I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 3, Episode 15 - Battle of Waikiki - full transcript

While in Hawaii, Jeannie brings back King Kamehameha who feels that his people have forgotten him.

[♪]

TONY:
And there it is, 'Iolani Palace.

The only royal palace
in the United States.

JEANNIE:
Oh! It's beautiful, master.

Yeah.

It says, "The cornerstone
was laid," um,

"December 31st, 1879.
The palace is a monument

to the era of
Hawaiian monarchy."

How about that?

[BANGING]

Roger, what are you doing?



Are you gonna eat that thing

or are you gonna
beat it to death?

I'm trying to get it open.

I wonder how many Hawaiians
starved to death

waiting for their breakfast.

Well, it says in this book
that King Kamehameha

could open a coconut
with just two fingers.

Two fingers? Oh, you can't
believe everything you read.

He must have been
a very powerful man.

Oh, yeah.
He was a great man.

"Kamehameha Nui was
the most..."

I thought we were talking about
King Kamehameha.

Oh, yeah. Well, uh, Nui means
"the great" in Hawaiian.

It says here,
"Over 200 years ago,



"he defended these islands

against the invaders and
drove them over the Pali."

I sure would have
liked to have met him.

I did say I wish I could have
met him, didn't I?

Yes, master.

You did say that. [LAUGHS] Yeah.

Kamehameha.

Kamehameha Nui.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Ah. Hello, sir.
Uh...

I can't tell you what
a pleasure it is to meet you.

[IN HAWAIIAN]

Yes, well. Uh,
thi-this is Honolulu.

ROGER: Can you really
break open a coconut?

Just put it away.
Can you imagine

what a thrill this is
gonna be for him?

But if he could
break this open...

Just... Just forget it,
will you?

He has a chance to
see what civilization

has done for his country.

Oh! This is so exciting.
Yes, yes.

[IN HAWAIIAN]

Let's get him out of here.

Take care of the lady, will you?
Yeah.

Oh, sorry. Take care
of her, will you? Oh.

Your Majesty...

That's yours.
Thanks. Sorry.

Two fingers?

Mm.

I-I can't
believe it.

King Kamehameha right here.

Yeah.

[IN HAWAIIAN] Ya...

Ya, what? Ya...?

Oh, I don't know.

He was trying to
tell us something.

Wait a minute. Look.
[REPEATS FOREIGN WORD]

Where is here?

Uh, one question at a time.

I'm still looking up
the first word, ya...

You speak English.
He speaks English.

Learn from Cook.

His cook was an English teacher?

Oh. I think he means
Captain Cook.

Captain Cook. You mean the one
that discovered the island?

Wait a minute.
Didn't they kill him?

Oh, boy.

Master, I'm beginning
to wonder if...

[KAMEHAMEHA SPEAKING
IN HAWAIIAN]

I think he's calling us.

[SHOUTING]

Yeah. I think
we'd better go.

We better go.

Uh, you called, Your Majesty?

This island Oahu?

Uh, yes, sir.

Don't look like Oahu.

What that?

Yeah, well, those are
streets and sidewalks.

Bugs?

JEANNIE: Oh, they are
called automobiles.

[CHUCKLES]

What that?
And that?

And that?

TONY: Well, uh, those
are office buildings,

and, uh... Uh, hotels
and motorcycles.

No. No like.
All, you take away.

Well, uh,
you don't understand, sir,

that's, uh, what we call
progress. It's, uh...

My Oahu.
Kamehameha, king.

I give order, you take away.

Well, I...
Yes, sir, but...

Master, I think I'd better
send the king back now.

No. Absolutely
not, Jeannie.

He's got to be made
to understand

what civilization
has done for the country.

Tony...
Jus...

Will you... Will you
wait a minute, please?

He-he-he's just not
used to all this.

He just doesn't know,
you know, how to cope yet...

Yeah, but...
But Tony...

Roger, I'm trying
to explain to her.

He's got to be made to see
what civilization has helped,

and the progress
that's been made here.

Yeah, but I gotta tell you...
What is it? What is it?

The king is gone.

Gone?

Yeah, he just
walked out the door.

Well, why didn't you...?
Yeah, but I've been...

[♪]

I told you to keep
your eye on him. What's a...?

Well, he couldn't have gone far.

Yeah, well, he's probably out

in the garden
cracking coconuts. Oh.

[GRUNTING]

Oh. I think
we have found him.

[WOMAN SHRIEKS]

Oh. Your... Your Majesty.
Uh, what are you doing, sir?

This man steal
royal whale teeth.

Pineapple no can eat.

[HISS] This progress?

Flowers no can smell.
That progress?

Master, I do not think
he likes civilization.

Oh, he... Why do we
not send him back?

He's gonna love civilization.

Hide plant from sun.
That progress?

Oh! Oh,
Your Majesty. If...

Just a moment, sir.

Do you intend to pay
for the damages?

No, I'm afraid not.

Or do I call the police?

[GASPS]
How much? How much?

Pay him, will you?
Yeah.

Come on.
Yeah.

[♪]

Uh... Uh,
Your Majesty...

Look. Gods are angry,
make rain fall up.

[STUTTERING]

Must make rain dance.

Oh. Well, that
won't be...

Where rain dancers?

Oh, well, they don't
work on Sundays.

It's a strong union.

[KAMEHAMEHA SINGING
IN HAWAIIAN]

Pardon me, sir.
What are you doing?

Must make gods happy.
Make rain dance. Come.

Who...? Me?

Takes three to make
rain dance. Come!

Well, it takes two to tango.

Come!

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna do
a little rain dance.

ROGER: I've never done
the rain dance before.

I've never done
any kind of dance before.

Humor him.

Right when
he's starting to dance.

[ALL CHANTING]

[SINGS QUIETLY]

Ah. The gods approve.

[IN HAWAIIAN]

[LAUGHS]

[ALL CHANTING IN HAWAIIAN]

ROGER:
It worked. It worked.

Ah. Oh, Major Healey...
Oh.

Major Nelson.
Us. Oh.

Come here.

Yes, sir.

Hello, Dr. Bellows.

Oh.

Would you mind telling me

what you were doing
in that fountain?

Oh, just your average
Hawaiian rain dance, sir.

Did you say you were
doing a rain dance?

Uh, yes, sir. One of
our Hawaiian friends

was teaching us some of
the chants of the island.

Once it's raining, there's
no sense hanging around.

Very good seeing you, sir.
Come on, Roge.

They made it rain?

[SHOUTING]

I did it! I did it!
I made it rain!

I made it rain?

[MOUTHS] I don't know.

He's not out in front.

He's not out back either.
Oh, I never thought

I'd be playing nursemaid
to a king.

Boy, think of all those
beautiful girls on the beach.

Roger, will you forget
about the beautiful girls.

We got important things to do...

Forget the beautiful girls
on the beach?

Why did you have to
send for him?

I didn't send for him. Jeannie...
Now, don't start...

Why don't we call the police,
and they'll send out an alarm...

When they find him,
you can explain who he is.

You do it.
All right, okay.

I wish he didn't have
such a terrible temper.

Roger, that's why
we're trying to find him.

Really. That's why
we're trying... Oh.

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

It worked. It worked.

What worked, sir?
Your rain dance.

Why, it's the most amazing thing

that ever happened to me.

Look at me.
Uh, what's...

One moment the sun was shining,
and then I went...

[CHANTING IN HAWAIIAN]

It was incredible. Why...?
Where is he?

Where can we find him?

Whe-where's who, sir?
That native fellow

you were dancing with.

The rainmaker.

Don't you realize if he went
to Washington with us,

have you any idea
what it would mean?

It would certainly shake up
the boys in meteorology.

Well, I think so.

Predicting the weather
is one thing,

but making the weather?

Why, we're just beginning
to experiment.

Of course, you'd have to do it
with a straight face.

A straight face?
Especially when they point out

to you that here in the tropics,

it can be sun shining one minute
and pouring down rain the next.

Could it have been
a coincidence?

It's a great
practical joke, sir.

I can see the expression
on the scientist's face,

and the generals are standing
around watching this guy...

[CHANTING IN HAWAIIAN]

I didn't know the general had
that sense of humor. Ah.

He hasn't.

[LAUGHS]

And this is gonna be
a very expensive joke.

Flying this guy to Washington.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh. Much too expensive.

I... I don't know what
I could have been thinking of.

I...

Oh, gentlemen, will you, uh,
please do me a favor?

Uh, forget... Forget
I ever mentioned it.

Please. Please, I'm...
Must get out of here.

It was a good idea.

Wait, please...

[SIGHS]

Oh, you're beautiful. You know,
you don't need a genie.

Yeah. Hey, listen,
let's find Jeannie and get...

Get the king. Come on.

Oh.

All right, Roger...
you go that way.

I'll go this way.

Wait a minute. Maybe we better
forget about the whole thing.

We can't let our king
run around loose.

Wait a minute. Which way
was I supposed to go again?

Roger!

Don't tell me, don't tell me.

[GLASS BREAKING]

I think we have found him again.

[♪]

Progress, phooey!

Oh!
Oh, no!

[SHOUTING]

Come here, Roger.

Come on, come on.
Oh. Oh.

Are you all right, sir?
Oh, yeah.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] Whoa!

Oh.
We thought we had lost you.

It's dead.

Who's dead?
Who's dead?

Who's dead?

What is it, sir?

There is no green grass.
They have killed it.

You have done this.

Is Pali still here?

Pali?
Pali?

Oh, uh, the... The scene
of your big victory.

Yes, sir.
It certainly is.

Would you...
Would you like to see it?

I see it with my army.

I-I beg your pardon?

Yes, Kamehameha Nui raise army.

Free his people.
Take back Hawaii.

[LAUGHING] You must be joking, sir.
Uh, I...

You just can't raise an army

and take over
an island this size.

Oh, yes, he can, master.

Uh, just stay out
of this, Jeannie.

BELLOWS: Major Nelson. Huh?

Ah... Roger.

Would you like to keep
an eye on the king, please?

Yes, sir.
Can I help you?

General Laughton is giving
a luau tonight,

and he asked
that you both be invited.

Oh, well, I'm afraid
I can't tonight, sir.

Uh, 7:00.

Good. Now if you will excuse me,
I have a meeting.

Uh, yes, sir.
Yes, sir.

He's having a meeting,
and we're having an invasion.

Oh. Don't worry about
King Kamehameha.

Jeannie's got her eye on him.

[LAUGHS]

What are you doing?
What are you doing here?

I am eating pineapple, master.

Where's King Kamehameha?

[CHUCKLES I do not know, master.

Do you know these are
delicious with salt?

Salt already.

You mean you let him
out of your sight?

Why, yes, master.

You told me not to interfere.

Why don't we put in
for a transfer?

Maybe... Maybe to
submarine service.

Yeah. Well...
It's nothing to worry about.

He's probably forgotten
all about it.

Yeah.
The invasion idea.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

I do not think so.

[LAUGHS]

[BIRD CAWS]

Ah. Good war canoe.
I take.

Uh, anything you say, chief.
You want to rent one?

I need 1000 war canoes.

Yeah, sure.
I can let you have five,

but the others
won't be back till 3:30.

And they're $2 an hour.
Hm.

Five. Never mind.
I invade by land.

Sure getting some
wild tourists this season.

The... These plastic pineapples
are just darling. Oh!

[SPEAKS IN HAWAIIAN]

Oh! That would look
wonderful on my husband.

Where did you get that?

Bah!
[GASPS]

Well...

Ah.
[SPEAKS IN HAWAIIAN]

I want 1000 spear.

A thousand spears?

What do you wanna do?
Start a war?

I have this nice book...

[GRUNTS]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]

MAN: Hey, Carla, could
you come here a minute?

Okay.

Play drum.

[TRIBAL BEAT PLAYING]

When do I get paid?

Louder.

Hey! Turn that
radio down.

That's no radio. That's an
old Hawaiian war call.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Who is in charge here?

It is King Kamehameha.
King Kamehameha has come back.

It is a miracle.

Rise.

What do you wish of us,
oh, mighty one?

Tonight, we conquer Hawaii.

[♪]

WOMAN:
I know, I know.

I sure wish I knew
where the king was right now.

I'll tell you
where he is, Roger.

He's up at the Pali
contemplating his own victory.

Oh, you don't think he's serious

about that...
That invasion business, do you?

[CHUCKLES]
No. Of course not.

[BIRD CALLING]

[MAKING BIRD CALLS]

[MAKING BIRD CALLS]

[PEOPLE
CHATTERING]

ROGER: Ah, look
what we have here.

TONY:
Oh. Thank you.

Ah, thank you.

Mine's a little rare,

why don't we go up
to my room and cook it?

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

ROGER:
Wow, are they beautiful. Whoo!

Are you enjoying
yourselves, gentlemen?

TONY: Oh, yes, sir,
thank you very much.

I'm looking forward to
a quiet and restful evening.

Don't worry about a thing.

[BIRD CALLS]

TONY: Boy, I'd like another rib.

Mine's a little rare.
Why don't we go...

Jeannie, what are you
doing here?

This is my first luau.

Oh, really?
Oh, you'll love it.

There's a lot of
great food and good music.

She can't stay.
You'll hate it.

The music's bad
and the food's bad.

Oh, I'm going to stay.
No, you're not.

Now, listen here...
Have fun.

TONY: Oh, wait a minute, Je...

Uh...

See those two?

They are the chiefs.
We kill them first.

We kill them?

I don't know. That's what
King Kamehameha ordered.

I'm going to be late,

we're having a dinner dance
at the country club.

Have you tried the poi,
Major Healey?

No, but I've certainly
heard a lot about it.

You just stick your finger
right in like this.

Oh.

Mm!

How is it, Roge?
Mm-mm.

[SHOUTING IN HAWAIIAN]

[MEN SHOUTING]

Oh, the entertainment's
starting.

Did you arrange
for this, doctor?

Uh, no, general.
Uh, did you, Major Nelson?

You may not believe it, but
I think they're attacking.

[LAUGHING]

[SHOUTING]

Wait a minute.
There's Gail.

There's Carla.

MAN:
Carla!

Oh, there is Tommy.

And Billy.

Come on.
The luau looks good.

Dave.

Oh. Hi, Yvonne.

What are you boys doing
with those spears?

It's kind of hard to explain.

Come, we have
extra food at the luau.

Why don't you come and join us?

Gee, I don't know.

Come on.

Look. That's what
the other boys are doing.

Why not?

[APPLAUSE]

This is a marvelous idea, major.

It almost looked real.

[LAUGHS] Yes, didn't it?

Where did you get
the hula girls?

What hula girls, sir? Look.

[♪]

[LAUGHTER,
CHATTER]

I wish you wouldn't
go back yet, sir.

I'd... I'd like another
chance to show you.

You should not have
brought me here.

My people have forgotten me.

Forgotten you?
Oh, but that is not true.

Everything I have tried
to do for them

was written on the wind.

Oh, you are wrong.
I will show you.

Wait. What are
you gonna do?

Master, do you not know
what day this is?

This is King Kamehameha Day.

I thought today was Monday.

[SIGHS]

Every year on June 11th,
your people honor your memory.

I do not believe this.

Oh, I will show you.

[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]

Not here.

Well... Wha...?
Very good.

Wha...? Look, Your Majesty.

This? To honor me?

Oh, yes, Your Majesty.

Ah.

I am not displeased.

[CHATTERING]

My people have not forgotten me.

I not understand
your way of life...

but my people seem happy.

Perhaps this progress

is good for them.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I am sure it is,
Your Majesty.

I am ready to return now.

Well, it's certainly been
a pleasure meeting you, sir.

[INDISTINCT
WORD]

Well, uh, maybe next time

you can show me
that coconut trick.

You make sure your civilization

take care of my people.

I know, I will.
Uh, you...

You can count on that, sir.

I am ready.

Oh, boy.
There goes one of

the nicest kings I ever met.

I wonder what King Tut was like?

Would you like
to meet him, general...?

Well... Just watch
the parade, huh?

I'll go too.

[♪]

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

[♪]