Hustle (2004–2012): Season 8, Episode 5 - Ding Dong That's My Song - full transcript
Dale Ridley,a former TV game show host sacked for corruption,is now an equally dishonest property developer,bribing his way into getting what he wants but clever enough to let his minions ...
That was a fantastic meal.
The pleasure was all ours, Albert.
No, it was Luigi's, actually,
so let's get a move on.
Well the rest of the day
is yours, Albert.
- What would you like to do?
- Your wish is our command.
Well, how about
the first flight to Vegas?
Well, we thought maybe
bungee jumping over the Thames.
Or go-karting?
Oh, I'll whoop your ass,
you young whippersnapper.
You probably would, actually.
Oh, let me see. I know what.
I'm feeling nostalgic.
How about a snifter
at The Royal Mayfair Club?
- That's where I roped my first mark.
- Sounds good to me.
It's a huge, domed atrium,
filled with natural light.
But, more importantly, it has the best
choice of brandies this side of Paris.
Let's do it.
I see what you mean
about the natural light.
It was an iconic building.
A monument to
Anglo-American relations.
Roped some of
my biggest marks there, ever.
Hmm. The soulless son of a bitch
who pulled it down should be strung up.
Better still, Albert,
let's hit him where it really hurts, huh?
Agreed.
So who is he?
It turns out that Starfire Property Holdings
is owned by none other than Dale Ridley.
- Dale who?
- Ridley. You know,
Ding dong, that's my song!
- I think it's time you took your pill, mate.
- Never mind. They're too young.
Oh right, well, you know,
back in the day, the late '80s,
he was game show gold.
Big hair, big teeth,
more cheese than the Cheddar Gorge.
Take a butcher's at this. Albert.
It's Friday,
and it's live from London City Studios,
it's the greatest game show on earth,
Ding Dong, That's My Song!
Tonight's fabulous prizes include
a personal stereo,
an electronic typewriter,
and a luxury caravan holiday for four!
And here's your host, Dale Ridley!
So, Julia...
- Tell me about yourself.
- This is painful.
Oh, dear.
Was it, A:
Howard Jones?
A- ha?
Or C: Bronski Beat?
Bronski Beat?
Wow!
Ding dong, that's my song!
- Ding dong, that's my song!
- Ding dong, that's my song.
Excruciating, I know.
But every Saturday night,
15 million of us were glued to that crap.
Were you?
When I say "us",
I don't mean me, obviously.
- You know, I mean "us" as a nation.
- Ah, right.
Anyway, I was more, erm...
I was more World About Us.
- Obviously.
- So what happened to Ridley?
Well, fame and fortune
went to his head.
He reckoned he was
the saviour of commercial TV.
He started trying to push them around,
making petty demands
when it was time for a new contract.
What finished him
was a big TV charity night.
London City Studios got him on tape,
demanding 20% of whatever
the charity made in return for hosting it.
Next morning it was all over the papers.
And that was that.
The network fired him on the spot
and no one else would touch him.
What did he do next?
Well, he crawled back
to his Birmingham mansion and hid.
And five years later, he re-emerged
as a property entrepreneur.
First thing he did
was buy an old folks' home.
The moment he had his hands on it,
he shut it down,
turfed out 35 OAPs
and then brought in the bulldozers.
A month later, he sold it to a developer
for twice what he paid for it.
So he stuck at it,
only this time on a much bigger scale.
Victorian warehouses, factories,
historic mills, all in great locations
bought at knockdown prices,
often before they'd
even come on to the market.
- How?
- Backhanders to local councillors,
agents, consultants.
They made sure the sales were completed
before anyone else got a look-in.
So how come no one's
cottoned on to the bribery?
It looks like they did.
He upset rival developers, councils
and heritage groups
from Leicester to Ludlow.
That's when he started
buying property in London.
Where's he based?
Right now,
he's staying at the Union House Hotel.
It just so happens I play poker
with the concierge there.
Surprise, surprise.
- How long is he in town?
- Well, less than a week.
OK then, no time to lose.
Let's get out there and find a way in.
Ding dong.
Eh, ladies?
Ding dong, that's my song? Eh?
- What is he doing?
- Bloody tourists.
- Oi!
- Hello, sir?
Two theatre tickets, tonight.
Decent seats, nothing too intellectual.
Sort it, yeah?
- I've got those spreadsheets to do tonight.
- I'm not taking you, you oaf.
I fancy a blonde tonight.
Big but small, know what I mean?
- Sort it, yeah?
- Big but small...
Hello, baby dream, I was just
thinking about you and Dale Junior.
Have you been in touch
with the heritage people yet?
- I'm waiting for a call back.
- Make sure you deal with a man.
- Why?
- Women have scruples.
- Bad for business.
- Right.
Take him to a fancy restaurant,
fill him full of vodka,
take him to a titty bar,
and then hit him with the money.
Oh, right, OK.
It's only...
my old boss always used to say,
"Never mix business with pleasure."
Really?
Let me ask you this, Gibbs.
How big was his yacht?
- I don't think he had one.
- Really?
- How many Ferraris in his garage?
- He didn't.
No? Surprise, surprise.
You starting to get the picture?
There are no boundaries
between business and pleasure.
Right, OK, I get it. So if you enjoy
what you do, it's all pleasure.
No, you thicko.
Rule one - it's all business.
Stick around, kid.
Learn from the master.
What was it?
The National Victorian Library.
It should burn well, then.
I'll save money on the bulldozers.
How big's the site? Square feet?
Just under 8,000.
Too small.
I want scale. I want impressive.
What, bigger than this?
There's barely room to swing
a heritage commissioner in there.
Think Premiership, not Conference.
But it's difficult in London.
There's a lot more competition.
Rule one -
do not be afraid of competition.
Nobody wants to win a one-horse race.
- I thought rule one was...
- Shut it!
Come on.
So what have we got?
Well, you were right
about how he does business.
He pays off agents, council officials,
heritage commissioners
to make sure the deal goes his way,
and always for the right price.
In fact his motto is,
"Everybody has their price."
Ah!
Well, why hasn't he been prosecuted?
Well, he never does the dirty deed himself.
He always leaves it
to one of his apprentices.
Three of his employees
have done time in the last five years.
- And they never squeal?
- Almost certainly.
Ridley's smart enough
never to leave a trail.
What about his corporate structure?
He runs all his projects
through Starfire Property Holdings,
but he creams off all the profits
into offshore accounts to avoid paying tax.
- How big is his operation?
- It's difficult to get exact figures,
but I'd say he's doing about eight deals
a year, ?3 to ?5 million each.
He's got his eyes set on bigger
opportunities here in London.
So we'll need to find something
that'll float his boat.
A tasty little deal somewhere.
What about a tasty big deal?
Seems London City Studios
are up for sale.
- That's a bit out of his league, isn't it?
- Exactly.
So that means he'll need partners.
Oh, he's gonna love this, isn't he, eh?
The smell of easy money,
the kudos of the big deal,
and the icing on the cake, revenge.
He gets to be involved
in tearing down the studio.
What a sweet little plan, Michael.
And the best bit
is the bidding's about to close.
Excuse me, do you know
where I can find "Three Socks" Morgan?
Who wants to know?
Which one of youse is
"Three Socks" Morgan?
You don't remember me, do you?
Er... No. Should I?
Relax. You're not my dad
or anything weird like that.
- Phew! Lucky for you.
- The thought never crossed my mind.
So who are you, kid?
It's me. Alfie Beezer.
Your godson.
'Course you are.
Yeah, the eyes.
- Where's your dad?
- He's at the airport.
Eh?
"Dear Ash,
"sorry to do this to you, but I need you
to look after the kid for a few days.
"I had to get on a plane to Amsterdam
to salvage a big score.
"The kid's nan's in Spain
"and I was stuck,
so I thought it was time
"you did your godfatherly thing.
"I owe you big time. Love, Beezer.
"P.S. Watch the kid,
he's a slippery sod."
No, the last bit's a lie.
If I do this...
You gotta choose a card, remember it,
and if I guess it...
gimme a pound coin.
Yeah, all right, yeah.
Was it the ace of hearts?
Cor blimey, how'd he do that?
Here you are.
Johnny Beezer was a roper
I worked with back in the '90s.
He got his bird up the duff, and hey presto,
along comes little Alfie there.
So me and Beezer
down a few pints to celebrate.
Eight pints in
and he asks me to be godfather.
What could I say?
Probably not a lot after eight pints.
Well, that was
the last time I saw him.
How come?
Cos the next day Beezer found out
that Alfie's mum was having it away
with her gyny.
What, while she was...
Well, each to his own.
Anyway, Beezer takes Alfie back
to Manchester to live with his nan.
Haven't seen him since.
Look, we can't work a con
while we're looking after a kid.
No, I'll talk to Beezer.
Can I borrow a pound?
Yeah, all right.
If I can make this pound disappear, without
you knowing where it's gone, can I keep it?
Yeah, go on then.
Do that again.
Well, I need another pound.
Hang on, here.
What if we took it in turns
to look after him?
I don't know,
the kid could be a complete liability.
I won't be, I promise.
Hey! You should be in bed.
Maybe I can help.
Yeah, you can help
by going back to bed.
I've worked on Dad's cons
loads of times.
I won't be any trouble, I promise.
- That's not what your dad said.
- Well, he was joking.
Oh, please?
Well, we've all got to start somewhere.
All right, maybe he could just help out
behind the scenes, back here?
- Your responsibility.
- Why mine?
- Cos you were the first to crack.
- Mmm.
Fine.
OK, kid, it's agreed. You're in.
Yes!
And when we're busy,
Eddie can baby-sit.
I don't know if he can afford it.
The kid's already taken him for 20.
Twenty-five, actually.
OK then, let's get started.
I thought I was gonna
get to do something.
Oh, stop complaining.
You said you wanted a burger,
and you've had one.
You said I was gonna
be involved in a con.
- You will be.
- Doing what?
I don't know yet, all right?
Just something back in the apartment.
That sounds boring.
Why can't I be the roper?
Because Albert's the roper.
And you're only 11.
That can be an advantage sometimes.
No one suspects an 11-year-old.
They would if they met you.
Look, if you don't want me to do
anything, I'll just watch.
Alfie, can we stop talking?
Just for five minutes.
All right?
Hi, Ash.
- Do you want to see a trick?
- What?
- Hold this and wait here.
- Yes, all right, go on then.
I'm exhausted!
I've done the London Eye
and he's had some food,
so, now we're on our way back. OK?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. He's...
He won't shut up.
Literally. No, he's just
on and on at me.
All of the time, like, you have to
chatter even more to stop him talking.
Yeah, yeah, he's got all the questions.
I can't answer them. I'm coming home.
Ash, listen to me,
I'm coming home.
It's Sean's turn. Or your turn.
Excuse me.
- Hmm?
- Er, can you please hold this for me?
- All right.
- Cheers.
OK. I'll see you later.
What?
Flipping heck.
I want the next flight home.
They can't exclude us from the sale
just because we're Americans.
Not officially, they can't.
But, at the end of the day,
if the chairman's got some
kind of grudge against Americans,
there's not a whole hell of a lot
we can do about it.
And you've found that out just now?
In 24 hours the bidding closes.
I only found out because
their consultants told me an hour ago
the chairman was cleaned out
by his American ex-wife.
- Henry, come on, we can't win 'em all.
- Let me set you straight, Strickland.
I never lose.
As soon as I get to Boston,
I'm going to contact my lawyers,
and have them start legal proceedings
against London City Studios.
I want that site.
Yeah. OK.
Good.
Wait here.
I'm Henry Sellworth, checking out.
I'd like some information...
on our American friends.
Bandit at two o'clock.
Helius International.
Keep going.
- A little busy right now, kid.
- Whoa, was that the mark?
Mickey, I'm sorry, he just slipped away.
Do we have a problem?
- I don't think so.
- OK.
That was, er... really funny.
I just wanted to help.
Yeah, well, pull something like that again
and you're in big trouble, mister.
Get over here.
See you in Boston.
OK.
This is incredible.
What?
- You know the London City Studios?
- Yeah, it's up for sale.
Exactly.
And it's out of our price range
by a factor of 10.
Was.
Eh?
I'll explain in the lift.
He could have ruined the whole con.
How did he know where the hotel is?
Well, that's just the scary thing.
It's like he knows everything.
The kid's smart.
He's listening to everything we say.
How did he get away from you again?
I don't know, I was just... I looked away
for a moment and he was just gone.
It was the old
"string around the corner" trick.
Uh-huh?
Shut up.
Tell me he's having a laugh.
- My dad says, "The old ones are best."
- Did you seriously fall for the string trick?
- No.
- Yeah, you did.
No! I was distracted
cos I was on the phone.
Oh, well, in that case,
you were on the phone.
What's it worth not to tell Mickey?
All right, do you know what?
If it's so funny, he's all yours.
Just have to be in the right place
at the right time.
This could be sweet.
Here we are.
"Helius International
Property Investments."
Started in 1982, Boston.
3.4 billion portfolio,
in the US, Canada and Europe.
Serious players, then.
There's one of them.
"Henry Sellworth, Chairman."
And there's the other one,
"Brett Strickland,
"Head of Acquisitions,
Western Europe."
London City Studios is perfect for them.
Big site, central location.
Just demolish what's there
and stick up one of their shopping centres.
Yeah. But they can't get it...
because the chairman's
got a grudge against Yanks.
So what are you thinking, boss?
We front the bid for them?
Why not?
Surely they could deal
with any property company in the UK.
Not when the bidding closes
in 24 hours, they can't.
That's why they've thrown in the towel.
We better catch them
before they get on a plane.
Just try to look intelligent.
Mr Strickland?
Yes?
Sorry for interrupting.
My name's Dale Ridley.
I'm the chairman and chief executive
of Starfire Property Holdings.
- And this is my apprentice, Mr Gibbs.
- Hi.
OK.
So, how do you guys know my name?
I'm a big fan.
I like to think of Helius International
as a role model for... for my company.
- That's great to hear, Mr, er...
- Ridley.
...Ridley, but if you'll excuse me
I'm on my way to the airport.
Give me two minutes
and I will give you
a game-changing opportunity.
OK, well, I'm all ears
until my cab arrives.
Ah!
London City Studios.
I think we can help.
How?
Your bid has hit the buffers because
Helius is an American company. Correct?
I'm sorry,
but how do you know all this?
Information is everything.
OK, so what exactly do you want?
We're a UK company, specialising
in land and property acquisitions.
In short, Mr Strickland...
we can front your bid.
Why not just bid yourself?
Simple. Don't have access
to that level of funding.
OK. I see.
Look, er... I admire your opportunism.
But the idea that a ?100 million
deal can be secured
on the basis of a two-minute conversation
with a perfect stranger,
a day before the bidding closes,
is frankly laughable.
Seize the moment and seize the deal.
That's my motto, Mr Strickland.
Or one of them, anyway.
I am offering you
the chance to save this deal,
and to enhance your standing
within your company.
OK.
Let's say I go for this opportunity of yours.
What do you get out of it?
10% of the bid price.
Ten perc...
I'm sorry, I have a flight to catch.
Think about it.
Call me.
Well, I suppose it was worth a shot.
Trust me, he'll ring.
It feels like yesterday.
The fans used to be there, waiting.
Waving to me as I swept in,
in the Bentley.
A table in all the best restaurants.
Champagne on ice in every club.
Women coming up to me in the street,
begging me to say those magic words.
What?
Ding dong, that's my song!
Three times I was on the cover
of the TV Times, I was.
Felt like I owned the place,
and the people in it.
Everyone sang to my song.
You should have known me
back then, Gibbs.
Not that I'd have given the time of day
to someone like you, obviously.
But it would have given you an insight
into the man you see before you.
Go and have a word with that
security guard. See if he remembers me.
See if he'll let us in for a look around.
Did he remember me?
Yeah, eventually. He's been working
on the gate for 30-odd years.
- What did he say?
- Well, just...
No, no, no, no.
Go on, go on. What did he say?
He said you were a greedy scumbag
and that, as far as he knows, your lifetime
ban from the studios is still in place.
Yeah, well, the same to you, mate!
Just you wait!
We'll see who has the last laugh!
My dad always talks about you.
"Three Socks" this, "Three Socks" that.
Why are you called "Three Socks" anyway?
Oh, well, it's a long story.
- How is your dad?
- Yeah, he's good.
Is he...
Is he with anyone, you know?
Yeah, me.
No, no, no. No, I mean like a girlfriend.
Oh, sometimes.
What about you, Uncle Ash?
Yeah, well, sometimes.
- You got any children?
- No.
Oh. Are you gay?
No, I'm not gay, thank you.
Nothing wrong if you are.
I know. I'm just not gay, all right?
Just asking.
So, what's my fee gonna be?
Er, what fee's that then?
For the con.
You said I was part of the team.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You see, now, your fee, right, is learning.
You know, from us.
It's worth more than money, that is.
Oh, OK.
Tell you what, if I can trick you out of some
of the money you make from the con,
- can I keep it?
- Hang on, hang on, let me get this straight.
If you can trick me
out of some of the money -
assuming we get it, that is -
I let you keep it?
Yeah.
What's the problem?
Scared the great "Three Socks" Morgan
is gonna be outsmarted by an 11-year-old?
No, no, no. No, I just don't want to
crush your confidence, you cheeky sod.
Deal?
Yeah, all right, deal.
Hee-hee!
So how are we gonna get him
into the studios?
From what I've heard,
the place is like Fort Knox.
We're not.
- How come?
- Well, he doesn't need to go there.
He just needs to do the presentation to you.
How are you getting on with the offices?
- Well, I've had a rethink.
- Oh?
Yeah, the name of the London City Studios'
property developers is already out there.
Weinstein De Vere, they're a big company
with swanky West End offices.
So we have to assume that Ridley
at least knows of them.
We can't risk faking it.
So what were you thinking?
Well, we get Ridley to do the
presentation at Weinstein De Vere.
What, in their actual offices?
Yeah, in the boardroom.
Yeah, obviously.
As my dad always says,
"Can't have much more convincing
than the real thing."
Is the shark with you?
Nah, he's been following me
since I left the aquarium.
So how are you gonna
pull this one off, Uncle Ash?
Yeah, how are you gonna
pull this one off, Uncle Ash?
Well, you know, I'm erm...
I'm working on it, ain't I?
I think it's time to put our friend
out of his misery.
Ah, Mr Ridley. Brett Strickland.
No, no, actually,
my flight's been delayed.
Perhaps we should meet.
Yeah. Yeah, that works for me.
OK.
I've spoken to Mr Sellworth
about your proposal, and he's interested.
But we would need to move fast.
You have to meet with Weinstein De Vere,
the property consultants
handling the sealed bids.
No problem, we can arrange
a meeting for tomorrow.
How much are you proposing to bid?
A hundred million.
Any flexibility in that?
We want the building, and our analysts
believe that 100 million should swing it.
Let's hope they're right.
So the only outstanding issue is your fee.
10% is completely out of the question.
So what are you thinking?
A flat million.
That will barely cover my costs.
Plus, we are talking
about your reputation.
Picture the scene -
you arriving back in Boston
with a $100 million contract
in your pocket,
that you've salvaged
by using your intuitive brilliance
and relentless determination
on behalf of Helius International.
That's got to be worth 5 million
of anybody's money, surely.
- Two.
- Three.
- Two point five.
- Done.
Good. You'll front the bid on behalf
of your company.
If you win, we will put up the money.
And you will pass full ownership
of the building over to us,
in exchange for ?2.5 million.
Do we have a deal?
There's one more thing I need.
I'm done negotiating, Mr Ridley.
Oh, I'm sure you'll be OK with this.
I'm assuming you'll be demolishing
and building from scratch.
- Of course.
- In that case,
I would like to drive the first bulldozer
through the front of the building.
You want to drive the bulldozer?
That's right.
Through the front wall.
OK. Well, then, I guess we have a deal.
Couldn't I just come and watch?
What, and that's
not gonna be suspicious,
you sitting in the
corner of the room, staring.
I think not, Alfred.
- I could be your assistant.
- You're 11.
I could make the tea?
Look, just sit tight here with Albert,
just in case we need you, yeah?
Boring.
You nearly done?
Yeah. Good as.
You missed the 'c' off acquire.
Eh?
Acquire. It has a 'c' in it.
Oh.
Thank you.
- Hello?
- Weinstein De Vere.
Hello, yes, it's Terry Harper here,
from TGP Properties.
Yes, we're looking to hire
a new firm of consultants,
and I'd like to set up a meeting
with David Trip to discuss it.
Hey, here's one for you.
How many Spaniards does it take
to change a light bulb?
Juan.
Hey you, I'm doing the punch line.
He's all yours, Eddie.
Sounds expensive.
- We'll cover your losses.
- You gonna stay for a quick one?
I gotta get back.
We'll come for him later.
Now you, you be good, bandito, huh?
OK.
- Bye, Albert.
- Bye!
Wanna play a game, Eddie?
Seeing as how they're paying, yeah,
whatever you want.
What about "find a fiver"?
Never heard of that one.
It's easy. You just close your eyes,
count to say 200.
I'll hide. Once you get to 200,
open your eyes.
Try and find me.
That's hide-and-seek.
Yeah, but if you find me,
I have to give you a fiver.
I like the sound of that.
Go on, turn around,
close your eyes, start counting.
One, two, three...
No peeking.
...four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine,
ten, eleven...
Morning, Mr Trip.
Just off for my 10:30.
- It's me. He's just left.
- OK, we're all set here.
Hello, I have a meeting with a few
colleagues, but they're going to be late.
Is it all right if I wait over there
until we're all here?
Wonderful.
Hello, Terry Harper, TGP Properties.
I've got an appointment to see David Trip.
Oh, he's just left, I'm afraid.
Oh, hell. Mix-up with my new assistant.
No problem, I'll give him a call.
Hello, David? Yes, Terry Harper.
Bit of a mix up, I'm afraid.
I'm at your office.
Yes, I know.
All right, see you in a minute.
He won't be long. He said for me
to wait for him in the meeting room.
Certainly. It's just here.
- Can I get you a drink?
- No, no, no, I'm fine. Thanks.
Two of my colleagues will be arriving
shortly, er, Mr Ridley and associate.
They'll ask for me.
Just show them right in, would you?
Of course. It's this way...
- Hi, David Trip, here to see...
- Mr Trip.
Hello, I'm Louise. I'm Terry's assistant.
Terry's stuck in traffic, I'm afraid.
He'll be here any minute now,
but the meeting room is still being used,
so he's asked me to go over the background
of the company while we wait.
- Sure, no problem.
- Please, take a seat.
Oh! Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, it's fine.
- Right, thank you.
- There you go.
Lovely. Just take a seat.
Certainly, thank you.
That's just a little bit
of what we're about.
Splendid.
Dale Ridley to see Terry Harper.
If you'd like to follow me, please.
...198, 199, 200.
Gentlemen, welcome. I'm Terry Harper.
Pleased to meet you.
Please.
As I'm sure you know,
we've been appointed by the vendors
to handle the sale of
the London City Studios,
and it's my job to oversee
the sealed bid process.
Now, look, I'm a bit pushed for time,
so let's get straight on with it, shall we?
Yeah. Sure.
Clearly, the key selling point
is the location.
The studios are right in the heart
of the West End
making it perfect for a luxury hotel,
shopping centre,
offices or even luxury apartments.
How many bids have you had?
I can't discuss details of the bids,
I'm afraid,
but I'm sure you can imagine, there's
been considerable interest in the site.
And I can tell you that
your party is the final bid.
We're closing the process
in just over two hours.
I see.
Now...
I must point out, Terry,
that we are determined to win this bid.
I am personally prepared to pay
whatever it takes to ensure we do.
Whatever it takes?
Whatever it takes.
I want that site, Terry.
Well, in that case...
it would be a shame if you didn't get it.
Mm-hm.
The person you are calling
is unable to take your call.
Please leave a message after the tone.
David, it's Kate, they're all in
the boardroom waiting for you.
Now.
Let's suppose...
hypothetically speaking...
that I write...
one hundred million here.
How would that sound?
Well, that sounds like a...
winning bid.
Hypothetically speaking.
And...
what should I allow for extras?
You know...
the, er, additional costs
to ensure the deal is done.
Well, I usually advise one percent, cash.
Which would make it, let me see, erm...
Oh...
a nice round million.
I hate to spend
more than I have to on extras.
I was thinking 250.
- Oh, look, is that the time?
- Fine.
Five hundred thousand.
Oh, I think we can probably
work with that.
We specialise in medium-size
city centre commercial properties.
Mainly office blocks but we also have
a portfolio of, er... of retail units.
- Excuse me, for just one second.
- Yes, certainly.
What do you think you're doing here?
You said I could help, but I haven't
done anything interesting yet.
We're right in the middle of the con!
Oh no, that's blown it.
That's not the man
from Weinstein De Vere, is it?
Yes, it is. And now he knows he's
supposed to be there, and not here!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll go and warn Uncle Ash.
No, don't you dare, you're going to go
straight back to Eddie's bar
and you're gonna wait there!
OK, I'll be right back.
- Is everything all right?
- It looks like there's been a mix-up.
Mr Harper is waiting for me
at our offices.
Oh! All right, if I call him and just get him
to come back here, I think...
- No, it's fine.
...that's probably the easiest.
- No, I really, I...
- I'll take a cab.
Excellent.
Excuse me, I must take this.
Yes? Well, I am rather busy
at the moment.
Not half as busy as you will be
in about two minutes time.
It's a long story,
but Trip's on his way back to you.
Oh dear.
Right, well, thanks for that.
- Problem?
- No, no, nothing serious.
But I'm afraid we will
have to wrap this up shortly.
But before we do,
correct me if I'm wrong...
Ding-dong, that's my song!
Yes?
Yes, that's me.
- I knew I recognised you.
- Long time ago.
Yes, it was,
but it was a great show, though.
Thank you.
Don't think it'll be a problem,
do you, you know,
my, er, history with...
London City Studios?
History?
What history?
Exactly.
You see the bottom line is,
they don't need to know who the principal
players are, behind the winning bid.
Unless you're a Yank.
God forbid!
Please.
A pleasure to do business with you,
Mr Harper.
- I'll be in touch soon.
- Excellent.
Sorry not to have longer.
Busy day, I'm afraid.
I trust we'll speak again very soon.
You can count on it.
- Mr Harper? David Trip.
- Ah, David.
Just excuse me for two minutes,
would you? I need the loo.
How quickly can you get your hands
on that half a million?
I'll call the bank.
Couple of hours, easy.
Check again. His name's Terry Harper,
he's definitely here.
This is Weinstein De Vere,
and he's visiting...
- You're gonna have to leave.
- No.
- Look...
- There's no one here by that name.
Yeah, I had to cut things short
but I don't think he suspected anything.
In fact, I'm certain he's on board.
OK, OK, well done.
You meeting us back at Eddie's?
No, I'm heading back to the hotel
to wait for Ridley's call. I'll see you later.
All right, mate, cheers.
- Are you sure it was the same kid?
- One hundred percent.
Well, maybe it's just a coincidence.
He was there looking for Terry Harper.
But when I saw the kid at the hotel
he was with Strickland.
- That's more than a coincidence.
- Yeah, that is a bit odd.
Plus, he was saying to that security
guard that Terry Harper was a visitor.
- But he isn't, he works there.
- Exactly.
- Boss, what are you saying?
- I don't know.
But something definitely is not right.
So where have you been?
I told you to come straight back here.
I, er... got lost.
Oh, all right, well, I thought we agreed.
You promised me you'd be good.
I wondered why you asked me to count
all the way to 200.
Oh, don't tell me he got you
to play hide-and-seek.
Look, what is it with you lot?
- He's very persuasive. It's the eyes.
- Yes, it's definitely the eyes.
Well, either that
or you two are unbelievably gullible.
All right, come on, drink up.
You all right?
- Can I talk to you?
- Yeah, sure.
Alone.
Ridley just saw me at the offices
you were at.
What, Weinstein De Vere?
What were you doing there?
I came to warn you about the other man,
that he was coming back.
And did Ridley recognise you
from the hotel?
Don't worry, son, we'll sort it.
I think it went pretty well.
But I don't think we should risk
leaving the outcome to chance.
What do you mean?
It's my secret weapon.
I always know who's open
to a little financial incentive and who isn't.
Are you suggesting we pay a bribe?
Oh, come on, Mr Strickland,
we're both grown-up businessmen.
That's the way it sometimes happens.
We are a billion-dollar-a-year business
with a reputation to protect.
We can't be seen to be involved
in anything like that.
You wouldn't have to. We'd do it.
And what if Harper squeals?
Well, your name's not on the bid document,
you've got complete deniability.
All right, just do it, then.
I think it's only fair that we each
put up half the cash.
Why?
Well, because, if anything goes wrong,
then we both share the hit.
How much are we talking?
- A man like Harper?
- Hmm.
Five hundred thousand should do it.
And you're suggesting I go and find
?250,000 in cash, like that?
Well,
you're a billion-dollar-a-year company.
That's just loose change.
Hmm.
So what are his options?
Well, he could walk away.
But he won't, will he? Not Ridley.
He's asking us to put up half the money,
to look like he's going
to go through with the bribe.
Hmm, but he'll keep it.
Exactly. So how do we get it back?
OK. So we're 43 short. Any ideas?
Yeah, I can probably magic that up.
- How?
- Ask no questions, I'll tell you no lies.
- Oh no, you don't.
- What?
- I know what you're thinking.
- No, you don't.
- What's she on about?
- I've no idea.
You promised.
Reg.
All right, all right, I heard you.
Oh, it's you.
Yeah, well, nice to see you too, Reg.
Come in then.
Thank you, Reg.
That's 50p.
What?
50p for the tea. You want cake?
I've got cake.
No, no, you're all right, mate.
There you go, 50p.
Thank you.
So, how much do you want?
Eighty grand.
Eighty grand? No, no, no.
No, no, I can't do 80 grand, I can't.
No? Right, what about 43 then,
can you do that?
Yes, I could do 43.
Ten.
Twenty.
Thirty.
Forty.
Forty-one, forty-two, forty-three.
So, how long do you want it for?
Oh, a couple of days should do it, Reg.
Yeah, well, that's gonna cost you.
- How much?
- Well, the usual.
What, 2% a day?
Yeah, plus the other thing.
Erm... what other thing's that then, Reg?
Oh, you know, the other thing,
with the girl.
- Emma?
- Is there a problem?
No, it's not a problem, Reg.
She loves doing it with you.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
That's good.
- I feel like I'm in a spy movie.
- It's just boring old business.
Maybe for you,
but this is not how I do business.
Well, it is now.
Mind if I have a look?
Not if you don't.
Be my guest.
- You think this is going to work?
- Oh, I'm sure of it.
I'll ring you when it's done.
He's on his way.
So how did it go?
Like a dream.
You can't kid a kidder.
Boss, you're a genius.
This is sweet!
- Hello?
- Hello, Mr Ridley,
- it's, erm, Sarah on reception here.
- Hello, love.
Erm, there are some policemen
on their way up to see you.
There's police on their way up here.
Police? Why? Are we in trouble?
Why are the police here?
How would I know?
- Hello?
- Mr Ridley, it's Sarah on reception again.
- Oh, hello.
- I'm sorry, it's my mistake,
the police are actually asking
if you and your colleague
can come downstairs and talk to them.
They say it won't take long.
Fine.
- They want us downstairs now.
- Us?
Yes! Us!
I'm Ridley. Where are they?
I'm sorry, Mr Ridley, who?
The policemen?
Sorry, which policemen?
Where's Sarah?
We don't have a Sarah here.
I've just spoken to her.
What's going on?
Where's the money?
They've nicked it.
Mr Ridley. Can I help?
Damn right you can. I've been robbed.
A receptionist called Sarah rang me
and said that there were
police officers coming up to see me.
We don't have anyone called Sarah.
So you said.
Then she rang me again,
and asked me to go downstairs
to meet them.
I went downstairs
and there were no police officers.
We were out of this room
for five minutes,
and someone stole cash from that safe.
But, Mr Ridley, there are absolutely
no signs of forced entry.
And, as I showed you downstairs,
the CCTV footage
only shows you and your colleague
entering this room once.
Your camera only shows us going to the
room after we came back from reception.
We were in the room before that, as well!
Not according to the footage.
And neither was anyone else.
So, how are you suggesting they got in?
I don't know.
Through the door?
Oh, don't tell me he got you
to play hide-and-seek.
Look, what is it with you lot?
- He's very persuasive. It's the eyes.
- Yes, it's definitely the eyes.
Well, either that
or you two are unbelievably gullible.
And did Ridley recognise you
from the hotel?
Don't worry, son, we'll sort it.
So what are his options?
Well, he could walk away.
But he won't, will he? Not Ridley.
No, he's asking us to put up
half the money,
to look like he's going to go through
with the bribe.
But he'll keep it.
Exactly. So how do we get it back?
Alfie...
you're a bloody genius.
Alright, so we know that
Ridley's on this floor, yeah?
- Yeah.
- OK.
Excuse me.
Could you tell me if suite 532
or 732 are available?
I'd like to upgrade.
Sean, you'll need to access
the hotel lift.
Make sure Ridley goes to the fifth floor.
So how did it go?
Like a dream.
We'll need to send Ridley
to room 532.
But he'll think its room 632.
Mickey, make sure you swap
Ridley's key card.
- You think this is gonna work?
- Oh, I'm sure of it.
Hello, Mr Ridley,
it's, erm, Sarah on reception here.
There are some policemen
on their way up to see you.
Police? Why? Are we in trouble?
Why are the police here?
How would I know?
I'm Ridley. Where are they?
- I'm sorry, Mr Ridley, who?
- The policemen.
Where's the money?
They've nicked it.
OK?
Six, seven, eight, nine.
Bingo.
- Come on.
- OK, go.
Gentlemen! Raise your glasses,
I give you the great British game show.
Ding dong, that's my song!
We went up in the lift, to the sixth floor
and then we walked to the suite.
Then why didn't the CCTV see us?
Maybe they messed with the cameras.
Hey, what if the manager's in on it?
This is doing my head in, Boss.
- Seriously, I give in.
- That's easy for you to say.
You haven't lost 250 grand
to a bunch of con men!
Ding-dong, that's my song!
Piss off!
You did good, kid.
Actually, you were a complete liability.
But at least it was never boring.
Nah, you're gonna be great, son.
Cheers. I've loved every minute of it.
And meeting you, Uncle Ash.
You know, properly.
I'm really gonna miss you.
Hello? Eddie's bar.
Aw!
Yeah. Yeah, well, er...
me too, kid.
Ash. Phone for you.
It's Beezer.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the bloke who's gonna be picking
up the tab down here for the next year.
Yeah, all right, how's it going?
Yeah.
You what?
Er, yeah, well, you know, I can...
I can only ask 'em.
Yeah all right, ta-ta.
He, er...
he says he's stuck in Berlin and, er...
wondered if we could have Alfie
for another couple of weeks.
Well, yeah, sure, fine.
No, I'm just kidding.
He's in a cab, he'll be here in five.
Hey, where's Emma?
Oh, er, she's taking one for the team.
I'm gonna miss the kid, you know.
Yeah, me too.
Well, I think one fresh-faced kid
on the team is enough.
Aw! Thanks, Albert.
So how, exactly,
did he manage to lose you, Emma?
- We're five grand short.
- Don't change the subject.
No, I'm serious. I counted this three times
and we're two bundles short.
Maybe Ridley miscounted it. He did think
he was gonna get it all back, after all.
No, he wouldn't have taken the risk. I could
have asked to count it at the handover.
Let's check the case.
Nope, nothing there.
Have you got any idea, Ash?
Tell you what, if I can trick you out of
some of the money you make from the con,
- can I keep it?
- Hang on, hang on, let me get this straight.
If you can trick me
out of some of the money -
assuming we get it, that is -
I let you keep it?
Deal?
Yeah, all right, deal.
I'm really gonna miss you.
Yeah, me too, kid.
Nah. No, it's a mystery to me.
So, this guy isn't just another mark.
Everything we've done
has been leading us to this point.
One big mark,
then we can all walk away on top.
You take my 10 million, you double it.
One last job and we're finished, huh?
This walking-away money?
I've always thought it was a good idea
to quit while you're ahead.
He said what?
I know what I'm doing.
I'll kill him.
We have a job.
They've just gone into the hotel.
Get out. Go! Go, go, move!
Most of you
must have thought
that one day it would end like this.
The pleasure was all ours, Albert.
No, it was Luigi's, actually,
so let's get a move on.
Well the rest of the day
is yours, Albert.
- What would you like to do?
- Your wish is our command.
Well, how about
the first flight to Vegas?
Well, we thought maybe
bungee jumping over the Thames.
Or go-karting?
Oh, I'll whoop your ass,
you young whippersnapper.
You probably would, actually.
Oh, let me see. I know what.
I'm feeling nostalgic.
How about a snifter
at The Royal Mayfair Club?
- That's where I roped my first mark.
- Sounds good to me.
It's a huge, domed atrium,
filled with natural light.
But, more importantly, it has the best
choice of brandies this side of Paris.
Let's do it.
I see what you mean
about the natural light.
It was an iconic building.
A monument to
Anglo-American relations.
Roped some of
my biggest marks there, ever.
Hmm. The soulless son of a bitch
who pulled it down should be strung up.
Better still, Albert,
let's hit him where it really hurts, huh?
Agreed.
So who is he?
It turns out that Starfire Property Holdings
is owned by none other than Dale Ridley.
- Dale who?
- Ridley. You know,
Ding dong, that's my song!
- I think it's time you took your pill, mate.
- Never mind. They're too young.
Oh right, well, you know,
back in the day, the late '80s,
he was game show gold.
Big hair, big teeth,
more cheese than the Cheddar Gorge.
Take a butcher's at this. Albert.
It's Friday,
and it's live from London City Studios,
it's the greatest game show on earth,
Ding Dong, That's My Song!
Tonight's fabulous prizes include
a personal stereo,
an electronic typewriter,
and a luxury caravan holiday for four!
And here's your host, Dale Ridley!
So, Julia...
- Tell me about yourself.
- This is painful.
Oh, dear.
Was it, A:
Howard Jones?
A- ha?
Or C: Bronski Beat?
Bronski Beat?
Wow!
Ding dong, that's my song!
- Ding dong, that's my song!
- Ding dong, that's my song.
Excruciating, I know.
But every Saturday night,
15 million of us were glued to that crap.
Were you?
When I say "us",
I don't mean me, obviously.
- You know, I mean "us" as a nation.
- Ah, right.
Anyway, I was more, erm...
I was more World About Us.
- Obviously.
- So what happened to Ridley?
Well, fame and fortune
went to his head.
He reckoned he was
the saviour of commercial TV.
He started trying to push them around,
making petty demands
when it was time for a new contract.
What finished him
was a big TV charity night.
London City Studios got him on tape,
demanding 20% of whatever
the charity made in return for hosting it.
Next morning it was all over the papers.
And that was that.
The network fired him on the spot
and no one else would touch him.
What did he do next?
Well, he crawled back
to his Birmingham mansion and hid.
And five years later, he re-emerged
as a property entrepreneur.
First thing he did
was buy an old folks' home.
The moment he had his hands on it,
he shut it down,
turfed out 35 OAPs
and then brought in the bulldozers.
A month later, he sold it to a developer
for twice what he paid for it.
So he stuck at it,
only this time on a much bigger scale.
Victorian warehouses, factories,
historic mills, all in great locations
bought at knockdown prices,
often before they'd
even come on to the market.
- How?
- Backhanders to local councillors,
agents, consultants.
They made sure the sales were completed
before anyone else got a look-in.
So how come no one's
cottoned on to the bribery?
It looks like they did.
He upset rival developers, councils
and heritage groups
from Leicester to Ludlow.
That's when he started
buying property in London.
Where's he based?
Right now,
he's staying at the Union House Hotel.
It just so happens I play poker
with the concierge there.
Surprise, surprise.
- How long is he in town?
- Well, less than a week.
OK then, no time to lose.
Let's get out there and find a way in.
Ding dong.
Eh, ladies?
Ding dong, that's my song? Eh?
- What is he doing?
- Bloody tourists.
- Oi!
- Hello, sir?
Two theatre tickets, tonight.
Decent seats, nothing too intellectual.
Sort it, yeah?
- I've got those spreadsheets to do tonight.
- I'm not taking you, you oaf.
I fancy a blonde tonight.
Big but small, know what I mean?
- Sort it, yeah?
- Big but small...
Hello, baby dream, I was just
thinking about you and Dale Junior.
Have you been in touch
with the heritage people yet?
- I'm waiting for a call back.
- Make sure you deal with a man.
- Why?
- Women have scruples.
- Bad for business.
- Right.
Take him to a fancy restaurant,
fill him full of vodka,
take him to a titty bar,
and then hit him with the money.
Oh, right, OK.
It's only...
my old boss always used to say,
"Never mix business with pleasure."
Really?
Let me ask you this, Gibbs.
How big was his yacht?
- I don't think he had one.
- Really?
- How many Ferraris in his garage?
- He didn't.
No? Surprise, surprise.
You starting to get the picture?
There are no boundaries
between business and pleasure.
Right, OK, I get it. So if you enjoy
what you do, it's all pleasure.
No, you thicko.
Rule one - it's all business.
Stick around, kid.
Learn from the master.
What was it?
The National Victorian Library.
It should burn well, then.
I'll save money on the bulldozers.
How big's the site? Square feet?
Just under 8,000.
Too small.
I want scale. I want impressive.
What, bigger than this?
There's barely room to swing
a heritage commissioner in there.
Think Premiership, not Conference.
But it's difficult in London.
There's a lot more competition.
Rule one -
do not be afraid of competition.
Nobody wants to win a one-horse race.
- I thought rule one was...
- Shut it!
Come on.
So what have we got?
Well, you were right
about how he does business.
He pays off agents, council officials,
heritage commissioners
to make sure the deal goes his way,
and always for the right price.
In fact his motto is,
"Everybody has their price."
Ah!
Well, why hasn't he been prosecuted?
Well, he never does the dirty deed himself.
He always leaves it
to one of his apprentices.
Three of his employees
have done time in the last five years.
- And they never squeal?
- Almost certainly.
Ridley's smart enough
never to leave a trail.
What about his corporate structure?
He runs all his projects
through Starfire Property Holdings,
but he creams off all the profits
into offshore accounts to avoid paying tax.
- How big is his operation?
- It's difficult to get exact figures,
but I'd say he's doing about eight deals
a year, ?3 to ?5 million each.
He's got his eyes set on bigger
opportunities here in London.
So we'll need to find something
that'll float his boat.
A tasty little deal somewhere.
What about a tasty big deal?
Seems London City Studios
are up for sale.
- That's a bit out of his league, isn't it?
- Exactly.
So that means he'll need partners.
Oh, he's gonna love this, isn't he, eh?
The smell of easy money,
the kudos of the big deal,
and the icing on the cake, revenge.
He gets to be involved
in tearing down the studio.
What a sweet little plan, Michael.
And the best bit
is the bidding's about to close.
Excuse me, do you know
where I can find "Three Socks" Morgan?
Who wants to know?
Which one of youse is
"Three Socks" Morgan?
You don't remember me, do you?
Er... No. Should I?
Relax. You're not my dad
or anything weird like that.
- Phew! Lucky for you.
- The thought never crossed my mind.
So who are you, kid?
It's me. Alfie Beezer.
Your godson.
'Course you are.
Yeah, the eyes.
- Where's your dad?
- He's at the airport.
Eh?
"Dear Ash,
"sorry to do this to you, but I need you
to look after the kid for a few days.
"I had to get on a plane to Amsterdam
to salvage a big score.
"The kid's nan's in Spain
"and I was stuck,
so I thought it was time
"you did your godfatherly thing.
"I owe you big time. Love, Beezer.
"P.S. Watch the kid,
he's a slippery sod."
No, the last bit's a lie.
If I do this...
You gotta choose a card, remember it,
and if I guess it...
gimme a pound coin.
Yeah, all right, yeah.
Was it the ace of hearts?
Cor blimey, how'd he do that?
Here you are.
Johnny Beezer was a roper
I worked with back in the '90s.
He got his bird up the duff, and hey presto,
along comes little Alfie there.
So me and Beezer
down a few pints to celebrate.
Eight pints in
and he asks me to be godfather.
What could I say?
Probably not a lot after eight pints.
Well, that was
the last time I saw him.
How come?
Cos the next day Beezer found out
that Alfie's mum was having it away
with her gyny.
What, while she was...
Well, each to his own.
Anyway, Beezer takes Alfie back
to Manchester to live with his nan.
Haven't seen him since.
Look, we can't work a con
while we're looking after a kid.
No, I'll talk to Beezer.
Can I borrow a pound?
Yeah, all right.
If I can make this pound disappear, without
you knowing where it's gone, can I keep it?
Yeah, go on then.
Do that again.
Well, I need another pound.
Hang on, here.
What if we took it in turns
to look after him?
I don't know,
the kid could be a complete liability.
I won't be, I promise.
Hey! You should be in bed.
Maybe I can help.
Yeah, you can help
by going back to bed.
I've worked on Dad's cons
loads of times.
I won't be any trouble, I promise.
- That's not what your dad said.
- Well, he was joking.
Oh, please?
Well, we've all got to start somewhere.
All right, maybe he could just help out
behind the scenes, back here?
- Your responsibility.
- Why mine?
- Cos you were the first to crack.
- Mmm.
Fine.
OK, kid, it's agreed. You're in.
Yes!
And when we're busy,
Eddie can baby-sit.
I don't know if he can afford it.
The kid's already taken him for 20.
Twenty-five, actually.
OK then, let's get started.
I thought I was gonna
get to do something.
Oh, stop complaining.
You said you wanted a burger,
and you've had one.
You said I was gonna
be involved in a con.
- You will be.
- Doing what?
I don't know yet, all right?
Just something back in the apartment.
That sounds boring.
Why can't I be the roper?
Because Albert's the roper.
And you're only 11.
That can be an advantage sometimes.
No one suspects an 11-year-old.
They would if they met you.
Look, if you don't want me to do
anything, I'll just watch.
Alfie, can we stop talking?
Just for five minutes.
All right?
Hi, Ash.
- Do you want to see a trick?
- What?
- Hold this and wait here.
- Yes, all right, go on then.
I'm exhausted!
I've done the London Eye
and he's had some food,
so, now we're on our way back. OK?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. He's...
He won't shut up.
Literally. No, he's just
on and on at me.
All of the time, like, you have to
chatter even more to stop him talking.
Yeah, yeah, he's got all the questions.
I can't answer them. I'm coming home.
Ash, listen to me,
I'm coming home.
It's Sean's turn. Or your turn.
Excuse me.
- Hmm?
- Er, can you please hold this for me?
- All right.
- Cheers.
OK. I'll see you later.
What?
Flipping heck.
I want the next flight home.
They can't exclude us from the sale
just because we're Americans.
Not officially, they can't.
But, at the end of the day,
if the chairman's got some
kind of grudge against Americans,
there's not a whole hell of a lot
we can do about it.
And you've found that out just now?
In 24 hours the bidding closes.
I only found out because
their consultants told me an hour ago
the chairman was cleaned out
by his American ex-wife.
- Henry, come on, we can't win 'em all.
- Let me set you straight, Strickland.
I never lose.
As soon as I get to Boston,
I'm going to contact my lawyers,
and have them start legal proceedings
against London City Studios.
I want that site.
Yeah. OK.
Good.
Wait here.
I'm Henry Sellworth, checking out.
I'd like some information...
on our American friends.
Bandit at two o'clock.
Helius International.
Keep going.
- A little busy right now, kid.
- Whoa, was that the mark?
Mickey, I'm sorry, he just slipped away.
Do we have a problem?
- I don't think so.
- OK.
That was, er... really funny.
I just wanted to help.
Yeah, well, pull something like that again
and you're in big trouble, mister.
Get over here.
See you in Boston.
OK.
This is incredible.
What?
- You know the London City Studios?
- Yeah, it's up for sale.
Exactly.
And it's out of our price range
by a factor of 10.
Was.
Eh?
I'll explain in the lift.
He could have ruined the whole con.
How did he know where the hotel is?
Well, that's just the scary thing.
It's like he knows everything.
The kid's smart.
He's listening to everything we say.
How did he get away from you again?
I don't know, I was just... I looked away
for a moment and he was just gone.
It was the old
"string around the corner" trick.
Uh-huh?
Shut up.
Tell me he's having a laugh.
- My dad says, "The old ones are best."
- Did you seriously fall for the string trick?
- No.
- Yeah, you did.
No! I was distracted
cos I was on the phone.
Oh, well, in that case,
you were on the phone.
What's it worth not to tell Mickey?
All right, do you know what?
If it's so funny, he's all yours.
Just have to be in the right place
at the right time.
This could be sweet.
Here we are.
"Helius International
Property Investments."
Started in 1982, Boston.
3.4 billion portfolio,
in the US, Canada and Europe.
Serious players, then.
There's one of them.
"Henry Sellworth, Chairman."
And there's the other one,
"Brett Strickland,
"Head of Acquisitions,
Western Europe."
London City Studios is perfect for them.
Big site, central location.
Just demolish what's there
and stick up one of their shopping centres.
Yeah. But they can't get it...
because the chairman's
got a grudge against Yanks.
So what are you thinking, boss?
We front the bid for them?
Why not?
Surely they could deal
with any property company in the UK.
Not when the bidding closes
in 24 hours, they can't.
That's why they've thrown in the towel.
We better catch them
before they get on a plane.
Just try to look intelligent.
Mr Strickland?
Yes?
Sorry for interrupting.
My name's Dale Ridley.
I'm the chairman and chief executive
of Starfire Property Holdings.
- And this is my apprentice, Mr Gibbs.
- Hi.
OK.
So, how do you guys know my name?
I'm a big fan.
I like to think of Helius International
as a role model for... for my company.
- That's great to hear, Mr, er...
- Ridley.
...Ridley, but if you'll excuse me
I'm on my way to the airport.
Give me two minutes
and I will give you
a game-changing opportunity.
OK, well, I'm all ears
until my cab arrives.
Ah!
London City Studios.
I think we can help.
How?
Your bid has hit the buffers because
Helius is an American company. Correct?
I'm sorry,
but how do you know all this?
Information is everything.
OK, so what exactly do you want?
We're a UK company, specialising
in land and property acquisitions.
In short, Mr Strickland...
we can front your bid.
Why not just bid yourself?
Simple. Don't have access
to that level of funding.
OK. I see.
Look, er... I admire your opportunism.
But the idea that a ?100 million
deal can be secured
on the basis of a two-minute conversation
with a perfect stranger,
a day before the bidding closes,
is frankly laughable.
Seize the moment and seize the deal.
That's my motto, Mr Strickland.
Or one of them, anyway.
I am offering you
the chance to save this deal,
and to enhance your standing
within your company.
OK.
Let's say I go for this opportunity of yours.
What do you get out of it?
10% of the bid price.
Ten perc...
I'm sorry, I have a flight to catch.
Think about it.
Call me.
Well, I suppose it was worth a shot.
Trust me, he'll ring.
It feels like yesterday.
The fans used to be there, waiting.
Waving to me as I swept in,
in the Bentley.
A table in all the best restaurants.
Champagne on ice in every club.
Women coming up to me in the street,
begging me to say those magic words.
What?
Ding dong, that's my song!
Three times I was on the cover
of the TV Times, I was.
Felt like I owned the place,
and the people in it.
Everyone sang to my song.
You should have known me
back then, Gibbs.
Not that I'd have given the time of day
to someone like you, obviously.
But it would have given you an insight
into the man you see before you.
Go and have a word with that
security guard. See if he remembers me.
See if he'll let us in for a look around.
Did he remember me?
Yeah, eventually. He's been working
on the gate for 30-odd years.
- What did he say?
- Well, just...
No, no, no, no.
Go on, go on. What did he say?
He said you were a greedy scumbag
and that, as far as he knows, your lifetime
ban from the studios is still in place.
Yeah, well, the same to you, mate!
Just you wait!
We'll see who has the last laugh!
My dad always talks about you.
"Three Socks" this, "Three Socks" that.
Why are you called "Three Socks" anyway?
Oh, well, it's a long story.
- How is your dad?
- Yeah, he's good.
Is he...
Is he with anyone, you know?
Yeah, me.
No, no, no. No, I mean like a girlfriend.
Oh, sometimes.
What about you, Uncle Ash?
Yeah, well, sometimes.
- You got any children?
- No.
Oh. Are you gay?
No, I'm not gay, thank you.
Nothing wrong if you are.
I know. I'm just not gay, all right?
Just asking.
So, what's my fee gonna be?
Er, what fee's that then?
For the con.
You said I was part of the team.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You see, now, your fee, right, is learning.
You know, from us.
It's worth more than money, that is.
Oh, OK.
Tell you what, if I can trick you out of some
of the money you make from the con,
- can I keep it?
- Hang on, hang on, let me get this straight.
If you can trick me
out of some of the money -
assuming we get it, that is -
I let you keep it?
Yeah.
What's the problem?
Scared the great "Three Socks" Morgan
is gonna be outsmarted by an 11-year-old?
No, no, no. No, I just don't want to
crush your confidence, you cheeky sod.
Deal?
Yeah, all right, deal.
Hee-hee!
So how are we gonna get him
into the studios?
From what I've heard,
the place is like Fort Knox.
We're not.
- How come?
- Well, he doesn't need to go there.
He just needs to do the presentation to you.
How are you getting on with the offices?
- Well, I've had a rethink.
- Oh?
Yeah, the name of the London City Studios'
property developers is already out there.
Weinstein De Vere, they're a big company
with swanky West End offices.
So we have to assume that Ridley
at least knows of them.
We can't risk faking it.
So what were you thinking?
Well, we get Ridley to do the
presentation at Weinstein De Vere.
What, in their actual offices?
Yeah, in the boardroom.
Yeah, obviously.
As my dad always says,
"Can't have much more convincing
than the real thing."
Is the shark with you?
Nah, he's been following me
since I left the aquarium.
So how are you gonna
pull this one off, Uncle Ash?
Yeah, how are you gonna
pull this one off, Uncle Ash?
Well, you know, I'm erm...
I'm working on it, ain't I?
I think it's time to put our friend
out of his misery.
Ah, Mr Ridley. Brett Strickland.
No, no, actually,
my flight's been delayed.
Perhaps we should meet.
Yeah. Yeah, that works for me.
OK.
I've spoken to Mr Sellworth
about your proposal, and he's interested.
But we would need to move fast.
You have to meet with Weinstein De Vere,
the property consultants
handling the sealed bids.
No problem, we can arrange
a meeting for tomorrow.
How much are you proposing to bid?
A hundred million.
Any flexibility in that?
We want the building, and our analysts
believe that 100 million should swing it.
Let's hope they're right.
So the only outstanding issue is your fee.
10% is completely out of the question.
So what are you thinking?
A flat million.
That will barely cover my costs.
Plus, we are talking
about your reputation.
Picture the scene -
you arriving back in Boston
with a $100 million contract
in your pocket,
that you've salvaged
by using your intuitive brilliance
and relentless determination
on behalf of Helius International.
That's got to be worth 5 million
of anybody's money, surely.
- Two.
- Three.
- Two point five.
- Done.
Good. You'll front the bid on behalf
of your company.
If you win, we will put up the money.
And you will pass full ownership
of the building over to us,
in exchange for ?2.5 million.
Do we have a deal?
There's one more thing I need.
I'm done negotiating, Mr Ridley.
Oh, I'm sure you'll be OK with this.
I'm assuming you'll be demolishing
and building from scratch.
- Of course.
- In that case,
I would like to drive the first bulldozer
through the front of the building.
You want to drive the bulldozer?
That's right.
Through the front wall.
OK. Well, then, I guess we have a deal.
Couldn't I just come and watch?
What, and that's
not gonna be suspicious,
you sitting in the
corner of the room, staring.
I think not, Alfred.
- I could be your assistant.
- You're 11.
I could make the tea?
Look, just sit tight here with Albert,
just in case we need you, yeah?
Boring.
You nearly done?
Yeah. Good as.
You missed the 'c' off acquire.
Eh?
Acquire. It has a 'c' in it.
Oh.
Thank you.
- Hello?
- Weinstein De Vere.
Hello, yes, it's Terry Harper here,
from TGP Properties.
Yes, we're looking to hire
a new firm of consultants,
and I'd like to set up a meeting
with David Trip to discuss it.
Hey, here's one for you.
How many Spaniards does it take
to change a light bulb?
Juan.
Hey you, I'm doing the punch line.
He's all yours, Eddie.
Sounds expensive.
- We'll cover your losses.
- You gonna stay for a quick one?
I gotta get back.
We'll come for him later.
Now you, you be good, bandito, huh?
OK.
- Bye, Albert.
- Bye!
Wanna play a game, Eddie?
Seeing as how they're paying, yeah,
whatever you want.
What about "find a fiver"?
Never heard of that one.
It's easy. You just close your eyes,
count to say 200.
I'll hide. Once you get to 200,
open your eyes.
Try and find me.
That's hide-and-seek.
Yeah, but if you find me,
I have to give you a fiver.
I like the sound of that.
Go on, turn around,
close your eyes, start counting.
One, two, three...
No peeking.
...four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine,
ten, eleven...
Morning, Mr Trip.
Just off for my 10:30.
- It's me. He's just left.
- OK, we're all set here.
Hello, I have a meeting with a few
colleagues, but they're going to be late.
Is it all right if I wait over there
until we're all here?
Wonderful.
Hello, Terry Harper, TGP Properties.
I've got an appointment to see David Trip.
Oh, he's just left, I'm afraid.
Oh, hell. Mix-up with my new assistant.
No problem, I'll give him a call.
Hello, David? Yes, Terry Harper.
Bit of a mix up, I'm afraid.
I'm at your office.
Yes, I know.
All right, see you in a minute.
He won't be long. He said for me
to wait for him in the meeting room.
Certainly. It's just here.
- Can I get you a drink?
- No, no, no, I'm fine. Thanks.
Two of my colleagues will be arriving
shortly, er, Mr Ridley and associate.
They'll ask for me.
Just show them right in, would you?
Of course. It's this way...
- Hi, David Trip, here to see...
- Mr Trip.
Hello, I'm Louise. I'm Terry's assistant.
Terry's stuck in traffic, I'm afraid.
He'll be here any minute now,
but the meeting room is still being used,
so he's asked me to go over the background
of the company while we wait.
- Sure, no problem.
- Please, take a seat.
Oh! Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, it's fine.
- Right, thank you.
- There you go.
Lovely. Just take a seat.
Certainly, thank you.
That's just a little bit
of what we're about.
Splendid.
Dale Ridley to see Terry Harper.
If you'd like to follow me, please.
...198, 199, 200.
Gentlemen, welcome. I'm Terry Harper.
Pleased to meet you.
Please.
As I'm sure you know,
we've been appointed by the vendors
to handle the sale of
the London City Studios,
and it's my job to oversee
the sealed bid process.
Now, look, I'm a bit pushed for time,
so let's get straight on with it, shall we?
Yeah. Sure.
Clearly, the key selling point
is the location.
The studios are right in the heart
of the West End
making it perfect for a luxury hotel,
shopping centre,
offices or even luxury apartments.
How many bids have you had?
I can't discuss details of the bids,
I'm afraid,
but I'm sure you can imagine, there's
been considerable interest in the site.
And I can tell you that
your party is the final bid.
We're closing the process
in just over two hours.
I see.
Now...
I must point out, Terry,
that we are determined to win this bid.
I am personally prepared to pay
whatever it takes to ensure we do.
Whatever it takes?
Whatever it takes.
I want that site, Terry.
Well, in that case...
it would be a shame if you didn't get it.
Mm-hm.
The person you are calling
is unable to take your call.
Please leave a message after the tone.
David, it's Kate, they're all in
the boardroom waiting for you.
Now.
Let's suppose...
hypothetically speaking...
that I write...
one hundred million here.
How would that sound?
Well, that sounds like a...
winning bid.
Hypothetically speaking.
And...
what should I allow for extras?
You know...
the, er, additional costs
to ensure the deal is done.
Well, I usually advise one percent, cash.
Which would make it, let me see, erm...
Oh...
a nice round million.
I hate to spend
more than I have to on extras.
I was thinking 250.
- Oh, look, is that the time?
- Fine.
Five hundred thousand.
Oh, I think we can probably
work with that.
We specialise in medium-size
city centre commercial properties.
Mainly office blocks but we also have
a portfolio of, er... of retail units.
- Excuse me, for just one second.
- Yes, certainly.
What do you think you're doing here?
You said I could help, but I haven't
done anything interesting yet.
We're right in the middle of the con!
Oh no, that's blown it.
That's not the man
from Weinstein De Vere, is it?
Yes, it is. And now he knows he's
supposed to be there, and not here!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll go and warn Uncle Ash.
No, don't you dare, you're going to go
straight back to Eddie's bar
and you're gonna wait there!
OK, I'll be right back.
- Is everything all right?
- It looks like there's been a mix-up.
Mr Harper is waiting for me
at our offices.
Oh! All right, if I call him and just get him
to come back here, I think...
- No, it's fine.
...that's probably the easiest.
- No, I really, I...
- I'll take a cab.
Excellent.
Excuse me, I must take this.
Yes? Well, I am rather busy
at the moment.
Not half as busy as you will be
in about two minutes time.
It's a long story,
but Trip's on his way back to you.
Oh dear.
Right, well, thanks for that.
- Problem?
- No, no, nothing serious.
But I'm afraid we will
have to wrap this up shortly.
But before we do,
correct me if I'm wrong...
Ding-dong, that's my song!
Yes?
Yes, that's me.
- I knew I recognised you.
- Long time ago.
Yes, it was,
but it was a great show, though.
Thank you.
Don't think it'll be a problem,
do you, you know,
my, er, history with...
London City Studios?
History?
What history?
Exactly.
You see the bottom line is,
they don't need to know who the principal
players are, behind the winning bid.
Unless you're a Yank.
God forbid!
Please.
A pleasure to do business with you,
Mr Harper.
- I'll be in touch soon.
- Excellent.
Sorry not to have longer.
Busy day, I'm afraid.
I trust we'll speak again very soon.
You can count on it.
- Mr Harper? David Trip.
- Ah, David.
Just excuse me for two minutes,
would you? I need the loo.
How quickly can you get your hands
on that half a million?
I'll call the bank.
Couple of hours, easy.
Check again. His name's Terry Harper,
he's definitely here.
This is Weinstein De Vere,
and he's visiting...
- You're gonna have to leave.
- No.
- Look...
- There's no one here by that name.
Yeah, I had to cut things short
but I don't think he suspected anything.
In fact, I'm certain he's on board.
OK, OK, well done.
You meeting us back at Eddie's?
No, I'm heading back to the hotel
to wait for Ridley's call. I'll see you later.
All right, mate, cheers.
- Are you sure it was the same kid?
- One hundred percent.
Well, maybe it's just a coincidence.
He was there looking for Terry Harper.
But when I saw the kid at the hotel
he was with Strickland.
- That's more than a coincidence.
- Yeah, that is a bit odd.
Plus, he was saying to that security
guard that Terry Harper was a visitor.
- But he isn't, he works there.
- Exactly.
- Boss, what are you saying?
- I don't know.
But something definitely is not right.
So where have you been?
I told you to come straight back here.
I, er... got lost.
Oh, all right, well, I thought we agreed.
You promised me you'd be good.
I wondered why you asked me to count
all the way to 200.
Oh, don't tell me he got you
to play hide-and-seek.
Look, what is it with you lot?
- He's very persuasive. It's the eyes.
- Yes, it's definitely the eyes.
Well, either that
or you two are unbelievably gullible.
All right, come on, drink up.
You all right?
- Can I talk to you?
- Yeah, sure.
Alone.
Ridley just saw me at the offices
you were at.
What, Weinstein De Vere?
What were you doing there?
I came to warn you about the other man,
that he was coming back.
And did Ridley recognise you
from the hotel?
Don't worry, son, we'll sort it.
I think it went pretty well.
But I don't think we should risk
leaving the outcome to chance.
What do you mean?
It's my secret weapon.
I always know who's open
to a little financial incentive and who isn't.
Are you suggesting we pay a bribe?
Oh, come on, Mr Strickland,
we're both grown-up businessmen.
That's the way it sometimes happens.
We are a billion-dollar-a-year business
with a reputation to protect.
We can't be seen to be involved
in anything like that.
You wouldn't have to. We'd do it.
And what if Harper squeals?
Well, your name's not on the bid document,
you've got complete deniability.
All right, just do it, then.
I think it's only fair that we each
put up half the cash.
Why?
Well, because, if anything goes wrong,
then we both share the hit.
How much are we talking?
- A man like Harper?
- Hmm.
Five hundred thousand should do it.
And you're suggesting I go and find
?250,000 in cash, like that?
Well,
you're a billion-dollar-a-year company.
That's just loose change.
Hmm.
So what are his options?
Well, he could walk away.
But he won't, will he? Not Ridley.
He's asking us to put up half the money,
to look like he's going
to go through with the bribe.
Hmm, but he'll keep it.
Exactly. So how do we get it back?
OK. So we're 43 short. Any ideas?
Yeah, I can probably magic that up.
- How?
- Ask no questions, I'll tell you no lies.
- Oh no, you don't.
- What?
- I know what you're thinking.
- No, you don't.
- What's she on about?
- I've no idea.
You promised.
Reg.
All right, all right, I heard you.
Oh, it's you.
Yeah, well, nice to see you too, Reg.
Come in then.
Thank you, Reg.
That's 50p.
What?
50p for the tea. You want cake?
I've got cake.
No, no, you're all right, mate.
There you go, 50p.
Thank you.
So, how much do you want?
Eighty grand.
Eighty grand? No, no, no.
No, no, I can't do 80 grand, I can't.
No? Right, what about 43 then,
can you do that?
Yes, I could do 43.
Ten.
Twenty.
Thirty.
Forty.
Forty-one, forty-two, forty-three.
So, how long do you want it for?
Oh, a couple of days should do it, Reg.
Yeah, well, that's gonna cost you.
- How much?
- Well, the usual.
What, 2% a day?
Yeah, plus the other thing.
Erm... what other thing's that then, Reg?
Oh, you know, the other thing,
with the girl.
- Emma?
- Is there a problem?
No, it's not a problem, Reg.
She loves doing it with you.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
That's good.
- I feel like I'm in a spy movie.
- It's just boring old business.
Maybe for you,
but this is not how I do business.
Well, it is now.
Mind if I have a look?
Not if you don't.
Be my guest.
- You think this is going to work?
- Oh, I'm sure of it.
I'll ring you when it's done.
He's on his way.
So how did it go?
Like a dream.
You can't kid a kidder.
Boss, you're a genius.
This is sweet!
- Hello?
- Hello, Mr Ridley,
- it's, erm, Sarah on reception here.
- Hello, love.
Erm, there are some policemen
on their way up to see you.
There's police on their way up here.
Police? Why? Are we in trouble?
Why are the police here?
How would I know?
- Hello?
- Mr Ridley, it's Sarah on reception again.
- Oh, hello.
- I'm sorry, it's my mistake,
the police are actually asking
if you and your colleague
can come downstairs and talk to them.
They say it won't take long.
Fine.
- They want us downstairs now.
- Us?
Yes! Us!
I'm Ridley. Where are they?
I'm sorry, Mr Ridley, who?
The policemen?
Sorry, which policemen?
Where's Sarah?
We don't have a Sarah here.
I've just spoken to her.
What's going on?
Where's the money?
They've nicked it.
Mr Ridley. Can I help?
Damn right you can. I've been robbed.
A receptionist called Sarah rang me
and said that there were
police officers coming up to see me.
We don't have anyone called Sarah.
So you said.
Then she rang me again,
and asked me to go downstairs
to meet them.
I went downstairs
and there were no police officers.
We were out of this room
for five minutes,
and someone stole cash from that safe.
But, Mr Ridley, there are absolutely
no signs of forced entry.
And, as I showed you downstairs,
the CCTV footage
only shows you and your colleague
entering this room once.
Your camera only shows us going to the
room after we came back from reception.
We were in the room before that, as well!
Not according to the footage.
And neither was anyone else.
So, how are you suggesting they got in?
I don't know.
Through the door?
Oh, don't tell me he got you
to play hide-and-seek.
Look, what is it with you lot?
- He's very persuasive. It's the eyes.
- Yes, it's definitely the eyes.
Well, either that
or you two are unbelievably gullible.
And did Ridley recognise you
from the hotel?
Don't worry, son, we'll sort it.
So what are his options?
Well, he could walk away.
But he won't, will he? Not Ridley.
No, he's asking us to put up
half the money,
to look like he's going to go through
with the bribe.
But he'll keep it.
Exactly. So how do we get it back?
Alfie...
you're a bloody genius.
Alright, so we know that
Ridley's on this floor, yeah?
- Yeah.
- OK.
Excuse me.
Could you tell me if suite 532
or 732 are available?
I'd like to upgrade.
Sean, you'll need to access
the hotel lift.
Make sure Ridley goes to the fifth floor.
So how did it go?
Like a dream.
We'll need to send Ridley
to room 532.
But he'll think its room 632.
Mickey, make sure you swap
Ridley's key card.
- You think this is gonna work?
- Oh, I'm sure of it.
Hello, Mr Ridley,
it's, erm, Sarah on reception here.
There are some policemen
on their way up to see you.
Police? Why? Are we in trouble?
Why are the police here?
How would I know?
I'm Ridley. Where are they?
- I'm sorry, Mr Ridley, who?
- The policemen.
Where's the money?
They've nicked it.
OK?
Six, seven, eight, nine.
Bingo.
- Come on.
- OK, go.
Gentlemen! Raise your glasses,
I give you the great British game show.
Ding dong, that's my song!
We went up in the lift, to the sixth floor
and then we walked to the suite.
Then why didn't the CCTV see us?
Maybe they messed with the cameras.
Hey, what if the manager's in on it?
This is doing my head in, Boss.
- Seriously, I give in.
- That's easy for you to say.
You haven't lost 250 grand
to a bunch of con men!
Ding-dong, that's my song!
Piss off!
You did good, kid.
Actually, you were a complete liability.
But at least it was never boring.
Nah, you're gonna be great, son.
Cheers. I've loved every minute of it.
And meeting you, Uncle Ash.
You know, properly.
I'm really gonna miss you.
Hello? Eddie's bar.
Aw!
Yeah. Yeah, well, er...
me too, kid.
Ash. Phone for you.
It's Beezer.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the bloke who's gonna be picking
up the tab down here for the next year.
Yeah, all right, how's it going?
Yeah.
You what?
Er, yeah, well, you know, I can...
I can only ask 'em.
Yeah all right, ta-ta.
He, er...
he says he's stuck in Berlin and, er...
wondered if we could have Alfie
for another couple of weeks.
Well, yeah, sure, fine.
No, I'm just kidding.
He's in a cab, he'll be here in five.
Hey, where's Emma?
Oh, er, she's taking one for the team.
I'm gonna miss the kid, you know.
Yeah, me too.
Well, I think one fresh-faced kid
on the team is enough.
Aw! Thanks, Albert.
So how, exactly,
did he manage to lose you, Emma?
- We're five grand short.
- Don't change the subject.
No, I'm serious. I counted this three times
and we're two bundles short.
Maybe Ridley miscounted it. He did think
he was gonna get it all back, after all.
No, he wouldn't have taken the risk. I could
have asked to count it at the handover.
Let's check the case.
Nope, nothing there.
Have you got any idea, Ash?
Tell you what, if I can trick you out of
some of the money you make from the con,
- can I keep it?
- Hang on, hang on, let me get this straight.
If you can trick me
out of some of the money -
assuming we get it, that is -
I let you keep it?
Deal?
Yeah, all right, deal.
I'm really gonna miss you.
Yeah, me too, kid.
Nah. No, it's a mystery to me.
So, this guy isn't just another mark.
Everything we've done
has been leading us to this point.
One big mark,
then we can all walk away on top.
You take my 10 million, you double it.
One last job and we're finished, huh?
This walking-away money?
I've always thought it was a good idea
to quit while you're ahead.
He said what?
I know what I'm doing.
I'll kill him.
We have a job.
They've just gone into the hotel.
Get out. Go! Go, go, move!
Most of you
must have thought
that one day it would end like this.