I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 3, Episode 22 - Divorce, Genie Style - full transcript

[♪]

TONY:
Jeannie!

I'm ready for breakfast.

Ah. Good morning,
Jeannie.

Good morning, master.

Beautiful.

How was your dinner party at...

At the Bellow" last night?

Ho-ho. Wonderful,
wonderful.

I wish I could have taken you.

I tell you...



what a cook.

Thank you.

She must have learned
to cook in Paris.

Ooh, is she a...

A better cook than I am?

Mm. Well, it's not
the same.

She cooks all her own meals.
So she didn't...

You just...

you know, blink.

I see.

Remarkable woman,
Mrs. Bellows.

She cooks all his dinners...

cleans his clothes...

irons his shirts.



Yeah, yeah, he's
a very lucky man.

Why, I'm sorry if
you have been suffering.

How did we get into this?

You attacked me.

No, I didn't attack you.

All I was doing is
praising Mrs. Bellows.

That is what I said.
You attacked me.

I am sure that even if
I were not a genie,

I could do all these things
better than she can.

I'm sure you could, Jeannie.
I'm sure you could.

But we'll never know, will we?

Morning.
Good morning, Tony.

Hi, Roge.

Good morning, Jeannie.

Good morning, Major Healey.

Would you care
for some breakfast?

No, thank you.

I'm still stuffed
from last night.

That meal was something,
wasn't it?

Fair.

Fair? That was one of
the greatest meals

I ever had in my whole life.

What a housekeeper.
Mrs. Bellows...

We're a little late.

We better get to the office.

Wait, it's not that late.

Wait a minute, what do
you mean it's late?

Very well then.

If that is what he wants,

that is what he is going to get.

It is war.

[♪]

[♪]

No. No, no.

And you have summoned
Haji here for this?

Oh, yes, great Haji.

In all my years
as master of the genies,

I've never heard
anything like it.

You wish me to take away
your magic powers?

Oh, please.

It is the last request
I will make of you.

If I take away your powers,

it'll be the last request
you'll be able to make.

You'll be like
everyone else, a mere mortal.

Yes. That is exactly
what I wish to be.

Just like everyone else.

Oh, the kids today
have no appreciation.

Oh, please. This is
very important to me.

I shall never understand
this younger generation.

Well, as long
as I am a genie, my...

My master has no respect for me.

[SIGHS]

He takes me for granted.

Then you must do more for him.

The more I do for him,

the more he takes me
for granted.

Oh?

But let another woman cook

or clean or sew for him,

and he never stops
talking about it.

Heh. You would think
they were performing miracles.

And you believe that
if you did these things

without magic powers, for him,
it will impress him.

Oh, I know it will.

I should never have
taken on this job.

I think I'm getting an ulcer.

Thank you.
What is it?

Chicken soup.

Ah. You remembered.

Delicious. Delicious.

What you're asking is
against the rules, you know.

But you will do it?

Mm.

Yes.

Oh, thank you, Haji.

For one week.

One week?

I will not tolerate my genies

turning into a bunch of...

Into a bunch of hippies.

But you will do it?

One moment.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Thank you, thank you. [GIGGLES]

Now...

[♪]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Your powers are gone.

Good luck.

Oh, thank you, Haji.

Thank you.

Oh.

Oh!

My master is in
for the most wonderful surprise.

Brilliant.

You're the only one on the base
who could've done that.

I don't know what's
gotten into Jeannie.

Every time I open my mouth,
she starts an argument.

That's not like her.

She generally has
a great disposition.

Yeah. Unless she gets mad,

then look out.
I know.

Oh, you must have said
something to her.

All I did was tell her

what a wonderful cook
Amanda Bellows was.

Major Nelson, you're very sweet.

Mrs. Bellows.
Hello.

Please. Sit down.
Oh, thank you.

But now, don't let me
interrupt you gentlemen.

You were saying what
a great cook I am?

Oh, Amanda.

AMANDA:
Darling, don't be jealous.

I'm sure they say marvelous
things behind your back too.

I'll say.

Major, who were you
telling about my cooking?

Who?
Whom.

Yes, you said she got angry
and started an argument.

Oh, my housekeeper, Jeannie.

Oh, I didn't know
you had a housekeeper.

She's new.

Brand new.

And she can't cook?

Well... Let's say she can't
cook the way you do.

I would say that's
a fair statement.

Well, perhaps you are
asking too much from her.

After all, women like Amanda
don't come along every day.

Oh, darling.

Women like his housekeeper

don't come along
every day either.

Well... Come along, Amanda.

We'll just leave you
to your work.

Oh, yes, I just
wanted to say hello.

I wanted to thank you
for a wonderful evening.

It's nothing at all.
Thank you for coming.

Okay, goodbye.
Oh, Dr. Bellows,

I hope I didn't go too far
with those party tricks

at your house the other night.

[CHUCKLES] [CHUCKLES] Oh, no.

The other guests thought
you were very entertaining.

Well, I always try to have fun.

You forgot your socks.

Oh.

Thank you, sir.

They're mine.

[SIGHS]
[DOOR CLOSES]

I was wondering
what I did with these.

[HUMMING]

[SIZZLING]

Jeannie. Hello?

Hey!

[BLOWING]

Uh! Oh!

Jeannie!
Hey...

Jeannie, what's
going on here anyhow?

Mm.

[MUFFLED] Sorry, master. I'm sorry.
I burned my finger.

I can't understand
a word you're saying.

I'm sorry.
I burned my finger.

Oh, let me see.

Oh, that is all right.
It's fine.

Well, it's not
the only thing you've burned.

Look at this.
[GASPS]

Oh, that is terrible.

Just as I was getting
the hang of it.

Well, you know I always
send out my own shirts.

From now on, I am
going to do them for you.

I don't think I can afford you.

Oh. I will fix that.

What do I smell, besides this,

that's burning?

Hm?

My dinner.

Dinner?

You're cooking dinner by hand?

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!

Jeannie!

[SCREAMS]

What is going on here?

Are you all right, master?

Look, Jeannie, I've had a very
hard day. A very hard day.

Now, I want all this stuff
out of here.

The ironing board
in the living room,

and all of this, and...

Whatever that is.

I'm gonna count to three.
I want it gone, you understand?

One, two, three.

They're still here, you see.

All of this, it's still here.
All of this.

Master?
Yes?

I have the most
wonderful news for you.

TONY [LAUGHS]:
You gotta be kidding.

Oh, please, master.

I will learn
how to do everything.

You will be surprised.

Well, you've lost
your powers now.

I don't really
have a choice, do I?

Oh, thank you, master.
[GASPS]

I will be the best housewife
in the whole world.

You will see.

Could I make a suggestion?

Certainly, master.

Don't starch the pajamas.

But they are bigger now.

Don't.
Oh.

Good night.

Good night, master.

Oh, hi, Tony.
I was just talking to Doc...

Have you outgrown
all your uniforms?

It's a new style.

Uh, mini-sleeves.
[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]
Mini-sleeves. They're very chic.

Jeannie's at it again, huh?

She washed it.

That's carrying things too far.
Yeah.

Oh, Major Nelson.

I, um...

just wanna go over
the details of this...

Major, what are you wearing?

Well, I've got work
to do, sir. Excuse me.

Ahem. It shrunk, sir.

My other uniforms
are in the cleaners.

Well, it looks terrible.

Take that jacket off.
[CHUCKLES]

You look like
Little Major Fauntleroy.

I-I'd rather not.

Well. Don't stand on formality.

This is your office.
Take it off.

If you say so, sir.

[VASE BREAKS]

Oh.

That is three.
Hm.

WOMAN:
Hello?

Oh!

Oh, wow. Is
Major Nelson home?

Hello?

Hello?

Well, I've heard of shy,
but this is ridiculous.

Oh, you must be Jeannie.

You have heard of me?

Oh, yes, of course.

Major Nelson told me
all about you.

I'm Amanda Bellows.

Oh, I know.

My master has told me
all about you.

Oh, I'm glad that he told...

Your master?

Well, that is what I call him.

Oh.

I baked this for him.

Oh. He will be
so pleased.

He does not think
I am a very good cook.

He does not think

I am a very good
housewife either.

Housewife?
Oh.

You and Major Nel...

And I want to be the best
housewife in the whole world.

And he never said a word.

He didn't bring you
to dinner last night.

Oh, no. My master never
takes me out with him.

He said it would be
too embarrassing

if people knew about me.

He did, did he?
Mm-hm.

But now that he has
told you about me,

it is all right.

He will be pleased
that we have met.

Uh. Pleased isn't
the word for it.

Now, let me get this straight.

Honey, didn't you have any idea

what you were getting
involved in?

Well...

Perhaps I was
a little too hasty.

This morning, I wanted to
go to the grocery store,

and I didn't have
anything to wear.

You didn't have
anything to wear...?

Do you mean to tell me

that this is
the only thing you have?

Doesn't he buy you any dresses?

Oh, no.

My master has never
bought me any clothes.

I will make some coffee.

Won't you please
sit down. I...

Oh. Oh, dear. I've not
made up my bed yet.

You sleep on the couch?

Well, yes, uh...

That does it. Ha!
Boy, that does it.

Listen, I am going to
get you out of this mess

if it's the last thing
I ever do.

Oh, thank you.

If I could just learn
how to clean the house.

Honey, you don't need
a clean house.

What you need is a divorce!

Major Nelson marry?

Oh, really, Amanda,
I don't believe it.

You haven't heard anything.

Well, he certainly would have
told me if he were married.

Darling, you don't know a thing

about the real Major Nelson.

I know that man's psyche

like the back of my own...

hand.

How would you describe him,
psychiatric-wise?

Anthony Nelson is
a very capable young man.

Sensitive, generous...

Ha!

Ha?

Major Nelson is a sadistic,
penny-pinching miser.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about a man

who treats his wife
like a slave.

And dresses her the same way.

You keep talking
about Major Nelson's wife.

Where is she?
Upstairs.

Under my protection.

Upstairs?
Under your protection?

Uh, wait, darling.

I am going to tell you
about the real psyche...

behind the psyche
of Major Nelson.

Jeannie?

Jeannie.

I got a surprise...

Wonder what this place was like

before she started
cleaning it up.

I got a surprise
for you, Jeannie.

Hey, where are you?
I got a...

"She's left you,
you louse."

"You louse?"

She's left me?
Wait!

I've heard of separate bedrooms.
But separate couch?

Check.

Checkmate.

Alfred, it's unbelievable.

I helped her pack, darling.

And she... She doesn't even
own a pair of stockings.

And he keeps her running
around the house

in some flimsy
Arabian Night thing.

You know, so she can't
even go out.

She's practically a prisoner.

Do you know what this means?

What?

I'm gonna have to do

a whole new
profile chart on him.

Alfred, what about
that poor girl upstairs?

Yes. We must do something.
Keeping her in slavery...

[HUFFS]

[SNAPS]

That's the classic
Zimmerman pattern.

A frustrated, infantile,
sadistic...

Alfred, this isn't a lecture.

This is real life.

I'm sorry, my dear.

Well, what are we gonna do?

I'm going to have a little talk

with Major Nelson.

Cocoa Beach Hotel?
Yes.

Uh, I wonder if a young lady's
checked in there

in the last hour or so.

Jeannie.

Well, she could have used
any last name.

She's a blond,
and she was wearing

kind of a pink harem costume.

[PHONE CLICKS]

Hello?

Hello?
[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yes? Oh!

Good evening,
Dr. Bellows.

Is it?
Yes. Yes, it is.

As a matter of fact,
it's quite nice.

Uh, you seem, uh, agitated.
Is anything wrong?

Uh... Oh, no.
No, no, nothing...

Well, my housekeeper
is missing, as you can see.

I was just trying to locate her.

And that's what I came here
to discuss.

What? My housekeeper?

If that's what
you wish to call her.

You see, major,
I know all about her.

Y-you do?

I... What I mean is,
there's nothing to know.

She's just your ordinary
everyday housekeeper.

In a pink harem costume?

[LAUGHS]
Pink harem... You've seen her.

Where is she, Dr. Bellows?

I mean, she shouldn't
run around loose.

You have no idea what kind of
trouble she can get in.

She's perfectly safe, major.

She's staying at my house

until Mrs. Bellows
can arrange for the divorce.

Divorce?

[WHISPERS] Jeannie.

Jeannie. It's me.

Louse.

Come on, I've come to
take you out of here.

You...

Would you...?

Come on. I wanna
take you home.

Now, don't you pretend
to be asleep, young lady.

Come on.

All right. I'll get you
out of here

even if I have to carry you out.

Mm.

Shh!

Good evening,
Dr. Bellows.

What are you doing?

I'm taking her home.

Good evening,
Mrs. Bellows.

Dr. Bellows, if I could
just talk to Jeannie

just for a minute...

No, major. You've done enough
to that poor girl.

Uh, has she complained?

That poor innocent child

doesn't even know how badly
you've treated her.

That poor innocent child...?

Do you happen to know
how old she is?

No. How old is she?

Well, her age has nothing
to do with it.

You're not ready
for marriage, Major Nelson.

I know I'm not.
I never said I was, sir.

Do you know what
you are ready for, major?

No, sir.

In-depth analysis.

Starting tomorrow morning,
9:00, my office.

Sir, I don't need in-depth
analysis. All I need is...

A whip and chain.

I'll handle this, Amanda.

You should be arrested.

BELLOWS:
Good night, major.

Good night, sir.
Mrs. Bellows.

It shatters the imagination

to think what some women
will put up with.

Yes.

What's gonna happen
to him now, Alfred?

BELLOWS: Well, first, I'm
gonna straighten him out.

And then I'm gonna have him

transferred out of NASA.

Oh, no.

Oh. My poor master.

Oh, I cannot let them

transfer him out of NASA.

Uh, because if they do...

he will kill me.

Haji.

Haji.

Oh.

[SOBS]

Oh, this is terrible.

This time, I have truly done it.

Here we are. Here we are.
Sit down, darling.

Uh, Jeannie,

this is Mr. Murdock.

This is a sad day for all of us.

Oh, yes.

You have nothing
to fear, my dear.

I want you to think of me...

as a father figure.

Someone to turn to
in this time of great sorrow.

Is he an undertaker?

Oh. Oh, no, dear.

No, no, no. He's
your divorce lawyer.

M-m...
My divorce lawyer?

I know it hurts now.

But believe me...
in a few weeks,

you'll be laughing.

I have hundreds of
satisfied clients.

They come to me in shackles.

They leave on soaring wings.

Mr. Murdock, I cannot
divorce Major Nelson.

Why not?
Because we are not...

She's terrified of him.

Oh, no. Oh, no,
I am not terrified of him.

He is the most wonderful
master in the whole world.

Master?

What did I tell you?

Oh, this is gonna be a beauty.

Please do not do anything
that will harm Major Nelson.

Oh, relax, Jeannie, dear.

Well, It's true you won't have
Major Nelson anymore.

But you'll have
something much better.

Community property.

I do not want
this community property.

He's brainwashed her.

Well...

the grounds for divorce

surely won't be
a problem. Uh...

He, uh, kept you a slave.

He never took you out.

Gave you no allowance.

No clothes...

to speak of.

He forced you to sleep
on the couch

while he slept
in a luxurious bedroom.

Oh, no.
No, no, no.

It was not that way at all.

There's something
that we don't know about?

Yes.

Well, tell us.

Well, I-if I tell you
the whole truth...

will it help Major Nelson?

Well, let's put it
this way, Jeannie.

It can't do him any more harm.

Then I will tell you.

[CLICK]

The reason I slept on the couch

was because I could not get
into my bottle.

I missed something.

Oh. You see, I am a genie.

Major Nelson picked me up
on a desert island.

Well, he... He found me
in this bottle

where a wicked djinn had put me.

Well, it is true
he opened my bottle,

but it is not fair to say
that he mistreated me.

Major Nelson is the most
wonderful master

I have ever had.

Well, everything
would have been fine

if I had not called on Haji.

Haji?

The chief of all the genies.

That Haji.

He took away all my powers.

So that is why I could not get
into my bottle to sleep.

And the reason there are

no clothes in the house

is because this is what
all genies wear.

Did I forget something?

No.

But there is something
she forgot to tell me.

You're a fruitcake.

[♪]

I can't apologize enough,
Major Nelson,

for the terrible mistake
we've made.

That's all right, sir.

It could happen to anyone.

What you must have
had to put up with.

TONY:
You'll never know.

It was a nightmare.

AMANDA:
Oh, you poor thing.

Uh... Where is she now?

She went to her mother's.

I suppose you'll be
getting an annulment.

I suppose so.

Oh. If there's anything
I can do...

The wounds will heal.

Of course.
Uh...

AMANDA: Major, come to
dinner tomorrow night.

I'll cook my specialty,
duck with orange sauce.

I'd love to.

Oh, good. Good. We'll
see you tomorrow.

Yes. Of course.

Good night, major.

Good night, sir.
Good night.

You are not going to eat

that woman's
terrible cooking again.

Oh, yes, I am.
It's great cooking. Great.

And there's nothing
you can do about it,

because you lost
your powers, remember?

[MAGIC BOINGS]

[GIGGLES]

My powers came back an hour ago.

[GIGGLES]

Mm.

[♪]