I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 3, Episode 5 - My Master, the Weakling - full transcript

During a physical fitness course, Jeannie gives the tough Navy trainer the personality of his sweet aunt.

[♪]

Respiration,

pulse rate, heartbeat...

all excellent.

Gentlemen...

you have just qualified

to participate as guinea pigs

in an experimental program.

Congratulations.

Guinea pig? What kind
of guinea pig, sir?

Oh, you'll see.



And now, if you'll excuse me,

I, um...

I must inform Commander Kiski,

the director of the new program,
that you're ready to begin.

Now?
Now, major.

But a-all the guys
just went to lunch, sir.

And until I return,
I suggest that

you both exercise vigorously.

Commander Kiski likes
his guinea pigs to be warmed up.

Boy, for a few knee bends,
we have to miss lunch.

I hope this Kiski isn't

some kind of
an exercise fanatic.

Well. I wouldn't
worry about it.

We're in pretty good shape.



Think we can breeze through
anything this guy throws at us,

unless he's Attila the Hun.
Huh? [BOTH LAUGH]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, what are you
doing here, huh?

Oh, master, do you not remember?

You and Major Healey promised to

take me out to dinner tonight.

Oh, no.
I forgot about that.

And dancing.
Ohh!

[CLAPS]

Do you like my dress?

Yeah, it's pretty, but...

But, but, but.
Yeah, yeah, it's great.

Jeannie, will you get out
of here? We gotta work out.

What is "work out"?

Well, it's a lot of
running and jumping,

bending and stretching.

But if you do all that,

will you not be too tired
to take me dancing tonight?

No, no. Listen,
we could chop rocks all day

and still be in good shape
to take you out.

Now go on.
Go on home, please.

You are sure
you will not be too tired?

Absolutely.
Please, will you?

Very well then.
Until tonight.

Yeah, sure.
Tonight.

Okay.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Oh. Yes, sir.
Hello.

Uh, this is the director of

your new physical-conditioning program.
[CHUCKLES]

Commander Frances
N. Kiski.

Major Nelson, Major Healey.

How do you do, sir?
How are you, sir?

Attention!

[♪]

Marshmallows.

It's Attila the Hun.

[♪]

[♪]

Major...

are you in good condition?

Yes, sir.
Wrong!

And you.

Wall-to-wall flab.

What do you say to
50 quick pushups?

Or are you afraid
you might hurt yourself?

If you are...

just speak right up.

Oh-ho-ho...

Too easy, huh?
All right.

We'll try something else.

Now, watch.
Watch my hand.

Watch.

[GRUNTS, YELLS]

See what I mean?

See what I did?

Well... you saw it.

You're dead.

I just killed you, and
you didn't defend yourselves.

Well, we're at attention, sir.

[MOCKINGLY]
"At attention, sir."

Oh, really? Hm.

See what I mean,
Dr. Bellows?

Proved my point.

These men are
survival-soft.

Their animal instinct...

of kill or be killed...

has been ruined...

by their easy living.

Hm.

We've received the finest
astronaut training, sir.

I think that, uh...

Kindergarten junk!

That's right.

I...

I am gonna teach you
how to survive.

Punishment training.

Pain! Pain!

Pain, going past suffering...

into the valley of agony.

That's right.

Now, what do you say

to a quick
10-mile run?

And after that, you'll
come back here,

and we'll have three hours

of special exercises.

A... A 10-mile run
and three hours, sir?

That's right, major.

That's right.

And tomorrow...
[LAUGHS]

We'll start the hard stuff.

Okay?

Right face!

Double-quick...
march!

Move it, move it, move it!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Move it, move it,
move it, move it!

Move it, move it, move it!

He's trying to kill us.
Yeah.

Healey!

Yeah?

Oh, okay. Time.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[GROANS]

He's trying to kill us.

Kill us? See it in his eyes.

He was testing us.
Trying to kill us.

But he couldn't break us down.

We won, don't you see?
Yeah.

Oh, that's good.

Ten minutes ago,
I thought I died.

Let's get out of here.

Where are you going?

[GASPS] Who said school was out?

Oh, well, sir, you said...

You said we could leave
after three hours of exercise.

I lied! I tell that
to all my boys

to keep them
on their tippy-tippy-toes.

You're not through yet.

Here. Try these on.

[SIGHS]

I think there's a mistake.

Somebody, uh, put lead
in the pockets.

[LAUGHS] It's a mistake.

There's lead in the pockets.

No, major.

It's not lead.

It's sand.

A hundred and fifty
pounds of sand

sewn into the lining
of each jacket.

Oh, you look marvelous.

What do we do
with these sand dunes

now that we got 'em on?

What do you think you do with
150 pounds of sand on your back?

Run.
Uphill.

Now, move!
Move, move!

[BLOWS
WHISTLE]

Move it, move it, move it!

Let's go!
Let's move it!

Oh, master.

[GIGGLES] And Major Healey.

I almost thought you had
forgotten our date tonight.

You are very late.

You promised.
I know.

Jeannie, I'd love to take you
for, uh, d-dancing, but...

Oh, thank you!
No.

[GROANS]

What...?
What happened?

You may not believe this, Roger,

but I think we're going dancing.

Yes. Come along.
Let's go.

Oh, wait.
Oh, oh-oh...

Come on.
[LAUGHS]

Whoa, no.

[♪]

Oh, this is such fun.

Are you enjoying yourself,
Major Healey?

Major Healey? Are you
enjoying yourself?

Yes, I'm enjoying myself.
Oh.

Well, I-if you are
too tired, we can go home.

No, I'm not too tired.
I-I w... I don't want to go home.

[GIGGLES]

Master?

Master, wake up.

Oh. He's asleep.

Master, wake up.
Wake up.

Master.
[GIGGLES]

Peekaboo.

Wake up.

Thank you, Armand.

I think you'll like
this place, commander.

The, uh, music's a bit
on the loud side,

but the food is superb.
Hm.

Good. After
breaking down the men,

I always have a good appetite.

Wake up. Wake up.
[GROANS]

[♪]

Look who's here.

He's dancing.

That's incredible.

It's fabulous, doc.

You know, I've had to
hold up my training program,

because I couldn't get men

strong enough to get
the full treatment.

But with Nelson and Healey,

starting tomorrow, I'll
be able to give them the works.

The works?

Everything.

My secret plan.

Oh, master,
you should have told me

that Commander Kiski
made you work out so hard.

Ahh! Mm.

I would not have allowed you
to go dancing. [GROANS]

The dancing was the easy part.

I slept through most of that.

Do you suppose it's possible
to sprain skin?

Ohh!

Oh.

Well, let's hobble along

with another day
of fun and games

with Killer Kiski.

Oh, but he will hurt you again.

Ah, no, no. He won't be
so rough on us today.

No, these physical fitness guys

all work the same way.

They murder you the first day,

then they ease off.

Yeah.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Ah, Jeannie. Ah. Ah.

Hello? Major Nelson
here.

Oh.

Yes, Commander Kiski.

Yes, sir.

Ye... All right.
All right.

Well, what's wrong?

We're to report to
Staging Area F,

pick up our winter
field uniforms.

Area F in our winter uniforms?
Are you kidding?

It's 100 degrees there.

Hundred and one.
Kiski checked.

Master, please let me help you.

No, I'll... I'll take
care of it.

It's my responsibility.
Tsk.

Yeah, It's not like in school,

where your mother
writes you an excuse.

Roge, giddyap.

An excuse from mother?

Mm.

I don't care what Nelson says.

He and Healey can't
drink the water.

Now you tell those two softies
to get over here on the double.

And make sure they zipper up
their overcoats.

I'm through being a nice guy.

Hello.

What did...? How did
you get in here?

Oh, I brought you a note
from Major Nelson's mother.

A-and one from
Major Healey's too.

You'll have to excuse them
from any more, uh, exercises.

Notes from their mothers?

What are you,

some sort of weird
cocktail waitress?

Oh. Please read
the notes.

Oh. I get it.

You're either a girlfriend
of Nelson or Healey's,

and you're trying to come over
here and help them get out of

some of those hard, nasty jobs.

Oh, believe me,
I'm not doing that.

Mm, yeah. I know.

It's women like you
that love to smother guys.

Protect 'em, keep 'em soft.

Oh, I just want to see...

I've seen dames like you.

You ruin 'em with your cuddling.

I know.

My Aunt Effie
tried to do it to me. Hm.

Every day, I remember,

"Eat your cottage
cheese, Francis."

"Drink your milkie,
Francis."

"Don't forget to wear
your rubber hat, Francis."

Egh-yuck.

Your Aunt Effie sounds
very sweet.

Sweet?!

If I didn't get away from her,

she would have made
a sissy out of me.

But I'm not gonna let
your pals get away.

Not till I make 'em
as hard as steel.

I do not think your Aunt Effie

would like the way
you treat them.

Her? She'd have them
sitting under a tree

eating blueberry pie.

Oh, that is nice.

Oh, yeah?
Well, you get...!

[GIGGLES]

Your Aunt Effie is
a much nicer person.

Out of here, because
I don't really care.

Major Healey and
Major Nelson, sir.

Major Healey and Major Nelson?

I told you not to ask
for water. He'll kill us.

Attention!

Okay, you guys.
Now, I'm...

Oh, I'm...
I'm awfully sorry, boys.

Forgive me. Oh, my goodness.
I'll have mercy on you.

You shouldn't be dressed
in these hot outfits

on a day like this.

It's ridiculous.

Take off those clothes.
Really, boys.

I don't want to see you suffer.

You should be able to
relax and enjoy,

and be nice and cool.

That's no way to dress
in hot weather.

Here. Have a drink
of water there.

Don't drink it.
It's a trick.

Hey, listen, fellas.
I have an idea.

You ought to get into
some shorts

and sit under a nice cool tree.

[LAUGHS]

I'll get you some pie.
Do you like blueberry pie?

It's delicious with cold milk.

You go ahead and rest here,

and I'll go see about
the pie, okay, fellas?

Ah.

Drink, enjoy.

You're marvelous.
Wonderful boys.

It's so drab in here.

You ought to have chintz
to brighten it up a little bit.

Jeez, it would make it
so beautiful.

Chintz? In a tent?

Chintz?

It's a plot.

He's going to poison the pie.

It's a trick.

Why would he wanna
poison the pie?

If it's not a trick,

we're in the hands
of a raving maniac.

Boys. Boys?

Boys? Boys.

Oh. There you are.

There you are.

Hurry up, boys.
It's naughty to be a slowpoke.

What am I saying?

Don't go with him.
He's trying to get us lost.

Just like Hansel and Gretel.

I know he's acting
kind of peculiar,

but that pie was delicious.

[LAUGHS] Oh.

My, the air out here
is wonderful.

Yeah.

Are you comfortable, master?

Yeah. Uh, listen, uh,
get out of here.

Kiski's gonna be
back any minute.

Yeah, with more pie.

I couldn't eat another bite.

Oh, I'm glad you two are
getting along so well with him.

Well, he's not such
a bad guy once you know him.

KISKI:
Major!

Oh, come on, Jeannie.
Out, out.

Oh. Yes, master.

Have a nice day.

Yeah...
Really, now...

Now... Oh.

Come on.
Major!

[MUMBLES]

Hey! There you are.
Yeah.

Your easels are all set up.

Our easels?
Our easels?

Certainly.
On a glorious day like today,

there's nothing like
a good paint.

Good paint?

Well, you go right ahead.
We... We'll be there.

Well, uh, ahem,

you set up the easels.

Oh, easels. Yes.
Yes. Yes.

I had a counselor like that
when I was a kid in summer camp.

Eh... What happened?

The camp nurse sent him
home early.

KISKI:
Boys, painting time!

Easy.
Take it easy.

Where's Commander Kiski?

Uh, he's on a, uh...

nature hike, sir.

I'll call him for you.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

GENERAL:
Kiski?

This is General Powlett.

Oh, hello, General Powlett.
How are you, sir?

Lovely day, isn't it?

Uh...

Excuse me a moment, general.

Uh, Tony...
Yeah?

Yours is very good...

but your bunny's all wrong.

Your bunny should have

big, floppy ears and
a tiny, fluffy tail.

It's an elm tree.
Oh, yeah.

Heh. And a lovely
tree it is.

Uh, Roger, yours is
very good too.

I love yours. I love your
purple and yellow sky.

[LAUGHS]

Very excellent.

Heh.

Are you out of your mind?

Floppy ears and fluffy tail?

What did you do to Kiski?

Well, all I did was take him
notes from your mothers

to excuse you
from the exercises...

I... I don't want to
hear anymore.

Well, he did not even
read the notes.

All he did was talk about
his sweet, little old Aunt Effie

who used to make him
drink milk and...

And baked him blueberry pies.
And...

And you turned him
into his Aunt Effie?

Well, I only wanted to...

Yeah... Jeannie,
you shouldn't have interfered.

You can't...

I will not let him
work you so hard.

But you can't...
Right back to...

Hey, I didn't know
that Kiski had an Aunt Effie.

I thought his only relative

was the Creature from the
Black Lagoon.

Oh, funny.
That's funny.

Well, how about the monster
that stepped on Cincinnati?

[CHUCKLES] Roger.

All right, men, we're
nearing the drop zone.

This will be a survival exercise

under conditions of
maximum hazard.

Commander Kiski, would you
like to brief your men?

Please...

be careful.

For this exercise,

we have simulated a drop
into enemy territory.

The enemy has already
spotted this aircraft,

and from the moment you land,
they will be in pursuit.

Ohh! That's exciting.

Under no circumstances

will you permit yourselves
to be captured.

Is that clear?
Yes, sir.

Good luck, gentlemen.

Ready, sir.

All right.
Stand up. Hook up.

Ah.

KISKI:
Roger.

Button up your collar.

It's drafty outside.

Tony, are your
chute straps tight?

And for goodness' sake,
please, stand up straight.

[SENSOR BUZZES] Go!

Well, come on, Aunt Effie.

Here we go.
Jump.

[YELLS]

Aunt Effie?

He called him Aunt Effie.

Oh. Yes, sir.

It's a term we use
when we jump out of a plane.

Uh, like "Geronimo."

Aunt Effie!

Aunt Effie?

Any sign of Kiski?

Yes.

He parachuted right in
the middle of the enemy camp.

You're kidding.
Yeah.

And we're on the wrong side
of the river.

You mean we're in
enemy territory?

Yeah!

Jeannie!
Jeannie!

Hey.

[LAUGHS] Did someone call?

Oh. Jeannie.

Here. There's...

Jeannie, we are in
enemy territory.

They've got Kiski.

Do you have any idea what

they're gonna do to him at...
At headquarters

if he arrives
in his condition, huh?

Anyway, this whole area's
surrounded by enemy patrols.

Get us out of here, quick. Yeah.

Well, I thought you'd never ask.

They're gone.

Well, I had them spotted
for a moment, sir,

but they seem to
have disappeared.

Well I don't know, sir.

They were there just a moment
ago but, well, they're gone.

- Don't, sir.
- I...

TONY: We're back on the plane.

Yes. Now you can jump
on the right side of the river.

No. Jeannie,
don't you understand?

We've got to rescue Kiski.

We've got to get
to the other side of the...

Ahh!

Come on, Major Healey.

Hey, wait a minute.

You haven't got a parachute.

Yeah.
Yes. Isn't that exciting?

Aunt Effie!

[MOUTHS] Aunt Effie.

You sure?

Okay.

All right.

Sentry's spotted
two more parachutes

on this side of the river.

Uh, I'll cover this sector.

You blindfold the prisoner.
Take him to headquarters.

Untie me. I'll scratch
your eyes out!

Move.

The prisoner got away, sir.

Hop in.
We'll catch him.

They've been reported
where, general?

Right there.

But that's 30 miles
from the drop area.

It isn't possible.

Don't ask me
to explain it, doctor,

but I know that
they helped Kiski escape,

and somehow commandeered
an enemy vehicle.

Blue Squadron has got 'em
trapped in Box Canyon.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

General Powlett.

What?

Well, they've got to be there.

Are you sure?

They got out.

Now, how did Kiski do that?

But you said there was
no way out, sir.

There was one way.
Straight up.

Thanks for the ride, Jeannie.

Oh, You are
very welcome, master.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What are we gonna do
with our fearless leader?

Untie me, you rotten
boys. Untie me.

Blink him back to normal.

Oh, but master, he is so mean.

Yeah. Well,
I know that,

but I-it's
his career, Jeannie.

Go on. And you
blink out of here too.

Oh, no, master.
Go on.

I'm not kidding.

You never let me have any fun.

Jeannie?
[SCREAMS]

Ah!
[SCREAMS]

Hold on.
You untie him.

Take off his blindfold,
and I'll take this off.

[SCREAMS]

Whoa, maybe we better just

take off the blindfold.

Wait a minute.

You meatheaded, goldbricking,
jet jockeys!

I'm gonna break you...

Gee, sir. Uh, sir.
Can you walk?

Sure, I can walk!
What are you?

You got us through that survival
mission without a scratch.

Help him, Roger.
He's weak.

Who's weak?
I'll... The survival mission?

Yeah, you were an inspiration
to both of us.

Don't you remember, sir?

Well, of course
he doesn't remember.

He struck his head on that rock,
trying to save your life.

I did? On the survival
course?

Steady.
Whoa. Take it easy.

I'm perfectly all right.
I'm perfectly all right.

All right.
Just leave me alone.

Whoa.
Le... Let me down.

You and Healey?
On the survival course?

I did?

We'll tell you all about it

before General Powlett
gets here.

Okay. Okay. But just...
Just help me.

I... I don't
feel too good.

I don't know how you did it.

Your act is gonna
go down in history

as one of
the most heroic acts ever.

And so, gentlemen,
because of your miraculous,

and in my view,
highly suspicious success,

headquarters has decided to

abandon Commander Kiski's
program.

Abandon it, sir?

Well, if it were such a success,

why... Why do they want to
abandon it?

Because we feel that
you had already been

superbly conditioned
as astronauts.

Ah. N-no more
punishment.

Uh, from now on,
it's, uh, easy living, huh?

However, headquarters feels
that it's vital

to maintain your fine
conditioning.

And to that end,

they have assigned
a permanent physical instructor.

You soft-bellied
lounge lizards.

This is where I remove
the fat from your frame.

Right.
Put that down!

Now get moving.

What are you standing here for?

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Hut two, hut two, hut two.

Marshmallows.
Ho-ho.

You guys, move it!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[♪]