I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 4, Episode 19 - The Biggest Star in Hollywood - full transcript
Jeannie gets a guest shot on "Laugh-In."
[♪]
You know, I really don't think
that's what I'm looking for.
Well, what about this?
Okay.
Heh.
Thank you.
Yeah, I think this would be
more in line with what...
What I had in mind.
You know, something
kind of casual and subdued.
I'll take this.
Shall I charge it?
Please, yes.
Looks wonderful on you, master.
Oh, you like it?
It is just the thing
for Hollywood.
You don't think it's tight
at the shoulders?
Oh, no, master.
It is just perfect.
What are you doing
in my reflection?
Please take me with you.
I've only been
to Hollywood once.
Yeah, once is enough.
Listen, I'm going
on Air Force business.
Besides, Dr. Bellows will be
sharing a room with me.
I'll only be gone a week.
Oh, but it will seem
like a century, master.
Oh, I will miss you so.
Get out. Oh, no.
Major Nelson?
Major Nelson.
Yeah?
Isn't that carrying personal
vanity a little too far?
Just straightening out
my tie, sir.
Ah, yes. Well, uh,
we'd better be moving along.
Our plane leaves in an hour.
Yes, sir.
Goodbye.
What'd you say?
Nothing. Nothing.
Just getting ready. Thank you.
Can I wrap it for you?
No, no. Just charge it.
I'll... Thank you.
Gary, did you see that?
I sure did, Mr. Schlatter.
That's the most incredible piece
of magic I've ever seen.
Say, aren't you Gary Owens
of the Laugh-In show?
Well, yes, I am. And this is
George Schlatter, our producer.
WOMAN:
Oh, really?
Oh, sock it to me.
Sock it to me. Sock it to me.
Very good, miss.
Cute, cute.
Could you excuse us, just...?
Oh, yeah.
Gary, listen,
we've got to get that girl
in the mirror
for Laugh-In.
She's a gas.
Yes, she is.
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
Listen, I've got a meeting back
in the office in 15 minutes.
I want you to wait here
and sign that girl for the show.
Well, all right, Mr. Schlatter.
I'll do my best.
Gary?
Uh, yes?
Why isn't your finger
in your ear?
Oh, uh, yes.
Okay, Mr. Schlatter.
I'll try to get her.
For the show.
Yes, yes.
Uh, miss, excuse me.
Oh, no, excuse me.
I was standing
in your reflection.
Oh, that's...
That's quite all right.
By the way,
how would you like to appear
on the Rowan & Martin Laugh-In?
Oh, well, thank you very much.
But I do not think
I could appear on television.
My master would not like it.
Did you say, "your master"?
Yes. Oh, Major Healey.
Hi, Jeannie. Did Tony leave yet?
I wanted to say goodbye to him.
Hey, wait a minute.
Aren't you Gary Owens
of the Laugh-In show,
with the thing with the ear?
Uh, yes, yes.
Yes, that's right.
Uh, and you, uh, must be,
uh, the girl's master.
Is that right?
No, uh, we're...
We're just good friends.
Oh, I see.
Uh, we'd like to use her
on our Laugh-In television show.
You want to do a sp...
Well, actually, I'm her agent.
Her agent? In, uh, that uniform?
Well, I...
I moonlight as an astronaut.
Actually, show business
is my first love.
Why don't we talk about billing
and money and details like that?
Major Healey,
I cannot appear on a...
Don't make him think
you're anxious.
Actually, uh,
she gets top billing.
We want
a fabulous publicity campaign.
"Roger Healey presents
Jeannie under the personal
management of Roger Healey."
No, it's too long. The name's
too long. We gotta change it.
Uh, Jeannie is too long?
No, Roger Healey's too long.
We'll change Jeannie too.
Oh, I see. Well...
Major, we'll work these details
out in our West Coast office.
I-I've got to go.
Jeannie,
before I leave, one question.
How in the world did you do it?
Oh, you mean, stepping
through the mirror?
Yes.
Oh, it is very simple.
I just cross my arms...
Well, actually... Actually,
it's a...
It's a phony mirror.
Incredible.
We better get outta here.
That's incredible.
[♪]
Uh, is this
the Los Angeles Times?
I would like to speak to
the entertainment editor. Mm-hm.
Uh, is this
the entertainment editor?
Uh, this is Roger Healey,
the Hollywood agent.
Heh. That's right.
I got a little scoop for you.
You wanna take this down?
Princess Armena is going to star
in the next Laugh-In show.
You don't know who she is?
You don't know who I am?
You don't know
who either one of us are?
Where have you been?
She's the biggest thing
in Baghdad.
She's the hottest thing since
Aladdin and his magic lamp.
That's right, Armena.
Be sure you get
that spelled right.
That's H-E-A-L-E-Y. Right.
Nice talking to ya.
[HUMMING]
Okay, Jeannie,
you can come out now.
[♪]
Okay, sweetie, let's go.
I have been trying
to tell you, Major Healey,
I am not going to Hollywood.
You're not going to Hollywood?
You're kid...
I discovered you.
I made you a princess.
You can't do that.
Think of it: Stardom, rich,
money, money, rich, stardom.
This is my big chance.
I mean this is your big chance.
But I do not wish to be a star,
Major Healey.
I only wish
to be with my master.
Well, there you are.
Tony's in Hollywood.
You could be with him.
But I already asked him
to take me, and he said that...
That he would have
no time for me.
Well, that's, uh, because
he takes you for granted.
I mean, if you were a big star
with Hollywood at your feet,
he would sit up and take notice.
Do you really think so?
Absolutely.
Do you want to be a...?
Do you want to be a big star
and have Tony proud of you?
Well, I...
Or do you want Tony to be alone
in Hollywood
with beautiful starlets
who are crazy about astronauts?
When do we leave?
Now.
I already made
the deal with Laugh-In.
[♪]
Yeah?
Major Anthony Nelson?
Yeah, that's right.
I'm Doug Reynolds,
Hollywood Chronicle.
Oh, yeah. Well, how'd
you know I was here?
Oh, it was in the NASA
press release.
See, I'm covering the arrival
of Princess Armena.
While waiting for her, I thought
I'd ask you a few questions
about your speaking tour.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry,
but, uh, all aspects
of Major Nelson's visit were
covered in the release.
No personal interviews.
Yeah, but...
I'm sorry,
but those are our orders.
Major Nelson.
Yes. Excuse me.
But just a few questions.
Sheesh.
[♪]
Now, major, I've marked it
all down in this little book.
The first place we're going
to see is Hollywood and Vine,
uh, Grauman's Chinese,
then Disneyland.
Sir, you go without me.
I'm not much
of a hand at sightseeing.
I have a report to do.
Major, major,
that must be the princess
that reporter talked about.
Oh?
MAN: Tell me, princess,
how long you figure
on staying in Hollywood?
I'll answer the questions.
That's Roger, R-O-G-E-R,
Healey, Healey.
Excuse me. Uh, no more,
no more, gentlemen.
All right, one more picture.
One more picture.
Get the two of us together.
How's this? You got that?
Get the picture?
All right, that's it.
We'll have a press conference
in my office a little later.
We'll go up to the hotel room
right here.
Perhaps I can take a picture.
Amanda will be thrilled.
Put that down. I only want
a picture. I can't see her.
Sir, you gave orders
not to be conspicuous.
That's strange.
That fellow there,
he looks exactly like...
Shall we go sightseeing?
Well, I thought
you weren't interested.
Tell me something, princess...
[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
And maybe... Maybe to Grauman's
Chinese. What do you say?
Oh, sir.
BELLOWS: Wait a minute!
[♪]
TONY: Uh, Roger Healey, please.
Yes.
[TONY CLEARS THROAT]
Hello, Roger? Roger?
Roger, what are you and Jeannie
doing in Hollywood?
Can't talk to you now, T.N.,
I'm in the middle
of a press conference.
Uh, who's T.N.?
And what is the press conference
all about?
T.N., big-time producer.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Look, I know
how badly you want her,
but I... I couldn't let her go
for less than a mil.
But I'll keep you in mind.
Okay.
Nice talking to you.
Roger?
Roger?!
Smile, major.
Cheese.
Uh, no more calls, doll.
Didn't I tell you?
When the princess makes
her American television debut,
we'll have to beat 'em off
with clubs.
Didn't I tell you guys?
Oh. Heh.
[♪]
Are you going over that speech
of yours, major?
Yes, sir. I'm just taking
a look at the notes.
Oh, give my very best to
Mrs. Bellows, would you, please?
Oh, thank you, major.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Good heavens, major,
what are you doing?!
I'm just checking
the light, sir.
It, uh...
It's plugged in now.
Well...
Yeah, aren't you going
in the wrong direction, major?
The Princess Armena's in there.
Oh, yeah?
Well, that's 606.
I thought it was 604.
They look so much alike.
[CHUCKLING] Yeah.
[MUTTERING]
ROGER: Who is it?
Uh, bellboy. Telegram.
Thanks.
Huh?
Roger! Roger.
Hi.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yeah, no tip, huh, major?
[WHISPERS] Jeannie?
Jeannie?
Major Nelson.
What are you doing?
[SCREAMS] Major Nelson!
Hey.
Practicing space flight, major?
[♪]
Master?
Master, I must talk with you.
[GROANS]
Oh...
Master, it is I, Jeannie.
Major Healey told me
not to talk to you,
but I miss you so much.
I could not wait.
BELLOWS:
Amanda. Amanda.
Oh, dear.
Amanda, your hand is as soft
as lily of the valley.
Jeannie.
Go back to sleep, Albert.
Alfred.
Alfred.
Yes.
Huh?
Shh.
[BOTH WHISPERING
INDISTINCTLY]
We should be quiet.
Just be calm.
[♪]
Okay.
Master.
Master.
Jeannie.
[SCREAMS] Shh.
Oh, master, I have been
so lonely without you.
You told me you would
only be gone a week
and you have been gone a long...
One day. One day.
I don't know
what you're doing here,
but I want you
back in Cocoa Beach.
MAN: Hold it!
[CAMERA CLICKS]
What a story:
"Astronaut and the Princess
Armena in Midnight Tête-à-Tête."
TONY: This is not what
you think, not at all.
Major Nelson.
[TONY CLEARS THROAT]
Yes, sir?
What's going on here?
You told me he fell
out of the window
trying to fix
the window shade, huh?
Yeah, he's been trying
to get in her room all day.
Oh, thank you, folks.
This'll make a whale
of a story, I promise you.
Major Nelson, come back
to this room immediately.
Yes.
Master, what shall I do?
You stay in your room.
I'll see you in the morning.
Major Nelson.
But, mas...
BELLOWS: Major, I'm
astounded, utterly astounded.
After I told you
we had express orders
to avoid undue publicity,
you get involved with a...
Sleepwalking?
Major, this is absurd,
absolutely absurd.
Are you trying to tell me that
you were walking in your sleep
when you just accidentally
happened to bump
into the Princess Armena?
Oh, major, wake up.
Wake up.
Oh, I don't believe this
for an instant.
This is remarkable.
[SNORING]
TONY: Sorry.
It's okay.
Excuse me.
Hey, you're Major Nelson.
Yeah. You're Judy Carne.
Right.
From the Laugh-In.
Yeah.
How about that?
And you're the astronaut.
Well, how'd you know that?
Oh, you're putting me on.
I've seen the morning paper.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, let me see.
It's really romantic.
Yeah.
Well, there was a little
misunderstanding last night.
I-I was walking in my sleep,
and this idiot photographer
came out, had to snap...
Sure, major. Sure.
You know, sock it to me.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, boy. Heh.
You know Major Healey?
You mean,
Princess Armena's manager?
Oh, sure. He's gonna let
her appear on the Laugh-In.
ROGER: The beds have
already been made up.
I know who you are.
Do you know who I am, Roge?
Huh? You know me?
You're Judy Carne.
Hi.
What's with him?
Space fatigue.
Hm.
Would you like to sit down?
Yeah.
[SIGHS]
Princess?
Oh, master.
Oh, master,
I'm so glad you came.
I did not get a chance
to tell you.
I am going to be a TV star.
You're gonna be en route
to Cocoa Beach.
Oh, but wait.
Master, I am not a TV star yet.
[SCOFFS]
Well, you know how these mad,
passionate love affairs are.
No. How are they?
Well, they can't be
separated for a moment.
Hm.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Looks like they can't bear
to be together for a moment.
Yeah, well, as I said before,
space fatigue.
Sure.
I'm sorry, Jeannie,
but your show business career
is over as of now.
[PHONE RINGING]
BELLOWS: Are you there, major?
Yes, sir. I'll get it.
Hello?
[CHUCKLING] Oh, hello, Roger.
Well, where is she?
The princess has retired
to her bottle.
Tony, you can't do this to me.
This is my one chance
to be rich and famous.
Yeah, well, good luck.
Wait a minute.
You don't understand.
I signed a contract.
If she doesn't appear,
they'll sue me.
This is my... I'll be washed up
in Hollywood.
If she does appear,
I'll be washed up...
Who is it, major?
Maid service, sir.
They wanna know
when to make up the room.
Hm. This is very interesting.
What's in it?
Uh, after-shave lotion.
I picked it up
at the drugstore downstairs.
Good. Do you mind if I try?
I'm about to shower and shave.
Well, I'd kind of rather...
Rather you didn't.
Well, tell the maid to make up
the room in 10 minutes.
Yes. Uh, make up the room
in 10 minutes.
Dr. Bellows, sir.
Doctor?
Doctor...
[WATER RUNNING, BELLOWS SINGING]
Don't... Don't use
that after-shave lotion, sir.
Dr. Bellows?
Oh.
TONY:
Dr. Bellows?
Dr. Bellows?
Sir? Uh...
I'd rather that you...
Tony, Tony, I'm on my knees.
You've got to let Jeannie
appear on that show.
I'll be washed up
in show business.
This is my only chance to be...
Roger, Roger, Roger, shut up.
All right.
All right?
If you can get her out
of the bathroom, she's yours.
She's mine? Oh, I knew
you wouldn't let me down.
You're a friend.
Stop it.
[BELLOWS CONTINUES SINGING]
Who's that?
That's Dr. Bellows.
Dr. Bellows is
in the bathroom?
With Jeannie.
Dr. Bellows is
in the bathroom with Jeannie?
He thinks she's a bottle
of after-shave lotion.
Oh, I need a drink.
Oh, do I need a drink.
Oh, I'm sorr...
Roger.
[BELLOWS SINGING]
[♪]
Oh, master, let me out.
[WATER STOPS RUNNING]
He's finished showering.
He's gonna shave.
Look, Tony, we've been
together a long time,
and I want
to tell you one thing:
That when he opens up
that bottle...
I know. You're gonna be
standing right beside me.
Wrong. I am going
to be on a plane
halfway to Cocoa Beach.
All right,
if you're gonna go, go.
I got enough troubles
without you hanging around
and confusing the issue.
I don't know where they went.
I believe you.
I haven't seen anybody.
Hey, that's him.
That's her manager.
[YELLING]
What's holding you up?
We're double-parked.
Art... Arte Johnson.
You're Arte Johnson.
Yeah.
Arte Johnson.
Yes.
That's Arte Johnson.
That's Arte Johnson, yes.
Arte Johnson and Judy Carne.
Uh, yes. Uh, major,
this is Arte Johnson.
Major Nelson, you know
Judy Carne, of course.
Hi.
Uh, major, we realize
that you and the princess
are a hot item,
but we have no time.
We've gotta be there
in half an hour.
You mean, the princess
was over here?
In the major's room?
[IN GERMAN ACCENT]
Very interesting.
Where is she?
Oh, she's in freshening up.
Something probably happened.
BELLOWS:
I'm almost finished, major.
I'll say something happened.
Well, there goes
the electric razor.
Armena shaves?
Why not? She has a face.
Uh, Dr. Bellows?
[RAZOR BUZZING]
[COUGHS]
Why don't the three of you
go over to the studio,
I'll bring her along later?
And miss her entrance?
I wouldn't miss
that for the world.
BELLOWS: Major Nelson,
what's the meaning of this?!
[COUGHING]
Major Nelson, you call
this after-shave lotion?
I don't know, sir.
What do you call it?
BELLOWS:
Oh, it smells like skunk.
Must be something wrong
in the factory.
Air. Air!
I must have a breath of air.
When I get you back to...
[YELLS]
Oh, oh.
[YELLING]
BELLOWS: Major, what on
earth are you doing?!
Huh?
Major, what happened?
You really socked it to him.
Yeah.
Major, who are these people?
Oh, I-I... Are you registered
in the hotel?
You're in the wrong room.
I'm Dr. Bellows.
Great heavens!
I'm not dressed.
I thought we did
far-out things
on Laugh-In,
but this is too much.
Hey, where's the princess?
We're gonna be late
for the show.
Well, I have it
on very good authority
that she's not gonna
do the show.
GARY: Not gonna do the show?
JUDY: She has to do the show.
ARTE: Her agent
signed a contract.
Yeah, I know.
But she told me
that she's retiring
from show business.
Well, she's making a comeback.
Roger! Roger!
Roger! Roger!
[♪]
ALL:
Confusing.
[IN GERMAN ACCENT]
But very interesting.
[YELLS]
Roger!
Come back here, Roger!
[YELLS]
[♪]
You know, I really don't think
that's what I'm looking for.
Well, what about this?
Okay.
Heh.
Thank you.
Yeah, I think this would be
more in line with what...
What I had in mind.
You know, something
kind of casual and subdued.
I'll take this.
Shall I charge it?
Please, yes.
Looks wonderful on you, master.
Oh, you like it?
It is just the thing
for Hollywood.
You don't think it's tight
at the shoulders?
Oh, no, master.
It is just perfect.
What are you doing
in my reflection?
Please take me with you.
I've only been
to Hollywood once.
Yeah, once is enough.
Listen, I'm going
on Air Force business.
Besides, Dr. Bellows will be
sharing a room with me.
I'll only be gone a week.
Oh, but it will seem
like a century, master.
Oh, I will miss you so.
Get out. Oh, no.
Major Nelson?
Major Nelson.
Yeah?
Isn't that carrying personal
vanity a little too far?
Just straightening out
my tie, sir.
Ah, yes. Well, uh,
we'd better be moving along.
Our plane leaves in an hour.
Yes, sir.
Goodbye.
What'd you say?
Nothing. Nothing.
Just getting ready. Thank you.
Can I wrap it for you?
No, no. Just charge it.
I'll... Thank you.
Gary, did you see that?
I sure did, Mr. Schlatter.
That's the most incredible piece
of magic I've ever seen.
Say, aren't you Gary Owens
of the Laugh-In show?
Well, yes, I am. And this is
George Schlatter, our producer.
WOMAN:
Oh, really?
Oh, sock it to me.
Sock it to me. Sock it to me.
Very good, miss.
Cute, cute.
Could you excuse us, just...?
Oh, yeah.
Gary, listen,
we've got to get that girl
in the mirror
for Laugh-In.
She's a gas.
Yes, she is.
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
Listen, I've got a meeting back
in the office in 15 minutes.
I want you to wait here
and sign that girl for the show.
Well, all right, Mr. Schlatter.
I'll do my best.
Gary?
Uh, yes?
Why isn't your finger
in your ear?
Oh, uh, yes.
Okay, Mr. Schlatter.
I'll try to get her.
For the show.
Yes, yes.
Uh, miss, excuse me.
Oh, no, excuse me.
I was standing
in your reflection.
Oh, that's...
That's quite all right.
By the way,
how would you like to appear
on the Rowan & Martin Laugh-In?
Oh, well, thank you very much.
But I do not think
I could appear on television.
My master would not like it.
Did you say, "your master"?
Yes. Oh, Major Healey.
Hi, Jeannie. Did Tony leave yet?
I wanted to say goodbye to him.
Hey, wait a minute.
Aren't you Gary Owens
of the Laugh-In show,
with the thing with the ear?
Uh, yes, yes.
Yes, that's right.
Uh, and you, uh, must be,
uh, the girl's master.
Is that right?
No, uh, we're...
We're just good friends.
Oh, I see.
Uh, we'd like to use her
on our Laugh-In television show.
You want to do a sp...
Well, actually, I'm her agent.
Her agent? In, uh, that uniform?
Well, I...
I moonlight as an astronaut.
Actually, show business
is my first love.
Why don't we talk about billing
and money and details like that?
Major Healey,
I cannot appear on a...
Don't make him think
you're anxious.
Actually, uh,
she gets top billing.
We want
a fabulous publicity campaign.
"Roger Healey presents
Jeannie under the personal
management of Roger Healey."
No, it's too long. The name's
too long. We gotta change it.
Uh, Jeannie is too long?
No, Roger Healey's too long.
We'll change Jeannie too.
Oh, I see. Well...
Major, we'll work these details
out in our West Coast office.
I-I've got to go.
Jeannie,
before I leave, one question.
How in the world did you do it?
Oh, you mean, stepping
through the mirror?
Yes.
Oh, it is very simple.
I just cross my arms...
Well, actually... Actually,
it's a...
It's a phony mirror.
Incredible.
We better get outta here.
That's incredible.
[♪]
Uh, is this
the Los Angeles Times?
I would like to speak to
the entertainment editor. Mm-hm.
Uh, is this
the entertainment editor?
Uh, this is Roger Healey,
the Hollywood agent.
Heh. That's right.
I got a little scoop for you.
You wanna take this down?
Princess Armena is going to star
in the next Laugh-In show.
You don't know who she is?
You don't know who I am?
You don't know
who either one of us are?
Where have you been?
She's the biggest thing
in Baghdad.
She's the hottest thing since
Aladdin and his magic lamp.
That's right, Armena.
Be sure you get
that spelled right.
That's H-E-A-L-E-Y. Right.
Nice talking to ya.
[HUMMING]
Okay, Jeannie,
you can come out now.
[♪]
Okay, sweetie, let's go.
I have been trying
to tell you, Major Healey,
I am not going to Hollywood.
You're not going to Hollywood?
You're kid...
I discovered you.
I made you a princess.
You can't do that.
Think of it: Stardom, rich,
money, money, rich, stardom.
This is my big chance.
I mean this is your big chance.
But I do not wish to be a star,
Major Healey.
I only wish
to be with my master.
Well, there you are.
Tony's in Hollywood.
You could be with him.
But I already asked him
to take me, and he said that...
That he would have
no time for me.
Well, that's, uh, because
he takes you for granted.
I mean, if you were a big star
with Hollywood at your feet,
he would sit up and take notice.
Do you really think so?
Absolutely.
Do you want to be a...?
Do you want to be a big star
and have Tony proud of you?
Well, I...
Or do you want Tony to be alone
in Hollywood
with beautiful starlets
who are crazy about astronauts?
When do we leave?
Now.
I already made
the deal with Laugh-In.
[♪]
Yeah?
Major Anthony Nelson?
Yeah, that's right.
I'm Doug Reynolds,
Hollywood Chronicle.
Oh, yeah. Well, how'd
you know I was here?
Oh, it was in the NASA
press release.
See, I'm covering the arrival
of Princess Armena.
While waiting for her, I thought
I'd ask you a few questions
about your speaking tour.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry,
but, uh, all aspects
of Major Nelson's visit were
covered in the release.
No personal interviews.
Yeah, but...
I'm sorry,
but those are our orders.
Major Nelson.
Yes. Excuse me.
But just a few questions.
Sheesh.
[♪]
Now, major, I've marked it
all down in this little book.
The first place we're going
to see is Hollywood and Vine,
uh, Grauman's Chinese,
then Disneyland.
Sir, you go without me.
I'm not much
of a hand at sightseeing.
I have a report to do.
Major, major,
that must be the princess
that reporter talked about.
Oh?
MAN: Tell me, princess,
how long you figure
on staying in Hollywood?
I'll answer the questions.
That's Roger, R-O-G-E-R,
Healey, Healey.
Excuse me. Uh, no more,
no more, gentlemen.
All right, one more picture.
One more picture.
Get the two of us together.
How's this? You got that?
Get the picture?
All right, that's it.
We'll have a press conference
in my office a little later.
We'll go up to the hotel room
right here.
Perhaps I can take a picture.
Amanda will be thrilled.
Put that down. I only want
a picture. I can't see her.
Sir, you gave orders
not to be conspicuous.
That's strange.
That fellow there,
he looks exactly like...
Shall we go sightseeing?
Well, I thought
you weren't interested.
Tell me something, princess...
[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
And maybe... Maybe to Grauman's
Chinese. What do you say?
Oh, sir.
BELLOWS: Wait a minute!
[♪]
TONY: Uh, Roger Healey, please.
Yes.
[TONY CLEARS THROAT]
Hello, Roger? Roger?
Roger, what are you and Jeannie
doing in Hollywood?
Can't talk to you now, T.N.,
I'm in the middle
of a press conference.
Uh, who's T.N.?
And what is the press conference
all about?
T.N., big-time producer.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Look, I know
how badly you want her,
but I... I couldn't let her go
for less than a mil.
But I'll keep you in mind.
Okay.
Nice talking to you.
Roger?
Roger?!
Smile, major.
Cheese.
Uh, no more calls, doll.
Didn't I tell you?
When the princess makes
her American television debut,
we'll have to beat 'em off
with clubs.
Didn't I tell you guys?
Oh. Heh.
[♪]
Are you going over that speech
of yours, major?
Yes, sir. I'm just taking
a look at the notes.
Oh, give my very best to
Mrs. Bellows, would you, please?
Oh, thank you, major.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Good heavens, major,
what are you doing?!
I'm just checking
the light, sir.
It, uh...
It's plugged in now.
Well...
Yeah, aren't you going
in the wrong direction, major?
The Princess Armena's in there.
Oh, yeah?
Well, that's 606.
I thought it was 604.
They look so much alike.
[CHUCKLING] Yeah.
[MUTTERING]
ROGER: Who is it?
Uh, bellboy. Telegram.
Thanks.
Huh?
Roger! Roger.
Hi.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yeah, no tip, huh, major?
[WHISPERS] Jeannie?
Jeannie?
Major Nelson.
What are you doing?
[SCREAMS] Major Nelson!
Hey.
Practicing space flight, major?
[♪]
Master?
Master, I must talk with you.
[GROANS]
Oh...
Master, it is I, Jeannie.
Major Healey told me
not to talk to you,
but I miss you so much.
I could not wait.
BELLOWS:
Amanda. Amanda.
Oh, dear.
Amanda, your hand is as soft
as lily of the valley.
Jeannie.
Go back to sleep, Albert.
Alfred.
Alfred.
Yes.
Huh?
Shh.
[BOTH WHISPERING
INDISTINCTLY]
We should be quiet.
Just be calm.
[♪]
Okay.
Master.
Master.
Jeannie.
[SCREAMS] Shh.
Oh, master, I have been
so lonely without you.
You told me you would
only be gone a week
and you have been gone a long...
One day. One day.
I don't know
what you're doing here,
but I want you
back in Cocoa Beach.
MAN: Hold it!
[CAMERA CLICKS]
What a story:
"Astronaut and the Princess
Armena in Midnight Tête-à-Tête."
TONY: This is not what
you think, not at all.
Major Nelson.
[TONY CLEARS THROAT]
Yes, sir?
What's going on here?
You told me he fell
out of the window
trying to fix
the window shade, huh?
Yeah, he's been trying
to get in her room all day.
Oh, thank you, folks.
This'll make a whale
of a story, I promise you.
Major Nelson, come back
to this room immediately.
Yes.
Master, what shall I do?
You stay in your room.
I'll see you in the morning.
Major Nelson.
But, mas...
BELLOWS: Major, I'm
astounded, utterly astounded.
After I told you
we had express orders
to avoid undue publicity,
you get involved with a...
Sleepwalking?
Major, this is absurd,
absolutely absurd.
Are you trying to tell me that
you were walking in your sleep
when you just accidentally
happened to bump
into the Princess Armena?
Oh, major, wake up.
Wake up.
Oh, I don't believe this
for an instant.
This is remarkable.
[SNORING]
TONY: Sorry.
It's okay.
Excuse me.
Hey, you're Major Nelson.
Yeah. You're Judy Carne.
Right.
From the Laugh-In.
Yeah.
How about that?
And you're the astronaut.
Well, how'd you know that?
Oh, you're putting me on.
I've seen the morning paper.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, let me see.
It's really romantic.
Yeah.
Well, there was a little
misunderstanding last night.
I-I was walking in my sleep,
and this idiot photographer
came out, had to snap...
Sure, major. Sure.
You know, sock it to me.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, boy. Heh.
You know Major Healey?
You mean,
Princess Armena's manager?
Oh, sure. He's gonna let
her appear on the Laugh-In.
ROGER: The beds have
already been made up.
I know who you are.
Do you know who I am, Roge?
Huh? You know me?
You're Judy Carne.
Hi.
What's with him?
Space fatigue.
Hm.
Would you like to sit down?
Yeah.
[SIGHS]
Princess?
Oh, master.
Oh, master,
I'm so glad you came.
I did not get a chance
to tell you.
I am going to be a TV star.
You're gonna be en route
to Cocoa Beach.
Oh, but wait.
Master, I am not a TV star yet.
[SCOFFS]
Well, you know how these mad,
passionate love affairs are.
No. How are they?
Well, they can't be
separated for a moment.
Hm.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Looks like they can't bear
to be together for a moment.
Yeah, well, as I said before,
space fatigue.
Sure.
I'm sorry, Jeannie,
but your show business career
is over as of now.
[PHONE RINGING]
BELLOWS: Are you there, major?
Yes, sir. I'll get it.
Hello?
[CHUCKLING] Oh, hello, Roger.
Well, where is she?
The princess has retired
to her bottle.
Tony, you can't do this to me.
This is my one chance
to be rich and famous.
Yeah, well, good luck.
Wait a minute.
You don't understand.
I signed a contract.
If she doesn't appear,
they'll sue me.
This is my... I'll be washed up
in Hollywood.
If she does appear,
I'll be washed up...
Who is it, major?
Maid service, sir.
They wanna know
when to make up the room.
Hm. This is very interesting.
What's in it?
Uh, after-shave lotion.
I picked it up
at the drugstore downstairs.
Good. Do you mind if I try?
I'm about to shower and shave.
Well, I'd kind of rather...
Rather you didn't.
Well, tell the maid to make up
the room in 10 minutes.
Yes. Uh, make up the room
in 10 minutes.
Dr. Bellows, sir.
Doctor?
Doctor...
[WATER RUNNING, BELLOWS SINGING]
Don't... Don't use
that after-shave lotion, sir.
Dr. Bellows?
Oh.
TONY:
Dr. Bellows?
Dr. Bellows?
Sir? Uh...
I'd rather that you...
Tony, Tony, I'm on my knees.
You've got to let Jeannie
appear on that show.
I'll be washed up
in show business.
This is my only chance to be...
Roger, Roger, Roger, shut up.
All right.
All right?
If you can get her out
of the bathroom, she's yours.
She's mine? Oh, I knew
you wouldn't let me down.
You're a friend.
Stop it.
[BELLOWS CONTINUES SINGING]
Who's that?
That's Dr. Bellows.
Dr. Bellows is
in the bathroom?
With Jeannie.
Dr. Bellows is
in the bathroom with Jeannie?
He thinks she's a bottle
of after-shave lotion.
Oh, I need a drink.
Oh, do I need a drink.
Oh, I'm sorr...
Roger.
[BELLOWS SINGING]
[♪]
Oh, master, let me out.
[WATER STOPS RUNNING]
He's finished showering.
He's gonna shave.
Look, Tony, we've been
together a long time,
and I want
to tell you one thing:
That when he opens up
that bottle...
I know. You're gonna be
standing right beside me.
Wrong. I am going
to be on a plane
halfway to Cocoa Beach.
All right,
if you're gonna go, go.
I got enough troubles
without you hanging around
and confusing the issue.
I don't know where they went.
I believe you.
I haven't seen anybody.
Hey, that's him.
That's her manager.
[YELLING]
What's holding you up?
We're double-parked.
Art... Arte Johnson.
You're Arte Johnson.
Yeah.
Arte Johnson.
Yes.
That's Arte Johnson.
That's Arte Johnson, yes.
Arte Johnson and Judy Carne.
Uh, yes. Uh, major,
this is Arte Johnson.
Major Nelson, you know
Judy Carne, of course.
Hi.
Uh, major, we realize
that you and the princess
are a hot item,
but we have no time.
We've gotta be there
in half an hour.
You mean, the princess
was over here?
In the major's room?
[IN GERMAN ACCENT]
Very interesting.
Where is she?
Oh, she's in freshening up.
Something probably happened.
BELLOWS:
I'm almost finished, major.
I'll say something happened.
Well, there goes
the electric razor.
Armena shaves?
Why not? She has a face.
Uh, Dr. Bellows?
[RAZOR BUZZING]
[COUGHS]
Why don't the three of you
go over to the studio,
I'll bring her along later?
And miss her entrance?
I wouldn't miss
that for the world.
BELLOWS: Major Nelson,
what's the meaning of this?!
[COUGHING]
Major Nelson, you call
this after-shave lotion?
I don't know, sir.
What do you call it?
BELLOWS:
Oh, it smells like skunk.
Must be something wrong
in the factory.
Air. Air!
I must have a breath of air.
When I get you back to...
[YELLS]
Oh, oh.
[YELLING]
BELLOWS: Major, what on
earth are you doing?!
Huh?
Major, what happened?
You really socked it to him.
Yeah.
Major, who are these people?
Oh, I-I... Are you registered
in the hotel?
You're in the wrong room.
I'm Dr. Bellows.
Great heavens!
I'm not dressed.
I thought we did
far-out things
on Laugh-In,
but this is too much.
Hey, where's the princess?
We're gonna be late
for the show.
Well, I have it
on very good authority
that she's not gonna
do the show.
GARY: Not gonna do the show?
JUDY: She has to do the show.
ARTE: Her agent
signed a contract.
Yeah, I know.
But she told me
that she's retiring
from show business.
Well, she's making a comeback.
Roger! Roger!
Roger! Roger!
[♪]
ALL:
Confusing.
[IN GERMAN ACCENT]
But very interesting.
[YELLS]
Roger!
Come back here, Roger!
[YELLS]
[♪]