don't we
give it a test?

All right.
Uh...

Um, I wish I had, um...
I wish I had an apple.

Hey, that's great.

Hey, wait a minute.
What kind of test is that?

Let me give it a test.

Uh, I'd like
a beautiful redhead.

Oh, Roge.

Yeah.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, ha, hello.

Hello. Ha, ha.
Hello.

There... There's been kind of
a little misunderstanding here.

I... I wish you'd...
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Let's...

What's the rush, huh?
Roger.

I wish you'd disappear.

Roger?
What did I say?

I said Roger,
I wish you'd disap...

What's the matter with me...?
I like you better anyway.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah? Yeah, I...

Look, I-I think there's a
little misunderstanding here.

Uh, there's been
some kind of a mistake.

Um, I... Roger?
I wish you'd come back.

Ah, just what I thought.

You wanted her
for yourself, huh?

Roger, I wish you'd shut up.

[MAGIC TONE]

Now, I'm sorry, miss.

There really has been
a misunderstanding.

Here.
Have an apple.

Now disappear.

Oh. Oh, thank you,
thank you.

Heh, Roger, boy,
are we in trouble.

We got 24 hours
to convince Dr. Bellows

that we're compatible,

and we got a nutty house
on our hands.

[MOUTHING]

Well, don't just stand there.
Say something!

Oh, I'm sorry.
I wish you could speak.

[MAGIC TONE]

[GASPING]

Thank you.
Now... Now, look,

we're gonna have to function
like a well-oiled machine.

And above all, we've got to
avoid using terms like, um,

"I wish"
or "I want."

Well, I certainly wish
that we could have someone...

Sh! Now, what did I
just tell you?

I was just going to
wish us luck.

[♪]

Breakfast is served, sir.

[WHISTLING]
[HUMMING]

Amazing!
Absolutely amazing.

After you.
After you.

No, after you.
All right.

[♪]

Major Nelson? Major Healey?
I'm ready now.

Oh? I thought you'd be staying
the night with us, sir.

Well, there's no need now.

It's obvious that I
misjudged you two completely.

You're as compatible
and efficient a team

as I've ever seen.

You mean the test is over, sir?

Well, as far as
I'm concerned it is,

and you've both passed
with flying colors.

Well, uh, it's certainly been
a pleasure having you.

That goes double for me, sir.

There's just one thing
that still puzzles me:

Why you were arguing
this morning

over a simple little thing
like a cup of coffee.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I wish you'd tell me
the truth about that.

[MAGIC TONE]

I'll tell you the truth, sir.

Roger Healey is a slob.

He came here with
enough stuff for a year

and dumped it on
my living-room floor

and generally made this place
look like a pigsty.

Major Nelson,
what are you saying?

I don't know.
Yeah, well, I know.

I may be a slob,
but that's better than being

a nitpicking
list-maker!

I mean, he has a schedule
for everything.

A schedule for cooking,
for washing the dishes.

He even has a schedule
for when we schedule things.

Well, I stayed out there
half the night

waiting for you
to turn the porch light on.

Gentlemen, please!

All he can make is
a lousy casserole!

And when you cook,
you make it look like

it's been hit by
Hurricane Zelda!

I... You left it like
it looks like...

Gentlemen.
Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, will you please
stop arguing?

[MAGIC TONE]

You almost had me convinced,
didn't you?

Well, the truth will come out.

After tomorrow, you'll find out

that there's no necessity
of working together anymore.

ROGER:
Dr. Bellows.

I'm sorry, Roge.

You're sorry?
I'm sorry.

I don't know what happened.
It just came rushing out.

I feel terrible.
I wish the roof would fall in.

[♪]

[GASPS, THEN GIGGLES]

Who did that?

Not bad.

Master, Major Healey, I'm back.

Yes, I sense that, Jeannie.

Well, are you not happy
to see me?

Did you not miss me?

We missed you,
but you didn't miss us.

Well, I-I do not understand.

Well, uh, Jeannie, uh, uh...

Your automatic house caused
Roger and I to have an argument

and Dr. Bellows saw it,

and he's splitting us up
as a team.

[GASPS]

Well, that is terrible.

Just because you had
a little fight?

[SCOFFS]

Well, that could happen
to anyone.

Yeah, I know, but it...

Unfortunately,
it happened to us.

And at a very inopportune time.

Say, it could happen
to anyone, couldn't it?

[LAUGHS]

I've got a little job for you.

[♪]

[♪]

Darling, what on Earth?

What's the matter?
You look terrible.

I have a very unpleasant chore
to perform tomorrow.

I have to split up
Major Nelson and Major Healey.

Split them up? What...?
What on Earth for?

Ahh. They hate each other.

Oh, darling,
I can't believe that.

I just saw them
almost come to blows

over a silly little thing
like a cup of coffee.

No wonder you're so depressed.

Well, you just sit there.

I've got the martinis
all ready for you.

Thank you, dear.

[MAGIC CHIME]

Here you are, sweetheart.

Thanks.

Mm-hm.
Mm.

[MAGIC BOINGS]

Amanda, this martini
is terrible.

That's the way
I've always prepared it, dear.

BELLOWS: Yes, and they've
always been terrible.

AMANDA:
I'm sorry, darling. I...

I'll go fix you another one.
Mm.

[MAGIC BOINGS]

No, I won't, either.

You don't like the martini?

You go fix it yourself.

When a man comes home
from a hard day's work

he deserves a decent martini!

Don't shout at me, Alfred!

I'll shout if I want to!

[WHIMPERING]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Yes? What is it?

Oh, hello, Dr. Bellows, uh,

we just dropped by to see

if we could persuade you
to reconsider your decision.

Yes, sir.
Anybody could have a fight.

Yeah.

[AMANDA SOBBING
AND BANGING]

Oh, what's wrong with
Mrs. Bellows?

Uh, Major Nelson,
Major Healey, I, um...

I'm just in the middle of a...

I'm afraid you've come
at the wrong time.

Go ahead and tell them!

We just had a...
A knock-down-drag-out fight.

Well, I-I sure hope you're not
considering separating.

Well, of course not.

Whatever gave you
that silly idea?

You may have a point, major.

Just because you have
a little tiff,

it doesn't mean
the roof has to fall in.

[LAUGHING] No.

[AMANDA WAILING]

[♪]