I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 4, Episode 25 - Jeannie and the Secret Weapon - full transcript
When Tony and Roger are trying to make a spacecraft fly, Jeannie does it with one blink. Tony tells her to get rid of it so she gives it to a boy in the park that has an inventor father. Tony gets accused of selling government secrets.
[♪]
Yeah.
Well, the meeting's at 5:00.
It'll probably go on for hours.
See, the exterior dimensions
are 38, 23, 35.
Thirty-eight, 22.
What?
Twenty-three.
Thirty-eight, 23, 35.
Thirty-five.
[LAUGHS] Oh, no, no.
Those are Agnes' dimensions.
Heh, heh, heh.
Who is Agnes?
Oh, Agnes is not a who.
She's a what.
Tony.
Huh?
I'm just...
I'm on the phone.
I know, but Jeannie isn't.
Hm?
Oh, what are you doing here?
I've told you a thousand times
not to come here, Jeannie.
Now get back on the phone.
First, I would like
to meet Agnes.
Huh?
I-I-I'll call you back.
[GRUMBLES]
Here.
Jeannie, this is Agnes.
Agnes, this is Jeannie.
Uh, Jea... Uh...
Agnes stands for Anti-Gravity
Nuclear Earth Station.
Roger and I are giving
an evaluation report at 5:00.
Now are you satisfied?
Oh, it is very nice, master.
Very nice, yes.
But it will never
get off the ground.
Yes, you see,
its kinessive is overextended
onto the gibraun.
What?
Right there.
The kinessive is overextended
onto the gibraun.
Uh, that certainly
wipes out my theory.
We... We'd better
tell Oglethorpe. Yeah.
Uh, Jeannie,
you're a wonderful girl.
And I... I would be
the last person in the world
to ever underestimate
your talents, but...
Well, frankly, I don't think
you have the foggiest notion
of whether or not
Agnes will fly.
Why not?
Well, my ancestors
were flying carpets
while yours were still
hollowing out canoes.
She got a point there.
Oh, beautiful.
I'll just tell the general:
"Um, I'm sorry, sir,
I can't approve the plans.
The kinessive overextends
onto the gibraun."
Why tell him anything?
Why do you not show him
a scale model?
A scale model?
Do you have any idea how much...?
Jeannie, a scale model would
take months and months of work
and hundreds of thousands
of dollars.
[SCOFFS]
"Make a scale mo..."
Hey, look.
Hey, is that it?
Uh-huh.
Oh, that's beautiful!
Look at that, Roge.
BELLOWS:
Major Nelson!
Dr. Bellows. Dr. Bellows!
Oh, uh, Major,
I've got the results
of those tests.
ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE:
How do you do?
My name is Agnes.
I am an Anti-Gravity
Nuclear Earth Station.
Just what is that?
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
What is that?
What...? What is that?
Oh, it's... It's a child's toy.
Uh, yes, sir. It's like one
of those dolls that you squeeze
and it says, uh,
"Change me, Mommy."
Huh?
Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Yeah.
But I distinctly heard it say:
"My name is Agnes."
It was lying.
It looks like Agnes.
I wanna know
where this toy came from, hm?
Oglethorpe must
see this at once.
How about that?
Good thinking?
"Child's toy." Ha.
Always using the old brain.
Yeah, terrific, Roge.
Yeah, now I want you to think of
something to tell Mr. Oglethorpe
when he finds out that his
radical new space station
that he designed
is already a child's toy.
And his plans are still
on the NASA drawing board.
Bad thinking.
Bad.
Bad.
Jeannie!
As I was saying, master,
you can see
that the kinessive is...
I would like you to take Agnes
and get outta here, please.
But, master, you need me.
No. No buts.
Find something
to occupy your time
until we're through
with the project.
Oh!
No "oh." Please. Now. Go.
Thank you.
Oh, Jeannie!
Yes?
Mm.
Huh?
Oh.
Great, now what are we gonna do
when Dr. Bellows
brings in Oglethorpe?
The same thing Agnes did.
What's that?
Lie.
OGLETHORPE: I never heard
anything so ridiculous.
If it's gonna start,
then why doesn't it start now?
You know as well as I do.
I wanna know where it came from.
Thirty-eight,
23, 35. Yes.
Where's Agnes?
Huh? Agnes?
Agnes?
Agnes.
Oh, oh, Agnes, yes.
Well, here are the blueprints
right here, sir.
No, no, no, no.
Not the drawing.
The model. The toy.
The toy?
Toy?
The toy that was right here.
Th-that talks.
Like the doll that you squeeze
and it says:
"Change me, Mommy."
Uh, we've all been under
a lot of, ahem, pressure lately
trying to make the deadline.
And when you squeezed it,
it said, "Change me, Mama."
No!
It said, "My name is Agnes."
If you say so, sir.
Doctor.
Agnes wouldn't talk.
She'd bleep.
Bleep?
Oh! Excuse me.
I'd better take
the rest of the afternoon off.
[♪]
Hi, Jase.
Oh, hi, Pop. Did you get it?
Did I get it?
Take a look at this.
Ah, there it is.
A remote-control box
for a TV set?
Pop, we don't have a TV set.
Ah, but we will have.
Dozens of 'em, if we want.
When this little dandy
is hooked up
the MacWhorter flying stratosub
will be operational
and marketable.
Who ever heard
of a flying submarine?
Who ever heard
of a Hula-Hoop?
You pawned the motorcycle
for this?
You're looking at me
that way again, Jase.
What way?
Oh, the way that says
I'm an irresponsible,
impractical phony,
who would rather invent toys
that don't sell
than take a job
and support his son.
I'm sorry.
Don't be, it's true.
At least it was,
but not after this.
Not after the MacWhorter
flying stratosub
hits the toy market.
Come on. Let's go to the park
and give it a try.
Pop?
What if it doesn't work?
Well, why shouldn't it work?
It's got exactly
the same mechanism
as the MacWhorter
heat-seeking missile.
I know.
And that one went through
Mrs. Drexel's kitchen window
and crashed right into
her stove.
See, it worked.
It was seeking heat.
This is it, Jase.
Okay, Pop.
You can blast off anytime.
You keep a close track on it.
Fame and fortune, here we come.
[♪]
It's gonna work.
[BUZZING]
It works.
It's working.
Jase, it works.
We're gonna be rich.
It's working.
We're gonna be rich.
Oh, God, look at it go.
MacWHORTER:
We're gonna be rich.
We're gonna be rich.
Okay, Pop, bring it back.
I can't. It won't respond.
There it goes. All right,
you keep it in sight, son.
Oh. Is this your toy,
little boy?
It was.
There goes another million
down the tubes.
Aw.
I am sorry it is broken.
Would you like another toy
to play with?
No thanks, lady.
I'm trying to kick the habit.
Oh, well you may have Agnes.
I'm too old for girls.
[LAUGHS] Oh, no, no, no.
This is Agnes.
[♪]
What is it?
Well, I-it is called
an Anti-Gravity Nuclear
Earth Station.
Agnes. Yeah.
I've never seen
anything like this.
Where'd you get it?
I made it.
What's it do?
Well,
I-I-it is supposed to
orbit the moon,
but this one will not fly.
Boy, I wish this could fly.
Do you?
Hey, that's great.
I'd like to see it land.
It obeys my voice.
Agnes, stop.
[MAGIC BOINGS]
It must have a self-contained
voice modulation response unit.
If you say so.
Why do you not play with it
for a while?
Can I?
Mm-hm.
Gee, thanks, lady.
Agnes, up.
[LAUGHS]
Agnes, forward march.
Agnes, halt.
Agnes, down.
Agnes, up.
Agnes, forward march.
Way to go.
I understand these things.
I'm a psychiatrist.
Hard work, not enough sleep.
Uh, good morning, sir.
After all,
one low-grade hallucination
doesn't necessarily mean
that a man has flipped
his lid, does it? I...
Agnes?
I knew it. I knew it.
JASON:
Agnes!
Here!
Come back here, Agnes.
Come back here,
and that's an order.
Halt.
Hello, son.
Well, that's quite a toy
you've got up there.
Did I hear you call it Agnes?
Yes, sir.
Where did you get it?
From that lady over there.
She made it herself.
What lady?
Well, she was there
a minute ago.
Now listen, son.
As you can see,
I'm a United States Air Force
colonel.
Now, I don't want you
to move from here.
And don't let Agnes
out of your sight.
Why, you may be able to help me
plug up
a top-secret security leak.
Oh,
now, don't move from here.
[♪]
Here, Agnes.
Come to Papa.
Pop, you can't do that.
She belongs to a lady.
What lady?
The one who was on
that park bench.
JASON:
She's gone.
Well, you certainly can't give
it to her if she's not there.
I'll take it.
She built it.
It's her idea.
Are you suggesting
your own father
would steal
somebody else's idea?
No, Pop, but...
Well, I should hope not.
Now, look, Jase, you go on home
and stay in your room
until I get there.
That colonel told me
not to move.
Who's your superior officer:
Him or me?
You, Pop.
Move out.
Agnes, baby, what do you say
we see if you're patented?
You what?
Well, I-I gave Agnes
to a little boy
to play with in the park.
Oh, but do not worry, master.
He's a very nice little boy.
And his daddy is a toymaker too,
so he was very interested.
Y-You get it back.
Get it back. I don't care how.
Get it back and get rid of it
permanently.
Puh! But, master,
he's just a little boy.
Permanently.
Goodbye.
"My master is a meanie."
Huh? Oh, get it,
get it, get it, get it.
"My master is a meanie."
Oh, listen,
I think we're in trouble.
Huh? Oh, don't... Don't worry.
When Jeannie knows
what to do, she'll do it.
Yeah. Anyway, they'll never be
able to prove there was a model.
Yeah. Ha, ha.
Yeah.
Let me in there.
Where?
Now, hold on, Oglethorpe.
There's no need
to jump to conclusions.
Did...? You were the one
who saw her.
This morning.
Well, I know, but I...
Then... Then again,
in the park.
Just now.
Well? Did you
or didn't you?
Yes, but I'm sure
there's some explanation.
And I know what it is.
These two stole
our new top-secret weapon,
and they sold it
to a toy manufacturer.
[♪]
I demand that Mr. Oglethorpe
retract that statement.
If he believes there's
a toy replica of Agnes around,
I insist that he produce it.
He's got you there, Oglethorpe.
You'll have to produce evidence.
What about you?
You saw Agnes yourself.
I saw what I thought was Agnes.
Yes. Uh, it could be one
of thousands of...
Of space toys.
There are thousands
on the market.
Blazes. The boy called it Agnes.
Yeah.
It... It looked like Agnes.
It blinked like Agnes.
Sir, if these allegations
are to continue,
I demand that we be
formally charged and...
And brought to trial
in the highest military court.
Liberty and justice for all.
With liberty and justice for...
All right, Nelson.
There can't be that many
toy manufacturers
in Cocoa Beach.
I'm going out to look for Agnes,
and you two better pray
I don't find her.
Uh... Uh...
Oglethorpe.
Oh, uh, he won't find her,
will he?
No, of course not, sir.
How could he?
Ha, ha, ha.
Ah. Okay.
Ah. Great speech, Tony.
Great speech.
Thanks, Roge.
Now we'd better work on
the one we're gonna give
when we're in front
of the firing squad.
Huh?
[WHISTLING]
Hi, Pop.
Oh, Jase. Glad you're back.
Wait till you see
what I've got for you.
I'm sorry I ran off.
I went back to the park.
[SIGHS]
Don't think another thing
about it, son.
Unreasonable orders
are made to be disobeyed.
Pop.
Hm?
This is Jeannie.
She found me there.
She owns Agnes.
H-how do you do?
That's a great toy
you invented, miss.
A great toy.
Think fast, son.
What's this?
That is a football.
And over there
is a football helmet
and a baseball bat
and a pitcher's glove, and...
And that's
a muscle-building set.
You always wanted to be
the strongest boy on the block.
What'd you do, Pop, rob a bank?
Nope.
But while you were gone,
your old man signed a contract
to sell Agnes
to Astro Toys, Incorporated.
Isn't that marvelous,
Miss, uh, Jeannie?
Marvelous?
Oh, that is terrible.
Now, look, I know
what you're gonna say:
Agnes wasn't mine to sell.
You're right. You invented it,
and you're in for 50 percent.
Look at it this way, uh,
Miss Jeannie:
If you invented
a marvelous toy like Agnes,
you can invent plenty of others.
Right? You're a genius.
Genie.
Genius is plural.
Sure.
But, me, I...
I've been trying to crack
the toy market for years.
The MacWhorter
heat-seeking missile.
The MacWhorter flying stratosub.
And hundreds of others.
But nobody was interested.
You know why?
Because they were junk.
[♪]
I'm a fake and a fraud.
No, you're not, Pop.
Listen, Jeannie.
With Agnes, for the first time,
I'm able to give Jason
the things he deserves.
JASON:
Jeannie, you're being taken.
My dad may be
a lousy toy inventor,
but he's the greatest con man
in the world.
Right. And I'm exactly
what you need for a partner.
Now, how about it, Jeannie?
For Jase?
One for all, and all for one?
[MUFFLED MOAN]
Um... I-I-I will be
right back.
You...?
You let him keep it?
Oh, master. If you could see
the way he loves his son.
All the wonderful things
he wants to do for him.
[GROANS]
Oh, I could not take Agnes
away from them.
Oh. Jeannie.
It would break my heart.
Yeah, break your heart.
Steak, medium rare.
Mashed potatoes.
Crêpe suzette.
Roger, what are you doing?
I'm rehearsing for my last meal.
Oh.
Do you have any idea
what they're gonna do to us
if Oglethorpe finds Agnes?
Oh, master, I would not let them
do anything to you.
I would blink you away.
Oh, great.
We could go live
with my family in Baghdad.
Well, there's not
a heck of a lot
for an astronaut to do
in Baghdad, Jeannie.
Oh, yes. You are...
You are right.
Yeah.
Well, I will try again.
Hey, wait a minute.
I'm going with you.
You're too soft.
Oh. Heh.
Don't you want me
to order for you?
But I had no idea.
Why, Astro's Toys, Inc.
Is a most reputable firm.
How could such a thing
like this have happened?
Well, we don't know, exactly.
I do know this.
That if you know
the whereabouts of Agnes,
and you withhold
the information,
you'll find yourself
charged as an accessory.
Of course, major.
I understand perfectly.
After all, what's a small boy's
faith in his father
compared to
the national security?
Oh, uh, Mr. MacWhorter, now, I...
I... I didn't...
Not another word, major.
I'm sorry, son,
but the football
will have to go back.
And the football helmet.
[SOBS]
And the baseball bat.
And the muscle-building set.
Oh, brother.
Oh, master,
you see how sad it is.
Mr. MacWhorter,
if it's money you want,
I could certainly lend you...
Absolutely not, major.
We MacWhorters still have
our pride, don't we, son?
How much did you
have in mind, major?
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
OGLETHORPE:
I know you're there, Nelson!
[QUIETLY] Get out.
Excuse me, major, would
you hold this? Oh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Here, here.
Gotcha.
[WHEEZY LAUGH]
They can't do anything to us.
We're innocent.
So was Joan of Arc.
OGLETHORPE: You saw Agnes!
BELLOWS: I thought I saw Agnes.
GENERAL: Gentlemen, please.
Oh, I think I'll give myself up.
Oh, Roger,
pull yourself together.
Yeah. I won't give myself up.
OGLETHORPE:
No!
Hello.
What are you doing here?
I'm waiting for
my court-martial.
What are you doing here?
Court-martial? But why?
"Why"? NASA gets a little testy
about people giving away
their top secrets, that's why.
Oh, but that is not
a top secret.
Well, it would not even fly
unless I help it.
I told you about the kinessive.
Oh, Jeannie, will you stop
with the kinessi...?
Unless you can help it?
Well, I made it fly.
Can you put it back
the way it was?
[LAUGHS] Oh, but of course.
Oh, Jeannie, I could kiss you.
Oh! That is a lovely idea.
How about me?
I'm being court-martialed too.
Off. Get out.
They're coming to get us.
TONY:
You gotta get out.
Get up.
Major Healy.
I'm up.
Remember, you're an officer.
Yes, sir.
All right, gentlemen.
They're ready for you.
Yes, sir.
Uh, good luck.
Thank you, sir.
Gentlemen,
I have here physical proof,
and corroborating evidence
from several witnesses
who are willing
and ready to testify,
that the security
on Project Agnes
has been irreparably
compromised.
I insist
court-martial procedures
be instituted immediately
against Major Nelson
and Major Healy.
Uh, Major Nelson, say something.
[WHIMPERING]
BELLOWS:
Major Healy,
for heaven's sake,
say something.
You're standing on my foot.
Uh, there's been a little
misunderstanding here.
You'll laugh when I tell you
what happened.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Well, uh, Major Healy and I
were asked
to evaluate Agnes here
as a possible
new flying platform
responsive to voice command.
And it worked, so you sold it!
[SCOFFS]
Mr. Oglethorpe,
do you insist that
that is... Is Agnes?
Well, of course this is Agnes.
Toynapper.
Well, if it's Agnes,
I'm afraid it won't work.
Slander.
Libel!
General, I protest.
TONY: Sir, anyone with
half an eye can see
that the kinessive
overextends into the gibraun.
You say Agnes won't fly?
That's correct.
Watch.
Agnes, up.
[♪]
Agnes, up.
[WEAKLY] Up.
Agnes, it's me, Marvin.
Your inventor.
Up.
Please.
Uppy.
You need help?
OGLETHORPE:
Agnes,
fly.
[BEEPS]
What is this?
It's just a cheap toy.
An impostor. Agnes
would never do this to me.
Would you, baby?
Gentlemen,
I'm afraid we're
gonna have to reconsider
the whole project.
[♪]
And its designer.
[SOBS]
Back to the drawing board,
Oglethorpe.
I knew it. I knew
there was nothing to it.
Oglethorpe.
BELLOWS:
Uh, Major...
We're prepared to drop
the whole thing, sir.
Well, that's very good of you.
Imagine mistaking a child's toy
for a complex piece
of aeronautical hardware.
ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE:
My name is Agnes.
Change me, Mommy.
It's, uh, just a child's toy.
How do you do?
It's just a child's toy.
My name is Agnes.
Just a child's toy.
[♪]
So if she's of any use
to you at all,
Agnes is yours, free and clear.
And I do not wish to be
a partner, Mr. MacWhorter.
You and Jason may have it all.
Well, that's very generous
of the both of you, but, uh,
if what you say is true, uh...
I mean, if it breaks
the first time it flies...
Looks like we got
another stratosub, huh, Pop?
W-Wait a minute.
MacWhorter, just think:
A toy that breaks
the first time you use it.
Why, it is the ultimate
in planned obsolescence.
The perfect toy.
Ha, ha.
Why, we'll make millions!
Right, uh, partners?
Eh, well, if you put it
that way, Beattie.
What do you say, son?
Anything you say, Pop.
May we go home now, please?
Yeah, any place you want.
Any place?
Yeah.
MacWHORTER:
Major? Miss Jeannie?
Where did they go?
I wanted to thank them.
Oh, well, no one knows,
MacWhorter.
They go around helping people
all the time, then they just...
disappear off into the sunset.
Kinda chokes you up, doesn't it?
Well, happy toys.
[CHUCKLES]
[♪]
Yeah.
Well, the meeting's at 5:00.
It'll probably go on for hours.
See, the exterior dimensions
are 38, 23, 35.
Thirty-eight, 22.
What?
Twenty-three.
Thirty-eight, 23, 35.
Thirty-five.
[LAUGHS] Oh, no, no.
Those are Agnes' dimensions.
Heh, heh, heh.
Who is Agnes?
Oh, Agnes is not a who.
She's a what.
Tony.
Huh?
I'm just...
I'm on the phone.
I know, but Jeannie isn't.
Hm?
Oh, what are you doing here?
I've told you a thousand times
not to come here, Jeannie.
Now get back on the phone.
First, I would like
to meet Agnes.
Huh?
I-I-I'll call you back.
[GRUMBLES]
Here.
Jeannie, this is Agnes.
Agnes, this is Jeannie.
Uh, Jea... Uh...
Agnes stands for Anti-Gravity
Nuclear Earth Station.
Roger and I are giving
an evaluation report at 5:00.
Now are you satisfied?
Oh, it is very nice, master.
Very nice, yes.
But it will never
get off the ground.
Yes, you see,
its kinessive is overextended
onto the gibraun.
What?
Right there.
The kinessive is overextended
onto the gibraun.
Uh, that certainly
wipes out my theory.
We... We'd better
tell Oglethorpe. Yeah.
Uh, Jeannie,
you're a wonderful girl.
And I... I would be
the last person in the world
to ever underestimate
your talents, but...
Well, frankly, I don't think
you have the foggiest notion
of whether or not
Agnes will fly.
Why not?
Well, my ancestors
were flying carpets
while yours were still
hollowing out canoes.
She got a point there.
Oh, beautiful.
I'll just tell the general:
"Um, I'm sorry, sir,
I can't approve the plans.
The kinessive overextends
onto the gibraun."
Why tell him anything?
Why do you not show him
a scale model?
A scale model?
Do you have any idea how much...?
Jeannie, a scale model would
take months and months of work
and hundreds of thousands
of dollars.
[SCOFFS]
"Make a scale mo..."
Hey, look.
Hey, is that it?
Uh-huh.
Oh, that's beautiful!
Look at that, Roge.
BELLOWS:
Major Nelson!
Dr. Bellows. Dr. Bellows!
Oh, uh, Major,
I've got the results
of those tests.
ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE:
How do you do?
My name is Agnes.
I am an Anti-Gravity
Nuclear Earth Station.
Just what is that?
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
What is that?
What...? What is that?
Oh, it's... It's a child's toy.
Uh, yes, sir. It's like one
of those dolls that you squeeze
and it says, uh,
"Change me, Mommy."
Huh?
Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Yeah.
But I distinctly heard it say:
"My name is Agnes."
It was lying.
It looks like Agnes.
I wanna know
where this toy came from, hm?
Oglethorpe must
see this at once.
How about that?
Good thinking?
"Child's toy." Ha.
Always using the old brain.
Yeah, terrific, Roge.
Yeah, now I want you to think of
something to tell Mr. Oglethorpe
when he finds out that his
radical new space station
that he designed
is already a child's toy.
And his plans are still
on the NASA drawing board.
Bad thinking.
Bad.
Bad.
Jeannie!
As I was saying, master,
you can see
that the kinessive is...
I would like you to take Agnes
and get outta here, please.
But, master, you need me.
No. No buts.
Find something
to occupy your time
until we're through
with the project.
Oh!
No "oh." Please. Now. Go.
Thank you.
Oh, Jeannie!
Yes?
Mm.
Huh?
Oh.
Great, now what are we gonna do
when Dr. Bellows
brings in Oglethorpe?
The same thing Agnes did.
What's that?
Lie.
OGLETHORPE: I never heard
anything so ridiculous.
If it's gonna start,
then why doesn't it start now?
You know as well as I do.
I wanna know where it came from.
Thirty-eight,
23, 35. Yes.
Where's Agnes?
Huh? Agnes?
Agnes?
Agnes.
Oh, oh, Agnes, yes.
Well, here are the blueprints
right here, sir.
No, no, no, no.
Not the drawing.
The model. The toy.
The toy?
Toy?
The toy that was right here.
Th-that talks.
Like the doll that you squeeze
and it says:
"Change me, Mommy."
Uh, we've all been under
a lot of, ahem, pressure lately
trying to make the deadline.
And when you squeezed it,
it said, "Change me, Mama."
No!
It said, "My name is Agnes."
If you say so, sir.
Doctor.
Agnes wouldn't talk.
She'd bleep.
Bleep?
Oh! Excuse me.
I'd better take
the rest of the afternoon off.
[♪]
Hi, Jase.
Oh, hi, Pop. Did you get it?
Did I get it?
Take a look at this.
Ah, there it is.
A remote-control box
for a TV set?
Pop, we don't have a TV set.
Ah, but we will have.
Dozens of 'em, if we want.
When this little dandy
is hooked up
the MacWhorter flying stratosub
will be operational
and marketable.
Who ever heard
of a flying submarine?
Who ever heard
of a Hula-Hoop?
You pawned the motorcycle
for this?
You're looking at me
that way again, Jase.
What way?
Oh, the way that says
I'm an irresponsible,
impractical phony,
who would rather invent toys
that don't sell
than take a job
and support his son.
I'm sorry.
Don't be, it's true.
At least it was,
but not after this.
Not after the MacWhorter
flying stratosub
hits the toy market.
Come on. Let's go to the park
and give it a try.
Pop?
What if it doesn't work?
Well, why shouldn't it work?
It's got exactly
the same mechanism
as the MacWhorter
heat-seeking missile.
I know.
And that one went through
Mrs. Drexel's kitchen window
and crashed right into
her stove.
See, it worked.
It was seeking heat.
This is it, Jase.
Okay, Pop.
You can blast off anytime.
You keep a close track on it.
Fame and fortune, here we come.
[♪]
It's gonna work.
[BUZZING]
It works.
It's working.
Jase, it works.
We're gonna be rich.
It's working.
We're gonna be rich.
Oh, God, look at it go.
MacWHORTER:
We're gonna be rich.
We're gonna be rich.
Okay, Pop, bring it back.
I can't. It won't respond.
There it goes. All right,
you keep it in sight, son.
Oh. Is this your toy,
little boy?
It was.
There goes another million
down the tubes.
Aw.
I am sorry it is broken.
Would you like another toy
to play with?
No thanks, lady.
I'm trying to kick the habit.
Oh, well you may have Agnes.
I'm too old for girls.
[LAUGHS] Oh, no, no, no.
This is Agnes.
[♪]
What is it?
Well, I-it is called
an Anti-Gravity Nuclear
Earth Station.
Agnes. Yeah.
I've never seen
anything like this.
Where'd you get it?
I made it.
What's it do?
Well,
I-I-it is supposed to
orbit the moon,
but this one will not fly.
Boy, I wish this could fly.
Do you?
Hey, that's great.
I'd like to see it land.
It obeys my voice.
Agnes, stop.
[MAGIC BOINGS]
It must have a self-contained
voice modulation response unit.
If you say so.
Why do you not play with it
for a while?
Can I?
Mm-hm.
Gee, thanks, lady.
Agnes, up.
[LAUGHS]
Agnes, forward march.
Agnes, halt.
Agnes, down.
Agnes, up.
Agnes, forward march.
Way to go.
I understand these things.
I'm a psychiatrist.
Hard work, not enough sleep.
Uh, good morning, sir.
After all,
one low-grade hallucination
doesn't necessarily mean
that a man has flipped
his lid, does it? I...
Agnes?
I knew it. I knew it.
JASON:
Agnes!
Here!
Come back here, Agnes.
Come back here,
and that's an order.
Halt.
Hello, son.
Well, that's quite a toy
you've got up there.
Did I hear you call it Agnes?
Yes, sir.
Where did you get it?
From that lady over there.
She made it herself.
What lady?
Well, she was there
a minute ago.
Now listen, son.
As you can see,
I'm a United States Air Force
colonel.
Now, I don't want you
to move from here.
And don't let Agnes
out of your sight.
Why, you may be able to help me
plug up
a top-secret security leak.
Oh,
now, don't move from here.
[♪]
Here, Agnes.
Come to Papa.
Pop, you can't do that.
She belongs to a lady.
What lady?
The one who was on
that park bench.
JASON:
She's gone.
Well, you certainly can't give
it to her if she's not there.
I'll take it.
She built it.
It's her idea.
Are you suggesting
your own father
would steal
somebody else's idea?
No, Pop, but...
Well, I should hope not.
Now, look, Jase, you go on home
and stay in your room
until I get there.
That colonel told me
not to move.
Who's your superior officer:
Him or me?
You, Pop.
Move out.
Agnes, baby, what do you say
we see if you're patented?
You what?
Well, I-I gave Agnes
to a little boy
to play with in the park.
Oh, but do not worry, master.
He's a very nice little boy.
And his daddy is a toymaker too,
so he was very interested.
Y-You get it back.
Get it back. I don't care how.
Get it back and get rid of it
permanently.
Puh! But, master,
he's just a little boy.
Permanently.
Goodbye.
"My master is a meanie."
Huh? Oh, get it,
get it, get it, get it.
"My master is a meanie."
Oh, listen,
I think we're in trouble.
Huh? Oh, don't... Don't worry.
When Jeannie knows
what to do, she'll do it.
Yeah. Anyway, they'll never be
able to prove there was a model.
Yeah. Ha, ha.
Yeah.
Let me in there.
Where?
Now, hold on, Oglethorpe.
There's no need
to jump to conclusions.
Did...? You were the one
who saw her.
This morning.
Well, I know, but I...
Then... Then again,
in the park.
Just now.
Well? Did you
or didn't you?
Yes, but I'm sure
there's some explanation.
And I know what it is.
These two stole
our new top-secret weapon,
and they sold it
to a toy manufacturer.
[♪]
I demand that Mr. Oglethorpe
retract that statement.
If he believes there's
a toy replica of Agnes around,
I insist that he produce it.
He's got you there, Oglethorpe.
You'll have to produce evidence.
What about you?
You saw Agnes yourself.
I saw what I thought was Agnes.
Yes. Uh, it could be one
of thousands of...
Of space toys.
There are thousands
on the market.
Blazes. The boy called it Agnes.
Yeah.
It... It looked like Agnes.
It blinked like Agnes.
Sir, if these allegations
are to continue,
I demand that we be
formally charged and...
And brought to trial
in the highest military court.
Liberty and justice for all.
With liberty and justice for...
All right, Nelson.
There can't be that many
toy manufacturers
in Cocoa Beach.
I'm going out to look for Agnes,
and you two better pray
I don't find her.
Uh... Uh...
Oglethorpe.
Oh, uh, he won't find her,
will he?
No, of course not, sir.
How could he?
Ha, ha, ha.
Ah. Okay.
Ah. Great speech, Tony.
Great speech.
Thanks, Roge.
Now we'd better work on
the one we're gonna give
when we're in front
of the firing squad.
Huh?
[WHISTLING]
Hi, Pop.
Oh, Jase. Glad you're back.
Wait till you see
what I've got for you.
I'm sorry I ran off.
I went back to the park.
[SIGHS]
Don't think another thing
about it, son.
Unreasonable orders
are made to be disobeyed.
Pop.
Hm?
This is Jeannie.
She found me there.
She owns Agnes.
H-how do you do?
That's a great toy
you invented, miss.
A great toy.
Think fast, son.
What's this?
That is a football.
And over there
is a football helmet
and a baseball bat
and a pitcher's glove, and...
And that's
a muscle-building set.
You always wanted to be
the strongest boy on the block.
What'd you do, Pop, rob a bank?
Nope.
But while you were gone,
your old man signed a contract
to sell Agnes
to Astro Toys, Incorporated.
Isn't that marvelous,
Miss, uh, Jeannie?
Marvelous?
Oh, that is terrible.
Now, look, I know
what you're gonna say:
Agnes wasn't mine to sell.
You're right. You invented it,
and you're in for 50 percent.
Look at it this way, uh,
Miss Jeannie:
If you invented
a marvelous toy like Agnes,
you can invent plenty of others.
Right? You're a genius.
Genie.
Genius is plural.
Sure.
But, me, I...
I've been trying to crack
the toy market for years.
The MacWhorter
heat-seeking missile.
The MacWhorter flying stratosub.
And hundreds of others.
But nobody was interested.
You know why?
Because they were junk.
[♪]
I'm a fake and a fraud.
No, you're not, Pop.
Listen, Jeannie.
With Agnes, for the first time,
I'm able to give Jason
the things he deserves.
JASON:
Jeannie, you're being taken.
My dad may be
a lousy toy inventor,
but he's the greatest con man
in the world.
Right. And I'm exactly
what you need for a partner.
Now, how about it, Jeannie?
For Jase?
One for all, and all for one?
[MUFFLED MOAN]
Um... I-I-I will be
right back.
You...?
You let him keep it?
Oh, master. If you could see
the way he loves his son.
All the wonderful things
he wants to do for him.
[GROANS]
Oh, I could not take Agnes
away from them.
Oh. Jeannie.
It would break my heart.
Yeah, break your heart.
Steak, medium rare.
Mashed potatoes.
Crêpe suzette.
Roger, what are you doing?
I'm rehearsing for my last meal.
Oh.
Do you have any idea
what they're gonna do to us
if Oglethorpe finds Agnes?
Oh, master, I would not let them
do anything to you.
I would blink you away.
Oh, great.
We could go live
with my family in Baghdad.
Well, there's not
a heck of a lot
for an astronaut to do
in Baghdad, Jeannie.
Oh, yes. You are...
You are right.
Yeah.
Well, I will try again.
Hey, wait a minute.
I'm going with you.
You're too soft.
Oh. Heh.
Don't you want me
to order for you?
But I had no idea.
Why, Astro's Toys, Inc.
Is a most reputable firm.
How could such a thing
like this have happened?
Well, we don't know, exactly.
I do know this.
That if you know
the whereabouts of Agnes,
and you withhold
the information,
you'll find yourself
charged as an accessory.
Of course, major.
I understand perfectly.
After all, what's a small boy's
faith in his father
compared to
the national security?
Oh, uh, Mr. MacWhorter, now, I...
I... I didn't...
Not another word, major.
I'm sorry, son,
but the football
will have to go back.
And the football helmet.
[SOBS]
And the baseball bat.
And the muscle-building set.
Oh, brother.
Oh, master,
you see how sad it is.
Mr. MacWhorter,
if it's money you want,
I could certainly lend you...
Absolutely not, major.
We MacWhorters still have
our pride, don't we, son?
How much did you
have in mind, major?
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
OGLETHORPE:
I know you're there, Nelson!
[QUIETLY] Get out.
Excuse me, major, would
you hold this? Oh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Here, here.
Gotcha.
[WHEEZY LAUGH]
They can't do anything to us.
We're innocent.
So was Joan of Arc.
OGLETHORPE: You saw Agnes!
BELLOWS: I thought I saw Agnes.
GENERAL: Gentlemen, please.
Oh, I think I'll give myself up.
Oh, Roger,
pull yourself together.
Yeah. I won't give myself up.
OGLETHORPE:
No!
Hello.
What are you doing here?
I'm waiting for
my court-martial.
What are you doing here?
Court-martial? But why?
"Why"? NASA gets a little testy
about people giving away
their top secrets, that's why.
Oh, but that is not
a top secret.
Well, it would not even fly
unless I help it.
I told you about the kinessive.
Oh, Jeannie, will you stop
with the kinessi...?
Unless you can help it?
Well, I made it fly.
Can you put it back
the way it was?
[LAUGHS] Oh, but of course.
Oh, Jeannie, I could kiss you.
Oh! That is a lovely idea.
How about me?
I'm being court-martialed too.
Off. Get out.
They're coming to get us.
TONY:
You gotta get out.
Get up.
Major Healy.
I'm up.
Remember, you're an officer.
Yes, sir.
All right, gentlemen.
They're ready for you.
Yes, sir.
Uh, good luck.
Thank you, sir.
Gentlemen,
I have here physical proof,
and corroborating evidence
from several witnesses
who are willing
and ready to testify,
that the security
on Project Agnes
has been irreparably
compromised.
I insist
court-martial procedures
be instituted immediately
against Major Nelson
and Major Healy.
Uh, Major Nelson, say something.
[WHIMPERING]
BELLOWS:
Major Healy,
for heaven's sake,
say something.
You're standing on my foot.
Uh, there's been a little
misunderstanding here.
You'll laugh when I tell you
what happened.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Well, uh, Major Healy and I
were asked
to evaluate Agnes here
as a possible
new flying platform
responsive to voice command.
And it worked, so you sold it!
[SCOFFS]
Mr. Oglethorpe,
do you insist that
that is... Is Agnes?
Well, of course this is Agnes.
Toynapper.
Well, if it's Agnes,
I'm afraid it won't work.
Slander.
Libel!
General, I protest.
TONY: Sir, anyone with
half an eye can see
that the kinessive
overextends into the gibraun.
You say Agnes won't fly?
That's correct.
Watch.
Agnes, up.
[♪]
Agnes, up.
[WEAKLY] Up.
Agnes, it's me, Marvin.
Your inventor.
Up.
Please.
Uppy.
You need help?
OGLETHORPE:
Agnes,
fly.
[BEEPS]
What is this?
It's just a cheap toy.
An impostor. Agnes
would never do this to me.
Would you, baby?
Gentlemen,
I'm afraid we're
gonna have to reconsider
the whole project.
[♪]
And its designer.
[SOBS]
Back to the drawing board,
Oglethorpe.
I knew it. I knew
there was nothing to it.
Oglethorpe.
BELLOWS:
Uh, Major...
We're prepared to drop
the whole thing, sir.
Well, that's very good of you.
Imagine mistaking a child's toy
for a complex piece
of aeronautical hardware.
ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE:
My name is Agnes.
Change me, Mommy.
It's, uh, just a child's toy.
How do you do?
It's just a child's toy.
My name is Agnes.
Just a child's toy.
[♪]
So if she's of any use
to you at all,
Agnes is yours, free and clear.
And I do not wish to be
a partner, Mr. MacWhorter.
You and Jason may have it all.
Well, that's very generous
of the both of you, but, uh,
if what you say is true, uh...
I mean, if it breaks
the first time it flies...
Looks like we got
another stratosub, huh, Pop?
W-Wait a minute.
MacWhorter, just think:
A toy that breaks
the first time you use it.
Why, it is the ultimate
in planned obsolescence.
The perfect toy.
Ha, ha.
Why, we'll make millions!
Right, uh, partners?
Eh, well, if you put it
that way, Beattie.
What do you say, son?
Anything you say, Pop.
May we go home now, please?
Yeah, any place you want.
Any place?
Yeah.
MacWHORTER:
Major? Miss Jeannie?
Where did they go?
I wanted to thank them.
Oh, well, no one knows,
MacWhorter.
They go around helping people
all the time, then they just...
disappear off into the sunset.
Kinda chokes you up, doesn't it?
Well, happy toys.
[CHUCKLES]
[♪]