I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 3, Episode 20 - Please, Don't Feed the Astronauts - full transcript

[♪]

Surprise, master.
Surprise, Major Healey.

[CHUCKLES] Hey.

I am preparing luncheon.

Is it not scrumptious?

Mmm.
I could eat a horse.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, if that is what you wish.

No, no, Jeannie.
No horses and no lunch.

Roger and I volunteered
for a nutritional experiment

at the base hospital.



Yeah, duty.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

Oh, but, master,

you know how cranky you get
when you do not eat.

Yeah, no, this is duty,
Jeannie. Really.

Yes, but this is red meat,
whole protein.

ROGER: Dr. Bellows! It's Dr.
Bellows, he's here.

Uh, would you pop out now,
Jeannie? Please?

Oh, master,
the steaks will burn.

Dr. Bellows is gonna drive us
to the base hospital, please.

Thank you.

Okay.

What are you doing up there?



Dr. Bellows!

Oh, it's him.

Dr. Bellows.
Dr. Bellows.

Well, are you ready and eager
to get underway, gentlemen?

TONY:
Oh, yes, quite ready. Right.

You seem rather tense.
Oh, me?

No, no, no,
I'm moose as a loose...

Noose as a goose...
You know what I mean.

[LAUGHING]
Of course, I understand.

At first, I couldn't imagine
why you were eager

to volunteer your services.

And then I remembered the new
Swedish nurses at the hospital.

Naive of me, wasn't it?

Swedish nurses?
Well, how about that?

Did you know there were Swedish
nurses over at the hospital?

You kidding?
You mean Sonia and Ingrid,

the beautiful girls?
[LAUGHS]

Let's go, sir.
Whatever...

Oh, yeah, well, I mean,
you know, you just have to...

They're a little ugly there.

They've got big noses
and hair like spaghetti.

Well, we'll just have
to bear it, huh? Ha-ha-ha!

Duty, duty.

[♪]

Oh, thanks. Thank you very much,
thank you.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, thanks for setting that up
for us.

Thank you, bye.

Ho-ho-ho!
Goodbye, see you later. Goodbye.

Well, my three looked great.
I can't believe that we're here.

Did you see those blonds
Greta and Ingrid and Sonia?

Yeah, Greta's the one
with the big...

Master!

Nose and skinny legs
and knobbly knees.

Yeah.
Oh, hey, look who's here.

Now, I know what you're thinking
and you're absolutely wrong.

We volunteered for this
job, Jeannie. Ooh!

Now, now, now...

Hey, wait. Oh. There you are.
What did you...?

Get it off.
Come on, pull it down.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Here we are, commander.

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS]

[♪]

[♪]

Uh, Commander Porter
intends to use you to prove

that the astronaut nutrition
program is inadequate.

That's right.

I'm really gonna put
the pressure on you.

Brutal hard pressure.

And if you think
your astronaut diet

of rich food and ladyfingers

is gonna keep you going,

you're wrong.

Boys, in just 24 hours,

I'm gonna reduce you
to broken, sniveling wrecks.

[CHUCKLES]

For... For the good
of our country, of course.

And, uh...

what have you to,
uh, say to that?

Sounds great.

Can't wait.

Good.

I like doomed men
to show spirit. Ha-ha-ha!

Okay, let's warm up with, uh,
20 laps around the water tower.

Uh, t-the water tower, sir?
That's on the roof, Dr. Bellows.

That's 12 floors.

You do mean for them
to take the elevator, don't you?

[CHUCKLES]

Up the fire escape.

Go.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[♪]

Faster.

Four hundred and ninety-nine.

Five hundred.

Fifty more.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Till you drop.

[GRUNTS]

[CHUCKLES]

[♪]

Commander Porter's

vitamin pill.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

I see those nurses
have worn you out.

Jeannie,
we're in the hands of a madman.

Ha!
No, honestly,

the nurses didn't have anything
to do with it. I... I...

Tell her, Roge.

Tell her, tell Jeannie.

Jeannie, he's trying to kill us.

No, not that.

Jeannie...
Oh! Oh, Jeannie.

Oh, are we glad to see you.

Jeannie, look at me.
Look... Look at me.

Look at my hollow eyes.
My sunken cheeks.

We've been starved,
steamed and strained.

Why did you not tell me

this Commander Porter
was mistreating you?

Why didn't we tell her?
Because...

Oh, well, I guess
it was just his foolish pride.

You are sure you have not been
having fun with these nurses?

My word of honor.

And you are very hungry?

Yeah, hungry. Starved.

Oh, so hungry. Oh, yeah.
Oh.

Food! Oh, remind me to have
your bottle air-conditioned.

Yes, Roge.
Mmm. Oooh.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WOMAN:
Major Nelson.

Major Healey.

Your favorite nurse
is here again.

You naughty boys.

Naughty boys?

Oh, no, no,
it's not what you think.

Ohhh.
No, it really isn't.

Jeannie, now, now, don't...
Don't take your food.

Here, get...
Oh!

Ow! Ow!

Jeannie, come back.

[♪]

Time to take more blood,
dear boys.

Ha-ha-ha!
Amazing.

You know something, Healey?

You and Nelson have lost
enough fat

to make
a full-grown jockey.

[LAUGHS]

I can't tell you
how this pleases me.

How much longer
is this gonna take, sir?

Oh, we're just getting started.

Yes, sir, we're just
getting started.

I want Dr. Bellows
to see you.

Oh, uh, come along,
Miss, uh, Lugosi.

You can take more blood later.

That should put a smile
on your face.

[♪]

Oh, my poor master.

I saw everything
and I am so ashamed.

I am not fit to be your genie.
I am a complete flip.

Flop.
Flop.

Jeannie,
is that you? Oh.

Poor sweet master.

You have grown so skinny,
even your head feels thin.

Oh, but do not worry.

I shall arrange a feast
of the ages.

Poached ears of the camel.
Pomegranates and honey.

Hummingbird's feet.

Ohhh. Hold the bird feet,
Jeannie, it's too late.

I think we've had it.

Oh, we're too bushed to move.

Well, then I will unbush you.

[♪]

[LAUGHING]

I'm up.

I'm moving.
I feel great.

I feel like a tiger.
[GRUNTING]

Ha-ha-ha!

Now no one
will be ashamed of you.

Jeannie, Jeannie,
it's too fast. Slow us down.

Oh.

Oh, take it easy, Jeannie.
We're going too fast.

Too fast.
Slow us down.

Wait a minute.
We're too fast.

Oh, dear. I think
my unbushing spell needs work.

What shape are they in,
commander?

I'd say they we're shapeless.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!
It's pitiful.

No stamina, colonel.
No stamina.

Well, look for yourself.

[CHUCKLES]

[GASPS]

Incredible.

Sickening the way those
chowhounds fell apart, isn't it?

Fell apart? You better take
another look, commander.

I don't know
how they're doing it

but they're hopping around
like jumping beans on a skillet.

What?

Let me see.

I say this proves

that your analysis
of the astronaut's diet

was incorrect.

No, I...

I was right.

Their diet was trash.

What's keeping those boys going
is my special vitamin pills.

Your vitamin pills?
Secret formula.

I broke 'em down,

but my pills
built 'em right up again.

They can take it.

Now, I can hit 'em
with the real test.

Five days and nights
on Skull Island

without supplies.

Living off the land
like wild animals.

Wild animals?

Well, do you think
they can take it, commander?

Look at 'em.

I'll give 'em the works.

The works.

[♪]

[♪]

Skull Island.

Well, gentlemen, do you think
you're ready to withstand

five days
of animal survival here?

Does fainting
answer your question?

Never mind, they're ready.

You have plenty
of my special vitamins

and these little beauties.

The Commander Porter
Handbook for Survival.

Use these properly

and you won't starve,
understand?

And if we get hungry,
we can eat the book. Ha-ha!

Ha-ha!
That's the spirit.

Commander, starvation is
not the real danger. No?

The real danger
is the mental disorientation

that accompanies acute hunger.

It may impair their judgment

and cause frightening
hallucinations.

Don't worry, doc. Nobody's
gonna start seeing things.

My vitamins and my handbooks
will pull us through.

All right, men.
Let's go to work.

Scrounge!

[WHISTLE BLOWS] Scrounge.

[♪]

[BOTH PANTING]

Ohhh.

Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.

Phew!

Oh, boy, I don't know about you,
but I'm starved.

Oh, do not worry,
Jeannie is here.

What are you...?
What are you doing here?

Oh, thanks, Jeannie,
but no thanks. We can't.

You do not like turkey
and cranberries and...

And sweet potatoes
and white potatoes and pickles.

No, you see, Commander Porter
is taking the same test with us.

He's eating everything we do.

It's him against us.

Right, we're gonna beat him
at his own game.

Yeah.

I think you are both
being very foolish.

If you do not eat,
you are going to get sick.

PORTER:
Nelson, Healey, yo!

Get out, go on, out.
Take this with you, go on.

Well, well.
Hey, sir.

[CHUCKLING]

Came up empty-handed,
didn't you, from the hunt?

Well, lucky for you,

Commander Porter's a master

at the art of food-finding.
Yeah.

Today, we feast.
Yes, sir.

Swamp roots, lily buds,

nice juicy snails.

Here, boys,
try one of the crickets.

They're delicious.

[SNIFFING]

Hey, uh...

y-you guys smell
roast turkey?

Yeah, we smell turkey...

No, we can't be smelling
roast turkey.

If we were smelling roast
turkey,

we'd be having a hallucination.

And we can't be having
a hallucination,

not with The Commander Porter
Handbook for Survival. Ha-ha!

Yeah, yeah. You're right,
I-I didn't smell roast turkey.

Come on, Healey,
chomp on a snail.

[SNIFFS]

No, I... I don't smell
roast turkey

or cranberry sauce
and pumpkin pie.

Uh, check?
Check.

I don't even smell
oyster dressing.

[CHUCKLING] No.

Hey, this looks good.

Funny, uh...
Well, chow down.

"First man lures fish in close

by making sounds
in water's surface."

Okay, Nelson.
Huh?

Make sounds in water's surface.

"Second man
readies spear and strikes

when the fish approaches."

Ready, Healey?

Oh! I think I see something,
sir.

Here goes.

Get anything?

Yes, sir.

My foot.

[♪]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

You must let me help you,
master.

You are getting weaker
by the minute.

No, no, I'm gonna do it.

Ohhh, I will not allow
my master to go hungry.

I know, I will fix you
a... A... A Cornish hen.

No, a squab with...

No, that is not big enough
for two hungry men.

I know.
A nice big chicken.

[ROARING] Oh, dear.

[CLUCKING LOUDLY]

Oh!
No, no, no, no.

Hello, Dr. Bellows.
Eh, Commander Porter here.

Are you alone?
Yes, I am, commander.

What seems to be the difficulty?

A turkey dinner
that wasn't there?

There's nothing wrong with you,
commander.

Uh, don't ask me how I know,

but believe me,

you're as sane as I am.

Just take two aspirins
and stay away

from Major Nelson
and Major Healey.

Thanks, doc.

I-I knew my Porter system
wouldn't fail me.

I feel a lot better.
W-what?

Uh, sorry, I couldn't hear you
on account of the giant chicken.

A giant chicken.

Giant chicken?

[MOUTHED SPEECH]

I don't see

a giant chicken.

Jeannie, now you get rid
of that thing.

You just get rid of it.

Yes, master.

All right. All right.

All right, uh, please just
don't try to help us anymore.

Roger, let's go and try
to find some real food, huh?

Oh, please, master,
let me get you some food.

No, Jeannie, we're not allowed
to accept food

unless it's from the natives,
like it says in the handbook.

Yeah, come on.
Yeah.

[♪]

"Food and shelter
may sometimes be found

at a friendly native village."

PORTER:
No...

Th-there was no chicken.

Dr. Bellows
knows what he's talking about.

I didn't see nothing. All right.

Friendly native village.

Looks like one...

But it isn't here.

M-m-m-my vitamins.

I'll take some more
of my vitamins.

When I open my eyes,
it'll... It'll all be gone.

All gone.

You may accept this food,
please.

We are friendly native village.
Just like in your book.

You aren't here.

It's like I could just reach out
and touch you

but... But you're not here.

It's a... What do you call it?
A... A mirage.

That's what it is, a mirage.

And I'll... I'll...
I'll prove it, it's a mirage.

[SCREAMING]

Infidel dog.

You have desecrated
the tents of the women.

For this, you must die.

D-die?

[CHUCKLES]

Wh-what am I worried about?
There's nobody here.

I'm all alone
with a big hairy mirage.

You don't exist.
Seize him.

Th-this isn't happening.

Uh, put me down, fellows,
will you? Put me down.

Oh. Master? Master?
PORTER: Put me down.

"Approach nest
from north side of tree.

Carefully remove eggs."

Ungh! Uh, steady,
little to the right, okay?

TONY: Okay.
Look, pull.

JEANNIE: Master! Master!
Be careful will you. Huh?

Master! Oh, master!
What is it?

Danger... What's that?
[CREAKING]

Huh?

Oh, sorry, Roge.

Oh, Major Healey.

Oh, master, please hurry,
you must go.

What is it?
Oh, there's no time to explain.

[MAN GRUNTING]

You aren't here.

That big knife
isn't gonna hurt anybody.

And that bevy of handclapping
beauties ain't here, neither.

[CHUCKLING]

What a great mirage.

[GRUNTS]

If this was real,
I'd, uh, sure be worried.

What is it?
Oh, Cousin Hamid, no!

Do not kill him.

The infidel must die.

Who are they?

Oh, friends,
this is Cousin Hamid.

This is my beloved master
Major Nelson and Major Healey.

Welcome to my humble village.

My tent is your tent.

And now, if you will excuse me,

I must cut your friend
to ribbons.

Uh, wait.
Wait.

Hi, Nelson.

You in my mirage too?

[CHUCKLES]

Hi. Can't you help...?
Can't you help him?

That is Cousin Hamid.

[GROWLS]

Ha! What's the matter,
big stuff?

Can't you aim good?

[LAUGHS]
[GROWLS]

Oh, now my mirage is mad.

Why don't you try it again?

Now you pay.

For a mirage,
you have terrible breath.

No, no...

Did you do it?
Did you?

I cannot kill a man
who shows no fear.

His courage has won him life

and the right to wear
the robes of Hadjibaba.

Oh.
[CHUCKLES]

But thank you, cousin,

for a very entertaining
diversion.

I will see you in 2000 years
at the family picnic?

[CHUCKLES]

Dress will be casual.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't bother.
I know the way out.

Bye-bye.

[JEANNIE LAUGHING]

TONY: Well...
JEANNIE: You see?

I knew it would work
out all right. Oh.

Let's get Porter off that stake.
[WHISTLES]

Oh, master,
the robes of Hadjibaba.

Yeah, never mind that, come on.

ROGER: Whoa!
Oh.

Are you all right?
You all right?

Hi, Nelson.
Hi, Healey.

You're here too.
Gee, what a crowded mirage.

Where'd you get her?
Never mind.

I'll snap out of this
and you'll all be gone.

Uh, sir, I think we'd
better explain... Step back.

I'd like to try out
this big knife.

That guy in the mirage
really tried to give it to me.

Hey, you know something?

This knife is real.

Whoa!
Are you all right, sir?

Are you all right, sir?

Commander Porter?
Are you all right, sir?

BELLOWS:
Major Healey, commander,

can you hear me?

Oh, it must be
Dr. Bellows.

Oh, it must be a search party.
How are we gonna...?

How are we gonna explain
Sheikh Ali Ben Porter?

Um, Jeannie?

Oh, well,
you will think of something.

I wish I could.
Yeah...

Oh.

Oh, are you all right?
Sir? Sir?

Jeannie, will you come back?
Jeannie.

Mirage.

It was real.

Nelson.
Yes, sir.

Healey, it was real!
Yes, yes.

The knife. It... It's gone, but
it was here. It was right here.

Sir, you're weak
from lack of food.

Don't baby me.

There was a giant
with a beard and...

And tents and a blond.

Sir, you're an inspiration
to all your men,

giving us your food like that.

A-and the giant chicken,
I saw it too.

A-and this knife...
Where's the knife?

He tried to cut me to ribbons.
No, no, no.

I gave you my food?
Yes.

No, I had on
this weird housecoat,

a-and my shoes curled up
at the toes.

Dr. Bellows is...
Is searching for us, sir.

Uh, uh, let me explain
what happened.

After the landslide...

[♪]

[♪]

And so, gentlemen,
although the space agency

was disappointed in the failure
of Commander Porter's program,

they were most impressed
with your showing.

TONY:
We only did our duty, sir.

We learned from
Commander Porter's example.

Mmm, it was his principles
of self-sacrifice.

I'm glad to hear you say that

because the Department
of Defense

would like you to share
the survival techniques.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[ALL CHATTERING]

BELLOWS:
Ah, come in, sir.

Hi, fella.
It's me.

Now, you're going to show me
how you did it.

We're going back out
to Skull Island

and we're gonna stay there

until I know everything
you know.

So stop sitting there
like lard-bellied yo-yos

and move.

Move!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Roge.

[♪]

[♪]