Hustle (2004–2012): Season 8, Episode 2 - Picasso Finger Painting - full transcript

You know, one of the downsides
to a life of crime is that

occasionally you have to do business
with people who are, erm...

well, for want of a better word...

criminals.

Like most things that end
with you hanging upside down

in a deserted warehouse,

it started with a really good idea.

"A Small Cat In The Garden

"was painted by Pablo Picasso in 1903,

"in what was known as his blue period.

"It measures 12" by 11" and was stolen



"from a private collection
in the early hours of Sunday morning."

Mmm. Value?

- It's been insured for three million.
- Wow.

"The police say the gang was
clearly experienced and well informed."

- Meaning it was stolen to order.
- No question.

Is Mad Dolly still around?

- My thoughts exactly.
- Who?

Dolly Hammond, she's the best
Picasso forger in London.

She's all right, but she's a bit...

- Unique.
- Yeah, she's a bit different, you know.

- Insane.
- Yeah.

No, she's a lovely old bird,
really, but, erm...

she used to have the hots for Albie.

Why would we need someone to forge
a painting that's already been stolen?



Well, because now its theft
has already been reported...

Collectors will believe you
if you tell 'em you're trying to sell it.

It's brilliant.

- Yes, it is.
- Yes, it is.

As always.

Well, potentially brilliant.

Depending on who you try
and sell the fake to.

And here's a little tip
should you ever find yourself

trying to flog a fake Picasso.

Don't try and sell it to the bloke

who the original was nicked from
in the first place.

Ay, ay. Here come the cavalry.

Ash!

Gently Sean, gently!

- Where's Mickey?
- They pulled a gun on us.

Petre Sava's men have taken him.

- What happened?
- Well, it's a very long story,

but the upshot is, the original
was nicked from him in the first place.

He wasn't happy at us telling him
it was us who nicked it

and then trying to sell him a fake back
instead of the real thing.

This is not Picasso!

This is not my painting!

So Petre Sava is holding on to Mickey
till we deliver the real Picasso back to him.

- We haven't got the real one.
- No, I did mention that,

and we argued for a bit,

then he threatened a level
of physical violence

I wasn't comfortable with
so I backed down.

He's given us six hours to find it.

So what happens if we can't
find the real painting?

Oh, he was very specific about that.

Mickey's a dead man.

So no one's got anything?

But that's impossible.

It's not a local crew.
Someone would know if it was.

By now, the real painting could've
been shipped out of the country.

Yeah, but come on, it's weird
that no one's heard anything.

Or if they have,
they don't want to share it.

What about that Dolly the forger?
Would she know?

- Eh?
- Well, if she's a Picasso freak,

she might have heard something.

- Well, I suppose...
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it's worth a try.

Let's do it.

Can't find a decent thief these days.

They're all gangsters.
They've got no class.

- Not like you, Albert.
- Thank you, Dolly.

I'd string 'em all up. By the testicles.

Leave them there
for the crows to pick at.

Feed what's left to the pigs
like we used to.

So you've no idea
who stole the Picasso, Dolly?

- What Picasso?
- A Small Cat in the Garden.

You've had your copy.
I've already done it.

No, no, I'm talking about the real one.

He's cute.

Dolly, the painting.
Have you any idea who nicked it?

- How would I know that?
- Has no one said anything to you?

- Who?
- Anyone.

- Said what?
- About the painting.

- What painting?
- The Picasso.

I don't know who nicked it.

Well, that's what I'm asking, innit?

Well, I've told you. Who are you?

Oh, I'm Emma.

What are you doing in my house?

I'm with Albert.

- This your floozie, is it?
- No, no, no, no.

You're the only woman for me, Dolly.

Oh, unlucky.

Dolly, do you know anything
at all about the painting?

Anything that might help us
find out who nicked it?

I mean, was there someone who
really liked it? A private collector?

Or... Or did someone try and buy it
before and failed? Anything.

I know where every Picasso
in London is.

I can smell them.

Except this one.

Dolly, look. Is there any way
you can track it down, you know?

I mean, what's the word on the street?

Do I look like Huggy Bear?

Dolly! We need to find it.

I'll see what I can do if he sings to me...

and he snogs me.

Forget it. It's... It's not happening.

Sean, think about Mickey.

- Forget Mickey.
- Do it.

- I don't wanna...
- Do it.

- I don't want to.
- Sean.

Naughty!

Well?

Erm... Well, I should know
in a couple of hours.

Send him.

Now, just in case Dolly draws a blank,
we'd better cover all the angles.

Albert, use your police contacts.

See if they've got any leads
on the robbery or any idea who it was.

Right.

Sean, take the car.

See what else you can find out
about Petre Sava.

OK.

- What about us?
- You and me go and see Cyclops.

Now, art's not really his thing
but he might have heard something.

I've got the dogs playing snooker
if that's any good to you.

It's a classic.

I used to have the bird on the tennis court
scratching her bum,

but it got stiletto damage
in a domestic dispute.

Well, women don't really get art, do they?

- Is that right?
- Yeah, well-known fact.

They got no patience for it.

That's why all the major artists
are all men.

Women would never be able
to finish anything.

They'd be halfway
through The Laughing Cavalier,

then they'd wander off and start
colour coding their shoe cupboard.

Look, look, look.
Can we get back to the matter at hand?

- Which was?
- A Small Cat In The Garden.

- The stolen Picasso.
- Oh, yeah.

So who nicked it?

- Art's not really my thing.
- I said that, didn't I?

- Yeah.
- But I heard about it.

- What?
- I said I heard about it.

No, no, no. What did you hear?

That it was nicked.

- Do you want a chip?
- No. Thank you.

- Any chance of a date?
- None.

Sympathy shag?
Think of it as charity work.

It's been a while.

Look, Cyclops. Mickey's in trouble.

Whatever you know,
you need to tell me.

We haven't haggled yet.

What? You're going to charge us?

Excuse me.
This is still a capitalist society.

- I thought Mickey was your mate.
- Well, he's more of an acquaintance, really.

But, er, that said,
I'm willing to make a discount.

- How much?
- Call it a nifty.

OK, I can't tell if these
things are related,

but the day before the Picasso was nicked,
a hardcore Jock crew flew in.

- Scottish?
- The McCrary brothers.

They took over a house
in Westbridge Grove.

Now, all I know about 'em
is that they nick to order.

Anything you like, usually upmarket.

Paintings, cars, antiques.

I mean, they could be here
for something else, but...

it's worth asking the question, innit?

OK. What do you think?

Well, we could knock on the door,
say "Och aye the noo"

and ask 'em if they've just
nicked a Picasso.

It's direct and to the point.

But as we don't know who they are,
I think it's a bit foolhardy.

Yeah, I know. That's what I like about it.

Ash!

- Who is it?
- It's Ash Morgan.

I need to talk to you about
the Picasso you just nicked.

- Have you lost your marbles?
- Yeah. We haven't got a lot of time.

- What's the worst that could happen?
- They could kill us.

Yeah, well, then at least Mickey
would know we died trying.

You've got some bottle.

Yeah, well, needs must and all of that.

- Well, in you come, then.
- That's very kind,

but if it's all the same to you,
we'll stay out here.

Fair play.

The trouble is, a very good friend of mine
is being held by Petre Sava,

the bloke you nicked the Picasso from.

Now, it's a long story,
but now he thinks we've got it.

- Now, why would he think that?
- Because we told him we did.

Yeah. We were trying to sell him a fake.

- We're grifters.
- Yeah. It's what we do.

We read about the Picasso being nicked,

so we had a copy made
to sell to a private collector,

one who wouldn't ask
too many questions.

And if they'd read in the paper
about it being stolen,

- they would believe it was real.
- Exactly.

The trouble is, the collector
we took it to was Petre Sava,

the bloke you'd just nicked it from.

Which he wasn't very happy about,
as you can imagine.

Well, it's a beautiful story
and I am getting all misty-eyed,

but what's any of this got to do with us?

Well, er, if you give us the real Picasso -
the one that you nicked from Sava -

we can go and get our mate back.

Well, let's just say
that we had this painting,

not that I'm saying that we do,
you understand?

But he's your friend, not ours.

So what's in it for us?

Well, to be honest,
I haven't thought that bit through.

- What do you want?
- Don't want anything.

I tell you what. Twenty grand
and I'll nick it straight back for you.

You know,
just for the sheer brass neck of you,

I'm tempted to help you out.

And I do love a grifter,
especially a pretty one.

But it's already been moved on.

- Where?
- Oh, I can't tell you that.

You have to.

- Ash, is it?
- Yeah.

Ash. I can't do it, son.

We've worked years to build up a reputation
based on complete discretion.

I can't piss that up the wall
for a couple of grifters,

so my lips are sealed.

All right, what about if I threatened
to beat it out of you?

Then I would respect that.

And me and my brother Neil here
would defend ourselves as best we could

by ripping your head
from the rest of your body and eating it.

Fair enough, just asking.

You have a nice day.

So, looks like we're back to square one.

No, not exactly.
Now we know who stole it.

- Yeah, but not who for.
- We still don't know where it is.

Any news from the old bill, Albert?

It seems we know more than they do.

What if the McCrary brothers
haven't delivered it yet?

We could just watch the house
and wait for them to make a move, right?

What if they're delivering it tomorrow
or next week?

We've only got four hours left.

What about Petre Sava?

Well, I did some digging about,
like you said.

Mickey was right about him
being a high-end art collector.

His private collection would rival
most European galleries.

The last we knew, he owned
half a dozen nightclubs in London

so he was bound to be a bit dodgy.

Well, that's a good thing.

Yeah. Until you find out how dodgy.

Human trafficking...

...class-A drug distribution,

and a protection racket
that started in Romania

and has now spread
over eight European cities.

We need to get Mickey out of there.

So what did you do with the black guy?

He's in the boot of my car.

- Can he breathe?
- Sure.

At least, I think so.

If they don't bring me my painting,

you think we should kill him
or just cut some bits off?

Or both?

Both is good.

They don't... cut people up too much
in the West, you know.

They don't kill them very much either.
They beat up.

But if you just beat up, they get better,

they find some friends
and then they come back.

If you cut bits off

and post them to their friends,
this doesn't happen.

No. It's more efficient.

Exactly.

So, both it is.

You cut,

I kill.

Where's Mickey?

He's being held hostage
by a Romanian gangster

who won't release him until we find
a painting of a cat in a garden.

Yeah, right, yeah.

You crack me up, you lot.

Very vivid imaginations
as me mum used to say.

Mind you, probably need them
in your line of work.

Cheers, Eddie, look, give us a couple
of minutes will you? We're thinking.

I thought I could hear something.

Oh! You had a phone call. Nice lady.

- Molly?
- Dolly.

Dolly. That's it.
She said she's got what you want,

only you have to send the cute one.
Whatever that means.

No way. Oh. No... No way.

No way!

No...

Way.

Ta da!

I didn't know if you liked red or white,

so I brought one of each.

It was horrible.

So, did you actually have to...

- I don't want to talk about it.
- No, of course not.

She took her teeth out.

So, did she say anything at all?

Take a deep breath, Sean.

It might help to make
the pictures go away.

Petre Sava bought
A Small Cat in the Garden by Picasso

at an auction in Kensington.

He outbid a private collector
called Matthew Fairchild,

who's an investment banker

and happens to be the father
of Louise Fairchild,

whose married name is Holmes.

Should we know her?

No, but you might've heard
of her husband.

- Harry Holmes.
- The Harry Holmes?

Afraid so.

It's all right. It's all right, calm down.

Calm down.

Now, I understand you're not a grass

and I admire that in a man, I really do.

I need you to open up for me.

One way

or another.

When Harry Holmes found out
it was Petre Sava

that beat his father-in-law
to the painting, he wasn't happy.

- It hurt his pride a bit.
- Yeah, I bet it did.

I heard he was like a dog with two whatsits
when he married into the upper classes.

Apparently he's always fancied
joining the hunting, shooting, fishing set.

So the painting's all about
impressing the new in-laws?

- Yeah. Seems like it.
- Maybe those in-laws

are one of the reasons that Harry
hasn't got his own hands dirty

in order to get the painting back.

So he paid the McCrary brothers
to steal it for him instead.

That's what Dolly said.

And you're sure that wasn't
just pillow talk?

All right.

So, basically, on one side we've got
a violent Eastern European gangster

and on the other,
we have a homicidal maniac.

Yeah, that's about the strength of it.

- So what shall we do?
- Well, the sensible thing would be

to call the old bill,
tell 'em what happened

- and throw ourselves on their mercy.
- We're not gonna do that, right?

No.
Which leaves us with one other option.

Which is?

To steal the painting back
from Harry Holmes.

This is the home of Matthew Fairchild.

Father-in-law of Harry Holmes,

who paid the McCrary brothers

to steal the Picasso painting
from Petre Sava.

I still can't believe
you got it back.

It's family, innit?

I know someone who's getting
a special treat later.

Now, Fairchild's already a collector,

- so the security is a bit nifty.
- That's comforting.

Yeah, they've got CCTV,
weight sensor pads, motion detectors,

heat imaging systems and laser webs.

That's if you can get past
the two killer dogs in the grounds.

- I hate dogs.
- Well, luckily,

although the system's state of the art,

it was designed
by Matthew Fairchild himself.

How does that help us?

Well, systems like this are
only as good as their design

and he's made a very common,
but very simple mistake.

Which is?

Well, basically, it's a domestic system
and like most domestic alarm systems,

it's designed on the assumption
that a theft would take place

either when the place is empty
or at night under cover of darkness.

Which means when they're home
during the day,

- the alarms are switched off.
- Exactly, Albert.

Because who would be stupid enough
to break into a house in broad daylight

when everyone's at home?

OK, so this is all about timing.

Everything on cue, like a ballet.

Firstly, let's make sure the dogs
get their sleeping pills.

They'll last about 20 minutes.

Three, two, one.

Dogs are asleep.
I'm moving into position.

- Albert, you set?
- Ready.

Emma? Sean?

Ready.

Ready.

OK. Go.

Hello, madam.
We're investigating a stolen painting.

Excuse me.

What's going on?

I don't know.

I tell you what, I've got your number, fella.
I'll be straight on to the station.

But I think we should get out of here.

Yeah. I'm with you.

No, look!

Oh, this is it, I've had enough!

All right, come on.

- Calm down.
- Don't you tell me to calm down!

All right, thanks, Nigel.

Don't forget I owe you a big cigar.
A good one.

Yeah, thanks, bye-bye.

All right, the police have been tipped off.

They've seized the painting
and they've arrested Harry Holmes.

- Is that good or bad?
- Well, it can't be good, can it?

No, wait.
That's exactly what it is.

- How come?
- If the police have got it,

Sava was the rightful owner.

They'll just give him back the painting.

- And he'll let Mickey go.
- Job done.

Eduardo, refreshments if you please.

- Hello? Yes, Nigel.
- That's good.

I see. All right.

Thanks for taking the time
to call me back. I appreciate it.

- They've released Harry Holmes.
- That was quick.

Well, they found the painting
in the house and it was fake.

- What?
- No, that ain't possible.

We know it was the original.

He had it nicked from Sava
and Sava bought it at the auction.

Yeah, he wouldn't have been
angry enough to kidnap Mickey

and hang Ash upside down
if all he'd lost was a fake.

So if the one Harry had was
a fake, where's the real one?

Drinks up.

"Thank you very much, Eddie."
"Oh, It's a pleasure to serve you."

"Will you have one yourself?"
"Thank you very much, don't mind if I do."

- Doesn't make a lot of sense.
- No.

Let's just think about this for a minute.

We have to assume that the painting
the McCrary brothers nicked

- from Petre Sava is the real Picasso.
- Agreed.

Yeah, but by the time it got to Harry Holmes
and his father-in-law, it was a fake.

- Exactly.
- So they switched it?

- Must have done.
- Yeah, can't be anything else.

So, if they passed on a fake to Harry,

they must have had another buyer
lined up for the real one.

The robbing bastards.

The McCrary brothers
have the real painting.

Well, that's the only thing
that makes sense.

- Yeah. They must have it!
- Or at least know where it is.

- The gate's wide open.
- Oh, we're too late!

Oh!

There's no sign of life anywhere.

- No, they're long gone.
- Well, of course they are.

I mean, if you're just about
to stitch up Harry Holmes,

you're not gonna hang around
where he can find you, are you?

They must have moved out
just after we saw them, right?

They could be back in Glasgow by now.

- We're screwed.
- No, you mean Mickey is.

No. Wait, wait, wait.

If you are gonna give
Harry Holmes a fake,

you're not gonna risk him
spotting it, are you?

I mean,
it would have to be near perfect, so...

where would you go
for a near perfect copy of a Picasso?

A girl's got to earn a living!

But why didn't you tell us, Dolly?

Well, I didn't know
there was a connection!

Well, it's the flaming cat in the whatsit,

the same painting we
was asking you about.

Yeah, but I can't keep track of everything.
I'm not an accountant, I'm an artist.

All right, all right, all right.
So, step by step, right?

You did the fake
for the McCrarys, right?

- Maybe.
- Dolly! Stop messing about!

Are you going to let him
speak to me like that?

Eh?

I thought what we had was special.

- We didn't have anything.
- You touched my Mabel!

- What?
- That is what she calls her ferret.

- Ferret?
- Yeah, she keeps it in the karsy.

I don't let just anyone touch my Mabel.

Dolly!

Yeah, yeah, all right, all right.

I made the McCrarys a fake

and they said that they'd got a buyer
but he was a muppet

and he'd never know the difference.

Yeah, well, that muppet
is Harry Holmes.

- Oh. That's not good.
- No, it's not, is it?

So, I need you to tell me

what the McCrarys were doing
with the real Picasso.

They did say something
about a new buyer.

Who?

- I don't know.
- Did they say anything at all?

- Mention any names?
- No.

OK, right, well, the, er...

The fake. So, when you finished it,

- did they collect it from here?
- No.

- So how did you get it to them?
- I had to parcel it up

and send it in a cab.

Right. Where to?

I don't remember.

Dolly! This is important.

Well, look, It's all this pressure!

I can't think straight
with you all looking at me.

All right.
Would it help if we all just looked away?

Yes! Except him.

Oh, come on, Dolly!

Oh... Oh!

Maybe a gin might do it.

It helps me to relax.

All right.

- What will you have with it?
- More gin.

- Go.
- Thank you.

It was a hotel.

- Good. Which one?
- Up west.

Name.

Have another gin. Have another one.

She's no use to us
if she passes out, is she?

I am here, you know?

I could, er...
I could book us a room while I was there.

It was the Goodridge on the South Bank.

See if they've got a four-poster!

Is he still alive?

- Yes, boss.
- Hmm.

You know, your friends have two hours
to return with my painting.

If they are late,

we cut off something every 10 minutes
until they get here.

If they are not here in two hours,

we kill whatever is left.

What do you think of that?

Do you want me to take his gag off
so he can tell you what he thinks?

No, no. I'm a people person.

It was a rhetorical question.
I know what he thinks.

You do?

He is thinking he hopes his friends come
before we cut anything off.

Oh.

Then maybe he's thinking about
what we will cut off, huh? And in what order.

True?

Do you think they're still here?

- Albert, do you know the concierge?
- Yes. Anthony.

Excuse me for a moment.

Listen, I thought Dolly sent
the fake painting here.

Yes, because the McCrary brothers
needed a fake

to give to Harry Holmes,
not the real one.

Which means the real one
could be here?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Thank you.

All right. They're staying overnight.

They've booked a car for tomorrow morning
to go to the airport.

And right now, they're in the bar.

They don't look like they've
got anything with them.

- What room are they in, Albert?
- 624.

OK. Well, they've seen me and Em
so we'll check the room.

You two keep an eye on 'em,
give us a heads up if they move, yeah?

All right.

We haven't got a lot of time.

- You go that way.
- Yep.

Ladies, come on, we've got a room key
and we're not afraid to use it.

It's not here.

I'm making a real pig's ear of this, ain't I?

All those times Mickey's bailed us out
and I can't even find a painting.

Oh, we're gonna find it.
It's just a matter of time.

Yeah. Time we haven't got.
It's less than an hour now.

Do you know what?

I'd rather get tooled up,
go to Sava's and take me chances.

- You can't do that.
- Yeah, well, I can't do this either.

It's a setback, but come on.
You're just as smart as Mickey.

Right. The McCrary brothers
are still downstairs.

Let's just go and try to talk to them again.

We can get through this. Let's go.

Now that's clever.

See? I told you we'd get it.

Who the hell are you?

So, let me get this straight.

Sava is holding your mate
until you bring him this?

Yeah.

And he doesn't know it was me
that nicked the painting?

He thinks it was you.

Sounds like you're up shit creek
and left the paddle at home, sunshine.

And I have had a right result.

Just tell me one thing.

- How did you know it was here?
- We didn't.

We just found the McCrarys
and hoped for the best.

Yeah, well, those two stitched me right up.

Didn't just sell me a moody painting.

They made me look like a right prat
in front of my wife's family.

- Where are they?
- No idea.

There was no one in the room
when we got here.

All right. Seems to me
you two haven't done me any harm,

you've got nothing I need,

and you've got enough to worry about,
so get out.

Go on, sling your hook
before I change my mind.

We can't do that.

- Oh, yeah?
- No.

Without the painting,
Petre Sava's not gonna let our mate go,

so I don't care who you are.

I ain't leaving without it.

And that's your final word?

Yeah, it is.

No, don't!

Oh!

Ash, that wasn't very smart.

So, have we got a plan B?

- Well, it's more like plan A revisited.
- Yeah?

Harry will take the painting
back to his father-in-law's house

like a conquering hero.

And we've already got a plan in place

- how to steal it back from there.
- Clever.

Yeah, more importantly,
we need Harry back at the house pronto

and finding the McCrary boys
will only slow him down.

So let's make sure he has to leave now.

Right.

Like a ballet, remember?

- We all set?
- Ready.

Set.

I'm ready.

Right. Go.

And you're sure it's definitely
the real one this time?

Oh, yeah.

Mmm, I love you so much I could burst.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Hello, hi. I'm really sorry,

but my Bobby has just run
into your garden.

- Bobby?
- It's a white Bichon Frise.

- Oh...
- I mean, I was really worried

- in case you had dogs.
- We do!

Oh. No. Erm...

Bobby! Darling, come on!

I'll come with you.

Bobby! Come on, little baby boy!

OK, two in the viewing room.

Time to split 'em up.

Bobby! Bobby!

Hello? Fairchild.

Paul Holland from New York.

We met at one of those awful
meet and greets in London last month.

You do remember?

We've been through here twice before.

Yes, but he could be under
any one of these bushes now. Bobby!

OK, Ash, one left over.

OK, Ash. Good to go, mate.

- There!
- What?

I heard something! This way!

Bobby!

Yes. Uh-huh.

Yes.

Which brings me to my other point.

Do you know what? If you don't find them
in the first half hour, then,

you know, you might...

Excuse me.

- Oh. Yes?
- Time to go.

Oh, that's amazing!

Oh, thank you, darling, so much!

Yes, I'm coming back now. All right.

- He found his way home!
- Oh!

He's such a clever baby!
Oh, thank you so much for helping.

- It's fine. It's fine.
- Bye-bye!

Bye!

Well, perhaps you could
call me in my office.

All right? And I can...

I'm sorry, Matthew, I got the Senator
on the other line and I gotta take it.

But I'll be in touch. Thank you so much.

Home, James,
and don't spare the horses!

Goodness. You won't believe
what I've been doing in the garden.

I've been chasing...

Oh, no!

Yeah, I've got it.
Yeah, the real one.

The same place as you left me
in half an hour.

But if Mickey's not there, the deal's off.

OK. Half hour.

- Well?
- All set.

We'll meet them back at the warehouse
in half an hour.

We give 'em the real painting,
they give us Mickey.

But can we trust them?

The honest truth is, Albert, I don't know.

What if Harry realises it was us?

I don't know that either.

- But, Ash, what happens if...
- Look, let's just get Mickey back first

and worry about
everything else later, yeah?

Sounds like a plan.

Yeah, well, first, I need a drink.

Set 'em up, Ed.

There you are!

Mad Dolly told us where to find you.

Oh?

That was you at the hotel, wasn't it?

- Hotel?
- I saw you leaving.

Just passing, were you?

That's right, yeah. We, erm...

Well, we found out where you were

and we thought we'd try again,
you know, to...

convince you to...

let us take the painting.

That's what I thought.

So, it was you guys
that set off the alarm, was it?

- Yeah, yeah, we...
- What did I tell you?

That's why we're here.
We wanted to say thank you.

Eh?

Look, I don't know why
you hit the alarm when you did.

If you guys hadn't done that,
we'd have just waltzed up there

and found Harry Holmes in our room.

Yeah, well, you know...

- Don't mention it.
- So, what happened?

You... You found us

and then you saw Harry
and his goons there too, right?

That's right, yeah, so we legged it.

Only we didn't want
to drop you in it, so...

- So we hit the alarm.
- Yeah.

Look, all I know is
if it wasn't for you guys,

we would be screwed, so thank you.

It's a pleasure.

- I hope you'd do the same for us.
- Oh, absolutely.

Well, there you go, then.

Look, we would love to stay
and have a beer with you,

but we have a flight to catch.

We've gotta get home
and make a start on spending this.

Four hundred grand for the painting.

- The painting?
- The Picasso.

We sold Harry one of the duds
Dolly made.

Yeah, I heard.
That's why he was looking for you.

Oh, no doubt. But we also had
another buyer lined up for the real one.

German guy.

Wait.

You said you sold one...
of the duds to Harry?

So you sold a dud to the German, too?

No, no. He got the real thing.

Bid the highest, you see.

No, we had Dolly make two duds.

We sold one to Harry,

and the other we were gonna sell
to some Aussie guy in the hotel bar,

but he was a no-show.

Yeah, yeah, but...
you can't have sold the real one.

Harry found it in your room.

Well, he would have
been pretty disappointed

- when he got home.
- Eh?

Did the deal with the German guy
this afternoon, long before Harry found us,

so if he found a painting
in our hotel bedroom, it was the other dud.

Shit, I think we actually hung it up
on the wall, didn't we?

We were leaving it as a wee present
for the hotel.

Like I said,
we just came here to say thank you.

Oh, by the way, how did, er...

How did things pan out
with your friend?

Oh, well, we're, erm...
we're still working on it.

- Well, good luck with that.
- Cheers.

So we stole another fake?

You told Sava
we had half an hour.

We've got 15 minutes.

So, what do we do now?

Here, mate.

When you live outside the law,
on the fringes of society,

you're always gonna have days like this.

What you might call
a bad day in the office.

Well, the thing is not to panic,

because people like this lot,
they're like dogs.

They can smell fear.

So the trick is to make them think
you know something they don't.

That way, they'll generally hold off killing you
while they try and work out what it is.

- You have brought my painting?
- You brought my friend?

- Painting first.
- Friend first or there's no deal.

I don't think you're in
a position to negotiate, do you?

If you believe that, it could be
the worst mistake you ever made.

I see my friend, you see your painting.

Take the...

Now your turn.

Right. Who's got my painting?

This is none of your business, Harry.

Well, I'm making it my business, Boris.

I've been dancing
around you lot for too long.

- My name is not Boris.
- It is when I'm talking to you.

You know, calling me Boris is racist.

Tough.

Er, excuse me, can we, er...
can we get on with this, please?

What are you doing here?

What do you think
I'm flaming doing here?

I've come to swap this painting

for my mate.

- That is my painting.
- No. My painting.

- Look, I nicked it fair and square.
- Yeah, and now I'm getting it back.

That's enough!

- Who are you shouting at?
- You!

The pair of you!

Have you never heard
of honour amongst thieves?

Some kind of nodding appreciation
amongst your peers?

You're like a couple of five-year-olds.

"Please, Miss, he's nicked my painting."

It's pathetic.
And I've had it with both of you!

Get the painting.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

I've had a gun shoved up me hooter,

been hung upside down
and kicked up in the air.

I've been threatened
by at least three nationalities

who are running around half of London

chasing some stupid picture of a cat
in someone's back garden

that looks like it was done
by a three-year-old on a sugar rush.

I've been lied to, cheated

and generally abused

just because me and my mate here
were trying to earn an honest crust

when Rasputin here
went and kidnapped him.

- Hey. Rasputin is worse than Boris.
- I said, shut it!

Now, I don't know whose painting this is

and, to be quite honest,
I don't give a flying toss!

I have had a very bad day!

Do you know who you're talking to?

Never mind who I'm talking to.

You wanna worry about who we are, son!

We're grifters!

Yeah.

This bloke over here,
he's sold the Eiffel Tower,

the Palace of Westminster
and the Sydney Opera House.

We broke banks,
companies and political parties.

We took on the mafia in Las Vegas

and we made
the London Special Branch

look like the Keystone Kops.

So never mind about
you two threatening us!

Now I'm threatening you!

We're gonna make you our hobby.

Spend sleepless nights working out

how to take away everything
from you, every penny!

It won't be just a sodding painting
you have to worry about.

You'll be working out
where you're gonna sleep at night.

Cos we're gonna pick you clean.

We'll strip every bit of flesh
off the bone.

Nice speech. I got just one question.

Yeah, what's that?

How are you lot gonna do that

when you're dead?

Very good.

- Now give me my painting.
- No. No.

You give me my painting.

Some people never listen, do they?

I tell you what.

You can sort it out amongst yourselves!

Yeah! Just go around the side.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it.

Watch what you're doing!

Don't damage it!

You didn't phone, you didn't write.

Sorry, mate.
I've been a bit tied up.

- Is that who I think it is?
- Harry Holmes, yeah.

Oh. Good job he turned up.

Yeah, well...
I phoned him.

- You phoned him?
- Yeah.

So, what do we do now?

Hello. Harry?

Would you be interested to know

who the McCrary boys were working for
when they double-crossed you?

Aye, I do know. Have you got a pen?

Come on. Give it!

Just watch the painting, will you?

They don't seem to like
each other very much.

No, well, I, er...
I phoned the other one and all.

Harry Holmes!

Yes, he cheated a friend of mine,

so when I find out
he stole your painting,

I thought it right to call you.

And I phoned the old bill,
just in case it went pear-shaped.

They should be here in a minute.

It's mine! I've got it!

Oh...

- Is that the real Picasso?
- Oh, no, no. No, that's a fake.

So, guys. Can I... Can I ask a question?

- Yeah, yeah.
- I mean I don't want to sound

- ungrateful or anything.
- No, it's OK.

But wouldn't it have been simpler
to get the real painting?

It's OK.

- Cheers, Eddie.
- All right, all right.

Thank you.

- So, no one's looking for us?
- No. No, you see,

they both thought that the original

was damaged in the fight
at the warehouse.

But neither Petre Sava
nor Harry Holmes

could afford to lose face.

So, the only way they could save face
was to have a fake each.

That way they could
both say they won

and honour is restored.

And they all get to live
happily ever after.

Down on the left side. Ah!

Yeah, well, you know,
happy as they can be.

Perfect.

Well, it seems the only winners
are the McCrary boys.

Tell me about it.
They just walked off with 400 grand.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

They might get to go away
with all the money, but we got

something much more precious.
We got Mickey back.

Oh, yes, that's true.

- Yeah...
- Ah. Thanks, guys.

You can't put a price on friendship.

No, but if you could,
I reckon it'd be about 400 grand.

Don't listen to him cos he was
beside himself when you were gone.

He was taking all the blame
and he was full of self loathing.

It was just really heartbreaking
to watch, it was.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Well we may not have

made any money,
but apart from the odd bruise,

- I think everything turned out OK.
- Yes, it did.

Ash, I've gotta
ask you something.

Did you really lose it with those gangsters
at the warehouse?

Well...

We hadn't got a lot of options
at that point,

so I thought I'd do
a bit of Mickey waffle.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mickey waffle?

Yeah, you know that thing
where you talk a lot,

- but don't actually say anything.
- Sorry, no, I do not waffle.

- You do a bit.
- When?

Usually when you know you're wrong
but you won't admit it.

I'm sorry, but that's...
that's far from waffling.

That's just my way of presenting
a reasoned argument,

a way of putting forward the facts,

which, in the main, Ash, I'm sorry to say,
is something you fail to do.

You prefer to use emotional rhetoric
littered with expletives to make your point.

No, it's true, it's true.

Oh!

That was not waffling, thank you, Sean.

I wish you'd left me in the boot now.

Well, could be arranged.

- Tomorrow's papers.
- Oh, cheers.

Erm...
That was that Dolly bird again.

I was gonna give you a shout,
but I could hear you waffling.

- Cheers, Ed.
- I wasn't waffling.

- Course not.
- Erm...

This Dolly, she sounds a bit of all right
on the phone. What's she like?

- Oh, now... Now... She is special.
- Yeah.

Yeah? Is she a looker?

Oh, definitely.

- Is she a looker?
- Got a lovely set of teeth, hasn't she, Sean?

Oh, amazing.

Only, we had a bit of a chat, you know?
We got on like an house on fire.

Think she was flirting a bit when she, er...
when she rang earlier, you know?

She said she liked me accent and that so,
you know, might have a crack at it, like.

- "Lt"?
- Yeah, yeah.

You don't mind, do you?
I don't want to tread on anyone's toes.

No. Good for you, Eddie.
You go for it.

She's invited me round for a drink.

- Yeah?
- Ah!

Edward...
this is a match made in heaven.

- You think so?
- Absolutely.

You knock yourself out, son.

Cheers, guys.

- I'll let you know how I get on.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Do you think that was a bit cruel?
- Yeah. Probably.

Oh, listen to this.

It says here that a Mondrian was stolen
from a gallery in Central London

and it's valued at ?2.3 million.

Doesn't Tucker still do fake Mondrians?

- It was a joke.
- Yeah!

Should've seen your face.