I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 4, Episode 26 - Blackmail Order Bride - full transcript

[BAND PLAYING GRAND MARCH]

MAN [OVER P.A.]: Ladies and
gentlemen, today caps the last day

of a full week of festivities

in honor of the victorious
Apollo 15 astronauts.

[ELEGANT MUSIC PLAYING]

After a ticker tape parade

through New York's
financial district,

Major Nelson, Major Healey
and Captain Larkin,

will be honored
at a White House luncheon.

And finally, one last press
conference at Cocoa Beach.

Major Nelson, do you feel you
may be in line for a promotion?



Uh, well,
I couldn't comment on that.

Major Healey,
do you have any idea...?

Major Healey...

One at a time, please.

Did you anticipate
any problems in the recovery?

I think I can speak for
Captain Larkin and Major Nelson

when I say we had complete
faith in the carrier.

Uh, Major Nelson,
we've heard quite a bit

about Major Healey
and Captain Larkin's home life,

but not a word about yours.

How about it, major,
is there a girl?

Uh, I'm sorry,
but as the Air Force would say,

my private life
comes under the category

of restricted information.



Restricted to me. Next.

You know, the guy
that gets an exclusive

on Nelson's private life

is a cinch
for the Pulitzer Prize.

[BELL RINGS]

[♪]

Hello.
Acme Plumbing Company.

I'm here to inspect your pipes.

[LAUGHS] Oh.

Well, there is nothing
wrong with my pipes.

Well, you see,
there is a new city ordinance.

Says, "Every house
more than 10 years old

has to have
the pipes inspected."

My master did not say anything
about an inspection.

Oh, your master didn't.

Well, I wouldn't
worry about that.

I mean,
everything that I have to see,

I can see in 10 masters.

Uh, minutes. Excuse me.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

I did not know there were pipes
in the fireplace.

Uh... Look, uh, lady. Y-you
take care of your business,

and, uh, I'll take care of mine.

Are you finished yet?

Uh, yes, actually.

As a matter of fact, I am.

Your pipes are in good shape.
You have very good pipes.

As a matter of fact,

um, uh,

w-w-what is your business?

Well, I am a genie.

That's very funny. Strike that.

Well, lady, so long.
I have to be going now, and, uh,

happy genie-ing.

Strike that too.

[♪]

Well.

Dear.

He's finally gone,
and I can prepare

for my master's homecoming
in peace.

Now, let me see.

Ah!

[GIGGLES]

Oh, that is a nice touch.

I have always liked balloons.

Major Healey. Master.
Hi.

Welcome home.
Thanks.

[BUZZING]

I planned a little party,
master.

Are you not pleased?

It's just wonderful, yeah.

Tony, Tony, they're here.
They're here.

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

Doors! Doors!

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

The curtains, the curtains!

Master?

Do you not wish your friends
to come to your party?

Oh...
What?

Roger, would you get out? Roger.

They're here. They're here.
Yeah, I know.

Master, friends make a party.

Yeah, I know,
but those are reporters.

They're not friends.
They're report...

[BALLOON POPS]

Would you get rid
of these balloons, please?

Yes, master.

Listen, if we're
gonna have a party,

how about blinking in some
dancing girls and champagne?

No, Roger, would you please?

All right.
Forget the dancing girls,

they don't have to dance,
and I'll get the champagne.

Party, yeah.

See, Jeannie,
the problem is we've been...

We've been partied
and paraded and banqueted,

and we're just exhausted,
that's all.

Oh, my poor master.
I am sorry, I did not realize.

Yeah, and those reporters
have been pestering me

for details about
my personal life.

[GASPS]

Oh, master, I will take care
of them instantly.

No. No, no.
Don't do anything like that.

It would just make them curious,

and we certainly wouldn't
want them curious, would we.

Oh, no, master.

Because...
Because in your private life,

you have a genie.

Yeah.
Me.

And they simply
would not understand about that.

You're learning.
You are learning.

And besides,
I've really gotta get some rest.

Major Nelson.

Here, you open this. I'll...
I'll get the door.

No. No, I'll get it.
MAN: Major Nelson. Come on out.

MAN 2: Major Nelson,
just answer a question.

Major Nelson.
Major Nelson.

Do you mow your own lawn?
Fellas.

Fellas, please, please.

I have no further comments
about anything.

What is this thing? Hey.

Hey, talk about privacy.
This is really something.

Jeannie,
that is not what I meant.

What he means, Jeannie,
is a man's home is his castle.

Yeah.
Oh! Now I understand.

[GIGGLES]

You know,
I guess he really means it.

I guess he does.

Wally.

Do you see what I see?

[♪]

That depends on what you see.

Forget it.

I don't really see anything.

What did you just do?

What did you do?
What did you blink?

[LAUGHS]

When did you put in the moat?

The moat?

[DOORBELL DINGS]

I'm sorry to bother you again,
but I left some tools

Shh!
When I was here... What?

Please, my master is asleep.
Oh.

I'll be very quiet.
I just wanna pick up my tools.

Well, I have not seen any tools.

Huh.
I am sure that I left them here.

I'll tell you what.
Shh!

[WHISPERING] Why don't you
go look in the kitchen?

Around the drainboard,
and places like that,

and I'll just look around in here.
Very well.

You must not be a good plumber
if you keep losing your tools.

Yeah, well, perhaps.
I'm not a very good plumber, no.

But I'm a heck
of a good reporter.

[♪]

Mm.

Maybe...

I can get a shot of the major
while he's still asleep.

No, do not go in there.

Ow! Ow.
Shh!

Please.

I'm trying to sleep, please.

[YAWNS]

You see what you have done?
You've woke him up.

"Woke him up"?

I think I broke my toe!

Jeannie.

Oh!
Oh, master, are you all right?

I've heard of houses
being burglar-proof,

but this is ridiculous.

Who is he?
Oh, he is just a plumber.

He's not a plumber,
he's a reporter.

Stop him. Stop him! Stop him!
[SCREAMS]

Ow! Ow-w-w-w.

A reporter.
You lied to me.

I think that we're even.

This is Farnum.
What's this all about anyhow?

You. Who have a house
full of booby traps.

You ask me
what this is all about?

Shall I...?
No, no. no.

You go out and make some coffee.

With your hands.

Major. You have got
some explaining to do.

Mr. Farnum,
I believe at my press conference

I told you all reporters
that my private life

is my own personal business.

Forget it, major.
You are public property.

And when,
on top of being an astronaut,

you have got a house
that is like Sing Sing South,

and a girlfriend
who thinks she's a genie,

and goes around the house
calling you "master,"

well, I'd say that was news.

If you think it's news,
you just go ahead and print it.

Nobody in their right mind
is gonna believe it.

On the other hand, now,

if you want to be sensible
about this,

maybe we can come
to some sort of an arrangement.

Like what?

Well, like you tell me
your whole story.

Your hopes, your dreams,
your bank balance,

about this genie lady,
I'll write the story,

win the Pulitzer Prize,
sell it to the movies,

and you'll be off the hook.

Yeah, that's what you think.

No dice, Farnum.
Take your best shot.

Hm. Well.

I think that you're
gonna be surprised

at how good my best shot is.

Well. Your word against mine.
Yes, my word...

[CHUCKLES]

And a roll of film
and a spool of tape.

So long, major.
See you on the front page.

Huh?
Coffee is ready, master.

Now, wait a minute.

Are you gonna take
these bars away,

or do I have to add a section
on how you kidnap reporters too?

Go ahead, Jeannie.
Take the bars away.

I think he's got us.
Yes, master.

Where'd that go?
How'd they do that?

How has he got us?

Oh, he's got a spool of tape
and a roll of film.

JEANNIE: Oh, that is what he
was putting in his tool chest.

In his tool chest? Stop him.

Stop him!
Yes, master.

Now, look, Nelson.

The tool chest.

Come on, Jeannie.
The tool chest.

Oh, yes, master.

[GIGGLES]

Yes. Hand it over, Farnum.

Oh, no, you don't.
Oh, no, you don't.

This is my personal property.
Okay, Jeannie.

Oh, with pleasure, master.

[GIGGLING]

Okay.
I'll get you for this, Nelson.

Nobody ever gets the best
of Charlie Farnum.

[♪]

Well, then.

How does it feel to be
two of America's heroes?

Well, I've always been
loyal, brave, true,

kind to small children
and animals...

We were just doing our job, sir.

WOMAN:
Tony!

Darling, after all these years,
I've finally found you again.

Yeah, hi. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, ma'am.

Who are you?

Tony, don't you recognize
your own wife and children?

[♪]

Major Nelson,
what's the meaning of this?

I don't know, sir.
I-I-I don't know.

I've never seen these people.
Would you let go, lady?

I don't blame you
for not recognizing the kids.

They was only little tykes
when he ran out on us.

But me, Tony, your own wife.

Have I changed that much?

[KIDS BABBLING]

I... I'm not your daddy, son.

I mean, I'm not your daddy,
period.

Madam. Madam.

Oh, madam, please.

I'm afraid you've made
a terrible mistake.

You see, we have complete
records on Major Nelson,

and he's never been married.

No, sir,
you wouldn't know about it.

He kept it a secret
the whole time we was together.

You see, his folks
was against it.

Oh, but here's
a marriage license.

Marriage?
License?

Let me see.
Yeah, right there.

TONY: Hey, wait a minute!
WOMAN: His marriage license.

Let's all board
the astronaut engine.

[GASPS]

Would you...? Sir, that signature
is obviously a forgery.

My signature is public record.
It's a forgery.

Obviously a forgery.
Well, then there's this:

Taken 10 years ago.

Before little Joey was born.

Sir, my picture's been
in all the papers for years.

That's been doctored.

You certainly haven't
changed much in 10 years.

[SHOUTS]
Would you mind explaining?

[SOBBING]

Tony, how can you
say things like that.

When I treasured
this picture for 10 years

not knowing where you were
or if you were alive.

And then when I read
in the paper

that you had become
an astronaut, well...

[SOBBING]

Oh, now, madam, please.
Please. Don't cry, please.

All this is going to be
thoroughly straightened out.

And I promise you a very fair...
Please, sir.

A fair hearing.

And until then,
you'll just have to wait.

But we've waited so long.

And besides,
we don't have any money.

We spent it all on bus fare.
[CRASHING]

Where will we stay?

TONY:
Hey, wait a minute!

What'll become of the children?

Why don't we put them
at Tony's house? He has room.

Roger!
That would be a good solution.

Nobody's staying at my house.

Children, did you hear that?
We're gonna live with Daddy.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, take it easy!
All right, major. Hold it.

All right, the two kids
can sleep upstairs,

and you can sleep in there,
Mrs...

WOMAN: "Nelson," naturally.
Naturally?

[♪]

Hey, hey, hey.

TONY: Roger, would
you do something?

Children.
I don't have it.

Children.

Throw it over here.
I got it, Tony.

Oh, stop.

All right, take it easy.
Down, down.

Interesting bottle.

Huh?

Oh, shh!

You all go up
and mind your mother.

Go upstairs.
Go on.

Come on, children.
Enjoyed the game.

You remember.
I always was an obedient wife.

Yeah. Upstairs, or...
All right.

She is obedient.

Jeannie, are you all right?
She looks a little dizzy to me.

From being thrown around
in that bottle. Yeah.

You have a wife
and two children.

You don't believe that, do you?

That's a fraud.

Farnum must be trying
to set me up or blackmail me.

I mean, just because
she has a marriage license...

Roger, that's not necessary.
A marriage license.

Look, Jeannie.
Oh!

It's a put up job, really.
It's not...

I need your help. I really do.
You've gotta help him.

I mean, the family picture
with Tony and his kids, I...

Oh, Major Healey. A picture?

A picture?
Why don't you just go home? Go.

Oh, you want to be alone
with your wife.

You haven't seen her
in 10 years.

[PHONE RINGS, DOORBELL DINGS]

Roger, why don't you...?
I'll get it.

Stay here and don't move.

Stay there.

[DOORBELL DINGS]

Extra, extra. Read all about it.

Astronaut deserts
wife and children.

Read all about it.

I, uh... I rather expected you.

Don't try and get this picture,
major,

because I have got the negatives
safely stashed away

where you and your magician
of a girlfriend can't get at it.

You know, you really amaze me,
going to all this trouble.

Setting me up with a wife
and two children

just so you can get the story
of my private life.

You know us newsmen, major.

If we can't get the real story,
we create one.

Then you admit it.
Sure.

The only question is,

what do you do?

Do I get the real story,

or do I spread this one
all over the front pages?

Does that convince you, Jeannie?

Jeannie? Where's Jeannie?

Gone.
Gone?

Yeah, she said she didn't
wanna stay around

and be the other woman.

[GROANS]

Don't worry, Tony.

This time I believe you.

Oh, excuse me, major.
Hello, sir.

Have you found out anything yet?

Well, now,
these things take time, major.

We gotta check back 10 years
into her story as well as yours.

How about those kids?
They're monsters. You don't...

Hello, darling.
There they are.

Good morning, Dr. Bellows.
Good morning.

It'd be nice if you took
the children and me to lunch.

Lunch?
Yes.

Good morn...
Good morning, Dr. Bellows.

Good morning.

That sure is
a great-looking uniform.

Well, thank you, son.

Good morning, Uncle Alfred.

You sure do look good
this morning.

Well, thank you.

Monsters?
Why, they're charming.

And this one's
the spitting image of you.

Now, boys. On the way out,
be sure you stop into my office.

I have some bubblegum for you.
Hey, that's great.

Yeah, great.
No, Dr. Bellows, please.

Don't go, Dr. Bellows.

[♪]

Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy.

Wait a minute.

Hey, kids, wait a minute,
will you?

That's my stuff. Hey.

Easy, easy.

[♪]

Oh, God.

[WHISTLES]

Hi, Ton.

Say, I was wondering.
Could you lend me 10 dollars?

Tony?

What are you doing on the desk?

I'm sleeping on my desk.

Why are you sleeping
on your desk?

Because somebody's
sleeping in my house.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What's the matter with me,
you can come stay at my place.

Could I?
Could you? What's a friend for?

Thanks, Roge.
There's only one thing.

Make sure there's
no porch light on.

Okay. I can sleep up
in your bed in the den.

And one other thing. Make sure
it's after 2:00 in the morning.

After 2:00 in the morning?

Oh, and very important.

If there's no key
under the mat...

TONY: Forget it.
...forget it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Jeannie, where have you been?

In Reno.
Reno, Nevada?

No. Reno, Persia.
What?

That is where genies go to get
divorced from their masters.

Sign here.
What are you talking...?

And here. And here, and here.
Wait a minute.

I told you, this whole thing
was a put up job, Jeannie.

When I accepted you
as my master,

I had no idea you had
a wife and two children.

That is grounds
for legal separation.

Sign, please.

And initial the writer.
The writer?

FARNUM:
Extra, extra. Read all about it.

It's Farnum. Get out, Jeannie.

Get in here, get in here.
I am sorry, former master.

Section four, paragraph B.

Get in here, will you?
Just get in here.

"When a genie
is formally separated

"her former master no longer
has the right

to give her orders."

Until I sign that paper,
I'm still your master.

Now, get in there,
and I'm not kidding you. Go on.

All right.
But this is the last time.

Oh, boy.

All right,
that's your last chance, major.

The late edition
is going to bed in two hours.

Now, it is up to you whether
it carries a front page story

of Tony Nelson, wife-deserter,
or not.

Okay, Farnum.

I guess you got me.

Well.
Finally you're being sensible.

I mean, we can start right now.

I want you to promise
that you'll tell

Dr. Bellows that you
cooked up

the whole idea about the marriage.
Sure. Listen.

All I wanna do
is get the real story.

I was beginning to miss
the wife and kids anyway.

You mean,
those are your wife and kids?

I always say the family that
works together, stays together.

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

That's right.

What the heck is that?

That, my friend, is my genie.

[♪]

There's a little
tiny lady in there.

Yeah. That's right.

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Oh, master, I'm so sorry
I did not believe you.

How can you forgive me?
Okay. All right.

Just do everything I say.

But do you know
what you're doing?

I know exactly what I'm doing.
Would you like a picture?

What?
A picture.

A picture. Yes, why not.

I mean,
I'll take a little shot there.

You don't mind.
Why don't you get close together

and smile
and look right this way?

Look at me.
That's it, now hold... Hold it.

There.
Good, good. Now blink us home.

Him too?
Yes, him too.

All right.

[SCREAMS]

It's okay. It's okay.

Jeannie's been around
a long time.

She does a little magic here,
a little magic there.

Charlie. Charlie,
he's handing you a line.

Can't you see it?

Well, would you do one...?

Get her to do one of, you know,
of those tricks.

Yeah.
For my wife.

Well, I don't know.

Jeannie, would you like
to do a trick?

Well, what should I do?

I don't know,
think of something.

I know. I know.
All right.

[SCREAMING]

Do something for the kids,
will you?

Oh, yes, master.

Balloons are always
such a nice touch.

[ALL BABBLING]

Wait, wait, wait. Will you wait?
Will you just wait, please?

Now, you see, the wife
and the kids are mine, colonel.

But I had to do that

in order to get
Major Nelson's real story,

and it is a dilly.

He has a girlfriend, who...
She can make herself this small.

Really?

[GIGGLING]

Yeah, she hides in pencil boxes.

And she can move people around,

you see,
from one place to another.

Give me the air police.

I knew you'd feel that way
when I told you the story,

so I brought pictures.

I mean, real... Many pictures.
Pictures?

Yeah.
Really?

I'll call you right back.

A little underdeveloped.
What happened?

Hides in a pencil box? Really.

[GIGGLING]

[♪]