I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Second Greatest Con Artist in the World - full transcript
A con artist convinces Jeannie that a Hawaiian beach is covered in diamonds.
[♪]
[WHISPERS] Master. Oh! Uh...
Jeannie. Well...
What are you doing?
I'm trying to sneak out of here.
Oh. Are you trying to
get away from someone?
That's right, Jeannie.
Shh!
I will help you.
Who are you trying
to get away from?
[GIGGLES] You! [GASPS]
[♪]
[♪]
You mean you do not
want me to go with you?
Well, that's
the general idea, Jeannie.
Look, I have a very important
press conference, and...
well, I just don't want you
to attract any attention.
Why don't you go to D-Diamond
Head or something, huh?
Because I want to be with you.
I will not attract
any attention, master.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, come on.
Oh, I promise.
I will sit in a corner
like a small little mouse,
and no one will even know
I am there.
I'll know. I...
Look, I-
I don't have time to...
Look what you've done
to my papers.
I gotta collect all these...
Oh, I will get them
for you, master.
Uh...
Thank you.
[CHUCKLES]
Then I may go with you?
Well, I really don't
have a choice, do I?
Mm-mm.
Oh, brother.
TONY: Uh, good
morning, gentlemen.
Good morning, Major Nelson.
Major.
Uh, this is Miss Jeannie.
How do you do?
How do you do?
Why don't you tilt your hat
back a little, major,
and we'll get a few pictures.
JEANNIE: Oh, I will
stay in the corner
like a small little mouse.
Oh. Good girl.
Boy, that's an interesting pin.
It must be a copy
of the King Tut scarab.
A copy? Huh!
This is the original.
The original? Why, that's worth
a half million dollars.
Let's get this picture here.
PHOTOGRAPHER: A half a million dollars?
Is it true? Can't believe it.
Yes.
[♪]
TONY: "I will sit in the
corner like a little mouse..."
I am sorry, master.
[GRUNTS]
Jeannie, why did you have
to wear that pin?
I wanted to look nice for you.
Oh. I see.
Did that thing really cost
a half a million dollars?
I do not know.
King Tut did not say.
Did King Tut
really give you this?
Oh, yes.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, he was quite fond of me.
He was a very
nice man, you know.
Bit of an egomaniac.
I mean, most people
are satisfied
with a little tiny tombstone.
But King Tut had to have
the biggest in whole land,
the pyramid, a golden coffin...
I know. I know, I know.
I am sorry if
I upset you, master.
That's all right.
I guess I'm just
being overcautious.
[CHUCKLES] There's no harm done.
[GIGGLING] No, master.
[♪]
Excuse me.
[SNAPS TWICE]
I want you back here
in exactly 17 minutes.
Yes, Mr. Vanderhaven.
Don't keep me waiting.
No, Mr. Vanderhaven.
My name is Vanderhaven.
I'm looking for
Major Anthony Nelson.
Mr. Vanderhaven.
Yes.
It is a great pleasure
to have you in our hotel.
I hear that you never
come ashore, and it is such...
Stop fawning.
Where can I find Major Nelson?
He's on a beach terrace, sir.
Yeah.
I will be happy
to take you to...
I'll find him myself.
Phew.
Master, it is such
a beautiful day.
Why do we not go boating?
Well, for one reason,
I don't have a boat...
Major Nelson?
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
Forgive me for intruding.
My name is Vanderhaven.
Oh, yes, sir.
How do you do?
I...
I heard that you were
in Honolulu,
and I came to tell you
what a great honor it is
to have you with us.
Well, thank you.
Uh, this is Miss Jeannie.
How do you do?
Mister, uh...?
Vanderhaven.
Very glad to see you.
How do you do?
Well... Would you
join us?
Well, I'll only be a minute.
You know...
being in town
makes me very, very nervous.
Oh, where do you live?
On my yacht.
[GASPS] You have a yacht?
Yes.
And I was hoping
you'd come aboard
and have lunch with me today.
Of course you're invited too.
[GASPING] Oh!
Well, that's very kind of you,
but I do have a mission...
It's the least I can do
for one of our brave
young astronauts.
I'll have you picked up
about 1:00, okay?
One o'clock would be fine.
Are you enjoying yourself
on the island, uh, major?
Oh, yes, yes.
The islands are beautiful.
I'd like to have a little...
house on the beach, you know,
for vacation time.
Would you like a house
on the beach?
TONY:
Uh...
I'll buy one when
I can afford it, Jeannie.
Excuse my curiosity,
but I, uh...
I'm a collector
of antique jewelry.
Is that, uh...?
Is that scarab genuine?
Oh, yes.
King Tut gave it to...
To a friend of his in court.
It's lovely.
Thank you.
Well, I, uh... I guess
I'd better be going.
I'm expecting a call
from my London office,
I'll see you at lunch, major.
A pleasure meeting you, sir.
A pleasure meeting you too.
Thank you.
You found him!
Mr. Vanderhaven,
if there's anything...
Stop fawning.
TONY:
Oh, Mr. Chang.
Uh, pardon me.
Who is he?
Mr. Vanderhaven?
He's the richest man
in the world.
[SEA GULLS CAWING]
[SNAPS THREE TIMES]
Would you, uh, care to have
a little more pineapple?
Oh, no, thank you.
No, thanks.
I couldn't eat another bite.
This is certainly
a beautiful yacht.
I'm very, very glad you like it.
I keep my large yacht at Nassau.
Would you like to
have a beautiful yacht...?
No. No, Jeannie.
You know, you two are very,
very good friends, aren't you?
Oh, yes, I would do
anything for my...
Jeannie's very generous.
I admire that.
That's the trouble
with the world today.
People only think of themselves.
[BELL CHIMING]
Th...
Th... That must be my call
from my Brazil office.
Would you pardon me?
Certainly. Make
yourself comfortable.
All right!
[BELL CHIMING]
All right, all right.
Take care with the old man's
coat, he's gonna kill ya.
Oh, okay.
Drive me crazy.
Here. Here.
He's in a very bad mood today.
Isn't he always?
That miserable...
Working, working all the time.
All right, all right.
Calm, calm.
I look all right, Eddie?
Yeah, yeah.
His favorite. Here.
[EXHALES]
What the devil kept you?!
Oh, I-I've been preparing
your luncheon, Mr. Vanderhaven.
And I thought...
It's freezing in here.
No, it's very warm in here, sir.
You are contradicting me?
Oh. N-now that you
mention it, sir,
it is quite chilly in here.
Here's your luncheon, sir.
Ah, slop!
Slop! Slop!
I'm t... But...
I'm the richest man
in the world,
and all I can eat is slop
served me by incompetents.
Would you care to
have another one, sir?
No! I don't want
anything else.
All I want to do is get out
of this freezing climate.
Freezing, sir?
But we're in Hawaii.
Well, from all I've seen of it,
might as well be
in the South Pole.
Get me my wheelchair,
I'm going up on deck.
On deck? N-n-n-now,
sir?
Right now?
Is there any reason
I should not go on the deck
of my own yacht?
Well, no, I don't see
any reason to...
I'll...
I'll get your umbrella,
because there's
a cold rain falling.
Again?
Yes.
I'll stay in bed.
Whatever you say.
You sure you don't want
anything else?
No! I don't want
anything else!
Just get your stupid face
out of here. Out, out, out, out!
Out!
Yes, sir.
[♪]
I hope you know
what you're doing.
Have I ever let you down?
Well, there was the time...
Never mind.
Do you wanna work
for that cheap,
miserable millionaire
for the rest of your life?
Well, there are worse jobs.
Yeah?
Well, we're in his will.
What? For $10,000?
Well, that's a lot of money.
Chickenfeed, pal.
Chickenfeed.
Do you realize that he'll
outlive the both of us?
There's over a half a million
dollars ready to be taken.
But we'll never
get away with it.
That... That scarab
is too well-known.
Even if you steal it, you'll
never be able to get rid of it.
Do what? Steal it?!
Yeah.
Who's talking about stealing?
She's going to give it to us.
Why would she do that?
Because we're smarter
than she is.
Do you realize what we can do
with a half a million dollars?
Here we could invest it.
Yeah. Yachts.
Girls.
How much we got in the bank?
Twenty-five hundred dollars.
[SNAPS TWICE] Get it out.
What for?
Bait.
We're going into town
this afternoon
for three things:
A real-estate broker,
a jeweler and a lumberyard.
Real-estate broker...
a jeweler...
and a lumberyard?
I'm sorry I was detained,
but those overseas calls
are a nuisance, aren't they?
Well, it's a pleasant
place to get them.
And what would be
more pleasant is for me
to show you two
around Oahu tomorrow.
Oh! Oh, thank you, Mr.
Vanderhaven,
but I have quite a lot
of work to do tomorrow.
Oh, that's a pity.
Uh, are you free?
Am I free?
Well, uh...
I am free.
Oh, good, good.
I'll, uh...
I'll pick you up in the morning,
and I'll show you
around the islands.
Oh, thank you.
Well, thank you.
Believe me, major...
this is going to be
a rewarding experience.
[♪]
CHARLES:
Twenty-three, 24, 25.
The boys will never believe this, Mr.
Hinkey. Yeah?
May I ask what you
want this land for?
Is this in confidence?
Of course.
It's for the president's
anti-poverty program.
Oh.
[♪]
Uh, good morning, miss.
Good morning.
Uh, where shall
we go first, sir?
Oh, I am so excited.
I want to be taken everywhere.
Don't worry.
You'll be taken. Heh.
I told you to order
the large helicopter.
You mean you have more than one?
Yes, my dear, I have
a fleet of them. Heh.
Now make Jeannie comfortable,
take her into the helicopter.
Mr. Vanderhaven.
Yeah, that is correct.
I am Mr. Vanderhaven. Heh-heh.
How much is
a half-hour ride?
Fifty dollars.
Give me $11 worth.
Go ahead.
[♪]
JEANNIE:
Oh, look down there!
That is Diamond Head!
Is it not lovely?
[GASPS]
Oh! There is the Punchbowl.
I have seen pictures of it.
I wish Major Nelson were along.
Honolulu is so beautiful
from the air.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Are the guards off duty, Edward?
Uh. They...
They must be at lunch, sir.
All right.
Open the gate.
Open the gate.
Yes, sir.
And then I'll...
I'll help the lady down.
You help me down.
I'll help you down.
Step right this way, Jeannie.
Be very, very careful.
That's fine.
Walk right in here.
This is my pride and joy,
this piece of land.
Would you like to see it?
Oh, I would love to.
Well, fine. Let's go.
Why do all the signs say
"danger" and "keep off"?
Well... I'm afraid
I can't discuss it now.
Even with you.
Heh-heh.
[QUIETLY] Step right up.
[♪]
Oh! This is so wild
and beautiful!
Yes. It's
very relaxing. Heh-heh.
In fact, the real-estate broker
that I bought it from
told me that there's not another
beach like this on the island.
Oh, it would be a beautiful
place to build a home.
Oh, yes, indeed.
A great place for somebody
who wanted to rest.
Who wanted to get away
from all the...
The pressure of being
in space all the time.
Like Major Nelson.
Yes.
Like Major Nelson.
Oh. He would
adore this.
I'm sorry, dear,
it's not for sale.
Oh.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Look how white the sand is.
It is lovely.
Yeah, they... They don't make
sand like this anymore.
Isn't it beautiful?
Oh, yes.
All over.
Oh!
This looks like a diamond.
Shh!
Not so loud.
You mean it is a diamond?
You have stumbled on my secret.
This beach is full of diamonds.
I did not know they had
diamonds in Hawaii.
Sh. They do have
diamonds in Hawaii.
Why you think they
call this Diamond Head?
Oh.
Jeannie, look.
Look at that diamond.
[SQUEALS]
Oh. This is why
you have the...
The guards and the gate
and the signs...
Shh.
I was hoping
it wouldn't leak out.
I...
Oh. Look at
that color.
Eddie, have them clean
this beach.
EDDIE:
Yes, Mr. Vanderhaven.
This beach hasn't been
cleaned since yesterday.
The tide is so high,
it keeps washing
the diamonds ashore.
That is why you do not wish
to sell this land.
Well, I...
Like to say that
money isn't everything.
Jeannie, I...
I thought if it would make you
and Major Nelson very happy,
you could have the land,
I'd give it to you.
You are going to let me have it?
I'm tempted.
Oh! That would be won...
No good.
Why not?
Tsk. He will never allow me
to do anything for him.
Oh, my dear. This wouldn't
cost you anything.
It would not?
No. I'd give it
to you for free.
Sit right down.
Oh. Thank you.
That's fine, Jeannie.
Get the motor running.
Yes, Mr. Vanderhaven.
Now I'll show you how
the whole thing will work.
You pay for the land,
and you'll get your money
back on the diamonds.
That's how simple it is.
You are right.
That way it would not
cost anyone anything.
How much money would you
like for the land?
Ooh. I never
gave it a thought,
because money
doesn't mean anything...
That's a beautiful scarab
you're wearing.
[CHUCKLES] Oh.
Would you take the scarab
for the land?
I guess so,
if I was persuaded.
Oh, thank you!
Oh. Be careful.
It's the... The diamond.
There's another one there.
Oh.
No, no. Keep it,
keep it, dear.
There's more where
that came from.
Oh, Jeannie, I can just picture
Major Nelson relaxing
in the lanai of his beautiful
home that he'll build here.
Oh-ho-ho. Major Nelson
will be so thrilled.
Yeah.
We're all going
to be very thrilled. Heh.
Uh, here is the deed
to the land.
Oh, thank you!
The, uh...
[SNAPS ONCE]
Let's get the pin.
Oh. Oh, yes.
That's fine.
Everything legal
and above-board. Heh-heh.
Uh, what time is it?
It's quarter to 12, sir.
Quarter of 12.
We gotta be running along.
Let's... Come on.
[♪]
[BEEPING]
VANDERHAVEN:
Charles!
[WHISTLES] Oh, there you are.
Where have you been?
Eh...
Sightseeing.
You're smoking my cigar.
Yes, I am. It's
the last one I'm gonna smoke.
I can't stand
these crummy cigars.
What?
And I'm not crazy about you either.
Yeah...
You gone out of your...?
Have you lost your senses?
Is that any way
to talk to a sick man?
You're not sick.
You're a hypochondriac.
I've had five years
of cleaning up after you,
being yelled at,
watching you wheel and deal
and cheat people.
Well, let me tell you
something, Mr. Vanderhaven.
I've been doing a little
wheeling and dealing myself,
and I'm quitting!
You are not quitting,
you're fired!
Fired?
I had you in my will
for $10,000.
Peanuts, pal!
Peanuts.
I am raising it to $50,000!
Fifty thousand?
Then I'm cutting you
out of my will!
All right!
If you ever wanna sell this tub,
get in touch with me.
I may be
in the market. Heh.
Keep warm, you old crook.
[STAMMERING]
[♪]
Master.
Oh. Oh.
What is it?
Master, I have the most
exciting surprise for you.
Now I thought you were out
touring the island
with Mr. Vanderhaven.
You now own the most
beautiful beach in "Ohooha."
[CHUCKLES]
No, it's "Oahu."
And you are going to build
a beautiful home there
and sit under the palm trees,
and eat the coconuts
as they fall.
Mm, Jeannie, I told you,
whenever I wanted land
I'd buy it myself.
Oh, but you do not have
to buy it, master.
This land did not cost anything.
How'd you get it?
Hm. Oh, I was
very clever.
How'd you get it?
I was much smarter
than Mr. Vanderhaven.
And he is the richest man
in the whole world.
How'd you get it?
Hm. All I had to do was
to give him my scarab,
and he gave me that.
Two acres of sand for...
For a jewel worth
a half a million dollars?
Oh, but it is not
just sand, master.
It is covered with diamonds.
It's covered with diamonds?
Yes. Your land is full of them.
Hundreds are washed ashore
from the big volcano.
[CHUCKLES] And that is why
it is called Diamond Head.
Who told you that?
Mr. Vanderhaven.
Hm. I have really done it
this time, have I not, master?
[CHUCKLING] You sure have.
You've been taken
by the greatest con artist
in the world.
Con artist?
Yeah, Jeannie,
there aren't
any diamonds in Hawaii.
Oh, but you are wrong, master.
Heh. I picked these up
off your beach myself.
Oh, Jeannie. These are probably
just industrial diamonds
that he scattered on the bea...
You've been taken by
the oldest trick in the book.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
No!
Oh, my scarab.
Oh, King Tut will be
furious with me.
Yeah.
Well, I will call the police
and tell them
exactly what happened.
Yeah, listen, Jeannie,
uh, why don't you do that.
Uh, you call the police,
and they'll wanna know
who you are
and where you're from.
And you'll say you're a genie.
Yes.
And you come out of a bottle.
That is right.
And they'll put us all away.
But what shall I do, master?
Nothing.
Oh, but I must do some...
No, absolutely noth...
Maybe this will be
a lesson to you.
Tsk. Yes, master.
Mm. Well, you didn't
come off too badly.
I mean, you got
three diamonds out of it.
Yes. At least I got
the diamonds out of it.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
Well. I shall be running along.
Where you going?
[CHUCKLES]
[YAWNING] Oh, I... I
will take a nap.
I, uh, am very sleepy.
I always get sleepy
when I have been cheated.
Uh-huh.
Mr. Vanderhaven.
I'm...
I didn't see
you come in, Jeannie.
I wanted to speak to you
about our land.
Oh, no. You'll have to
talk to my lawyer.
Now, we...
We have an ironclad deal.
If you have any complaints...
I did not come here to complain.
I came here to thank you.
There isn't a court
in the world...
To thank me?
Yes! I have just come
from my beach.
You did not tell me
how large the diamonds were.
No. No.
CHARLES: They're diamonds.
They're diamonds.
They're real diamonds!
Yes. The tide keeps
washing them up on the shore
faster than the trucks
can take them away.
T... Trucks?
Truckloads of...
Of diamonds?
It was very generous of you.
Jeannie, you, uh...
You can't have that land.
Why not?
Because this...
There's a curse on it.
There's a curse of the ancient
gods of the volcanoes.
The Maman Doodan Dun curse.
Well, I...
I do not believe in curses.
Aw, y-you're a brave girl,
and I would never forgive myself
if I let anything happen to you.
Oh, but really...
Now don't argue.
We can't take any chances.
Now, I suggest one thing:
Just leave this here.
And here, you...
You take...
You take back
the scarab, huh? Heh.
Are you sure?
Sure? I'm positive.
And, uh...
Uh, Jeannie, give me the deed
to the land, please.
[MAGIC BOINGS]
There you are.
I'm rich.
I'm the richest man
in the world.
[LAUGHS]
Truckloads! Truckloads!
Enjoy yourself.
Oh.
You bet I will. I w...
Let's go. Let's go.
I... Eddie.
W-where's the scarab?
The what?
The scarab.
You're kidding.
What scarab?
You kidding, Eddie?
I gave back that half-
a-million-dollar trinket.
That scarab, ha-ha-ha-ha!
You what?
I gave it back.
Look at this, Eddie.
Look at this!
You know what this is?
Do you know what this is!?
Rock candy.
Sure, it's rock ca...
[♪]
Where will you be
sailing next, Mr. Vanderhaven?
Uh, Tahiti. I intend to
spend six months there.
Oh, if you happen to run
into Captain Bligh,
will you say hello for me?
[CHUCKLES] Jeannie.
Hello, Charles.
Hello, miss.
Yes, uh, ahem,
Charles is a terrible scoundrel,
but he's an excellent worker.
You know, I'm so thankful
that the Honolulu police
turned him over to me.
Impersonating someone else
is a prison offense,
isn't it, Charles?
Yes,
Mr. Vanderhaven.
But Charles likes living
the life of luxury.
Uh, don't you, Charles?
[QUIETLY] Yes, sir.
When you've cleared away
the dishes,
you can clean up the galley.
Yes, sir.
And then press
all of my clothes.
CHARLES:
Yes, sir.
After that, you can, uh...
You were wrong, master.
Yeah? About what?
You said he was the greatest
con artist in the world.
Yeah?
He is the second greatest.
[♪]
[♪]
[WHISPERS] Master. Oh! Uh...
Jeannie. Well...
What are you doing?
I'm trying to sneak out of here.
Oh. Are you trying to
get away from someone?
That's right, Jeannie.
Shh!
I will help you.
Who are you trying
to get away from?
[GIGGLES] You! [GASPS]
[♪]
[♪]
You mean you do not
want me to go with you?
Well, that's
the general idea, Jeannie.
Look, I have a very important
press conference, and...
well, I just don't want you
to attract any attention.
Why don't you go to D-Diamond
Head or something, huh?
Because I want to be with you.
I will not attract
any attention, master.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, come on.
Oh, I promise.
I will sit in a corner
like a small little mouse,
and no one will even know
I am there.
I'll know. I...
Look, I-
I don't have time to...
Look what you've done
to my papers.
I gotta collect all these...
Oh, I will get them
for you, master.
Uh...
Thank you.
[CHUCKLES]
Then I may go with you?
Well, I really don't
have a choice, do I?
Mm-mm.
Oh, brother.
TONY: Uh, good
morning, gentlemen.
Good morning, Major Nelson.
Major.
Uh, this is Miss Jeannie.
How do you do?
How do you do?
Why don't you tilt your hat
back a little, major,
and we'll get a few pictures.
JEANNIE: Oh, I will
stay in the corner
like a small little mouse.
Oh. Good girl.
Boy, that's an interesting pin.
It must be a copy
of the King Tut scarab.
A copy? Huh!
This is the original.
The original? Why, that's worth
a half million dollars.
Let's get this picture here.
PHOTOGRAPHER: A half a million dollars?
Is it true? Can't believe it.
Yes.
[♪]
TONY: "I will sit in the
corner like a little mouse..."
I am sorry, master.
[GRUNTS]
Jeannie, why did you have
to wear that pin?
I wanted to look nice for you.
Oh. I see.
Did that thing really cost
a half a million dollars?
I do not know.
King Tut did not say.
Did King Tut
really give you this?
Oh, yes.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, he was quite fond of me.
He was a very
nice man, you know.
Bit of an egomaniac.
I mean, most people
are satisfied
with a little tiny tombstone.
But King Tut had to have
the biggest in whole land,
the pyramid, a golden coffin...
I know. I know, I know.
I am sorry if
I upset you, master.
That's all right.
I guess I'm just
being overcautious.
[CHUCKLES] There's no harm done.
[GIGGLING] No, master.
[♪]
Excuse me.
[SNAPS TWICE]
I want you back here
in exactly 17 minutes.
Yes, Mr. Vanderhaven.
Don't keep me waiting.
No, Mr. Vanderhaven.
My name is Vanderhaven.
I'm looking for
Major Anthony Nelson.
Mr. Vanderhaven.
Yes.
It is a great pleasure
to have you in our hotel.
I hear that you never
come ashore, and it is such...
Stop fawning.
Where can I find Major Nelson?
He's on a beach terrace, sir.
Yeah.
I will be happy
to take you to...
I'll find him myself.
Phew.
Master, it is such
a beautiful day.
Why do we not go boating?
Well, for one reason,
I don't have a boat...
Major Nelson?
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
Forgive me for intruding.
My name is Vanderhaven.
Oh, yes, sir.
How do you do?
I...
I heard that you were
in Honolulu,
and I came to tell you
what a great honor it is
to have you with us.
Well, thank you.
Uh, this is Miss Jeannie.
How do you do?
Mister, uh...?
Vanderhaven.
Very glad to see you.
How do you do?
Well... Would you
join us?
Well, I'll only be a minute.
You know...
being in town
makes me very, very nervous.
Oh, where do you live?
On my yacht.
[GASPS] You have a yacht?
Yes.
And I was hoping
you'd come aboard
and have lunch with me today.
Of course you're invited too.
[GASPING] Oh!
Well, that's very kind of you,
but I do have a mission...
It's the least I can do
for one of our brave
young astronauts.
I'll have you picked up
about 1:00, okay?
One o'clock would be fine.
Are you enjoying yourself
on the island, uh, major?
Oh, yes, yes.
The islands are beautiful.
I'd like to have a little...
house on the beach, you know,
for vacation time.
Would you like a house
on the beach?
TONY:
Uh...
I'll buy one when
I can afford it, Jeannie.
Excuse my curiosity,
but I, uh...
I'm a collector
of antique jewelry.
Is that, uh...?
Is that scarab genuine?
Oh, yes.
King Tut gave it to...
To a friend of his in court.
It's lovely.
Thank you.
Well, I, uh... I guess
I'd better be going.
I'm expecting a call
from my London office,
I'll see you at lunch, major.
A pleasure meeting you, sir.
A pleasure meeting you too.
Thank you.
You found him!
Mr. Vanderhaven,
if there's anything...
Stop fawning.
TONY:
Oh, Mr. Chang.
Uh, pardon me.
Who is he?
Mr. Vanderhaven?
He's the richest man
in the world.
[SEA GULLS CAWING]
[SNAPS THREE TIMES]
Would you, uh, care to have
a little more pineapple?
Oh, no, thank you.
No, thanks.
I couldn't eat another bite.
This is certainly
a beautiful yacht.
I'm very, very glad you like it.
I keep my large yacht at Nassau.
Would you like to
have a beautiful yacht...?
No. No, Jeannie.
You know, you two are very,
very good friends, aren't you?
Oh, yes, I would do
anything for my...
Jeannie's very generous.
I admire that.
That's the trouble
with the world today.
People only think of themselves.
[BELL CHIMING]
Th...
Th... That must be my call
from my Brazil office.
Would you pardon me?
Certainly. Make
yourself comfortable.
All right!
[BELL CHIMING]
All right, all right.
Take care with the old man's
coat, he's gonna kill ya.
Oh, okay.
Drive me crazy.
Here. Here.
He's in a very bad mood today.
Isn't he always?
That miserable...
Working, working all the time.
All right, all right.
Calm, calm.
I look all right, Eddie?
Yeah, yeah.
His favorite. Here.
[EXHALES]
What the devil kept you?!
Oh, I-I've been preparing
your luncheon, Mr. Vanderhaven.
And I thought...
It's freezing in here.
No, it's very warm in here, sir.
You are contradicting me?
Oh. N-now that you
mention it, sir,
it is quite chilly in here.
Here's your luncheon, sir.
Ah, slop!
Slop! Slop!
I'm t... But...
I'm the richest man
in the world,
and all I can eat is slop
served me by incompetents.
Would you care to
have another one, sir?
No! I don't want
anything else.
All I want to do is get out
of this freezing climate.
Freezing, sir?
But we're in Hawaii.
Well, from all I've seen of it,
might as well be
in the South Pole.
Get me my wheelchair,
I'm going up on deck.
On deck? N-n-n-now,
sir?
Right now?
Is there any reason
I should not go on the deck
of my own yacht?
Well, no, I don't see
any reason to...
I'll...
I'll get your umbrella,
because there's
a cold rain falling.
Again?
Yes.
I'll stay in bed.
Whatever you say.
You sure you don't want
anything else?
No! I don't want
anything else!
Just get your stupid face
out of here. Out, out, out, out!
Out!
Yes, sir.
[♪]
I hope you know
what you're doing.
Have I ever let you down?
Well, there was the time...
Never mind.
Do you wanna work
for that cheap,
miserable millionaire
for the rest of your life?
Well, there are worse jobs.
Yeah?
Well, we're in his will.
What? For $10,000?
Well, that's a lot of money.
Chickenfeed, pal.
Chickenfeed.
Do you realize that he'll
outlive the both of us?
There's over a half a million
dollars ready to be taken.
But we'll never
get away with it.
That... That scarab
is too well-known.
Even if you steal it, you'll
never be able to get rid of it.
Do what? Steal it?!
Yeah.
Who's talking about stealing?
She's going to give it to us.
Why would she do that?
Because we're smarter
than she is.
Do you realize what we can do
with a half a million dollars?
Here we could invest it.
Yeah. Yachts.
Girls.
How much we got in the bank?
Twenty-five hundred dollars.
[SNAPS TWICE] Get it out.
What for?
Bait.
We're going into town
this afternoon
for three things:
A real-estate broker,
a jeweler and a lumberyard.
Real-estate broker...
a jeweler...
and a lumberyard?
I'm sorry I was detained,
but those overseas calls
are a nuisance, aren't they?
Well, it's a pleasant
place to get them.
And what would be
more pleasant is for me
to show you two
around Oahu tomorrow.
Oh! Oh, thank you, Mr.
Vanderhaven,
but I have quite a lot
of work to do tomorrow.
Oh, that's a pity.
Uh, are you free?
Am I free?
Well, uh...
I am free.
Oh, good, good.
I'll, uh...
I'll pick you up in the morning,
and I'll show you
around the islands.
Oh, thank you.
Well, thank you.
Believe me, major...
this is going to be
a rewarding experience.
[♪]
CHARLES:
Twenty-three, 24, 25.
The boys will never believe this, Mr.
Hinkey. Yeah?
May I ask what you
want this land for?
Is this in confidence?
Of course.
It's for the president's
anti-poverty program.
Oh.
[♪]
Uh, good morning, miss.
Good morning.
Uh, where shall
we go first, sir?
Oh, I am so excited.
I want to be taken everywhere.
Don't worry.
You'll be taken. Heh.
I told you to order
the large helicopter.
You mean you have more than one?
Yes, my dear, I have
a fleet of them. Heh.
Now make Jeannie comfortable,
take her into the helicopter.
Mr. Vanderhaven.
Yeah, that is correct.
I am Mr. Vanderhaven. Heh-heh.
How much is
a half-hour ride?
Fifty dollars.
Give me $11 worth.
Go ahead.
[♪]
JEANNIE:
Oh, look down there!
That is Diamond Head!
Is it not lovely?
[GASPS]
Oh! There is the Punchbowl.
I have seen pictures of it.
I wish Major Nelson were along.
Honolulu is so beautiful
from the air.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Are the guards off duty, Edward?
Uh. They...
They must be at lunch, sir.
All right.
Open the gate.
Open the gate.
Yes, sir.
And then I'll...
I'll help the lady down.
You help me down.
I'll help you down.
Step right this way, Jeannie.
Be very, very careful.
That's fine.
Walk right in here.
This is my pride and joy,
this piece of land.
Would you like to see it?
Oh, I would love to.
Well, fine. Let's go.
Why do all the signs say
"danger" and "keep off"?
Well... I'm afraid
I can't discuss it now.
Even with you.
Heh-heh.
[QUIETLY] Step right up.
[♪]
Oh! This is so wild
and beautiful!
Yes. It's
very relaxing. Heh-heh.
In fact, the real-estate broker
that I bought it from
told me that there's not another
beach like this on the island.
Oh, it would be a beautiful
place to build a home.
Oh, yes, indeed.
A great place for somebody
who wanted to rest.
Who wanted to get away
from all the...
The pressure of being
in space all the time.
Like Major Nelson.
Yes.
Like Major Nelson.
Oh. He would
adore this.
I'm sorry, dear,
it's not for sale.
Oh.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Look how white the sand is.
It is lovely.
Yeah, they... They don't make
sand like this anymore.
Isn't it beautiful?
Oh, yes.
All over.
Oh!
This looks like a diamond.
Shh!
Not so loud.
You mean it is a diamond?
You have stumbled on my secret.
This beach is full of diamonds.
I did not know they had
diamonds in Hawaii.
Sh. They do have
diamonds in Hawaii.
Why you think they
call this Diamond Head?
Oh.
Jeannie, look.
Look at that diamond.
[SQUEALS]
Oh. This is why
you have the...
The guards and the gate
and the signs...
Shh.
I was hoping
it wouldn't leak out.
I...
Oh. Look at
that color.
Eddie, have them clean
this beach.
EDDIE:
Yes, Mr. Vanderhaven.
This beach hasn't been
cleaned since yesterday.
The tide is so high,
it keeps washing
the diamonds ashore.
That is why you do not wish
to sell this land.
Well, I...
Like to say that
money isn't everything.
Jeannie, I...
I thought if it would make you
and Major Nelson very happy,
you could have the land,
I'd give it to you.
You are going to let me have it?
I'm tempted.
Oh! That would be won...
No good.
Why not?
Tsk. He will never allow me
to do anything for him.
Oh, my dear. This wouldn't
cost you anything.
It would not?
No. I'd give it
to you for free.
Sit right down.
Oh. Thank you.
That's fine, Jeannie.
Get the motor running.
Yes, Mr. Vanderhaven.
Now I'll show you how
the whole thing will work.
You pay for the land,
and you'll get your money
back on the diamonds.
That's how simple it is.
You are right.
That way it would not
cost anyone anything.
How much money would you
like for the land?
Ooh. I never
gave it a thought,
because money
doesn't mean anything...
That's a beautiful scarab
you're wearing.
[CHUCKLES] Oh.
Would you take the scarab
for the land?
I guess so,
if I was persuaded.
Oh, thank you!
Oh. Be careful.
It's the... The diamond.
There's another one there.
Oh.
No, no. Keep it,
keep it, dear.
There's more where
that came from.
Oh, Jeannie, I can just picture
Major Nelson relaxing
in the lanai of his beautiful
home that he'll build here.
Oh-ho-ho. Major Nelson
will be so thrilled.
Yeah.
We're all going
to be very thrilled. Heh.
Uh, here is the deed
to the land.
Oh, thank you!
The, uh...
[SNAPS ONCE]
Let's get the pin.
Oh. Oh, yes.
That's fine.
Everything legal
and above-board. Heh-heh.
Uh, what time is it?
It's quarter to 12, sir.
Quarter of 12.
We gotta be running along.
Let's... Come on.
[♪]
[BEEPING]
VANDERHAVEN:
Charles!
[WHISTLES] Oh, there you are.
Where have you been?
Eh...
Sightseeing.
You're smoking my cigar.
Yes, I am. It's
the last one I'm gonna smoke.
I can't stand
these crummy cigars.
What?
And I'm not crazy about you either.
Yeah...
You gone out of your...?
Have you lost your senses?
Is that any way
to talk to a sick man?
You're not sick.
You're a hypochondriac.
I've had five years
of cleaning up after you,
being yelled at,
watching you wheel and deal
and cheat people.
Well, let me tell you
something, Mr. Vanderhaven.
I've been doing a little
wheeling and dealing myself,
and I'm quitting!
You are not quitting,
you're fired!
Fired?
I had you in my will
for $10,000.
Peanuts, pal!
Peanuts.
I am raising it to $50,000!
Fifty thousand?
Then I'm cutting you
out of my will!
All right!
If you ever wanna sell this tub,
get in touch with me.
I may be
in the market. Heh.
Keep warm, you old crook.
[STAMMERING]
[♪]
Master.
Oh. Oh.
What is it?
Master, I have the most
exciting surprise for you.
Now I thought you were out
touring the island
with Mr. Vanderhaven.
You now own the most
beautiful beach in "Ohooha."
[CHUCKLES]
No, it's "Oahu."
And you are going to build
a beautiful home there
and sit under the palm trees,
and eat the coconuts
as they fall.
Mm, Jeannie, I told you,
whenever I wanted land
I'd buy it myself.
Oh, but you do not have
to buy it, master.
This land did not cost anything.
How'd you get it?
Hm. Oh, I was
very clever.
How'd you get it?
I was much smarter
than Mr. Vanderhaven.
And he is the richest man
in the whole world.
How'd you get it?
Hm. All I had to do was
to give him my scarab,
and he gave me that.
Two acres of sand for...
For a jewel worth
a half a million dollars?
Oh, but it is not
just sand, master.
It is covered with diamonds.
It's covered with diamonds?
Yes. Your land is full of them.
Hundreds are washed ashore
from the big volcano.
[CHUCKLES] And that is why
it is called Diamond Head.
Who told you that?
Mr. Vanderhaven.
Hm. I have really done it
this time, have I not, master?
[CHUCKLING] You sure have.
You've been taken
by the greatest con artist
in the world.
Con artist?
Yeah, Jeannie,
there aren't
any diamonds in Hawaii.
Oh, but you are wrong, master.
Heh. I picked these up
off your beach myself.
Oh, Jeannie. These are probably
just industrial diamonds
that he scattered on the bea...
You've been taken by
the oldest trick in the book.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
No!
Oh, my scarab.
Oh, King Tut will be
furious with me.
Yeah.
Well, I will call the police
and tell them
exactly what happened.
Yeah, listen, Jeannie,
uh, why don't you do that.
Uh, you call the police,
and they'll wanna know
who you are
and where you're from.
And you'll say you're a genie.
Yes.
And you come out of a bottle.
That is right.
And they'll put us all away.
But what shall I do, master?
Nothing.
Oh, but I must do some...
No, absolutely noth...
Maybe this will be
a lesson to you.
Tsk. Yes, master.
Mm. Well, you didn't
come off too badly.
I mean, you got
three diamonds out of it.
Yes. At least I got
the diamonds out of it.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
Well. I shall be running along.
Where you going?
[CHUCKLES]
[YAWNING] Oh, I... I
will take a nap.
I, uh, am very sleepy.
I always get sleepy
when I have been cheated.
Uh-huh.
Mr. Vanderhaven.
I'm...
I didn't see
you come in, Jeannie.
I wanted to speak to you
about our land.
Oh, no. You'll have to
talk to my lawyer.
Now, we...
We have an ironclad deal.
If you have any complaints...
I did not come here to complain.
I came here to thank you.
There isn't a court
in the world...
To thank me?
Yes! I have just come
from my beach.
You did not tell me
how large the diamonds were.
No. No.
CHARLES: They're diamonds.
They're diamonds.
They're real diamonds!
Yes. The tide keeps
washing them up on the shore
faster than the trucks
can take them away.
T... Trucks?
Truckloads of...
Of diamonds?
It was very generous of you.
Jeannie, you, uh...
You can't have that land.
Why not?
Because this...
There's a curse on it.
There's a curse of the ancient
gods of the volcanoes.
The Maman Doodan Dun curse.
Well, I...
I do not believe in curses.
Aw, y-you're a brave girl,
and I would never forgive myself
if I let anything happen to you.
Oh, but really...
Now don't argue.
We can't take any chances.
Now, I suggest one thing:
Just leave this here.
And here, you...
You take...
You take back
the scarab, huh? Heh.
Are you sure?
Sure? I'm positive.
And, uh...
Uh, Jeannie, give me the deed
to the land, please.
[MAGIC BOINGS]
There you are.
I'm rich.
I'm the richest man
in the world.
[LAUGHS]
Truckloads! Truckloads!
Enjoy yourself.
Oh.
You bet I will. I w...
Let's go. Let's go.
I... Eddie.
W-where's the scarab?
The what?
The scarab.
You're kidding.
What scarab?
You kidding, Eddie?
I gave back that half-
a-million-dollar trinket.
That scarab, ha-ha-ha-ha!
You what?
I gave it back.
Look at this, Eddie.
Look at this!
You know what this is?
Do you know what this is!?
Rock candy.
Sure, it's rock ca...
[♪]
Where will you be
sailing next, Mr. Vanderhaven?
Uh, Tahiti. I intend to
spend six months there.
Oh, if you happen to run
into Captain Bligh,
will you say hello for me?
[CHUCKLES] Jeannie.
Hello, Charles.
Hello, miss.
Yes, uh, ahem,
Charles is a terrible scoundrel,
but he's an excellent worker.
You know, I'm so thankful
that the Honolulu police
turned him over to me.
Impersonating someone else
is a prison offense,
isn't it, Charles?
Yes,
Mr. Vanderhaven.
But Charles likes living
the life of luxury.
Uh, don't you, Charles?
[QUIETLY] Yes, sir.
When you've cleared away
the dishes,
you can clean up the galley.
Yes, sir.
And then press
all of my clothes.
CHARLES:
Yes, sir.
After that, you can, uh...
You were wrong, master.
Yeah? About what?
You said he was the greatest
con artist in the world.
Yeah?
He is the second greatest.
[♪]
[♪]