I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 3, Episode 26 - Haven't I Seen Me Someplace Before? - full transcript

Its Roger's birthday and Jeannie decides to grant him what he's always wanted, a wish. Unfortunately, instead of wishing for something extravagant like a new car or lots of money, he mistakenly blurts out that he wishes that he could change places with Tony, who will be going into space the next day. Now Jeannie and Tony must try to find Roger before he takes Tony's place on the mission.

[♪]

Mmm. That's delicious.
Sensational, Jeannie.

Well, it was just a little thing
I blinked up.

I'm gonna have "thirdsies"
on this.

Mmm, mmm.
Oh, uh, Roge.

Aw, come on.
This is the time.

Not presents.
Come on, come on.

Aw, you're embarrassing me.

Every birthday you have to...
It's... Oh...

Mmm.

Aw, a watch!



Aw, Tony, you shouldn't have.

Well, it's not...
Look at that.

Now you don't have any excuse
for keeping your dates waiting.

It's a beautiful watch, really.

And here is a little gift
from me. Happy birthday!

Oh, Jeannie, you shouldn't have.

[CHUCKLES]
Let me try... Oh-ho-ho!

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

Here.

Oh! How...

There's nothing in it.
It's... It's an empty box.

Oh, no, no.
Anything is inside.

I did not know what to get you

so I wrapped up a wish for you.



You mean, I'm going to get
my own honest-to-goodness wish?

[GIGGLES]

Yes, all you have to do is ask
and you shall receive.

Oh, and to think
I thought it was just

a plain, ordinary, empty box.

Well, Jeannie and I
talked it over,

and we thought
she might give you a...

Kind of an Arabian Nights'
gift certificate.

[ALL LAUGH]

Well, I'm gonna hold on to it.

Aw. Well, it gives me pleasure
to give you pleasure.

Mmm. Well, now, I
must do the dishes.

Hm? Aw... Wait!
Whoa!

Now, hold it, hold it!

Tsk.
[LAUGHS]

Well, at least you don't have
to worry about leftovers.

Hey, this is one gift
I'll never have to return.

I'll never wanna return it.

Oh, Roger, look,
I've had a lot of experience

with wishes,
and you gotta be very careful

with what you do with it.

Now, wait a minute.

Oh, that's easy for you to say.
Yeah.

I mean, you wished to fly
Trailblazer 1 and you got it.

How 'bout me?

I'm the one
who should be envious.

I mean, I'm just
on the backup team.

Boy, I'd sure like
to trade places with you.

Yeah.

Good night, Tony.
Good night, Roge.

[♪]

[♪]

[WHISTLING]

[TONY'S VOICE] Jeannie? How
'bout a cup of coffee?

JEANNIE:
Yes, master, coming up.

[GRUNTS]

Over here, Jeannie.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

I did not know
you wished a cup too.

I'm the one
who asked for the cup.

Oh, no, I distinctly
heard my master.

[CHUCKLING] Oh.

That is a very good trick,
master.

What trick?
[SQUEALS]

The way my master throws
his voice, Major Healey.

Jeannie,
what are you talking about?

Major Healey just left.

Oh...

[LAUGHS]

What's so funny?

Oh. Oh...

[LAUGHS] What's so funny?

Oh, that is funny.

Oh, come, master.
I will show you.

Wait a minute.

[GIGGLING]

[♪]

Jeannie, what's Roger's
reflection doing in my mirror?

[CHUCKLES]

That is not his reflection
any longer, master.

It is yours.

Mine?

I am very much afraid

that Major Healey
is now occupying your body.

And you...

[CHUCKLES]
...are occupying his.

Well, if that isn't
the silliest thing

I've ever heard
in my whole life.

I mean, how could Roger be...?

[CHUCKLES]

Wait a minute.
Don't tell me.

He wished that he could
change places with me

because of the Trailblazer 1
flight?

[LAUGHS] Is it not exciting?

Oh, I'm thrilled down to my...

Down to Roger's toes.

Now you just unthrill me
and give me my body back.

It may not be...
I may not be an Adonis,

but it's the only body I have
and I'm used to it.

Oh, I cannot.
I gave it as a gift.

Well, if you can turn me
into a Roger and Roger into me,

well, just turn yourself
into an exchange counter.

Department stores
do it every day.

It should be a breeze for you.

Oh, but, master, genies can...

Once they grant a wish,
they cannot take it back.

Oh, when I get my hands
on that Roger, I'm going to...

What am I saying?

With him in my body,

I might be killing
an innocent man.

How do you get me
into these things?

[LAUGHS]
Jeannie, it's not funny.

Oh...

[♪]

Hello, Major Nelson.

[ROGER'S VOICE] Oh, Healey.

Pardon me.

Healey.
I'm Major Healey.

Oh, major,
you and your sense of humor.

You're marvelous.

Heh. You know that impersonation
of Major Healey's voice

you're doing is very good.

Impersonation?

Oh, I've got a great idea.

You must do this
at the NASA Follies next month.

You'll be sensational.

Uh, Mrs. Bellows, uh, eh,
you feeling all right?

Why, yes, Major Nelson, I feel
perfectly fine. Thank you.

Uh, Healey.

Major Nelson has s-small eyes
and less hair.

Oh.
We don't look at all alike.

Of course not. Heh.

How silly of me.

Major Nelson doesn't live here.

No. I do.

I just come from Tony's place.

We had a party.
It's my birthday.

Oh,

look at the wild present
they ga...

May I see?

No, you wouldn't be interested.

Uh, may I see it, please?

Oh, well, no, it...
It's not...

I love to look at presents.

[LAUGHS]

It's very nice.

Should look very well on you.

Wear it in good health.

Good night.

Poor woman.

To think her husband's
a psychiatrist.

Jeannie, I've got to fly
Trailblazer 1.

I've been trained for it.
I've been briefed for it.

Now you've got
to straighten this thing out.

Besides, I'm not so crazy
about wearing this face.

Well, I do not know
what I can do about it, master.

It is out of my hands.

Only Major Healey
can take back his wish.

You mean Roger has the power
to call this thing off?

Mm-hm.
Well, uh...

Well, why didn't you say so?

[PHONE RINGING
INSIDE APARTMENT]

I'm coming.

These aren't my keys.

I'm coming. I...

These aren't my keys.

I must've left my keys
at Tony's.

Oh...

[LINE RINGING]

Ugh.

Maybe he's
at the Officers' Club.

Let's go see if he's there, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Hurry.
Hurry, Jeannie.

[♪]

You say he insisted
he was Major Healey?

He not only insisted upon it,
dear, but he kept doing

that imitation
of Major Healey's voice.

Of course I went along with it,

even though he wasn't half
as good as I said he was.

You know,
I was actually terrified.

Oh, it was probably some sort
of a prank. A joke.

Well, I don't think
it's very funny.

Especially when he kept trying
to keep me from looking

into that empty box
that he was carrying.

Empty box?
Yes, darling.

He said that it was
a birthday present

from Major Nelson, an empty box.

Really, dear, do you think
it's safe to have men like that

roaming about the skies
all by themselves?

Mmm.

No answer
at Major Healey's apartment.

I think perhaps I'd better
drop in on Major Nelson

and see what this is all about.

I have a feeling it's going
to be one of those nights.

Uh, where are the keys
to the car?

Oh, I left them
in the ignition, dear.

Oh, good. Well...

see you later, hon.

I, uh, won't be late.

Good night.

[SIGHS]

[LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]

Good night, sir.

Joe, have you seen Major Healey?

You're Major Healey.

That's right.

Have you seen Major Nelson?

Oh, just one moment, sir,
I'll check.

Are you sure he hasn't been
around here this evening?

You... Your voice,

it sounds an awful lot
like Major Nelson's.

[HOARSELY] Oh, well, I got
a little laryngitis. Ahem.

Uh... good night, Joe.
Let's go, Jeannie.

Roger!

Where's Roger?

You could say hello, baby.
Hello, baby.

Aren't you going to introduce me
to your... friend?

Oh, Jeannie, this is, uh...

Ugh!

The other night
I was the only girl

in the world for you.

And tonight I'm...
I'm "Uh"?

I'm "Uh," huh?

Happy splashdown,
Astronaut Healey.

Roger certainly has
some interesting girlfriends.

Let's go, Jeannie.

Tony! Tony?

Oh, tsk.

Oh, good evening, major.

Oh, good evening,
Dr. Bellows.

Just getting some fresh air?

Uh, I'm waiting
for Major Nelson.

You're waiting for Major Nelson.

Yes, uh... I...
He's not at home.

He... He has an extra key
to my apartment,

and, uh, I was waiting
for them...

For him to come back.

Oh, tell me, uh,

when did you first notice
that, uh,

Major Nelson was gone?

When I got here.
When else?

Yes. Uh, when else?

Uh, shall we go?

Go, Dr. Bellows?

Yes, I, uh...
I'd like you to return

to the medical center with me,

seeing that the, uh,
Trailblazer 1 flight

is set for tomorrow.

Um, I'd like to check out
a few things with you.

Uh, shall we?

Bu... But...

[SIGHS]

But, master,
there are many other places.

Major Healey may have gone to.

Mmm, with all of his women
floating around

and a glass of water
from each of 'em,

I might drown
before the evening is over.

If there was just some other way
we could find him.

If we just had some idea
where he might be.

An excellent idea.

Oh... Oh, master,
I know just the thing!

[♪]

What is that?

A bloodhound, master.
He is most efficient.

A bloodhound?
You got me a bloodhound?

If you think
that I'm so desperate

that I'm gonna use
a bloodhound...

Come on. Come on, boy.
Sic him. Go get him!

Come on, boy. Come on.
Go get Roger.

Go get him. Sic him.
Sic him, boy!

[DOG BARKING]

Now, boy, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You don't understand.
Whoa, whoa.

You don't understand.
I'm... I'm...

I'm Tony. You see,
I'm in Major Nelson's body.

You see, we...
We changed bodies.

We have the same faces,
but it's a different mind.

What are you looking at?

Now, come on.
Let's go get him, okay?

Oh, yeah. Look at the picture.
Recognize him?

Dark hair, okay?
That's it. Get the picture?

All right, good.
Here, let's go. Come on.

Come on. Come on, boy.
Come on. Get him, boy!

Get him!

Yeah.
It's him all right.

Aw, then you do admit
that is Major Nelson you see,

right, Major Nelson?

Major Healey.

Then why do you look
so much like Major Nelson?

I can't, for the life of me,
explain it, sir.

Major, uh, I think
you've been working too hard

preparing for tomorrow's flight.

Oh, no... Major Nelson's
going up in the flight, sir.

Uh, Major Nelson.

I was just talking to him
a couple of hours ago.

And I told him how I'd like...

I wished that I...
Oh... Oh... Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh...

Yes? You say you were talking
to Major Nelson?

Mmm, no, sir, I couldn't be
talking to Major Nelson.

I'm Major Nelson.

Then you admit
that you're Major Nelson?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir, I do.
I'm... I'm...

As a matter of fact,
I could say positively,

uh, positively.

Then why do you sound
so much like Major Healey?

Uh, well, let's put it
this way, Dr. Bellows:

Whoever I am,
I'm not myself today.

[SIGHING] Oh.

[♪]

[BARKS]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]
[BARKING]

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

[BARKING]

[YELLING]

Oh!

[BARKING]

[BARKING]

Oh!

[BARKING]

Oh!

[BOTH YELLING]

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪]

[QUIETLY] Okay.

Here are the major's clothes.
Oh, fine, nurse.

Just put them in the closet
until he's released.

Yes, doctor.

[TONY YELLING]

[NURSES SCREAM]
[DOG BARKING]

BELLOWS:
Nurse!

Stop it!

[BELLOWS AND NURSE SHOUTING
INDISTINCTLY]

[CRASH]

[BELLOWS GRUNTING]

Nurse? Nurse?
Are you all right?

[PANTING] What happened?

Nurse, you're out of uniform.

[GIGGLING] Oh.

Let's pull ourselves together,
nurse.

Oh... Oh, excuse me.

Oh. Ooh!

[GROWLING]

TONY: Here, boy. Here.
Come here.

JEANNIE: Come on, puppy.
Oh, there he is.

What are you doing?
Hello, puppy.

What are you do...?

[GASPS]

We have found him.

BELLOWS:
Major Healey!

BELLOWS: Major! Oh!

[WHISTLING]

Major Healey, what's the idea

of charging into this hospital
with that dog?

What dog, sir?
That dog!

[CHUCKLING] Oh, that dog, sir.

Well, it's, uh...
It's hard to explain.

Oh, nonsense!

There's any reasonable exp...

You've got Major Nelson's voice.

Two bi-schizoid personalities
in one day?

Oh, no.

Yes.

Thank you very much, nurse.
You're welcome.

This is, uh...
Why, it's incredible.

I never heard of anything
like this before.

You say that each one thinks
and sounds like the other one?

Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, good morning, nurse.

How are ya, nurse...?

What nurse?

Uh, you... You see, general,
um, the human mind is,

uh, capable of, uh,
untold fantasies.

[SIGHS]

Jeannie, I was wondering
where you've been.

Do you realize the spot
you've gotten Roger and I into?

Oh, yes, master.

Dr. Bellows is on his way here

right now with the general.

I think his name is Peterson.

Oh, no.

Patterson?

He intends to show him
both you and Major Healey.

You mean Roger's here?

Yes, master.

Well, find him.
Get him.

Oh, yes. I will.

Oh...

Oh... Oh... Oh, Tony.
Oh, boy! Am I glad to see you!

Oh!

How's my body?

Oh, your body's fine.

Just the way you left it.
How's mine?

Well, except for a few bruises,
it'll do.

It'll do? Yeah...
What kind of crack is that?

That happens to be
a perfect physical specimen.

Master, Major Healey,
please do not argue.

Dr. Bellows is on his way now,
with the general.

General?
Peterson.

Dr. Bellows is bringing him
over here to look at us.

Oh, boy, you better take back
that wish and right now.

Take back what wish?

The wish that got me
into this mess!

That mess you're referring to
is my body!

If you wanna try out a mess,
try something like this.

This is no time to quibble.

I mean, that's the only way
we can get back into our own.

Either that or we wait...
Well, what's wrong with my wish?

What's wrong with it?
What's wrong with my wish?

Roger...

you give me back my body.

As soon as I come down
from Trailblazer 1,

I'll give you your body back
and good riddance.

Master, Major Healey, please!

I'm master, that's Major Healey.

Oh! Oh, even I am confused.
Oh!

BELLOWS:
Here we are, general.

This is the room
I put Major Healey in.

All right, Dr. Bellows,
let's find out

what this is all about.

ROGER:
Come in.

I'll show you
what I mean, general.

Good morning, Major Healey.

Dr. Bellows,
General Peterson.

How you feeling?

Fine, sir.
Fit as a fiddle.

That's Major Healey.

You have anything wrong
with your throat?

Uh, no, sir.
I...

I don't know why I'm here.

[♪]

But... But, general,
I was...

absolutely positive,
I... I...

You're certain
there's nothing wrong, Tony?

TONY:
Not a thing, sir.

Can't understand why Dr. Bellows
insists I'm Major Healey.

But up to now you sounded
like Major Healey.

You look like Major Nelson,
but you certainly sounded like...

Oh, I don't think
I'm feeling too well.

Better get your clothes on,
Tony.

Are you gonna be ready
for that scheduled flight?

TONY:
Yes, sir!

General Peterson.

All right.

[♪]

Bu...

TONY [LAUGHING]:
Oh, boy.

Not a bad ventriloquist act
for this...

For this old body, huh?

Would you stop calling
this old body "this old body"?

It's my old body.
Just...

Well, if you like it so much,

why don't you take back
your wish?

I'm going on that flight
tomorrow.

Oh, no, you're not.

If you do,
I'm gonna tell Dr. Bellows

and blow the whistle
on the whole thing.

You wouldn't do that.
Oh, wouldn't I? Jeannie.

Take me to them right now.

And that's an order.
Yes, master!

ROGER: Wait a minute.
You wouldn't do that.

If you did that,
neither one of us could go.

That's right.

All right, I take back my wish.

You mean it?

Yes, I mean it.
I take back my wish.

Honest?
Honest!

Aw, good boy, Roge!

[GROANS]

Master? Master!
Oh, my darling!

[NORMAL VOICE] Is it me?

Yes, it is you!
It's me! Old Tony!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, I knew you could do it.

He's hurt himself.

[NORMAL VOICE] It's me.

Huh? Roge!
You all right?

Yeah.
[LAUGHS]

[♪]

MAN:
Launching missile...

[MEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

MAN 2:
Liftoff.

MAN [OVER TV]:
Uh, status check, Azusa.

MAN 2:
Azusa, go.

MAN: Novak.
MAN 2: Novak is go.

MAN: Beacon.
MAN 2: Beacon, go.

MAN:
JTL.

Uh, telemeter quality.

[MAN 2 SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
MAN: Go.

Good transmission
on that frequency.

Blood pressure is normal.

Psi is 16.4.

Five, six, seven,
I'm locking in at seven.

There but for the grace
of a wish, go I.

Well, what about my present?

What present, Major Healey?

Well, I gave up my wish.

Don't I get another
in its place?

Oh, well, I... I suppose
that would only be fair.

Yes, you may have another wish.

Anything I want?
Anything you want.

Okay.
Oh, wait a minute!

Hmm? Wait. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Oh.

[EXHALES]

Ready?
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Major Healey?

What are you doing here?

It's my exchange wish.
Brought you an orange.

Tsk.

[♪]