I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 4, Episode 23 - Around the World in 80 Blinks - full transcript

Jeannie tries to return Tony from a spaceflight to treat his cold and brings down the wrong astronaut.

[♪]

I gotta lay off
that space candy.

Ten minutes
to capsule entry, doctor.

Thank you, Tom.

Well, major, everything's fine,

except for a slight rise
in pulse rate.

We can put that down
to pre-blast-off excitement.

I've been waiting a number
of years for a lunar orbit.

I guess I am excited.

Commander, if you will.

Well, now, let's see
what we have here, Major Healey.



Ah, 175 pounds. Good.

Dr. Bellows,
I wanted to ask you a favor

in case the splashdown
is delayed.

Would you mind calling
the Surf Restaurant

and having them
hold the table for me?

Uh, we're having a little
party after the flight and...

I beg your pardon.

We're having a party and they
get testy about reservations

Major Healey, as command pilot,

I insist you keep your mind
on what's ahead.

Yes, sir. Of course.

Relax, commander.

I'm sure when
Major Healey is aloft,

he'll tend to business.



Yeah. After all,
the moon's pretty romantic.

Had a lot of things written
about it, poetry, music.

All bushwa.

The moon is a dead satellite
composed of igneo-ferrous rock.

There is no plant life,
no animal life, nothing.

It's just a field
for scientific experiment

and that's all.

Wingate's gonna be
a lot of laughs on the moon.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Well, gentlemen,
as far as I'm concerned,

it's all systems go.

The only problem
is the flu epidemic.

Of course, you've all been
inoculated for the Asian flu,

the Hong Kong flu,
as a matter of fact,

every kind of flu
that we have a vaccine for.

Well, the rest is up to you.

Good luck, commander, major.

ROGER: About the Surf Restaurant, sir.
Would you mind calling...

Master. Psst.

Jeannie, I'm gonna blast off
any second now.

I know.

Major Nelson, are you coming?

I'll be right there, sir.

But I had to give you
one last-minute goodbye kiss.

Y...
Mm.

Oh. Good luck.
Good luck.

And say hello
to the man in the moon for me.

Jeannie, there's no man
in the moon.

Well, of course there is.
Everyone says so.

Nelson.
Nelson, let's go.

I'll be right there, sir.

Yes.

[SNEEZES]

Oh, my goodness.

I hope I am not coming down
with something.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Tony, I've reported your cold
to Mission Control.

They say it's up to me
whether we abort or not.

Well, sir.

[SNEEZES]

[NASALLY] We've come this far.
Might as well go all the way.

[SNEEZES]

Listen, we're 10 minutes away
from lunar injection.

After that, it'll be too late.

Yeah, I'd hate to ask my doctor

to make a house call
on the moon.

[LAUGHING]

Space humor there, commander.

It'll be a fun trip.

[♪]

This is Nelson
to Mission Control.

Translunar insertion
in 60 seconds.

After that we'll be
on radio and TV silence.

I wanna take this opportunity

on behalf of Commander Wingate
and Major Healey

to thank all the ground crew

for making this moment possible.

[SNEEZES]

Sorry.

Oh, dear.

This is terrible.

My master cannot go
to the moon when he has a cold.

He must be home
where I can nurse him.

[SNEEZES]

This is Nelson, over and out.

How was the walk, Wingate?

Exactly as I expected.

You must remember, Nelson,
I have been here before.

Yes, of course.

Stand by
for translunar insertion.

Give me a countdown.

Five, four, three,

two, one, zero.

Lunar orbit, here we come.

[SIGHING] Ah.

Right on the button, Wingate.

Oh, now we can relax
for the next seven hours.

There, there, master.

Now, you can go to the moon
next week, when you feel better.

[GASPS]

Oh, dear.

Where am I?

I brought back
the wrong astronaut.

Steady, steady, steady,
steady, Wingate. Uh...

They talk about raptures
of the deep.

And, um, maybe you're having
raptures of deep space.

Um...

Major Healey, take over
and wake Major Nelson.

I seem to be having some kind
of hallucination.

No, no, commander,
this is no hallucination.

I simply made a mistake.

[SNEEZES]

Oh. Goodness.

Maybe my cold
is affecting my powers.

Um, ahem, this is...
This is, uh...

This is incredible, Healey,

but at this moment
you appear to me as a, um...

A very beautiful
woman wearing a, uh...

A, uh...
A harem costume.

Well, thank you.

It's my pleasure, Healey.

Oh, do not worry, commander.

I will put you back
on your spacecraft.

And I will bring my master here.

Uh, no, no, I had better not.

If I should miss,

you would be floundering out
in space for ever and ever.

I know.

I know. I will bring
my master here.

I will try for him one more time

Oh, he is so brilliant.
He is so brilliant.

He will know exactly what to do.

Well, now what do we do?

There's nothing to do.

We can't change course
until we enter the lunar orbit.

Besides, we're gonna be
on radio silence

for next seven hours.

There's nothing to do but wait.

Oh, I wonder what Wingate
is gonna think of Jeannie.

Major Healey, I'm gonna
take a sleeping pill

and maybe when I wake up,
you'll be yourself again.

I mean, I'll be myself again,
whatever.

Oh, master, oh, master,
thank heaven.

I was so afraid that my cold
had affected my blink.

Your blink's pretty rusty
all right.

Blink us back in
the capsule immediately.

Ah, oh, Nelson,
Nelson, good, good.

I, uh... I seem to be
coming out of it.

You, uh... You look
like you should.

But, um, I wish you'd stop
kissing Major Healey.

Now, please.

I cannot, master.
I must talk to you first.

Well, would you put him
to sleep or something.

Oh, there is no need, master.
He took a sleeping pill.

Why did you do this?

That is why.
You see, master.

You know better
than to go out of the house

when you have a cold.

Jeannie, NASA's been preparing
for this flight for three years,

spending millions of dollars
and you blink me back

just 'cause I have a cold?

How about Wingate?
He didn't even have a cold.

Oh, well, I was aiming for you.

Well, you see,
with my cold, my...

My eyes are all teary

and my nose is plugged up,
and I...

I missed.

Well, blow your nose
and blink us back.

Oh, master, I could not do that.

It would be too dangerous.

Oh, I might miss and...

And... And miss that
tiny little capsule

and you'd be floundering
in space for ever and ever.

Oh, Jeannie.

I am sorry, master.

Don't you understand...

It is all my fault.

Roger is up there all alone.

It takes two people
to operate that thing.

He can't possibly
complete the mission.

Oh, that is all right, master.

I will go up there and help him.

You... What?
You can't go up there.

You don't know
the first thing about it.

Of course I can, master.
It is the only way to fly.

You're kidding.
You can't... Jeannie!

Jeannie, come back. Ah!

Master, be sure
and get plenty of rest,

eat lightly and push fluids.

What? Oh, wait a minute,
you can't...

It occurs to me...
Nelson?

You want lonely,
I'll give you lonely.

Hello, Major Healey.

What is this,
Grand Central Station?

I do not think so.

Where's Tony
and Commander Wingate?

They're at home.

I am supposed to help you
complete your mission.

Great. The boys on Yorktown
are in for a surprise

when they pick us up.

[♪]

Shh. Don't wake up.

[TONY GRUNTS]

Here.

Up, up, up.

Shh.

Major, take a note.

Feeling of weightlessness
is very pronounced.

Weightlessness, yeah.

[GRUNTS]

This is a marvelous idea,
Amanda,

throwing a surprise,
welcome-home party

for Major Nelson.

I can't wait to see
the look on his face.

Oh, me too, sweetheart.

Put those things in the kitchen

and I think I'll start in here.

Wait a minute,
I'm gonna need a red.

Give me a white
while you're there.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Oh. Shh.

[♪]

Shh.

Shh.

[WINGATE GROANS]

TONY:
Shh!

What's happening?

I feel like I'm on
somebody's shoulder.

Yeah, weird, isn't it?

Commander, release
the attitude control.

Attitude control released.

Oh, pretty.
Darling, hand me a white.

Is there white?

Ah, here we are.
Thank you.

BELLOWS:
Hey, good job.

[GIGGLES]

Alfred, is there anybody here?

Not as far as I know.

[GRUNTS, YELLS]

[CRASH]

Um, so how come I just saw
the garage doors close?

What?
Yes, Alfred.

When we drove up,
the garage doors were open

and I just saw them close.

Right now.

Thieves?

You think so?

Let's take a look.

Where are we?

Huh? We're in deep space, sir.

Where else would we be?

I was having hallucinations.

I must still be having them.
This place looks like a garage.

Ah! Someone's out th...
Shh.

I was just trying...
Testing the retro rocket, sir.

Everything's gonna be fine.

We're in deep space. You're just
having a very weird reaction.

AMANDA: Alfred, darling, I tell you.
There is someone in here.

All right, Amanda.
Let's find out.

Hold it. Don't be
so excited.

Just try to go back to sleep.

[♪]

I am sorry I ruined everything,
Major Healey.

Please do not be angry.

I'm not angry.

It takes three men
to run a capsule.

I got one genie, one guy.

If I had two genies,
maybe, and one guy.

Or two guys and one genie.

Major, I...

Shh.

AMANDA:
What's happening?

BELLOWS:
It must be stuck.

What are you doing?

Wait!

My tie!

Shh!

AMANDA:
Alfred.

[GRUNTING] What is it, Alfred?

BELLOWS:
Ah, Amanda.

Heaven help me.

[GRUNTS] Oh!

I'm sorry.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I never heard of such things.

Alfred, I'm very sorry.

Amanda, the door was locked
because obviously

Major Nelson wanted it locked.

He wanted to keep people out
and that includes us.

How could he lock it because...

Now, look, honey,
let's go back to the decorating.

I've got to back at the base
when they break radio silence.

All right, dear, but I...

Now, look, Amanda,
I have never heard of...

What's going on here?
That was Dr. Bellows' voice.

I'd recognize it anywhere.

You're endangering
the whole mission, sir.

You know what I think?

I think that I must have
blacked out in the capsule.

You aborted the mission
and for some strange reason

you're trying to convince me
that I'm still up there.

Sir, listen to me.
Get a grip on yourself.

What's the last thing you
remember before you blacked out?

Ah, I was in a bedroom. Yeah.

And there was a girl there.

Yeah.

And she was wearing
an Arabian harem costume.

Does that sound like a man

in complete control
of his faculties?

Well, no, I'm...
Well, I must admit...

But this is a garage.
I can see it.

Y-You want proof, sir?
Here, watch.

Look. Look down.

Fantastic.

It looks close enough to touch.

Yeah, and yet we're thousands
and thousands of miles away.

I can see the whole
Atlantic Ocean.

As a matter of fact,
it says "Atlantic Ocean."

Turbulence.

Jeannie, please try to get
the commander and Tony back.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Major Healey.
I cannot risk it.

I can't fly
this thing by myself.

Oh, Major Healey, have patience.

Patience, patience.

Now, I know what a moon is.

Now, all you have to do
is tell me what an orbit is,

and I will get you one.

Tell you what an orbit...

Okay.

Start at the beginning.

Now, look, Amanda,
we have to go.

They break radio silence
in 20 minutes.

Darling, why don't you go on
by yourself

and, uh, I'll stay here
and finish decorating,

and I can watch it
on the major's television set.

All right, if you insist.

Okay, darling.
Bye. Bye.

I've gotta get to NASA.

That's the only way I can
get in touch with Jeannie.

Sir, please, wake up. Sir.

Helmet. My helmet.

I feel naked without my helmet.

Helmet? I'll get you a helmet.
Don't worry. Stay there.

Nelson, what's going on?

Everything's all right, sir.
Just fine.

Major Nelson, is that you?

Who's that?
Who's that?

Oh, don't be silly, Amanda.
He's on his way to the moon.

Major Nelson, that is...
What are you doing here?

That was Major Nelson.

I'm gonna have to go to NASA
and tell Alfred about this.

For heaven's sake.

All right, Jeannie, ready?

Ready.
Okay, now.

Did I do right, Major Healey?

[WHIMPERS]

Do you know where we're headed?

Mars.

Mars! What went wrong?

I don't know, sir.

Incredible.

The yellow lever,
before it's too late!

Yellow lever.
Which way, Major Healey?

Starboard until
I tell you to stop.

Starboard.
Is starboard up or down?

Is starboard up or down?

Oh, I didn't wanna go
to the moon anyway.

Major Healey,
I can see the moon.

Perhaps if I blinked.

How are they doing now?

It's all right. Sir.
They're back on course.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Major Nelson,
you come back here.

You come back here this instant.

You're supposed to be
on your way to the moon.

Major, you come out of there.

A heck of a way
to end your career,

trapped in a men's room.

AMANDA: Major! You're supposed
to be on your way to the moon.

I knew I saw him at his house.

Now Alfred's gonna see you too.

Major Nelson,
you come out of there.

Do you hear me, Major Nelson?

Oh, airman, you come right here

and you stand right there
and guard that door.

And don't you let a soul
out of there. You hear me?

Excuse me, ma'am, but I can't
take orders from you.

Well, of course you can.
I'm a colonel's wife.

Alfred! Alfred!

General, general, come quick.

I have Major Nelson trapped
in the men's room.

I beg your pardon,
Mrs. Bellows.

He's in the men's room.

And I think he's got
Commander Wingate with him.

Amanda, please,
what's the matter with you.

Commander Wingate
and Major Nelson

are in Apollo 14
on their way to the moon.

That's what they want you
to think,

but they're in the men's room.

And I have an airman
guarding the door.

Doctor, get her out of here.

Amanda, please, calm down.

Alfred, I saw him. I s...

[♪]

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
[SNEEZES]

I'm not supposed to let
anybody come out of there.

Yeah, yeah.

Say, aren't you Major Nelson?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] You got
the major part right, boy,

but Major Nelson's
on his way to the moon.

Yes, sir, I know, but...

Who told you to guard
this door, anyway?

Oh, uh, it was
a colonel's wife, sir.

A colonel's wife.
Yes, sir.

Sufferin' catfish,
what's this Air Force coming to?

I'm gonna give you
another order, boy.

Stand guard this door,
Don't let anybody in.

You understand?
Yes, sir.

[SNEEZES]

[BABBLES]

[NORMAL VOICE]
How am I gonna talk to Jeannie

without three million people
seeing me?

Alfred, you've got
to believe me, I saw him.

Now, Amanda, why don't you
go into my office and lie down.

I'll be with you
just as soon as I can.

Ugh. Agh.

Major, w-would you mind
coming into the next room

and showing yourself
to my husband?

I can't.

You can't?

[WHISPERS] I'm not here.

You're not here?

[GIGGLES]

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Alfred, Alfred, Major Nelson...!

Everybody come!
He's out here!

[SCREAMS]

He went over there.
Over there, come on!

Jeannie? Jeannie? Apollo 14,
Apollo 14, come in, please.

Jeannie!

Oh, yes, master.
I can hear you.

But I cannot see you.

Blink me back up there, please.

Oh, but, master,
I'm not sure if it would work.

Jeannie, blink me
back up there, now.

Now!

Alfred. Come on, come on.
He's right over here.

He's right over...

Where?

Well, he was right here.

Now, Amanda,
this is going to stop.

He was right here,
now he's gone.

Ridiculous.

He was here.

Oh, master, I made it.

I did it. I did it.
I was successful.

Wait, wait a minute.
Don't be so happy.

Get Wingate up here.

Oh, instantly, master.

Right now.

Oh.
Oh.

[LAUGHING]

Healey. Healey, Nelson
Listen, you won't believe

the dream I've been having.

Oh, yes, I will.

Happy landings everybody.

Thank you.

This is Nelson
to Mission Control.

We're about to pass
behind the moon.

That's Apollo 14 over and out.

So listen, now, at first
I thought I was in a bedroom.

And there was a girl there
in a harem outfit.

WINGATE: And then I thought
I was in a garage.

Yeah, well, if I were you,
I'd keep that dream to myself.

Oh, but...

We wouldn't want Dr. Bellows

to think you had
one trip too many.

Oh, no, no, no,

it's very valuable
scientific research.

No, no, no, that's liable
to get you grounded.

Tony and I
didn't have the dream.

Yeah, that's right.

Did you have the dream?
You alone.

Amanda, I never heard
of anything so ridiculous

in all my life.

Alfred, I'm telling you
that I saw him.

He was... He was wearing
a gardener's uniform

and he was pushing a man
in a garbage can.

And the man in the garbage can
had a big globe on his head.

The man had a big globe
on his head?

You know, Amanda,
you are amazing.

You're a psychiatrist's wife
and you don't...

Will you get rid of that?

I'll get rid of it.

You're the most gullible person.

What, darling, I can't hear you.

[♪]