Hustle (2004–2012): Season 8, Episode 1 - Gold Finger - full transcript

The gang go after mouthy Dexter Gold (born Dexter Pratt) whose advertisements claim that he pays top prices for gold but cheats his customers,including Albert's friend widowed Vivienne. Furthermore he would seem to be a fence for several bullion robberies,laundering the proceeds to a German contact. The hustlers engineer an accidental meeting,claiming that they are renegade soldiers who stole gold bars from Muamma Gaddafi though only one bar is genuine. With an inside accomplice and the fortuitous intervention of the army Gold is easy to fleece. A harder task is making up to Eddie after they have childishly defaced the signed photo of his soccer god Ian Rush.

So, if we're ready
for signature...?

You can absolutely guarantee
it'll be the final leg?

No question.

Anything else would be
in breach of contract.

Who's giving it to me?

- Excellent question, Phoebe!
- Who's giving it to her?

Er... Anthony?

Erm...

Dame Kelly Holmes.

Ooh...

I don't know who she is.



- She's an olympic athlete.
- I don't care.

I can have who I want, can't I,
mummy? Daddy said!

Well, darling...

Why can't I ever have
anything I want?

Well, it's...

Do we have any other choices?

Erm... Lord Coe.

- No.
- Sir Ian Botham? - No.

- Sir Ian Mckellen?
- No.

- Justin Bieber.
- Yes?

He'll be fine.
Marvellous.

We've brought
along a replica so that

Phoebe has plenty
of time to prepare.

So, you pick up from Justin,
then it's up the steps



and Bob's your Uncle.
You're a very lucky girl.

Actually, it has nothing
to do with luck.

My daddy is very,
very, very rich.

She's v proud of her father.

And he says I can have whatever
I want, because I'm his princess.

Yes, you are.

So, all we need now is
your sponsorship cheque.

Of course.

Good. Well, it's been an
absolute pleasure.

How exciting!

Lucinda will be completely sick.
All she's doing is a stupid dance.

She'll be one of hundreds,
but I'll be special.

Yes, you will, poppet.

So what happens now?

All the paperwork will come
through in about a week

or so - rehearsal dates,
vip passes, details, etc.

Just make sure you've marked
July 27th on your calendar.

Abso-bloody-lutely!

Say thank you, Phoebe.

She's highly strung.
V creative.

Oh, bless her.

How'd it go?

- Like taking candy from a baby.
- Ah-ha.

It's funny how you enjoy
some jobs more than others.

Because some people are
more deserving than others.

- Makes it all the sweeter.
- Yes, it does. Mind you...

A hundred grand
ain't to be sniffed at.

No. It's a lot of clothes.

To tell you the truth, they had
way too much money anyway.

I mean, when you think about it,
we're a bit like Robin Hood.

Yeah, well,
we do take from the rich...

Only instead of giving it
to the poor... we buy clothes.

Which isn't quite as catchy.
No - but we look great.

You've gotta love the Olympics.

Apart from the fact they're turning

the east end into a chinless
wonder's paradise.

So far, we've sold 12
non-existent executive boxes

and three olympic torch runs.

She was such a brat.

Yeah, no wonder the country
is in the state it's in.

The way some people
bring up their children.

All I had at her age was a
sherbet dib dab and a hula hoop.

I used to beat you hands down
every time. You bragging?

Snake hips Kennedy,
they used to call me.

Actually, he called himself that.

Only cos I used to beat you.

Yes, because I couldn't
get it off you, that's why.

All right, children - we've made
100 grand, you can all have hoops.

Sure that's wise at Albert's age?
He might do himself a mischief. Oh?

Well, I could teach you
youngsters a thing or two.

Yes, you could, Albert.

I've worked something out about
you lot. You're like big kids. Yeah?

I realised when you
said you had a 100

grand so everyone
could have hoops.

Who in their right mind,
if they had a £100,000,

would even think about
spending it on hoops?

What have you got
against hoops, Eddie?

He's hoopist.

Could've had a bad
experience as a child.

- Yeah, he got all tangled up...
- Couldn't quite get the rhythm...

See? You're like big kids,
messing about...

Are you making a point here, Ed,
or just having a northern rant?

There is a point, actually.

One of you did this to Rushie!

Hang on. How do you
know it was one of us?

Cos it happened last night, and
you were the only ones in here.

Right. Right?
So? Who was it?

Well, whoever it was can't draw,
cos his moustache is rubbish.

That's his real one.

You've defiled him! Look at him!

It's not right, this!
This man was poetry in shorts.

Summat funny, Michael?

No.
Sorry.

Right, well - until one of you owns
up, you're barred. Eh? Barred?

That's a bit strong, innit Ed?

Especially as we're your partners.

I don't mind all the banter
and the general abuse,

but this is going too far!

All right, I think someone
better own up.

- What you looking at me for?
- Well, you're the football nut.

- Oi, oi, we're not all hooligans.
- Well, it wasn't me.

Right, well - you're barred, all
of you, till I find out who done it.

I mean it!

Let's go. Well, go on.
Come on.

- Barred?
- Barred!

I'm serious, guys.
It's taken me years

to teach Eddie how to
make a proper breakfast.

Yes - not to mention
losing our office.

Yeah, well, he's got
that scouse resolve.

He won't give up till
one of us admits it.

So go on.
Who was it?

- I'm Spartacus.
- You?!

- I did the ears.
- I er...I did the glasses.

And the beard?

Ready for this?
Watch.

See...?

Well, that wasn't very
grown-up, was it?

Albert started it.

- Hey, come on you snitch.
- Oh, come on, don't even start.

All right, that's enough,
that's enough.

- We can worry about Eddie later.
Albert's got a new mark. - Oh, who?

It's er..
Kind of personal.

Ash, would you...
Help me out?

This is Dexter Gold.
That's not his real name,

he changed it by deed
poll four years ago.

- What's his real name?
- Dexter Pratt.

Started up a "gold
hard cash" website

when the economy
went into turmoil

and he made a small fortune.

Classy guy.

Basically people who needed a few
extra pounds

saw his ads in the newspapers,
sent their jewellery in,

and he conned them by paying out
a fraction of what it was worth.

That is how I found him.

Excuse me for just for just
a moment. Sorry.

Madam?

'Vivienne marchant
hit hard times

'when her husband died
three years ago.'

the worst thing is,
I feel so stupid.

Oh, no, no.

There was a time, when
if it was in a newspaper

written in black and white,
it was true!

- Better days.
- My George would be furious.

He'd have gone round there,
given him what for.

I'm sure he would.

Well, I tried!
He just laughed at me.

Said the conditions were
written down.

In small print, no doubt.

It's really good of you
to help me, Albert.

You can't be too careful who you
trust these days, my dear.

The world isn't what it was.
After all, you only met me, what,

three days ago?
I could be a con-man too.

Oh, don't be so daft!

She sent this piece of filth -
listen to this -

two 24 carat gold rings,
a diamond brooch.

60 years of memories.

He sent her back £28.50.

- Bastard. - If we don't take this
bloke for every penny he's got,

I'll smack him in the
mouth just for fun.

Don't worry, Ash, he'll
receive our full attention.

Ah, yes, there is
a bit of a problem.

Isn't there always?

Michael?

We checked him out and his gold
hard cash business, it seems,

is just a sideline.

He was connected to the gold
bullion robbery at Gatwick in 2008

and the Tottenham warehouse
gold heist last year.

He's a fence?

He's a middle man
for stolen gold bullion.

He uses his Gold
Hard Cash business

as a cover to melt it
down and sell it on.

What difference does
it make if he's a crook?

Well, he's not just a crook,
he's one of the chaps.

♪ when the pimp's in the crib
drop it like it's hot

♪ drop it like it's hot

♪ drop it like it's hot

♪ when the pigs try to give it you

♪ park it like it's hot

♪ park it like it's hot

♪ lf a ... get a attitude

♪ pop it like it's hot
pop it like it's hot

♪ pop it like it's hot... ♪

So, because of the circles

he mixes in, we don't
want him coming after us.

Or worse, telling one
of his gangster friends

he's been conned
and offering them

a better deal
if they take care of us.

So, if we do this, we need to
close it off when we're done.

- Agreed?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Good.
Then let's find a way in.

Bish bosh, job's a good 'un.

Write the cheque,
send it to number one,

Winners Street, daddy's
bringing home the bacon.

When I said this deal was 24 carat,
was I right or was I wrong? Hang on.

Talk on your own time.

You touch that bleedin' phone again
and I'll shove it up your jacksy.

So was I right or wrong?

No, don't just laugh and say "yeah,"
Peter, actually say the words...

Was I right or wrong?

Exactly, you get your deal sorted
out before you spend your money.

Capiche?

We're middle men,
not investors,

when we get the deal,
they get the deal, ok?

Now sod off and next time
listen to me instead of

that poxy business degree you
wasted five years of your life on.

Shania, get your arse over here.

Me mug's empty.

Excuse me?

What have I told you?
Mug of tea, the minute I get in.

Well, he likes his movies.

- Movies? - Yeah, I just hacked into
his online DVD rentals account.

He's got 27 films
in three weeks.

Porn?

Strangely enough, no,
they all look like war films.

- War? - Yeah. What does
that say about him?

- That he likes to watch people
being shot and blown up. - Nice.

If he likes war movies...
What about this?

It looks like Gadaffi was trying to
ship out some of his goodies

while the yanks were taking
pot shots at him and

a couple of truck
loads went missing.

One of which was thought
to be gold bullion.

They think it's a rogue army unit.

So we use this
as our back story?

Why not?
It fits his personality.

It's true, so it'll check out,

and it saves time having to set
something up from scratch.

Hi. How you doing?

- There you go.
- Thanks, bye. Cheers.

Honestly, he is so sexist,
apparently

every woman in flat
shoes is a lesbian.

No wonder he hasn't
got a girlfriend.

Thing is, Baz, splitting
up consignments

ain't doing us any favours, we need
someone who can take the lot.

I'm seeing this German
geezer later on,

he says he can take
whatever we've got.

I ain't trying to pull a fast one,

but a Troy ounce of gold was 875
quid when I woke up this morning.

Now, unless you know
something I don't,

why would I get less than that?

We'll give you 875 for
your domestic business,

but we are aware that sometimes
your sources are not always...

Legitimate?

So, if you want to use us

but you don't want us to ask,
"where is it coming from?"

Then we like to pay
a little less, ja?

Yeah, yeah.

So, uh...How much can you take?

We have no upper limit.

- And payment?
- What's your preference?

Cash.

The money laundering laws
are very stringent in Germany.

- Bankers draft or direct transfers.
- Agreed.

We have a 2m euro ceiling
on direct transfers.

Looks like you've found
your UK supplier.

You see, melting down trinkets sent
in by wrinklies feeling the pinch

ain't going to build my new pool,
is it, Barry? Let's be honest.

And the dealers are squeezing
all the margins, so...

The krauts have agreed to
take whatever we can supply,

no upper limit.

So, bish bosh, open up the
till, keep the change.

So, when do we start, boss?

I told him I'd send him his first
shipment at the end of next week.

There's a couple of the
lads planning jobs.

A cargo terminal at Stansted
and an arab bank in Kensington.

But they're a few weeks away,
so, if there's no hooky gold about,

let's get a few more
press ads running.

Knitting magazines, something
to terrify the bingo squad,

"recession to bite deep,
fuel prices to soar.

"The cost of cardigans and blue
rinses to go through the roof.

"What use is your wedding ring
if you can't turn the heating on?"

Maybe do a special offer for widows!

I like what you did there, Baz.

Yeah. And then let's start with the
housewives, make 'em feel guilty

about their kids not having
the latest video games

while they're still
dripping in gold.

Do some photos of kids...Crying.

Right, get on with it!
I'm on it, boss!

Big push, Baz, ok?

Shania?

Sean, what have you got?

Well, according to his pa,
he's single,

in between girlfriends,
which is his usual state,

he's not a member of any clubs,
only drinks champagne,

preferably bollinger, hates dogs,
women in flat shoes

and bread-and-butter pudding.
And his lucky number's five.

So... supports Tottenham,
never goes to live matches,

his favourite singers are Michael
Buble, Shirley Bassey and Madonna.

His favourite film
is saving private Ryan.

Plays paintball on the weekend.

Favourite colour's gold.
On the rare occasion

he does go to a fancy dress party
he goes as auric goldfinger,

the bloke from the bond film,
but no-one ever knows who he is.

Oh, and he's got a parrot
named Goldie.

Ok. Emma?

He's listed as a director
of 11 companies, all gold-related,

with a combined
turnover of £3m,

so, I think we can say
he's above the poverty line.

- Props?
- Everything's in place, ready to go.

And what about our bait?

Ah, our bait...

..Looks a little something like...

..This.

Ooh...

Wow.
Is that real?

Oh, yes.

32 grand's worth,
give or take.

It's rented, so it has to go back
in one piece when we're done.

That should get his attention.

Oh... he's got a four o'clock
meeting out in the sticks.

Then let's bring him in.

Hngh...?!

- Do you want to die?
- No.

In about 15 seconds, six blokes
are going to come out of the woods.

They'll kill me first,
then shoot you just for fun.

So, get in the car and drive.

Now!

He's in.

They jumped me on the way back
from their so-called dealers.

It must have been a setup.

No, no, no, I flagged a ride.

No, he's a civilian, it's all right.

I'll be back in an hour,
you just sit tight.

Ok, look, I'm sorry
to drag you into this,

but I was up shit creek and you
just happened to be there.

You saved my life.

I owe you one.

Who was after you?

Greedy bastards, that's who.

But you got me out and that takes
guts. You ever been in the forces?

No. I thought about the ta once.

Oh, you should do it.
Yeah? Yeah.

Is that what I think it was?

What if it was?

I heard you on the phone,
about the dealer.

- Am I going to have trouble
with you, son? - No, no.

The thing is, that's what I do.

What?

I'm a gold dealer.

Yeah, yeah, course you are.

Listen, thanks for the ride,
sorry for the inconvenience.

No! No, look, look.
Here's my card.

If you got something to sell,
I can find a buyer.

You think it worked?

Well, that's the thing about greed.
It's very predictable.

Great.

Sean, can you get us into
his offices tomorrow morning?

Yeah, I'll call Shania,
my new best friend.

Look, we've got to do something
about Eddie.

Yeah, I said that.

There we go.
Enjoy.

- We need to do something about Eddie.
- I have an idea. Oh, yeah?

I'm going to call in a favour.

Hello, Eddie's bar.

- It's Ian rush here.
- 'What?'

do me a favour, that's pathetic.
You don't even sound like him.

Hey, listen, I don't know who
you are, but you can tell that lot

that I'm not as stupid as they
think I am, all right? Ya f...

Nice try, but he
didn't believe us.

Ok. Albert, Emma.
See if you can work on him.

Hey, why me? I didn't draw
ears on his football hero!

He's got a soft spot for you.
I'm not sleeping

with him just so Ash can have a fry up.

- That's your trouble, ems.
You're selfish. - Not funny.

Just tell him it was Albert.
He can apologise, end of.

- Oh, but why me?
- Oh, Mickey then.

We won't tell him it was Mickey, cos
he'll make Mickey's life a misery.

Albert, tell him it was Sean.
Hang on a minute!

Sean, you're the youngest.

Well, if you grass me up,
I'm taking you all down with me.

Aren't we forgetting something here?

It is Eddie we're talking about.

Ash is right, I'm sending
two premier league grifters

to deal with one barman,
it shouldn't be a contest.

He's really stubborn, though.
You'll think of something.

Brass may be your best bet.

It won't be cheap
but it will look the part

once it's melted down
and moulded into blocks.

Well, give us a ball park, Arnie.

Five grand if I get it back,
ten if I don't. Done.

Ok. What about this?

What do you need?
A different seal on it.

Well, I'll have to melt it down
so I can stamp it.

Can you do that?

If it's made of metal, Mickey,
I can do anything.

Metal Mickey?

Never mind.

What seal do you need on it?

This one.

We'll see you at 8.30.

- I don't believe you.
- It's true.

You wouldn't do that, Albert,

- you're just protecting someone.
- Eddie!

Why ask one of us to apologise if,
when we do, you don't believe us?

- You're just taking me for a mug.
- No, we're not.

What about the fella
you got to phone up?

- The one pretending to be Ian rush?
- No, it actually was Ian rush.

You're doing it again, treating me
like an idiot.

Eddie, you're impossible!

- And you're barred.
- Would it help if I slept with you?

- No.
- What?!

Sorry, I panicked just then,
I meant to say yeah. Eddie!

Listen, I know he did it and
until he comes here in person,

apologises and says in front
of witnesses that liverpool FC

are better than west ham,
then you're staying barred.

It's not happening. I mean, the flaming
cheek of it, and I never did it.

He's convinced himself it was you and
there's no persuading him otherwise.

Come on, Ash, man up.
Take one for the team.

No.

It'll take you 20 seconds,
how hard can it be?

I ain't done it.

- You are as stubborn as each other.
- I didn't do anything!

Think of Eddie's breakfast.

Yeah, he's finally got
his fried bread right.

Crunchy crust, a bit
soggy in the middle.

No.

I'd rather starve.

Thanks.

His diary's full but he's
got a gap in ten minutes...

Right.

Morning.

We set?

Yeah, if you lose it, I'm
stopping it out your wages.

Wish me luck.

You gave this to a friend
of mine yesterday.

♪ oh, it feels so good

♪ to have you by my side
on a Sunday morning

♪ let's work together, baby, yeah. ♪

Shania! Get yourself
a cup of tea, love.

You were kind enough
to give him a lift.

So what's on your mind?

Oh, I think you know
why I'm here.

Why don't you spell it out for me?

We have some merchandise. We're
having trouble finding a buyer.

Yeah, so I heard. That doesn't mean
you won't have to pay a decent price.

You'll have to let the dog
see the rabbit first.

Libyan?
Problem?

Not for me.

So you're interested, then?

It's what I do.
I'm a middle man.

I find two parties, each wanting
something the other has,

and no way of coming together...

So, really, I'm a facilitator.

The bottom line is, I can find a
buyer for that with one phone call.

- Good. - As long as you and your
boyfriend understand three things.

I'm assuming
he is your boyfriend?

Yes, he is.

That's what I thought.

- Where was I?
- Three things?

Yeah, right. I'm not a mug,
apart from the Libyan stamp,

all that drama yesterday tells me
it's obviously nicked, and, er...

I read the newspapers
like everybody else...

I know where this
has come from,

so the price I pay will
have to reflect that.

Second.

My commission for negotiating this
deal is 20% at your end,

non-negotiable.

And third?

If you so much as think
about turning me over,

I know people who can track
you down and hurt you

so much you'll be begging
them to finish you off.

I'll pass it on.

Once we've agreed a price, just
let us know where they need to go.

You mean there's more than one?

Yes.

So... how many we
talking about exactly?

A hundred.

A hundred!
All the same as that one?

You mean you've got the whole lot?

You trying to tell me it was you...

If this is too big for you...

Oh, no... it might take more than
one phone call that's all...

Can I see them?
I don't know.

My contacts don't like
being pissed about.

If I don't see the goods,
I don't pick up the phone.

It's your choice.

The place where you
dropped our mutual friend,

two o'clock this afternoon.

Holy shit.

I think we have a nibble.

Shania!

Get Heinz Zimmerman
on the phone.

Then put the kettle on.

Will it stand up?

To what?

- Inspection.
- 100%. - Good.

As long as you don't get
within six feet.

This ain't chicken feed, Heinz,

we're talking 100 kilos of 24 carat,
this is a serious shipment.

When's it ready?

Well, we'll need to melt it down
and restamp, but I can...

I can do the paperwork...
The question is can you handle it?

You talk the talk buddy,
it's time to walk the walk.

There's three mill's worth here,
are you in or are you out?

'Ok we have a deal,
I'll be there.'

good call, be in touch.

♪ yo, mic check, mic check

♪ yeah here you go
nah, here, over here

♪ yeah, I heard he got
that hot new thing

♪ oh-la-la-la. Yeah oh, yeah, yeah
turn it over. ♪

all right, babes?

Don't move or I'm gonna blow
your brains out, do you hear me?

Eddie's isn't the only bar
in London.

Maybe we should just find
somewhere else?

No, no, we'll find a way to sort it.

Sorry about that, but we
can't disclose our location.

The British army have sent
a special ops unit to find us.

Oh, well, fair enough then!

Oh, don't mind him.
He's just not the trusting type.

You all right then?

So, you think you
can get us a deal?

Yes, I do.

But it won't be easy, as I
told your lady friend here.

- How much?
- Well, that's hard to say.

- What was I telling you?
- Relax.

There's 100 bars.

I looked it up, they're worth
about 30 grand each.

If you buy 'em from the bank
of england, yeah, maybe...

But you won't get anything near
that, not for a shipment like this.

You can't move gold on without
paperwork. You need to, er,

melt it down, give it a new identity,
feed it back into the system.

That takes time and money.

You talking to us
about it not being easy?

Three months ago, we'd just done
a black ops stint in Libya,

dodging yank cruise missiles
and apache gun ships,

smuggling rebel supporters out of
tripoli before gaddafi got to them.

Gaddafi got his secret police
to move his stash of goodies

before the rebels arrived.

Artwork, cash... gold.

He died, we caught the gold truck
on the road out of tripoli.

And we...Relieved them of it.

Now we have not fought our
way across half of Africa,

carrying 100 kilos in gold bars and
then smuggled them into the uk,

just so some smarmy scumbag
civilian can try to rip us off.

Do you get me?

Back off, corporal.

Yes, sir.

How much?

I can get you half a million,
transferred into any account,

you like, anywhere in
the world in 20 seconds.

I'd rather shoot him
where he stands.

You want to spend another
two weeks in here!?

We've been screwed
over twice now.

You won't get a better price,
I guarantee it. He's playing us.

Half a million pounds
is a lot of money.

What about half a million,
but no commission?

You make what you
can when you move it on.

- Commission is non-negotiable.
- Yeah? I say we negotiate.

All right! Ok!

- Forget the commission. Heart of
gold, that's my trouble. - When?

I need to verify the shipment first.

I mean a sample,
check the purity.

What else?

Well, if it all checks out, I can get
this done in 24 hours. Bish bosh!

24 hours.

Well?

Bloody hell, boss.

- It's top end, 24 carat.
- And?

Well, it's Libyan government seal,
it's about as kosher as it gets.

What's it worth?

Gold price this morning was up a
bit, so... just about £33,500?

So 100 bars...?

Three million, three hundred
thousand, and change.

Hmm.

- Grub's up.
- Great!

The mark just called,
everything's set up for tomorrow.

We're just running
through a few things.

- Oh, right. Er, two COD, Albert.
- Thank you. - And one for Mickey.

Pie for me, haddock for ems...

- ..And a saveloy for Sean.
- Saveloy!

So, when did he phone?

About 20 minutes ago.

It'll be a pleasure to
take his money.

If this works, Albert was thinking
of giving some money to Vivienne,

you know, maybe send her on
a cruise or something. Great idea.

Don't forget, we've still got to
sort Eddie out as well. Yes, we do.

I'm not apologising for
something I didn't do.

- No, of course not, no-one would
expect you to. - Sean had an idea.

Mm, I mean, he wouldn't believe me
that it was Albert,

but I reckon, if I try hard enough,
I can convince him it was me.

What, you'd hold your hand up?

Yeah, if that's what it takes to fix
it then that's what I have to do.

Well, I think that's brilliant,
Sean.

Yeah. Yeah, it is. Only thing is,
I'm not sure what to say to him.

- Just say sorry for scribbling
on his photo. - Yeah, that's fine.

No, no, no, no, it was more
than that, it was Ian rush.

He's football royalty
for scousers.

No, you've got to say
something like, erm...

I'm sorry for defacing the photograph

of the greatest footballer
who ever lived.

Sounds a bit over the top.

Yeah, well he's obsessed,
I'm telling you.

What about the other thing, though?

That he wants us to say that
liverpool is better than west ham?

No, no, that was just for Ash.

I don't even support west ham.

- They were relegated! - Oi, they
weren't relegated in that way.

So how many ways are there?

That's what a lot of people think,
you see, that west ham went down

because they weren't any good,
but that's not true.

No, no, we just went in the
championship for a rest, right?

To take a break before we launched
our next assault on the premiership.

- So should I say it or not?
- Well, Eddie is stubborn remember.

Just tell him that liverpool are
the greatest team on the planet.

Yes, he would
definitely go for that.

And when he's gone for
that and shaken hands,

- give him a message from Ash.
- Yeah? What's that?

That liverpool play like bunch
of girls and west ham

are the only proper
team in Europe.

That's not going to help.

It is true, honestly.

All right... Sean, it is
very kind of you to do this,

but let's move on.

Tomorrow, at nine,
Emma sets up the mark.

Ash, make sure
the bars are in place.

And remember, we need
to make sure this guy believes

that this is just a deal
that's gone wrong,

not that he's been conned.
Ok?

So Albert and I will work out
a way of blowing him out clean.

Meet you at my car.
I'll see you there.

You all right?

Well?

I assume it all checked out.

Good as gold.

So we have a deal?

When and where?

Under the motorway,
same as last time.

One hour.

- You'd better get on to your buyer.
- All right.

Shania!

Get Heinz on the phone. Now!

Heinz!
Happy days, we're on.

Barry will bring you to the meeting
point, stick behind us in my car.

I'll be there.
Bring your cheque book.

All right?

You ready? Oh, yeah.
Well, let's get on with it then.

Unless you want a 50-strong special ops
unit dropping in to spoil the party.

He's setting us up!

Whoa! Whoa! No!
No, they're with me!

No! It's all right!
It's all good!

It's good as gold. No, see,
they're with me.

That's my lad, Barry.

He's brought my buyer. See,
I'm the middle man, he's the buyer.

He pays me, I pay you,
that's how it works. Ok?

- What do you need?
- See the gold.

Er, we need to see the goods.

Sir?

You'll like this, Heinz.

I verified the gold.

See?
Everyone's happy!

It's all good.

It's just business, that's all.

Freeze! Yo, back up!
Tell him to back up!

It's ok! I'm going
to pay you now.

They're on to us!

You nearly got us bloody killed.

I hope our next delivery
is not quite so eventful.

Yeah, sorry about that, Heinz.
But all's well and all that, yeah?

Chin up!

Auf wiedersehen!

Right. Get back to the office,
see how them ads are doing.

Can't I come back with you?

No you can't, I've got things to do.
Look, there's a bus stop over there.

Sorry, sir. Closed.

What do you mean it's closed?
It's one o'clock!

I've got a bankers' draft to cash.

- The bank ceased trading at
11.30 this morning, sir. - What!?

I'm not sure of the details,
sir, but the bank's assets

have been seized and
all trading suspended.

But... but... I've got a...

I've got a bankers draft!

Here! Look!
It's a bank draft!

See! They have to pay it!

Like I said, I'm sorry, sir, but
all trading has been suspended.

- Bankers draft or direct transfers.
- Agreed.

Looks like you've found
your uk supplier.

Good. This friend of mine got
two tickets for the archery,

he was hacked off - he didn't
know they did archery there.

He said it would've
been all right, though.

Excuse me for just a moment.

Sure.
Sorry.

You talked the talk,
it's time to walk the walk.

There's three mill's worth here,
are you in or are you out?

Ok, we have a deal.

I'll take them all.

Good call.
Be in touch.

I can do the paperwork,
but can you handle it?

You've talked the talk,
it's time to walk the walk.

There's three mill's worth
here, are you in or out?

Ok, we have a deal.

- I'll take them all.
- Good call.

Be in touch.

As brilliant as ever you were.

Thank you, Paul.

Shania!

Get Heinz on the phone. Now!

Mm-hmm.

'Heinz! Happy days!

'We're on!'

I'll be there.

It's all good.
See? Everyone's happy!

I'd better get this
melted back down.

Ah, but... not this one.

You, eh...
You sure that's the right one?

Thank you.

For you guys, any time.

I knew you were good
but getting the army onside?

How did that work?

Can I ask why you're selling?

There's an army base
half a mile away,

they're meant to do their
manoeuvres in the next field.

But they keep getting lost
and ending up on my farm.

Every Tuesday and Saturday at noon.
Just like clockwork.

Trade secret.

We could tell you
but we'd have to kill you.

Fair enough.

We had to change the seal
but it's all there.

- It's done. - All right?
- Let's get rid of Heinz's phone.

Hi.
This is for you.

Hello?

Your cheque's no good!
You nicked my gold!

Who is that?

It's Norman.

'Cock-a-doodle-doo.'

'hello?'

'hello?'

'hello!'

'hello?!'

so Eddie's all sorted?

Like it never happened.

So what, you apologised, bigged up
liverpool and he swallowed it?

Yeah.

He didn't mention my name?

Let's just say it's forgotten.

Just like that?

I had to use charm, talk him round.
But yeah, he's sweet.

So we can go back in?

- Whenever we like.
- Well done, Sean.

- Absolutely.
- Thank you.

So what did you
say to him exactly?

Well...

- It was Ash.
- Knew it!

So where is he then?

Come on, you know him.
He's a proud man.

I want an apology.
And he wants to apologise.

He just can't bring himself
to do it face-to-face.

So he gave me this.

'A message from Ash.

'I'm sorry for defacing
the photograph

'of the greatest footballer
who ever lived. Ian rush.'

guys, what a lot of people think
west ham went down cos

they weren't any good
but that's not true.

No, no. We just went into the
championship for a rest, right,

to take a break before we launched
our next assault on the premiership.

So should I say it or not?

Tell him liverpool
are the best team on the planet.

He would definitely go for that.

When he's gone for that and you've
shaken hands, give him a message.

Yeah?
What's that?

Liverpool play like a bunch
of girls and west ham

are the only proper team in Europe.

'Liverpool are the only
proper team in Europe.'

'Let's be honest. West ham went down
because they weren't good enough.

'Liverpool are the best team
on the planet.

'West ham play like a load of girls

'and liverpool are the only
proper team in Europe.'

so we're good?

Come here.

I pretty much told him
exactly what you told me to.

I mean, I might not have got it
word for word, but you know.

But you gave him the gist?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That is a very happy lady.

So what did you tell her?

I told her I was an ombudsman
and she'd just been awarded damages.

A very sweet thing for you to do.

Well, thank you all for your help.
Any time.

And the good news is,
we can go back to Eddie's.

Oh?
Yeah, Sean did the business.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Guys! Good to see you, come on in.

So we're ok? Eh?

All forgotten,
not another word.

Bottle of bubbly on ice,
waiting for you. On the house.

Thank you, Eddie!

Cheers, Eddie.
It's ok.

Oh.

All right, ed?

You're a top man, Ash,
you know that?

It's not easy
admitting you're wrong.

No, no, it can't have been.

- Takes a big man to step up
to the plate. - Yes, it does.

Any chance of you letting go now?

Sorry.

Look, I know
you don't like any fuss

but I just want you to know, that...

I respect you...As a man.

And I respect you too, ed.

As a man.

I know you do. I know you do.

So that's it then, yeah, water under
the bridge, not another word? Right.

Right.

Right, shall we open the bottle, or?

Yes, yes.

Ok, now.

This...ls to a golden future.

Bet you never thought
you'd see me again.

Back off, corporal.

No, we didn't.

Only when you were taking me
into the barn, I heard you talking.

Eddie's isn't the only bar
in London.

Maybe we should just find
somewhere else.

No, no,
we'll find a way to sort it.

It was a bit of a long shot, but...

Tell you the truth, I thought
you'd be long gone by now.

The thing is...

..That half a million quid broke me
and someone's got to pay.

So...What do you have in mind?

Relax.

Look, I haven't got any beef
with you guys.

Sorry?

Ok, you got my money, but that was
business. I understand that.

I got the gold,
I gave it to Heinz, I took a hit.

You kept to your end of the bargain,
I've got no complaints about that.

But that kraut cheated me!

He took my gold and he gave me a
dodgy cheque, now I can't find him.

His office number's unavailable

and some nutcase
has nicked his mobile.

50 grand.

Now, I know you lot
were black ops in the army,

so I thought who better
to help me out.

Black ops?

It's ok.
I know you can't talk about it.

But I know how it works.

I know what you do.

What's that, then?

You get dropped behind enemy lines
to take people out.

Well, that's what I want you to do
to the German.

I want you to track him down for me.

His name is Heinz Zimmerman.

I want you to find him,

and I want you to...
Take care of him for me.

"Take care of him?"
You know what I mean.

Oh, yeah. Take care of him.

There's 50 grand there,
there'll be the same again

when you bring him to me.

Or show me a photo...
Of his cold, dead body.

Do we have a deal?

Let me get this straight.

If we find this Heinz Zimmerman,
take care of him,

and show you a photo of that,
you'll give us another 50 thousand?

That's right.

Then you've got a deal.

You know where to find me.

Did that just happen?

Yes, it did. I thought we were
in trouble for a minute.

Not to worry, I'm on it.

Wait a minute.

Ugh, did you have to put ketchup
on this shirt?

With five grand, you can buy a new
shirt. You have to look the part.

Or dead to be precise.

Ok, now, that. No.
Hold that, hold that.

That's fantastic.

I really missed you lot, you know.

Yeah, well, we missed you too, ed.

Did you?
Yeah. Just don't hug me again.

Here's to west ham.

Oh, cheers.

Hang on a minute, you're supposed
to say, "here's to liverpool."

What for?

Well, that's not very nice, is it?

What's the point in apologising
if you behave like that?

But Sean apologised, I didn't.

Yes, you did.
No, I didn't do anything.

What about the cd?

What cd?

'Message from Ash.

'I'm sorry for defacing
the photograph

'of the greatest footballer
who ever lived. Ian rush.'

Ash...

This...

This can be easily explained.

How about two dead bodies
for the price of one.

Only one of 'em will be real...

..Cos I'm going to kill you.

Ash. Sean, just run.

Don't just stand there! Help me!

Ash, don't make me do something
I'm going to regret!

Argh!

That's pretty tight.
That's pretty tight! Ash!