I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 3, Episode 11 - Tony's Wife - full transcript

[♪]

I've been looking
all over for you

and here you are.

I live here.

Oh, I did not know
you were coming, sister.

I've come to warn you.
You've got to get out of here.

[SCOFFS]

Get out of here?
But I live here.

Doll baby, have you read
your zodiac chart?

No.

You're under the terrible
sign of the jinx.



Everything you do
for the next 15 years

is going to be disastrous.

Oh...

If you hang around
your Major Nelson,

you're going to wipe him out.

Wipe him out?

Mmm, that's right.

Oh, dear, what am I going to do?

You're going to get out of here.

Go back to Baghdad.

Oh. For 15 years?

Oh, he will have
forgotten me by then.

Well, look at it this way,
darling.

It's for his own good.



I have never heard of this
terrible sign of the jinx.

Well, don't say
I didn't warn you, darling.

I must get back to my master.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, my sister
and her silly ideas.

[CAR HONKING]

Oh, my master...

[CRASHES]

[HONKING]

Oh!

Master.

That's the third accident
that's happened to me today.

[LAUGHS]

I must be jinxed.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Hello.

Oh, hello.

Was today any better, master?

Oh, not too bad.
Not too bad, Jeannie.

I slipped and fell
in a puddle of oil.

And I lost my wallet.

And I burned up
a fuel-ratio chart

I'd been working on
for the last couple of weeks,

but that is...

I just don't know
what's gone wrong, Jeannie.

I just...

Oh, do not worry, master.

It will not last much longer.

I hope not.

I don't think I can survive.

You don't mind if I have
dinner in bed?

Oh, I'm afraid not, master.

We are expecting a guest.

Tonight? Tonight?

Well, listen, I...

I'm not really in a mood
to have guests tonight.

Why don't you, uh...

You tell Mozart
or Shakespeare or King Lear...

Whoever it is.
Just tell them I'm tired.

I'm not interested in having them.
[KNOCKING]

Oh, it is too late.
Oh, no, it's not.

I'll get it,
and I'll send them away.

Please, please.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

Hi, I hope I'm not late.

I'm Helen Wheeler.

Hello.
Hi, how are you?

I'm so glad you could come.
Thank you.

This is Major Nelson.
How do you do?

I know, I'm a big fan of yours.
Oh?

Oh, you two have
so much in common.

Jeannie, um...
Jeannie.

Now just relax and pretend
like this is your home.

Jeannie, could I speak
to you a minute please?

Oh, well, I, uh...
I must see to the dinner.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Yeah.

Uh, you and Jeannie old friends?

Well, we met in the beauty
parlor this morning.

[♪]

Ahh.

Your sister certainly
thinks the world of you.

Yes, we have quite
a nice relationship.

My s...
My sister?

She adores you.

[LAUGHS]
Yes, yes. Good kid.

Would you excuse me
just a second? I have to...

Just make yourself at home, all right?
Certainly.

Jeannie.

Well, dinner will be ready
in a minute, master.

Never mind about dinner.
I wanna talk to you, sister.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, sister.

Yes, what do you think
you're doing?

Well, I'm finding you
a girlfriend.

Is she not pretty?

And she can cook and sew.

Yeah, w... Wait a minute.
What's going on?

The last girl I even looked at,

you turned into a chimpanzee.

What have... What have you got
in store for this one?

Oh, well, I will never behave
that way again, master.

I have been thinking,
and I want you to have

all the girlfriends you wish.

You what?

After all, you are a...
A handsome, young bachelor.

You should... You should be
going out every night.

Yeah, but I...

Well, I thought that
you and I had something...

Oh, well, for...
Forget about me, master.

You will like Helen,

and you have a great deal
in common.

I found her through
a computer machine

at a dating club.

A computer machine
at a dating club?

Helen graduated
from the University of Florida.

She has a mistress degree.

That... That's
a master's degree.

Oh, I thought when
you were a boy,

it was a master's degree,
but if you were a girl...

No, no.
No, it doesn't...

No, doesn't work that way.

Oh. Well, anyway.

She was voted
Miss North Cocoa Beach.

She has worked as a model.
She loves children.

Your sister's
my biggest booster.

Yeah, she seems to be.

Well, if you will excuse me now,
I think I will go, uh...

Um, clean up the patio.

At midnight?

HELEN: Oh, I had no
idea it was that late.

Would you mind
calling a taxi for me?

Oh, Major Nelson
will drive you home.

Sure, sure.
Why don't you come with us, huh?

[PHONE RINGS]

Don't...
Hello?

Don't answer the phone,
would you, please?

It is for me.

I cannot talk now.

[QUIETLY] He's here.

Yes, I remember what you said.

Then why aren't you
out of there, darling?

I will leave as soon as I can.

I-I will meet you later.

Ah, good show.

[LAUGHS]

And who was that, huh?
Mm. Ah!

A friend.
Shall we go?

Oh, yes, you two just run along.

Yeah, she probably
has a date or something.

Yes.
You do?

Uh-huh.

You have a date?
Mm-hm.

Tonight?
Mm-hm.

Oh, well, I...

Well, I guess we better
be running along.

Bye, Jeannie.
Thanks for the dinner.

Oh, it was nothing.

Have a good time.

Thank you.

I will.

Well, good night... sis.

He's gone.

Oh, yes.

If only I could tell him
why I must leave.

And have him beg you to stay?

Oh, believe me, darling,

the best thing for you to do

is to go on back home

and don't say a word to him.

But he is already suspicious.

He's wondering
why I'm introducing

beautiful girls to him.

[LAUGHS]

Yes.

I'd like to know too.

I am doing it

because I cannot bear
the thought of him being alone

all those years.

I must get him married
before I leave.

Get him...?

[LAUGHS]

Good thinking, good thinking.

My, when they passed out
brains in our family,

they really gave you
an extra helping.

Thank you.

[♪]

[LAUGHS]

She's incredible.

Imagine,
a genie believing in jinxes.

[LAUGHS]

Well, time to go to work.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Thanks so much
for bringing me home.

My pleasure.

Will I see you again?

Well, I, uh, certainly...
[SQUEALS]

Oh! Oh!

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHING]

Not if I can help it, darling.

Wait!
Oh!

Oh!

And you think I did it?

Well, it wouldn't be
the first time.

A-are you sure
you didn't get jealous...

Oh, of course not, master.

I wanted you to go out with her.

All I was doing
is standing there

saying good night,

and the whole trellis
fell down on top of me.

Well, it, uh,
must have been an accident.

Yeah, I... I guess
they don't build trellises

the way they used to, huh?

Do you like her, master?
Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
She's a very nice girl.

Then you will see her
again tomorrow night.

No, you and I are going
to the ballet tomorrow night.

Oh, well, I...
I am sorry. I cannot.

I... I made another date.

Oh, I see.
Well, hope you go and...

have a lot of fun.

Mm-hm. I will.

Good.

Good night.

Good night.

Poor master.

Oh, poor me.

It's Major Nelson here.

Has Major Healey
come to the gate yet?

I... I see.

When he does, would you have him
drop in and see me at my office?

Yes, it's...
It's rather important.

Thank you.
Major?

Oh.

I was in the building.

I just had to drop in
and say hello.

Nice to see you.
Oh, Amanda.

You really shouldn't
barge in like this.

I'm sure that Major Nelson's

in the middle of something
very important.

No. I... I just had a
wonderful idea, major.

Alfred told me that you play
a marvelous game of bridge.

Well, I...
I play occasionally, yes.

Well, now, if you're not
going to be busy

a week from tonight,

Alfred and I would love
to have you come by the house

and play bridge with us.

You see, the Leeds,
our regular partners,

are out of town.

Perhaps you'd like
to bring someone.

Good idea.

Yes, major, how about,
uh, your girlfriend?

Um, well, as a matter of fact,

there is someone
I'd like to bring.

Oh, lovely. Well, we'll be
looking forward to it.

Oh, well, thank you. Oh, hi.

I'm sorry, I didn't know
you had company.

The gate said
you wanted to see me.

We were about to leave.

Hello, Major Healey.
Hello, Mrs. Bellows.

Oh, incidentally, major,
do you play bridge?

Amanda.

Hm?
[GROANS]

Goodbye.

I can't wait
to see him on the moon.

Is anything wrong?
They said it was urgent.

Yeah, I got a problem.
It's Jeannie.

Did anything happen to Jeannie?

I think she's trying
to get rid of me.

Why would she wanna do that?

She's crazy about you.

Yeah, well, I thought so too.

She brought a...

A beautiful girl
home last night, Roger.

Practically threw her at me.
I mean, she was gorgeous.

She said
if I don't like this one,

she'll get me another one.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Jeannie brought
a beautiful girl home to you,

and said if you didn't like her,
she'd get another.

She never did anything
like this before.

Yeah, well, I happen
to be free tonight,

maybe the other girl,
you could get for me.

I think she's planning on...
On leaving me.

Did you have a fight
or something?

No, I didn't have any fight.

I... Well, I don't think so.

I don't know, I just don't know.

Well, maybe, uh,
she's just tired of you,

and she wants a new master.

Wha...?
What do you mean?

You're not so easy
to live with, you know.

Who says so?

All she wants to do
is please you,

and what do you do?
What?

You yell, you never
take her to dinner.

You always leave her home.
You take her for granted.

You wanna know something?
You're a rotten master.

I am not a rotten master.
I happen to be very good.

I gotta put up with a lot...

You gotta put up with a lot?
That's pretty funny.

You gotta put up with...

I waited all morning to hear you
give me this kind of advice?

You waited all morning?

If you don't want my advice,
why don't you just get out?

You bet your life!
Yeah, you bet your life, yeah.

Oh.

And I have to... He...

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm...
I'm sorry too.

Besides, it's...
It's my office.

Yeah.

It's your...
It's your office.

Silly argument.

Nice one.

You look very nice, master.

Oh, thanks, Jeannie.

I hope Helen thinks so.

Oh, I am sure she will.

The computing machine
said she would be

the perfect mate for you.

Oh, yeah.

I can't thank you enough

for finding Helen for me,
Jeannie.

She's really a wonderful girl.

Bright and beautiful and warm.

Warm?
Mm-hm.

Oh, well, I...
I'm glad.

Jeannie?
Yes, master.

You know, um...

I don't have to take
Helen out tonight.

I mean, I thought
maybe you and I could

take a drive on the beach.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, master.

But I cannot break my date.

Oh. I see.

Well...
Well, have fun.

Oh.

Thank you, master.
I... I will.

I'm gonna have a lot of fun.

Oh, I hope so.

I wish I had been born a turtle.

[♪]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, it's such a beautiful day
for a drive.

Yeah, yeah.
Cocoa Beach really...

Really a beautiful place
this time of year.

Look at how green this park is.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, we should have
our next picnic here.

Oh, good idea.

[SCREAMS]

I can't...
Can't see!

[TONY SCREAMS]

[HELEN SCREAMS]

Jeannie!
Jea...

What are you trying
to do to me, anyway?

I could have been killed.
What happened?

You know perfectly well
what happened.

The top of my car attacked me.

Oh, dear.
Oh, well, I...

I-I-I must fix it.

You've fixed enough already.

Listen, if you're jealous of me
because I'm taking Helen out...

Oh, no, master, no.
I want you to take her out.

Yeah?
Mm-hm.

You do?

Well, good. Good.

Because I'm taking her out
on a picnic tomorrow.

Hope you're hungry,
'cause I have nothing but food.

Oh, good, good.
What did you bring?

Well, I have a little chicken
and I have little sandwiches.

Yeah?
And fruits.

Wait till you see this chicken.

There we are.

Is there any left?

What?

Orange juice.
Oh, sure.

May I?

[GASPS]

Tony!

Oh, darling.

I did not.
You did too.

I did not.
You did.

Listen, I'm taking
Helen out again,

and just to make certain
you're not gonna interfere,

I want you to get back
in your bottle.

Oh, but, master...
Get. Now, go on in.

In.
Oh, no, you do not...

Come on, in.
But...

Jeannie.
I can't...

[SQUEALS]

Very well, master.

Thank you.

Yeah.

[♪]

[♪]

Tony, the canoe!

[SCREAMING]

Jeannie!

Somebody help!

Hey!

Over here, Tony.

Helen, come here.

HELEN:
Oh, help me. Help!

Helen.

Help!

Helen!

Stop. Wait.
Come back.

[LAUGHS]

[♪]

All right, I don't know how
you got out of there,

but I'm sure gonna find out...

You're still in there.

Jeannie, would you come
out of there, please?

Oh, you are home ear...

You are wet.

Uh-huh.

Oh, thanks.

What happened?

Oh, just another one
of my little accidents.

Wait a minute. You...
You couldn't have done it.

You were in the bottle.
You didn't do it.

No.

Now, what's going on here?

Now, what is it?

I am bringing you bad luck.

Who told you that?

My sister.

Your si...? Your sister?

Your sister's back here again?
Huh, your sister?

She said that I must leave you
for the next 15 years.

I am under the terrible sign
of the jinx.

Jeannie, don't you realize
she's tricked you again?

There's... There's no
terrible sign of the jinx.

She's responsible
for all these accidents.

Then I do not have to leave you?

No, of course not.

Oh, I'm so happy! Ah!

Shh. Where is she?
Where is who?

Your sister.
Oh, I do not know.

We've gotta catch her.

Well... Well, how
are we go... Shh.

Going to do that?

We are going to trap her.

And we've gotta make
her show herself,

and then we'll trap her.

Oh, but master, she's very...
Shh.

She's very powerful.
How are you going to do that?

Uh, well, we've gotta find
some bait for the trap.

Uh, let's see.
Does she like, um, um, furs?

Furs?
No.

Um...

Yachts?
No.

Uh, caviar?
No.

Uh, perfume?
No.

Uh, men?
No. Yes.

What, men?
Perfume.

Yeah?

Oh, she's so spoiled

she makes her master keep her
in a perfume bottle.

Yeah?
[LAUGHING]

Okay, we'll just spoil her
a little more.

Uh, now I've gotta get dressed,

I'm taking Helen
to a bridge party

at Dr. Bellows' tonight.

You're going out
with Helen tonight?

Well, it was your idea, you know.
Oh, but I...

Jeannie, I'm doing it for you.

[♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

BELLOWS: Oh, here they are.
AMANDA: Yeah.

Well, good evening,
Major Nelson.

Dr. Bellows,
Mrs. Bellows.

This is Helen Wheeler.

Well, hello, Miss Wheeler.
Welcome, Helen.

Sorry I'm late.
Oh.

I had to drop into a store

to get, uh, Mrs. Bellows
a little present.

Well, now.
How thoughtful of you, major.

Thank you.
That's nice.

Uh...

Maybe you'd like to open it?

Now?
Yes.

Yes, why not?

Oh, Miss Wheeler,
won't you, uh...

Please call me Helen.

Let's see, let's see.

Oh, major, it's Miss Moderne.
That is my very favorite.

Oh, really?
Thank you so much.

I'm so glad you like it,
it's nothing.

Maybe you'd like to try it, huh?

Why now?

Well, I love the smell
of perfume, sir.

Oh.
Don't you?

Well, I...
All right.

Love, this is my favorite.

[SNIFFS] Mm.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

Helen?

Well, all right.

Dr. Bellows?
Major.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry.

BELLOWS:
Major...

Can we begin now, please?
Yes, of course.

[BELLOWS HUMMING]

Major.
Yes?

It's your play.
Mm? Oh, yes.

All right, sir.

Major.
Mm-hm?

Clubs are called for.

Oh. Can I take it back?

You have to.

Major, have you ever played
this game before?

Oh, yes.

My trick.

HELEN: May I have some water?
BELLOWS: Oh, certainly.

Excuse me.

I'll get some too.

Uh...

Here you are, Mrs. Bellows.
Thank you very much.

Here you are, Helen.
Thank you.

You trumped my ace.

Huh?

Oh, oh...

Well, that...

That was my card, yeah.
What...

Major, you have
your whole hand exposed.

Oh. Uh.

I'm sorry.

Gotcha!

Oh, I think you're mad.
What are you doing?

Uh, Mrs. Bellows, I wonder
if I could talk to you, please.

Yes, what?

May I borrow your perfume?

Whatever for?

I forgot it's Helen's birthday,
and, uh, she loves perfume.

Major, it's been opened.

Yes, I... I know, but it's...
It's the sentiment that counts.

She's very sentimental.

Well, if you think she'd like
an unwrapped, open bottle

of someone else's perfume,
go right ahead.

That's very kind of you.

Would you like the box?
Oh, major.

I don't know what's
the matter with you tonight.

Now, look...
It's...

It's 9:00, sir.
So?

Well, I've been working
for three and a half weeks

on the Sagittarius project.

I had no idea.

I'm sorry, I just can't
keep my eyes open.

I guess in that case, we
can't expect... Helen.

Thank you so much, sir.

You must come again.

Thanks for the bridge game.
We'll do it again.

Good night.
Thank you, good night.

You know, really, Amanda,
sometimes I feel that every...

Your towel.

Alfred.
Yes, Amanda.

Darling, do you really think
you're helping the major?

Hmm.

Jeannie, I got her. Jeannie!

Yes, master.
Oh. I got her.

Oh, how wonderful.
Safely locked away.

When are we going
to let her out?

We're not gonna let her out.

You're gonna put her someplace

where we won't have
to worry about her again.

Oh, but master...
Wait a minute.

I went through a lot of trouble
to catch that young girl.

You get rid of her.

Put her someplace where we won't
have to see her for 2000 years.

Oh, well,
I cannot do that, master.

But I have a better idea.

What?

There, we will mail her back
to her master in Baghdad.

[LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

Oh, you look beautiful, master.

Oh, thank you.

I suppose you will be going
to the Surf for dinner.

Mm-hm.

And then perhaps dancing
and a-a drive along the beach.

That's right.

It is a beautiful night for it.

Yeah, yeah.
Full moon.

Have a wonderful time.
I will.

A-and do not worry
about getting home early.

I won't.
I will be fine.

Good.

Good night, Jeannie.
Good night.

Well, why should he not
go out with Helen?

The computer said
she would be perfect for him.

Oh, what does
the old computer know?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who is it?

Me.

Master. Well, aren't
you dressed yet?

They're not gonna hold a table.
It's a very busy restaurant.

But I thought...

You know I hate to have a date
keep me waiting.

Now will you hurry up?

Oh, master.

Oh, I am so happy.

Jeannie.

The next time you wanna know
who's right for me...

don't ask a machine.

Ask me.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who is it?
Me.

Oh, it's Roge.

Hi.
Hi, Roge.

Hi. You sure have a
sweet-smelling mailbox.

Look what just I found,
a bottle of perfume.

No, don't open...
Whoa!

[SCREAMING]

[♪]