I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 4, Episode 1 - U.F.Oh Jeannie - full transcript
Landing in a flying saucer spacecraft, Tony and Roger are captured by hillbillies who think that they are martians.
[♪]
Ground Control, Jet Plate 1.
The aircraft's
handling very well.
Circular thrust is okay,
but it's not up
to what I expected.
The engineers
have to correct that.
All right, we're going to try
the vertical descent now
to check out
the landing position.
Will confirm as soon
as we're airborne again.
Jet Plate 1 over and out.
The interior cabin weight
has increased by 109 pounds.
I won...
I wonder what that means.
Huh?
Let me check it out.
[CRIES OUT]
It means your scale is wrong,
Major Healey.
I have never weighed
more than 107 pounds
in my entire life.
Jeannie,
what are you doing here?
This is a top secret flight.
I know, master, and you must
keep up your strength.
I brought your lunch.
[CHUCKLES]
Would you please, Jeannie. Out.
It's peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches.
Yeah, I don't care what it is.
This is really important.
Now, you... Wait...
Wait... Wait a minute!
What flavor jelly?
Roger, stop that.
And you too, come on, get out.
Go on.
Yeah.
Boy. Oh, boy,
you were kind of tough on her.
She was only thinking of us.
Roger, when we get back to base
I will personally buy you
a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.
What flavor jelly?
Let's take her down, hm?
Hey, wait a minute.
This doesn't look like
our touchdown point.
Huh?
You're right.
Jeannie's weight must have
thrown us off course.
Let me check that.
All right, you take her down.
I'll handle this.
Aye, aye, sir.
Here we go.
All right.
[WHIRRING]
[CRUNCHING]
Beautiful, Roge.
She handles like a dream.
Okay. Go.
[♪]
[GUNS COCKING]
All right, you Martians,
up with your hands.
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
Martians?
Well, that's ridiculous.
We're not Martians.
Eh!
Didn't expect you'd say you was,
even if-in you are.
Paw, they're funnier looking
than I thought they'd be.
Martians?
It's the flight suits, Roger.
Take off the flight suits.
Here, unzip...
I'm not taking my flight suit
off in front of that girl.
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
ROGER:
Wait a minute.
Hey, lookit, Paw,
they're shedding their skin.
Well, I'll be.
Sam hill.
Um...
Well, see?
[GUN COCKS] Back, critters.
Unless you want
more holes in you
than a gopher field.
Oh, look, ma'am,
I-I think you made a mistake.
Um, I'm Major Anthony Nelson
and this is Major Roger Healey.
Eh, we're from Cocoa Beach.
Uh, uh, NASA.
Uh, we're astronauts.
What's an asternort, Paw?
I don't rightly know.
I reckon some
special kind of Martian.
This one's kind of cute, Paw.
Can I keep him?
You get back here, girl.
You wanna get yourself
corn-taminated?
You don't think they're
gonna shoot us, do you?
No, of course not, Roger.
They're just simple
country folk, Roger.
They're frightened.
I'll talk to 'em
in their own language.
Yeah. Good.
Uh, now looky here, folks.
There ain't nothing
to rightly be feared...
How do you say "help"
in hillbilly?
"Help."
Help! Help!
Help! Help!
Help! Help! Help!
Help! Help! Help!
What are you gonna
do with them, Paw?
Well, I don't rightly know,
Daisy Lou.
First thing we gonna do
is move 'em over to the house.
Okay, Martians, get moving.
What...? What's the second thing
you're gonna do?
Well, now, that's the part
I ain't decided on yet.
I reckon we'll either
shoot you or hang you.
Git! Git!
[♪]
[♪]
Master.
Major Healey.
[SINGING IN FOREIGN DIALECT]
[SINGING IN FOREIGN DIALECT]
Hello. Have you seen
two astronauts?
Aw, yep, uh... Paw's got 'em
back to the house.
Oh, dear,
I hope they aren't having lunch.
I don't reckon they are.
Hey, are you, uh...?
Are you an asternort too?
[LAUGHS] Oh, no.
I am a genie.
Oh, I'm right pleased
to meet you, Miss Jeannie.
My name's Clem.
How do you do, Mr. Clem?
You're purty.
Quick too.
I would like to see
the two astronauts, please.
If'n I let you see 'em,
then will you give me a kiss?
No, Mr. Clem,
but I will give you
a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.
Okay, okay, just put that thing
down, will you?
PAW: Get in there.
I don't want any nonsense
outta you two.
You made your mind up yet, Paw?
Yeah, are you
gonna hang 'em or shoot 'em?
How many times do I tell you?
I'm not a Martian.
I-I was brought up in a farm.
I know all about barns, I...
Hang 'em!
[♪]
Why are you doing that,
Mr. Clem?
You were going to take me
to see the two astronauts.
Oh, well, I aim to,
uh, Miss Jeannie.
I aim to, you see.
But, um, us mountain folks
has, uh,
our own special way
of doing things,
and, uh, well,
it wouldn't be fitting
for me to take you over
to see them fellas
without I first showed you some
old-fashioned
mountain hospitality.
Is that what you
were doing with them?
Oh, we sure are.
Heh, heh.
Well, all right.
I...
I do not wish to be impolite.
[PHONOGRAPH PLAYING BANJO MUSIC]
But... But can you show me
this hospitality quickly?
Miss Jeannie,
I aim to be quicker
than spit on the griddle.
[CRIES OUT]
Is this what you call
hospitality?
Why, sure.
How about a little old-fashioned
mountain-style bear hug?
[SCREAMS]
[ROARS]
Miss Jeannie! Miss Jeannie!
Wait a minute.
Now, that's not what I meant.
I meant something
entirely different.
There.
Reckon that ought to keep
you Martians
from trying
any more funny stuff.
What can we do to convince you
we're not Martians?
Could they be telling
the truth, Paw?
Well, I reckon not,
but there ain't no
real way of telling.
Say, that gives me an idea.
Do Martians have blood?
Of course not, Maw.
Everybody knows Martians
ain't got no blood.
And if'n they do, it's green.
Well, then, all we got to do
is poke 'em a little with this,
and if they bleed red,
they ain't Martian.
I'm a Martian, I'm a Martian.
Martian. Martian.
There, you see, Paw? We got us
a corn-fession. Heh-heh.
Now, all you got to do is decide
whether you wanna hang 'em, or...
Or shoot 'em.
Will you stop ogling him,
Daisy Lou?
But he's cute, Maw.
I'm gonna give you cute
right up alongside your head.
We ain't having no mixed
marriages in our family.
I say we should shoot 'em
and be done with it.
[♪]
I reckon you're right, Maw.
Oh, Paw, don't shoot 'em.
Can't we keep 'em as pets?
I bet they'd pull
a real good plow.
Daisy Lou, they is strangers.
And strangers mean trouble.
What if somebody
was to find out about 'em?
They tell the government,
the government
tell the revenuers,
the revenuers come poking
around here and find our still.
Your Paw's right, Daisy Lou.
The only thing to do
is shoot 'em.
Uh, ma'am, could I speak
to you a moment, please?
Uh, I-I think I have a solution.
So have we.
Uh, but I think I can convince
you that we're not Martians.
Oh, you can?
Uh-huh.
Now, if you'll just call
Cocoa Beach.
You call NASA at Cocoa Beach.
They'll be able
to explain who we are.
Can't do that, son.
And why not?
'Cause we ain't got a telephone.
[ALL LAUGH]
[CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah.
Ain't got a telephone.
Somebody must have a telephone
around here.
Isn't there a town nearby?
We could go to Hankerville, Paw.
Yeah, reckon we could.
Say, um, uh, what's
this fellow, "NASA"?
Oh, it's not a fella, sir.
It's the National Aeronautics
and Space Agency.
The who?
Oh, um, the government.
Paw, you're right. Revenuers!
Wait, put the down the gun.
TONY: Forget it, Roge.
Forget it?
They're gonna shoot us!
No, no, they just probably
don't want the reward.
Maw.
Reward? What reward?
Um, the United States government
would be very grateful
if you captured two Martians.
There would be a big reward.
Right?
[♪]
Let's go to Hankerville.
We'll send Clem to Hankerville.
Remember: NASA.
Uh, Cocoa Beach.
Ask for Dr. Bellows!
Oh, don't ask for Dr. Bellows.
Forget... Forget Dr. Bellows.
I sure don't know how you
done this, Miss Jeannie,
but I'd sure appreciate it
if'n you'd let me down.
Well, I would be happy to,
Mr. Clem.
But first you must promise
not to chase me anymore.
Oh, I will. I do. I surely do.
And then you must promise to
take me to see
the two astronauts.
I will, I will.
Just as soon as you
let me down from here.
Very well.
[♪]
[SHRIEKS]
Mr. Clem, you promised.
I know I did, Miss Jeannie,
but I'm a terrible liar.
Paw whups me for it
all the time.
I just can't help it.
I just keep on lying.
Ah-haw!
What?
Clem, you get down from there.
Well,
I don't rightly know how, Maw.
She done it to me.
PAW:
I might have noticed.
Another Martian, but female.
I would like to see
the two astronauts, please.
You watch out for her, Paw.
She's got powers.
Uh, well, why...
Why surely, ma'am.
Uh, you just follow me.
Oh. Um...
Could you get him
down from there?
'Cause he's gonna go
to Hankerville.
JEANNIE:
Very well.
[GIGGLES]
You tell him what to do, Maw.
Now, uh, ma'am,
them other two Martians
is out in the barn,
so right this way.
Hey, that was a great idea
about the reward.
I wonder how far it is from here
to Hankerville?
I don't know,
but here they come.
[♪]
Oh, master,
what have they done to you?
Would you please just
blink us outta here.
Oh, yes, master. At once.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Hey, that's real neat.
Sure saves us the trouble. Heh.
Clem's on his way, Paw.
Say, you done her
pretty good, Paw.
I've been thinkin'.
Them rewards you get
for capturing people.
They say "dead or alive,"
don't they?
They sure do.
Uh-huh.
[♪]
[♪]
Yes. Yes, well,
thank you, colonel.
Nothing yet on Major Nelson
and Major Healey, sir.
They were supposed to land
and then confirm once they
were airborne again.
It's, uh, been three hours.
Well, the radar lost them
as soon as they started down.
They could be anywhere
within a radius of 200 miles.
Well, according to...
[PHONE BUZZES]
Oh, I'll get it.
Dr. Bellows speaking.
Uh, yes. Just a moment.
For you, sir.
General Peterson.
Yes.
Henderson, I haven't got time
to fool around any kind
of nonsense like that.
I've an experimental ship
with two astronauts down, and...
Yes.
Yes, I know.
All right.
I'll send somebody up there.
Major Nelson, Major Healey?
Martians.
I beg your pardon?
All those blasted UFO sightings.
Every time some darn fool
sees a sunspot or a balloon,
they think we're being invaded.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Perhaps Jet Plate 1.
It looks like a flying saucer.
That thought crossed my mind.
However, this time the report
says the Martians
have been captured.
Three of 'em. One a female.
Well, that crosses out
Major Nelson and Major Healey.
Nevertheless, space headquarters
wants the invaders
questioned and investigated.
Now, would you mind
hopping up there, Dr. Bellows?
[♪]
Yes, sir.
Jeannie, would you wake up?
Would you please wake up?
Oh!
Uh-oh.
You woke up the wrong girl.
Shoot.
Hi.
Hey, Martian.
How come you don't cotton to me?
I sure cotton to you.
You hear that?
She cottons to me.
What a time to be irresistible.
Roger, control yourself,
will ya?
Just control yourself.
I know how unbearably
beautiful you find her,
but remember, you're a Martian.
She's...
She's an earthling.
It won't work.
What are you talking about?
I know, I know, I know.
The heartbreak, the pain.
The heartbreak and pain
is hanging from this hook...
Roger!
You see, miss, us Martians,
we don't show our feelings
like most folks do.
But Roger here, well,
he's just...
He's just plumb crazy about you.
Oh, he is?
Sure he is.
Ain't you, Roge?
Ain't you?
Oh, yeah. Oh, me? Boy.
Oh, I'm plumb crazy about you,
ma'am. Right. Oh, yeah.
Here's what he'd really like
to be doing with you now:
Is holding you in his arms
and crushing you
and tell you
how beautiful you are.
Yeah, I'd like to hold you
and crush you and beautiful...
Yeah. The thing is, you
with that gun down there
and us hanging up here,
well, c'est la vie.
What's that mean?
In Martian that means
he loves you.
Yeah.
Oh. Well, c'est la vie.
C'est la vie.
C'est la doggone vie.
Oh, yeah. Mmm. Oh!
[MUFFLED MOANING]
Wake up. Wake up.
Would you just please
wake up, Jeannie.
[GRUNTS]
Jeannie, please wake up.
Please, come one. Come on, baby.
Okay, put her down over here.
Over here.
[GROANS]
Water.
I think she's coming to.
Water.
Jeannie, if you just wake up
you could blink yourself
Lake Michigan.
There's a bucket over here.
Oh! It's got water in it.
Water.
There you go.
[♪]
[MOONSHINE BUBBLING]
[WEEPING]
He said he was plumb crazy
for me.
He even said he
c'est la vied me.
He didn't.
Yes, and then he...
[SOBS]
Aw, hush up, Daisy Lou.
Hush up, will ya?
You reckon we gotta
revenge her, Maw?
I reckon we do, Paw.
If'n we don't, we can't hold up
our heads in polite society.
Well, uh, how about the reward?
Dead or alive, Paw.
Dead or alive.
Uh-huh.
Come on, gal.
[♪]
Come on, Jeannie, we gotta
get back to the jet plate.
More.
Come on, that's enough.
Ahem.
Ah, thank you, Master.
[HICCUPS]
Wait a minute.
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
[GASPS]
That's moonshine.
Great, just what we need:
A stoned genie.
Jeannie.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
[HICCUPS]
[GIGGLES]
Oh!
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Tag!
Agh!
You are it, master.
Catch me, catch me.
Oh, tag.
Yeah.
All right, Jeannie.
Oh, ooh, oh!
[GUN COCKS]
Come on. Come on, Jeannie!
Will you stop that?
Do you happen to know
what this stuff is?
Very good, master.
I am it. I will catch you.
Good idea.
[CRIES OUT]
Roger!
Roger.
Come on.
Olly, olly oxen free-free-free.
Oh, that is not fair, master...
[GUNSHOT]
[YELLS]
[LAUGHING]
Jeannie, just one blink
to the jet plate.
[GUNSHOT]
[YELLS]
Please, just one blink.
[GUNSHOT]
[YELLS]
Oh, now we're really up a tree.
If that is your pleasure.
[GIGGLES]
How's this?
Oh, great.
Where'd they go?
There they are.
[GUNSHOT]
[YELLS]
Now we're really sitting ducks.
Certainly.
[QUACKING]
Roge, you've got
feathers and wings.
So have you.
You wanna fly south
for the winter?
[GIGGLES]
[YELLING]
[GIGGLING]
Darndest thing I ever seen.
Ah, what'd you expect, Paw?
It's just your average,
everyday Martian.
Jeannie, blink us
to the jet plate right now.
The jet plate, the ship,
the airplane, the round thing.
Well, certainly.
Why did you not say so before?
I did say so before.
Ah!
We're here. We're safe.
Well, thank you, Jeannie,
thank you.
Oh, I've never been so happy
to be anyplace in my whole life.
All right. Let's get outta
this nightmare. Come on.
[GIGGLING] Are we not
gonna play tag anymore?
Oh, what have you done now?!
Jeannie, are you all right?
Let me check that.
It's all right, Roger,
it's just the capacitor.
It'll take a minute to fix.
For the last time,
that is not a flying saucer.
It's a jet plate.
An experimental aircraft
constructed by
the United States Air Force.
BELLOWS: Please, please, will
you take me to the astronauts.
It's Dr. Bellows, all right.
Oh, Jeannie, come on.
We need you. Wake up.
She must be out
for the duration.
Dr. Bellows must be worried
about us.
We'll go out
and show him we're okay,
and then try to keep
those people
from thinking we're Martians.
You are Martians. Yes, master.
[MAGIC BOINGS]
If they ain't Martians,
do we still get a reward?
If'n they ain't Martians, Paw,
can I marry the cute one?
You'll wait till you're 14
like your sister done.
Please, please,
just take me to them.
Not till you give us the reward.
My dear sir,
I appreciate you informing NASA
of the whereabouts
of the jet plate,
but it seems to me that any
public-spirited citizen
should be only too willing...
[GASPS]
Great heavens.
Martians.
I've gotta get back to...
I've got to...
NASA Invaded.
Hey, wait.
Wait a minute.
Hey, mister.
Hey. Hey, mister.
Wait a minute.
These here
are not the same ones.
No, they's different.
[GUNSHOTS] Hey, wait a minute.
You can't shoot at Dr. Bellows.
He's a psychiatrist.
[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
He's right. We're Martians.
Here, here. Get 'em, get 'em.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[♪]
General, I don't understand.
This whole base
should be on red alert.
The president
should have been notified.
Look. Look at this hat.
Now just calm down, colonel.
Nobody's gonna hurt you.
But, sir,
I know it sounds crazy,
but it's true: I saw them.
Green... Green men with, uh:
[STAMMERS]
Antennae, colonel?
That's right, sir, antennae.
They must have taken over
the jet plate.
Well, there's the jet plate
right now, doctor.
BELLOWS: The gall of them,
to come right here to NASA.
[JET PLATE ENGINES WHIRRING]
Oh, no.
They might have vaporizers.
We'll chance it, doctor. Go on!
You'll see.
You'll see.
Hello.
Hello in...
Hello in there.
[SPEAKING SLOWLY]
Uh, we are earthlings.
We like you.
Oh, that's very kind of you,
sir. We like you too.
Well, doctor?
[SPEAKING NORMALLY] Well, I... I
tell you, sir, I saw Martians.
They were green with these
long antennae. I saw them.
[♪]
[♪]
Ground Control, Jet Plate 1.
The aircraft's
handling very well.
Circular thrust is okay,
but it's not up
to what I expected.
The engineers
have to correct that.
All right, we're going to try
the vertical descent now
to check out
the landing position.
Will confirm as soon
as we're airborne again.
Jet Plate 1 over and out.
The interior cabin weight
has increased by 109 pounds.
I won...
I wonder what that means.
Huh?
Let me check it out.
[CRIES OUT]
It means your scale is wrong,
Major Healey.
I have never weighed
more than 107 pounds
in my entire life.
Jeannie,
what are you doing here?
This is a top secret flight.
I know, master, and you must
keep up your strength.
I brought your lunch.
[CHUCKLES]
Would you please, Jeannie. Out.
It's peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches.
Yeah, I don't care what it is.
This is really important.
Now, you... Wait...
Wait... Wait a minute!
What flavor jelly?
Roger, stop that.
And you too, come on, get out.
Go on.
Yeah.
Boy. Oh, boy,
you were kind of tough on her.
She was only thinking of us.
Roger, when we get back to base
I will personally buy you
a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.
What flavor jelly?
Let's take her down, hm?
Hey, wait a minute.
This doesn't look like
our touchdown point.
Huh?
You're right.
Jeannie's weight must have
thrown us off course.
Let me check that.
All right, you take her down.
I'll handle this.
Aye, aye, sir.
Here we go.
All right.
[WHIRRING]
[CRUNCHING]
Beautiful, Roge.
She handles like a dream.
Okay. Go.
[♪]
[GUNS COCKING]
All right, you Martians,
up with your hands.
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
Martians?
Well, that's ridiculous.
We're not Martians.
Eh!
Didn't expect you'd say you was,
even if-in you are.
Paw, they're funnier looking
than I thought they'd be.
Martians?
It's the flight suits, Roger.
Take off the flight suits.
Here, unzip...
I'm not taking my flight suit
off in front of that girl.
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
ROGER:
Wait a minute.
Hey, lookit, Paw,
they're shedding their skin.
Well, I'll be.
Sam hill.
Um...
Well, see?
[GUN COCKS] Back, critters.
Unless you want
more holes in you
than a gopher field.
Oh, look, ma'am,
I-I think you made a mistake.
Um, I'm Major Anthony Nelson
and this is Major Roger Healey.
Eh, we're from Cocoa Beach.
Uh, uh, NASA.
Uh, we're astronauts.
What's an asternort, Paw?
I don't rightly know.
I reckon some
special kind of Martian.
This one's kind of cute, Paw.
Can I keep him?
You get back here, girl.
You wanna get yourself
corn-taminated?
You don't think they're
gonna shoot us, do you?
No, of course not, Roger.
They're just simple
country folk, Roger.
They're frightened.
I'll talk to 'em
in their own language.
Yeah. Good.
Uh, now looky here, folks.
There ain't nothing
to rightly be feared...
How do you say "help"
in hillbilly?
"Help."
Help! Help!
Help! Help!
Help! Help! Help!
Help! Help! Help!
What are you gonna
do with them, Paw?
Well, I don't rightly know,
Daisy Lou.
First thing we gonna do
is move 'em over to the house.
Okay, Martians, get moving.
What...? What's the second thing
you're gonna do?
Well, now, that's the part
I ain't decided on yet.
I reckon we'll either
shoot you or hang you.
Git! Git!
[♪]
[♪]
Master.
Major Healey.
[SINGING IN FOREIGN DIALECT]
[SINGING IN FOREIGN DIALECT]
Hello. Have you seen
two astronauts?
Aw, yep, uh... Paw's got 'em
back to the house.
Oh, dear,
I hope they aren't having lunch.
I don't reckon they are.
Hey, are you, uh...?
Are you an asternort too?
[LAUGHS] Oh, no.
I am a genie.
Oh, I'm right pleased
to meet you, Miss Jeannie.
My name's Clem.
How do you do, Mr. Clem?
You're purty.
Quick too.
I would like to see
the two astronauts, please.
If'n I let you see 'em,
then will you give me a kiss?
No, Mr. Clem,
but I will give you
a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.
Okay, okay, just put that thing
down, will you?
PAW: Get in there.
I don't want any nonsense
outta you two.
You made your mind up yet, Paw?
Yeah, are you
gonna hang 'em or shoot 'em?
How many times do I tell you?
I'm not a Martian.
I-I was brought up in a farm.
I know all about barns, I...
Hang 'em!
[♪]
Why are you doing that,
Mr. Clem?
You were going to take me
to see the two astronauts.
Oh, well, I aim to,
uh, Miss Jeannie.
I aim to, you see.
But, um, us mountain folks
has, uh,
our own special way
of doing things,
and, uh, well,
it wouldn't be fitting
for me to take you over
to see them fellas
without I first showed you some
old-fashioned
mountain hospitality.
Is that what you
were doing with them?
Oh, we sure are.
Heh, heh.
Well, all right.
I...
I do not wish to be impolite.
[PHONOGRAPH PLAYING BANJO MUSIC]
But... But can you show me
this hospitality quickly?
Miss Jeannie,
I aim to be quicker
than spit on the griddle.
[CRIES OUT]
Is this what you call
hospitality?
Why, sure.
How about a little old-fashioned
mountain-style bear hug?
[SCREAMS]
[ROARS]
Miss Jeannie! Miss Jeannie!
Wait a minute.
Now, that's not what I meant.
I meant something
entirely different.
There.
Reckon that ought to keep
you Martians
from trying
any more funny stuff.
What can we do to convince you
we're not Martians?
Could they be telling
the truth, Paw?
Well, I reckon not,
but there ain't no
real way of telling.
Say, that gives me an idea.
Do Martians have blood?
Of course not, Maw.
Everybody knows Martians
ain't got no blood.
And if'n they do, it's green.
Well, then, all we got to do
is poke 'em a little with this,
and if they bleed red,
they ain't Martian.
I'm a Martian, I'm a Martian.
Martian. Martian.
There, you see, Paw? We got us
a corn-fession. Heh-heh.
Now, all you got to do is decide
whether you wanna hang 'em, or...
Or shoot 'em.
Will you stop ogling him,
Daisy Lou?
But he's cute, Maw.
I'm gonna give you cute
right up alongside your head.
We ain't having no mixed
marriages in our family.
I say we should shoot 'em
and be done with it.
[♪]
I reckon you're right, Maw.
Oh, Paw, don't shoot 'em.
Can't we keep 'em as pets?
I bet they'd pull
a real good plow.
Daisy Lou, they is strangers.
And strangers mean trouble.
What if somebody
was to find out about 'em?
They tell the government,
the government
tell the revenuers,
the revenuers come poking
around here and find our still.
Your Paw's right, Daisy Lou.
The only thing to do
is shoot 'em.
Uh, ma'am, could I speak
to you a moment, please?
Uh, I-I think I have a solution.
So have we.
Uh, but I think I can convince
you that we're not Martians.
Oh, you can?
Uh-huh.
Now, if you'll just call
Cocoa Beach.
You call NASA at Cocoa Beach.
They'll be able
to explain who we are.
Can't do that, son.
And why not?
'Cause we ain't got a telephone.
[ALL LAUGH]
[CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah.
Ain't got a telephone.
Somebody must have a telephone
around here.
Isn't there a town nearby?
We could go to Hankerville, Paw.
Yeah, reckon we could.
Say, um, uh, what's
this fellow, "NASA"?
Oh, it's not a fella, sir.
It's the National Aeronautics
and Space Agency.
The who?
Oh, um, the government.
Paw, you're right. Revenuers!
Wait, put the down the gun.
TONY: Forget it, Roge.
Forget it?
They're gonna shoot us!
No, no, they just probably
don't want the reward.
Maw.
Reward? What reward?
Um, the United States government
would be very grateful
if you captured two Martians.
There would be a big reward.
Right?
[♪]
Let's go to Hankerville.
We'll send Clem to Hankerville.
Remember: NASA.
Uh, Cocoa Beach.
Ask for Dr. Bellows!
Oh, don't ask for Dr. Bellows.
Forget... Forget Dr. Bellows.
I sure don't know how you
done this, Miss Jeannie,
but I'd sure appreciate it
if'n you'd let me down.
Well, I would be happy to,
Mr. Clem.
But first you must promise
not to chase me anymore.
Oh, I will. I do. I surely do.
And then you must promise to
take me to see
the two astronauts.
I will, I will.
Just as soon as you
let me down from here.
Very well.
[♪]
[SHRIEKS]
Mr. Clem, you promised.
I know I did, Miss Jeannie,
but I'm a terrible liar.
Paw whups me for it
all the time.
I just can't help it.
I just keep on lying.
Ah-haw!
What?
Clem, you get down from there.
Well,
I don't rightly know how, Maw.
She done it to me.
PAW:
I might have noticed.
Another Martian, but female.
I would like to see
the two astronauts, please.
You watch out for her, Paw.
She's got powers.
Uh, well, why...
Why surely, ma'am.
Uh, you just follow me.
Oh. Um...
Could you get him
down from there?
'Cause he's gonna go
to Hankerville.
JEANNIE:
Very well.
[GIGGLES]
You tell him what to do, Maw.
Now, uh, ma'am,
them other two Martians
is out in the barn,
so right this way.
Hey, that was a great idea
about the reward.
I wonder how far it is from here
to Hankerville?
I don't know,
but here they come.
[♪]
Oh, master,
what have they done to you?
Would you please just
blink us outta here.
Oh, yes, master. At once.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Hey, that's real neat.
Sure saves us the trouble. Heh.
Clem's on his way, Paw.
Say, you done her
pretty good, Paw.
I've been thinkin'.
Them rewards you get
for capturing people.
They say "dead or alive,"
don't they?
They sure do.
Uh-huh.
[♪]
[♪]
Yes. Yes, well,
thank you, colonel.
Nothing yet on Major Nelson
and Major Healey, sir.
They were supposed to land
and then confirm once they
were airborne again.
It's, uh, been three hours.
Well, the radar lost them
as soon as they started down.
They could be anywhere
within a radius of 200 miles.
Well, according to...
[PHONE BUZZES]
Oh, I'll get it.
Dr. Bellows speaking.
Uh, yes. Just a moment.
For you, sir.
General Peterson.
Yes.
Henderson, I haven't got time
to fool around any kind
of nonsense like that.
I've an experimental ship
with two astronauts down, and...
Yes.
Yes, I know.
All right.
I'll send somebody up there.
Major Nelson, Major Healey?
Martians.
I beg your pardon?
All those blasted UFO sightings.
Every time some darn fool
sees a sunspot or a balloon,
they think we're being invaded.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Perhaps Jet Plate 1.
It looks like a flying saucer.
That thought crossed my mind.
However, this time the report
says the Martians
have been captured.
Three of 'em. One a female.
Well, that crosses out
Major Nelson and Major Healey.
Nevertheless, space headquarters
wants the invaders
questioned and investigated.
Now, would you mind
hopping up there, Dr. Bellows?
[♪]
Yes, sir.
Jeannie, would you wake up?
Would you please wake up?
Oh!
Uh-oh.
You woke up the wrong girl.
Shoot.
Hi.
Hey, Martian.
How come you don't cotton to me?
I sure cotton to you.
You hear that?
She cottons to me.
What a time to be irresistible.
Roger, control yourself,
will ya?
Just control yourself.
I know how unbearably
beautiful you find her,
but remember, you're a Martian.
She's...
She's an earthling.
It won't work.
What are you talking about?
I know, I know, I know.
The heartbreak, the pain.
The heartbreak and pain
is hanging from this hook...
Roger!
You see, miss, us Martians,
we don't show our feelings
like most folks do.
But Roger here, well,
he's just...
He's just plumb crazy about you.
Oh, he is?
Sure he is.
Ain't you, Roge?
Ain't you?
Oh, yeah. Oh, me? Boy.
Oh, I'm plumb crazy about you,
ma'am. Right. Oh, yeah.
Here's what he'd really like
to be doing with you now:
Is holding you in his arms
and crushing you
and tell you
how beautiful you are.
Yeah, I'd like to hold you
and crush you and beautiful...
Yeah. The thing is, you
with that gun down there
and us hanging up here,
well, c'est la vie.
What's that mean?
In Martian that means
he loves you.
Yeah.
Oh. Well, c'est la vie.
C'est la vie.
C'est la doggone vie.
Oh, yeah. Mmm. Oh!
[MUFFLED MOANING]
Wake up. Wake up.
Would you just please
wake up, Jeannie.
[GRUNTS]
Jeannie, please wake up.
Please, come one. Come on, baby.
Okay, put her down over here.
Over here.
[GROANS]
Water.
I think she's coming to.
Water.
Jeannie, if you just wake up
you could blink yourself
Lake Michigan.
There's a bucket over here.
Oh! It's got water in it.
Water.
There you go.
[♪]
[MOONSHINE BUBBLING]
[WEEPING]
He said he was plumb crazy
for me.
He even said he
c'est la vied me.
He didn't.
Yes, and then he...
[SOBS]
Aw, hush up, Daisy Lou.
Hush up, will ya?
You reckon we gotta
revenge her, Maw?
I reckon we do, Paw.
If'n we don't, we can't hold up
our heads in polite society.
Well, uh, how about the reward?
Dead or alive, Paw.
Dead or alive.
Uh-huh.
Come on, gal.
[♪]
Come on, Jeannie, we gotta
get back to the jet plate.
More.
Come on, that's enough.
Ahem.
Ah, thank you, Master.
[HICCUPS]
Wait a minute.
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
[GASPS]
That's moonshine.
Great, just what we need:
A stoned genie.
Jeannie.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
[HICCUPS]
[GIGGLES]
Oh!
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Tag!
Agh!
You are it, master.
Catch me, catch me.
Oh, tag.
Yeah.
All right, Jeannie.
Oh, ooh, oh!
[GUN COCKS]
Come on. Come on, Jeannie!
Will you stop that?
Do you happen to know
what this stuff is?
Very good, master.
I am it. I will catch you.
Good idea.
[CRIES OUT]
Roger!
Roger.
Come on.
Olly, olly oxen free-free-free.
Oh, that is not fair, master...
[GUNSHOT]
[YELLS]
[LAUGHING]
Jeannie, just one blink
to the jet plate.
[GUNSHOT]
[YELLS]
Please, just one blink.
[GUNSHOT]
[YELLS]
Oh, now we're really up a tree.
If that is your pleasure.
[GIGGLES]
How's this?
Oh, great.
Where'd they go?
There they are.
[GUNSHOT]
[YELLS]
Now we're really sitting ducks.
Certainly.
[QUACKING]
Roge, you've got
feathers and wings.
So have you.
You wanna fly south
for the winter?
[GIGGLES]
[YELLING]
[GIGGLING]
Darndest thing I ever seen.
Ah, what'd you expect, Paw?
It's just your average,
everyday Martian.
Jeannie, blink us
to the jet plate right now.
The jet plate, the ship,
the airplane, the round thing.
Well, certainly.
Why did you not say so before?
I did say so before.
Ah!
We're here. We're safe.
Well, thank you, Jeannie,
thank you.
Oh, I've never been so happy
to be anyplace in my whole life.
All right. Let's get outta
this nightmare. Come on.
[GIGGLING] Are we not
gonna play tag anymore?
Oh, what have you done now?!
Jeannie, are you all right?
Let me check that.
It's all right, Roger,
it's just the capacitor.
It'll take a minute to fix.
For the last time,
that is not a flying saucer.
It's a jet plate.
An experimental aircraft
constructed by
the United States Air Force.
BELLOWS: Please, please, will
you take me to the astronauts.
It's Dr. Bellows, all right.
Oh, Jeannie, come on.
We need you. Wake up.
She must be out
for the duration.
Dr. Bellows must be worried
about us.
We'll go out
and show him we're okay,
and then try to keep
those people
from thinking we're Martians.
You are Martians. Yes, master.
[MAGIC BOINGS]
If they ain't Martians,
do we still get a reward?
If'n they ain't Martians, Paw,
can I marry the cute one?
You'll wait till you're 14
like your sister done.
Please, please,
just take me to them.
Not till you give us the reward.
My dear sir,
I appreciate you informing NASA
of the whereabouts
of the jet plate,
but it seems to me that any
public-spirited citizen
should be only too willing...
[GASPS]
Great heavens.
Martians.
I've gotta get back to...
I've got to...
NASA Invaded.
Hey, wait.
Wait a minute.
Hey, mister.
Hey. Hey, mister.
Wait a minute.
These here
are not the same ones.
No, they's different.
[GUNSHOTS] Hey, wait a minute.
You can't shoot at Dr. Bellows.
He's a psychiatrist.
[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
He's right. We're Martians.
Here, here. Get 'em, get 'em.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[♪]
General, I don't understand.
This whole base
should be on red alert.
The president
should have been notified.
Look. Look at this hat.
Now just calm down, colonel.
Nobody's gonna hurt you.
But, sir,
I know it sounds crazy,
but it's true: I saw them.
Green... Green men with, uh:
[STAMMERS]
Antennae, colonel?
That's right, sir, antennae.
They must have taken over
the jet plate.
Well, there's the jet plate
right now, doctor.
BELLOWS: The gall of them,
to come right here to NASA.
[JET PLATE ENGINES WHIRRING]
Oh, no.
They might have vaporizers.
We'll chance it, doctor. Go on!
You'll see.
You'll see.
Hello.
Hello in...
Hello in there.
[SPEAKING SLOWLY]
Uh, we are earthlings.
We like you.
Oh, that's very kind of you,
sir. We like you too.
Well, doctor?
[SPEAKING NORMALLY] Well, I... I
tell you, sir, I saw Martians.
They were green with these
long antennae. I saw them.
[♪]
[♪]