I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 3, Episode 7 - Everybody's a Movie Star - full transcript
A movie is being made at the Space Center with Tony and Roger and Jeannie gets involved.
[♪]
Two... three.
Mm.
Would you like a ham on rye?
No. I'm not
programmed to eat
for another 15 minutes
in here yet.
Forgot the mustard again.
Mm!
Hey. Look at this.
Pardon my glove.
Oh, thanks.
What are you doing, master?
What is it you think?
Oh.
This is a heat
test chamber, Jeannie.
We're trying to find out
how much heat
a human body can stand.
Y... You're not supposed
to eat that.
Excuse me, Gary.
How long have they
been in there?
Four hours and 30 minutes,
Dr. Bellows.
Oh. That's enough.
Yes, sir.
We're bringing you out,
gentlemen.
I don't want them
to bring me out.
This is the first good
steam bath I've had in months.
If you enjoy this, master,
you can do it
in your very own living room.
Goodbye.
Oh.
Very well.
I will see you at dinner.
Mwah.
Ah. How you feeling,
Major Nelson?
Fine.
Good.
Fine.
And you, Major Healey?
The sandwich was a little dry.
Sandwich?
Oh, the tube sandwich,
with the...
Oh, yes.
We're assigning you to
a special mission, Major Nelson.
Oh, the Apollo project, sir?
I, uh, heh-heh...
No, uh, not quite.
NASA has approved of
making the documentary film
and, uh...
they're going to, uh, bring in
a movie expert from Hollywood.
Oh?
Oh, really?
W-what does that
have to do with me, sir?
Well, you're going to
act in the film.
Oh, really?
Oh, ha-ha,
here we are.
This is your director,
Mr. Allen Kerr.
This is, uh, Major Healey
and, uh, Major Nelson.
How do you do, sir?
A star is born.
[LAUGHS]
[♪]
But I-I think you have
the wrong man.
Uh, I've never done
any acting, Mr. Kerr.
Allen.
Allen.
Won't be necessary for you
to do any acting, major.
I want the real you.
The whole idea
is to photograph an average day
in the life of
an average astronaut.
Your... Your home life,
everything.
My... My home
life?
That's what I said.
I really don't think
it would work.
Why not, major?
Well, I'm not
an average astronaut. I...
Actually, I don't have
any family. I...
Uh, Major Nelson, um,
General Brindley has asked us
for full cooperation.
Now, uh, since Mr. Kerr
has been kind enough
to come out here from Hollywood
and lend his assistance,
it's, uh, up to us
to make everything
as easy as possible for him.
There's nothing
to worry about, major.
As long as you have me
behind the camera.
I-I do think
that perhaps
we ought to give it
just a little more thought.
Did you send for me, sir?
Oh, uh, yes, major.
I thought you'd be
sending for me.
Well, here are the results
of the heat-chamber tests.
Take them to the lab for me, will you?
Yes, sir.
Was there anything else, major?
Well, I heard you were
filming a documentary,
and I've had acting experience.
And I thought you might be
needing me.
Oh, were you an actor,
Major Healey?
Well, I played King Lear.
King Lear? O-on Broadway?
Horace Mann High School.
"Horace Mann High School."
We're making
a documentary, major.
Uh, we don't need actors.
Well, if Roger'd like to
do this instead of me,
uh, I have no objection.
Why don't you both do it?
You work as a team anyway.
And I could help Tony out.
Well, that's settled.
I'm not too familiar
with, uh, movie techniques.
Uh, could you answer a question?
Shoot.
What's Ann-Margret really like?
I'd like to, uh,
spend as much time as I can
with you, major.
I really like to
get to know my actors.
Oh. Yes, I can
understand that.
Splendid. But how about dinner
tonight at your house?
Uh-uh, dinner tonight?
Uh, you know, tonight
really is not the best...
Why not?
We're having Turkish leftovers.
I've never had
Turkish leftovers.
That sounds intriguing.
Oh. Major, I think it'd
be a very good idea
for Mr. Kerr to see you
in your home environment.
We're gonna shoot you there too.
I believe it.
What?
I... We're redecorating.
The whole place is a mess.
You didn't decorate
your house. You kidding?
Perfect.
It'd make it seem more homey.
See you at 7.
Homey. At 7.
Yes, uh, right.
Would you all excuse me?
I have a... A...
A pressing engagement.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[RINGS]
Yes, master.
Uh, hello, Jeannie? Look,
I want you to mess up the house.
Mess up the house?
I just finished vacuuming.
Look, this is important.
I have a very important
guest coming.
And, uh... Uh, well, the house
has got to be messed up for him.
Uh... I want you to make it
look terrible.
Oh. Well... if that
is what you wish.
Don't overdo it. Make it look
like I've been redecorating.
Yes, master.
And try to look inconspicuous.
"Inconspicuous"?
Yeah. Do the best you can.
Uh, here we are.
Oh.
Wow.
[DOOR CLOSES]
You, uh...
Y-you live here?
Well, it's just
an experiment, you see. It...
Wow. What happened
to your place?
I like it.
You do?
It breathes.
Reminds me of a wild bird
soaring into space.
I can't wait to
photograph you in this room.
Good evening.
Oh, good evening.
I'm uh... I'm Allen Kerr.
I am Jeannie.
I am Major Nelson's...
Decorator. She's
my interior decorator.
Oh, you've done
a marvelous job, darling.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, Mr. Kerr is here to
direct a documentary.
Oh, how exciting.
Oh, will you sit down, please?
Thank you.
Being a director
must be very interesting.
It has its rewards.
There's nothing
like the satisfaction
of getting a good performance...
from a clod.
A "clod"?
Most actors are clods.
Well, how do you get
a good performance out of them?
I whip them into it.
You whip them into it?
In the old days,
when I made B pictures,
I was known as
"The Beast of the Bs."
[ALL LAUGHING]
I can't stand incompetence.
Well, I don't blame you.
When I have an actor
in front of my camera,
I expect him to know his job.
Heaven help him if he doesn't.
[LAUGHTER]
I'll have my camera crew here
first thing in the morning.
I think we'll, um...
start in this corner.
He sounds pretty tough.
Don't worry,
I'll pull you through.
It's gonna work.
Oh?
See you at the crack of dawn.
All right.
We're gonna pick up.
Major Healey coming in the door
in a... In a wide shot...
Yeah.
And then go to a tight two.
And then the next, uh...
W-where's
my script girl?
What does he mean
by a "tight two"?
Why are the little people
always frustrating me?
May I help you?
Do you have a stopwatch?
A stopwatch?
Heh.
Yes.
[CHUCKLES]
Uh... Uh, shall we,
um...?
Shall we go over
the scene once more?
I don't think
that'll be necessary.
I know my lines.
An old pro never
forgets. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Let's do it anyway.
You've come over to
have breakfast with Tony,
and you're discussing
the new project.
Now, have you got that?
Got it.
Now go out the door
and get ready for your entrance.
Right.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Tony, there's the door.
I'm sorry.
Do not worry.
Go, go, go.
Tony, please!
Sorry, sorry.
[TONY CLEARS THROAT]
Hi, Roge.
Good morning, Tony.
How you feeling this morning?
Oh, fine, fine. It's
a pretty exciting day.
I can't wait to test
the new scale model
of the lunar landscape.
Neither can I.
Like some coffee
before you go to work?
I'd love a cup of coffee
before we go to work.
How do you take it?
Cream and sugar.
I wonder what it's gonna be like
to be the first man
to land on the moon.
I guess we won't know
until we get there.
ALLEN:
Very good.
Uh, you really like it?
Wait till
I say "cut."
"Cut"?
What was the timing on that?
Oh. The timing?
Uh...
Nine and three-quarter
seconds.
What's that,
a psychedelic egg timer?
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
Okay, let's shoot it.
Be calm.
All right, here we go.
Like in rehearsal.
Like in rehearsal.
Your entrance
from the front door.
From the front door.
Hm.
Major?
Yes, yes, yes.
Whenever you're ready.
I'm ready.
Oh, one more.
Ready, ready.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, here we go.
[BANGING]
And let's have it quiet.
I don't even want breathing.
Ready?
Roll 'em!
Action!
[WHISPERS] The bell.
[WHISPERS] The bell.
The...
Ring the doorbell, Major Healey.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Thank you.
[WHISPERS] Major Nelson.
[WHISPERS] Major Nelson.
That's you, Tony baby.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Oh, hi, Roge.
Morning, Tony.
How you feeling this morning?
Fine. Pretty
exciting day.
I can't wait to test
the new scale model
of the lunar landscape.
Neither can I.
Uh, would you like
a cup of coffee
before we go to work?
I'd love a cup of coffee
before we go to work.
How do you take it?
I guess we won't know
until we get there.
I wonder what it's gonna be like
to be the first man
to land on the moon.
Cream and sugar.
What...? Uh...
Uh, what?
Cut!
Cut?
What are you doing?
What do you mean,
what am I doing?
That "cream and sugar"
stuff on the moon.
Ah. I know
what you mean.
You're too tense.
Relax.
It's too much.
Too much for him.
L-let's
try it again.
It's a long scene.
W-what...?
Just...
ALLEN:
Open the door.
Morning, Tony. How you
feeling this morning?
ALLEN:
Cut!
What... What...
What time is it?
Oh. I-it is
9 a.m.
Lunch!
Lunch?
That was pretty good, Roge.
[♪]
[KNOCK ON DOOR] Come in.
Ah, Mr. Kerr.
Oh, uh, anything the matter?
Yes.
Roger Healey.
You know, King Lear.
Well, if you're having any
trouble getting cooperation...
The problem is, I'm getting
a little too much cooperation.
He's the lousiest actor
I've ever seen.
Well, I'm sure that
everything will turn out.
What about Major Nelson?
Dr. Bellows, can I
level with you?
Well, of course.
I'd like to make
Tony Nelson a star.
Take him to Hollywood.
I got a part in my next picture
that he'd be perfect for.
Oh. I'm sure Major Nelson
would never be interested
in going to Hollywood.
I was hoping he might have
a vacation coming up.
I've worked with the biggest
stars in this business,
and he's a natural
if I ever saw one.
He'll be the biggest
star in Hollywood.
You really think so?
I know so.
He has a quality
that nobody teaches you.
It's a gift.
Well, I always thought
he was colorful, but...
Shines right out
at you. Blinds you.
Doctor, you put him
on the screen,
and he'll have every woman
in the country swooning.
One picture and he'll be
bigger than Rock Hudson.
Me bigger than Rock Hudson?
Oh, my...
Yes? Yeah, Major Healey.
Right. Oh,
all right.
Thank you very much.
Uh, Roger reported to
the main gate an hour ago,
nobody's seen him since.
Shall I go look for
Major Healey?
No. I have
a better idea.
We'll shoot this scene
without him.
Oh, but I'm sure I can find him.
Let's not press our luck.
We'll make it now.
We'll pick it up
right over here.
Hi, hi, hi, hi.
How's it going?
Good morning, good morning,
good morning.
Uh, good morning, good morning.
Good morning.
Hi, Roge. What's
the outfit for?
Oh, this old thing?
Ha.
Well, I thought I'd give
the scene a little color.
I came to Cape Kennedy
to make a documentary
in three days.
You're turning this
into War and Peace.
[PATS] Don't you think
I've suffered too?
I know things have
been going slowly,
but old Roge will help.
I don't need any help!
Sorry, gang.
Let's do it!
ALLEN:
Quiet, please.
Believe it or not, gang,
I think we're finally ready.
Now, in this shot...
Major Healey...
will be out of frame,
and reenter and rendezvous
with Major Nelson.
One note:
Please don't act, Major Healey.
Be honest.
Natural.
Honest. Just
be yourself.
Tony. Do it just the way
you've been doing it.
It's perfect.
Okay. This will be
picture.
Take him out.
Roll 'em.
MAN:
Speed.
Action!
Over here, Roge.
Roge!
Rendezvous.
Roge.
R-rendezvous.
Cut!
Cut! Cut!
Let him down.
Let him down.
Let him down.
Major Healey.
We're not doing Peter Pan.
Call Hollywood.
I'll get this shot...
if it kills me.
And you too.
[SIGHS]
Three thousand miles for this.
Uncle Sam, I've done
more than my share.
Hey. What's gotten
into you, anyway?
What's gotten into me?
I'm gonna be a big star.
That's what's gotten into me.
Yeah? Who says so?
Haven't you heard?
I'm going to be
bigger than Rock.
Rock who?
Rock Hudson.
Well, who said that?
I heard our director
telling Dr. Bellows.
And he should know.
Well, back to the old grind.
I think I'll get
a little makeup on.
It's a little dark around here.
Roger's no actor.
[LAUGHS] You can say
that again, baby.
I was talking about you.
You... Me?
Poor Major Healey.
Look, I'm sorry if there's
been some misunderstanding,
but Major Healey is King Clod.
Well, I don't think
we really have a problem.
He's a dedicated astronaut.
I... I don't think he's
interested in Hollywood.
Oh, that's a break.
For Hollywood, I mean.
Yes.
Major Healey reminds me
of an actor I once knew
who was in a play by Aristotle.
His name was Xerxes. Homer Xerxes.
Yeah.
He rode a chariot
up a hill, over three...
A...
A-a chariot?
Oh, she's an old
theater buff. Yeah.
Sweetheart, you and I are gonna
have to have a little chat.
Oh, I would enjoy that.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, I'm gonna force myself
to go over and
look at the rushes.
Would you, uh, care to see 'em?
Uh, I'd like to, but I think
I'd better straighten Roger out.
I'd rather watch the rushes.
Okay. Okay.
Major Healey is going
to be very unhappy.
Oh, don't be silly.
You don't really think he's
interested in acting, do you?
Yes, master.
BELLOWS: Oh, just place
those on my desk, sergeant.
I will see you on the set.
Yeah, all right.
All right...
[CLEARS THROAT] Um...
Uh, Major Nelson.
Yes, sir.
Uh... Major Healey
seems to think
he's a cross between Tony Curtis
and, uh, Alec Guinness.
The... Oh, well,
Roger is, uh...
Well, I know what he is, major.
I've had a talk
with Mr. Kerr.
Now, are you gonna tell him
he's the worst actor
in the world or shall I?
I'll tell him.
I'll tell him, sir.
Well, you better hurry.
He's going all over the base
inviting people to his premiere.
I'll get right on it, sir.
Mm.
I don't want any place
too elaborate.
Uh, someplace in Beverly Hills
or Bel-Air?
Yeah, with a lot of grounds.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Yeah. Yeah, I'd like
a swimming pool...
and a tennis court.
Mm-hm.
And, uh, don't worry
about the price, huh?
You can take it out of
my first week's salary.
[DOOR
CLOSES]
And look, Harry...
you're invited to
all my premieres, huh?
And get on it and get back
to me, right? Okay, Hare.
Right.
Hi, Roge.
That was my Hollywood
real-estate broker.
You don't smoke, do you?
I know. It's not lit.
Oh.
Your... Your eyes
all right?
What? Oh, these. Oh, well,
I've gotta get used to 'em.
You know how your fans are
when they recognize you.
They just mob you.
[LAUGHS]
Roge, I think we ought to
have a little talk.
Oh, I know what
you're going to say.
I know, I know. And...
I'm going to miss you too.
We've... We've been
through a lot together.
You're gonna be able
to leave all this?
"Leave all this?"
I don't wanna leave it all,
but, you know,
when you're talented...
well, I can't be selfish.
I can't disappoint my fans.
Roge, you're an astronaut.
I know.
Astronaut, movie star.
I just happen to be gifted.
You know something?
When I build my pool,
I think I'm gonna have it
shaped in the form of a capsule.
Something small with
about 75 girls, you know.
You're invited to
all my premieres.
Roge...
[PHONE RINGS]
Hey... Excuse me.
Yeah.
Yeah? Wait a minute.
Wh... What was it?
Nothing. You...
I'll talk to you later.
Yeah. Yeah.
Seventy-five rooms?
Harry, I don't need
seven bedrooms.
All right... Yeah.
Call you back.
Well, I see that
Major Nelson talked to you.
Oh, yeah.
He's a great guy. Great.
Hm. Frankly, I thought
you'd be a little more upset.
Me upset, sir?
Well, I suppose it is something
to be the worst actor
in the world.
"The w-worst actor
in the world?"
I didn't wanna tell you
this, major, but, uh...
Mr. Kerr said that he'd never
seen anyone quite like you.
That you... You reminded him of
his old hog-calling days.
Oh.
Are you sure he meant me?
I'm sorry, major,
but, uh, I'm afraid so.
W-what happened to the...
masculine quality and looking...
And looking like Rock Hudson?
Yes.
He was quite impressed
with, uh, Major Nelson.
But, of course, Major Nelson
wouldn't be interested.
Yeah. Well, I mean...
I mean, who wants
all that glamour?
Hollywood glamour.
I mean, you know,
it's just, ha...
Yes. Uh, why don't
you get on
with the report, major?
Oh, yeah.
And, uh, I am sorry.
Oh, it's all right.
Nothing at all.
I couldn't tell him.
I just couldn't
tell him, Jeannie.
It would have broken his heart.
Well, what are you going to do?
Well, I don't know.
How do you tell a man
he doesn't have any...
Have any talent?
It'd shatter him. Just...
I know.
I will get Homer Xerxes
to coach him.
Uh, yeah, that'll do it.
I'm sure that would
cheer him up.
Yeah. That's...
That's... That's...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi.
Hi. We were just
talking about you.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
You know all this talk
about me being a movie star.
Would you like to
meet Homer Xerxes?
[SIGHS] Well, as I was saying,
all this talk about me
being a movie star...
Yeah, well, we... We were just
discussing that, Roge. Uh...
Oh. Oh, you didn't think
I was serious, did you?
You mean, you weren't?
About being a movie star? Yeah.
Oh, did I have
you fooled. Ha.
Oh, that is wonderful news.
I was just playing a game.
There's more
important things in life
than having girls
chasing you around
asking for your autograph.
Roger, I... I can't
tell you how relieved I am.
Well, we'll finish
the picture Monday,
and then we can
get back to work again.
I wonder where I can get another
job as a script supervisor.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get that.
Well, I'm... I'm sorry
I-I kidded around, but I...
Oh. Uh, hello.
Hello, Tony.
Oh...
exactly wanted to be an actor...
Hello, Mr. Kerr.
Jeannie.
I wanna talk to you.
Uh... Oh, well, we've
already discussed it.
Everything's all right.
ROGER: I think...
All right?
Everything's fantastic.
Fantastic?
Did I do something?
I just looked at the rushes.
Do you know you're
the funniest man I've ever seen?
Me?
A natural comic.
The... The way you move,
it's unbelievable.
I didn't spot it till
I saw it on the film.
You could be the biggest
thing in Hollywood.
Me?
Oh, well, he's not interested.
Uh, he's dying to go back...
Wait, wait.
"Not interested?"
Me, the biggest thing
in Hollywood?
I can get you a contract
at Columbia Pictures.
They're casting
a picture right now
that you would be perfect for.
Roger's not
interested. Uh, he's, uh...
We've discussed it.
We're going to the moon.
Are you kidding?
And let my fans down?
[CLAPS HANDS] No, sirree.
Only this time, I wanna pick
my own leading lady.
Ha. I'll start off
with Lollobrigida. That's it.
I want my own...
Pick my own director.
And I want a limousine,
I want a chauffeur.
And I want you to get me
one of those ascots
right around the neck.
[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
Are you all right, master?
Mm? Yeah, fine.
Are you unhappy?
About what?
Because of Major Healey.
Oh. No, no.
No, the space program has
just assigned somebody else
to go up on that mission
with me, that's all.
Well, I will miss him.
Well, we can always
go see him in his movies.
[CHUCKLES]
Major Healey.
Oh. Hi, Jeannie.
Hi, Tony.
We thought you were
leaving for Hollywood.
Oh, me leaving for Hollywood?
Oh, come on.
They wanted me to sign
a seven-year contract.
And we're going up in
the moon shot in six weeks.
Huh?
I wouldn't leave.
Are you kidding?
Come on, now. You didn't
believe all that.
Now, come on, now.
Really?
You know I'm not leaving.
You're back with us!
Oh!
I wasn't going anyway, now.
I wouldn't...
How could I leave you?
I mean, I would...
Hi, gang.
Oh, hi,
Mr. Kerr.
Just dropped by to say goodbye.
Sorry we lost you, Major Healey,
but, uh, our loss is
the space program's gain, right?
[LAUGHS]
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Miss Gigi Dubois.
Oh, uh... Anthony Nelson.
How are you?
This is Jeannie.
Hello.
She was going to be
your leading lady.
My leading lady?
Well, I'll tell you what.
If we could back up
the moon shot about seven years,
maybe I could do the contract,
and maybe we could work
together.
And maybe we could make
pictures together.
And then we could
just roll over...
[TALKING
INDISTINCTLY]
Now, uh, R-Roge.
Now, wait a minute...
[BOTH TALKING]
[♪]
Two... three.
Mm.
Would you like a ham on rye?
No. I'm not
programmed to eat
for another 15 minutes
in here yet.
Forgot the mustard again.
Mm!
Hey. Look at this.
Pardon my glove.
Oh, thanks.
What are you doing, master?
What is it you think?
Oh.
This is a heat
test chamber, Jeannie.
We're trying to find out
how much heat
a human body can stand.
Y... You're not supposed
to eat that.
Excuse me, Gary.
How long have they
been in there?
Four hours and 30 minutes,
Dr. Bellows.
Oh. That's enough.
Yes, sir.
We're bringing you out,
gentlemen.
I don't want them
to bring me out.
This is the first good
steam bath I've had in months.
If you enjoy this, master,
you can do it
in your very own living room.
Goodbye.
Oh.
Very well.
I will see you at dinner.
Mwah.
Ah. How you feeling,
Major Nelson?
Fine.
Good.
Fine.
And you, Major Healey?
The sandwich was a little dry.
Sandwich?
Oh, the tube sandwich,
with the...
Oh, yes.
We're assigning you to
a special mission, Major Nelson.
Oh, the Apollo project, sir?
I, uh, heh-heh...
No, uh, not quite.
NASA has approved of
making the documentary film
and, uh...
they're going to, uh, bring in
a movie expert from Hollywood.
Oh?
Oh, really?
W-what does that
have to do with me, sir?
Well, you're going to
act in the film.
Oh, really?
Oh, ha-ha,
here we are.
This is your director,
Mr. Allen Kerr.
This is, uh, Major Healey
and, uh, Major Nelson.
How do you do, sir?
A star is born.
[LAUGHS]
[♪]
But I-I think you have
the wrong man.
Uh, I've never done
any acting, Mr. Kerr.
Allen.
Allen.
Won't be necessary for you
to do any acting, major.
I want the real you.
The whole idea
is to photograph an average day
in the life of
an average astronaut.
Your... Your home life,
everything.
My... My home
life?
That's what I said.
I really don't think
it would work.
Why not, major?
Well, I'm not
an average astronaut. I...
Actually, I don't have
any family. I...
Uh, Major Nelson, um,
General Brindley has asked us
for full cooperation.
Now, uh, since Mr. Kerr
has been kind enough
to come out here from Hollywood
and lend his assistance,
it's, uh, up to us
to make everything
as easy as possible for him.
There's nothing
to worry about, major.
As long as you have me
behind the camera.
I-I do think
that perhaps
we ought to give it
just a little more thought.
Did you send for me, sir?
Oh, uh, yes, major.
I thought you'd be
sending for me.
Well, here are the results
of the heat-chamber tests.
Take them to the lab for me, will you?
Yes, sir.
Was there anything else, major?
Well, I heard you were
filming a documentary,
and I've had acting experience.
And I thought you might be
needing me.
Oh, were you an actor,
Major Healey?
Well, I played King Lear.
King Lear? O-on Broadway?
Horace Mann High School.
"Horace Mann High School."
We're making
a documentary, major.
Uh, we don't need actors.
Well, if Roger'd like to
do this instead of me,
uh, I have no objection.
Why don't you both do it?
You work as a team anyway.
And I could help Tony out.
Well, that's settled.
I'm not too familiar
with, uh, movie techniques.
Uh, could you answer a question?
Shoot.
What's Ann-Margret really like?
I'd like to, uh,
spend as much time as I can
with you, major.
I really like to
get to know my actors.
Oh. Yes, I can
understand that.
Splendid. But how about dinner
tonight at your house?
Uh-uh, dinner tonight?
Uh, you know, tonight
really is not the best...
Why not?
We're having Turkish leftovers.
I've never had
Turkish leftovers.
That sounds intriguing.
Oh. Major, I think it'd
be a very good idea
for Mr. Kerr to see you
in your home environment.
We're gonna shoot you there too.
I believe it.
What?
I... We're redecorating.
The whole place is a mess.
You didn't decorate
your house. You kidding?
Perfect.
It'd make it seem more homey.
See you at 7.
Homey. At 7.
Yes, uh, right.
Would you all excuse me?
I have a... A...
A pressing engagement.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[RINGS]
Yes, master.
Uh, hello, Jeannie? Look,
I want you to mess up the house.
Mess up the house?
I just finished vacuuming.
Look, this is important.
I have a very important
guest coming.
And, uh... Uh, well, the house
has got to be messed up for him.
Uh... I want you to make it
look terrible.
Oh. Well... if that
is what you wish.
Don't overdo it. Make it look
like I've been redecorating.
Yes, master.
And try to look inconspicuous.
"Inconspicuous"?
Yeah. Do the best you can.
Uh, here we are.
Oh.
Wow.
[DOOR CLOSES]
You, uh...
Y-you live here?
Well, it's just
an experiment, you see. It...
Wow. What happened
to your place?
I like it.
You do?
It breathes.
Reminds me of a wild bird
soaring into space.
I can't wait to
photograph you in this room.
Good evening.
Oh, good evening.
I'm uh... I'm Allen Kerr.
I am Jeannie.
I am Major Nelson's...
Decorator. She's
my interior decorator.
Oh, you've done
a marvelous job, darling.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, Mr. Kerr is here to
direct a documentary.
Oh, how exciting.
Oh, will you sit down, please?
Thank you.
Being a director
must be very interesting.
It has its rewards.
There's nothing
like the satisfaction
of getting a good performance...
from a clod.
A "clod"?
Most actors are clods.
Well, how do you get
a good performance out of them?
I whip them into it.
You whip them into it?
In the old days,
when I made B pictures,
I was known as
"The Beast of the Bs."
[ALL LAUGHING]
I can't stand incompetence.
Well, I don't blame you.
When I have an actor
in front of my camera,
I expect him to know his job.
Heaven help him if he doesn't.
[LAUGHTER]
I'll have my camera crew here
first thing in the morning.
I think we'll, um...
start in this corner.
He sounds pretty tough.
Don't worry,
I'll pull you through.
It's gonna work.
Oh?
See you at the crack of dawn.
All right.
We're gonna pick up.
Major Healey coming in the door
in a... In a wide shot...
Yeah.
And then go to a tight two.
And then the next, uh...
W-where's
my script girl?
What does he mean
by a "tight two"?
Why are the little people
always frustrating me?
May I help you?
Do you have a stopwatch?
A stopwatch?
Heh.
Yes.
[CHUCKLES]
Uh... Uh, shall we,
um...?
Shall we go over
the scene once more?
I don't think
that'll be necessary.
I know my lines.
An old pro never
forgets. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Let's do it anyway.
You've come over to
have breakfast with Tony,
and you're discussing
the new project.
Now, have you got that?
Got it.
Now go out the door
and get ready for your entrance.
Right.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Tony, there's the door.
I'm sorry.
Do not worry.
Go, go, go.
Tony, please!
Sorry, sorry.
[TONY CLEARS THROAT]
Hi, Roge.
Good morning, Tony.
How you feeling this morning?
Oh, fine, fine. It's
a pretty exciting day.
I can't wait to test
the new scale model
of the lunar landscape.
Neither can I.
Like some coffee
before you go to work?
I'd love a cup of coffee
before we go to work.
How do you take it?
Cream and sugar.
I wonder what it's gonna be like
to be the first man
to land on the moon.
I guess we won't know
until we get there.
ALLEN:
Very good.
Uh, you really like it?
Wait till
I say "cut."
"Cut"?
What was the timing on that?
Oh. The timing?
Uh...
Nine and three-quarter
seconds.
What's that,
a psychedelic egg timer?
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
Okay, let's shoot it.
Be calm.
All right, here we go.
Like in rehearsal.
Like in rehearsal.
Your entrance
from the front door.
From the front door.
Hm.
Major?
Yes, yes, yes.
Whenever you're ready.
I'm ready.
Oh, one more.
Ready, ready.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, here we go.
[BANGING]
And let's have it quiet.
I don't even want breathing.
Ready?
Roll 'em!
Action!
[WHISPERS] The bell.
[WHISPERS] The bell.
The...
Ring the doorbell, Major Healey.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Thank you.
[WHISPERS] Major Nelson.
[WHISPERS] Major Nelson.
That's you, Tony baby.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Oh, hi, Roge.
Morning, Tony.
How you feeling this morning?
Fine. Pretty
exciting day.
I can't wait to test
the new scale model
of the lunar landscape.
Neither can I.
Uh, would you like
a cup of coffee
before we go to work?
I'd love a cup of coffee
before we go to work.
How do you take it?
I guess we won't know
until we get there.
I wonder what it's gonna be like
to be the first man
to land on the moon.
Cream and sugar.
What...? Uh...
Uh, what?
Cut!
Cut?
What are you doing?
What do you mean,
what am I doing?
That "cream and sugar"
stuff on the moon.
Ah. I know
what you mean.
You're too tense.
Relax.
It's too much.
Too much for him.
L-let's
try it again.
It's a long scene.
W-what...?
Just...
ALLEN:
Open the door.
Morning, Tony. How you
feeling this morning?
ALLEN:
Cut!
What... What...
What time is it?
Oh. I-it is
9 a.m.
Lunch!
Lunch?
That was pretty good, Roge.
[♪]
[KNOCK ON DOOR] Come in.
Ah, Mr. Kerr.
Oh, uh, anything the matter?
Yes.
Roger Healey.
You know, King Lear.
Well, if you're having any
trouble getting cooperation...
The problem is, I'm getting
a little too much cooperation.
He's the lousiest actor
I've ever seen.
Well, I'm sure that
everything will turn out.
What about Major Nelson?
Dr. Bellows, can I
level with you?
Well, of course.
I'd like to make
Tony Nelson a star.
Take him to Hollywood.
I got a part in my next picture
that he'd be perfect for.
Oh. I'm sure Major Nelson
would never be interested
in going to Hollywood.
I was hoping he might have
a vacation coming up.
I've worked with the biggest
stars in this business,
and he's a natural
if I ever saw one.
He'll be the biggest
star in Hollywood.
You really think so?
I know so.
He has a quality
that nobody teaches you.
It's a gift.
Well, I always thought
he was colorful, but...
Shines right out
at you. Blinds you.
Doctor, you put him
on the screen,
and he'll have every woman
in the country swooning.
One picture and he'll be
bigger than Rock Hudson.
Me bigger than Rock Hudson?
Oh, my...
Yes? Yeah, Major Healey.
Right. Oh,
all right.
Thank you very much.
Uh, Roger reported to
the main gate an hour ago,
nobody's seen him since.
Shall I go look for
Major Healey?
No. I have
a better idea.
We'll shoot this scene
without him.
Oh, but I'm sure I can find him.
Let's not press our luck.
We'll make it now.
We'll pick it up
right over here.
Hi, hi, hi, hi.
How's it going?
Good morning, good morning,
good morning.
Uh, good morning, good morning.
Good morning.
Hi, Roge. What's
the outfit for?
Oh, this old thing?
Ha.
Well, I thought I'd give
the scene a little color.
I came to Cape Kennedy
to make a documentary
in three days.
You're turning this
into War and Peace.
[PATS] Don't you think
I've suffered too?
I know things have
been going slowly,
but old Roge will help.
I don't need any help!
Sorry, gang.
Let's do it!
ALLEN:
Quiet, please.
Believe it or not, gang,
I think we're finally ready.
Now, in this shot...
Major Healey...
will be out of frame,
and reenter and rendezvous
with Major Nelson.
One note:
Please don't act, Major Healey.
Be honest.
Natural.
Honest. Just
be yourself.
Tony. Do it just the way
you've been doing it.
It's perfect.
Okay. This will be
picture.
Take him out.
Roll 'em.
MAN:
Speed.
Action!
Over here, Roge.
Roge!
Rendezvous.
Roge.
R-rendezvous.
Cut!
Cut! Cut!
Let him down.
Let him down.
Let him down.
Major Healey.
We're not doing Peter Pan.
Call Hollywood.
I'll get this shot...
if it kills me.
And you too.
[SIGHS]
Three thousand miles for this.
Uncle Sam, I've done
more than my share.
Hey. What's gotten
into you, anyway?
What's gotten into me?
I'm gonna be a big star.
That's what's gotten into me.
Yeah? Who says so?
Haven't you heard?
I'm going to be
bigger than Rock.
Rock who?
Rock Hudson.
Well, who said that?
I heard our director
telling Dr. Bellows.
And he should know.
Well, back to the old grind.
I think I'll get
a little makeup on.
It's a little dark around here.
Roger's no actor.
[LAUGHS] You can say
that again, baby.
I was talking about you.
You... Me?
Poor Major Healey.
Look, I'm sorry if there's
been some misunderstanding,
but Major Healey is King Clod.
Well, I don't think
we really have a problem.
He's a dedicated astronaut.
I... I don't think he's
interested in Hollywood.
Oh, that's a break.
For Hollywood, I mean.
Yes.
Major Healey reminds me
of an actor I once knew
who was in a play by Aristotle.
His name was Xerxes. Homer Xerxes.
Yeah.
He rode a chariot
up a hill, over three...
A...
A-a chariot?
Oh, she's an old
theater buff. Yeah.
Sweetheart, you and I are gonna
have to have a little chat.
Oh, I would enjoy that.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, I'm gonna force myself
to go over and
look at the rushes.
Would you, uh, care to see 'em?
Uh, I'd like to, but I think
I'd better straighten Roger out.
I'd rather watch the rushes.
Okay. Okay.
Major Healey is going
to be very unhappy.
Oh, don't be silly.
You don't really think he's
interested in acting, do you?
Yes, master.
BELLOWS: Oh, just place
those on my desk, sergeant.
I will see you on the set.
Yeah, all right.
All right...
[CLEARS THROAT] Um...
Uh, Major Nelson.
Yes, sir.
Uh... Major Healey
seems to think
he's a cross between Tony Curtis
and, uh, Alec Guinness.
The... Oh, well,
Roger is, uh...
Well, I know what he is, major.
I've had a talk
with Mr. Kerr.
Now, are you gonna tell him
he's the worst actor
in the world or shall I?
I'll tell him.
I'll tell him, sir.
Well, you better hurry.
He's going all over the base
inviting people to his premiere.
I'll get right on it, sir.
Mm.
I don't want any place
too elaborate.
Uh, someplace in Beverly Hills
or Bel-Air?
Yeah, with a lot of grounds.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Yeah. Yeah, I'd like
a swimming pool...
and a tennis court.
Mm-hm.
And, uh, don't worry
about the price, huh?
You can take it out of
my first week's salary.
[DOOR
CLOSES]
And look, Harry...
you're invited to
all my premieres, huh?
And get on it and get back
to me, right? Okay, Hare.
Right.
Hi, Roge.
That was my Hollywood
real-estate broker.
You don't smoke, do you?
I know. It's not lit.
Oh.
Your... Your eyes
all right?
What? Oh, these. Oh, well,
I've gotta get used to 'em.
You know how your fans are
when they recognize you.
They just mob you.
[LAUGHS]
Roge, I think we ought to
have a little talk.
Oh, I know what
you're going to say.
I know, I know. And...
I'm going to miss you too.
We've... We've been
through a lot together.
You're gonna be able
to leave all this?
"Leave all this?"
I don't wanna leave it all,
but, you know,
when you're talented...
well, I can't be selfish.
I can't disappoint my fans.
Roge, you're an astronaut.
I know.
Astronaut, movie star.
I just happen to be gifted.
You know something?
When I build my pool,
I think I'm gonna have it
shaped in the form of a capsule.
Something small with
about 75 girls, you know.
You're invited to
all my premieres.
Roge...
[PHONE RINGS]
Hey... Excuse me.
Yeah.
Yeah? Wait a minute.
Wh... What was it?
Nothing. You...
I'll talk to you later.
Yeah. Yeah.
Seventy-five rooms?
Harry, I don't need
seven bedrooms.
All right... Yeah.
Call you back.
Well, I see that
Major Nelson talked to you.
Oh, yeah.
He's a great guy. Great.
Hm. Frankly, I thought
you'd be a little more upset.
Me upset, sir?
Well, I suppose it is something
to be the worst actor
in the world.
"The w-worst actor
in the world?"
I didn't wanna tell you
this, major, but, uh...
Mr. Kerr said that he'd never
seen anyone quite like you.
That you... You reminded him of
his old hog-calling days.
Oh.
Are you sure he meant me?
I'm sorry, major,
but, uh, I'm afraid so.
W-what happened to the...
masculine quality and looking...
And looking like Rock Hudson?
Yes.
He was quite impressed
with, uh, Major Nelson.
But, of course, Major Nelson
wouldn't be interested.
Yeah. Well, I mean...
I mean, who wants
all that glamour?
Hollywood glamour.
I mean, you know,
it's just, ha...
Yes. Uh, why don't
you get on
with the report, major?
Oh, yeah.
And, uh, I am sorry.
Oh, it's all right.
Nothing at all.
I couldn't tell him.
I just couldn't
tell him, Jeannie.
It would have broken his heart.
Well, what are you going to do?
Well, I don't know.
How do you tell a man
he doesn't have any...
Have any talent?
It'd shatter him. Just...
I know.
I will get Homer Xerxes
to coach him.
Uh, yeah, that'll do it.
I'm sure that would
cheer him up.
Yeah. That's...
That's... That's...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi.
Hi. We were just
talking about you.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
You know all this talk
about me being a movie star.
Would you like to
meet Homer Xerxes?
[SIGHS] Well, as I was saying,
all this talk about me
being a movie star...
Yeah, well, we... We were just
discussing that, Roge. Uh...
Oh. Oh, you didn't think
I was serious, did you?
You mean, you weren't?
About being a movie star? Yeah.
Oh, did I have
you fooled. Ha.
Oh, that is wonderful news.
I was just playing a game.
There's more
important things in life
than having girls
chasing you around
asking for your autograph.
Roger, I... I can't
tell you how relieved I am.
Well, we'll finish
the picture Monday,
and then we can
get back to work again.
I wonder where I can get another
job as a script supervisor.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get that.
Well, I'm... I'm sorry
I-I kidded around, but I...
Oh. Uh, hello.
Hello, Tony.
Oh...
exactly wanted to be an actor...
Hello, Mr. Kerr.
Jeannie.
I wanna talk to you.
Uh... Oh, well, we've
already discussed it.
Everything's all right.
ROGER: I think...
All right?
Everything's fantastic.
Fantastic?
Did I do something?
I just looked at the rushes.
Do you know you're
the funniest man I've ever seen?
Me?
A natural comic.
The... The way you move,
it's unbelievable.
I didn't spot it till
I saw it on the film.
You could be the biggest
thing in Hollywood.
Me?
Oh, well, he's not interested.
Uh, he's dying to go back...
Wait, wait.
"Not interested?"
Me, the biggest thing
in Hollywood?
I can get you a contract
at Columbia Pictures.
They're casting
a picture right now
that you would be perfect for.
Roger's not
interested. Uh, he's, uh...
We've discussed it.
We're going to the moon.
Are you kidding?
And let my fans down?
[CLAPS HANDS] No, sirree.
Only this time, I wanna pick
my own leading lady.
Ha. I'll start off
with Lollobrigida. That's it.
I want my own...
Pick my own director.
And I want a limousine,
I want a chauffeur.
And I want you to get me
one of those ascots
right around the neck.
[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
Are you all right, master?
Mm? Yeah, fine.
Are you unhappy?
About what?
Because of Major Healey.
Oh. No, no.
No, the space program has
just assigned somebody else
to go up on that mission
with me, that's all.
Well, I will miss him.
Well, we can always
go see him in his movies.
[CHUCKLES]
Major Healey.
Oh. Hi, Jeannie.
Hi, Tony.
We thought you were
leaving for Hollywood.
Oh, me leaving for Hollywood?
Oh, come on.
They wanted me to sign
a seven-year contract.
And we're going up in
the moon shot in six weeks.
Huh?
I wouldn't leave.
Are you kidding?
Come on, now. You didn't
believe all that.
Now, come on, now.
Really?
You know I'm not leaving.
You're back with us!
Oh!
I wasn't going anyway, now.
I wouldn't...
How could I leave you?
I mean, I would...
Hi, gang.
Oh, hi,
Mr. Kerr.
Just dropped by to say goodbye.
Sorry we lost you, Major Healey,
but, uh, our loss is
the space program's gain, right?
[LAUGHS]
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Miss Gigi Dubois.
Oh, uh... Anthony Nelson.
How are you?
This is Jeannie.
Hello.
She was going to be
your leading lady.
My leading lady?
Well, I'll tell you what.
If we could back up
the moon shot about seven years,
maybe I could do the contract,
and maybe we could work
together.
And maybe we could make
pictures together.
And then we could
just roll over...
[TALKING
INDISTINCTLY]
Now, uh, R-Roge.
Now, wait a minute...
[BOTH TALKING]
[♪]